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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aquaviann
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27 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Surprise  
Review by aquaviann
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a quick and enjoyable read. I like that there are two surprises at the end -- the deserted nest full of seeds, and the fact that the speakers are themselves squirrels. I definitely didn't guess that detail until the end, but once I got it, I went back through to read it again. The two discussing the traffic of previous mice makes more sense in retrospect.

I only have a few small suggestions for correction. For clarity, the sentence, "They started exploring." could be moved to the beginning of next paragraph describing the attic. Also, the use of ellipses three times during Ted's dialogue was mildly distracting. Other than that, the writing is clear and conversational. Nice work overall.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
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Review by aquaviann
Rated: E | (4.5)
This poem has excellent imagery. I like how the details of the birds evoke a mood of energy and freedom. There are a few small grammatical and spelling details you could fix to polish the poem even further. For example, change "chirps and whispers" to "chirp and whisper" to match the tense of the previous verb "fly" since they are all referring to birds. You could change "each corners" to "all corners" and turn "it's" into "its" to make the poem read more smoothly and correctly. Overall, great depiction of a beautiful scene.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Death Upon My Lap  
Review by aquaviann
Rated: E | (4.0)
I appreciate the straightforward, honest nature of this poem. It deals with big topics of death and existence with a conversational, friendly tone. My only suggestion is to look at stanza 14 and remove the period in the line that begins with "staying". I can't tell if it's an intentional end to a sentence, but it slows down the eye in that spot.
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Review by aquaviann
Rated: E | (4.0)
An intriguing read! I like the old-fashioned language and the sounds. The "L" and "F" sounds repeated make the poem read a little like a tongue-twister, but it slows the reader down to feel the complexity of the imagery: the myriad knowledge a quill could absorb from its holder. My only suggestions are (1) to remove the comma near the beginning of the first line and (2) be consistent with capitalization at the beginning of each line. Great work!
5
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Review of Secutores.  
Review by aquaviann
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Amazing imagery in this poem. All the little details about the figure (his sweat, his armor, the kohl on his eyes) make him very lifelike. And I like how you have the stanzas arranged on the page. The back-and-forth placement gives the poem a very hesitant, footstep sort of feel. Great piece.
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Review of Coffee-ku  
Review by aquaviann
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is so cute! I love the playful imagery, especially the creative use of the word 'percolate'. The only possible change I could suggest would be to capitalize the first letter of the third stanza, to keep with the pattern of the others. Great piece overall!
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Review of So Many Rivers  
Review by aquaviann
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a beautiful piece. It has a steady, flowing rhythm to it, much like the rivers it describes. I like how the language is exact, yet open-ended, highlighting the mentions of each river name as a new era of the speaker's life. The only mistake I can see is that "its" in line 7 doesn't need an apostrophe. Overall, great poem.
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Review of Pompous  
Review by aquaviann
Rated: E | (5.0)
Amazing work. Your imagery is killer.
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Review of girl  
Review by aquaviann
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is so cool. I like the way you lined it up on the page; it's totally befitting of the "secret code" feeling of trying to read your crush's body language. I think the lowercase letters really work for it, too, making it feel a bit sneaky. The only thing I might suggest is some colons at the end of the non-indented lines ("two fingers this way means:") to give the 'answers' below a bit more formality.
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Review of Cancer Season  
Review by aquaviann
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like how this is arranged - streamlined and simplistic, like a haiku extended. It's got sort of a pale, disbelieving tone to it, which really matches the subject matter.

Line 4 seems to me like it'd be better in past tense, like lines 1-3 ("The shock as you saw..."). In line 9, I think you meant "heroes."

Other than those two things, looks great.
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Review of Somber Silence  
Review by aquaviann
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very unique piece. I like that it leads the reader through such a varied and interesting range of images.

Arranged in the way it is now, the length of the lines, combined with the myriad of imagery, make the poem a bit overwhelming. It might be more palatable broken up into shorter lines, so each image could be focused upon more easily as the poem is read.

There are two small spelling errors. In line 2, "rapterous" should be "rapturous" and near the end, "it's" should be "its" instead.

Overall, a very interesting read.
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Review of With You  
Review by aquaviann
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sweet poem. Great sentiment. Line 8 has one small mistake (should be "an angel") but otherwise, looks good!
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13
Review by aquaviann
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like the approach you used - a sort of thought-window during a full day. It's clear and earnest without being cliche. I can definitely relate to the situation. I like the last line.

"Is that the sun? Better get a move on...."

I wish moving on were as easy as it is simple.
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Review of Twisted Death  
Review by aquaviann
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Great! I spotted one small error. The apostrophe is missing in this sentence: "...peals of laughter occasionally coming from Adam(')s room."
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Review by aquaviann
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Excellent, striking work. For the sake of streamlining, the eighth line of the third verse could be shortened or split.
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16
Review by aquaviann
Rated: E | (5.0)
Superb. Perhaps disturbingly so.
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