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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bardbear
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11 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Misty Roses  
Review by Howard Rue
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hey Ms. Valerie,

It's amazing the amount of emotional walllop you packed into such a tiny space. It is evident to a reader like myself, that you were experiencing some of this emotion in some manner when you authored this. It's evident and powerful.

Some things to clean up? Really minor, but there's a contradiction in that first paragraph that happens so early that it interrupts the flow of the piece and a reader might stumble before the smoother parts. You mention the dark of the night. Then "morning dew." Is it morning or night? You can have dew at night, I realized. But the term "morning' made me think this experience happened during the transition from the night to morning. Was that your intent? You may wish to clarify.

"Warm as his touch," was great figurative language. More of that.

You seem to use commas a bit too much and there's much happening between the subject of a given sentence and the end of it. The example that comes to mind? "She turned away, a small tear disobeying her orders in the process, leaking down her cheek, shining in the moonlight and leading the boy around her lie." Such a sentence might be writen as, "She turned away. A small tear disobeyed her order in the process. It leaked down her cheek, shining in the moonlight. It lead the boy around her lie." Otherwise, such sentences lead to a more passive approach and break down the chunks of story.

At least for me. Try reading it aloud should you wish to edit and see if that smooths things out.

Otherwise? Awesome. In honesty? It's too short! I just got into it and...done.

Argh!

Good luck. Keep writing
2
2
Review by Howard Rue
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
WAIT...it doesn't end!!!!

You MUST continue this.

I can't, I don't, DUDE, finish this.

3
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Review of new home  
Review by Howard Rue
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Okay, this works, it really works.

Good stuff, my friend. I will note that the pace is uneven, in need of some shifting between the protagonist and the setting at an equal rate. I noticed you didn't get too deep, leaving open the reader's exploration to the same time as John's.

He missed his teammates. What about families at home?

And who made the mistake of flying too close to the second sun? Or was it just an uncalculated risk?

Good stuff, keep it moving!
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Review of Revelations  
Review by Howard Rue
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A great piece of writing, in that I really felt there was some prior thought about where this was going and it came to a natural, organic, conclusion. Very good. In all honesty? I kinda could see this become something of a larger piece, expanded into novella format, but there'd need to be some changes for that to happen.

There's some hiccups in the timeline. Now, grant you, I might have just missed something. I'm reading this quickly, one time through, so I'll just go ahead and apologize ahead of time if I missed something blantantly obvious. I get the impression that they are lying next to each other when they first meet in the loft, even though Mathius has brought food (how did he get that out of the house, totally?). I had to reread it and see they had not had a quick moment of whoopie and Tad was snoozing afterwards...that might want to be ironed out a bit more, but it's okay.

Most people in the Hudderite community are allowed complete freedom at 18, away from their faith, a weird time called Rumspringa, or the Devil's Playground. They usuall buy a house and the youth go there. They indulge in a great many things, free from the church, and, after a period of time, are allowed to come back, if they so choose. A time of sowing some wild oats, as it were. Why hasn't Mathuis gone through this? He would know he was gay at that point-the Amish and Plain People are a bit more accepting of this in manners I don't totally understand-and he may have already suggested to his father about it.

I'm unsure if Tad is part of the parrish that Mathuis is part of or wholly an outsider, or, well, they'd probably call him "an Englishman." A suggestion would be that he truly is an outside of Mat's culture. And you can illustrate it with the language. Mathius' language is a bit more like I would expect other kids his age speak-when, in reality, he'd be more steeped in the culture and probably speak more formally than Tad, and break off common German phrases on occasion.

Whatever the case may be? YOu have something here. Maybe flesh it out more, if you're interested too.

Good luck!

Keep writing.

5
5
Review of Falling  
Review by Howard Rue
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Paradox,

I just have say, well, I'm impressed. A previous job made me review items beyond the screen, in the real world, so I rarely, if ever ventured out to look at others' works without monetary purpose.

Until today.

And I started here.

What a strong piece you've composed. There's a sense of place and time, there's a stream of consciousness. It's so good, I doubt my critique will help much. But you have something here. It's not story-length material, however, by it's very nature. For one, you start, right from the get-go, with the story and send him on his way, so we can join him on his life-story...downwards. However, two dings appear in your story which remind us of our own realities and pull us away from the overall tale. You used two cliches-and seems like you were aware of them and were tyring to smooth them over. But there is a sense of "his life flashed before his eyes," and, while that may be true, it needs to be a bit less evident. People review their lives, especialy when the end is so right in front of them. That's a given. Watch the parallel form of the mention "like a movie."

The second cliche that becomes readily apparent? "brave-hearted folk dare not tread?" Might wish to hit a theasaurus and bring about another way of looking at something we've seen before and heard before.

Otherwise? Your story is excellent, truly. When time allows, I might drift over and look at some of your other tales.

Keep writing.
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