Angels in my Ear's (aundria_k) Reviews

Angels in my Ear

Review Requests: ON

345 Public Reviews Given

348 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I enjoy reviewing and try to be as honest as possible. I look for specific things such as technical merit, flow and lyrical quality in poems, creativity, tone, and mood. Though I can be a tough critic, I strive to encourage writers to grow and challenge themselves. I feel that it is through constructive criticism that we grow as writers. I strive to give the writer feedback on the overall impact of the piece. I am the host and judge of the "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest"

and co-host of the "Roots & Wings Contest"

I'm good at...

I enjoy reviewing poetry, but free form is my favorite. I feel I have a good grasp of the flow and cadence of a piece and can offer helpful suggestions to make a poem flow well.

Favorite Genres

Historical Fiction, Suspense, Fantasy, Sci-fi, Romance

Least Favorite Genres

Erotica

Favorite Item Types

Poetry, Essays, Short Stories

Least Favorite Item Types

Books, Novels

I will not review...

Books, Novels, Chapters

76

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3981016

Review of Family Stitches

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hey ~Lifelessons~

Thanks for entering the "Invalid Item"

. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: OOOOh, I love the theme here. (Though, as you know I'm a bit biased there

) This pieces shows how heirlooms are not just trinkets but contain all the love that went into them.

Theme and Creativity: I like the thought that when keeping warm with an heirloom blanket, its not the blanket providing the warmth, but the love of our ancestors who made it. Great thought

Technique: For the most part, the flow and rhythm are good. However, you're weakest stanza is actually the beginning one. Although syllable counts match up, the meter is off. It needs to be consistent to make the flow work. DAH duh, DAH duh, DAH duh, DAH, duh.

Suggestions: For some reason, I feel like you need to take out the word "is" in the 2nd line. I think that because I had trouble with the meter in the first stanza, I was unable to catch the rhythm of the 2nd and 3rd. Upon reading it over again, I found they did have a good meter, but I just missed it. Perhaps making your lines a bit shorter they will be easier to follow. I'm not sure so you'll have to play with it a bit.

Final Comments: Very nice concept and theme here. It's also very relatable as many people have this very type of heirloom in their home, and may never have thought of how precious it truly is. This gives them some insight into the importance of family history and preserving our roots. Love it.

Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. These are just observations and suggestions. I would encourage you to keep working this piece instead of moving on to the next. Great poems require time and A LOT of editing and many people are not willing to do it. I hope you will and that you will please contact me if you need some feedback.

77

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3980641

Review of IDEAS

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hi SandraLynn Team Florent!

My name is Angels in my Ear and I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . I want to welcome you to WDC and thought I would give you some feedback on your work. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful

Initial Impression: This is a piece all writers can relate to. It shows the thoughts and jumble we all have in our heads.

Theme and Creativity: This theme, although common here at WDC, never seems to get old. You will find a piece about the writers process in almost every port here. Yet every writer has their own writing process and that makes for a very interesting read.

Technique: This piece has great rhymes that are unexpected at times making them fresh. However, it does not have an even cadence and rhythm. This makes the read a bit choppy. It means the reader is spending more time trying to get the rhythm than listening to content of the piece. So, although the content does come through, it doesn't have the power it is capable of.

Suggestions: To correct this, try to match the rhyming lines by syllable count. (i.e. 123456 go, 123456 show.) So in this case, you have an a,a,b,b,c,c etc. rhyme pattern. The syllable count would change to equal syllable patterns on the rhyming lines. This makes a steady beat, and rhythm for the reader to fall into, and they do not have to work as hard to keep pace.

The wildest ideas come, unbidden, at night (11 syllables)
When I'm trying to sleep, and I've turned off the light. (12)
What is an idea and where does it come from (11)
Is it a spark, a germ, or a seed, rattling ,my equilibrium? (13)

Because they are not quite the same they throw us off. Now, I HATE it when people re-write my pieces for me, so take this a simply a suggestion to just show what I mean.

The wildest ideas come, unbidden, at night (11 syllables)
When I'm trying to sleep, I've turned off the light. (11)
What is an idea, where does it come from (10)
Is it a spark or a germ, rattling equilibrium? (10)

(is rattling pronounced rat'ling or ratt el ing? This can change the meter and may throw of the rhythm a bit)

I would also suggest making some stanzas in this piece. It looks better visually and helps the reader digest the piece a little easier.

Final Comments: I hope I haven't deterred you in your quest for writing. I feel this piece does a great job at capturing the fleeting nature of a writer's thoughts and how we sometimes just can't catch them quickly enough. It shows how fickle a writer's muse can be and makes us question just where our muse lives anyway.

I find it is through honest and thorough feedback that we grow as writers and my only goal is to help you do so. I hope that you find a home here at WDC. There are so many things to do that it can be a little overwhelming at first, but keep exploring. If you're interested in finding a mentor that can work with you one on one, fill out this survey for the "Invalid Item" Mentoring Program. We'd love to get you motivated, challenge you to new heights, and help you make new friends. I'd love to hear from you !

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1965207 by Not Available.

"Invalid Item"

** Image ID #1929286 Unavailable **

78

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3960185

Review of The Tide of Time

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hello Lifeisbutadream

Thank you for entering the "Invalid Item"

. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This piece is about the fear of the unknown and the loss of control we sometimes feel in our lives.

Theme and Creativity: I like the comparison of life to the sea. It is used consistently throughout the piece making it more cohesive and the theme more impactful. The simile is truly apt and makes an impact.

Technique: This piece begins well and has a fairly consistent meter. But as it goes, we lose the rhythm and find ourselves having to concentrate more on trying to follow the pattern than getting the overall impact of the piece. Is this a traditional piece or a free verse piece? If it is traditional, try making each stanza the same number of lines and the rhyming words match syllabically. (for example: 123456 go, 123456 show)

Suggestions: To apply this concept, I will use your first stanza as an example. I hate it when reviewers re-write my piece for me so please excuse my hubris and feel free to use your own changes.

The tide of time has come(6)
And swept away my dreams (6)
Tragedy has struck (5)
Not everything is what it seems (8)

The tide of time has come (6)
And swept away my dreams (6)
Tragedy has struck me (6)
Life isn't what it seems (6)

In this example, you can see how the pace and rhythm of the piece flow a little better. It isn't necessary to keep every line the same syllable count, as long as the rhyming lines match. So you could do 6,8,6,8 etc.

Final Comments: I hope I haven't discouraged you. I only intend to help you with this piece as I see it has potential. Many of us feel washed away in a petulant tide. We feel we have no control over the whims of life on a makeshift raft. You did a great job portraying this. I hope you stick with it.

Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. I would encourage you to keep working this piece instead of moving on to the next. Great poems require time and A LOT of editing and many people are not willing to do it. I hope you will and that you will please contact me if you need some feedback.

** Image ID #1936832 Unavailable ** ** Image ID #1929286 Unavailable **

FORUM

Shadows and Light Poetry Contest

(E)
Do you love the challenge and creativity of free verse poetry? This contest is for you.
#1935693 by Choconut ~ House Targaryen

"Invalid Item"

79

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3953745

Review of Adventures In The Sandy Hills

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey kat

Thanks for entering the "Roots & Wings Contest"

. This contest is about writing and revealing the true character of your ancestors. To that end, my reviews will focus more on description and character development than overall writing skill. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: this piece is the story of a family that moved on a wing and a prayer to the west and how they adapted. It shows the hardships they encountered, and how they faced them.

What I liked: I really liked the portrayal of the children and the mischief they got into. In fact, I think I would title the piece "Peaches and Peanut Butter" it would not only entice the casual reader to click on it, but keep us on tenterhooks to find out what it could possibly mean. It is a tender story about sibling bonding and gives us a look at how at how children can find simple pleasures in even the hardest of conditions. We tend to think of our ancestors as old people. This helps us see that they weren't different than we are and makes them more relate able and interesting.

What to work on: There seems to be a distinct difference in tone between the first half of this piece compared to the second half. The first half reads more like a biography. While the facts are very interesting, they are stated rather than shown. However, once the story of the children began, we got much of this information without stating it. You showed us the terrain, whichever let's us know the difficulty they must have had in trying to farm, and you showed us the " bosses" storehouse showing us the vast difference in the classes.
I think you have enough information to create two stories here. The children's story, and the parents story. Perhaps you could write their story from the mother's POV to give us a little more insight into their personalities as well. How did they respond to their disappointments and hardships? We're they positive people or did life weigh them down?

Final Comments: I found the children's story to be much more fascinating than the beginning. While the background biographical info does set the stage, I don't think it is necessary. I would begin with the story and then stats the biographical info as an authors note at the end. It will read as fiction, and will delight the reader to find out these were real people, making the bio info more interesting and memorable. You did a great job with dialogue and storytelling and that's what this contest is about. Great job!

Please remember, these are just observations and suggestions. Feel free to edit and make changes as you find them needed. There is no prohibition on editing and you are free to re-enter an edited version in the next round for this contest. My aim to is to help you find the most relevant and entertaining way to record your family history. I hope this contest will encourage you to keep digging. There is a gold mine of people waiting for you to find them.

GROUP

Roots & Wings Group

(E)
A group for those with an interest in writing their memoirs or family history.
#1962411 by GeminiGem of House Lannister

"Roots & Wings Contest"

"Shadows and Light Poetry Contest"

80

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3946172

Review of Things My Father Told me

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hello S.L. Miller

My name is Angels in my Ear

. I found you piece. I want to welcome you to WDC and give you a review of your piece. I am reviewing your piece as a student in the "Invalid Item"

. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This is a beautiful and poignant piece devoted to the lessons of a father. It is bittersweet and loving, and has all the love of a child looking back in retrospect on the parenting she never knew she was getting.

Theme and Creativity: It is so important to keep a record of the legacy our families pass on. In this piece, you have paid a tribute to your father and given us an insight into who he was. This is the goal of my contest "Roots & Wings Contest"

. We rarely keep record of the small things and tend to only record big dates and events. I love that you have personalized him rather than making him just another name on your family tree. My favorite lines are at the beginning.

There are things my father told me, though he never said a word,
like always act with kindness, no matter what you've heard.

Technique: Your meter and rhyme seem to flow quite nicely. There is a rhythm that is easy to fall into although, because of the visual appearance of the piece, it may be harder for the reader to find.

Suggestions: To correct this, it is important to create a pattern in both stanza and line. I don't like it when people re-write my pieces for me, so I will show you what I mean using your own words.

There are things my father told me,
though he never said a word,
like always act with kindness,
no matter what you've heard.

In this example, you will see that your rhyming words match together visually and give the reader a better idea of how to pace your piece. You now have a quatrain stanza that has an a,b,c,b. (the "b"'s are the rhyming words). This pattern is actually already done in most of your piece, and all that you need to do, is re-organize it rather than re-write it, to accomplish this effect. You're mostly there already, so great job.

Final Comments: I love your use and repetition of "though he never said a word". Great example of how our parents are the most effective. It is through example rather than lectures that we learn the most from them. Very moving and heart-felt piece. I hope your father has read it, and that he treasures it for the love poem it truly is. Well Done!

Please remember, these are just observations and suggestions. Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. If you want to make those changes, please contact me again once they are complete, and I'd be happy to re-review and re-rate this piece for you. It has a lot of potential, and I'd love to see it reach it's full impact. I'd be happy to read it again.

FORUM

Roots & Wings Contest

(E)
Can you capture the essence of an ancestor in one story? CLOSED
#1962161 by GeminiGem of House Lannister

"Shadows and Light Poetry Contest"

81

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3942162

Review of Personal History Justification

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hey abcoachnz-Sometimes around

Thanks for entering the "Roots & Wings Contest"

. This contest is about writing and revealing the true character of your ancestors. To that end, my reviews will focus more on description and character development than overall writing skill. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This is a thoughtful essay about why recording your family history is so important.

What I liked: I liked that you asked specific questions about your own family, and gave yourself some interesting goals to strive for. It seems that the more you wrote, the more questions you found yourself to have. You also had some excellent points about why we should record our family history. Don't you wonder if they are up there saying "

I could have told you that!"

What to work on: While this essay had some great points, it did seem to wander a bit. I think that's because when you began, you had one idea in mind, and as you wrote, you had more and more ideas occur to you. If you were to edit it, it would be good to try and organize your ideas more clearly. I would also change the title. You want something that will pull us in. Perhaps "Africa, Why Africa?" or something to that end. It makes us go "What could that be about?"

Final Comments: This piece was very apt, and encompasses the exact reason this contest exists. You are correct that those with this information are disappearing, and as writers, who better to record it. I find that even when it is recorded, it is dry, and does not address the really important things. I don't want a summary of all the things that happened, or where you went. I want to know HOW they felt about them, and WHY they went where they did. We are the ones that can figure those things out the best, and make others care and want to know more. Great start. Now I want to know the answers to those questions. Can you find them? I hope so. I want to see them in future rounds.

(BTW, as a point of interest, my sister spent 18 months in Capetown and outlying areas, such as Namibia on her LDS mission. She even learned a little Afrikaans. I'm sure she would LOVE to hear what you come up with. See, it's not just family who may be interested. Now get to work!

)

Please remember, these are just observations and suggestions. Feel free to edit and make changes as you find them needed. There is no prohibition on editing for this contest. My aim to is to help you find the most relevant and entertaining way to record your family history. I hope this contest will encourage you to keep digging. There is a gold mine of people waiting for you to find them.

GROUP

Roots & Wings Group

(E)
A group for those with an interest in writing their memoirs or family history.
#1962411 by GeminiGem of House Lannister

"Roots & Wings Contest"

"Shadows and Light Poetry Contest"

82

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3941763

Review of Clara's Dollar

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey Sandy~HopeWhisperer

Thanks for entering the "Roots & Wings Contest"

. This contest is about writing and revealing the true character of your ancestors. To that end, my reviews will focus more on description and character development than overall writing skill. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This was a story about an unexpected windfall for a needy family. It was endearing and very well written.

What I liked: This piece was paced well and I found myself reading faster to see what was next. It was such a feel good piece, and I loved that we heard about each child and what they would get for Christmas. Through this, we get an idea about the personalities of the children even though we never "meet" them. The character development of Clara was well-done and very heart-warming.

What to work on: First, for some reason, I felt that Clara's husband was overbearing. I expected him to give her only a dollar but spend more himself. I also felt that she couldn't tell him because he would steal it from her rather than be happy. Upon reflection, there really is no basis for this impression, so I don't know where it came from. Perhaps you could add a few more positive comments about him. There aren't any negative really, but still....

I feel this piece should be longer. Maybe start the story on Christmas morning when both husband and children discover the windfall and then flashback on the story. I found myself wanting to know how they reacted. That would make the enormity of this windfall even more significant.

Was this based on a specific story or research, or is it strictly fiction? I found myself wanting to know more about this family, but since there was no reference, I was unsure if it was biographical or not. While this contest doesn't require it to be biographical, your piece was so engrossing, I wanted it to be.

Final Comments: I thoroughly enjoyed his piece. It was very well written, and the character development is so fun. You have done in few words what many can't do in more. We come away from this piece having learned so much without realizing we have. This is what we want to encourage in our biographical writing. Historical and biographical pieces don't have to mean "boring". This is a great example of how to do it right. Nice job.

Please remember, these are just observations and suggestions. Feel free to edit and make changes as you find them needed. There is no prohibition on editing for this contest. My aim to is to help you find the most relevant and entertaining way to record your family history. I hope this contest will encourage you to keep digging. There is a gold mine of people waiting for you to find them.

Image #1968475 over display limit. -?-

GROUP

Roots & Wings Group

(E)
A group for those with an interest in writing their memoirs or family history.
#1962411 by GeminiGem of House Lannister

"Roots & Wings Contest"

"Shadows and Light Poetry Contest"

83

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3941380

Review of The War is Over

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hey Quick-Quill

Thanks for entering the "Roots & Wings Contest"

. This contest is about writing and revealing the true character of your ancestors. To that end, my reviews will focus more on description and character development than overall writing skill. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This was a very interesting piece about the experience of setting out on a new adventure in what was then unsettled land. I'm sure many of us have seen movies or books about this subject, so we were easily able to picture it in our minds.

What I liked: I loved the dialogue between the characters and the description of them. You were able to add a lot of biographical information without simply stating it straight out. Those facts tend to be boring and disappear from a reader's mind quickly when they are just stated. My mother was born in.... we moved to.... we lived in.... Those things are just more interesting and memorable when they have some flavor to them. They are simply the background to what is really important. Not the facts, but the CHARACTER of these people. That's what I want my family to know about me when I go. I want them to know me for me and not for where I lived or the dates of my life events.

This piece is well paced and drew me in as a reader. I kept reading avidly and did not find my attention drifting. You were able to show a bit of the different characters with relative ease. The reader comes away from this piece having learned more about them without even knowing it. Great job.

What to work on: I like to get a better idea of the year. I know I said we don't want to state things out right though, so perhaps a newspaper being read or blowing by. Something to let us know. If we don't know when Kansas was settled we are at a bit of a loss. Perhaps a description of clothing could help too.

I was also waiting to see the story with the Indians. So were they friendly then? Did they ever pose a problem? Did they ever have friendly interactions with them? Why was the other family so quick to move? It was implied that it was their fear of Indians, but I wasn't sure. I feel there is more to the story here, and it could be expanded even more to address some of things. If you didn't come across any of these things in your research, you could perhaps create some fictional situations and show the way the characters may have reacted to them. You don't know the circumstances, but you do the person and that's the important thing here.

Final Comments: I love that this piece is more of a character sketch than a story. I am finding making a story out of the bare records is very difficult. If it is possible, that's awesome, but the most important thing to me is not putting a character in a story, but putting a story with the character. So that's backwards for most authors, but to me it's what makes this type of writing, (and contest) so unique. You did an awesome job of interpreting your research and this is a great example of how to boil down all the uninteresting facts into useable and fun information. GREAT JOB! I can't wait to see your next entry.

Please remember, these are just observations and suggestions. Feel free to edit and make changes as you find them needed. There is no prohibition on editing for this contest. My aim to is to help you find the most relevant and entertaining way to record your family history. I hope this contest will encourage you to keep digging. There is a gold mine of people waiting for you to find them.

Image #1968475 over display limit. -?-

GROUP

Roots & Wings Group

(E)
A group for those with an interest in writing their memoirs or family history.
#1962411 by GeminiGem of House Lannister

"Roots & Wings Contest"

"Shadows and Light Poetry Contest"

84

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3941336

Review of Me Uncle Packy's Wicker Sofa

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey Dave

.

Thanks for entering the "Roots & Wings Contest"

. This contest is about writing and revealing the true character of your ancestors. To that end, my reviews will focus more on description and character development than overall writing skill. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This piece shows the happy memories that can be invoked by a seemingly battered and bruised item that many would through away. It speaks of a loving friendship between the author and "Uncle Packy"

What I liked: This piece was so fun to read. I did find myself having to figure out the dialect a bit though. While it is difficult to write in dialect, I found in this case it added to the charm of the piece. It even gave a closer look at the personality of Uncle Packy by letting us "hear" him speak. I found myself wondering if everything he said was true, or if he may have been boasting a bit. The way it is written, you can see that the child believed it all, and only on reflection as an adult does it occur that perhaps he may have been "enhancing" his claims.

What to work on: I didn't see much I would change. Perhaps it would be fun to give us a longer intro into how you came upon the wicker sofa. Were you called to help move and clean the house? Was your aunt throwing it away? Did you find it in the attic? As is, while it still makes since, it seems to come out of nowhere. I'd love to see where this stream of memories originated and why.

Final Comments: What a fun piece. Although the specific memories are yours, they makes us look back to our own childhood. We start relating and laughing. I think we all had an "Uncle Packy" character somewhere in our past. This is a delightful way to remember such a colorful character, and I hope he is reading it too, and proud to be remembered so fondly. What a great way to help your children get to know someone they've never met. Well done!

Please remember, these are just observations and suggestions. Feel free to edit and make changes as you find them needed. There is no prohibition on editing for this contest. My aim to is to help you find the most relevant and entertaining way to record your family history. I hope this contest will encourage you to keep digging. There is a gold mine of people waiting for you to find them.

Image #1968475 over display limit. -?-

GROUP

Roots & Wings Group

(E)
A group for those with an interest in writing their memoirs or family history.
#1962411 by GeminiGem of House Lannister

"Roots & Wings Contest"

"Shadows and Light Poetry Contest"

85

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3939437

Review of Ind'n Grandpa

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

Hello turtlemoon-dohi

Thank you for entering the "Roots & Wings Contest" .I'm so glad you have joined this challenge.i strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This piece is a beautiful tribute to the memory of a grandfather and his legacy.

Character Development and Setting: This piece does a great job of giving us a look into the individual behind the name. It shows us his individuality, his love of his heritage, his love of family, and his legacy.

Technique: As for poetry technique, I did have a few flow issues. The format is done in a way that gives the reader the impression of a free verse piece, yet upon reading there is a pattern of rhyming that implies it should be read as a traditional poem. While free verse can have rhymes, they are usually more sporadic, and not patterned. Yet, there is a break in the pattern towards the end. So, I wasn't sure how to pace the piece while I was reading it, and had to read it again to get the full impact.

Suggestions: My only suggestions have to do with the poetry technique more than content. I think there needs to be a little more definition on format. If you want this to be a traditional rhyming piece, you should match the rhyming lines together by syllable count (123456 go 123456 show). This improves the flow and helps the reader find a rhythm to follow as they read it. They con focus more easily on the content.

If you want a free verse piece, I may suggest to break the lines differently to accent certain words that you want the reader to associate with your grandfather. The end words get more emphasis and will get a greater accent and attention from the reader. Those words are the ones the reader will remember long after reading your piece,

Final Comments: Although I did have comments on the poetry technique of this piece, this competition is less about the mechanics and more about the emotional impact and memories it evokes. It embodies the goal of this contest, which is to show us a person and not a timeline of life events or a life summary. I want to feel as if I know know something about them and who they were. This piece is a true tribute to him and is also a great record of the Indian values and their way of life. It shows us his pride in his history and family and is a beautiful memorial to him. Excellent job. I truly hope your family reads this and that you begin a project that will keep a record for your own children. Through your talent, they can know him too.

Please remember, these are just observations and suggestions. Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important.

Image #1946644 over display limit. -?-

GROUP

Roots & Wings Group

(E)
A group for those with an interest in writing their memoirs or family history.
#1962411 by GeminiGem of House Lannister

"Roots & Wings Contest"

"Shadows and Light Poetry Contest"

86

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3929139

Review of Bare

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi M.H. Stiles

My name is Angels in my Ear and I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . I want to welcome you to WDC and thought I would give you some feedback on your work. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression:This is a cathartic piece about why the poet writes, and how it makes her feel.

Theme and Creativity: While this is a common theme among writers, it never seems to get old for me. It is so interesting to see the way the process affects other writers, and to see the similarities and differences to my own thoughts.

Technique: While I find this piece has the lyrical quality of poetry, and is formatted well, it does not have an even cadence and rhythm. This makes the read a bit choppy. It means the reader is spending more time trying to get the rhythm than listening to content of the piece. So, although the content does come through, it doesn't have the power it is capable of.

Suggestions: To correct this, try to match the rhyming lines by syllable count. (i.e. 123456 go, 123456 show.) So in this case, you have an a,b,a,b rhyme pattern. The syllable count would change to a 6,5,6,5 syllable pattern. This makes a steady beat, and rhythm for the reader to fall into, and they do not have to work as hard to keep pace.

When a pen's in my hand, (6 syllables)
my words are then freed. (5)
As I convert them to ink, (7)
they boldly define me. (6)

If you change it to this, it reads more rhythmically

When a pen's in my hand, (6)
my words are then freed. (5)
I convert them to ink, (6)
And they define me. (5)

I think these changes can greatly enhance the impact of this powerful piece.

Final Comments: I truly love the message of this piece. Every writer, no matter their skill or education, can relate to this, and find themselves nodding in agreement. It touches our own muse, and voices our feelings with your words. Nice job.

Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. I find it is through honest and thorough feedback that we grow as writers, and my only goal is to help you do so. I hope you take the time to edit this piece, and work towards making it even better. Editing is an important part of writing, and is often not done in favor of writing a new piece. Please let me know if you make any changes. I'd love to read it again to see what you have done with it.

There are so many things to do that it can be a little overwhelming at first, but keep exploring. If you're interested in finding a mentor that can work with you one on one, fill out this survey for the "Invalid Item" Mentoring Program. We'd love to get you motivated, challenge you to new heights, and help you make new friends. I'd love to hear from you !

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#3920590

Review of Midnight in Suburbia

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hello Prosperous Snow celebrating

Thank you for entering the "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest"

. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This piece offers insight into the way the demands on caregivers affect them. It shows us how much they must sacrifice for a loved one.

Theme and Creativity: This is a universal topic that will resonate with a lot of people. It is unique in that it focuses on the negative feelings that can come from this monumental task. It gives the tone of weary resolve, and self sacrifice by giving us a just a glimpse into a quiet, private moment

Technique: This piece flows beautifully. The line breaks are strategically placed for maximum impact. Although there were a few places where a comma may help with the pacing, the breaks are well executed. I do think the word "caregiver" seems a bit too antiseptic in contrast to the lyrical tone and quality of the piece. It feels like a flat note in an otherwise perfect melody. However, it does not detract from the poem. This piece shows your understanding of free verse. While the words hold the emotion, it is the way the piece is read that gives it power.

Suggestions: While I truly enjoyed the piece, I felt a bit removed from it. I was looking through a window and making an observation. I felt the emotion of the piece, but felt sympathy rather than empathy. I think it would be interesting to write it from the caregivers POV. Instead of giving us a universal concept by using phrases such as "a loved one" or "a spouse or parent", it could give us a more up close and personal view. It may increase the depth of the emotional response when we experience the caregiver's sacrifice.

Final Comments: In our effort to show our appreciation and respect for caregivers, we continually reassure them that they serve a noble cause. We buoy them up with kind words and accolades on their selflessness. While that is all good, I find that by showing a darker, more negative aspect of the caregiver's mindset, you have given them a greater compliment. You have given them permission to feel sorrow and regret at their circumstances without having to feel guilty and selfish because of it. The selflessness of the act is the true burden. Well done.

Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. These are just observations and suggestions. I would encourage you to keep working this piece instead of moving on to the next. Great poems require time and A LOT of editing and many people are not willing to do it. I hope you will and that you will please contact me if you need some feedback.

Please do not edit your piece until after the contest is over. Any editing will disqualify you from the contest. It was a pleasure to read your work and I'm so glad you chose to enter this contest. I hope to see more of your work in future rounds.

GROUP

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#3916811

Review of (a domestic violence poem)

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hello Solivagus

Thank you for entering the "Invalid Item"

. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This is a sad piece about the effects of abuse, and also about how the love of a parent can be even stronger than self preservation.

Theme and Creativity: I like the theme of this piece. It is a subject that many don't write about, yet it is a rampart part of many lives. Therefore, many will find a common thread, and relate to it.

Technique: The meter and flow of this piece are well done. The rhyming words match together nicely because of the consistent meter. However, the fact that there is no punctuation is distracting. It makes the piece read like a run-on sentence. Therefore, there is no way to break up the thoughts and actions. Because of this, we tend to lose our way through the winding narrative. Although used as a poetic device, I feel this piece would be better without it.

Suggestions: I think if you were to break this piece into stanzas it would be easier to follow. If you don't want to add punctuation to the piece, it would be a good way of breaking it up for the reader. Right now, it is a block of text visually. Part of poetry lies in the visual appeal of the piece. It will also signal the reader that there should be a meter instead of trying to ascertain if it is free verse or traditional. Stanzas of 4 lines is a more traditional format, and I think it would appeal more to your average reader.

Final Comments: Sadly, there are many people who can relate to this piece. It can serve as a wake-up call to those who may be in this situation. Although it is a tragic piece, it creates an experience for the reader which is what good poetry should do.

Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. These are just observations and suggestions. I would encourage you to keep working this piece instead of moving on to the next. Great poems require time and A LOT of editing and many people are not willing to do it. I hope you will and that you will please contact me if you need some feedback.

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#1935693 by Choconut ~ House Targaryen

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#3916806

Review of Don't Worry, Young Man

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello Isola Bertolucci

Thank you for entering the "Invalid Item"

. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This piece is about reassuring a young man that life will start when it's time, and to stop looking for tomorrow and live for today.

Theme and Creativity: I like the theme of this piece. It is funny how we are so quick to want to get on with our adult life. I got married at 18. At the time, I thought I was ready but as I look back now, and look at my 17 yr old daughter, I can't believe how much I didn't know. (I am still married to him 21 yrs later though, so I guess maybe I was ready.) You approach this subject nicely.

.

Technique: The rhymes are good and do not feel forced. However, I had a hard time with the flow and meter of this piece. It was choppy in places, and it made it hard to concentrate on the words because I was stumbling over the rhythm.

Suggestions: To correct this, try to keep the accented syllables in a metrical pattern. Duh da, Duh da, Dah da, Duh da, / Duh da, Duh da, Dah da, Duh da. I see your syllable count is consistent, so now try to get a consistent meter. This is not necessary in free verse, but in rhyming, traditional poetry, it is a must.

Final Comments: This piece is very unique. I found myself not only relating to it, but also wanting my children to read it too. I relate to it in 2 separate ways. The fact that I do means that you are doing something right. Nice Job.

Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. These are just observations and suggestions. I would encourage you to keep working this piece instead of moving on to the next. Great poems require time and A LOT of editing and many people are not willing to do it. I hope you will and that you will please contact me if you need some feedback.

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Shadows and Light Poetry Contest

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#1935693 by Choconut ~ House Targaryen

"Invalid Item"

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#3916305

Review of The beard

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello tonibarri

Thank you for entering the "Invalid Item"

. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This a fun piece about the experiment of growing a beard.

Theme and Creativity: I love the creativity of this piece. It is a very unique subject, and I think that it will have a lot of people laughing at the way they relate to it.

Technique: The rhythm and meter of this piece is well done. When read aloud it is easy to follow and the rhymes match together well. I particularly like your last stanza. The rhymes are unexpected and clever.

Suggestions: The only thing I might change is the line I really am not sure. . It feels forced and like it only exists to make a rhyme. It doesn't add any content. It works I guess, but feels out of place next to the rest of your clever word choices.

Final Comments: This piece is so cute. I got married at 18, and my hubby has a baby face so he looked 16. I laughed because I watched this very process. So funny! Well done.

Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. These are just observations and suggestions. I would encourage you to keep working this piece instead of moving on to the next. Great poems require time and A LOT of editing and many people are not willing to do it. I hope you will and that you will please contact me if you need some feedback.

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Shadows and Light Poetry Contest

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#1935693 by Choconut ~ House Targaryen

"Invalid Item"

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#3905239

Review of To My Emily, With Love

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello Isola Bertolucci

Thank you for entering the "Invalid Item"

. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This is a touching piece about a mother's love.

Theme and Creativity: I like this piece. Probably because I relate to it. I, myself, have 4 girls, ( the youngest is 8 now) and this piece makes me remember well those first months. It calls to mind both the difficulty and joy of welcoming the challenge and the roller coaster ride of parenthood.

Technique: this piece has a natural flow and cadence. The rhyme and meter are consistent, making it easy to find the rhythm of the piece. This brings more attention to the content, and creates the music of poetry. The lyrical word choices help to enchant the reader, and create your world and emotions for them.

Suggestions: I would like to see more specifics. Your summary mentions that your baby was born very early, and aside from the opening line, there is no mention of it. Is there something about that fact that is germane to this piece? Do you want the reader to understand why those milestones are even more precious to you because of the miracle she survived? The piece is fine without that, but I think if you add a few lines with a little more specific references, this piece will be even more unique and powerful. We should be able to tell that this piece is about a premie without your summary. As is, that is almost necessary to get the full impact of your emotion.

Final Comments: I love that this piece is about the love affair between mother and her newborn. It is able to show how the challenge is huge, yet taken on with pride and joy. It gives the feeling that with each passing line, the love grows deeper. A poignant and touching piece. Good job!

Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. These are just observations and suggestions. I would encourage you to keep working this piece instead of moving on to the next. Great poems require time and A LOT of editing and many people are not willing to do it. I hope you will and that you will please contact me if you need some feedback.

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Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1949660 by Not Available.

"Shadows and Light Poetry Contest"

92

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#3905002

Review of The Widow

Review by Angels in my Ear

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello Vianna Quivin

Thank you for choosing me to review your piece. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This piece is about the way time affects us. It shows the thought process of a woman assessing her life through the mirror's reflection.

Theme and Creativity: This is a subject that many people will relate to. I just had my 39 the birthday and 21st wedding anniversary. Although not "old" in the traditional sense, I suddenly found myself thinking theses same thoughts. Age is relative, but time marches on and one day, you don't recognize yourself. You feel the same, but the mirror doesn't. This piece captures that inner turmoil nicely.

Technique: This piece flows fairly well, and has a natural rhythm and cadence. There are a few places where that rhythm breaks due to the inequity of line length.

These pearly whites have lost their glow resembling maize of yellow ears.
Who could have known the days would pass like rows and rows of years.

To correct this try matching the rhyming lines together by syllable. 123456 ears, 123456 years.

Suggestions: I believe this piece would work better both visually, and rhythmically if you break up your stanzas. You have a natural rhyming pattern of a,b,a,b so you should keep your stanzas in that pattern:

The widow’s peeking back at me
through silver streaking strands.
The crow has left his talon marks,
before my eyes he stands.

To near to see what shouldn’t be,
I feel with wrinkled hands.
Not sure whose staring back at me,
not sure just who I am.

This helps the reader catch and follow the rhythm of the piece, and keeps their focus on the content. In the last stanza your rhyming pattern changes from a,b,a,b to a,a,b,b. This also throws off the flow and interrupts the reader's focus. Try to keep your pattern consistent.

Final Comments: This is a nice piece about coming to terms with age. The poet sees the march of time in the mirror, yet is content with trade she has made. She feels that although time has taken some things from her, it has given even more. I like the tone and mood of this piece, and think it is a great way to come to terms with the aging body of the young at heart.

Please remember, these are just observations and suggestions. Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. Please feel free to contact me if you make any changes. I'd be happy to read it again.

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#3902120

Review of Hello, Butterfly!

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1950616 Unavailable **

Hi Riss Ryker

My name is Angels in my Ear

and I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item"

. I want to welcome you to WDC and thought I would give you some feedback on your work. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This piece is about the beauty of a butterfly. It is descriptive, and it's vivid imagery help us see the butterfly through the poet's eyes.

Theme and Creativity: Although at first glance it would seem this piece is only a descriptive poem about a butterfly, it has a deeper meaning. It tells us to stop and appreciate the beauty around us. It makes us think about what else we are taking for granted.

Technique: Your lyrical word choices, and imagery are well done. The piece flows fairly well, but does have some issues with format, both visually and technically. By making each line stand apart and alone, the reader gives each line equal weight. This makes the piece monotone, and does not give it the depth of emotion the poet is feeling. The reader can see the images, but does not feel the passion and emotion of the poet.

Suggestions: To correct this, try playing with the line breaks. In free verse, line breaks are crucial. The words at the end of each line get greater attention, and will stand out. By strategically placing them, you can change the way the reader absorbs and interprets your poem. For example:

A creature so lovely,
so delicate and new.
A living, stained glass window.

Because the reader takes a natural pause at the end of each line, they will stop and absorb each description individually instead of clumping them together as one description. It is also a good idea to group like ideas into stanzas. It is more visually appealing, and helps the reader follow your chain of thought. When all the lines stand alone, it lacks the ebb and flow of poetry, and the piece becomes less powerful.

Final Comments: You have done a great job of creating an image in the readers mind. Your grasp of imagery is great, and your lyrical word choices have the music of poetry. But, there can be more to this piece than just showing a picture. By changing your format, you can give the reader more to absorb, and make them think and not just see. My favorite poems are ones that have something to say, and not just show. Your piece can do both. Nice job. Keep writing.

Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. I find it is through honest and thorough feedback that we grow as writers and my only goal is to help you do so.

I hope that you find a home here at WDC. There are so many things to do that it can be a little overwhelming at first, but keep exploring. I have listed some links below that are places for you to find help and support. Please contact me if you have any questions. I would be happy to show you around.

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LINKS TO HELPFUL PEOPLE AND INFORMATION

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#1949660 by Not Available.

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CONTESTS

"Shadows and Light Poetry Contest"

"Invalid Item"

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#3901850

Review of split into three

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hello six feet under

Thank you for entering the "Invalid Item"

. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This piece defines our makeup as being three parts to make up the whole. Each piece, although they exist separately, is vital to be a whole person. It shows the way love has a great impact on all 3.

Theme and Creativity: I think your idea of 3 parts rather than the usual 2 is very unique. It gives this piece some dimension, and gives the reader food for thought. It is also a piece about love, but your approach is different than many love poems, giving it a bit of individuality.

Technique: This free verse piece has a few problems with flow and cadence. Your opening stanza starts well. The lines are short and concise. But in the second stanza, you break away from that format with longer lines. This is confusing, and your reader stumbles over the words as they try to catch the cadence of the poetry. This also makes your lines feel like they are rambling, making the content difficult to absorb. In free verse, line breaks are critical. They give the reader clues as to where to pause, stop and reflect, or read through. This can determine how the reader will hear and interpret your piece. Your breaks seem to be random, and serve no artistic purpose that I can see.

There are also grammatical issues such as use to rather than used to. These small errors can give the wrong impression, so make sure to edit closely.

Suggestions: This piece sounds a bit too conversational. Try to cut out unnecessary words to keep your piece pithy and on point. For example: And that feeling you get when... can be changed to simply that feeling when . There is no change in the meaning and it is cleaner.

I think you need to make some better word choices, and get rid of the conversational words like see, and even the line I don't although I used to . These words add no content, but greatly affect the mood and tone of the piece. This will help add poetry to your poem.

Final Comments: i think this is a great concept, and there is a lot of potential here. I would like to see a few more specifics about your personal experience than generalizations about love in general. This will help your piece make a lasting impression on your reader. It is a great start. Keep writing!.

Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. These are just observations and suggestions. I would encourage you to keep working this piece instead of moving on to the next. Great poems require time and A LOT of editing and many people are not willing to do it. I hope you will and that you will please contact me if you need some feedback.

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#1949660 by Not Available.

"Shadows and Light Poetry Contest"

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#3900846

Review of Mental Circus

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Thanks for your order at "Invalid Item"

Hello Revelry new writings soon

I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This is a haunting piece about the confusion and despair the death of a loved one creates.

Theme and Creativity: This piece is unique in that it shows not only the despair and sorrow death creates, but also gives a peek into the actual thought process. Sadness, questioning, anger, acceptance and resolve. All of these emotions are evident without the poet ever referencing or even being aware of them. Great job of 'showing' not 'telling' as we writers are wont to say.

Technique: This piece is written in a free verse style (which is my favorite). This style is suited to this subject because of it's lack of steady rhythm and meter. Grief is similar in that it ebbs and flows and follows no structure.

I wasn't sure about the word intro. I wasn't sure to what you were referencing. Intro into the poem? Intro into the world of sorrow? Also, because intro is an abbreviation of the word introduction, it seemed a little out of place. I also found the use of the word hey to be out of sync with the tone and poetic quality of the piece. You have such lyrical and musical words that it somehow pulled me out of your dark inner thoughts and felt kind of like a splash of water that took me out of your poetic trance. However, that is probably more of a personal preference, so take it or leave it.

Suggestions: I believe this piece is well done and works nicely. However, when I write free verse, sometimes I will play with the line breaks to see what effect different formats will have. If you changed your breaks and created shortened lines, it may change the pace of the piece. The shortened lines would cause us to put more emphasis on certain words and would also project your halted and scattered emotions. For instance:

Welcome, welcome, to my candlelight darkness
my “mirror, mirror” of insanity
where life is torn apart
and stitched together
again in a sick parody

This changes the way the reader absorbs the words can sometimes give them a stronger impact and emphasis. It can also change the way the reader interprets the piece, so it may not fit your artistic vision. But I think that by changing up the visual structure you may be able to create even stronger emotion and depth.

Final Comments: I really think this piece is well done. You have been able to give us the miasma and confusion that senseless deaths can have, and given a voice to many who have experienced this. Because poetry is so much shorter than prose, every word counts. It's those who can say a lot with only a little words that are truly gifted. Great job!

Please remember, these are just observations and suggestions. Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. Please feel free to contact me if you make any changes. I'd be happy to read it again.

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#1935693 by Choconut ~ House Targaryen

"The Gift Shop - CURRENTLY CLOSED"

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#3900451

Review of My Words, My Way

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello Meshellmybell

Thank you for entering the "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest"

. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This piece is about the process of writing and the catharsis the poet finds in writing it.

Theme and Creativity: Many writers write about this subject, yet surprisingly I never tire of reading about it. Perhaps it is because, as a fellow writer, I feel your pain

.

Technique: This piece starts out with a 12 syllable rhyming couplet that creates a rhythmic meter. Although the next line does not have the same syllabic count, the meter is still fairly even and the reader falls into the rhythm easily. However, the pattern breaks in a few places, causing the reader to falter. They have to re-read the line to get back into the pace of the piece. Because, there is a fairly steady meter and rhyming pattern, this piece has both structure and form and therefore, does not fall into the category of "free verse".

Suggestions: I would first suggest that you get rid of swear words. To me, they add a coarseness to your work, and detract from the lyrical quality poetry should have. I must admit that this is a matter of personal preference, and may not fit your intent. However, as a writer, I feel that swear words are words people use when they do not have the vocabulary to express themselves. I think writers should be able to avoid that trap, and can find other words that will have a better impact and will not alienate their readers.

Also, because you have done a fairly good job at meter, I would suggest that you try to match up your rhyming lines syllabically. i.e 123456 go, 123456 show. That will even out the beat and help the reader to focus more intently on your content instead of pacing.

Final Comments: This piece was interesting to me because it gives me an insight into your writing process. Since this process is so different and personal to each writer, it is a peek into how other writers work. I like how the poet expresses her joy of writing, and that she seems not to care if others like it or not. That is not her purpose, and her joy of writing for herself comes through. Very nice.

Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. These are just observations and suggestions. I would encourage you to keep working this piece instead of moving on to the next. Great poems require time and A LOT of editing and many people are not willing to do it. I hope you will and that you will please contact me if you need some feedback.

Please do not edit your piece until after the contest is over. Any editing will disqualify you from the contest. It was a pleasure to read your work and I'm so glad you chose to enter this contest. I hope to see more of your work in future rounds.

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#3900436

Review of Writing

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello Samberine Everose

Thank you for entering the "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest"

. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This piece is about the writer's compulsion and desire to write.

Theme and Creativity: This subject is something ever writer can relate to, and does a good job of expressing our obsession.

Technique: This a short piece and flows fairly well. It has visual appeal, and the language is lyrical and creates the music of poetry.

Suggestions: Although the poem works well as it is, I think you should experiment with different line breaks. By placing the breaks more strategically, you can put more emphasis on certain words and they become more powerful. Where the pauses come, and how long they are can change both the tone and meaning of your piece. For example, the line I feel the deepness of my thoughts, makes a stronger statement when it is reformatted.

I feel the deepness
of my thoughts,

This causes the reader to put more emphasis on the word deepness and in doing so the word takes on more significance. The blank space in the next line signals the reader to pause a moment before completing the thought. I do not intend to re-write your piece, but rather give you some ideas on how you can play with form. I think that this piece is great, but it would be fun to see what else you can do with it before settling on the final version.

Final Comments: I really like this piece, and as a writer I relate to it well. To me, it describes how I feel when the need to write consumes me, yet I don't know what to write about. The need is so deep, that the writer's block is almost painful. The fact that this piece spoke to me in this way tells me you did something right. Great job!

Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. These are just observations and suggestions. I would encourage you to keep working this piece instead of moving on to the next. Great poems require time and A LOT of editing and many people are not willing to do it. I hope you will and that you will please contact me if you need some feedback.

Please do not edit your piece until after the contest is over. Any editing will disqualify you from the contest. It was a pleasure to read your work and I'm so glad you chose to enter this contest. I hope to see more of your work in future rounds.

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98

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3900230

Review of Hope Fades

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hello SylphLuna

Thank you for entering the "Invalid Item"

. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This piece shows the longing for an unrequited love, and the havoc it can play with the soul.

Theme and Creativity: This is an oft written about subject, as it is so universal and yet personal to everyone. This piece is less about making a statement, and more about creating an experience for the reader to relate to.

Technique: I found the flow of this piece to be a bit choppy. The uniformity of syllable count in the opening lines created a steady rhythm. But the length of the 4th line caused a break in the rhythm and interrupted the flow of the piece. I found the line breaks created confusion in how to read this piece and I spent more time trying to make the lines flow together than on concentrating on the words. I was able to make it flow better upon subsequent readings however.

Suggestions: I found the use of the word doth to be distracting. This word is no longer used in common vernacular and feels like an attempt to sound poetic. This attracts attention to the writing, thus detracting from the content.

I would like to see more specifics and less explanations. Your lines tell us how you feel, but because they don't show it, they feel cliche' and unoriginal. For instance, how does your longing consume you? Perhaps a metaphor to a fire that licks at your limbs with its unrelenting hunger would give us a better insight into exactly the pain you mean. Pain and longing mean different things to different people, and are used so often that they don't express the true depth you want your reader to experience.

Final Comments: This piece creates a cathartic release for the poet, and shows the torment of his unrequited love. It is a very nice piece and has a lot more to say. I believe that with a few different word choices and poetic devices, this piece could create the same catharsis for the reader as well.

Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. These are just observations and suggestions. I would encourage you to keep working this piece instead of moving on to the next. Great poems require time and A LOT of editing and many people are not willing to do it. I hope you will and that you will please contact me if you need some feedback.

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FORUM

Shadows and Light Poetry Contest

(E)
Do you love the challenge and creativity of free verse poetry? This contest is for you.
#1935693 by Choconut ~ House Targaryen

99

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3900215

Review of The gardener`s prayer.

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello tonibarri

Thank you for entering the "Invalid Item"

. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This is a light-hearted fun piece about the plight of gardeners everywhere.

Theme and Creativity: I think this very creative and unique, and it although it has a target audience, it can still be appreciated universally.

Technique: This piece flowed very well and had a good rhythm. You did a good job matching the rhyming couplets by syllabic count, making the rhythm easy to fall into. The only stutter I had was in the 3rd stanza because the first couplet had a longer syllabic count and a longer line. For a moment it threw me off, but it was easily corrected and I fell back into the pace of the piece.

Suggestions: I enjoyed this piece, but had a problem with one of your rhymes. The line I ask your help and if you would, / I promise to always be good. felt kind of out of place and extraneous. The rhyme feels forced and cliche'. Because this line adds no real content to the piece, I would cut it or find a more specific prayer. If you would what? But since you have already written an entire poem on what you want, there is no need for this couplet to be included at all.

Final Comments: I think this piece is very clever. It feels like something you would find on a bookmark or cross-stitch. Or even a card. I think it would be a great gift to that gardener in anyone's life. I think my mother, and my sister, (who happens to be a landscape architect) would greatly enjoy this piece. It is a fun read. Great job!

Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. These are just observations and suggestions.

Image #1936832 over display limit. -?- % Image #1939409 over display limit. -?-

FORUM

Shadows and Light Poetry Contest

(E)
Do you love the challenge and creativity of free verse poetry? This contest is for you.
#1935693 by Choconut ~ House Targaryen

100

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3890099

Review of Love Not Sympathy

Review by Angels in my Ear

In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello Yellow Rose

Thank you for entering the "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest"

. I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.

Initial Impression: This is the story and legacy of an seemingly unimportant man.

Theme and Creativity: I love the theme that love and sympathy are not the same and how living and viewing life with love can impact not only your own but many other lives as well.

Technique: I really enjoyed your imagery and descriptions. This piece did not have the classic feel of poetry, and while it is free verse, I found it seemed to read more like prose. While the settings and details are well done, they are not necessary to the message of the piece, whereas in short stories, they are vital.

Suggestions: This would actually be a really good subject for a short story and has a lot of potential to truly create a well rounded and well written character.

Final Comments: I liked your way of understating the message here. You do not sermonize, but show the impact such a small life can have making us want to follow this example. Not because we should, but because we want to. Very Nice.

Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. These are just observations and suggestions. Please do not edit your piece until after the contest is over. Any editing will disqualify you from the contest. It was a pleasure to read your work and I'm so glad you chose to enter this contest. I hope to see more of your work in future rounds.

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