Greetings nfdardbe. Dropped by for a read and found this little gem in the making.
I enjoyed reading your story as it struck me as the classical type of tale of magic, princesses and the needed defeat of an evil entity. While reading, I was wrapped up in the tantalizing tale and had no difficulties staying interested from beginning to end.
I really like the idea of having an Unicorn as the mode of transportation rather than the typical horse that we so often read of. I think it added to the allure of your story.
Your story also contained some very descriptive elements that let my mind paint it's own fairy tale picture - The unicorn, precious Mist Flowers, silver studded saddle, and lavender silk hood cloak as just a few examples. These descriptions and others encourage me, no dared me, to create an image in my mind.
I do have a few suggestions for you. These are of course my own views and you are welcome to use them or discard them as you see fit.
One of the main things I noted throughout your story is that you use a lot of words repetitively or use verbs which if changed to reflect more accurately (or more actively) what was going on, would really enhance your story. Some examples are:
"Crystal continued to run until she came . . . "
- What about something like: "clipped along at a fast pace... " You did use the verb run in the previous paragraph, so switching things around a little will create a more enticing read.
A little further on you say . . .
"Then in one swift leap, she jumped . . . "
- What about cleared, sailed over... etc.?
One more example . . .
"Looking behind her . . . "
- How did she look behind her? Glance? Peek? Peering?
I would recommend going through your story and seeking out the verbs which are not very descriptive and see if you could replace them with ones that are more "peppy."
A few typos & grammar stuff. Nothing major but should be looked at:
" . . . then turning north, she run, down the precise center ... "
- Run should be "ran." I also believe the comma after "run" is not needed. And last but not least, I don't know that you need the word "precise." By using the word "center" you have already imparted to your reader where the unicorn is running.
" . . . over the boulder mixture . . . "
- I found this description a little awkward. What about saying it's a pile of rocks? It's the "mixture" part that seems out of place. I also noted that you use the word "boulder" several times throughout the story. Try using a thesaurus to see if there are other alternatives.
" . . . before donning the cloak and remounting the unicorn."
- I believe that "the unicorn" is not needed. If you were to say that Amy remounted, your reader will automatically know that the unicorn is what is being mounted."
" . . . in front of the mot surrounding the granite . . ."
- "mot" should be "moat"
I noticed that when your character Amy and the wizard start to talk, it appears that there are a series of questions. In the following example, unless the wizard is asking a rhetorical question, you need to have a question mark at the end of his statement:
"The one through Gnome Meadows and up the Scarlet Road."
- I noted the same thing in the very next statement by the wizard:
"So Crystal marked the spot, did she."
- In this instance, you should also have a comma after the word "So."
You have a repetition of words in the following line (probably a editing leftover):
" . . . into the flagon, then haded the pitcher the pitcher to a waiting servant."
In the paragraphs where the Wizard and Amy are talking, there is lots of mention of the "flagon" and things being "handed." Again, a thesaurus would be a really useful tool in trying to spice up what you are saying.
I realize that I have made an awful lot of suggestions for your story. Let me reassure you that the suggestions are made because I think you have an excellent story on the go here. I want to know what happens to Altar & his evil army; what is this magical crop called "white blossomed Agrimony" and how can it poison the army; why is it a "sacrifice" to give the crop up? What happens?!!?
When I have that many questions at the end of a story, it means that I have really enjoyed it. The story has captured my attention and whet my appetite for more.
I think when looking at the story and the words highlighted by different colors, that you probably wrote this for a contest. That's a really cool way to start a story. I would encourage you to work on it further as I think you have the promise of something really good here.
Good luck with your writing and thanks for sharing.
PS. If you make any revisions, be sure to give me a shout. I always welcome the opportunity to re-read and re-rate items. B.
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