Hello The Hand  
Thank you for choosing me to review your piece. I am happy to do so but please keep in mind that although poetry and lyrics are very similar, they are not interchangeable. Poetry has the goal of creating an experience for the reader that they can then interpret. While songs have that goal to some extent as well, they tend to have a more direct message with only 1 intended interpretation. (But, of course there are exceptions.) The element of musical beat and rhythm gives the piece its form and structure and emphasizes the important words. In poetry, the reader must determine where to pause, breathe, speed up or slow down the pace of the read and which words to emphasise. There are clues like punctuation, meter, and rhyme, but in music, that is already present and does not ask the listener to work as hard to hear the message. Rhymes that may not match up rhythmically in poetry seem to match well in a song because of the interluding music that can fill the few beats that would otherwise be filled with words. I'm sorry, perhaps I'm getting way to technical here. My point is that my crictique will be based on my knowledge of written poetry, so it is only meant as a review of the words. You are free to disregard any of my insights as they may not pertain to the musical quality you are going for. But I will say that while many consider music to have a lot of poetry, many wonderful songs are actually bad poetry. It is nice to find a song that is both musical and poetic. But they are hard to find.
I strive to give honest reviews and I hope you find this review helpful. The following is merely my impressions of your writing. Please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.
 Initial Impression: I like the theme of this piece and the poignant way it shows the realities of many of the inner-city kids that have lost so many and so much.
 Theme and Creativity: This theme seems to be present in many pieces, but it isn't the actual subject. It is more of an outlying background setting for the song. I like that you have addressed it head on. It's so sad that it is has become such a reality that it is accepted as easily as we accept the ineveitablity of nightfall. It isn't a possibility to some, but an eventuality. Many people become hardened to it so that it doesn't hurt and are unwilling to admit how difficult it is. This piece is interesting because you are able to show the pain of and of loss and the huge problem it has become. By using such a conversational and distant tone and the slang of the street, the poignancy and true impact of this problem are loudly stated by understating them.
 Technique: Here is where poetry and lyrics can be tricky because of the differences between them so I'll try my best. It is all a big block of text and each line is different. This makes it harder for the reader or listener to connect. It seems to say the same thing about everyone meaning there is a lot of repetition about the non-important words. Your don't want your listener to come away with the words "Say hey" in their heads. That isn't the point of the piece, but because of the repetition, this is what they will hear. How can you change the message to the ghosts of your loved ones to make them more individualized and truly bring home the depth of your individual relationship to each of them? It will humanize them instead of being just a name and show the true sorrow of your loss.
Also, I'd like to see verses and a chorus, (although, I admit, this is your song and may not be a format that needs them). The purpose of a chorus is to remind the listener of the overall theme and to help it stick in their heads. It will give a more coheasive element to your piece and make it a stronger song and better poetry as well.
 Suggestions: I know that using all the names of the people you have lost brings home the sheer size of your loss. But after the first 5 or 6, the names become less impactful and start feeling like just another number on your huge list. They will also make it difficult for your listener to be able to memorize and sing it to themselves without hearing it, which is what you want. You want them to get it stuck in their heads. I would cut back on the use of their actual names and focus on how you knew them. Saying "my 5 friends from school" is stronger because it shows a relationship to them and humanizes them. If we know how you knew them instead of their names we relate better. We didn't know Delane, or Phooie so we don't feel the impact of their loss on you. I know it does remove your intent to memorialize and acknowledge them, but it also makes them just another name in a long list, and we lose track of after a while.
 Final Comments: This piece has potential. You have done a lot of things right. You don't have to say "look how bad this is and what is happening." By not stating it outright, you let the reader come to that conclusion themselves. This makes a stronger impression on the reader because they do not feel like they are being preached to or that you are saying "woe is me" It is just a statement of fact without asking for sympathy. It is a common refrain among the literary community to say "show don't tell". This is what you have done and is a classic example of why. You have a good start, but it has more to say if you want to really make it unique.
Please remember, these are just observations and suggestions. Poetry is very personal and subjective and as the poet, your vision and intent is most important. I hope that you will consider these comments in your revisions and that you will be able to find a way to be both poetic and musical. I find it can be difficult to mix these two seemingly similar, yet different forms of expression. It isn't as easy as it seems. It just that most people don't know the difference. I hope you are not discouraged as my intent is to help you become one of those that can do both. And you are on your way. Please feel free to contact me if you make any changes. I'd be happy to read it again.
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and co-host of the "Roots & Wings Contest" 
| (3.5)
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throughout the piece. The word choices were lyrical, and the flow even continued the metaphor for me upon reading aloud. The ebb and flow of it resembled the in and out rhythm of a needle sewing through fabric. It has a content, positive tone, and I like that it does what good poetry should. It tells us something true. 
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