Hi Lesley. I absolutely loved this story even though it was sad. Your style of writing has changed since I first started reading your work. You write different when you are emotionally involved, it's like you care so much more about your subjects, and it shows. There are also a lot less mistakes. There are several throughout this piece but nothing that hinders the story line. A extra space between two words, a forgotten comma. Simple stuff you can easily fix. This piece is way to long for me to try and find any mistakes. You will have to read it again out loud to find them. Good writing is all about the fine tuning. Eliminating unnecessary words, changing some wording.
In your last paragraph, I almost cried but I kept it in. I could feel your loss. However I think it would sound and flow better if you tweak it a little. I have made a suggestion below. Remember it is just a suggestion.
I stood up and played fetch with my foxes until I stopped shedding useless (tears. It) took a long (time. I fact) I still cry when I think of Billy.
These could be one sentence each:
I stood up and played fetch with my foxes, until I stopped shedding useless tears.
It took a long time, yet I still cry whenever I think of Billy.
I am so glad you asked me to read this, and look for mistakes. I really enjoyed this. I think it is my favorite so far.
Hi Lesley, I can tell that you put a lot of effort and emotion into this story, maybe even more than the others that I read. My heart goes out to you. I also had to put one of my many beloved pets down. I was very surprised to read that your dog suffered from Cushing's Disease. Although it is a common disease it isn't one of the better known diseases. I ought too know.
When I was 19 years old I suffered from Cushing's Disease. It is a rare hormonal disorder that occurs when a benign tumor on the Pituitary gland, just below the brain, produces excessive amounts of a hormone called (adrenocorticotropic hormone)or better known as ACTH. The ACTH travels through the blood to the Adrenal Glands and signals them to produce an excessive amount of an important steroid called cortisol. When the level of cortisol is too high (hypercortisolism) for too long, it can lead to many different symptoms.
Normal levels of cortisol supports the body's ability to fight infection and aides in metabolism.
Cushings can cause:
Neurological disorders- psychiatric, cognitive and sleep disturbances.
Metabolic complications-Such as obesity, buffalo hump, moon face, and impaired glucose intolerance/diabetes.
Musculoskeletal complications-Proximal myopathy, fatigue and osteoporosis.
Sexual of reproductive complications- Decreased libido,
amenorrhea, of erectile dysfunction.
I did not know all this when I was sick, but I researched it not too long ago. Your dog was very sick, I know all too well. I had to have my right adrenal gland removed and the lower portion of my right lung. Many people with Cushings need special treatment their whole life. Thankfully my doctors were spot on with my treatment. I was Cushings free immediately after the surgery. It did take many months for my body and hormones to to battle their way back to normalcy. I can empathize with You and Buster. Ginger
Hi Lesley, Just finished reading your incredible adventure with the snake. It was quite gripping once I got past the first two paragraphs. They both need work. I made a few suggestions. I hope you don't mind. The rest of the story though, not flawless, was well done. Give it another read and you will see what I mean. I always enjoy your stories and wish my life was more interesting. I love animals. When I was a kid I had a rooster that used to ride on the handlebars of my bicycle. Below are a few suggestions I made for your first two paragraphs, I hope you can understand wrote I wrote. Ginger
First line first paragraph (road in1971 and in)Needs a space after the n and a comma after the 1.
First line second paragraph(The setters encountered)Typo- settlers
(landed in (the) wooden ship,) Use their instead of the."The (Adventurerer.) one too many (er's)
(Today(,)Needs a comma after today.over three hundred years later, the native animals insert of or in front of South South Carolina live in large fenced areas of an acre or habitats.) eliminate the word habitats or rewrite the sentence. habitat. Ex: live in a large fenced in habitat of one acre or more.
(The tourists were told about what the settlers found in the dense (forest.The)needs a space animals were what a settler saw as he hunted for his dinner.) Combine these two sentences.
The tourists were informed about the type of animals the settlers saw while hunting in the dense forest.
This is very, very cute. I like poetry that rhymes and I like writing Children's poetry too. This poem flowed smoothly, rhymed perfectly and was enjoyable to read. Ginger
My daughter loved snakes ever since she caught a garden snake on her paper route. When she grew up she had 3. A Bald Python, A Reticulating Python and a Burmese Python. One of them was 15 feet long. I don't know which one it was. I know nothing about snakes. She kept it in a large glass tank in her living room. They fed it once a month. They cleaned the tank by placing a divider down the middle of the tank. They cleaned half the tank at a time, when they cleaned depended upon which side of the tank the snake was on. I watched it eat a fully grown, huge rabbit once. It struck lightning quick and immediately coiled around it. I watched in utter fascination but I would rather have kept the bunny. I could cuddle with the bunny but not the snake. Your story brought back these memories, thank you for that. My daughter eventually gave the snakes back to where she bought them. Her mother-in-law refused to visit. It's amazing how terrified some people are around snakes. Great story. Ginger
Hi Hunter, Just finished reading Grandma's Pantry. The story line was enchanting. I do enjoy short stories in Dialog. I wish I knew how to can. I was a city girl growing up. No one to teach me. A pity, I missed so much. The ending was perfect. Ginger
Hi Leslie, It's me again. Took your advice and read Gator In The Road. Some really exciting stuff I would probably have been Junior's take-out meal for the remainder of his journey. The content was great. Just a few mistakes that I noticed. You wrote:Buster my Boykin was snored. Easy fix. Also spell check would have caught this you spelled the word: (equipted) it is equipped. I didn't notice anything else wrong but I wanted to finish reading. If you really like to read about animals read
Simon and Jake (E) Katrina found people unprepared, the 4 legged animals also suffered. This is their story. #1110345 by super sleuth
It about two animals struggling to survive Katrina. Keep a box of tissues nearby. Ginger
This leaves me speechless. My daughter's mother-in-law had Alzheimer's and has now passed away. I can tell through your writing of this poem that you are a very loving and caring person. your mother was lucky to have you for a daughter. It is very well written, flows smoothly, and although it is sad, there is still that glimmer of light that keeps it enjoyable to read. Ginger
Hi Leslie, Just returning the favor. You reviewed one of my creations so I decided to return the review. I was glad I did. I live in an RV Park in Florida called Blueberry Hill. It is surrounded by a retention pond which is home to many aquatic animals, including alligators, and turtles. The back of my RV is less than ten feet from the water. There is no fence separating me from the wildlife. My grandson once hooked an alligator while fishing behind my RV. Although I have great respect for these creatures and am not as brave as you, I still enjoy watching them. I have a small Chihuahua named Allie-Gator. Once I saw the content of your portfolio I definitely had to read something. For someone as tiny as you you sure are brave. I wouldn't have the guts to do what you do. I would probably tire long before the alligator. I found your writings informative and entertaining. Glad I stopped by. Ginger
Hi Whitmore, My Name is Ginger. I am not very good at punctuation but let's give this a try. Remember this is only my opinion. Take it or leave it. I noticed you like to use run on sentences.(they're too long) It makes it difficult for the reader to feel the action or emotions you are trying to get across. For instance. Your very first sentence should be two sentences.
(I woke up hastily, aroused by the sound of a thunderous muffler, as I lay shaking and trapped, unable to move, my arms pinned to my sides as I coughed in thick darkness.)
I woke up hastily, aroused by the sound of a thunderous muffler. I lay there shaking, trapped, unable to move my arms that were pinned to my sides.
This way you emphasize the terror you feel. It makes the reader feel it too.
(as I coughed in thick darkness) It doesn't fit.
(I felt a sensation of wetness on the left side of my head.) My finger tips were scratching against what felt like a carpet. Terrified, I continued to try and squirm my way out of the fibrous tomb.
I'm not too fond of this first sentence. Its a head wound it should worry her a lot. Build on it. She's confused. Give it its own paragraph. Make her question her sanity. Is this a dream, nightmare she'll wake up from.
Next paragraph she should be trying to figure out where she is. Why can't I move? The air is stifling, can't breath, need air. She's choking on dust kicked up by the tires of the truck. Show her terror, don't just say she's terrified.
I really like the this story, it just needs more emotion, and fine tuning. Sometimes less is more. Shorter sentences.
Later on in the story when they toss her in the water you do a lot better in showing her strengths and emotions. She's a fighter and wants revenge. You go girl. You do however continue on with run on sentences. When they are too long it gets confusing.
Remember, these are only my opinions. My first story I ever wrote on WdC was torn apart from top to bottom by W D Wilcox. I was devastated. I wanted to cry. I thought it was a masterpiece. But I made corrections, tweaked here and there. Took his advice about my writing style. One of the most important things about writing is to read your work out loud. It is easier to find errors if you listen to how it flows. Really listen to where the words start and stop, where you need to take a breath. It will help you eliminate those run on sentences. I wrote a story about a dog and a cat caught in the wake of Katrina. Every time I read it I cry. Every single time. Visit my port. Read Simon and Jake. If you ever want to talk about your work, you know where to find me. Don't give up the ship. Sail on to write your masterpiece. It's worth the RUSH. Ginger
This was really cute. You have a warped sense of humor. When I write, there is a dictionary right next to me too. For some reason spell check will red line a word and I don't know why so I look it up and there it is in bold print. Example: hearted, now what is wrong with this spelling? It is in the dictionary as a form of the word heart. Does it need the prefixes of kind, broken etc? Oh well. I like Clive Cussler's, his Dirk Pitt novels are my favorite. I too read a big assortment of books. So glad your works are being published. Write on. Ginger
I know how you feel I lost three dogs and after the last I said no more. It was two years before I finally gave in and went and got a Chihuahua from the shelter. A few years later my husband passed away. I don't know how I would have survived without my Allie-Gator. I live in Florida, hence the name. Very well written and funny. Ginger
Cats sure are crafty. My daughter has two cats. Kiki acts like a princess, very graceful, delicate, demanding when hungry. Poe Edgar Allen is totally opposite. He is big, brawny, knows how to beg, and is so nosy he is always in your face. When company comes Kiki hides, while Poe ambushes. He also is a mitten paw and has five toes plus an extra large thumb on his two front paws. Sorry for your loss. Our pets are dear to us, and give unconditional love. I can tell your poem is heart felt, and it is well written. Ginger.
I think this is a fabulously sweet poem. I like how you ask a question between each stanza. Even though you changed the line sequences near the end of the poem I feel it gives it more character and does not hinder the flow of the piece.
It is enjoyable to see how Daisey's outlook and attitude changes from the beginning to the end. Write on. Ginger
You write so well and paint a very vivid picture. There is a great deal of feelings expressed in this story and felt by this reader. Congratulations on writing such a sad yet wonderful piece. As a grand parent, I can only hope my children remember me with such fondness. Ginger
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