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698 Public Reviews Given
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Poetry and short stories.
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Historical fiction and fantasy. I also love any type of poetry, especially form poetry.
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Sci-fi.
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Short story, poetry, chapter.
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151
151
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Hi ClassicHero !

I found your portfolio on the Account Birthdays page and this story sounded interesting, so here are my thoughts.

Plot:

The plot wasn't too clear, except for the young vampire being in the middle of the forest not knowing why he's there.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

The young vampire.

Setting:

In the forest.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is first person, and the tone is somber. The exposition is sparse. The diction was good.

*Thought*Dialogue:

There was only one line of dialogue, when the narrator spoke aloud to himself, but it was fitting to the story.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning was interesting and held my attention. The ending was also interesting but I'm not sure if it was a strong enough cliffhanger. It didn't really allude to anything that was going to happen next, to keep us reading.

Errors:

gripping onto the my temples. --> gripping my temples.
trying to be try of the agony that had my trapped --> trying to be free of the agony that had me trapped
a unfamiliar voice --> an unfamiliar voice

Suggestions:

I'd work on the plot a little bit, the ending, and possibly add another character so that there can be more dialogue. Fix the errors above.

Summary:

This was a promising start to a story, but I have no idea in which direction it's headed. I didn't see any foreshadowing for what's to come in this passage, and from the looks of the last sentence, this isn't quite the end of the story. Keep at it.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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152
152
Review of Along Came You  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Isabella Morgan !

I did a search for account birthdays and found your portfolio, and this poem sounded interesting. Here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is hard to place. The diction is superb.

SOUND PATTERNS:

I found some consonance with "Tempt me not," "dragon's wings," "tarnished blade" and more. The end rhyming scheme of ABCB was well done.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Dragon's wings, a tarnished blade, a heart, and arms.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks were clean as punctuation was used very well all throughout. The meter was excellent.

ERRORS:

"Tis --> 'Tis

SUGGESTIONS:

I'd add "up" in the line "Salvation sent from above" to read "sent from up above" so that the meter follows that of the rest of the lines better. I would've also liked to see a little more imagery here since you teased us with the dragon's wings and the blade *BigSmile*

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"Tempt me not, O’ wicked doubt!
On dragon’s wings I soar.
Tarnished blade, be thou released.
My heart can bear no more."

Although I liked every stanza, they were all splendid.

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I absolutely adored the language employed in this piece. It made the read a bit cryptic, but I like cryptic poems because they force me to interpret them in my own way. It was beautifully written, well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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153
153
Review of Hidden truth  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Set the Owl Free !

I found your piece on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

These seem to be the thoughts of someone to this thirteen-year-old girl. She's being abused, but the narrator doesn't know by whom. I think that the narrator is a teacher or a coach, something like that who would have direct involvement with children on a daily basis to observe the physical results of said abuse on the girl's body, manifesting itself in bruises or cuts, etc. What an awful position to be in for the narrator as well as for the girl. The emotion was embodied very well in this piece, and I truly believed that the narrator cared about the girl. I would only make "Everyday" two words as far as grammar goes. Other than that, well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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154
154
Review of Summer Daze  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi Andromeda !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is subdued. The diction is great.

SOUND PATTERNS:

There was not a solid set rhyming pattern for the end rhymes but there were some end rhymes here and there. I found some assonance with "Rundown houses," "quiet child," and more. There was some alliteration with "daydream," "finds a friend," "to turn," "green grass," and more.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

A street corner, sneakers, feet, rundown houses, empty parks, and much much more. Wonderfully vivid images.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks were a bit awkward as each line was capitalized and there was no punctuation, and enjambment was employed to break the lines up. I found no traditional meter pattern, but there are chunks where it flows consistently and then it'll shift gears and move to longer lines with more metrical feet, but it did that pretty consistently.

ERRORS:

More real then --> More real than
When every days a lesson --> When every day's a lesson
I wish i --> I wish I
Ill sit in the --> I'll sit in the
pictures in there frames --> their frames
Still i cant --> Still I can't
I learnt today --> I learned today

SUGGESTIONS:

I would not capitalize the first letter in each line since there is no punctuation there to support capitalization. Work on the spelling and grammar.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"When every days a lesson
I wish i hadn't learnt
Ill sit in the green grass
And watch time pass
Snapping twigs between my fingers"

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a stunning glimpse inside one person's mind. It was so colorful, so full of action and movement and life. The emotions were pretty intense. Great job.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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155
155
Review of Dead Soldiers  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi chuck !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is third person, and the tone sounds like it's one of disappointment. The diction was excellent.

SOUND PATTERNS:

I found assonance with "They lay". There was some alliteration with "Leaderless," "comrades crouch," "turn at the trench," and more.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Ashtray, brown pants, white shirts, smoke, a trench, lungs, throat and fields. All strong images.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

Enjambment broke up the lines, but they were also separated with an extra line space so it was easier on the eyes than it would've been if it were single-spaced. The meter followed no specific pattern, but the whole poem did flow well.

ERRORS:

None found.

SUGGESTIONS:

I have none, I loved it the way it is!

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"will draw forth their
angry smoke, that weapon of mass destruction"

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This is such a relevant topic for me because I quit smoking cigarettes 83 days ago, and counting! *BigSmile* The way you used the soldiers as a metaphor was brilliant. The language was superb and it was just an outstanding piece, an original idea. Very well done!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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156
156
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Hi DreamsInTheSky !

I found your chapter on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look. Here are my notes.

Plot:

I didn't find a real solid plot here. The boy wakes up, has breakfast, and goes to school, but decides to ditch school at the last minute.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

The narrator (what was his name?) and Mary.

Setting:

The narrator's house, and then on the way to school.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice was first person, and the tone was eerily calm. I had a feeling like something was about to happen. The diction was average.

*Thought*Dialogue:

N/A.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning was rather slow with the description of the old mattress and the window and the raindrops and the sky. The ending leaves us on a cliffhanger, and I wanted to know what exactly he was going to regret about that choice.

Errors:

None found.

Suggestions:

I'd add some dialogue at least between the narrator and Mary to hear the narrator speak outside of his own thoughts. The beginning did drag down the story so I'd spice it up with some action instead. It also seemed like not much really happened in this chapter until the narrator decided to skip school and veer off to the right.

*Heart*Favorite Lines:

"The sin, the sin of the boy who takes the good fruit from the needy when he does not need"

Summary:

This was a promising chapter that still needs some work, but I can tell that the story is going to take off right after this.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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157
157
Review of Sans Title  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Paige Isaac Summers !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look.

The nouns used in the first stanza are all startling when one says that one lives and rests among them and finds comfort in them: chaos, dismay, white noise, pain, danger, etc. Then we see a shift in perspective in the narrator in the second stanza when the poem moves on to quiet, solitude, peace and change. I'd suggest replacing "But Fear" with "Since Fear" as that sentence is explaining the previous one. Also, the lines that begin after a line that ends with a comma do not need to be capitalized; so "And Solitude" should read "and Solitude" etc.

Since it's mentioned in the description that this is a poem, I'd change the categorization of this item to "Poetry" instead of "Prose".

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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158
158
Review of INEXCUSABLE  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi Saalik Siddikki !

I found your short story on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

Plot:

A man (or a boy?) gets hit by a car when the traffic lights weren't working one day.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

The man and the woman in her car.

Setting:

In the street.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

This was a very brief shot of flash fiction so there is very little narration, but the little there is I found to be good. The voice is third person and the diction was average.

*Thought*Dialogue:

N/A.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning was interesting, starting with the traffic signals being "off." Did you mean they weren't working? The end had a nice twist to it.

Errors:

None found.

Suggestions:

I would've liked to know the characters' names, and seen some dialogue between them. I also would've liked to know why the traffic lights weren't working.

Summary:

This was a nice very short flash fiction story. I would fine-tune it from the suggestions above, while keeping it short if there was a word limit. Nice job overall.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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159
159
Review of Devour My Dreams  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Kryss ,

I liked your other piece so I thought I'd review this one too. Here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is second person and then first person. The tone is eerie, scary. The diction is great.

SOUND PATTERNS:

They rhyming scheme follows a pattern, but is not completely uniform; it goes ABCB, then DDEE etc.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Chains, red walls, porcelain dolls, and someone's reflection. All very vivid images, and different from each other.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks were good, and the meter was smooth, except for the first four lines which had too few metrical feet compared with the rest of the lines of the poem.

ERRORS:

red washed walls.. --> red-washed walls.

SUGGESTIONS:

I'd suggest using a more consistent rhyming scheme, such as AABBCC etc. Also tighten up the meter.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"A place saved for the sin of an angel.
Yesterday died and lays in a tangle."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a truly frightful poem, as the language employed showed the strong emotion behind the lines. I liked the concept of "I close my eyes and sign this deal," and then later, "You walk away and take my soul," yikes! Great writing.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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160
160
Review of The Reaper's Dare  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Hi Kryss !

I found this poem on the Noticing Newbies page and it sounded interesting, so here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is second person in the beginning and then switches to first person at the end, and the tone is somber. The diction is great.

SOUND PATTERNS:

There was some alliteration with "When your walked," "Fighting for" and "can't kill." The ending rhyming pattern went AABB etc.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

The Reaper, a head, the Devil and his spine.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The lines were broken up by enjambment, and the meter flowed well.

ERRORS:

When your walked --> When you're walked

SUGGESTIONS:

I would've liked to see more imagery here than what was present. Since enjambment broke up the lines, I'd suggest using punctuation at the end of the lines to tighten up the reading.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"No longer inside my head
Even you can't kill the dead"

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was an interesting piece, very cryptic. I have to admit that the meaning of the line "When the threat becomes tame" is lost on me. I didn't quite grasp anything thereafter either. I did like the word choice though, and I hope to see more from you! *BigSmile*

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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161
161
Review of I've been there.  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Blank paper !

I found this piece on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look. I'm not exactly sure if it's a poem or not, as it's classified as "Other," so I won't treat it as such. I really liked the questions asked of the reader, as they were pretty profound and call for reflection on our part. The repetition of "I've been there" did become a bit trite after a while, so I'm wondering if you could find a substitute for that phrase to use from time to time to mix it up. The line "Ever stopped to think what the world would be like without you then realized it would just keep on going?" was pretty intense, and was one of my favorites. I liked how the "I've been there" did change into "Well I'm still there..." in the last line, that was a nice twist. I'd just add a comma after the "Well". This was great writing.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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162
162
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Lyrikos ,

I liked your other poem so I thought I'd look at this one too. Here's what I thought.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first and second person, appropriate as the narrator is speaking to the Goddess, and the tone is one of humility and appreciation. The diction is excellent.

SOUND PATTERNS:

There was an interesting rhyming scheme. It started out with ABCB, then went to DEFG instead of DEFE. Then it finished off with HGGICI. Fascinating!

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

An altar, paths and a Goddess. Very nice.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

Punctuation complemented the enjambment, a wise choice. The meter flowed very smoothly.

ERRORS:

None found.

SUGGESTIONS:

I have none; I love it the way it is!

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"The paths are many,
The choices seem few.
There are consequences,
For each thing I may do."

So true.

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I love how the first four lines looped around to the end to be the last four lines as well. There was some wisdom woven into this piece hidden between the lines. It was beautifully written for such a short poem. I love how the narrator speaks to the Goddess in this one-sided dialogue, trying to figure out the answer with the Goddess' help. Very well done!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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163
163
Review of Riven  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Hi Lyrikos !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is sorrowful, and then angry. The diction is great.

SOUND PATTERNS:

There was loose assonance with "Rain to wash away," then "cover up the," "like the life," and more. There was no clear ending rhyming scheme, although there were some rhyming couplets.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Rain, tears, dark sky, lightning, a mother and a father.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

There was good punctuation to break up the lines that used enjambment. The meter was okay, as some lines had too many metrical feet compared to shorter lines.

ERRORS:

Now its gone --> Now it's gone

SUGGESTIONS:

I'd suggest you polish up the meter, and fix the one error above.

*Heart*IMPACTFUL LINES:

"Rain to wash away the tears,
Thunder to cover up the pain.
Dark sky above reflects the sorrow within,
Lightning flashes like the life unmade."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a most tragic poem about a life lost before it even came to be yet. The pain felt by the parents was evident and felt through the lines of the piece, so good job with that. I appreciated the symbolism employed in the first four lines of the poem. My heart goes out to the narrator, having to go through this awful chapter in life. No one should have to go through that. However sad, it was beautifully written.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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164
164
Review of The Masquerade  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
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Hi Kamie !

I did a search for account birthdays and found your portfolio and this poem really interested me, so here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, but speaks directly to the other person in the poem "You" and the diction is great.

SOUND PATTERNS:

There was consonance with "seem to loom," "gentil smile," "rile still in denial," and more. The end rhyming scheme of AABB sounded authentic.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

There was a lot of good imagery, with faced, a crowded room, a smile, legs, a child, the night, a clock and a kiss.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks were clean with each line seeming to be a complete thought. The meter flowed relatively smoothly, and I didn't find much repetition of any certain words, unless my eyes deceive me *BigSmile*

ERRORS:

None found.

SUGGESTIONS:

None, I liked it the way it is!

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"You silence my lament, end my torment,
As I sit next to you in utter content.
Giddy as a child, I laugh, you chatter
As you continue on, my mind is a scatter."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a wonderful tale told in poetic form of love at first sight at a masquerade ball. I wonder what time period it was? But I love the mystery about it, it leaves the interpretation up to me. The word choice was wonderful, well done. I loved the story told, and the ending was quite sad, but it was a more realistic ending that way. Nice job!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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165
165
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi warm-as-bullets !

I did a search for account birthdays and found your portfolio and this poem sounded interesting, so here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is serious, full of wisdom. The diction is some of the best I've seen thus far.

SOUND PATTERNS:

I found some alliteration with "sometimes silence says" and "Peter Pan."

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

There was some imagery with stars, bones, storybooks, and Peter Pan *BigSmile* Very nice.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

Punctuation and enjambment went hand in hand, very good. The meter flowed well. There was some repetition of some phrases but not to the point where it was negative.

ERRORS:

Fairytales --> Fairy tales

SUGGESTIONS:

Other than the one error, I have none, I loved it the way it is!

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

There were so many to choose from, but if I had to choose, they would be:

"Let wonder be our religion,
And awe struck be our permanent state."

and

"Let kisses be our words;
Sometimes silence says it all."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Wow! This was one of the most beautiful poems I've read in a long time. The choice of words used to phrase the lines was just magnificent! And the actual meaning of the lines touched me, for example, the two passages above from the Favorite Lines. What great concepts. I was just blown away by how wonderfully this was written and what a great twist there was at the end, very nice, symbolic. Excellent work!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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166
166
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Earlcraft !

I did a search for account birthdays and found your portfolio and this poem looked interesting, so here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, a wise choice to tell this story, and the tone is cautious and subdued.

SOUND PATTERNS:

The ending rhyming pattern was ABCB, and was followed well.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

I found a sunny sky, tears, flowering plants, a door and friends. Nice varied images.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

There was punctuation to complement the enjambment that was used for the line breaks. The meter was good at first, but lost its uniformity in the third stanza when some lines had too many metrical feet and some had too few. The fourth stanza definitely veered off the path of the smooth meter, but it somehow came back to it for the last stanza.

ERRORS:

None found.

SUGGESTIONS:

I'm wondering if you can somehow tighten up the meter to make the flow smoother, more natural.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"Familiarity, warm and soothing

Yet somehow disturbing, too.

A warm breeze, a sunny sky–

But a cold chill blew."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a most interesting story told in the form of a poem. The narrator is going to meet some old friends she hasn't seen in a while, but something doesn't feel right about the whole thing. The emotions were well portrayed in this piece. Good job.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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167
167
Review of My Fathers Shadow  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Darlin ~ Writer !

I did a search for account birthdays and this poem interested me so here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is calm, one of remembrance, and then one of melancholy.

SOUND PATTERNS:

There was assonance with "Walking in my fathers," "walk along," "family gathered," and more. The ending rhyming scheme of ABCB sounded natural.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

A child, a father, a shadow, kids, a family, a room, the sun, a cloud and angels. All lovely images.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The lines were broken up with enjambment, and there was no punctuation used. The meter flowed relatively smoothly, a little rocky in places but that can be heard by reading the piece aloud. "Shadow" was repeated four times.

ERRORS:

in my fathers --> in my father's

SUGGESTIONS:

Punctuation might be useful in this piece. I'm wondering if you could find another way to phrase "shadow" so as to not use it too much.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"Then as the room fades to shadow
The sun goes behind a cloud
I hear the angels call me home
With voices strong and proud"

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a beautifully written yet sad tale of a woman who will soon join her father in the afterlife to walk in his shadow, as she phrases it so wonderfully. Great job.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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168
168
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi KayLee !

I did a search for account birthdays and found your portfolio, so here are my thoughts on your poem.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is second person, and the tone is inquisitive. The diction is good.

SOUND PATTERNS:

The ending rhyming pattern is simple yet it works. There was alliteration with "think that," "too tall" and "broken, You are black."

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

I found a mirror, a nose, teeth, hair, eyes, ears, feet, face, a wall, and a trash can. Most images pertained to the body, which was appropriate as the poem had to do with self-image.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

Enjambment along with punctuation made for smooth line breaks, and the meter flowed extremely well, nearly perfect. "Mirror, Mirror on the wall" was repeated in every other stanza.

ERRORS:

None found.

SUGGESTIONS:

Since that line was repeated in every other stanza, I'm wondering if you could reword it at times to mix it up so that it doesn't become monotonous.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"You are broken, You are black

You are chipped, and You are cracked!"

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I love the transformation of the narrator's opinion about the mirror in this poem, how she goes from relying on the mirror's opinion of herself and almost wanting to please the mirror to get the mirror's approval, to in the end rebelling against the mirror, not caring what it thinks, and throwing it away! Well done!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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169
169
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi MelvinMhk !

I did a search for account birthdays and found your portfolio, so here are my thoughts on your great poem.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is third person, and at the end it uses second person, and the tone is serious and almost dark. The diction is good.

SOUND PATTERNS:

The end rhyming pattern sounded natural. There was alliteration with "Lived a lonely," "single soul," "were the worst," and more.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

A shack, an old man, stones, a gate, a town, a widow, food, tears, and more. All wonderful images that filled up the story.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks employed enjambment, and the meter flowed smoothly. There wasn't too much repetition of certain words that sounded trite.

ERRORS:

If he hadn't of let her --> If he hadn't let her

Instead of using the commas written like ,,,,, use periods like ...

SUGGESTIONS:

Just the error above.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"There wasn’t a single soul in the whole town who cared
What happened to the man who lived ‘up there’
And even if there was who would he let in
For him love and kindness were the worst possible sin"

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was an awesome story told in poetic form with stunning visuals that painted a full picture in my mind's eye. It was beautifully written, however sorrowful, and the characters were so well developed. I'm still surprised that this is a poem and not a story! *BigSmile* Bravo!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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170
170
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Hi RaegenNikle ,

I found your draft on the Noticing Newbies page and it sounded interesting, so I thought I'd take a look. The opening line hooked me right away, as it was a loaded question. It then went on to expand that question a bit, which I liked.

The second paragraph begins to explain the process of becoming depressed. It is taken into account that different people become depressed at different speeds, which is accurate. The "lack-there-of" should be written "lack-thereof", and I don't think it's necessary to use the quotation marks.

The third paragraph talks about the names one labels oneself as when one is feeling depressed, and the stress they go through. I'm wondering if you could add in there some details from clinical research so as to enhance your statements.

This was an intriguing article, and I'd like to see it expanded into a longer work.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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171
171
Review of Growing  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi 13liss !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and it looked interesting, so here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is third person, and the tone is mysterious. The diction is excellent.

SOUND PATTERNS:

I found some assonance with "does but" and "sun does." The rhyming scheme was good, sounding natural.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

There was a lot of good imagery here, with a desolate plain of dirt, a valley, the sun, grey clouds, water, a tiny seedling, the sky, and much more. Nice.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

Enjambment was employed to break up the lines in most of the stanzas, but it still flowed well. The meter was mostly smooth except for in the fourth stanza where there is only three lines and the lines seem to be too short, with too few metrical feet.

ERRORS:

I believe "earth whence it came" should read "earth from whence it came."

SUGGESTIONS:

I'd suggest fixing the meter in the fourth stanza, and the one error above.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"As nature’s magic steroid,
shines down from open hand."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a beautifully expressed piece with powerful diction. I loved the transformation of the valley from barren to having that mighty oak tree, there were lovely visuals to take us through that transformation. Nice job!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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172
172
Review of Coven  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Hi elizjohn !

I did a search for account birthdays and found your portfolio, and this story interested me. Here are my thoughts.

Plot:

A coven of witches are ready to pledge their allegiance to a new witch.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

The witches, unnamed, and the red-haired witch, also unnamed.

Setting:

Unknown.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice was third person and the tone was suspenseful. The diction was good, and there was little narration, but it was good when there was some.

*Thought*Dialogue:

Very good dialogue, very effective.

Beginning and Ending:

The ending hooked me right away with "Go and get the girl," excellent intro. The ending left me satisfied, and was actually a twist because I thought the witches didn't like the red-haired one, but it turns out they esteemed her. Way to go.

Errors:

None found.

Suggestions:

I wouldn't liked to know some names and the setting, but I understand the constraints of flash fiction and the word limit.

*Heart*Favorite Lines:

"Go and get the girl."

Summary:

This was an intriguing piece that had me engrossed the entire time, and although very short, it had a beginning, middle and end. A fine work of flash fiction. Bravo!

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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173
173
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Hi AngelArchiver !

I did a search for account birthdays and found your portfolio and this story sounded interesting, so I took a look. Here are my thoughts.

Plot:

A grandfather, also a war veteran, waits to welcome his grandson home from war after he joined the National Guard.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

The Old Soldier, the corporal, and the grandson.

Setting:

Outside of a cemetery, but we didn't find that out until the end (clever).

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice was third person, the exposition was done nicely, the narration was great and the diction was good as well.

*Thought*Dialogue:

The dialogue sounded authentic but I didn't know where they were from.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning had me hooked, catching my interest immediately. The ending left me a little confused. I wasn't sure if the grandson was just a vision, or if the Old Soldier's other soldier buddies were just visions, or both, or if even the Old Soldier himself was a vision too, and in that way, they could all see each other. The line at the end "The images of the soldiers shimmered and began to fade." doesn't really clarify which "soldiers" it's referring to.

Errors:

None found.

Suggestions:

Maybe clarify the ending.

*Heart*Favorite Lines:

"He said he wanted to do that, too; he wanted to be something, to make something of his life. And he did; he made me proud, and served his country. He has his own medals now."

Summary:

This was a wonderful yet sad story. It was developed smoothly, not too slow and not too rushed, with lovely details and descriptions sprinkled throughout the narration. Very well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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174
174
Review of The Visitor  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Angus !

I found your short story on the Request Reviews page and thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

Plot:

Perry wakes up to a man speaking to him in his holding cell in jail, and the man knows what Perry did the night before.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

Perry, and the man, who turns out to be one of the Devil's minions. Also Perry's wife and kids.

Setting:

In the holding cell, then in Perry's bedroom.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice was interesting, as it employed first person when in the minion's head, and then third person when narrating the story in general. The tone was a bit suspenseful as I was anxious to know what happened next the entire time I was reading it. There was very little exposition. The diction was great.

*Thought*Dialogue:

The dialogue was believable and flowed well.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning was very interesting as I knew it was a first person narration, and then when it switched to third person it got even more interesting. The opening line told me that this was a character I had to get to know. The ending was a tiny bit confusing, as I wasn't sure if it really was just a nightmare or if he took the minion's offer after all.

Errors:

No technical errors found.

Suggestions:

I'd clarify the ending a tiny bit, but if I'm the only one who's confused, then my bad *BigSmile*

*Heart*Favorite Lines:

"Well, well, well. What have we here?" Nice hook.

Summary:

This was a nice take on the classic tale of selling one's soul. I enjoyed the switching between the minion's narration and the third person narration of the story. It was very well written.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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175
175
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi tosca !

I found your poem featured on the Recently Awarded Items category on the main page, and the description of the poem sparked my interest. Here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is angry. The diction is wonderful.

SOUND PATTERNS:

There was some alliteration with "seek a solution". There were some rhymes, although the entire poem didn't rhyme, but I liked it that way.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

I found some awesome imagery, vivid, from a mother, a child, a painter, a pregnant woman bleeding, and a paintbrush.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks were unconventional, using fragments for most lines, but it worked. Meter N/A, but the flow was good.

ERRORS:

None found.

SUGGESTIONS:

I have none, sorry! I loved it the way it is *BigSmile*

*Heart*IMPACTFUL LINES:

"I want to dip my brush in
And paint it on the face
Of the hideous disgrace
We call the human race."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Wow! This poem's message came across loud and clear through lines that are subtle on the surface yet when the meaning is understood, they somehow slap you in the face. I think the example of the pregnant woman drove the point home. This was a beautifully written piece, however sad the subject matter may be. Bravo!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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