So beautiful and sad. Rhyme fantastic flow, the soft detail in the heart felt phrases well thought out and compelling, believable, reassuring...I do love this poem. Can see no fault in it, you are a wonderful writer with much to offer. Well done! Enjoy these gift points.
That is just beautiful "Miss Candy." Love it, love it, love it!" Insight into your life and the friendship between a little neighbour. What a great tradition!
I am sending you 50 gift points.
Beautiful, fantastic phrases...I love the alliteration you used of "S" Shedding Shackles...
The whole poem is powerful, you deserve clear rating.
Oh good luck in the competition. From another competitor.
So sad, yet so descriptive and the sense of pain you feel/felt can be shared through this. So powerfully written for such s personal topic and also you have an art of not just saying how you feel but painting it by words, that is why I've given you clear rating. Pop into my portfolio sometime eh? There is a wide range of all types of cool stuff. Well better go. I've sending you some gift points to show you how great I think your work is!
Fantastic poem. I've given you clear rating because of the honesty, feeling and descriptive words that you've put into it. Keep writing because many people will be touched by what you write. Especially any body who has ever lost or feel that they are losing those they love.
I like this! Every bit of it. it's charming, emotional and has an old fashion swagger to it. I love the way you put it together and the way you gave your feelings a true character that stood on it's own. "Like a beast it burst forth." Such great use of words to create a powerful imagery. Such a pleasure to read your work Maskedman.
By Unicornstar
Thank you for sharing such an inspiring piece! You would make your mother proud. No suggestions for improvement just that there was one teeny tiny spelling error. I noticed you meant to put the word where but instead put were in it's place.
E.g. "Where our era ends." That's OK it can be fixed when you edit or spell check.
Write on,
Barb (Unicornstar)
Hello, Good job for having the courage to write such a deep poem with painful emotions. It seems as though you may have written it when you were in a great rush to get it down. When you read over it carefully you may find some ways of changing words slightly to improve the impact you are trying to achieve at the end. It is really good to get your feelings out there on paper, A really good release not to boil it up inside but if you are writing for the public then you may need to write it a few times and read it out loud to see if it sounds the way you intend it to. Example check this line: Wait for the ur little brother...Ur is better left out here. Just little errors like that. it is handy also to limit use of abbreviations of words. However we all improve with time and reading other people's work helps. Anyhow I'm by no means a famous writer just someone trying to help you out.
Keep writing on.
Barbxx
I love this poem. It gives one the sense of warmth and it flows well and has a beautiful use of suitable words like warm of a steaming cup and the comfort of a kitten's purr. It creates a sleepy mood and illustrates wonderful images that one can relate to. Well done and keep writing!
This is good. Very descriptive for an idea and draft. I see that this has potential and can be developed into something very interesting. I see a story, Or short piece, maybe depicting what happened prior to this terrifying incident. Well done. Keep writing.
xx. Barb. ( Unicornstar)
What a beautiful and simple way to describe Jesus love for his children. I love this part of the bible too and I particularly admire the way you were able to put yourself back in Jesus' times to show how we can all relate to the bible message that Jesus sees little ones as important too. Well done.
Wow, what an amazing letter to read. This seemed to be a well thought out and descriptive piece which puts you right in the place and time of the character. Words used create images and clear pictures in the mind of the reader and leave you with a sense of wanting to find out more.
Instantly you had my attention, with the first word because there is a hasty start that gets you in straight away. It made me feel as though the letter written by the Vampire was of great urgency because it started simply with the intended reader's name.
I was particularly taken by the word plum which was used to describe the smallness of the way he felt, the uselessness of his situation.
I'm new to this site and this is only the second piece that I have read but you've given me the intrigue to want to read further.
Well done
Barb
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