Thank you for your entry in the "Invalid Item" This is a review of your entry, and is not part of the judging process. Please refer to the contest page for contest end dates and judging dates.
Impression
Too cute. And, yes, embarrassing. I would have loved to have been there as you were asked for that item (I won't list it because I don't want to spoil the punch line.)
Flow / Content
The biggest thing I noticed was that you use many short simple sentences. As I read the first paragraph I thought this was intentional as you can sometimes use it to try to emphasize what you are trying to say, but as I read on, I realized that this style was used throughout your story. The problem with short, simple sentences is they can sound really choppy. What would really work here is if you were to combine your sentences into complex ones, and vary up the sentence styles that you use. I will give some more detailed suggestions in the "Grammar/Technical Section."
Content wise - really good content. You set the stage, and your summary was something to die for!
Grammar and Technical
As mentioned above, I noticed that many of your sentences are simple sentences. I am going to focus on your introduction in an effort to try to help you with a little bit of the flow issues and complex sentences. Of course, these are only my suggestions are you are welcome to use or disregard as you see fit.
" It was a beautiful spring day. The greenhouse had been up and running for a week or so now. Everyone had been buying flowers to plant out in their yards. The store had been very busy with the added business of the greenhouse. . . . "
The first thing I would suggest is explaining that the greenhouse was an add-on to the store. It took me a while to figure this out and once I did, it put the whole picture in better context.
I would suggest a reworking of the order of your statements. In fact, I might suggest bringing up some of your comments about being new at the store up into your introduction. It would help to set the scene sooner.
So, how would I suggest improving it? Try something like:
It was busy Spring day and the store had been busy with the added business of the greenhouse which had been open for about a week. Everyone . . .
Notice how you can combine a lot of simple sentences into one thought? It adds flow to your story, making it easy for your reader to follow.
One more suggestion . . . ". . . My face must have shown some disorientation.. . " "Disorientation" seems out of place. Try something simpler and more direct and rework the sentence a bit - "I must have looked confused / lost / . . . "
Overall
A pretty good story. Very funny and I bet you know what that item is now!
A little reworking, a little tweaking, and your story will improve. Please be sure to let me know if you do rework it as I would love to come back and re-read & re-rate. I love watching a story evolve.
First Impression
The beginning chapter of a story that promises to be most interesting. I liked the introduction. You built up the suspense quite nicely, give us a glimpse into the lives of the girls, and a peek at the shadowy character, Alexandrious.
Flow
The story flowed quite well. I did not notice any major hurdles where the story didn't seem to fit together. Great job.
I wonder about the ease in which Sara provides her name to Alex. Even though your story is set in 1961, it seems to me that even then children did not easily give out their names. I guess I'm saying the name exchange seemed to take place too quickly.
Grammar and Technical
Spelling: I noted no spelling errors.
On the grammatical end of things, I noticed quite a few punctuation errors (missed commas, commas where there should have been a semicolon, etc.) Your story is long enough that I did not want to try to type them all out in review format. If you would be willing to turn on your edit points, I could go and point out the ones that I noticed.
Great sentence variety. I like to see this, especially in a story of any length, as I can become easily bored by reading the same type of sentence over and over.
Overall
A very enjoyable read. I'm looking forward to the other chapters. You left the story hanging just nicely - the reader can guess what Alex's challenge is in the story, but must now wait for the other chapters to confirm it. Cool story.
My Thoughts
Sad. Sad. Sad. Yes, this is a sad poem as I believe it talks of someone ending their life. Funny though, at the end it's as though they are happy to be in the sea. Still a very sad poem.
Well written, leaving me with great imagery in my mind. Despite the sad nature of the poem, I still enjoyed reading it.
Suggestions
I have no suggestions for changing this poem. Spelling was good and the poem structure works well.
Summary
Thank you (I think ) for sharing this poem. I will be thinking about it for a while to come. I just can't quite shake the sadness of it from my mind. Good poem. Great emotional impact.
Thank you for your entry in the "Invalid Item" This is a review of your entry, and is not part of the judging process. Please refer to the contest page for contest end dates and judging dates.
Impression
Okay. Yup. You had me giggling pretty hard as I read the details of the afternoon you locked yourself out of your house. Sounds like it was not only embarrassing, but something you and your sister probably laughed about for years to come. Great job!
Flow / Content
Pretty good flow. It is incredibly hard to tell a story in 250 words or less and you have definitely conveyed yours within this word limit. I actually had a picture of you and your sister, trying to struggle into the window. Even worse, I could see you dangling there without any pants on! Great visuals.
Grammar and Technical
The following are my recommendations regarding your story. You are welcome to use them or disregard as you see fit.
"I suppose one of the most embarassing moments that often haunt me is this one." This sentence is unnecessary. By entering the contest, you have already alluded to this event being an embarrassing moment. Start the story off with a bang! Go right into the action.
"It happened to myselfme and my big sister when we were in our early teens,. I myselfwas was thirteen and my big sister three years older. " If you were to say this sentence and not include your sister, you would say it happened to myself - you would say it happened to me. Place a period at the end of "teens" and start a new sentence. Alternatively, you could use a semicolon to connect the two thoughts.
"Tragically my pants get caught on a nail, the window comes down on . . . "
Insert a comma after "tragically". "Comes" should be came to keep the same tense.
"and god forbid we need to pee . . . " Capitalize "God" and place commas around "God forbid."
". . .My sister is holding me laughing and I wet myself all over her, then she wets herself cause she just can't hold it in laughing. " Hard to pin down what's wrong with this sentence. I think it's something to do with a missing comma or two. You might want to actually break it into two different sentences, or just a different joining word to make it flow better.
" . . . Meanwhile I'm still stuck so my sister starts pushing hard trying to squeeze me through, my pants rip from the nail and next think you know I'm bare panties to the wind . . . " Place a comma after "Meanwhile" and "stuck". Change the comma after through to a semicolon. These changes add flow to your sentence. The semicolon avoids a run on sentence.
" . . . and kindly helps me out of our dilemma . . . " me and our do not match up. Pronoun reference, I believe. You need to say either that you dad helped you out of your dilemma or your dad helped us out of our dilemma.
Only one spelling mistake that I could find ... it's in both your Title and the story. Embarrassed! You missed an 'ar' in the title and one 'r' in the first line of your story.
Overall
I really enjoyed your story and I'm still chuckling thinking about it. I'm not sure that I would ever have admitted this story to anyone!!! A little work to tidy up your story and it'll be an absolute riot. Good luck with the contest.
PS. As always, should you make any changes, please be sure to let me know. I would love to see this piece continue to evolve and would be happy to re-read and re-rate. B.
First Impression
A really cool story! An engrossing and engaging read that had me reading as quickly as I could so I could see how it would end. Excellent.
Flow / Content
Great flow and awesome content. When a story has me reading eagerly, anticipating the ending without me having to stop, back up and re-read a section, I believe the story has great flow.
Great visuals. I loved the "Thump . . . thump . . . " that is interspersed throughout the story. It built on the suspense of the story.
Grammar and Technical
Generally speaking, your grammar is excellent. I did not notice any major flaws in your use of punctuation and your spelling was great.
Some of the things I did notice was the frequency in which your sentences started with "Macklin." This is usually an indication of using the same type of sentence structure over and over. If you could vary the sentence structure more or use pronouns more frequently, it would add variety to your story.
" . . . Macklin’s heartbeat was strong yet slowing. His blood was slowly seeping out of his . . . " You have used the word or base of the word slow
in very close proximity to each other. I would suggest changing one of the words or, alternatively, remove slowly out of the second sentence.
" . . . bone fifteen feet beneath . . . A couple of suggestions here. First, I would use the word below as beneath implies immediately underneath (my interpretation). I would also add him at the end of the sentence.
" . . . were sharp and shown from under its mammoth lips . . . " Shown does not seem to be the right tense of the word. I would suggest "showed"
" . . . he hulking beast made its way to the incline in which Macklin now struggles. . . . " Change "in which" to "on which". Macklin does not struggle in the incline but on it.
Overall
Fascinating and engrossing story. I truly enjoyed reading it. With a little fine tuning here and there, you will strengthened your story. Thanks for sharing.
I found your item while cruising the "Static Items" page. I was intrigued, mostly due to the vagueness of your description. After I got through feeling intrigued, I quickly moved to confused. I did not understand what your item was about.
Once I determined that you were presenting us with a riddle, I thought what a cool idea!
Suggestions
I'd like to see you improve on this item because I think it's a really neat one. The following are some suggestions that you can use or ignore as you see fit.
Go through your item and check for spelling errors. There are a number of them, and I found it very distracting while trying to figure out the riddle.
Identify your item as a riddle in an introductory sentence. This will allow the reader to instantly identify what you are trying to accomplish.
Break the riddle up into separate lines. eg: Once I broke out, I was small and weak but I was cared for by two loving parents.
They gave me food and cuddle me. etc . . .
The last sentence of your riddle is a run on sentence. Break it into short simple sentences. eg .... "needed them." & ". . . I know."
In the sentence: "They gave me food and cuddle me." - there is a problem with the tense. Do one of two things - either change "gave" to give or change "cuddle" to cuddled
Summary
Riddles are great fun! I think that if you were to work on this one a little bit, you could greatly improve it. I'm not sure that it is a very tough riddle, but if you were to make the clues a little more cryptic, it could be a neat challenge to others. If you make any changes, please be sure to let me know, as I would love to come back re-read and re-rate.
Thank you for your entry in the "Invalid Item" This is a review of your entry, and is not part of the judging process. Please refer to the contest page for contest end dates and judging dates.
Impression
Oh my! You see stuff like this in the movies, but I've never actually heard of someone doing it. How embarrassing! I'm still tittering as I try to write this review! How in the world did you return to the service after having such an experience? Hilarious!!
Flow / Content
Flawless.
250 words is a challenge when trying to write a story. You have met the challenge head on and in a very smooth and detailed manner. From start to finish, I followed your story, knowing that the 'mundane' would soon turn into the unexpected. When I reached the end, I wanted to read more.
Grammar and Technical
Spelling: No spelling errors noted.
Great sentence structure and your grammar appeared perfect (as far as I could see.)
Overall
A delightful story - very funny, entertaining, and definitely embarrassing. Your writing style is very natural and as such, I am looking forward to checking out your port for more well written stories.
Thank you for your entry in the "Invalid Item" This is a review of your entry, and is not part of the judging process. Please refer to the contest page for contest end dates and judging dates.
Impression
Ohhhh! Ouch!!! An incredibly funny story that was undoubtedly embarrassing. You made me laugh (a good thing) and then I went on to feel your embarrassment. Important things to accomplish when you want someone to relate to your story.
Flow / Content
Pretty good flow. 250 words is a difficult limit when trying to tell a story in it's entirely and still have a good sense of oomph to it. You did very well introducing us to you and your personal circumstance and the actual event that happened.
I felt that your summary was not quite as strong as the rest of your story. Up until "LOOK AWAY YOU FOOL!" - your story was jam packed with emotion and emphasis. After that, I lost the impact of what had happened. It seemed as though you were struggling with how to get across to the reader how much this event had affected after it was over.
Grammar and Technical
Pretty good sentence structure. Nicely varied to enhance your story telling.
One point to note: "The sounds of everyone rolling around on the floor laughing slapped me back to reality.. I have never moved that fast in my life, I jumped up and sprinted to the locker room."
Two things - first the point where you have two periods - do you want this to be the end of a sentence? If so, one period. If you are wanting to lead into what happened next using Ellipsis marks - use (space period space period space period space) - [ . . . ].
The second note is the use of the comma. As you have it written now, the sentence reads like a comma splice. Either place a period where the comma is or trying using a semicolon. I recommend the semicolon.
Overall
Good story, and definitely funny and embarrassing. Thank you for sharing it with us. Good luck in the contest.
Thank you for your entry in the "Invalid Item" This is a review of your entry, and is not part of the judging process. Please refer to the contest page for contest end dates and judging dates.
Impression
Wowsers! The finer intricacies of speaking in a different language!! A very funny and humorous story. I laughed and then I blushed for you.
Flow / Content
Beautiful flow. The reader is easily led through your story from beginning to end. You have also succeeded in capturing just enough information to allow the reader to put the faux pas of your actions in perspective.
I love the title of your story. As a practitioner of Karate, I appreciate so much more what your story was about as I read it. The honor and dignity of the Japanese culture adds that little extra flavor to your story.
Grammar and Technical
Excellent grammar, beautiful sentence structure. I love the use of dialog in your story. In fact, I think it's the only way you could have effectively told your story!
Overall
Great, funny, & embarrassing. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. I will have a difficult time looking my sensei in the eye without wanting to giggle thinking about your experience.
My Thoughts
Hello Checkin . . . Er, I mean kristina
You may be a newbie and a computer amateur, but it sounds as though you are well on your way to learning the power of Writing.com and using computers.
I found your article a refreshing take on the "This is who I am, and how I got here" story. I found myself laughing as I thought about your struggle to learn how to use Writing.com (WDC) and the internet. A very entertaining story.
I also enjoyed the informal presentation of your item. I think what you are talking about and the style you have chosen to be very appropriate.
Suggestions
A couple of suggestions for your article.
The first thing I would do is run spell-check. I found a few errors that need to be corrected. Very important to address when trying to keep someone's interest in your story and not have them distracted by mistakes.
You also mention that you found "Writers.com" . . . did you mean Writing.Com? This is very important as I do believe that writers.com will take you to a completely different place than Writing.com.
For difficulties in learning how to upload pictures, you might want to check out the "Technical Support Forum" . A very useful and helpful place to get answers to some of the problems you are talking about.
Check your Title and Description. The upper/lower case is a little out of whack. I think you turned on your caps lock to type the last half of your description, but still used your shift key to type "I'M."
Summary
Welcome to WDC. I enjoyed reading your running tale of your adventures on WDC. Refreshing and cute.
Hello Tears of Blood. I found your poem while checking out the "Read a Newbie" section. Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you find it as helpful as I have.
As always, the following is my review of your poem. You are welcome to use some of the suggestions or disregard if they don't work for you.
My Thoughts
Well, what can I say? At first I was stunned by the very strong language of the poem, but as I sat and read it again, and let it digest a little while longer, I think that in the context of the message being conveyed the language is okay.
Lots of anger. Lots of emotion. Wow.
I think if parents were to ever wonder why their children have taken that turn that deviated from what parents wanted, this is the poem to read. There are lessons to be learned from the pain and anger being expressed.
Suggestions
My first suggestion would be to change the rating of the poem. 13+ can contain mild swearing, but I think the words in here probably rate a little higher than mild.
A few technical/grammar/spelling suggestions: Fnd a life go get your own
A comma between "life" and "go"
This will allow the line to flow better and separate the two statements. Also, Fnd should be Find
Look around I hate you
Try a dash or a semicolon between "around" and "I"
Your made me fell Your should be You & fell should be feel
pot, crack, cocain cocain should be cocaine
What happened was you never care
Technically speaking, care should be cared. I say technically, because you say What happened (past tense), therefore cared should match in tense. In looking at your poem, I can see that you probably used care on purpose to maintain your rhyme scheme. I don't have the easy answer for this. That being said, you might be able to squeak by with the tenses not matching up.
Your rhyme scheme for the poem is different. The beginning appears to have no rhyme scheme at all, and then you switch to one for the last half. Normally, I would say that this would throw the reader off. I tend to think though, that for your poem, this works well. It gives a different type of emphasis or mood for each section of the poem.
Summary
Good poem. Incredibly strong message and jam-packed full of emotion. I wish you well in your future writings.
My Thoughts
Oh My! I didn't know quite what to expect when I clicked on the link for the Perky Polka-Dotted Poodle. Neither was I aware of what a "read aloud" book was. I can honestly say, that I was absolutely tickled "Perky-Pink!"
I cannot believe, or at least I now can, that so many strings of 'p' words could be strung together and done so in a wonderfully delightful way. I love a story that can make me smile as I read it. This story fits the bill to a "T."
I honestly enjoyed reading the story aloud. I would suggest to not read it aloud is to deprive yourself the joy of hearing all those words roll off your tongue in an almost melodic manner.
Suggestions
No suggestions - the words come together in a magical way that cannot be improved upon (in my humble opinion.)
Summary
I will be adding you to my favorite authors. As an aunt and soon to be grandmother, I can see that I would have a lot of fun reading these to all the young ones.
My Thoughts
I think you have great potential for a scary ghost story here. I wanted to read the whole story to find out what "the face" was. I felt let down at the end when I didn't have any better idea what the face was than I did at the beginning, but I think that this only adds to the allure of your story.
Suggestions
I think there are some things you could do to improve the telling of your story. You are welcome to disregard my suggestions if you don't think they will work for you.
Sentence structure
I noticed, particularly so in the first paragraph, that your sentences tend to have the same structure and are not very complex. What this meant was that as I read, the paragraph seemed clippy or choppy. One way to tell when you have used the same type of sentence style over and over is to analyze the first words of your sentences ... in your first paragraph you have: Ridley, It, The, Ridley, The, and He.
Spelling
A few errors to note:
Ridley had no intension intension should be intention
He shined a flashlight up shined should be shone - irregular verb
Lifting himself upon the loft’s floor upon should be up on or up on to
Other suggestions
A couple last suggestions. You use the phrase "Creak...creak...creak" twice. I know this is for effect, but you might want to find a way to replace one of the phrases. It really sticks out in your story.
The rungs howled under his bare feet.
The word howled was one which I kept going back to as it was not something that I would think about when I think of a ladder that is emitting protests of someone using it. You could consider a different word like "Groan" or "moan."
Summary
Great story. With a little tweaking here and there, you will have a whiz-banger story. I look forward to continuing to watch your story as you work on it. As always, let me know if you make any major revisions, as I would be most pleased to return and re-read and re-rate your story.
First Impression
Hello. Stopped by to do a review as a part of the Virtual Summer Carnival "Jail" activity. I'm extremely happy that someone sent me to jail (how many people will say that in their life?) I found a story that made me feel sad yet happy. This story is sweet and demonstrates how the one little act of a caring individual can help meet the needs of more than just one person.
Flow
Great flow. From start to finish, I read on wanting to know what happened next. Your transitions from paragraph to paragraph and are neat and smooth and I really enjoyed the ending.
Grammar and Technical
Great sentence structure with lots of variety.
Spelling: No errors noted.
Grammar: One wee little thing: "...the highlight of the residents week."
I think you need an apostrophe on residents - residents'
Overall
Great story. And a real pleasure to read. Thank you for sharing.
Hello {suer:ibelieveinfaeries}. I found your poem while browsing the newbie page. Welcome aboard. I'm sure you find WDC a caring and supportive community.
First Impression
A great poem that talks of the pain, frustration, sorrow and confusion of a friendship gone awry.
Flow / Content
Pretty good flow to your poem. Each verse nicely speaks to the topic.
On the the technical end of flow, you have two verses which break the 4 line stanza form that you have used for the rest of the poem. I suspect, by looking and re-reading the poem, that this is related to the length of the lines and you did not wish to have lines that looked really long. I would suggest that, at least for the 4th verse, that you might want to look at rewording to compact the line. I understand why you laid out the last verse as you did - to give it the added impact. Perhaps you might want to separate out the last two lines into it's own stanza. This will enhance the last verse and add that extra oomph to what you are trying to say.
Grammar and Technical
Great spelling and no grammar problems noted.
You have followed a very good rhyme scheme - way to go!
The rhythm and meter is a little bit difficult. If you were to make the lines either the same number of syllables (a pattern for each verse) or get them pretty close to the same, it would allow your poem to flow better.
Overall
Thank you for sharing. As someone who has had friend problems in my past, I could relate to what you were saying. I felt the emotion flowing through loud and clear. Keep on writing. I look forward to seeing more writing from you.
First Impression
This is a great story. You have used wonderful imagery to convey setting, character, and time. I think what is appealing about your story is that it is has a "true ring" to it even though I was not sure whether it was true or not; that is, I felt it was believable. The horror of abuse and the way it can affect people is an important story to tell. Thanks for sharing.
Flow / Content
Pretty good flow. You have combined both dialog and description to paint a picture that worked very well for me. I particularly enjoyed the details about the 'hideaway.'
Perhaps my only reservation about the story is the conclusion which did not flow quite as well. It seemed hurried as though you had spent a lot of time on the first two-thirds of your story and then rushed to finish off the story. I think if you were to spend a little more time on the ending, you would strengthen and enhance it.
One other item related to content - I read Emma and Emily in the story but I think there is a little mix up in names where the main character is talking about ignoring "Emily" - is Emily not the main character?
Grammar and Technical
You have utilized a wonderful variety of sentence styles. Way to go! Made the reading very pleasurable and I looked forward to reading from section to section. You kept me engaged.
On a general note: When I read the story I was distracted by the changing spacing between paragraphs. If you could make this consistent, it would make the story easier to look at and read.
A few points to ponder: "Wow. Did I just mouth off to the teacher?!" I thought to myself
When thinking to yourself, you don't need to include quotes. Just italicize the thoughts. Remove quotes.
No your not Emma! Your gymnastics teacher told me that your parents are still paying the bill! Stop lying to me! Then, if you can't tell me, then I guess I am not your Best Friend . . .
I had a hard time grappling with the idea that a gymnastics teacher would tell a teenager that someone was still having their bill paid. Could you try reworking it to reflect that Emma was still enrolled as far as the teacher knew - just a little tweaking to give it a more realistic sound.
"Mom, i'm sorry . . . "
Capitlize "I'm"
When the Garlic Bread was done mom set it out . . .
Insert a comma after "done" and capitalize "Mom."
Dependent clause and "Mom" is like a proper name.
"Just, PLEASE don't let my parents take me back. Can I shower?" Emma asked with a big smile on her face.
This seems incongruous (doesn't match up) with the seriousness of the event. Please see comments in "Flow/Content" to understand.
eachother but
"each other"
Overall
A great story. Even though there are a few things that can be worked on, you have the makings of a story that is enjoyable and that people can learn from. Hopefully the suggestions are helpful, but it is entirely up to you as to whether you chose to utilize them. I look forward to reading more of your works.
Thank you for your entry in the "Invalid Item" This is a review of your entry, and is not part of the judging process. Please refer to the contest page for contest end dates and judging dates.
Impression
Thank you for an absolutely hilarious and most embarrassing story. I think what really adds to an embarrassing story is not so much what the event was, but all that happens on the periphery. So, for example, your story might not be so funny if it had happened in McDonalds but is excruciatingly so because it happened at Nobles, the fancy restaurant.
Flow
Beautifully done. I've said it once and I'll say it again - telling a story in 250 words or less is a real challenge. You've met the challenge by giving just enough detail to put your story in perspective, fleshed out the body with the yummy details, and followed up with a big bang conclusion that left me laughing.
Grammar and Technical
Spelling, sentence structure, and grammar looked good to me.
I really enjoy reading a story that contains a wide variety of different sentence styles and your story fits the bill. Awesome.
Overall
Great story. Thank you for taking the time to share it with the rest of us. Good luck in the contest.
First Impression
A poem that obviously comes from the heart. Full of emotion and loaded with questions. I felt personally drawn to read this poem and once I started reading it, many of the questions asked were ones which I have struggled with myself.
Flow / Form
Great flow. I was able to easily read your poem - no halts, no stopping to back up to re-read something I didn't quite understand.
The form you have used is very effective. No rhyme scheme to speak of, but I found the rhythm worked for me. I also enjoyed the simpleness of the lines - sometimes less is best and in this case you have worked this simpleness to your advantage.
Grammar and Spelling
No grammar problems that I noted and your spelling was flawless.
Overall
Thank you very much for sharing this poem. You speak in a strong voice and your poem reminded me so much of a similar time in my own life. It also reminded me of a poem I read once that starts "I Wear a Mask . . . " Your poem ranks right up there in terms of the enjoyment I felt while reading it.
First Impression
A very unique piece of writing, in a very unusual form or at least a form that I wasn't quite expecting. Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading it.
Flow
You do a great job of keeping the reading involved and reading the whole story. I found the flow a little bit halting, but I suspect, that this jerkiness that I perceived was intentional.
Grammar and Technical
Spelling was great.
A few comments: " ground and shake about like frantic."
Frantic seems a little off here. Perhaps its "like frantic" that seems irregular. I would suggest a different word or maybe "frantically"
" . . . people may well panic?"
I think you should remove the ? at the end of this line as the ? is out of place.
". . . never need to take, ANY MORE."
Remove the comma before "ANY MORE" as it creates a fragment, and makes it difficult to understand the meaning of the line. I had to reread three times to make sure I hadn't missed something.
Overall
Thanks for an interesting read. I enjoyed the poem, and could relate to the pain of taking pills with the exception that I don't think I could take one more!!
First Impression
Thank you for sharing your poem with us. I was drawn to read your poem because of the title, but also because of the description. As plain as they sound, they have a general appeal that I could not pass up.
Flow / Content
Your poem flows nice. I really liked the fact that you openly express your feelings about your Dad. I got the impression that there have been tough times between you and him, but that despite this you have a deep reverence and love for your Dad.
Grammar and Technical
Nothing of major note here and your spelling was good.
I do have a question: In the last line, you say "me heart" - was this intentional or did you mean "my" ?
Overall
Again, thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading your poem. It was a refreshingly simple read - exactly what is called for on a Sunday evening.
First Impression
Hello Newbie. I took the time to stop by the Newbie page, and found your item listed. What a wonderful bunch of questions you ask. Very thoughtful and a great string of "One question leads to another."
Flow
Great flow. I enjoyed reading your piece as one paragraph led to the next by the virtue of what was being discussed. Really cool.
Grammar and Technical
You used a great variety of different sentence structures. Made reading a real pleasure.
No spelling errors noted.
A few grammar points - you may want to go back and check out where you need to use commas. I noticed a number of occasions where you missed them.
Eg: " . . . On the other hand , there’s something quite calming "
The trick to these kinds of statements is to see if you could say the sentence without the part at the front - if you can, then you should most likely add a comma. - Insert comma between "hand" and "there's"
". . . like they’re worlds apart yet, the journey from one to the other "
The general rule of thumb is to use a comma after "for" "and" "nor" "but" "or" "Yet" and "So" when they connect to independent clauses (two sentences that could be said alone and sound complete.) I remember these words use "fanboys" - from my college grammar classes. Check through your document - there are a few of these.
". . . another one. Normal, what the hell is normal."
This sentence requires a question mark at the end.
". . . What’s the difference though? I think ignorant is just that "
"Ignorant" - did you mean ignorance?
" . . . Isn’t the United States like pretty much . . . "
I would recommend removing the word "like" as it sounds very slangy and detracts from the form you have used in the rest of your essay.
Overall
Thank you for a thought provoking read. Contrary to what your title suggests, I found your story very coherent (Don't change the title, though - it's perfect!) As I read, it was like a free form walk through your thoughts (if that makes any sense.) Great job.
As always, these are only suggestions for your story. You are welcome to use them or not. I hope they help.
Thank you for your entry in the "Invalid Item" This is a review of your entry, and is not part of the judging process. Please refer to the contest page for contest end dates and judging dates.
Impression
Ha! This is really funny and it would be very embarrassing. I can think of many of occasions where my mouth got ahead of my brain, so I could relate very well to what you were saying.
Flow
Great detail and excellent flow. You have used a different sentences structures throughout which made the story interesting to read.
Grammar and Technical
No spelling errors or major grammar errors that I could see. Good.
I would suggest breaking your story up a bit by separating out the dialog. This allows the story to read a little easy, and serves to highlight the conversation that went back and forth between you and your sister's supervisor.
Overall
Thanks for a delightful read. I am so pleased that you have taken the time to enter the contest and share a little bit about you with the rest of us at WDC. Good luck in the contest.
Perhaps I am a sucker, but I honestly believed (at least to start) that your story was going to be a true accounting of where the Nigerian Bank Scam came from. Ha!
Okay, so it wasn't. And, yes, it took me a little while to figure out that much of what you were talking about was tongue in cheek, in your face humor.
I think that the fact that I had to read a little to figure it all out is perhaps the biggest strength of what you have written. If you get your reader hooked because they think it is all real, and then they start to figure out that they have been rooked, is awesome. Maybe even better than the Nigerian Bank scam.
Impression
You have written a very powerful and dark poem. What I liked the most about it is the simpleness of it - when I read it, I was not left to guess and puzzle over what you were talking about.
Flow / Content
Flow - when I read poetry there has to be some type of flow. I liked the flow of your poem because you used four line stanzas. I suppose it's a personal preference, but I find that the usage of this style allows for easier reading, and for an idea to be captured and conveyed in just a few lines. I view stanzas as "chapters" in a poem.
Grammar and Technical
Your rhyme scheme is great. I never noticed any obvious flaws in it.
There are a few spelling mistakes you should look at:
"Your like the hate"Your = You're
"Let you feel the cold hard corps" Corps = Corpse
Overall
In summary, I enjoyed your poem. Very Dark. Very Emotional. Good job.
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The first thing I would suggest is explaining that the greenhouse was an add-on to the store. It took me a while to figure this out and once I did, it put the whole picture in better context.
) for sharing this poem. I will be thinking about it for a while to come. I just can't quite shake the sadness of it from my mind. Good poem. Great emotional impact. 
the "Thump . . . thump . . . " that is interspersed throughout the story. It built on the suspense of the story. 
13+ can contain mild swearing, but I think the words in here probably rate a little higher than mild.
