|I am still fairly new to reviewing, but I hope some of this is still useful for you, and if not you ultimately know best, as the author of the piece.
- I think the opening could use a little revising. I found it a little confusing and I felt like it did not hook me enough. The story did not really hooked me until the paragraph that began with "When the doors to the club opened…" Perhaps you could start from there and describe the rest of the opening as back story as your book moves along?
- Overall I think the chapter lacks clarity. I found myself having to reread some things because I didn't really understand them the first time around. I think a simple re-read can easily point out some of these places since the confusion sometimes comes from a mistyped word, or the like.
- All of that being said, when the chapter picked up a little bit I did find it really interesting. Once I realized they were in a strip club I enjoyed the situation of a 60 years old aunt and her twenty something nieces together at a strip club.
- I think the closing of the chapter was its strongest part. It ended in a cliff hanger which makes the reader want to read the next one.
I do not feel comfortable critiquing the grammar since I am honestly terrible at it myself. Overall however, other than a few confusing bits I thought this story has a lot of potential!