My Thoughts
Hi Newbie.... found your item through the "read a newbie" link. Welcome to WDC>
This is obviously a very personal poem. I commend you on taking the time and effort to share. Your pain shows through in what you write, but also you compassion and forgiveness as well. I'm always leery of reading and reviewing such a personal piece but hope that you find the following suggestions helpful.
Suggestions
I would have rated your piece higher and am willing to come back and do so, if you do make any edits. I think what one has to be careful of when writing such a short piece is that errors can really stand out - whether these be typos or grammatical. I spotted the following:
" . . . for not not calling" - I think the second "not" is unnecessary.
" . . . you need not say your sorry." - your should be you're
" . . . Alway's with me; the goose bump's are profuse" - remove the apostrophes in both "alway's" and "bump's" These words are plural and not possessive.
One last thing I wondered about was your use of the word "buttox" ... is this intentional? I wonder as I see you used "yer" instead of "your" and as such, can only believe you are adding your own personal drawl or intonation to the word.
Other than that, I would change the "P.s" in that last line to all capital letters or all lowercase letters.
Summary
I like your poem. It is simple yet powerful. I think what strikes me and what works in the poem is the repetition of the phrase "I forgive you."
Dropped by your port for a long overdue review. Apologies for the delay.
This is a very sweet poem.
There were a few times whether the rhythm was a little bit awkward, but nothing that distracted me from enjoying reading. The rhyme pattern works pretty well too.
I like the way the last verse is like starting the whole poem all over again.
One small correction - in the second verse you use "bussom" and I think you might mean "bosom."
Okay.. my feedback on this piece. Please remember that these are my opinions, my thoughts, and you may either take them into account or cast them aside as you see fit.
As an overall observation... I found the writing a bit choppy. Looking at the description of the piece, I see that it is meant as a childrens' story... what age are you aiming this piece at?
I think this is an important bit of information that you might want to include in the short summary... as I see childrens' writing being very different based on the age.
If this is meant for a much younger group, then the short sentence may be appropriate. However, I found the structure to be fairly repetitive. If you take a look many sentences being with "the" "he" "it" ... etc. Can you vary this up a little more?
There are a few typos - "the" instead of "they." You may want to re-read the piece to double check for these simple errors.
The story seems incomplete. Is this the first chapter of something more to be developed?
A little tweaking here and there and this story would be worth of a higher rating from me. If you do make changes, please be sure to let me know so I can come back, re-read and re-rate.
If I was a kid, I would be wanting to find out what happens after the battle. Please write more!
My Thoughts
Hello frances. Found your item while cruising the "Read a Newbie" page. Welcome aboard to the most friendly writing community on the Internet. I see by your userinfo that you just established your account today - you have been very busy! Way to go!!
This poem, which is very short, is obviously written with a lot of emotion. I can only surmise by the topic that it is a poem that has come about due to personal experience. If this is so, and even if it is not, all I can say is that my heart is saddened to know that one could be hurt so bad as to want to erect a wall around it to protect it from further pain.
My Favorite Line . . .
"I've built a wall around my heart to hide whats inside"
I could relate to this line in a significant way and I am certain that many people here on WDC can. It made me think back to the many times I have been hurt and my instinctive reaction to protect myself.
Suggestions
A few suggestions . . .
Check your spelling. There are a number of errors in the poem that while they don't take away from the raw emotion contained therein, do unintentionally, grab the reader's attention.
For example, your first line:
"Everyday I know morw about how you destroyed me" morw = more
Two errors which spellcheck won't find: "an mentally" an = and
"whats inside" whats = what's (equivalent of 'what is')
I do not know if you are aware of the tools available to writers on WDC (Writing.Com) but there is a spellchecker. After you have written an item, if you go into your port and look at the item you have written, if you look you should see a series of little links including things like "view" "edit" etc... near the right end of those links is an option "Spellcheck" - great feature! I use it all the time myself.
Another suggestion, although minor, is more of a "looks" thing - the second line of your poem is not capitalized while all the rest are. I do not know if this was intentional or not, but thought I would point it out.
Last but not least... check the word "entrust" out - I think you probably need to use the word "trust" or say "entrust my heart with someone without ... "
Summary
Great start. Your poem is short but loaded with emotion. I'd absolutely love to come and re-read it after you've tweaked it a little. I know that sometimes in the frenzy to get it all out, the typing can happen faster than our eyes can keep up to. I look forward to reading more of you work. Keep up the good work!
Write On!
As always, if you do make any major changes, please let me know so I can re-read and re-rate.
A Simple Review Just For You
Dropped by and found this little piece of prose. I like it... it's bright, peppy, and had a very light feel to it as I read it.
My favorite verse is the last one - I had never really thought about snowflakes ending up in a Snowman's tummy.
I think that most children would delight in hearing this poem. It's simplicity makes it a perfect read for them in addition to the rather unique take you have on what we adults normally don't give a second thought to.
People's driving habits drive me wiggy! Your piece is an awesome take that touches on one of the real peeves I have about driving. Unique and full of really neat similes. I think you invite the reader to stretch their imagination the next time they look at the talked about item in your story (Sorry, don't want to give it away.)
I also enjoyed your title as it seemed so appropriate to what you were saying without giving it all away - a real teaser. It snagged me to come in and take a look.
I really love the way your have given life to the object of your story - incredible.
My favorite line: "They cover me as moss does a great oak, a constant reminder that I am not welcome, that I am not wanted."
Great imagery!!!
Thanks for a very interesting and unique read. It was a treat to have found it and a real pleasure to read.
I think it is quite obvious that you have put a whole lot of thought into writing this piece. Relationships that must end because they are hurtful - a painful and emotional experience. A difficult decision to make and even harder to stand by.
I had to infer a few things from your essay, but I suppose I finally decided that this was to a parent or a sibling. At least that is what I thought. I suppose in the long run it does not really matter who it is to. I think what you were trying to express came through loud and clear.
As I read, I felt the pain and sorrow that your words expressed. I also sensed the regret that you talked about.
An incredibly moving piece.
Suggestions
The only thing I would like to see would be an end note giving an indication of who is the subject of this piece. It would have helped me a little to know this.
Summary
As I said: a powerful piece. I think you have conveyed a lot of feelings in this piece. I also felt that you had put an awful lot of thought to this. I can only imagine that writing it must have been extremely difficult too. Thank you so much for sharing.
My Thoughts
Dropped by for an interesting read. I think you have written a piece which challenges people to think about why writing is important, and what inspires us to write.
I will admit that I had some difficulty reading your essay. Some of the sentences were very long and complicated. I suspect that I will need to read the essay several more times before I completely understand what you are saying. However, this lack of understanding on my part does not take away from the quality and importance of the questions that you have posed. It just means I need to think about it some more!
Suggestions
I would love to see the essay split into a couple more paragraphs. I think that this would allow the reader to read and follow the arguments more completely.
One thing I noticed was that you used the word "Thus" in your essay, particularly in the first paragraph (5, I think.) I would suggest using some different words to convey the same meaning - eg. Therefore, as a result, consequently.
" . . . tangible presence but lives in the very lifes we lead and . . . " "lifes" should be "lives." I know that this may look awkward due to the use of the word "lives" earlier, but the two words do read differently.
" . . . This leads us back to the front of this paragraph; Has the changes in writing suit the need for writing which is not restrictive ? " A few observations for this sentence. Of course, I could be wrong so be sure to see what others say. I believe that "Has" should be "have" - this matches up with 'changes' (plural); Also, remove the capital from "Has." I also think that "suit" should be "suited." - This is because the changes discussed are past tense.
One other thing to note - for punctuation purposes, you should not have any spaces before your "?" marks or any quotation marks.
Summary
A really good, thought provoking read. I will be returning several more times to read it. For your first piece on WDC, it is a definite thought stopper. Thanks for sharing.
My Thoughts
Greetings nfdardbe. Dropped by for a read and found this little gem in the making.
I enjoyed reading your story as it struck me as the classical type of tale of magic, princesses and the needed defeat of an evil entity. While reading, I was wrapped up in the tantalizing tale and had no difficulties staying interested from beginning to end.
I really like the idea of having an Unicorn as the mode of transportation rather than the typical horse that we so often read of. I think it added to the allure of your story.
Your story also contained some very descriptive elements that let my mind paint it's own fairy tale picture - The unicorn, precious Mist Flowers, silver studded saddle, and lavender silk hood cloak as just a few examples. These descriptions and others encourage me, no dared me, to create an image in my mind.
Suggestions
I do have a few suggestions for you. These are of course my own views and you are welcome to use them or discard them as you see fit.
One of the main things I noted throughout your story is that you use a lot of words repetitively or use verbs which if changed to reflect more accurately (or more actively) what was going on, would really enhance your story. Some examples are: "Crystal continued to run until she came . . . "
- What about something like: "clipped along at a fast pace... " You did use the verb run in the previous paragraph, so switching things around a little will create a more enticing read.
A little further on you say . . . "Then in one swift leap, she jumped . . . "
- What about cleared, sailed over... etc.?
One more example . . . "Looking behind her . . . "
- How did she look behind her? Glance? Peek? Peering?
I would recommend going through your story and seeking out the verbs which are not very descriptive and see if you could replace them with ones that are more "peppy."
A few typos & grammar stuff. Nothing major but should be looked at:
" . . . then turning north, she run, down the precise center ... "
- Run should be "ran." I also believe the comma after "run" is not needed. And last but not least, I don't know that you need the word "precise." By using the word "center" you have already imparted to your reader where the unicorn is running.
" . . . over the boulder mixture . . . "
- I found this description a little awkward. What about saying it's a pile of rocks? It's the "mixture" part that seems out of place. I also noted that you use the word "boulder" several times throughout the story. Try using a thesaurus to see if there are other alternatives.
" . . . before donning the cloak and remounting the unicorn."
- I believe that "the unicorn" is not needed. If you were to say that Amy remounted, your reader will automatically know that the unicorn is what is being mounted."
" . . . in front of the mot surrounding the granite . . ."
- "mot" should be "moat"
I noticed that when your character Amy and the wizard start to talk, it appears that there are a series of questions. In the following example, unless the wizard is asking a rhetorical question, you need to have a question mark at the end of his statement: "The one through Gnome Meadows and up the Scarlet Road."
- I noted the same thing in the very next statement by the wizard: "So Crystal marked the spot, did she."
- In this instance, you should also have a comma after the word "So."
You have a repetition of words in the following line (probably a editing leftover): " . . . into the flagon, then haded the pitcher the pitcher to a waiting servant."
In the paragraphs where the Wizard and Amy are talking, there is lots of mention of the "flagon" and things being "handed." Again, a thesaurus would be a really useful tool in trying to spice up what you are saying.
Summary
I realize that I have made an awful lot of suggestions for your story. Let me reassure you that the suggestions are made because I think you have an excellent story on the go here. I want to know what happens to Altar & his evil army; what is this magical crop called "white blossomed Agrimony" and how can it poison the army; why is it a "sacrifice" to give the crop up? What happens?!!?
When I have that many questions at the end of a story, it means that I have really enjoyed it. The story has captured my attention and whet my appetite for more.
I think when looking at the story and the words highlighted by different colors, that you probably wrote this for a contest. That's a really cool way to start a story. I would encourage you to work on it further as I think you have the promise of something really good here.
Good luck with your writing and thanks for sharing.
PS. If you make any revisions, be sure to give me a shout. I always welcome the opportunity to re-read and re-rate items. B.
Dropped by to check out your newest Charity/Raffle.
I'd like to say that this is a great Charity & Raffle with the proceeds going to two very worthy causes: "RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group" & "Invalid Item" . While I am not American, I am from Canada, and as such we have troops over in Afghanistan and believe that support is well deserved from those of us who are benefiting from their and their family's sacrifice.
RAOK Upgrade Brigade (Random Acts of Kindness for those who don't know) is a group of individuals on WDC who support individuals with upgrades to their membership. A wonderful way to encourage new writers and reward writers who are working hard within the site.
So, keep up the good work. This public review is my way of making sure that everyone out there knows about the great opportunity you are offering!
My Thoughts
Okay. Now that I have finished falling off my chair, and have recovered my wind from laughing so hard, I'd like to say that this is an absolutely hilarious essay. What can I say? When was the last time that someone pointed out something so obscure - "Toilet's flush in E-Flat" and then managed to educate me at the same time (in this case about music notes, keys, and musical pieces - sonatas, irish jigs, etc.)
Falling down funny is the word for your story. Now, I am a musician and I don't have a good grasp of the keys, and notes. I play mostly by ear with a little bit of music to read from, but present me with the tale that something sounds like "E-Flat," and I would be lost.
I absolutely love the descriptions of how someone would go around the house and constantly flush the toilets in an effort to find out if this quirk of the music world/normal world was true. What a blast.
I love the fact that not only was I entertained, but I was educated. And I was educated in an entertaining way. Is there any better way to educate someone? Now, I can't promise that I will remember all the examples given, but I certainly won't forget reading this essay.
Suggestions
It is not very often that I have no suggestions to make, but this is the case for your story. Well written, easy to follow, and nicely broken into easy-to-read paragraphs.
Summary
As I sated earlier, I may not remember all the details of your essay, but I can promise there is one thing I won't be able to shake out of my head until I find some way to prove or disprove is - "Most toilets Flush in E-Flat." Time to pull out the pitch pipe, or walk around and serenade the toilet with my guitar - at least I know where to find an e-flat on it!
My Thoughts
It did not take very long for me to get wrapped up in the story - a tale of a young girl, caught in a very bad situation. I was so disappointed when I got to the end because I wanted so much more. What happens? What are her plans? What is the Bishop working out with the old woman and the man? More please!
I particularly enjoyed the imagery you use in the story. My favorite one is: " . . . She watched, open mouthed, how they swirled and twirled, sometimes in unison, sometimes breaking free to join other colors and shades in a faster dance. "
As I read this, I felt like I had been transported to that very place and time and was witnessing the dance of the leaves myself.
On an emotional level, this story had me going. I experienced a broad range of emotions including sadness, melancholy, freedom, and uncertainty. I believe that a story that can evoke emotions is one well worth reading.
Suggestions
Only one - write more!
Summary
A very good story despite the dark nature of the story. I felt that there was a promise of so much more to come. I eagerly await any further developments in this story. You are planning to write more, right?
First Impression
A very personal story that calls out to the reader and challenges them to think about their actions and the far reaching impact of the way in which we raise our children. It is far to easy to look for things to be angry about when it would be so easy to look for the good things - the reasons to love. A beautiful perspective on the mother / daughter relationship.
Flow
Flow is very nice. I particularly enjoyed the flash to future at the end of the story and then the subsequent jump back to the present. I think this really highlighted the message contained within the story - how what we do today can influence the future (especially with children.)
Grammar and Technical
A few recommendations. As always, these are my own suggestions, but you are welcome to use them or discard as you see fit.
" . . . and raving about what I am not sure, for I have . . . I had a few difficulties with this phrasing. Perhaps a little sentence reorganizing would clear it up.
" . . . its my daughter's Small typo - "its" should be it's
" . . . She looks for all the world older than her six years. . . . I'm not sure what you mean by "all the world."
" . . . . ""Love me, mom. Shut up and just love me", " I believe you need to capitalize Mom. Also place your comma within the quotes.
Spelling was good.
Overall
A thought provoking story. Thank you for taking the time to write it. For me, it made a big impact, as both a parent and as a child who once felt like nothing could be done right. I look forward to reading more of your work.
My Thoughts
I've never read something classified as a "Sample" before. Your concept for another story is great. I would encourage you to work on it because I think you have something going here.
I enjoyed reading the different scenes. You provide just enough detail to tickle out the story and whet the appetite of the reader.
I also like the different method you describe for killing a vampire. I believe that this could be something really cool that you could expand upon.
Suggestions
Keep working on it more!
Summary
Great read. Definitely incomplete. I look forward to watching your port to see how you develop this story. Good luck!
My Thoughts
Hello Newbie. Found your article while cruising the Static Items page. You have the start of a very good article here. I am guessing by a few clues in your writing that you are still pretty young, and because of that, I think you have a very wise view on this issue. Personal debt and the acquisition of "See what I got" items is a huge issue today. Good for you for talking about it.
I think that your story would improve immensely if you were to do a few things: Check your spelling. There are a number of errors in your article. I will highlight a number of them, and then recommend you run the spellcheck option that WDC offers. You can find that option when you look at your item in your portfolio. It is in wee little print, almost all the way over to the right.
Rework the wording a little bit. Again, I will give some suggestions below.
Suggestions " . . . Now a days all Americans . . . "
- I believe that "Now a days" should be "Nowadays"
- I would also suggest removing "all" as this is an all encompassing statement. It leaves no room for those Americans who aren't in this pursuit.
" . . . There is compention . . . "
- compention = competition
" . . . better house than your neighbors, if they have a better . . .
- I would suggest changing the comma in this sentence to a semicolon. It will help your story read smother and more correctly joins the two ideas.
" . . . And you can see it if you ask your fellow neighbor, how much do you pay for your debts? . . . "
- This is actually an incomplete thought. I should be able to read this sentence and know what "it" is by looking at the previous sentence, but I can't. What can I see by asking the neighbor? Also, if you want to actually ask the question of the neighbor, you should place the question in quotes. eg... "How much do you pay for your debts?"
You have many other spelling errors after this point. A spellcheck will help you out immensely. There are two more that I wanted to point out because a spellcheck is not going to pick them up:
" . . . speak to you. Weather you . . . "
- Weather = whether
" . . . Thus you tell your self . . . "
- your self = yourself
Summary
Despite the work that needs to be done on your article, you have the start of something really good here. Fine tune it, check your spelling, check for punctuation use, and it'll be as good a read as any. Of course, if you make changes, be sure to let me know so that I can return to re-read and re-rate.
Okay. Let's start with saying that, initially, I thought this was a humor poll. However, after a great deal of reading (great info!) I realized there was an honest question with this poll. So, I voted - nope - not gonna tell you my answer, but it definitely doesn't involve placenta. Sorry, my stomach couldn't do it. Still trying not to gag at the thought!
I use three criteria when reviewing polls: Is the question clear? Are there lots of choices for answers? Do the choices fit the question?
Based on this format of reviewing, I have the following comments:
Clear Question? Yes. And Double Yes I love the fact that you provided a fantastic amount of history to the question, including some rather, umm... offbeat and unusual recipes!
Variety of choices for answers? Yes. I think you covered 'em all. That's great.
Choices fit answer? Yes. I did not have to struggle at all with deciding which one of the answers I would choose.
Summary
Cool poll, if not a bit on the 'ucky' side of things. (My own personal opinion.) I think what I really appreciate is the uniqueness of your question. Honestly, I never would have ... ever ever ever ... expected to come across a poll asking this question.
My Thoughts
Wow. A poem loaded with emotion. I'm impressed by your ability to express the emotions that you were feeling after your Dad divorced. Often, these feelings are hard enough to acknowledge, never mind sharing them.
You have used some pretty strong imagery here. I am particularly left with a real whammy with the line talking about bloody tears.
Suggestions
I had a few difficulties with some of what seemed to be vague references. I'm sure these were intentional, but it also left me feeling that there could have been more to the poem. I almost wonder if the lines that left me scratching my head, could be ones which could have two lines? A few that I had troubles with are:
". . . What once was felt; need to keep in place . . ."
" . . . Try to stay out of sight,
But I’m always in your range, . . ."
Now, having said that I don't quite get these lines, does not mean that they aren't good lines. Maybe it's just me - I can be a little obtuse at times.
Summary
Overall, I think this is a great poem. Obviously it is very personal and this shows through in the writing - very strong, full of emotion, guaranteed to make the reader think. I also like the fact that this is the "child's" view of the impact of divorce - we hear so little of that. I also believe that the Awardicon given to this poem is well deserved as this is a very difficult subject to write about. You have poured your heart out and deserve to be recognized for this effort. I look forward to reading more of your work on WDC.
My Thoughts
A very beautiful and sentimental poem. I could relate so strongly as a parent - that longing for the simpler times when the smallest thing was appreciated and life was uncomplicated.
Laying back and watching clouds has such universal appeal. I would be incredibly surprised if people couldn't relate, for if they haven't done it with their own child, they probably have with their parents.
My favorite verse is:
For me, my back was racked with pain.
To get off the ground would be such a strain.
But time with her was more than a gift,
It did my heart well to receive such a lift.
As I read this verse, I winced and almost involuntarily rubbed the small of my back... and then I thought about that precious gift of time spent with a child.
You have utilized a nice flowing rhythm and the rhyme is very naturally and not strained. Good job.
Suggestions
Only one little suggestion:
"She prays about little things, not famine not war." I think a comma between "famine" and "not" - just to split up your line - it is a list, after all.
Summary
You have a very strong voice. Your love shows through in this poem. I suspect your have a very lucky daughter to have had a Dad that spent time with her "gathering clouds." I look forward to reading more of your work.
My Thoughts
A really neat take on the "I love you even though I promised not to" theme. I really enjoyed the way you told this poem. Very simple & short lines, very neatly written - tidy.
I sort of wondered what a "Grey Sin" was until I really thought about it - long and hard. Now that I get it! Neat! I've never really considered what you would call something that is good but supposed to be forbidden. I think "Grey Sin" is a great description.
My favorite verse is the last one. I think it sums up what the poem is all about. It was when I got to this verse that I really understood what you were saying.
I like the repetition of "Grey Sins" - it emphasizes the message of the poem. It forces the reader to really think about what you are trying to say. It speaks of the torture that the main character feels in discovering they have done something that they weren't supposed to, something they promised not to do.
Suggestions
I have no suggestions.
Summary
Great poem. Really gave me something to think about. As I read it, I rolled the lines around on my tongue, and they flowed so nicely. I look forward to reading more of you work as time goes by.
First Impression
Dropped by your port to check it out. Found a variety of different poems but this one drew me to read it. Full of emotion, this poem cries out to the reader to please listen and try to understand.
Flow
Remarkably good flow despite different line lengths. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I didn't have a whole lot of difficulty as I read through each stanza. You have nicely flowed one idea to another. Your rhyme scheme is not perfect but relatively sound.
Grammar and Technical
I noticed a few problems with grammar and spelling. These difficulties are the reason for the current rating. Of course, these suggestions are my own opinion. As such, you are welcome to use them or discard them as they suit or don't suit your purposes. And, as always, should you make any major revisions, please be sure to let me know so that I may come back and re-read and re-rate.
" . . . See their hearts [ , ] hear their screams . . . " Insert a comma between "hearts" and "hear." Alternatively, you could use "and" to join the two thoughts.
" . . . Ones I know their[ whose ] lives are through . . . The use of the word "whose" instead of "their" would really help to clarify the intention of this sentence.
" . . . My heart is tired [ , ] me spirit is weak . . . " Again, insert a comma between "tired" and "me." It adds flow to your line and helps to separate the two ideas. You could also use "and" between the two ideas.
" . . . ToToo many scars and no hands to heal me . . . " Change "To" ---> "Too"
" . . . For then run away cause they are scared of the love inside . . . " Did you mean "they" instead of "then?" I would suggest for the word "cause" that you use " 'cause . " This clarifies for the reader that you are using the short form of because.
" . . . I still see them dieingdying in front of me . . . " "Dieing" should be "Dying"
" . . . So tired and torn [ , ] how do I go on . . . " Insert a comma after "torn" - adds flow, reads better.
" . . . Gave them two chances yet you threw it away . . . " "Them" and "You" do not match (pronoun reference, I believe). You have two options here ... use "Them" and "They" or "You" and "You"
" . . . You are alone [ , ] not safe from harm . . . Comma insertion - a list, two ideas, reads better.
" . . . Rather live in excuse than fight to be free . . . Did you actually mean "an excuse" ?
One other suggestion: For the lines which were so long that you split them into two, you could consider indenting the line underneath so that it is clear that it is a continuation of the other line. I, personally, find this a tidier way to look at poems such as yours. For example:
When one line is really long and you want to have a hard break
near the end, trying indenting the next line.
Overall
A very painful poem. It almost seems wrong to say that a person has enjoyed reading it when there is so much emotion and pain packed into. However, I will admit that I did enjoy reading your poem. A little tightening of the grammar and spelling and it will be even more so a pleasure.
My Thoughts
A touching poem, written from the heart. It became very apparent that this is a poem full of emotions - Sadness, longing, grief. Very moving.
Suggestions
Only a couple of suggestions -
You could consider single spacing your verses. I'm not sure why you double spaced, but I think single space would look fine. It would also work to add definition to your verses.
" . . . its faded . . . " " . . . its been gone for years . . . " its " in both lines should be " it's as it is a contraction of "it has."
" . . . but that to has faded . . . " " to " should be " too "
" . . . won't reconize . . . " " reconize " should be " recognize "
Summary
Poetry that is extremely personal and full of emotion is always hard to R & R, however, I enjoyed reading your poem despite the sadness of it's content. Thank you for sharing.
Of course, if you do any revisions, please be sure to let me know so I can return to re-rate. B.
My Thoughts
I really like this poem. It has a very nice rhythm and rhyme to it and tells of two people meeting and what the connection between them is. Nice tell.
Suggestions
A few suggestions which are of course my own - you can chose to use them or lose them depending on if you think they meet your needs.
For example:
" . . . when i see . . . "
- Capitalize " I "
" . . . met you Because . . .
- Change the capital "B" in Because to a lower case "because"
" . . . between your heart and your mind . . .
- I stumbled a bit here. I think if you were to remove the second "your" the line would read smoother. Also, I don't think you need the second your - it's removal will make your line stronger.
No spelling errors noted - awesome!
Summary
A very beautiful poem. I love the concept of two souls meeting and feeling that they've already met before. Thank you for sharing.
This is a really cool piece of prose. I like the beginning and the way it flows to the end. The evolution of a friendship and the way things can be so different because of an online friendship.
Did you ever resurrect the friendship or is it something done and gone now? Write some more!!!
Thank you for your entry in the "Invalid Item" This is a review of your entry, and is not part of the judging process. Please refer to the contest page for contest end dates and judging dates.
Impression
OH my! Oh MY! Now this would be an embarrassing story on two fronts - a child kicking up a fuss with the whole world watching and the loss of an important piece of clothing. I laughed (sorry 'bout that) and then I blushed for you. Great story!
Flow / Content
Great flow and your content is absolutely perfect. I had no trouble reading your story and it seemed to all come out very naturally.
Grammar and Technical
A few problem on the grammar and technical end. I think that some of them are leftovers from previous edits, but if you take care of them it will enhance your story greatly.
". . . One day my mother in law and I decided to take go to a nearby " Remove take - a left over I think.
" . . . The children had a delightful day and at last the time came to leave, the bugs were coming out in full force with the approaching evening." I would suggest that something is after "to leave" - you need a transitory word like "as" or use a semicolon to link up the two sentences.
" . . . and begin back to the . . . " Wrong tense with begin - change to began. What I would really recommend is a different word that would be stronger - started, headed, etc.
" . . . I decided to pick my son up and draped him over my shoulder. He decided as he . . . You use the word decided twice in very close proximity to each other. Try mixing it up a little ... "He had other plans / ideas / etc." It makes for a more interesting read.
What I did like was the way you split your story up into little scenes - little paragraphs. Great job.
Overall
Very funny story. I bet you don't wear that type of clothing to the fun park any more. Thanks for taking the time to enter the contest and good luck!
My Thoughts
Hello. Dropped by your port and was instantly snagged by your bioblock which states: "I am not a writer . . . " I think that you could safely remove that from your bioblock as your port demonstrates something to the contrary.
This poem, Porcelain Doll, is very beautiful and exudes the love that you feel for your daughter. It is obvious by your careful choice of words and the way that you have woven them together that she has touched a very special place in your heart and your life.
I really enjoyed the words you chose to write your poem. They really convey a sense of fragility ... "porcelain, sweetness, sugar, kisses" - to name a few.
Suggestions
I have no suggestions. I noted no spelling errors and this poem is far to personal in nature for me to venture forth any suggestions for change.
Summary
Thank you for sharing. This is a very touching poem by someone who I would consider to be a "writer." I look forward to reading more of your work.
Write On!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/barbieistheone
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.36 seconds at 9:36pm on Apr 24, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
morw = more
I do not know if you are aware of the tools available to writers on WDC (Writing.Com) but there is a spellchecker. After you have written an item, if you go into your port and look at the item you have written, if you look you should see a series of little links including things like "view" "edit" etc... near the right end of those links is an option "Spellcheck" - great feature! I use it all the time myself.
Your piece is an awesome take that touches on one of the real peeves I have about driving. Unique and full of really neat similes. I think you invite the reader to stretch their imagination the next time they look at the talked about item in your story (Sorry, don't want to give it away.)
I believe that "Has" should be "have" - this matches up with 'changes' (plural); Also, remove the capital from "Has." I also think that "suit" should be "suited." - This is because the changes discussed are past tense.
I look forward to watching your port to see how you develop this story. Good luck! 
I am guessing by a few clues in your writing that you are still pretty young, and because of that, I think you have a very wise view on this issue. Personal debt and the acquisition of "See what I got" items is a huge issue today. Good for you for talking about it. 