Hi BriAnnaNicole !
I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and it really interested me, so here are my thoughts.
VOICE, TONE, DICTION:
The voice is third person, a wise choice to tell a story, and the tone is somber. The diction is magnificent.
SOUND PATTERNS:
I found some rhyming couplets with "land/hand" and "command/expand" and finally "death/breath." Since I liked those rhymes, I would've liked to see the rest of the couplets rhyme more traditionally and exactly so that the poem has a sense of uniformity.
IMAGERY:
There was a lot of rich imagery here, such as a hazy mist, a dark night, ghouls, grey tombs, crimson moon, barren land, corpses, the necromancer (great word), tongues, ears, skeletons, magical scythe, hooded cloaks and bones. Awesome!
LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:
The line breaks were good but I wasn't too fond of using the hyphens so often to break the lines; I would've chosen a period. The meter was irregular as some lines had too many metrical feet compared to the shorter lines.
ERRORS:
When using archaic English, it's important to know the different forms. For example, "thou" means "you," and "thy" and "thine" both mean "your," but the difference in those two is that "thy" is used before a word beginning with a consonant, whereas "thine" is used before a word beginning with a vowel. Therefore, "thine final breath" should read "thy final breath," and "at thou command" should read "at thy command".
SUGGESTIONS:
I would polish up the meter so that it flows more smoothly, and fix the errors above.
FAVORITE LINES:
There were many lines that were my favorite, I loved them all really, but if I had to choose, they would be:
"Whilst the tormented corpses walked the earth once more,
By the necromancer’s murderous, beguiling hand—"
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
This was a fascinating poem that told a great story in poetic fashion. The use of language was really incredible as the vocabulary employed was most impressive. Bravo for a job well done!
Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing!
April
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