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698 Public Reviews Given
972 Total Reviews Given
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Firm yet fair.
I'm good at...
Poetry and short stories.
Favorite Genres
Historical fiction and fantasy. I also love any type of poetry, especially form poetry.
Least Favorite Genres
Sci-fi.
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Short story, poetry, chapter.
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Interactive.
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Interactive.
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review of Wood Nymph  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi 💙 Carly !

I chose this poem purely from the title, because the description only said "Day 8" etc. but the title looked promising *BigSmile* Here are my thoughts.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

This is a brief glimpse into the life of a wood nymph.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is third person, and the tone is soft. The diction is great.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There is a slight rhyming scheme, with the rhyming couplet of "day/play", and "night/light". There was consonance with "night to", "Casting spells across", and "first light". There was alliteration with "fades at first".

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Leaves, wood nymph, day, night, stars, spells, and light. So much rich imagery for such a short poem, wonderful!

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

Enjambment was employed to break the lines, but the thoughts were separated in such a way that it was a smooth read nonetheless. There was some repetition of "wood nymph" and "night", but it was necessary to get the point across. The meter was a little inconsistent in both stanzas. In the first stanza, the first line has three iambs, where the next line has only two, and the third and fourth line have three iambs thereafter. In the second stanza, the first and second lines have three iambs, whereas the third and fourth lines have four iambs.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I'd look at the meter again and make it all uniform. Also, the first couplet of "leaves/sleeps" has assonance, but is not a true rhyme, so if you want every couplet to rhyme, that one and the "stars/glides" would need to be revisited as well.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"Casting spells across the night
Laughter fades at first light"

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I greatly enjoy poetry about nature, fantasy, and especially the two combined. This one also told a story, which is not always easy to do in poetic form. The imagery was fabulous, painting a vivid picture for me to see of this cute wood nymph going about her evening (not day!) dancing and casting spells. How fun. This was a great piece, keep up the good work!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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102
102
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Seffi !

I found your story on The Review Request Page and it looked interesting so I thought I'd give it a review. Here are my thoughts.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

The narrator Toby, and his mother and father.

Plot:

Toby is on the couch and he's hearing explosions coming from outside the house.

Setting:

In Toby's house.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is first person, and the exposition is a little heavy. The diction is very good.

*Thought*Dialogue:

There was very little dialogue, so I couldn't really judge from that.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning was interesting and hooked me in, but the ending left me a little confused.

Errors:

Trying to show me it would all be ok. --> Trying to show me it would all be okay.

creek of my parent's bed --> creek of my parents' bed

"Up you come Toby" she said, "Bonfire... --> "Up you come, Toby," she said. "Bonfire...

Suggestions:

I was a bit confused, because at the end of the story it seems like Toby is a little boy since he climbs up into his parents' bed, yet during the narration he speaks like a well-educated man, so maybe he's telling the story years later, but that needs to be apparent. Also, the "Bonfire night" bit also threw me off as well since I had no idea what that meant, and perhaps those weren't actual explosions? So it seemed to be a bit too cryptic.

Summary:

This is a promising story with many well-written passages and good descriptions, yet it was a tad confusing for me as its meaning was lost on me, so I'd take another look at it but still keeping within the word limit.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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103
103
Review of NOSTALOGIA  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi morning pearl+ !

I found your poem on The Review Request Page so I thought I'd check it out. Here are my thoughts.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

Memories linger and the past is ever present.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is one of remembrance. The diction is standard.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was rhyming with the first two lines, "past/lasts". There was alliteration with "smell so sweet". There was consonance with "school days, teachers".

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Books, yellow pages, teachers, friends, homework, sky and star. All nice, varied imagery.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks occasionally use enjambment. The meter was good, and "past" was repeated a couple times, but it had a positive effect.

*Right*ERRORS:

i touch those --> I touch those
Past oh dear past --> Past, oh dear past
school days ,teachers --> school days, teachers

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

The line "past oh past! oh past!" sounds very awkward as it's repetitive and the meter sounds awkward as well. I'd remove the last "oh past" and place an additional adjective after the "oh" to make a line similar to "Past oh dear past" but not to repeat the word "dear". I wouldn't use all caps for the very last line "MEMORIES NEVER DIE", it seems like the speaker of the poem is shouting at the reader. There also doesn't seem to be one fixed rhyming scheme so I'd take another look at that. And fix the errors above.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"memories never stop
calling me back"

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a beautifully nostalgic piece of times gone by and what once was, and is no more, but the memories remain and always will. What a wonderful notion. Nice job.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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104
104
Review of The Chosen One  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi 💙 Carly ,

This caught my eye when I was looking at your port so I thought I'd review it too. Here are my thoughts.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

The narrator, Regina, the narrator's mother, father, and grandmother.

Plot:

The narrator was sent to Regina, an evil witch, as a sacrifice of sorts, but everything doesn't go as planned when she gets there.

Setting:

In the graveyard.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is first person, and the tone is somber. The exposition is well placed and the diction was good.

*Thought*Dialogue:

There was very little dialogue until the very end of the story, but the dialogue it had was good.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning immediately roped me in with the stillness in the air and the shiver rippling. Then the story took off from there. The ending wrapped up the story nicely, was very finalizing.

Suggestions:

I would add some more dialogue between the narrator and Regina. I'd also like to know the narrator's name. Also, there seemed to be some missing backstory/exposition regarding how/why the narrator came to be in the graveyard offered up to Regina as a sacrifice from her family. That's the most important part.

Summary:

I absolutely love stories about witches, so I greatly enjoyed reading this one. I was delighted to read how the narrator turned the tables on Regina and discovered a new power within herself! That was fantastic. She saved the day and saved herself all at the same time, so bravo, very well done on this one. *BigSmile*

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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105
105
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi 💙 Carly ,

I happened upon your portfolio and this piece interested me, so here are my thoughts.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

This is a poem of love and heartbreak, and all of the emotions between the two.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is second person, and the tone is harsh. The diction was quite good.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was consonance with "elusive and vague" and "lonely". There was loose alliteration with "one you would", and a more precise alliteration with "dulled down".

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

A person, heart, walls, a sparkle and a hole.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks employed enjambment much throughout the poem, and it made for an awkward read only in some instances when the lines were too incomplete. There was no set meter. There was much repetition of the word "You" and many of those passages could've been rephrased.

*Right*ERRORS:

Moving passed that person --> Moving past that person
Within your self-imposed exile. --> Within your self-imposed exile?

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I would've liked to see a little more imagery since it was a longer piece. Work on the line breaks and the "You" usage.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"Your life freezes up
Then shatters
Leaving pieces scattered all over."

and

"Bring you back from the brink
Of the living dead."

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a stunning poem riddled with strong emotion of loss and betrayal, and a love that once was, but all that is left is bitter regret and anger at what the other has done. The sentiments were well portrayed. Well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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106
106
Review of Hello, Butterfly!  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi Riss Ryker !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and it looked interesting so I had to check it out.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

A butterfly, when newly born, is a wondrous creature.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is second person, and the tone is one of adoration. The diction is great.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was alliteration with "dipped in dreams", "Floating freely" and "flowers lift their faces".

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Butterfly, womb, rainbow, wings, silk, window, flowers, faces, gold, trees, garden and wall. Wow!

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks were smooth, and the meter was unconventional but worked. There was a lot of repetition of "Hello butterfly!"

*Right*ERRORS:

stained glass window --> stained-glass window
a butterflies kiss --> a butterfly's kiss

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I wouldn't repeat "Hello butterfly!" that often, because it became trite after the second time, and lost its appealing effect. Fix the errors above. The last stanza should not be that long, so I believe "See all of the flowers" could start its own stanza. Also, the ellipsis ".." needs to have an extra period to make "..."

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"Emerging from your sheltered womb, a rainbow dipped in dreams,"

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a lovely portrayal of a butterfly's transformation from being in the cocoon to emerging into a full-blown butterfly. The visuals were fantastic, and the language was great. I love poems that tell stories, and this story was told very well. I enjoyed this read. Nice work. Keep writing like this.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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107
107
Review of Never Forget  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi RedWritingHood !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

This poem is written from the point of view of a young person who was too young to remember 9/11, but it still affected by it all the same.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is one of remembrance and melancholy. The diction is standard.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There is a rhyming pattern of ABCB, etc. There was consonance with "remember the tears", "mother's face", "seemingly normal", and more.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Tears, face, stangers, heads, people and country.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks were clean using punctuation. The meter was a little inconsistent at times. "I don't remember it" repeated often.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I'd suggest reading this piece aloud to find where the meter was off. Possibly find a different way to phrase "I don't remember it" the last time so that it doesn't become trite and lose its effect. Don't capitalize every line unless it's a new sentence. I'd lose the *Heart* and I wouldn't capitalize NEVER FORGET, as shouting something like that just doesn't sit well sometimes in poems, especially when the rest of the content was of a soft nature. I think finishing it off quieter and lower-cased would be even stronger.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"When those people, strangers,
Hung their heads in mourning."

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I appreciated the story told here, that the narrator still experienced the events of that day even though it wasn't firsthand or it didn't happen at the time. The experience comes through the mother's crying, and vague flashes of strangers gathered to mourn the loss of lives. The visuals created here were great, and I sensed the emotion coming through the words of this piece. Well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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108
108
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Whitemorn !

I found your poem on The Review Request Page and it looked interesting so I had to take a look.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

A feral cat who once distrusted humans warms up to the person whose house she comes to lives at.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is loving. The diction is great.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

The rhyming scheme is AABB. There was consonance with "nestled low", "lived for a spell", "sweet place", and more. There was alliteration in "for the food" and "house is a home".

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

House, glen, cat, kittens, wood, mittens, land, hand, treat, chicken livers and meat.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks were definitely clean with punctuation used to make the flow go smooth. The meter was near perfect, though the first and second lines in the third stanza were too short. There was a little repetition of some words but it had a good effect on the poem.

*Right*ERRORS:

There needs to be a period after "scrounging".

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I'd fix the meter in those two lines.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"But Grey wouldn't come up unless I were lounging,
she'd timidly creep for the food she was scrounging"

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This is a heartwarming tale of a feral cat turned domestic cat who learned to entrust her own life as well as the life of her kittens to her owner. It's not an easy feat to turn a feral cat domestic, but with patience, food and love the task was accomplished. I loved the rhyming in it, it didn't sound forced but flowed naturally. Each word was chosen wisely and well placed, and I just love poems that tell stories. This was very well written. Nice job!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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109
109
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Quill*A review from "The Historical League" *Quill*


Hi Prosperous Snow celebrating !

I found your poem by doing a "History" genre search and it looked interesting so I thought I'd take a look.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

There were beautiful and delicate words used to describe such a graphic and tragic day.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice was first person, and the tone is soft. The diction is quite excellent.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was a quick rhyme in the beginning with "rose/chose". I found alliteration in "twin towers" and "sacred by their sacrifice".

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Rose, towers, wounded, homes, dust, bloom, token, ground, responders and family.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The lines used enjambment coupled with punctuation so good job on that. There was no set metrical structure but it was still a smooth reading.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I might not rhyme the first couplet of "rose/chose" because then I was expecting the entire poem to rhyme, and it didn't.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"as a token of your gratitude
upon the ground made sacred
by their sacrifice."

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I'm impressed at the use of soft and lovely diction here to portray the events of that day. It was anything but soft and lovely, but your choice of words brought a different feel to it, and the introduction of the rose was great. Wonderful work, I enjoyed reading this. Keep it up.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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110
110
Review of The First King  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Quill*A review from "The Historical League" *Quill*


Hi RB3 !

I found your chapter by doing a "History" genre search and I didn't know what it was about but the title seemed interesting so I had to take a look. Here are my thoughts.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

Samuel, Eli, Hannah, and Eli's sons.

Plot:

Hannah is barren, so she prays to YHWH for a child. After a strange encounter with a high priest Eli in the Temple, she is given a prophecy that she'll have a son. She indeed does, names him Samuel, and since she had already promised him to the Temple, delivers him to the Temple to Eli to learn to become holy man as well. Near the end, Samuel receives a disturbing message directly from YHWH Himself that chills Eli since it concerns his wayward sons.

Setting:

In the Temple, mostly.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is first person, although we don't know who the narrator is just yet. The tone is subtle. The exposition was moderate, well placed. The diction was very good. Narration was average but at times needed some work as it sounded too much like a conversation between two people and not like the narration of a novel, which I think needs to happen here.

*Thought*Dialogue:

There was a little bit of dialogue, and it was good.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning started off slowly. It had too much exposition and not enough action. The ending seemed too finalizing and not a real cliffhanger, so that the story could very well end there and we wouldn't need to keep reading.

Suggestions:

I would've liked to see the beginning start off a little quicker with some action, perhaps for instance with Hannah setting off for the Temple to go pray, and then explain why after that, because her going to pray will spark our interest immediately. Then the ending would need a cliffhanger to make us want to continue into chapter 2.

Summary:

This was a most intriguing tale of a boy and his mother, and how he came to be. I love the fact that it's from the Books of Samuel in the Hebrew Bible, and your accounting of the story was accurate, but you made it interesting to read, and in fact, I couldn't stop reading. *Laugh* So bravo, nice job!

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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111
111
Review of Apple on Eden  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi S.A. Merk !

I found your story on The Review Request Page and it looked interesting so I thought I'd take a look.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

Adam, Lucy, and the three salesmen.

Plot:

Lucy boards the train that Adam is on (as well as the three salesmen) and the salesmen start to give her a hard time, until Adam steps in to help her out.

Setting:

On the train/monorail.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is third person, and the tone is light. The diction is great, and the exposition was good. The metaphors were understood as the whole piece was allegorical as you mentioned in the item's description. The storytelling was done well.

*Thought*Dialogue:

The dialogue was believable.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning starred off just a bit slow for me, with more emphasis on exposition than action. The ending had an excellent twist.

Errors:

None found.

Suggestions:

I'd take a look at the beginning to see if you could swap out the exposition for some action and then mix in the exposition after that, not too much after, but just have the action in the very beginning to get the ball rolling and push us into the story immediately.

Summary:

I loved it. I loved the symbolism of the futuristic world, the people who eat food that has its origins in "replicated flora" but certain people try to buy "un-replicated flora" i.e. organic, I love it. Then the apple that is all-natural that Lucy had at the end was great. Like I said, nice twist. The symbolism of her killing the salesman with the apple is akin to Eve damning mankind in Eden with the apple from the tree, and therefore we all will die eventually since we've been damned because of Eve's actions in Eden, so I get the allegory in the story, very well done, bravo!!

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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112
112
Review of The Poet  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Brittany L. Engels !

I found your poem on The Review Request Page and it looked interesting so I had to take a look.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

This is an ode to poets. I love poems about writing poetry.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is third person, and the tone is passionate. The diction is remarkably good.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

The rhyming scheme is AABB, etc. There was alliteration with "human hearts", "burning bright" and "continuing the quest". There was consonance with "of love", "unremitting poet", "writing night" and "hearts express". There was assonance with "sorrow low".

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Hearts, darkness, poet, pen, day and night.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks were neat, using punctuation. The meter was spot on. There was some repetition but I liked it.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I have none, I liked it the way it is.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"Yet try again the poet will, to pen the trials of,"

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

What a magnificent homage to poets everywhere! The language was wonderfully old-fashioned, with the adjective-noun order reversed to noun-adjective, as in "sorrow low", and that made the whole piece sound very antiquated, refined like classical poetry so well done on that part. The structure was good, with the lines not too long and not too short. There was nothing awkward about it, or out of place. Everything was perfectly set where it should be and every word was well chosen, perfect diction. Bravo! Feel proud.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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113
113
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi taylor paape !

I found your poem on The Review Request Page and it looked interesting so I thought I'd take a look.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

The narrator wants to let go of the past but it's difficult because scars were created, and the narrator didn't know how to let go of the past and how to not let go of the demons of the past.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person and the tone is melancholic. The diction is good.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

The rhyming scheme is ABAB, etc. There was assonance with "by my," "Lead me" and "tried to hide".

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Scar, hand, sand, tomb and demons.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The lines employed enjambment at times to break them, and at other times they were full and complete thoughts, but they didn't use punctuation. The meter was very good. The second stanza repeated as the fourth stanza, and it had a chilling effect on the reading (in a positive way *Laugh*).

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I'd consider using punctuation here. I also wouldn't capitalize every line, just the first word in each new stanza would do. In the second line, I'd omit the "I" to read "But didn't get too far", that would read smoother.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"But I was never really taught
How to leave my pain behind"

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a deep poem with intense emotion and I felt it all throughout the reading. The structure was well-written and easy to read, and it was just cryptic enough that I had to think about it a minute, but I got it. I like cryptic poetry *Laugh* Bravo, feel proud.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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114
114
Review of Grey world  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi dreamy eyes !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

One is going to miss out on life if he doesn't take any chances.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is third person, and the tone is mysterious. The diction is great.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was alliteration with "who has" and "doesn't draw". There was assonance with "is his" and "wings to his dreams". I found consonance in "bliss of love".

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

World, wings and man.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

Enjambment was employed for the line breaks but punctuation connected each line with the next. There was no formal metrical structure, but the rhythm was fairly smooth. There was repetition of "you stop" and "is his world", but it had a nice effect.

*Right*ERRORS:

There's a space between "Dull is his world" and the comma after it.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

Lines that need periods at the end:
...bliss of love
...to his dreams
you stop thinking
you stop living

The pacing between the first four lines and the rest of the poem is very different, as it shifted very markedly. If the poem followed the rhythm of the first four lines, there might have been a set metrical form, but it didn't, and it read awkward.

Also, I wouldn't use three exclamation marks. I don't know if I would use one at all. It seems like it would have a stronger effect if it was calmer, subdued, quiet. Maybe use the ellipsis instead (...).

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"Dull is his world
who doesn't draw wings to his dreams"

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I found it interesting that you chose to state Black in the first statement, then Dull in the second, because to me those are two different things. Good points were made all throughout the poem with the main theme being all of those things are "a man we hardly know". How true. I sensed a sort of disdain on the narrator's part for the man and his apathy toward life. Nice work.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Lacey Truman !

I found this on the Noticing Newbies page and I had to take a look. Here are my thoughts.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

The narrator has been used.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is painful. The diction is quite good.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was consonance with "feel like a balloon", "person with a need","Left me deflated", and "walked away". There was an echo in "walked/talking".

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Balloon, body and moon.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks used enjambment, and there was no formal meter. If there was any repetition, I didn't notice.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I would only capitalize the "I" in "I feel", and the "A" in "A person", because all the rest flows naturally and runs together. There needs to be a period after "its body". "Left me deflated" needs a comma after it. Remove the comma after "voice".

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"And walked away,
Talking in a voice,
Higher than the moon."

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Fantastic. An amazing story told here, with magnificent similes and metaphors all throughout the piece placed so naturally that made the story come alive like it never could have otherwise. There was humor in here at the end, although the main theme was melancholy and heartbreak, but it was a nice twist. Bravo, very well done!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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Review of Side Trip  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi Elisa the Bunny Stik !

I found your story when I clicked on Random Review, so I thought I'd take a look at it. Here are my thoughts.

The narrator goes to Baltimore for a baseball game with her friends on a trip sponsored by the local hospital. I would've liked to know the name of the narrator, as I knew the names of all the friends and the friend's mom. The voice is first person, and the diction is good. There was no dialogue. Would it be possible to add some in there? The beginning started out a bit slow, with descriptive narration. The ending was satisfactory. I found no spelling/grammar errors. The pacing was a bit slow, but I thought it was a nice story and I enjoyed reading it. Good work.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi druid !

I'm here to read Part 2 *BigSmile*

*Woman**Man*Characters:

Ru.

Plot:

Ru goes to meet Myra at a hunting lodge for the first time ever.

Setting:

At the hunting lodge.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is first person, and the tone is calm yet suspenseful at the same time. The diction is good. The narration got a little too heavy with the description of the taking of the shower, but other than that it sounded good.

*Thought*Dialogue:

There was no dialogue.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning was a little slow, with descriptions of the hunting lodge decorating the start of this chapter. The ending was very well done, a true cliffhanger.

Errors:

under-estimated --> underestimated
it's deep softness --> its deep softness

Suggestions:

I'd remove the part where Ru is taking a shower, that can be skipped over. There needs to be some form of dialogue in there somewhere. Alter the beginning to replace the descriptive narration with action instead. Fix the errors above.

Summary:

This story is interesting. I can't wait to read what happens next. I enjoyed reading it, well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi druid !

This story looked interesting so I thought I'd take a look at it. Here are my thoughts.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

Ru and Myra.

Plot:

Ru and Myra only know each other from the internet, and in the first quarter of the story Myra breaks it off with Ru, but later she gets back in touch with Ru and they pick up where they left off.

Setting:

Ru's place.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice was first person and employed the second person "you" all throughout the chapter as well. The tone was suspenseful. The exposition was a little heavy at times but the suspense I felt while reading it made up for it as I wanted to keep reading. The simile "shaking like a leaf" was nice. The diction was great. Overall the narration was good.

*Thought*Dialogue:

The dialogue was fantastic.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning had a great hook, enticing me to read on and on and on! *BigSmile* The ending had a marvelous cliffhanger which made me want to read even more...

Errors:

There were many instances where commas or other punctuation was needed, too many to list, so comb over it and edit where needed.

Suggestions:

Just the proofreading.

Summary:

This was a great story that started out wonderfully with a nice intro, and kept delivering over and over. I felt Ru's emotion at Myra's rejection, and it was portrayed very well. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. Feel proud.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Teguettler !

This chapter looked interesting so I thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

The narrator (the lieutenant), Commander Livingstone, the soldiers and the villagers.

Plot:

The lieutenant's army has just won the battle against the villagers, not knowing that they were in fact villagers, and when he discovers that fact, he is horrified.

Setting:

In the village.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is third person, and the tone is suspenseful. The diction is great and the exposition is not too heavy, not too light. The narration was good overall.

*Thought*Dialogue:

The dialogue sounded just a little awkward.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning was a tiny bit confusing, but it cleared up in the second paragraph. The ending was a good cliffhanger which will leave me wanting to read more.

Errors:

There were some places that needed commas and other punctuation.

Suggestions:

I'd work on the dialogue. Comb over it for the punctuation. This chapter, however interesting, seemed a little flat, and it might be because it's a story we've heard before and there didn't seem to be anything too terribly different about it.

Summary:

This was an interesting story that starts with an army's butchering an entire village. I see a promising story here, and I enjoyed reading it.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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Review of The Book  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Dan Sturn !

This poem looked interesting so I thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is reflective. The diction is great.

SOUND PATTERNS:

The rhyming scheme is AABB. There is alliteration with "we watch", "why we" and "we're waiting".

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Bed, moon, book, pen, Muse, stars, eyes, journals, heart, light and tears.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks were clean, using punctuation to indicate the end of each line, occasionally using enjambment. The meter was spot on. There was a lot of repetition of "we write".

ERRORS:

None found.

SUGGESTIONS:

I would not repeat "we write" so often, as it became trite after so many times.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"we hope the book will dowse the light."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I love poems about writing poetry, they're the best! *BigSmile* This was well written, and I enjoyed reading it.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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Review of The Collapse (1)  
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi MrsDesjardins2012 !

This story looked interesting to me so I thought I'd take a look at it. Here are my thoughts.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

Katy, and Grief.

Plot:

Katy goes to have an ultrasound and gets some bad news.

Setting:

In her living room, and at the ultrasound appointment.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is third person, and the tone is calm, melancholic. The diction is good. The exposition is done well.

*Thought*Dialogue:

There was no dialogue.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning had be interested with the first lines of "He may not be compatible with life." The ending was a nice yet sad conclusion.

Errors:

tightly wound spools --> tightly-wound spools
love-seat --> love seat
Ultrasound Room --> ultrasound room

Suggestions:

I would've liked to see some dialogue between the ultrasound tech and Katy. Fix the errors above. This story also seemed just a tad bit too short, like it needs some more elements to make it more well rounded.

Summary:

There's nothing like capturing human emotion in the most difficult and trying times as these, and you've done well in doing just that. I like how you made grief into a character, into a person, to comfort Katy. I enjoyed reading this work. Well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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Review of Fashion Statement  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Hi T.Wrage !

I found your story on the Noticing Newbies page and it looked interesting so I thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

The young woman, whose name we don't know.

Plot:

The young woman is at home and wants to get out of bed to have coffee, she no longer eats breakfast-that is, if she eats at all, but she can't get out of bed because she's too weak, and she eventually dies in bed *Worry*

Setting:

In the young woman's home.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is third person, the tone is calm, and the diction is excellent.

*Thought*Dialogue:

There was no dialogue.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning was a little slow for me, but it picked up the pace after a bit. The ending was quite sad, and insensitive of that officer to make that comment, but it made for a good finish *BigSmile*

Errors:

Today though something was different she felt strange and --> Today, though, something was different; she felt strange and

noticed an odor it was --> noticed an odor; it was

Suggestions:

Ease back on the alliteration, such as "gleamed and glistened", "could come", "lush life", because it makes it sound like poetry instead of prose. Name the characters. Speed up the beginning with some action and then narration/exposition. I'd also like to see some dialogue, and you might have to add another character in the mix with the young woman for there to be dialogue between them.

Summary:

This is quite a tragic story that needs to be told in greater detail, so I think the piece would have to be a little longer, and with more elements to it than what was found here. It was a great start however, and I enjoyed reading it. Nice work.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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123
Review of Dream Lover  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi DepressedPoet !

I found your story on the Noticing Newbies page and it looked interesting so I thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

The young woman and the vampire, names unknown.

Plot:

The vampire comes to her room and they have a midnight encounter.

Setting:

Her room.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is third person, the tone is subdued, and the diction is standard.

*Thought*Dialogue:

There was no dialogue.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning was interesting, hooking me in with the line "she wonders if he will come." With those words, I immediately want to know who "he" is and why she wants him to come. The ending seemed to end right in the middle of action, so it seemed incomplete.

Errors:

tender yielding caresses. --> tender, yielding caresses.
She can not fight --> She cannot fight

Suggestions:

I'd refrain from beginning too many sentences with pronouns such as "She" or "He". Fix the errors above. This plot seemed to be lacking somehow, because it seemed just a bit too simple, and something that's been done already, so I suppose I'm suggesting to add something new to this classic vampire story.

Summary:

Although there is some work that needs to be done, there is a promising story here, and I did enjoy this read. Good job.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hi tvaughn !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is matter-of-fact. The diction is standard.

SOUND PATTERNS:

There was assonance with "They say", "are all", "to do", and more. Some ending words for certain lines rhymed, like before/anymore, and sync/think.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Doors.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks used enjambment with no punctuation. The meter was a bit rocky.

ERRORS:

None found.

SUGGESTIONS:

I'd add some more imagery to this piece, since there was only the image of the doors in here. Add a little bit of punctuation and smooth out the meter.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"another one of those places
where you never have to think"

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was an interesting poem, very cryptic in nature but I think I was able to make out its message from the first line and the title. It was a good read, well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hi D.W !

I found your story on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

A girl or woman, who is unnamed.

Plot:

There is no clearly defined plot.

Setting:

I believe it's in the forest or in the woods.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is third person, and the tone is mysterious. The exposition is good, and the diction is great.

*Thought*Dialogue:

There was no dialogue.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning sentence started off the story a bit slow, as it didn't move into action until the last sentence in the story. The ending was interesting.

Errors:

No spelling/grammar errors found.

Suggestions:

I'd name the character, put another character in there with her so that there can be some dialogue between them, and define exactly where this forest is (country/state?). Spice up the beginning with action, and improve upon the plot line by making this story a little longer since it was rather short.

Summary:

This needs some work, but I can see a promising story here behind what needs the work.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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