I saw you're a brand new preferred author. After reading this story, I agree your good.
I didn't see any errors and have no suggestions. It was a pleasure to read and brought back similar memories.
This is a powerful poem with few words in short lines. Made to sound as if written by one with a small vocabulary which, however, makes the poem deeper and more sincere.
It was different. Great poem.
This is a return review. Thank you very much for yours.
There was indeed a surprise at the end.
There is one suggestion.
In the line, Holy crap! You guys!" She exclaimed. She needed to them,
I don't understand needed to them. Also, instead of using she exclaimed you might try some kind of action to put that across. Such as, she raised her hands above her head. Then, insert the words.
Anyway, well done with the descriptions, they painted a clear picture.
Thanks again for your review of The Blind Man and the Ghost.
Tattoos is good reading for those thinking over having a tattoo.
I like that it doesn't condemn tattoos or ridicule those who have them rather it suggests thinking long term.
Here in Japan there is a strong dislike of tattoos though recently young people dare to sport them in public. I heard that some of them are not really tattoos, but naturally fade over time.
Criminals used to to tattooed with a band on their forearm. This led to tattoos being associated with the Yakuza.
I suggest rereading your article for you will find a few grammatical errors.
Cute poem with a surprise at the end.
One suggestion. The line soon makes her getaway>makes quick her getaway
I was checking my reviews and saw one I forgot to reply to 3 years ago. A belated thanks.
I liked the ending! The computer was very sophisticated in being able to understand and reply. Having a camera would make the computer more interesting. Could it then read faces? Writer's Cramp is a hard challenge. Well done!
** Image ID #1617598 Unavailable ** The intent of this Straight Flush Review is to focus and discuss "straight up" facts - no sugary coating or fluff. "Just the facts, m'am."
Review:Hi Riot,
This story is about a young man who can’t forget an accident that resulted in the death of his girlfriend.He doesn’t want to get too close to anyone, so he doesn’t make friends. It’s a little tame. It’s more like he’s bothered not tortured by his past. You mention that he doesn’t care what happens to himself. It would be better if you showed his destructive behavior more.
I have some suggestions on a few sentences.
Jack had been commemorating his twenty-seventh birthday with a small group of acquaintances.> Commemorating means honoring the memory of. The usual word celebrating would be better here.
Someone had babbled something to him however he had been too influenced by the beer to care and too overwhelmed by the music to hear.> Someone had babbled something to him, however, he had been too influenced by the beer to care even if he could have heard the words over the booming music.
For the last six years it was the same thing, coming to the night clubs with a few acquaintances, co-workers, classmates, but none friends.> For the last six years it was the same thing, coming to the night clubs with a few acquaintances, co-workers, classmates, but none he could call a friend.
Looking at each of their faces he considered the group and then winced. Each year the faces were different. Jack never seemed to hang on to his friends for long.> I suggest changing the word friends to the pronoun them, since he didn’t make friends anymore.
His friends had relentlessly teased him and made fun of her behind her back because she was not the prettiest of the model figures in high school.> In this sentence there are two ideas. It would be better to break them up. She was not the prettiest of the model figures in high school. For that, his friends had relentlessly teased him.
At the end, your character is filled with fear when his cell rings, yet it’s not explained why he should be. I think you wanted it to be a premonition that he would receive a call from the dead, yet it wasn’t sufficiently clear.
The final line has no emotional content, so I’m left wondering; does she want to haunt him, or show she has forgiven him?
Aloha,
Kotaro
This piece was reviewed on behalf of: "Invalid Item"
What a cute and delightfully descriptive story of a train ride! I ride commuter trains nearly everyday and the childlike delight you show for the more traditional type of trains brought back memories of my own long ago trip on an SL.
It brightened my day.
I found a few typos.
I was lucky enough that he indulged my curiosity and moved that direction.> ...moved in that direction.
Watching all of the people milling around the platform, waiting to board, I wondered where they were going and what great adventures awaited them at their destination.> ...destinations.
“Watch you step, ma’am,” the conductor cautioned.> ...your step...
Too soon, the engine pulled into our destination station and screeched to a halt.> ...destination station... (I would delete one of these words)
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