First Impression
I'm often leery of reading poems that talk of love, but I am glad that I took the opportunity to read yours. It is beautifully written and expresses a very deep and emotional sentiment - love and more so, love and the commitment of marriage.
Flow / Content
A nice light flow to your poem. I particularly enjoyed the simple layout, and the simplicity in what you were trying to say. Sometimes, I believe, the best way to express something is by doing it in the simplest way possible.
One of the reasons that I have given your poem such a high rating, is that a poem which can evoke emotion in me is a poem worthy of a higher rating. As I read your poem, I was taken back to those very same feelings that I felt as I stood at the altar. (Still feel it )
Grammar and Technical
Nothing of note here. Spelling was great.
Overall
Thank you for sharing your poem with us. You have a very strong voice, and a talent for expressing things so that others can relate.
First Impression
I think that you have a lot of potential with the various snippets of lyrics that you have written. I think my biggest suggestion would be that you should break them down into the separate pieces that they so deserve. This would accomplish several things:
It would make it much easier for the people who want to read your item to be able to do so without feeling pulled in several directions.
It would separate out the different ideas that you have in each song. Also, it would remove the focus on the different lyrics - I was really distracted by this.
People would be able to provide more accurate rating and reviews based on each piece. Any feedback would be reflective of each piece rather than your work as a whole.
That being said, I realize that you only have a free account and are limited to a small number of items. Maybe what you could do is pick the song that you would like the most feedback on first, and post this one. After that, you could always rotate the pieces you would like feedback on.
You have a real talent here and loads of creativity. Write On! and I will be keeping an eye on your port.
Thank you for your entry in the "Invalid Item" . Please be advised that this is a review of your submission. Judging will start on the 1st of July, and decisions will be posted on the 11th of July. This review is my own personal review of your item including flow, content, and grammar suggestions. Winners for the contest will be judged based on impact, and by 3 judges.
First Impression
I read your story with growing interest. You did a great job of hooking me, the reader, by describing your first day on the job as an intern chaplain. I was compelled to finish because I just had to know the ending.
Flow / Content
Beautiful job writing a story that teased me into finishing reading it. You developed the story with an excellent intro, just enough detail in the middle, and a great conclusion.
I think I also liked the idea that it was not just the events that created your turning point, but also the license plates that put the whole story into a bigger context.
Grammar and Technical
No spelling mistakes noted and your grammar and sentence structure looked fine too.
Overall
A truly beautiful story. How often we wonder about the things that we are doing and how they fit into the bigger picture, to only have something happen in the periphery that sets it all into place. You have told a very touching and eloquent story.
Thank you for your entry in the "Invalid Item" . Please be advised that this is a review of your submission. Judging will start on the 1st of July, and decisions will be posted on the 11th of July. This review is my own personal review of your item including flow, content, and grammar suggestions. Winners for the contest will be judged based on impact, and by 3 judges.
First Impression
This is a very well laid out, easy to read story. I enjoyed reading it and felt touched by the sentiment within. I think that you have told a story that demonstrates the importance of friends, even when one is too young to really understand what friendship is all about.
Flow
Your story has a fluidity to it that makes it very easy to read. I love it when I find a story like that because then I am able to focus on the pure pleasure of reading instead of trying to decipher what happened to whom and when. Awesome!
Grammar and Technical
I noted no spelling mistakes.
Your punctuation and sentence structure are sound.
Overall
Excellent story and a job well done. I think one of the things that I really enjoyed about your story is that it was told from a third person perspective - you watching and observing from a distance. It is very obvious that the friendship shown to Jeffrey also had a huge impact in your life, so this was not only a turning point for Jeffrey, but you as well.
First Impression
A very thoughtful poem. I can only imagine what happened at work that night to prompt you to write this poem. Obviously it was something pretty heavy or intense. What I can say is that as I read your poem, I found myself nodding and "Yes. Yes."
Flow / Content
Great flow! Sometimes when reading poetry I find that I have to re-read the poem several times to understand what the author is trying to tell me. I loved your word usage too. You steered away from using the traditional words that we like to fall back on - cool! A few examples are "transcend" "province" ... nice, very nice.
Your rhyme was bang on! Way to go. I did stumble a bit with meter.
Overall
Thank you for a really neat read. I think this could be one of those poems that I could pin up on my wall at work. In fact, I suspect there are a lot of people out there who might want to share your poem with the people around them.
First Impression
Wow Wow You have told an incredible story so full of emotion, so full of pain. Full of anger, disbelief and grief. The way in which you tell it is powerful. Even someone who has not been through what you have should be able to walk away, shaken to the core, when they think of your story. I wanted to cry. As someone who has been throug something similar (albeit not the same,) I want to thank you for taking the time to share this with others.
Flow
I was glued to reading your story from the very first word to the very last period. It flows beautifully and you have in a very intense way, spoken to the reader at a very personal way. Awesome job.
Grammar and Technical
I think that for the most part, your story is very well written, but there are a few things you could do to improve the way that your story reads. I am reluctant when I read a story of such a personal nature to suggest changes, but I would like to do so with yours (if you'll provide me the leeway.)
"I keep reading and reading the stories of survivor's.
Removing the repetition makes your sentences stronger. I believe you are talking about survivors in the plural, so use survivors - remove the apostrophe
"I can't remember it all. I block it out and I can't see all of it. I . . . "
If you could somehow rework this. My suggestion would be to eliminate the "and I can't see all of it" part of your sentence. Then you could use the word 'remember' instead of see? You could also combine the first sentence with the second into a compound sentence. This would flow better. Also in this paragraph, you ask several questions - make sure to use a question mark to end the paragraph.
". . . watch my T.V. -- a T.V. I wasn't allowed to watch but was still in my room to suit theretheir purposes. . . "
Although I'm sure you could get away with T.V. not capitalized, I think it is easier to read if it is. Also capitalize the "I". Wrong "there" - you need to use the possessive one.
" . . . and yet I didn't know how to appreciate nothing. I didn't appreciate anything. They were right. I didn't know there was anything to
appreciate. "
These statements are almosta repeat of each other. Almost - I think you could possibly eliminate the " . . . and yet . . . " part of the sentence. It also seemed weird to appreciate "nothing" when nothing is not really quantitative. "Anything," on the other hand, seems clearer.
Overall
I really do hate to provide grammar and wording suggestions to a story such as yours. I felt compelled to do so though as I think your story is important. You have something to tell the world! The pain and grief and stolen childhoods that are the result of child abuse and sexual abuse is not something to be hidden away. Sharing your story is a way to educate others about this blight in our society. Your story will also serve as an example of how much it can hurt an individual, and hopefully, as an inspiration to heal. I would love to come back and read your story again as you continue to work on. Thank you for sharing. Write On!!
I like it and I can relate to it. Ah, those Lazy Sundays that mean so much and have so little done on.
I love your choice of words... it really does convey a specific image. Yes, I can picture you sitting there looking out your window and trying to decide what to do.
A good choice to sit back and enjoy your lazy Sunday and to stop worrying about changing the world. Good advice for all of us.
A very nice poem full of emotion that I enjoyed very much.
I think what I really enjoyed was you were able to convey the message of pain and regret in very simple words. The rhyme and meter were also very well done. It's always a pleasure to read a poem where all words meant to rhyme actually rhyme.
Normally I would say something when someone puts extra spaces between lines when traditionally this isn't supposed to be, however, for your poem adding this extra space emphasized the feelings and emotions you were trying to convey. To me it was like the pauses a speaker will use when giving a public speech when they want to add effect to what they are saying.
I didn't notice any spelling mistakes. You probably should capitalize "God" throughout the poem unless you are purposefully not doing so (poetic license.)
Stopped by and completed your poll. I found it on the front page of WDC in the "Random Poll" section. I always check to see if the poll is something that would interest me and if it does, I complete it and then review. I really liked your poll - it made me pause and think about what my rating habits are on WDC.
Here's my evaluation of your poll.
I use three criteria when reviewing polls: Is the question clear? Are there lots of choices for answers? Do the choices fit the question?
Based on this format of reviewing, I have the following comments:
Clear Question? Absolutely. You left nothing open for interpretation.
Variety of choices for answers? Excellent variety that spans most options that I could think of.
Choices fit answer? Yes they do. Perfectly so. I was able to select my answer with ease. This is the way a poll should be.
Excellent poll. Interesting question, and I was actually relieved to see that I fit right in with the majority of people on WDC. I think a neat add on or subsequent poll would be to find out why people don't rate all the items they see.
Finally got around to check out your port and read your poem. I read the poem earlier, but wanted to make sure that I took the time to come back and review it with all the care and attention that it deserves.
I like the rhythm and rhyme of the poem. It's very natural and doesn't sound forced - a hard feat to accomplish with poetry.
I love the way you describe the sun going down - "fingers of silver and arrows of gold" - I could actually picture it in my mind's eye.
Thanks for the entertaining poll. Polls are my "I need to stop and take a break" opportunity at WDC. I always look for one that interests me (yours did,) is clearely written (again, your did) and offers lots of choices (again, yup!)
My only disappointment was I was looking for the opportunity to choose "Cat" - slinky, sneaky, independent
I was having a very bad night, and spotted this poll on my way into WDC. Too funny and too cool! I am so tired of the Survivor Series, and this, what I assume is a bit of a poke at Survivor, is just the thing to wake people up about the over done "reality TV" shows.
Now, as to the results... I think I might have to disagree with anyone who doesn't think that Gilligan would win. He is such a buffoon - seems to me that when you are that stunned, you can't help but survive just through plain dumb luck!!
First Impression
This poem is very dark and full of pain. I could feel it in every syllable that I read.
Flow / Content
The poem is very fluid. Your choice of layout enhances this fluidity. Good job.
Grammar and Technical
I think for poetry, I may need to rename this to Rhyme and Grammar.
It felt as though the rhyme was off with these two lines:
I fall further into darkness
I plunge into the abyss
I didn't really find that darkness and abyss rhymed very well.
On the whole, though, I thought your rhyming was good, and your choice of words was creative.
A spelling thing ...
I have no where to start -- "no where" should read nowhere
I do have one question, and it might be just my own interpretation of the poem. There is a line in there talking about "killing it slowly with my knife". Is this line referring to the person using the knife on themselves? If so, you might want to re-examine your rating of "E" for your poem and look at the "ASR" rating.
Overall
This poem is full of emotion, and is clearly written from the heart. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to reading more of your work. Good luck in the "Invalid Item" .
First Impression
The story to be told here, is one which people can relate to, either as an adult/parent or maybe as a teenager who might find themselves in this situation. A great story with a lesson at the end - the classic kind of story!
Flow
The flow of this story is very natural and flows easily from one conversation to the next.
Grammar and Technical
I would highly recommend returning to the edit and checking out spelling. There are a number of them located throughout the story. What would otherwise be a very good story is detracted from because of these mistakes.
Near the end, please take a look at the spacing. I believe that each conversation should start a new paragraph.
Lastly, it felt like the story was ended in a hurry. This was the only part of the whole story that did not seem to flow for me. I must also confess that I wondered about the reality of whether someone would actually associate with a upperclassman during their first year of highschool. I had a difficult time reconciling this with my own experience.
I enjoyed the variety of language. My favourite parts were where you used words like "squeaked," "lectured" and "exclaimed" instead of "said." For me, these words were ones which instantly conveyed the emotion that was being expressed during the conversation.
Overall
What I really like about this story is the realness of the topic being discussed. I could actually envision and hear the conversations that happen when good little girls associate with the 'bad boys.' No matter what the things are that I see could improve the story, I think this is a very valuable and important story to tell. You have done a great job of personalizing it and telling it in a way that could spark interest among even the most disinterested reader. I can't wait for more!
First Impression
A very well written piece. I wanted to finish, even though I was unsure of what the end would bring.
Flow
The flow and form of the essay are masterful. I love the way that each landmark along the way is clearly described, and in such a concise, precise manner, so that it is almost as though the reader is taken back to those events themselves. I could hear just faintly in my head the actual radio and tv news shows as the announcers described those world altering events.
Grammar and Technical
No problems noted here.
Overall
I enjoyed the essay despite my lack of knowledge in religious scripture. I think that the imagery used paints a pretty clear picture of the story to be told. An awesome, thought provoking read. Thanks.
First Impression
This is a beautifully written piece of poetry with a simple, clear and moving message. Once the first verse was read, I wanted to continue on and see the conclusion
Flow
The flow of the verse was very smooth and inviting. Reading from start to finish, nothing seemed out of place or disjointed. Good job.
I also very much enjoyed the physical layout of the poem. Ample lines between each verse helped to separate out each verse. I also really liked the view of each line, in each verse starting out short and then getting longer and longer .... this presentation, which not only added to the effectiveness of the poem, also serves to draw the reader naturally down the length of the poem - from verse to verse.
Grammar and Technical
Grammar wise, the poem was good. Excellent use of commas to cue the reader to stop and pause, and to enhance the rhythm.
I had a little difficulty with the line:
"Field of icy clover"
First, I had a difficult time envisioning what was meant by "icy clover" You might try to experiment a little with different words if the purpose is to keep the rhyming pattern, and you wish to maintain the word "over" in the next line.
I found this line broke the rhythm that was so carefully cultivated in the poem. I suspect what has happened is the other verses tend to keep a pattern of alternating emphasis on the syllables ... but this line does not maintain that pattern. I tried reading through the poem several times, and this is the only verse which really throws off that rhythmic chant that can be seen through the rest of the poem.
There is one other line that interrupts the rhythm and it can be easily fixed:
"A wheel (that) would not steer."
Adding the word "that" remedies the problem and keeps the emphasis pattern.
I did not spot any spelling errors.
Overall
I like it. I enjoyed it and I'll probably go read it again. I did not have to struggle to understand the meaning of the poem. Just a few little tweaks here and there, and the poem will be well on it's way to a higher rating. Great job!
First impression
I enjoyed reading this piece. The writing is on a topic that most people can relate to, and can do so without trying to stretch the bounds of one's imagination.
Flow
The actual flow of the document from introduction - what the story is about, to conclusion is very natural and well thought out. I liked the humorous ending as it made me smile.
Grammar and Technical
On the technical side, I found the first line to be a little bit awkward. Sentence structure could be examined, but I think if the words were tweaked just a little bit, then the sentence would be clearer and easier to understand. The question is was the realization a part of motherhood, or did motherhood finally hit home because of the realization. A subtle difference that I am unable to pin down exactly. You might also take a quick look at the line which says "At this point ... " - you should probably follow this with a comma.
Overall
Over all, I think this is a good piece of writing. It's a pleasant, yet humorous topic. People will want to read it because they will know exactly what the writer is talking about.
A very beautifully written piece that stirs of feelings of regret and a desire to hang on to those things in the past which have sustained one through life. And, at the same time, there is a recognition and resignation that to progress on and appreciate life, there will be sad times.
Overall, I loved the way that this piece flowed. The introduction sets the mood for the rest of the piece, and the conclusion, which could have easily ended in all things being terrible, allows the reader to come to terms with the natural progress of life.
Gramatically, the piece appears sound to me. The use of italics to emphasis important points is excellent and helps to focus the reader on what the key questions are.
Good job. I read it feeling said and relating to what was being said, but was left with a glimmer of hope that these changes that occur in life, occur for good reason.
Poetry is a very subjective thing - people either like it or they don't; it's either too long or too short; And there seems to be no rhyme or reason to why people feel this way about poetry.
I like this piece. It's very short. It's very direct. I didn't have to speculate about what the poem is trying to tell me. I didn't have to guess at the feelings.
Because it is so simple and to the point, I felt exactly what I think the poem was talking about - sadness. The words are so plain and so stark, that they are perfect.
The question was difficult to read, and maybe a different wording would help. However, this is an excellent question, and personally, I do not know that I could ever answer this question with anything but "I don't know the answer" Circumstance, personal views, politics, and the influence of people around you, will have a tremendous impact on whether or not I would continue with my current religion or covert back to that which I was taught earlier.
As a side note, I also believe that this question could be asked of anybody who has made a shift from what they were raised to believe, to what they believe now.
All right. I suggest that if someone wants to read this interactive story that you do not start late at night. Chapter eight, and I'm going to have to come back tomorrow because I want to know how the story could end. Interactive stories were great when we were kids, and I am intrigued and enthusastic about revisiting this type of story again. Engaging ... and an invitation to read the story again and again to explore the different avenues of adventure and possible endings.
I like it. It's simple. It's easy to read. It's easy to understand. Amazing that you have managed to so simply define what one can do to find happiness.
By talking about the dictionary difinitions and the vague definitions that others give for happiness, the 'wham bam' simplicity of the answer has more impact.
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It would make it much easier for the people who want to read your item to be able to do so without feeling pulled in several directions.
Write On! and I will be keeping an eye on your port.
As someone who has been throug something similar (albeit not the same,) I want to thank you for taking the time to share this with others.
I was having a very bad night, and spotted this poll on my way into WDC. Too funny and too cool! I am so tired of the Survivor Series, and this, what I assume is a bit of a poke at Survivor, is just the thing to wake people up about the over done "reality TV" shows.
I do have one question, and it might be just my own interpretation of the poem. There is a line in there talking about