*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aundria_k/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: ON
345 Public Reviews Given
348 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I enjoy reviewing and try to be as honest as possible. I look for specific things such as technical merit, flow and lyrical quality in poems, creativity, tone, and mood. Though I can be a tough critic, I strive to encourage writers to grow and challenge themselves. I feel that it is through constructive criticism that we grow as writers. I strive to give the writer feedback on the overall impact of the piece. I am the host and judge of the "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest"  and co-host of the "Roots & Wings Contest" 
I'm good at...
I enjoy reviewing poetry, but free form is my favorite. I feel I have a good grasp of the flow and cadence of a piece and can offer helpful suggestions to make a poem flow well.
Favorite Genres
Historical Fiction, Suspense, Fantasy, Sci-fi, Romance
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Essays, Short Stories
Least Favorite Item Types
Books, Novels
I will not review...
Books, Novels, Chapters
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 4 5 6 ... Next
26
26
Review of Bruises  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #1950616 Unavailable **


Hi Fire Quill

My name is Angels in my Ear and I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . I want to welcome you to WDC and thought I would give you some feedback on your work. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful.

*ButterflyB* Initial Impression: I was drawn to this piece because I also have depression and the title was very interesting. I could really relate with what its like to not only not be able to let go of those inner demons, but to have people not understand that it isn't a choice we're making. Many don't understand depression and think we're just being dramatic. (We are writers after all, so we are just dramatic naturally *Smile*) The poets sorrow at not being able to leave it behind and escape it is well expressed.

*Pencil* Technique: This piece has some technical issues that made it very difficult to read. It isn't formatted like poetry but many free verse poems aren't so I assumed it was free verse. After a couple of lines, I noticed the rhymes and realized that perhaps it was actually a traditional piece. But, even though the rhymes match they are sometimes internal and other times not. Also, the line lengths vary so much that it is difficult to catch the proper beat. There isn't and even cadence and rhythm. This makes the read a bit choppy. It means the reader is spending more time trying to get the rhythm than listening to content of the piece. So, although the content does come through, it doesn't have the power it is capable of.

*Cut* Suggestions: When writing traditional poetry, it is important that your rhymes match up rhythmically.(i.e. 123456 go, 123456 show.) rather than just at the end of each line. (123456 go, 123456789 show) By matching them in a rhythmic pattern the reader can tell at a glace how to read the piece. Not only should the line match rhythmically, but they must also be formatted to show how they should be read. I have taken your piece and reformatted it to show what I mean.

What could you possibly see in me?
I have nothing just my dysfunctional memory
I am fine.... Except this bruise on my heart,
wanting to shatter, break itself apart.

My notions speak louder then words,
an empty nest without its birds
I hate for you to see me broken,
so I break from within apart from tears and words outspoken

By using end rhyme instead of internal rhyme, it's easier for the reader to predict which words will rhyme and how to read the piece. This makes better rhyming pattern with a rhythm for the reader to fall into, and they do not have to work as hard to keep pace.

*FlowerV* Final Comments: This is a great start to a beautiful poem. It has a lot of potential. I'd love to see a little more work on the rhythm and beat, but I don't think those revisions will be difficult for you and I think this piece has a great message. I'd be happy to read it again if you do decide to make changes. I hope you keep at it to give it the impact it deserves.

I find it is through honest and thorough feedback that we grow as writers and my only goal is to help you do so. I hope that you find a home here at WDC. There are so many things to do that it can be a little overwhelming at first, but keep exploring. If you're interested in finding a friends that can help you find your way around come visit us at "Invalid Item"  We love to help you get motivated, challenge you to new heights, and help you make new friends. I'd love to hear from you

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
# by Not Available.


My review sig

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


27
27
Review of Life Goes On  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1950616 Unavailable **


Hi Sunnydaze

My name is Angels in my Ear and I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . I want to welcome you to WDC and thought I would give you some feedback on your work. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful.

*ButterflyB* Initial Impression: This is a poignant, sad piece about the realization that your life has not turned out the way you dreamed.

*Idea* Theme and Creativity: This piece is something many can relate to. Specifically middle aged mothers (like me *Smile*). I found that I have had these exact same thoughts myself. It was those thoughts that started me on my writing journey. I realized that in taking care of everyone else, I had lost myself. Writing got me back.

*Pencil* Technique: When I started reading this piece, I wasn't sure if it was free verse or traditional, and it took me a few lines before I figured out how to read it. The rhymes weren't obvious and I think that's what threw me off. This makes the read a bit choppy. It means the reader is spending more time trying to get the rhythm than listening to content of the piece. So, although the content does come through, it doesn't have the power it is capable of. The visual format can make a big difference here and by changing just a few things, you can really change that.

*Cut* Suggestions: To correct this, you need to format your lines into stanzas, and make a consistent pattern. Right now, your first 2 lines rhyme with each other and then you switch to a,b,c,b. I have reformatted a few lines to show you how this changes the way it reads. I haven't changed any of your content.

Did you ever wake up
alone and scared,
And want to go home,
but you're already there?

Your kids and husband are sleeping,
Everything's in it's place.
Then you look in the mirror,
And you don't see your face.

You now have a consistent a,b,c,b rhyming pattern that is obvious to the reader from the beginning. This makes a steady beat, and rhythm for the reader to fall into, and they do not have to work as hard to match up the rhymes. The stanzas breaks tell the reader that there is a new set of rhymes.

*FlowerV* Final Comments: This is a great start to a beautiful poem. It has a lot of potential. I hope you keep at it to give it the impact it deserves.

I find it is through honest and thorough feedback that we grow as writers and my only goal is to help you do so. I hope that you find a home here at WDC. There are so many things to do that it can be a little overwhelming at first, but keep exploring. If you're interested in finding a friends that can help you find your way around come visit us at "Invalid Item"  We love to help you get motivated, challenge you to new heights, and help you make new friends. I'd love to hear from you

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
# by Not Available.


My review sig

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


28
28
Review of Mistaken Love  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
** Image ID #1950616 Unavailable **


Hi Throughmyeyes

Hello again. I thought I'd review another of your pieces. It's good to see you posting your poetry here. In my reviews, I make an effort to help you understand areas that I think you can improve in. I hope this is helpful.

*ButterflyB* Initial Impression: This piece is about the heartbreak of lost love.

*Idea* Theme and Creativity: This piece is similar to the last piece of yours that I read. I find that when we have a subject we feel strongly about, we often write multiple pieces about it. That is just how our muse works and I think you did well in creating a completely different piece and unique from the other.

*Pencil* Technique: This piece also has a few things you can improve on. The meter and rhyme of this piece are inconsistent. This also makes the read a bit choppy. As I mentioned in my last review, a consistent rhyme pattern is needed. But there are also ways you can make your poems a little more rhythmic.

*Cut* Suggestions: When writing traditional rhyming poetry, it helps try to match the lines by syllable count. (i.e. 123456 go, 123456 show.)For example:

A future of just you and me (8)
Mistakes we made of a love in anger (10)
Never said your sorry (6)
Just pointed that finger (6)

A future of just you and me (8)
Mistakes we made in anger (7)
You Never said your sorry (8)
You just pointed that finger (7)

The syllable count would change to a 8,7,8,7 syllable pattern. This makes a steady beat, and rhythm for the reader to fall into, and they do not have to work as hard to keep pace.

*FlowerV* Final Comments: I hope I haven't discouraged you. I only review pieces I feel have potential. I don't intend to re-write your poem. If you do choose to edit, please feel free to use your own words to make the piece yours. I think, once again, this piece is touching and has a resigned tone to it. Please keep writing poetry. You can easily correct these issues and it will make your piece even stronger.

I find it is through honest and thorough feedback that we grow as writers and my only goal is to help you do so. I hope that you find a home here at WDC. There are so many things to do that it can be a little overwhelming at first, but keep exploring. If you're interested in finding a friends that can help you find your way around come visit us at "Invalid Item"  We love to help you get motivated, challenge you to new heights, and help you make new friends. I'd love to hear from you

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
# by Not Available.


My review sig

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


29
29
Review of A Moment in Time  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
** Image ID #1950616 Unavailable **


Hi Throughmyeyes

My name is Angels in my Ear and I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . I want to welcome you to WDC and thought I would give you some feedback on your work. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful.

*ButterflyB* Initial Impression: This is a sad and reflective piece about what happens when the excitement of new love wears off.

*Idea* Theme and Creativity: I think this is something many in long term relationships can relate to. Love changes over time. Sometimes it just ebbs and flows, and sometimes it turns from new love to monotonous and even anger. I think this is also about the heartbreak of finding out the person you fell in love with is not the person you thought they were.

*Pencil* Technique: While I find this piece has the lyrical quality of poetry, there are some issues with the format. it does not have an even cadence and rhythm. This makes the read a bit choppy. It means the reader is spending more time trying to get the rhythm than listening to content of the piece. So, although the content does come through, it doesn't have the power it is capable of.

*Cut* Suggestions: This is partly because of the inconsistent rhyme scheme.In this case, you begin with an a,b,a,b rhyme pattern. Line 5 doesn't rhyme with any other line. Then you switch your rhyme pattern to a,a Line 8 also has no rhyme and then a,a again.


A moment in time,(a)
Your touch was the light of my soul (b)
A moment in time, (a)
A true love that was never to grow old (b)

Now I am tossing and turning (c)

Wishing we would just speak (a)
How a True Love is always what we seek (a)

Now we make words of hate (b)

In this so called life we made (a)
As we watch that True Love just fade


Try to choose which pattern you want to follow. Either a,b,a,b or a,a,b,b and then stay consistent with that pattern throughout. This makes a steady pattern, and rhythm for the reader to fall into, and they do not have to work as hard to keep pace.

*FlowerV* Final Comments: I think this piece is relatable to many. This is a great start to a beautiful poem. It has a lot of potential. I hope you keep at it to give it the impact it deserves.

I find it is through honest and thorough feedback that we grow as writers and my only goal is to help you do so. I hope that you find a home here at WDC. There are so many things to do that it can be a little overwhelming at first, but keep exploring. If you're interested in finding a friends that can help you find your way around come visit us at "Invalid Item"  We love to help you get motivated, challenge you to new heights, and help you make new friends. I'd love to hear from you

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
# by Not Available.


My review sig

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


30
30
Review of February 14th  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1950616 Unavailable **


Hi, my name is Angels in my Ear and I want to welcome you to WDC.

This piece is very interesting, it is dark, yet I find myself giving a bit of a chuckle at the end. Maybe I'm just in a mood today. I really do like this thought though. Even after 22 years of marriage, I find I don't really enjoy Valentine's day. We've never celebrated it and find it a bit too much pressure. This is a great spin on this topic which makes your piece quite unique.

The flow and technique of this piece are well done. They rhythm and meter are easy to find which creates a steady beat for the reader to fall into. This makes the impact of your piece have more power. The only suggestion I have to break up your lines into 2 line stanzas instead of 1 line rhymes. For example:

The wind is a howling wall of snow,
a world of white, a frozen glow.

Earth and sky now seem as one.
Barren ground screams, "Life is done".


It would help the reader discover the meter much quicker and I do think it helps the rhyme pattern to stand out visually as well. You've done a great job here though, and I think overall this piece is funny, deep, thoughtful, and ironic all at the same time. Well done.

This site can be huge and daunting and I want to encourage you stick around. We'd love to see you at "Invalid Item" . We are a group focused on helping new members get their questions answered, their work read, and to find and make new friends in the community. If you'd like to join, feel free to post a hello, or even email me directly if you have questions. Welcome again.

Personal Angel Sig
31
31
Review of Forever  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #1950616 Unavailable **

Hi Squeakers

My name is Angels in my Ear and I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . I want to welcome you to WDC and thought I would give you some feedback on your work. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful.

*ButterflyB* Initial Impression: Whew! What a roller coaster ride. This piece goes from hopeful to melancholy quite a bit. The end is a bit dark.

*Idea* Theme and Creativity: This piece is something many people think about often. Does our life make a difference? Will we be remembered? Will anyone remember us fondly? At least, that's what popped into my mind.

*Pencil* Technique: While I find this piece has the lyrical quality of poetry, it does not have an even cadence and rhythm. This makes the read a bit choppy. It means the reader is spending more time trying to get the rhythm than listening to content of the piece. So, although the content does come through, it doesn't have the power it is capable of.

*Cut* Suggestions: To correct this, try to match the rhyming lines by syllable count. (i.e. 123456 go, 123456 show.) I would also separate it into stanzas to accent the rhyme pattern. So in this case, you have an a,b,c,b rhyme pattern. I have given an example of how the changes will fix the rhythm. Please know this is not an attempt to rewrite your piece for you and is only meant to illustrate the point.

Forever is just a word. (7 syllables)
Nothing but a myth. (5)
Just a sweet thought. (4)
Something we want to be with. (7)
We want things to last, (5)
But they never could. (5)
Maybe is life was different, (7)
They just might would. (4) (I don't understand this line. What does "just might would" mean)

Forever is just a word. (7)
Nothing but a myth. (5)
Maybe its just a sweet thought.(7)
We want to be with. (5)

We want things to last, (5)
But they never could. (5)
If life [were] different, (5)
Then maybe it would. (5)

The syllable count of each stanza can be different as long as the stanzas remain consistent. This makes a steady beat, and rhythm for the reader to fall into, and they do not have to work as hard to keep pace.

*FlowerV* Final Comments: This is a great start to a beautiful poem. It has a lot of potential. I hope you keep at it to give it the impact it deserves.

I find it is through honest and thorough feedback that we grow as writers and my only goal is to help you do so. I hope that you find a home here at WDC. There are so many things to do that it can be a little overwhelming at first, but keep exploring. If you're interested in finding a friends that can help you find your way around come visit us at "Invalid Item"  We love to help you get motivated, challenge you to new heights, and help you make new friends. I'd love to hear from you

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
# by Not Available.


One of my favorite writing quotes and the inspiration behind my pen name.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.



32
32
Review of Oblivion  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #1950616 Unavailable **

Hi kv13

My name is Angels in my Ear and I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . I want to welcome you to WDC and thought I would give you some feedback on your work. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful

*ButterflyB* Initial Impression: This piece is about capturing a moment in time. It is the reckless abandon we feel when love hits us and we no longer want to think about tomorrow. It's about our desire to live in the moment and take a chance.

*Pencil* Technique: This piece has such beautiful and poetic language. The imagery is vivid and the reader can really feel your passion and relate to it. However, I wouldn't call this a poem. It's more like poetic prose. Although you are free to keep the piece as is, I think it would fun to experiment with your format. Poetic prose can be easily converted into a free verse piece however. In fact, whenever I write free verse, this is exactly how it begins. I begin with a paragraph, and then proceed to break it in various places to see which format gives the impact I want.

In free verse, line breaks and punctuation are critical. They give the reader clues as to where to pause, stop and reflect, or read through. This can determine how the reader will hear and interpret your piece.

*Cut* Suggestions: So, using your words, I will break it up differently to show what I mean. When reading this, read it slowly and aloud, pausing or stopping only when the punctuation dictates.


Dance with me
on the edge of the oblivion.
Dive head first
into the unkown,
for the things left a mystery
are what makes this love
so alluring.

When it is broken up in this way, we hear the words individually rather than part of a whole thought. They don't run together as one sentence. We focus on the words me, oblivion, unknown, mystery . Those words separately create a recurring theme and mood. They now have a stronger impact on the reader because each phrase can stand on its own. This is not meant as a re-write of your piece and you should try it your own way. Break it in several different places before deciding on how you want it to read.


*FlowerV* Final Comments: It is said that "Reading free verse poetry can be compared to wine and honey. The taste should linger on the lips after the reading a good poem aloud."

This is a great start to a beautiful poem. It has a lot of potential. I hope you keep at it to give it the impact it deserves.


I find it is through honest and thorough feedback that we grow as writers and my only goal is to help you do so. I hope that you find a home here at WDC. There are so many things to do that it can be a little overwhelming at first, but keep exploring. If you're interested in finding a friends that can help you find your way around come visit us at "Invalid Item"  We love to help you get motivated, challenge you to new heights, and help you make new friends. I'd love to hear from you

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
# by Not Available.


One of my favorite writing quotes and the inspiration behind my pen name.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
33
33
Review of High Seas  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
My review sig

Hi Brian Thomas

My name is Angels in my Ear and I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . I want to welcome you to WDC and thought I would give you some feedback on your work. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful.

*ButterflyB* Initial Impression: This piece is about the loss of hope and difficulty life can sometimes heap upon us. But is also about finding hope too and not giving up. I like the progression of this piece from dark to light. But then, that's how I write too so we have that in common.

*Idea* Theme and Creativity: Although this is a common theme, it has a unique quality in that it has that salty sailor vocabulary and halted speech. Although it is not common in poetry, it is what makes it different and memorable. Very nice.

*Pencil* Technique: While I find this piece very interesting, it does not have an even cadence and rhythm. This makes the read a bit choppy. It means the reader is spending more time trying to get the rhythm than listening to content of the piece. So, although the content does come through, it doesn't have the power it is capable of.

*Cut* Suggestions: To correct this, try to match the rhyming lines by syllable count. (i.e. 123456 go, 123456 show.)


I need to know, that my life ain't gone to waste. (11 syllables)
I lost all hope once they decided to close the case. (13)

I need to know my life ain't gone to waste. (10)
I lost all my hope when they closed the case. (10)



This makes a steady beat, and rhythm for the reader to fall into, and they do not have to work as hard to keep pace.

*FlowerV* Final Comments: This is a great start to a beautiful poem. It has a lot of potential. I hope you keep at it to give it the impact it deserves.

I find it is through honest and thorough feedback that we grow as writers and my only goal is to help you do so. I hope that you find a home here at WDC. There are so many things to do that it can be a little overwhelming at first, but keep exploring. If you're interested in finding friends that can help you find your way around come visit us at "Invalid Item"  We love to help you get motivated, challenge you to new heights, and help you make new friends. I'd love to hear from you by email too.

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
# by Not Available.
34
34
Review of Smile  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #1950616 Unavailable **


Hello Dreamer1808 }

It's Angels in my Ear reviewing for the "Invalid Item"  Review Raid. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful.

*ButterflyB* Initial Impression: This piece is about the effect a simple smile can have on not only others but yourself.

*Idea* Theme and Creativity: I really like the theme of this piece. It isn't often written about, and I find that I'm left with a somber, yet peaceful feeling. The tone is well done.

*Pencil* Technique: While I find this piece has the lyrical quality of poetry, it does not have an even cadence and rhythm. This makes the read a bit choppy. It means the reader is spending more time trying to get the rhythm than listening to content of the piece. So, although the content does come through, it doesn't have the power it is capable of.


*Cut* Suggestions: To correct this, try to match the rhyming lines by syllable count. (i.e. 123456 go, 123456 show.) So in this case, you have an a,b,c,b rhyme pattern.

if there is one thing a favor I can ask of you (a) (13 syllables)
one task to fulfill before i die (b)(8)
then that would have to be the most beautiful thing (c) (12)
just simply watching you laugh and yes, smile (b) (10)

if there is a favor to ask of you (10)
one task to fulfill before (you)?die (9) (Are you asking them for a favor or yourself?)
then it would be the most beautiful thing (10)
simply watching you laugh and yes, smile (9)


The syllable count would change to a 10,9,10,9 syllable pattern. This makes a steady beat, and rhythm for the reader to fall into, and they do not have to work as hard to keep pace.

*FlowerV* Final Comments: I hope I haven't discouraged you. I promise I don't intend to rewrite you piece and hope that if you choose to do so, you will use your own words. *Smile*. This is a great start to a beautiful poem. It has a lot of potential. I hope you keep at it to give it the impact it deserves.

Please remember, these are just observations and suggestions. Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. Please feel free to contact me if you make any changes. I'd be happy to read it again.

One of my favorite writing quotes and the inspiration behind my pen name.


Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
35
35
Review of Angels  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1950616 Unavailable **


Hi Dreamer1808


This is Angels in my Ear reviewing for the "Invalid Item"  Review Raid. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful.

*ButterflyB* Initial Impression: This piece is about the sorrow we feel by the death of a loved one. Having recently lost my Grandmother, it held poignancy with me.

*Pencil* Technique: In free verse, line breaks and punctuation (if you choose to use it)are critical. They give the reader clues as to where to pause, stop and reflect, or read through. This can determine how the reader will hear and interpret your piece.

I found most of your line breaks to be well placed and thought out for maximum potential. There may have been too many one word lines for me, but that is more a matter of opinion than form.

When I write free verse, I tend to write it first as a paragraph of prose. I break it in several different ways. I then read it aloud using the punctuation to guide my pace. By doing this, I can determine which one gets my point across the best. In this case, I think you've done well.

*Cut* Suggestions: There are a few places I think you should make changes. First, I find exclamation points unnecessary in free verse. When a word is at the end of a line, it already gets the accent you are looking for. Second, the semicolon in not needed in the second stanza and feels out of place

I wonder if changing it to:
"We know God never
makes mistakes.

would put more emphasis on the point here. I don't know. That's what I mean by experimentation. I would also try to give it a more unique title as there are probably a ton of poem here with the same one. How can you make your stand out from the others?


*FlowerV* Final Comments: It is said that "Reading free verse poetry can be compared to wine and honey. The taste should linger on the lips after the reading a good poem aloud."

This is a beautiful poem. It is well done in my opinion.

I find it is through honest and thorough feedback that we grow as writers and my only goal is to help you do so. I hope that you find a home here at WDC. There are so many things to do that it can be a little overwhelming at first, but keep exploring.

Personal Angel Sig

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
36
36
Review of Roses in Heaven  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Absolutely beautiful Winnie. My grandmother passed this week and I stumbled across this tribute. I've been asked to write a poem for her, and this piece is truly inspiring. I hope I can find a way to capture the same beauty you have in this piece.
37
37
Review of One's Mind  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
My review sig

Hi vmc_4

My name is Angels in my Ear and I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . I want to welcome you to WDC and thought I would give you some feedback on your work. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful

*ButterflyB* Initial Impression: This is a haunting look into the mind of a tortured soul.

*Idea* Theme and Creativity: I relate to this piece because I am a home bound epileptic, and feel that not only am I virtually imprisoned in my home, but my mind as well. No one has time to just have conversations, and I seem to retreat more into my mind more and more. This is a very interesting piece and evokes both sympathy and empathy in the reader.

*Pencil* Technique: As it is currently written, I would not call this piece a poem. It reads more like short fiction. Most poems don't show the physical action of the poet but rather the poet's inner monologue. However, that doesn't mean it can't do so, it just means you need to approach it a bit differently in technique. Many of my pieces begin this way as well. But to make this into a poem you need to take it a step further. Free verse doesn't have any hard and fast rules, but there is still a technique to it.

In free verse, line breaks and punctuation are critical. They give the reader clues as to where to pause, stop and reflect, or read through. This can determine how the reader will hear and interpret your piece.

*Cut* Suggestions: So, using your words, I will break it up differently to show what I mean. When reading this, read it slowly and aloud, pausing or stopping only when the punctuation dictates.

I shake the cell bars fiercely.
Begging to be let out.
It hits (what hits?) the cell door with such force
and causes me to jump back,
almost losing my balance.

It pushes me around
with a strength that is unexplainable.
It drags me here and there.
I've tried to fight back
this awful force.

When it is broken up in this way, we hear the words individually rather than part of a whole thought. We focus on the word They now have a stronger impact on the reader because each phrase can stand on its own. This is not meant as a re-write of your piece and you should try it your own way. Break it in several different places before deciding on how you want it to read.

*FlowerV* Final Comments: It is said that "Reading free verse poetry can be compared to wine and honey. The taste should linger on the lips after the reading a good poem aloud." I hope you will work with the formatting a little more. This is a great start. It has a lot of potential. I hope you keep at it to give it the impact it deserves.


I find it is through honest and thorough feedback that we grow as writers and my only goal is to help you do so. I hope that you find a home here at WDC. There are so many things to do that it can be a little overwhelming at first, but keep exploring. If you're interested in finding a friends that can help you find your way around come visit us at "Invalid Item"  We love to help you get motivated, challenge you to new heights, and help you make new friends. I'd love to hear from you

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
# by Not Available.


Image #1929286 over display limit. -?-

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
38
38
Review of Bleeding pain  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
My review sig

Hi nhlanhla

My name is Angels in my Ear and I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . I want to welcome you to WDC and thought I would give you some feedback on your work. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful

*ButterflyB* Initial Impression: This is a heartbreaking piece about a woman longing to be loved who has been broken by life

*Idea* Theme and Creativity:This piece is very cathartic and many people can relate to it. It verbalizes the heartbreak many of us have been through and inspires both sympathy and empathy of the reader for the poems subject.

*Pencil* Technique: This piece reads more like prose and is not formatted like poetry. The capitalization and punctuation are distracting to the eye, and create a choppy read. It lacks the flow and lyrical quality of poetry. But all is not lost.

In free verse, line breaks and punctuation are critical. They give the reader clues as to where to pause, stop and reflect, or read through. This can determine how the reader will hear and interpret your piece.

*Cut* Suggestions: So, using your words, I will break it up differently to show what I mean. When reading this, read it slowly and aloud, pausing or stopping only when the punctuation dictates.

Tears she cries every day,,,,, they never stop, that is why they never END.
The pain in her heart she feels every day,,,, it never stops, that is why she never LEARNS.
Got used to the pain,,,, she feels it even when its NOT THERE.


Tears she cries every day
They never stop,
that is why they never
End.

The pain in her heart she feels every day
It never stops,
that is why she never
Learns

Got used to the pain
she feels it even when its
Not there.

When it is broken up in this way, you don't need to capitalize the words you want to emphasize. By giving them their own line they now get that attention. This is not meant as a re-write of your piece and you should try it your own way. Break it in several different places before deciding on how you want it to read. Also, it is IMPERATIVE that you title your pieces. People will choose what to read by an alluring title. Even if it is not your favorite and may change, using just "poem" will actually deter them. It may give the false impression that you are not creative.

*FlowerV* Final Comments: It is said that "Reading free verse poetry can be compared to wine and honey. The taste should linger on the lips after the reading a good poem aloud." Many of my own pieces begin in this same way. Once you have the words down all that remains is formatting, and breaking up your lines for maximum impact. This is a great start to a beautiful poem. It has a lot of potential. I hope you keep at it to give it the impact it deserves.


I find it is through honest and thorough feedback that we grow as writers and my only goal is to help you do so. I hope that you find a home here at WDC. There are so many things to do that it can be a little overwhelming at first, but keep exploring. If you're interested in finding a friends that can help you find your way around come visit us at "Invalid Item"  We love to help you get motivated, challenge you to new heights, and help you make new friends. I'd love to hear from you

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
# by Not Available.


Image #1929286 over display limit. -?-

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
39
39
Review of The Cat  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)

My review sig


This was so cute. I have family in a rural farming community and it reminded me of those summers I spent there watching nature as a child. Your imagery is well done. You also have a very good pace with an even meter. It flows nicely and the reader can easily catch the rhythm. Nicely done.

I saw you've also entered my contest and am glad to see you getting involved here. I think you should come join the "Invalid Item" . We help you meet people and learn to navigate the site. We'd love to have you. If your interested, please post a note in "Invalid Item"  and well get you started.

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
# by Not Available.


Image #1986226 over display limit. -?-
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
40
40
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+
My review sig



Hey 🌷 Carol St.Ann 🌷

Well, here we go again. Review #2. I only hope it will be as helpful as the last one seemed to be.

Initial Impression: This is the story of your personal experience of being in the presence of JFK. By relating this story, the tragedy of his death has more meaning to you, and although you do not say so, it comes through.

What I liked: You know, it seems as if there are a lot of "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" stories. Although those are still interesting, this gives us the same sense of memory of that time without using that same question.

Although I wasn't born yet when he was shot, (You are soooo old *Smile*), I imagine it had the same feel to you as 9/11 had to me. Unimaginable. As you mentioned in your story.

What to work on: I'm not sure I would start with that question. Once again, you are telling us upfront what your story is about rather than letting us take the journey with you. Perhaps you could begin with looking through a photo album and coming across this picture. You would then flash back to that day, and let us find out why it is so significant.

Also, I only know that he was shot in 63, not the actual date *Blush*. I don't think it is necessary to state that you saw him a month before he died. Give us the date you saw him. For those that know the date, they will figure it out and kind of share that secret with you as kind of a foreshadowing. For those that don't, they will avidly read to find out.

Final Comments: I really like the viewpoint of this piece. Not only is it a memoir, but it is a piece of history. I asked my parents about this too. Because it was one of those moments frozen in time, I don't think I know one person who doesn't remember where they were and how it affected them. I have a few of those myself. I know exactly where I was when Challenger exploded (watching live with my 6th grade class), when Princess Di died (camping in Yellowstone) and of course 9/11. I was in my front room watching live, 7 months pregnant, and excited to celebrate my 9th anniversary. 9/11/92. Happy anniversary right? Now it has dual meaning and I'm often not sure if I should be happy or sad. I guess reflective should do.

My point, of course, is that this is a memory and story worth writing, and I'm glad you chose to do so. Make sure your kids read it. They'll be glad you did.

Please remember, these are just observations and suggestions. Feel free to edit and make changes as you find them needed.


Image #1986226 over display limit. -?-


FORUM
Roots & Wings Contest  (E)
Can you capture the essence of an ancestor in one story? CLOSED
#1962161 by GeminiGem of House Lannister

41
41
Review of Love is Blind  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
My review sig

Hi Jen

My name is Angels in my Ear and I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . I want to welcome you to WDC and thought I would give you some feedback on your work. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful.

*ButterflyB* Initial Impression: This piece is about the fear we have of commitment and trying to overcome this pain for a chance at joy.

*Idea* Theme and Creativity: Love is always a tough subject for a poem. Although it is written about often, it is hard to make it stand out and say something that hasn't been said by other poets throughout time. However, most love poems are not written for the reader, but as a catharsis for the writer. This piece does have the feel of baring the soul of the poet.

*Pencil* Technique: While I find this piece has the lyrical quality of poetry, it does not have an even cadence and rhythm. Because of this, I'm not sue if it is free verse or traditional. Because of the internal rhyme, I'm going to assume it is a traditional piece and will give my comments accordingly.This piece reads a bit choppy. The reader is spending more time trying to get the rhythm than listening to content of the piece. So, although the content does come through, it doesn't have the power it is capable of.

*Cut* Suggestions: To correct this, try to match the rhyming lines by syllable count. (i.e. 123456 go, 123456 show.)


I won't commit to just one man, (8 syllables)
my heart will break, where will we stand? (8)
Now, I have this off my chest (7)
and put our love through a test (7)
But I will walk away humble (8)
for love is nothing but trouble (8)

(I'm not sure if this last line is supposed to rhyme or not. It kind of broke your meter and rhyming pattern)

I'm sure you noticed I took a few liberties here adding and removing words. Sorry about that. I promise I'm not trying to rewrite your piece, but just use them as an example of how rhythm and meter can be achieved.You now have a steady beat, and rhythm for the reader to fall into, and they do not have to work as hard to keep pace.


*FlowerV* Final Comments: This is a great start to a beautiful poem. It has a lot of potential. I hope you keep at it to give it the impact it deserves.

I find it is through honest and thorough feedback that we grow as writers and my only goal is to help you do so. I hope that you find a home here at WDC. There are so many things to do that it can be a little overwhelming at first, but keep exploring. If you're interested in finding a friends that can help you find your way around come visit us at "Invalid Item"  We love to help you get motivated, challenge you to new heights, and help you make new friends. I'd love to hear from you

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
# by Not Available.


Image #1929286 over display limit. -?-

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.



"Shadows and Light Poetry Contest" 

"Roots & Wings Contest" 
42
42
Review of Wonderland  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
My review sig



Hey Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk
I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: Although this is once again form poetry, I find it is much to my liking. The rhyme and meter are easy to follow and flow off the tongue easily. Rather than focusing on making the lines match, I can hear the meaning of the content much louder. Which brings me to:

What I liked: I like the alliteration in the very first line. Very fun. I also like the line you have chosen as a refrain. I love how the first stanza starts off enticing and alluring, practically begging the reader to find what's in store. In the second stanza, you deliver on your promise and we have fun running around discovering our new surroundings. But I love the third stanza the most. It changes the tone to a darker place and suddenly springs the trap. I know this was written as a reverse image piece and it's done very well.

It seems to have many correlations to life, the strongest of which of course is drug addiction. While upon the first reading it is a fun jaunt, it seems to stick with the reader for a deeper reason. It works on many levels.

What to work on: I always try to give at least one suggestion in my reviews even if it is nit picky to give the writer something to consider so here goes.... I got nothin *Smile*

Final Comments: Awesome piece. Thanks for sharing it, and for bidding on my package. I hope you got the benefit of your winning bid *Blush*,

Please remember, these are just observations and suggestions. Feel free to edit and make changes as you find them needed.

Image #1940760 over display limit. -?-

FORUM
Genre Auction and Fundraiser  (E)
Come bid on review packages in your favorite genre.
#1993416 by Angels in my Ear

43
43
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
My review sig



Hey Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: I like the subject of this piece. Perhaps because I relate to it. I cannot bake to save my life! It's either hard as a rock or doughy. Plus my meds make me dizzy so I would be dropping that thing the second I picked it up.

What I liked:As you know, I am not familiar with specific format, but I'll tell you how this piece came across for the average reader.

First, I'm relieved it didn't start with "There once was a man from Nantucket... *Laugh*. (My husband tends to think that is HILARIOUS! He's obviously NOT a poet). But, I found this piece to be very entertaining and light, and it left me in a good mood.

What to work on: I'm not sure if limericks go on syllable count or what, but the meter seemed off for me the first time I read it through and I had to re-read it to try and make the meter match. This is how I ended up getting it to work for me.


There once was a baker from Vermont,
Who made cakes sky high with fondant.
Their height quite a sight,
And to transport a fright;
Perhaps he should stick with croissant!

Also, "tall" and "height" mean the same and are redundant unless you are using them for the sake of the form.

Final Comments: This is a fun piece and left me laughing. I hope my comments are helpful rather than way off in left field for this form. But, I felt as an average reader, and not an educated one, I would give you my impression. Sorry for re-writing it. I HATE it when people do that but wanted to give you my first impression.

Please remember, these are just observations and suggestions. Feel free to edit and make changes as you find them needed.

Image #1940760 over display limit. -?-

FORUM
Genre Auction and Fundraiser  (E)
Come bid on review packages in your favorite genre.
#1993416 by Angels in my Ear

44
44
Review of Marching Orders  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
My review sig



Hey Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: Well, unfortunately this is a form piece, and I'm not the best at form poetry. So I'll be commenting on overall lyrical quality and emotional impact if that's alright.

What I liked: I'm a sucker for refrains in a poem and although this is a requirement in this format (thanks for the definition at the bottom *Laugh*) it is still important to choose the right words for that refrain. If the repeated line is does not add to the piece and is not chosen for impact, it does not pull the piece together. By choosing that particular refrain, you are giving the reader the impression that the poet has no say in his fate and is also a good soldier.

What to work on: I felt the line "Hopefully things won’t go awry!" felt a little out of place. This piece has a solemn and formal tone to me, and feels like a description of a soldier's duty and his willingness to follow it. For some reason, this line changes the tone and shows fear on the poet's part. It takes us out of the soldier's proud duty and becomes more of an individual piece.

Final Comments: I like the theme of this piece and the pride it inspires. It reminds us that while the soldiers may not like their commands, they will follow them for the good of the country.

Please remember, these are just observations and suggestions. Feel free to edit and make changes as you find them needed. There is no prohibition on editing for this contest. My aim to is to help you find the most relevant and entertaining way to record your family history. I hope this contest will encourage you to keep digging. There is a gold mine of people waiting for you to find them.


Image #1940760 over display limit. -?-

FORUM
Genre Auction and Fundraiser  (E)
Come bid on review packages in your favorite genre.
#1993416 by Angels in my Ear

45
45
Review of poem  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello check

My name is Angels in my Ear and I thought I'd review your piece. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

*ButterflyB* Initial Impression: This piece is an open and loving letter to the writer's mother.

*Pencil* Technique: This piece, in it's current form, would not be considered poetry. It is lyrical prose. However, it lacks any punctuation making it feel like a run on sentence. This makes it difficult to read as the reader cannot pause and reflect on each individual point. However, it does have potential as a free verse piece.

In free verse, line breaks and punctuation are critical. They give the reader clues as to where to pause, stop and reflect, or read through. This can determine how the reader will hear and interpret your piece.

*Cut* Suggestions: So, using your words, I will break it up differently to show what I mean. When reading this, read it slowly and aloud, pausing or stopping only when the punctuation dictates.

Mother, I know we're not happy
with the way we live,
but in times like these
we must still give
respect and love.

When it is broken up in this way, we hear the words individually rather than part of a whole thought. We focus on the word They now have a stronger impact on the reader because each phrase can stand on its own. This is not meant as a re-write of your piece and you should try it your own way. Break it in several different places before deciding on how you want it to read.

Also, the name of this piece is generic and will not attract readers. Titles are an important part of your work, and must be different and interesting.

*FlowerV* Final Comments: While this piece has a loving tone, it is very rough and will require some work. This is a great start and has some potential. I hope you keep at it to give it the impact it deserves.


Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. I would encourage you to keep working this piece instead of moving on to the next. Great poems require time and A LOT of editing and many people are not willing to do it. I hope you will and that you will please contact me if you need some feedback.



Personal Sig center}
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


FORUM
Shadows and Light Poetry Contest  (E)
Do you love the challenge and creativity of free verse poetry? This contest is for you.
#1935693 by Choconut ~ House Targaryen


"Roots & Wings Contest"  }
46
46
Review of Fall  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
My review sig

Hi BlaqkShadow

My name is Angels in my Ear and I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . I want to welcome you to WDC and thought I would give you some feedback on your work. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful.

*ButterflyB* Initial Impression: This is a cathartic piece about love lost and the quest to recover.

*Idea* Title: The title of a piece is what entices the readers to choose your piece. It hints at the content without giving it away. While your title does that to some extent, it is a bit too generic. There are many pieces with this name I'm sure. Also, your description is actually too descriptive. Again, you want to interest the reader without telling what the piece is about. You will find that many readers will see a completely different meaning than what you intended. This way, they can try to figure it out themselves.

*Pencil* Technique: I find this piece has the lyrical quality of poetry. It has a fairly even meter, although there are places where it falters. However, I had difficulty following the rhythm because your rhyme scheme is all over the page. You start out with an a,b,c,b then change to a d,e,f,g where none of the lines rhyme then you go back to rhyming lines with a,a,b,b, This inconsistent rhyming pattern is confusing and throws the reader off of the rhythmic music of your piece. I know that is a bit technical so I will show you what I'm referring to.

The harsh wind wraps around my face, (A)
The cold chills me to the bone, (B}
I can see the ocean from where I'm standing (C)
I'm far away from home. (B)
High above the road beneath me, (D)
Too high to jump, enough to fall,(E)
Just one wrong move and I'm history,(F)
Another stain on the past of fools. (G)
My minds a blur yet clear as ice,(A)
I can't think straight, but I don't think twice.(A)

*Cut* Suggestions: Not only would I change to a consistent rhyming pattern, (You can choose whichever works a,b,a,c or a,b,c,b which are the ones I prefer), but I would break this into quatrains. (Stanzas of 4 lines each). This consistency will help the reader focus more on content than format.


*FlowerV* Final Comments: I really hope I haven't discouraged you. When I began writing on this site, I had no formal education past HS writing classes. These technical reviews taught me a lot, and I was actually asked to be a poetry editor for an e-zine after learning and applying these concepts. You actually have a knack for meter, which ironically is what I find most difficult for many poets. If you work on those things I mentioned, you have great potential and a great poem. If you have questions on any of the things I mentioned, please don't hesitate to e-mail me. I'd love to see this poem reach the potential it has.

I find it is through honest and thorough feedback that we grow as writers and my only goal is to help you do so. I hope that you find a home here at WDC. There are so many things to do that it can be a little overwhelming at first, but keep exploring. If you're interested in finding a friends that can help you find your way around come visit us at "Invalid Item"  We love to help you get motivated, challenge you to new heights, and help you make new friends. I'd love to hear from you

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
# by Not Available.


Image #1929286 over display limit. -?-

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.



"Shadows and Light Poetry Contest" 

"Roots & Wings Contest" 
47
47
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (2.5)
This piece has some potential but is extremely repetitive. You say "I sit here" 3 times and "Think of (me) you" 3 times. In a poem of this length that is too much repetition and doesn't say much to the reader. I wonder if you could find different words to express the same thoughts. A thesaurus could be helpful.

I think if you expand on this piece, you may be able to find a way to make this piece a little more lyrical.
48
48
Review of Untitled  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
My review sig

Hi erind

My name is Angels in my Ear and I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . I want to welcome you to WDC and thought I would give you some feedback on your work. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful

*ButterflyB* Initial Impression: This piece is about a relationship falling apart, and the poet realizing it is beyond repair.

*Idea* Theme and Creativity: I liked the idea of useless time, and that even if you could take the time you need it would never work. It is about the poet coming to terms with reality.

*Pencil* Technique: I find this piece is a good start, but it is extremely repetitive. Each stanza says the same thing twice over, and almost in the exact same way. If you want to repeat the same idea, (which can make a strong impact), find a way to use different words to do so. There are forms of poetry that utilize repetition of lines as a poetic device. Perhaps you should try out a Constanza form. I think the 2nd and 4th stanzas are exactly the same, so perhaps that is just an error. But the repetition also occurs in the 2nd and 3rd stanza.

*Cut*Suggestions:I think the 2nd and 4th stanzas are exactly the same, so perhaps that is just an error. But the repetition also occurs in the 2nd and 3rd stanza.


There's no time to borrow
I can't borrow anymore
even if I could use it to
rebuild my world
that was broken several weeks ago
a world came crashing down around me
and I needed that time to rebuild
I could use to borrow some more
but that isn't happening

With each second that slips by
with each day that slips by
I wounder how I can smile
pretend that I'm fine
even when my life came crashing down


*FlowerV* Final Comments: This piece has a lot of potential. It has a captivating message, and only requires a bit of editing. I hope I haven't discouraged you. I would not have given a review if I didn't see the worth of this piece. I hope you keep at it to give it the impact it deserves.


I find it is through honest and thorough feedback that we grow as writers and my only goal is to help you do so. I hope that you find a home here at WDC. There are so many things to do that it can be a little overwhelming at first, but keep exploring. If you're interested in finding a friends that can help you find your way around come visit us at "Invalid Item"  We love to help you get motivated, challenge you to new heights, and help you make new friends. I'd love to hear from you

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
# by Not Available.


Image #1929286 over display limit. -?-

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
49
49
Review of Be still  
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
My review sig

Hi M.Ross

My name is Angels in my Ear and I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . I want to welcome you to WDC and thought I would give you some feedback on your work. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful.

*ButterflyB* Initial Impression: This piece is about the pain associated with break-ups and lost relationships.

*Idea* Theme and Creativity: This piece shows how love and hate are closely related and how quickly they can turn. This piece does feel as if it is more cathartic for the poet than written for the reader.

*Pencil* Technique: I had a hard time deciding if this was meant to be a traditional or free verse piece. It has the rhyme and in places meter of traditional poetry, but the lack of consistent format kept me guessing. It does not have an even cadence and rhythm. This makes the read a choppy. It means the reader is spending more time trying to get the rhythm than listening to content of the piece. So, although the content does come through, it doesn't have the power it is capable of. I think you need to decide which, (either form would work actually) and then go from there.


*Cut* Suggestions: If you'd like to keep to the ryhming traditional poetry, you need to remain consistent in a rhyming pattern. a,a,b,b. Make each stanza the same number of lines. You also need your syllable count to match your rhyming lines. (i.e. 123456 go, 123456 show.) For instance by making the following change, you can make a stronger piece and impact.

Hollow are the eyes that were once filled with life. (11 syllables)
But now all you see is pain, suffering and strife. (12)

Hollow are the eyes (5)
that were once filled with life. (6)
Now you all see is (5)
pain, suffering and strife. (6)

You now have a 4 line stanza with an a,b,c,b pattern with rhymes that match in meter. If you were to change each stanza to follow this pattern, your piece would be easier to follow as the reader can fall into the rhythm. You can also do a 3 line stanza, (a,b,b) like your first stanza.

However, free verse would work as well, but in the interest of brevity, I will not go into that formatting. If you are interested though in learning how you could do that format, please contact me and I'd love to help with that.

*FlowerV* Final Comments: This is a great start to a heartfelt poem. It has a lot of potential. I hope my comments are helpful and don't discourage you. Please keep at it to give it the impact it deserves. I'd love to read it again if you make any changes.

I find it is through honest and thorough feedback that we grow as writers and my only goal is to help you do so. I hope that you find a home here at WDC. There are so many things to do that it can be a little overwhelming at first, but keep exploring. If you're interested in finding a friends that can help you find your way around come visit us at "Invalid Item"  We love to help you get motivated, challenge you to new heights, and help you make new friends. I'd love to hear from you

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
# by Not Available.


Image #1929286 over display limit. -?-

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.



"Shadows and Light Poetry Contest" 

"Roots & Wings Contest" 
50
50
Review by Angels in my Ear
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
My review sig

Hi Riley Parker

My name is Angels in my Ear and I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . I want to welcome you to WDC and thought I would give you some feedback on your work. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful.

*ButterflyB* Initial Impression: This piece is about looking through life through a filter of depression.

*Idea* Theme and Creativity: I find this piece interesting, because although it is somewhat sad and depressing, the poet is almost apathetic about it. They know and they don't really care. From experience, that is depression. Grey.

*Pencil* Technique: While I find this piece has the lyrical quality of poetry, and is formatted well, it does not have an even cadence and rhythm. This makes the read a bit choppy. It means the reader is spending more time trying to get the rhythm than listening to content of the piece. So, although the content does come through, it doesn't have the power it is capable of.

*Cut* Suggestions: To correct this, try to match the rhyming lines by syllable count. (i.e. 123456 go, 123456 show.) So in this case, you have an a,b,a,c,a rhyme pattern.

So it is true what they say (7 Syllables)
Life is too short (4)
But yet I sit here in dismay (8)
Pondering thoughts, where’d the time go (8)
For we live in a world of gray. (8)


So it is true what they say (7)
Life is too short (4)
So I sit here in dismay (7)
Where’d the time go (4)
We live in a world of gray. (7)



The syllable count would change to a ,4,7,4,7 syllable pattern. This makes a steady beat, and rhythm for the reader to fall into, and they do not have to work as hard to keep pace.


*FlowerV* Final Comments: This is a great start to a beautiful poem. It has a lot of potential. I hope you keep at it to give it the impact it deserves.

I find it is through honest and thorough feedback that we grow as writers and my only goal is to help you do so. I hope that you find a home here at WDC. There are so many things to do that it can be a little overwhelming at first, but keep exploring. If you're interested in finding a friends that can help you find your way around come visit us at "Invalid Item"  We love to help you get motivated, challenge you to new heights, and help you make new friends. I'd love to hear from you

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
# by Not Available.


Image #1929286 over display limit. -?-

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.



"Shadows and Light Poetry Contest" 

"Roots & Wings Contest" 
150 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 6 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aundria_k/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2