I liked the theme of your poem and how it was presented. What you lack in punctuation you made up for in content. Might I make a few suggestions.
" Do you take dog meat?
Ask'd an urban girl...........
To a girl from an unknown region,
Shrouded in mystery;
Yes! answered she............
We take snakes too."
"Do you take dog meat?"
Asked an urban girl,
To a girl from an unknown region
Shrouded in mystery.
"Yes!" answered she,
"We take snakes too."
When someone is speaking, only what they actually say is between the quotation marks. I don't think all those periods are necessary. Three is OK in the middle of a stanza and only four at the end. The same goes for the rest of your poem. Hope I have helped a little. Keep up the writing, you have an interesting brain. ginger
Very funny story. Been there done that. I broke my hand. Went to the hosp. Only one person ahead of me got in to see the dr. right away. He said I'll write you a prescription for the pain and for me to see a bone specialist ASAP. Two hours later I was still waiting for the prescription. It was four hours before I got back home. You told the story well and the description of what to do while you wait was funny. Ginger
You peaked my interest in redoing my bio-block. I haven't thought about it for awhile. It probably could use some updating. I also read everyone's bio-block before I read their work.
Now down to business. I did notice one small mistake in the following sentence. The word in ( ) should be (should) and not (shoulder).
However, lend me just a few minutes of your time, and maybe I can demonstrate to you why you (shoulder) consider completing yours.
This is a beautiful poem and I would have given you a five star except for a few things I noticed.
In the sentences below you started with using the words (one's soul) and then continued in the next sentence saying they are your eyes. The eyes are the mirror to one’s soul
Look deeply into them and you’ll see I can’t let go
Throughout the poem you seem to drift. I feel you should either stick to talking about your eyes or eyes in general throughout the poem but not both.
Also in the next sentence there is a typo. Like a beautiful melody, (they) eyes reveal true love I think you meant (the)
I won't comment on punctuation because that is my weakest link.
I find this poem beautiful and it has a wonderful flow and is easy to read. Thanks for sharing. Ginger
A very well written story that you managed to bring full circle, beginning and ending with the ants. Just as Jamie and the Russian battled over the gold the ants battled over the food. Each time only one walked away the victor. Well done. I did notice one mistake that was probably just an oversite.
Soon it felt as if (he) tendons were going to snap,
Hi khalish,
A lovely poem, I like it because it rhymes. I adore poetry that rhymes.
My favorite lines are:
As a storm rages inside my mind,
The outer not going to stop,
The memories pound on my heart like
The rain pounding on the rooftop.
I am however having trouble with the flow of the following:
Though time has flown (yet) those moments are
Etched forever in my heart. <(this has only 7 not 8)
It doesn't fit your 9 8 9 8 format
Maybe you can say:
Though time has flown by me, those moments
Are etched forever in my heart.
A lovely poem but there are a few areas that could use some fine tuning.
Till I got to look (him)
Into (his) eyes.
Either say: Till I got to look him in the eyes or Till I got to look into his eyes.
Again in the following sentence: You would think
I would start understand
His despair.
Either say: You would think
I would start to understand
His despair.
Or say:
You would think
I would start understanding
His despair.
Also the last sentence seems as if you threw it in as an after thought. I know it had to be part of the poem but it doesn't really seem to fit there. Move it up further into the poem. Your imagery is good but the lion seems so sad.
Here are my favorite lines. Into his eyes.
Fluid gold,
Eager with hunger,
Bored with despair.
Hey great poem. Perfection is a figment of the imagination or in this case our dreams. I wouldn't mind being perfect in my dreams but even my dreams aren't perfect. LOL I have a question about your poem. Why did you change the rhyming scheme in the second stanza? In the first and third stanza you rhymed lines 2&4 in the second stanza you rhymed lines 1&4
Throughout my days
I make mistakes.
But only in my dreams
do I have perfect ways.
Is it a mistake on purpose or an oversite. If it is an oversite just switch lines 1&2 then the rhyming scheme will be balanced. Ginger
Hi Dottie, Just thought I'd stop by for a port raid it's been awhile. Since I remember Coney Island I decided to read about your adventure. I never knew that there was a tornado there. I remember the boardwalk.
I did notice a few minor mistakes.
(Then) we turned around to go back (when) we noticed that the sky had darkened.
When we turned around to go back, we noticed that the sky had darkened. This reads a little better. When we got to the main boardwalk, the sand was flying everywhere and it stung our (skins).
There is no need for an (s) at the end of the word skin. Your unexpected adventure sounded scary. Hope I never have to go through it. Ginger
Relationships can be difficult and confusing. This also left me confused. Maybe you can break it into several paragraphs and separate the different ideas and thoughts into groups. Here are a few mistakes I noticed.
Yes, this is but my only option to defeat the pain and suffering that this love will cause, yet I am (steady) avoiding doing exactly that.
I think you need to use the word (steadily) I'm not sure now, nor am I sure (Id) like to stick around and find out. (I'd)
At first I thought you were writing about an illness but toward the middle I realizes it was an illness of the heart. Write on. You have the knowledge and
and skill just needs some fine tuning. Ginger
This was a good story although a little sad.
In the sentences below you split them up into two paragraphs. I feel that they need to be part of the same paragraph or even the same sentence. Otherwise a nice read. Ginger
His eyes seemed to be the only thing left of his past...of his remembering...
Of his twin brother who had the same deep hazelnut eyes. But he was gone and so was Benny.
This was a very touching emotional story. You did a wonderful job writing this. Halfway through I started to cry. Any story that causes a strong emotional response from me (crying) gets my vote. This is the first story I have read tonight where I felt any kind of emotional attachment to the characters. Write on. Ginger
In the first two paragraphs where he talks about fear you start his speach with quotation marks but you do not end them with quotation marks.
I have trouble understanding the relationship between these two people. If he loves her so much why doesn't he do something about it to win her love in return. Two passive people DO NOT a relationship make. Where is the fire and romance. You would think they were brother and sister. He needs to stir the embers to get a flame going. You write very well, but if I was laying in bed with this man I wouldn't want to listen to a disertation on his fear, anger and insecurities. I would want to hear how he liked the way my eyes sparkle in the sunlight or how he feels when I smile at him. How my hair smells like a garden after a summer rain.
Also what is he so naive about and what is he overlooking? Anyone can say I Love You. Showing it is something else. She seems like a selfish cold fish and he hasn't a clue how to please her.
In your description you wrote:Trying to capture the quiet desperation of unrequited love. This makes no sense to me. Why would you want to capture a "quiet desperation of unrequited love?" Trying to recapture the passion of a lost love, sounds more like it should be.
My husband uses the words I LOVE YOU infrequently but he shows me how much he loves me many times a day. We hold hands walking down the street or he kisses me hello and good-by. If I say I like something he'll buy it for me without me asking for it. I am not talking about diamonds but little things. He makes me feel loved even when I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner by giving me a hug or a kiss for no reason. Today he drove a half hour to my job just to have lunch with me.
Her passivity also has me puzzled, what has he done or not done for her, to deserve her indifference?.
I like the concept of your story, there are many people out there that fall into this category. They just exist in a relationship that is going nowhere. When love is one sided it can have dire consequenses.
I would have been moved more by your story if instead of his long speach, he spoke about their past, how they met, when he first fell in love with her. He should have stirred her memory of how things used to be between them when they were first in love, if he really wanted to win her love back. Keep writing you have good ideas.
What an awful thing for children to witness. Your story is nicely told but might I suggest a few modifications.
In the sentence below I think you meant to use the word (still instead of stay.) and a comma after around
Tracie was finally able to stand up, she looked around (stay) laying on the ground was her twin brother Camron
In the next sentence (Josh's house)
Even though it wasn’t (Joshes houses) he took the lead, after all he was the eldest.
A few weeks later the twins were placed in foster care, they didn’t care as long as they (staid)-- together.
Camron walked in his (sisters room)--(sister's room) while she was sleeping,
In the next sentence I think you got a little confused. If it is Tracie and Camron's house and their parents, shouldn't Camron have yelled and not Josh.
“Nooo, dad don‘t hurt her!” Josh screamed seeing his mother on her knees with a gun to her head, held by his father.
Your story has good bones but it just needs a little Chiropractic adjustment. Keep writing and welcome to WDC. Ginger
This poem is very cute but the meter is off in several places. There are also several unnecessary words that slow down the flow of the poem. Also, you have kept the rhyming scheme very well except in the last two lines. (Say and cat) do not rhyme.
Those great big green eyes glared up at me as if to say
Don't look at me like that after all I am just a cat
Maybe you could have said:
Great big green eyes stared as he sat
Don't look at me glaring for I'm just a cat.
In poetry sometimes less is more. Less words more meaning.
I love the poem. This cat is very mischevious. I used to have two and they were always getting into trouble.
Since this is the first poem you ever wrote you may not want to edit it because it is special to you, But if you should decide to do so remember you can say the same things in fewer words.
I turned to the creature sitting in the corner with great regal poise
the one who made that loud chaotic noise
You could say for ex:
Sitting there in the corner with great regal poise
Sat the creature who made that loud chaotic noise
With the exception of the first paragraph the rest of the story reads well. That last sentence kind of grossed me out. What kind of sicko takes revenge on an innocent child. I don't remember seeing any name given to the girl with the grotesque face. Ginger
As an ex foster parent, and also having had two of my grand children taken away from their parents because of some ignorant doctor, I am familiar with both sides of the coin. My husband and I had to fight for custody to get them out of foster care and back into the family. Happily my two grandchildren were returned to their parents. It took them a whole year to get them back. Did the State apoligize? Not on your life they didn't. Unfortunately, the separation scarred my oldest grandson emotionally. Where once there was a close bond between him and his parents, there is now a gap that neither can bridge. He blames them for giving him away. Now seven years later he still gets uncontrollable outbursts and tries to hurt them and his siblings. At other times he is the same sweet lovable child he was before this injustice.
Your story touched me deeply.
Now back to my review. In the sentence below change
(Now to No) No scary man. (Now) way. Not allowed.
You also might want to elaborate on who scary man is.
I too am a chicken lover. I like to play with them while they are still considered chicks and eat them once they become full-blown plump chickens. I like them breaded and fried, boiled, stewed, in sauce, with dumplings and in a salad. My sister and I used to have two Roosters as pets, they followed us everywhere. They even rode on the handlebars of our bicycles as we road down the street. They were great fun until one day they came up missing. My sister and I were very sad about it. Two days later we all enjoyed a meal of fried chicken and rice, it was delicious. We never did find out what happened to our roosters. I wonder what could have happened to them? Hmmmmm?
Well enough about me, back to your review. Might I make a few suggestions?
Omit the words (in), unless downtown is a specific name of a place if so then capitalize downtown. Also in the last sentence it would sound better if you inserted the word (you). The organization’s headquarters are (in) downtown. It’s an eighty-story building, the tallest building (in) downtown. If you go inside the building you’ll see signs everywhere like, “leave the chickens alone”, “You can’t eat me if I don’t want ( ) to”,
In the sentence below insert the word (been).
The company has ( ) very successful over the past couple of years.
How in the world did Aunt Dee manage to capture the groundhog and put it into a cage. I thought it was illegal to capture wild animals and try to domesticate them. They might be diseased. The story was still great fun to read. I got a great chuckle out of the last line. Ginger
Nice story with just the right amount of humor. My favorite sentence:
Sure, there was a little bit of drama between me and the other cashiers from time to time, but no eggs were ever broken and everyone clocked out intact at the end of the day.
What a disappointing ending. To witness a crime and not do anything about it is a crime in itself. No wonder she is an athiest. She doesn't care about anything, not even herself. Although I was disappointed in the ending the story was still well written. Ginger
Glad you enjoyed the trip Dottie. It was fun introducing you to all your first experiences of camping. Hope to see you next year at our next family outing. Ginger
I did notice one small mistake, I think you meant to say (guilt).
Actually, I felt a little (quilt) about liking the taste.
Creativity is a healthy release for a failed romance.
Great story. Lots of nice descriptive phrasing. I did notice that there was a spelling mistake. You might want to spell check again.
Distill has two l's.
She would start a cat collection, grow bristles on her chin, let her blood (distil) to vinegar.
I don't think (esophagus) starts with an (o) Her voice caught in her (oesophagus),
Ginger
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