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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/babchia7/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/3
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268 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
How in the world did Aunt Dee manage to capture the groundhog and put it into a cage. I thought it was illegal to capture wild animals and try to domesticate them. They might be diseased. The story was still great fun to read. I got a great chuckle out of the last line. Ginger
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Review of Blind Cheap Dates  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nice story with just the right amount of humor. My favorite sentence:

Sure, there was a little bit of drama between me and the other cashiers from time to time, but no eggs were ever broken and everyone clocked out intact at the end of the day.

Ginger
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53
Review of So It Goes  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What a disappointing ending. To witness a crime and not do anything about it is a crime in itself. No wonder she is an athiest. She doesn't care about anything, not even herself. Although I was disappointed in the ending the story was still well written. Ginger
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Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Glad you enjoyed the trip Dottie. It was fun introducing you to all your first experiences of camping. Hope to see you next year at our next family outing. Ginger

I did notice one small mistake, I think you meant to say (guilt).
Actually, I felt a little (quilt) about liking the taste.
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Review of The Cello  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Creativity is a healthy release for a failed romance.
Great story. Lots of nice descriptive phrasing. I did notice that there was a spelling mistake. You might want to spell check again.
Distill has two l's.

She would start a cat collection, grow bristles on her chin, let her blood (distil) to vinegar.

I don't think (esophagus) starts with an (o)
Her voice caught in her (oesophagus),
Ginger
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56
Review of An Experiment  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

This surprised me, and the ending made me laugh.

I did, however, notice a small omit in the sentence below. Insert the word (to) between impossible and disregard.

When she solved it, the editors of “Scientific American” would find it impossible( )disregard her.

Ginger
57
57
Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Bill, A great story line and an interesting ending.

In the sentence below I think you can leave out (in pieces}. This sentence could probably be condensed it reads awkward as it is.
The stairway lay just before her, curving around and up toward the second floor; the banister lay broken (in pieces) along its steps, as if it had been broken or chopped into crude, irregular pieces.

This next sentence is my favorite. I love the description of the webs.
Cobwebs hung thick in every corner as if generations of spiders had made their homes here, one upon the other, until the webs extended out toward the center of the room like delicate lace sheets blowing gently in the breeze.

Ginger
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58
Review by super sleuth
Rated: E | (4.5)
A truly heart warming story which shows that the men don't know everything.

Might I make a few suggestions?
The sentence below seems a little too wordy and can be shortened to flow better. Also the second (night) is unnecessary.

My husband played football at the time for the Buffalo Bills, and the Bills’ wives enjoyed a night out every Tuesday (night) to play Bridge or whatever we decided might be fun.(/b}

Also this last sentence seemed a bit of a let down. I would have preferred it to be omitted. The line before this was fine as an ending or maybe end with something more mystical.

(b)And the Bills and their wives and all their children lived happily ever after.(/b)

Ginger Go Bills!
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Review of Crash Landing  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
What a great story. Something good coming from something so tragic. I did notice a couple of minor mistakes, but nothing important enough to take away from the great story line.

We hurtled through its (lumbs). I think you meant (limbs)

"Looks like we're gonna (to) be here a while,"
Eliminate the word (to).

Ginger
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60
Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Bill, What a great story, with a great lesson. If people could only be happy with who they are and what they have, there would be fewer divorces and a lot less problems. Speaking of problems, there is one in your last paragraph.

I am a wretch, a miscreant, a miserable creature that is scorned by all that see (him).

Shouldn't the word (him) be (me)?

Have a great day. Ginger
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61
Review of Intent  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Bill, Another great story, Glad to see Jax got what he deserved, but I hate to see anyone injure their eyes. Finding his way back in the dark, without the use of his eyes will be his big challenge. Looking forward to reading more of your work. Ginger
62
62
Review by super sleuth
Rated: E | (4.5)
An unusual poem which reads like one long run on sentence. Even though I like the poem I have trouble with the fact that there is only one period. Might I humbly suggest you put a period after breath and start
the next line with a capital.
could be for us while we draw breath(,)
if I were the painting Picasso made

It is only a suggestion. Ginger
63
63
Review of Grandad's Toolbox  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What a great sentimental story. I have one problem with it though. Brian went to the basement to get a cooler. He left with the toolbox and no cooler. I can understand why but, Earlier you said the toolbox was three feet by one and a half foot tall. You don't tuck an object that big under your arm and charge up the stairs. It would be too big, awkward and probably too heavy to do so, especially if it were full of tools. Might I suggest you decrease the size of the box.
Ginger
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64
Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a very beautiful poem for being done in an hour using word prompts. If you are unhappy with it and feel something is missing then add another verse or smooth out what you have already done. There is one very noticable mistake. (BY the waterfall) The (y) doesn't need to be capitalized. Keep writing, you did pretty good.
65
65
Review of The Delivery  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I can empathize with Jonathon. As an oldster in the making I too like my things around me, and don't like strangers touching my stuff either. You asked for some constructive overhaul, so here it goes.

In the sentence below change (any stranger) to(and strangers) in the other( ) put the word (the)

She didn't understand that he needed his things around him; (any stranger) wouldn't have( )proper respect for them.

In the paragraph below you have him opening the door twice. Also how can he open the door if he is leaning on it?
Reaching his destination, Jonathon opened the fridge and with a shaking, bony hand, withdrew another beer, the generic kind he used to despise. He leaned against the fridge door to open it and take a long deep drink, and as he lowered it he began to rasp again and was forced to set the beer on the grimy floor to wipe his mouth.


Maybe you could say:
Jonathan leaned against the fridge, and with a shaking, bony hand, opened the door and withdrew a beer, the generic kind he used to despise. After taking a long deep drink, he began to rasp. He lowered the beer and placed it on the cluttered table, and proceeded to wipe his mouth with the back of his grimy sleve.

Now the events follow a logical procession.

Also I changed him putting the beer on the floor to putting it on the table. If he is old, sick and feeble it would be difficult for him to bend down that low and then get up again. I know it is difficult for me with my arthritis, and I will only be sixty in the next couple of months. I also have him wiping his mouth on his sleve, he must wipe it on something maybe you can give him something else to wipe his mouth on.

In the next sentence (faces) need not be capitalized
Seemingly kind (Faces) turned ugly

I would combine the next two sentences. A sentence should have a noun and a verb. (But enough) doesn't have either. I would also add the word (did sell.) after enough.

Not much sold at the auction, he'd been told, when it all went up on the block. But enough.

I like the last two lines but it doesn't really seem to fit quite right. You said that he was popular but you don't mention why or what was so special about this lonely old man. He probably outlived most of his friends and fans. Why would he need a nurse or a cleaning lady if he had any family that visited. He wouldn't mind family touching his things. You need to tell more about this man to get the reader to even like him or want to know more about him or even feel something for him. Those last two lines seemed to be put there for the soul purpose of ending the story. There is a lot of potential in this story. You should unfold the mystery about this man it would make it more interesting to read. I hope I didn't overstep my bounds but you asked for a constructive overhaul. The descriptions of his dreams is nicely done but you don't tell why he is having this recurring dream. what happened to him in his past that is causing them. There has got to be something more to this man than meets the eye. I hope I have helped in some small way. Ginger
66
66
Review of The Dance  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: E | (4.0)
In your poem you are rhyming lines 1&2, 3&4
in th first stanza in lines 3&4 (signs and good-byes)
do not rhyme.
Closed eyes can’t see the signs…
Of less hellos and more good-byes.

Maybe you can say:

With closed eyes, I hear the sighs...
Of less hellos and more good-byes.

Use sighs instead of signs.

In the third verse none of the lines rhyme. You may want to change one of the first two lines. I can't think of anything myself but maybe you can.

She’s more his dream than he being (hers)
She needs time for wounds to turn to (scars,)


In the next two lines, maybe you can separate the first line after (chance.) Then leave the last line an entity all it's own for emphasis.

(b)He’ll cherish the (chance) for just one (dance)
And leave their future to hands of (fate…)

Ex.
He'll cherish the chance
for just one dance.

And leave their future to the hands of fate....

I'm no pro, so this is just some advice. Have a great day and enjoy your creativity. Ginger
67
67
Review of Alone  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Throughout the poem you rhymed lines 1&3, 2&4 but in these two stansas you only rhymed lines 2&4,
(curse & man) do not rhyme neither does (there & man).
Possible other choices:

She'd left him (there) - (She'd left and ran)
hurt to the bone
desperate (man)
heart open and prone

She'd cast a (curse)
scorched his soul
Third degree (burns) - (Made it worse)
she'd lost control

Poor guy I feel sorry for him. Keep writing. Ginger
68
68
Review by super sleuth
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A very interesting story which left me wanting to read more. However there are several spelling mistakes that are easily corrected. If you use the spell check you will find them easy enough. Most of thest mistakes, I am sure are typos. Since I am a lousy typist I am very familiar with hitting the wrong keys. Spell check is my best friend. Below are a few typos I picked out'

We got out of the Ayson walked( p)(I'm sure you meant up) the cement path

She nodded (ad)-(as) we stepped inside her practice.

She lead us into a side room and to a tall bookcase where she pulled (apaperback)(a space is needed after the first letter a) from a shelf.

I nodded and went inside the (hpuse)(I do this all the time the o and p are next to each other on the keyboard)

This next sentence is different. No need to say jars of dead insects in jars. One jar is more than enough if you catch my drift. I hate insects in or out of jars.

Around him were scattered books and (jars of dead insects in jars.)

The next is obviously a slip of the finger. I do it ttoo. OOPS. Keep up the story telling I hope to read more of Pickles.
"And (ccoffee), while we're at it?"

Write on. Ginger
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Review by super sleuth
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Definately a frightening story. Good character development with a good beginning middle and end. I only found one little mistake that is easily corrected.

“No way,” I whispered back, brushing her hand away without taking my eyes (off of screen.)

Eliminate the word (of) and change it to (the).

Ginger
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Review by super sleuth
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I like the way the story came full circle, first with him causing her accident and then with her causing his. The story moved along nicely and did not drag. The dialog felt a little chopy but it still seemed to get the idea across and kept the sinister feel of the story. The chopiness of the dialog added to his sense of unreality. Great story. Ginger
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Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A very ingenious storyline. I wonder if the man even knows what the dragon on his back is capable of doing since the absorption happens while he is asleep. Does he even realize that his tattoo alters with each encounter?
Hmm? The infinite possibilities and storylines that can develop as a result of this plot. This would make a great book in the style of Stephen King, with an investigator searching for missing victims. Ginger
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Review by super sleuth
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
You have an excellent way of describing things. I liked the story and look forward to reading the continuation.

I did find one small mistake in the sentence below.

The forms floated down from their lofty perches (and) towards her. Eliminate the word (and)otherwise it is a great story.
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Review of The Crystal Ball  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wonderful character development of this young eight year old with hopeful anticipation of being adopted aided by his magical crystal ball. Even after feeling his crystal ball let him down, he still had enough compassion to comfort and protect another lonely spirit. What a touching story this young boy told to everyone. My own children should be so kind. You did a wonderful job in portraying his wants and needs and proved in the end that he did not lie about how he described himself. Ginger
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Review of The Tire Swing  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Any story that makes me cry is a great story. This one definately made me cry. Beautifully written. Lots of emotional attachment and feelings. Just enough drama leading up to a happy ending. I expected him to have a heart attack but not the Accident with the jack until it was mentioned that there was something wrong with it. Great job in describing the accident and how you lead up to the phone call which saved his life. Ginger
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Review of Night Terrors  
Review by super sleuth
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I am not great at grammar or punctuation. I didn't notice any major mistakes. I liked the story. A little repetitive in seeing the monster but that is what the story is about. The ending leaves me wanting. It seems to have been ended just to get it over with. What happened to the daughter or the other driver? I feel something is missing in getting rid of the monster. Just saying your not real has been done many times before and didn't work then and it doesn't work now. The monster almost caused him to lose his daughter's life and his own life. Doesn't he even care about his daughter? I just can't seem to connect with the characters. Maybe that is what your story is lacking. Maybe your story is lacking the human factor.
Your descriptions of the monster and how the main character senses it is very well done. Ginger
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