*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bardgoddess
Review Requests: ON
46 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Minerva  
Review by Miranda Foix
Rated: E | (4.5)
Specific Lines
"Together they acted as one, not exactly reading each others thoughts, but knowing without thought. A synchronous pair." - I like this idea.

"Minerva enjoyed each and every insight into her mind's eye." - Are the paintings insights into her mind's eye, or the mind's eye of the artist?

"By and by the forest destroyed the building and reclaimed Minerva." - Nice

"As she slid into that small space the girl grabbed a hold of Minerva's leg. / Minerva bellowed, her voice bringing silence to the forest. She stretched her wings as far as she could, relishing the feel of her muscles once more." - This is pretty epic but I wanted a little more description. I had to read this part twice to understand that the touch of the girl brought her back, so to speak. I'd love to read a sentence or two of Minerva becoming breaking out of the marble, or turning back into flesh and scales.

Overall Thoughts

Plot
I like the overall plot and the idea of a dragon being bonded to a queen who is reborn.

Characters
Telling the story from the dragon's point of view is awesome. I'd love to see a little bit more into her mind in terms of what she thinks about her situation, but I love the little vignettes as time passes-- it gives a truly epic sense of time.

As A Whole
I really enjoyed reading this. It feels like a prologue to novel that would follow Azaya and Minerva on their adventures. Thank you for sharing it!

My Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


Another new reviewer sig



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of The Dialogue 500  
Review by Miranda Foix
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I always thought this was such a clever idea for a contest. I'm so glad to see that it's still running, since I've been gone for quite a while. I also like how you've written out the rules. It gives it a friendly tone and makes them more enjoyable to read.

Thanks for doing this every month. Keep up the good work!
3
3
Review of Don't go  
Review by Miranda Foix
Rated: E | (4.5)
Specific Lines
- "No matter what I dialed" - "When" might be better than "what" on this line. The "what" felt a little off to me.

- "Cause they remind me of just you." - The "just feels out of place, especially with the rhythm you've established. You may want to consider simply removing it.

- "As this darker day is dawning." - Beautiful imagery.

- "I fear the day that I wake up // And my Daddy is not there." - *gentle sobbing* Beautiful line! *Sob*


Overall Thoughts

Imagery
The focus on the small things that would be missed (frisbee, football, burnt breakfast) is just perfect. I think that's a large part of what elicits emotion in the reader, since these are the types of things that everyone can relate to.

Emotion
Brought a tear to my eye! This is a very touching poem, clearly written from the heart.

Rhythm
Consistent rhyme scheme that generally flowed very smoothly (with the one exception noted above).

As A Whole
Overall I felt that this is a beautiful, touching piece that I think many of us can relate to. Thank you very much for sharing it with us. It takes no small amount of courage to share something so personal. *Smile*


My Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


My new reviewing signature for the new me


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of I'll Stay As Me  
Review by Miranda Foix
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Mari!

Overall Thoughts

Emotion
Clearly a very personal poem, it exudes confidence in a "I am what I am so deal with it" kind of way, which I like. It has attitude! *Bigsmile*

Rhythm
Rhyme scheme was flawless, and couldn't find any trouble with the pattern. Perfect rhythm.

As A Whole
I really like the tone you've set for this poem. People should always feel comfortable being who they really are, and the fact that you've written a poem to say just that is great! My only comments are regarding the first stanza. You have some commas in lines two through four that don't need to be there. You could just say, "What am I, if not me? / What do you think I should be? / Will you like what you see? / If I show you the real me..." Otherwise I love the poem, and I thank you for sharing such a personal piece with everyone.


My Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


Another new reviewer sig

5
5
Review of Soliloquy  
Review by Miranda Foix
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Specific Lines
-"Thoughts of it brings me to tears." -Should be "Thoughts of it bring me..."

-"Here it comes, looking for prey." -Nice. I like the sense that it's stalking you. *Smirk*

Overall Thoughts

Imagery
Excellent! The repetition of the various images makes this piece. You have "inevitable," "unavoidable," and "unexpected" in the first three stanzas, and crying appears at the beginning and the end, rounding the poem out. Not to mention repeating the word "Death" as the third line of every stanza. Well done!

Emotion
The fear and uncertainty come through very nicely here. Again, I think the repetition helped.

Rhythm
Again, thank you for including the rhyme scheme and syllable counts at the bottom. I appreciate it! In my (not so) expert opinion, the rhythm was flawless.

As A Whole
Overall, I have no complaints whatsoever. I liked the rhythm and the repetition employed, and even the topic (yeah, ok, I'm a little dark... but it's interesting!). Great job with this poem! I hope it placed in the poetry challenge. *Smile*


My Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


My new reviewing signature for the new me

6
6
Review of No More  
Review by Miranda Foix
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Mari!

Specific Lines
-"...face dripping with blood; / but feeling no pain..." -A deeply chilling ending to a frightening poem. o_O

Overall Thoughts

Imagery
Vivid -- mainly explored through the use of emotions (see below)*Down*

Emotion
I'm not sure you could pack more emotion into a poem if you tried. It seemed to me there was a lot of horror and sadness, but also a lot of relief, which is a difficult combination to pull off. Very nice!

Rhythm
Thank you for including information on the pattern and rhyme scheme as a note at the bottom of your poem -- I'm not great with poetry, so I appreciated the extra info. *Smile* That said, I like that you went with word patterns rather than syllables, however it did cause a few of the lines to feel either too long or too short, depending on how many syllables each word contained.

As A Whole
Overall this was an incredibly vivid and well written poem. The emotions within the piece were palpable and knotted my stomach with the conflict. I also liked the unusual pattern used for the poem, although I felt that it didn't always work perfectly. Thank you for writing and sharing this poem.


My Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


My new reviewing signature for the new me

7
7
Review of Men in Black  
Review by Miranda Foix
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A Simply Positive review!


Specific Lines
(From the intro) "The prompts: Story must be contain a yardstick, a spider web and a rocking chair" - Ha! What a random assortment of objects. I can't wait to see what you do with this! Oh how I do love flash fiction. *Smile*


Overall Thoughts

Plot
Hysterical! Especially for only having 300 words to work with. Made me laugh aloud more than once. *Laugh*

Characters
You develop these characters so completely within such a short space, it's brilliant! The words you chose, even those not contained within the dialog, help to both set the scene and show the reader what we should expect from the characters. For example, stating that "Jeb pointed over toward the south forty..."? Priceless! Not to mention that your two named characters are Jeb and Thelma...

As A Whole
Extremely well written. I couldn't find any spelling or grammatical errors (at least not any that weren't intentional), nor can I think of any suggestions for improvement. I'd definitely recommend this story to anyone who wants a quick read and a good laugh!


My Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


Another sig for reviewing for different WDC groups

8
8
Review of White Fire  
Review by Miranda Foix
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A Simply Positive review!


Overall Thoughts

Imagery
Very clear and extremely precise imagery.

Emotion
Um... yes, well there is that. It is readily apparent and admittedly contagious. *Blush* Well done indeed!

Rhythm
Freeform, as near as I can tell... granted poetry has never been my strong suit. Regardless, I have a personal tendency to be irked by poems where I can not sense an apparent rhythm or rhyme scheme, but your poem is a most definite exception. Whatever the form here, it works quite well. I have no complaints whatsoever. *Smile*

As A Whole
Although no particular line or stanza jumped out at me from the rest, I felt drawn in and mesmerized by the poem as a whole. It flows together nicely, each stanza building perfectly on the last.


My Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


Another sig for reviewing for different WDC groups
9
9
Review by Miranda Foix
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A review from Simply Positive!


Specific Lines
"...and the air cleared up..." - Ha! That actually made me laugh. Well done.

Overall Thoughts

Plot
Short, sweet, and to the point. A very interesting idea for a story! And I think enough people have seen, or at least are familiar with, the movie, that it works quite well.

Characters
I like that John Wayne is all hardcore grit and everything, just like his famous characters.

As A Whole
Overall I think this is a very unique story, definitely good for a chuckle! My only comments are to watch out for unnecessary capitalization and for repetition. For example, you capitalize all the words in John Wayne's famous line, both throughout the story and in his head when he thinks it to himself at the end. I'm guessing this may be for emphasis, but you should consider italics rather than capitalization. Also, you use the phrase "say the word" very often. Consider changing one or two instances of this. For example, "...Just as John was about to finish the line..." etc. Just to mix things up a bit.

Great job crafting this unique take on a classic scene. Well done!

My Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


Another sig for reviewing for different WDC groups

10
10
Review of Spellbound  
Review by Miranda Foix
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Mari! You're receiving this review as part of the package you won from "Invalid Item.


Specific Lines
- "Spellbinding sea, / I am your loyal slave." - Beautiful line. I sort of which this was the first stanza in the poem, as I think it sets things up beautifully!

- "The darkened skies will soon be clear. / There's nothing left to fear. / Spellbinding sea, / peaceful waters are near." - Nicely written. The storm is coming to an end in this penultimate stanza.

Overall Thoughts

Imagery
The imagery in this poem is very clear and powerful. The repetition of "spellbinding sea" adds to the vivid imagery and very real emotion spread throughout the poem.

Emotion
The awe and longing for the beauty/power of the ocean is very strong throughout this piece.

Rhythm
Very nice rhyme scheme -- I especially love the rhyme used in the third stanza. So cool! Also, flawless syllable count. *Smile*

As A Whole
Overall I think this is an excellent poem. I enjoyed reading it very much. My only comment is that in two of the stanzas, you use the "ee" sound as the rhyme scheme, but that causes all four lines in the stanza to rhyme instead of only the first, second, and fourth (since every third line is "spellbinding sea). The rhyme scheme still works, but I found these two stanzas to be a little jarring to my ear.

I think this is an incredibly well-written poem and you clearly took some incredible inspiration from the quote mentioned at the bottom. Great job!


My Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


Another new reviewer sig

11
11
Review of Auto-Bio Poem  
Review by Miranda Foix
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Thankstaking shrimp stuffing !


Overall Thoughts

I'm so glad you let me know when you had a chance to go through and revise these poems!!! I really enjoyed reading them the second time through and seeing where you fixed some spelling and grammar and where you added a note or two to help the reader. I also like the new dividers that you've added to separate the poems.

It's clear that you've taken different comments and critiques that you've received and have really put some work into revising the poems. They look great, sound great, and make more sense to me over all. Much improved! Keep up the good work! *Bigsmile*

Peace,

Miranda


My NEW Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


A reviewer sig to show my group affiliations
12
12
Review of A Winter's Tale  
Review by Miranda Foix
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Gabriella!

Specific Lines
- "Birds find shelter in the feathery / branches that spring from the wide girth of the aging / pines." - I really like this description. Using the word "feathery" to describe the branches where the birds nest is very nice touch.

- " The stars turn away from / the sight of one of nature's own, bloodied and half buried in the snow." - I'll admit that this part through me off a little. I think I expected the poem to come back around and give a little more time on this part. Mainly, I expected to find out exactly what is bloodied and half-buried. Then again, I'm not really a poet and was never good at just leaving things unanswered. *Wink*


Overall Thoughts

Imagery
The description of this poem is "a winter tableau" and you have certainly accomplished that. I'm from New England (Maine) originally, and I found your imagery to be accurate and very reminiscent of a New England winter.

Emotion
Excellent job with the emotion in this piece as well. There was, for me, a sense of awe at the beauty of winter, but also something akin to sorrow for the darker aspects of the season.

Rhythm
A free-form poem -- it suits this piece very nicely.

As A Whole
Overall I really enjoyed reading this poem. I think that 'bloodied' part threw me for a loop, but I know it was part of the darker side of things within the poem. I found myself either wanting more or less here, but was unsatisfied with the level in between. I think you have a gift for imagery, and you use it expertly. Great job!


My Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


Another new reviewer sig

13
13
Review of Noise  
Review by Miranda Foix
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Joy! Below is a review via Simply Positive!


Specific Lines
- "You crave noise / to deny / the existence / of your own voice, / quivering / with hunger / to be heard." - Wow. I found this to be an incredibly powerful line, perfect for the end of this poem.


Overall Thoughts

Imagery
This poem has very vivid imagery that gets your point across without actually saying it directly. I especially like how you format the lines to compliment the imagery.

Emotion
The emotion of this poem (I think) comes across loud and clear. It sounds like the speaker wants to help the object of the poem, but the speaker is annoyed and frustrated that they keep seeking out this "noise" to hide from themselves. It feels like this has been a recurring problem that the speaker has been dealing with for some time.

Rhythm
Jagged and off-beat, but perfect for the subject of the poem. I have no complaints or criticisms regarding the rhythm. I think it's extremely appropriate for this piece.

As A Whole
Overall I really like this poem. I especially like how the first 'stanza' is so long and almost seems to ramble on. It helps to convey the speaker's frustration, but it also fits well with the whole "noise" concept that is the focus of the piece. The broken lines and off-set rhythm also go along with the "noise" of the poem. Great job!


My Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


Simply Positive Reviewers signature.
14
14
Review of Lost  
Review by Miranda Foix
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi RatDog! This review is to say Thank You! for your recent donation to RAOK.


Specific Lines
- "...sunshine on my shoulders... that was a song once, wasn't it?" - Not only did this first line make me smile, but it also sets the mood for the rest of the piece very nicely. It sets the stage for the other song references and quotes that come into play later.

Overall Thoughts

Plot

Short but sweet. You tell the story in so few words, but you do it brilliantly. At first I was confused by some of the lines. For example, I was wondering how the narrator could say that he hadn't been there for years in one sentence and then two lines later say that he'd never been there before. But when I got to the end of the piece, everything came rushing together and it all made sense. That is the mark of a well-told story.


Characters

The character of the grandfather is extremely touching. It's difficult to say what it would be like in the mind of someone with Alzheimer's (or dementia), but I can easily imagine that it would be something like what you've written here.

We don't get any descriptions of the mother or the grandson, but that's ok by me, since it's not really about them anyway. They're just there to provide the context.


As A Whole

There were no spelling or grammatical errors that I noticed.

This piece is unique for a number of reasons. For one, it's told entirely through dialog, either spoken or internal. It's often difficult to tell a story in this fashion, but here you've provided enough details and description to allow me to visualize what's going on. It's written beautifully and I cannot think of a single thing to do differently. Great job.

My Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


My new reviewing signature for the new me

15
15
Review of Auto-Bio Poem  
Review by Miranda Foix
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Omni! This review is for the Simply Positive group! Thank you for sharing your poems with everyone. They were a pleasure to read.

Specific Lines
Auto-bio Poem
-"Artistic, friendly, intelligent, and somewhat organzed" - ...somewhat organized

- "Who fins happiness in swimming" - finds happiness...

- "Resident of the deepest part in the abyss" - Oh! Nice closer. I was not expecting the dark twist at the end. I like it. :)

Where I am From
-"The African-Violets tat bloom all over" - ...Violets that bloom...

- "I'm from NE and mountais" - Is "NE" New England? Nebraska? North East? Add the "n" in mountains.

- "Piis out of the pod" - Peas?

Lincoln High Marching Band
- "BANG BOOM" - I like how the onomatopoeias break up the rhythm of the poem. And excellent touch.

- "...as in a new rhyme, foward..." - ...forward...

Poetry is...
- "Hidden iside rocks / Sunken iside a pirate ship / Full of large words that is written in a dictionary" - inside rocks... inside a pirate ship... words that are written...

Silent Night
- "train heading west crashed, / and fell into a river." - Another twist I wasn't expecting from the poem. Very nice!

Overall Thoughts
Since this is a collection of poems, I'm going to give you my thoughts on each one before summing things up.

Auto-bio poem
Clearly a personal piece. I like the repetition of the "who" at the beginning of many of the lines. In my opinion, one of the stronger poems in this collection

Where I am From
This is my favorite poem of the collection and, I feel, the strongest. I don't know if you need the little dividers between the stanzas -- maybe just a line break. The typos in this poem (see the specific lines above) were distracting, but I still felt that I got a strong sense of the speaker in this poem.

Lincoln High Marching Band
This poem didn't seem to flow as well as some of the others, though I'm not sure why. I liked the "BANG BOOM" interjected between lines so I don't think that's what did it. Also, not sure I understood the last stanza when the band "go low into the hole." Also, watch the subject/verb agreement in that last stanza.

Poetry is...
I love this poem because every sentence can begin with "Poetry is," EXCEPT the eighth line (Breaks the rules but not caught). I was really into the feel and rhythm of this poem until I hit that line, and then it just threw me off. Consider making this line fit the scheme of the others to avoid jarring the reader. Even though there is something to be said for the poem to break its own rules, my sense is that the poem will be stronger if it follows the form laid out at the beginning.

Silent Night
I have to say that I didn't care for this poem as much as some of the others. Maybe it's the novelist in me, but I felt that you could have turned this into a brilliant piece of flash fiction. As a poem though, I found myself scratching my head throughout.

Spinach
I like this one. It's straightforward yet entirely true. Honestly written. My only comment here is that I think you could have compared the boiling spinach to grubs earlier in the poem and perhaps added one or two further comparisons.

Butterflies
Another truthful and straightforward little poem. Again, I don't know how I feel about the little divider line. Also, I didn't get much emotion out of this poem. It felt more like an accurate (and beautiful) description, but I didn't get anything about how the speaker feels about the butterflies.

Fiction for You
I like this poem (being more of a fiction writer myself!) and I like how you flow through the different things that are attractive about fiction. I'm not sure I understand why some of the text is in red, but I didn't find it too distracting from the poem itself. Overall, nicely written.

Overall
As a collection, I enjoyed reading these and think you have some heartfelt pieces in here. You need to work a bit on spelling and grammar (a quick run through spellcheck will catch most of the issues), but otherwise I thought everything was well written. I'll also admit that poetry is often not my strong suit, especially when it's more free-form, so I tried to do my best here. As with any review, these are solely my opinions and should be taken with a grain of salt or less. Let me know if you polish up the spelling and I'll be happy to come by and take another look. :)


My Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


Simply Positive Reviewers signature.
16
16
Review by Miranda Foix
Rated: E | (5.0)
A brilliant concept that is clearly doing great things for deserving members around WDC. I wish I had the time to run a project like this. You have my undying gratitude and respect for taking on such a feat. Please keep up the thoroughly awesome and amazing work that you do.

My only comments on the items themselves is that the difference between REVIEW PACKAGE and REVIEW PACKAGE #2 is a 10k AwardIcon versus a 25K AwardIcon, but the difference in the package prices is 20k (20k for the REVIEW PACKAGE and 40k for REVIEW PACKAGE #2). Just something you may want to look into for consistency. :) Also, on the ULTIMATE PACKAGE, you list "a 3000K Gift Certificate." I think you mean a 3,000 gift certificate, as 3000k is 3 million.

Great job!

My Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

A sig for when I run around reviewing.

17
17
Review of Witch Trials  
Review by Miranda Foix
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Specific Lines
- "It was not my place to question why we were being punished, just to know that we were." - This is an excellent line. I think this sums up the general puritan ideology of that time frame perfectly. This really sets the scene for your story.

- "Some of the townspeople had opposed to the trials..." - I think this should be "were opposed to the trials" or "had opposed the trials."

Overall Thoughts
What an excellent story! I love the use of the quotes to break up the paragraphs. The fact that all of the characters used, including the narrator, were actual historical figures from the Salem witch trials is impressive and fascinating. The only comment I have is that I think William Hobbs' wife and daughter were also accused of witchcraft, so it might have been interesting to see the family dynamic in the face of such accusations.

Overall a very well-written story with enough historical accuracy to be truly haunting.

My Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


Simply Positive Reviewers signature.

18
18
Review by Miranda Foix
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Specific Lines
- "...happily noticed our window opened a crack." - This sort of makes it sound like the window opened as you were looking at it. Perhaps, "...our window was open a crack."

- "...the window came down on me and I'm stuck!" - Watch out for the changing tense. Consider changing to "... and I was stuck!"

- "The giggles start,and we both need to pee." - Oh wow, I can see where this is going! LoL!

- "...my sister and I out of our dilemma." - Technically, this should be "my sister an me..." because if your sister weren't there, the sentence would be that your father "helps me out of my dilemma."

- "It was embarrassing, one of too many moments, I wish nevered happened., but still laugh over because I couldn't laugh then." - Looks like this sentence may have been edited a couple of times, as there's some rogue punctuation. I would suggest going over this last sentence again for clarity. I would suggest, "It was embarrassing! One of too many moments I wish never had happened, but I still laugh over it even now." I would delete the part about not being able to laugh then, because earlier in the tale, you describe giggling. :)

Overall Thoughts

Thank you for being brave enough to share such an embarrassing moment with the world! I got a good laugh out of the story, and could picture the whole thing in my mind. You do a great job of capturing the embarrassment of the whole situation, but the technical aspects of the story are lacking. Watch out for switching your verb tenses! You switch from past to present about halfway through. Also, be careful not to get too comma happy. I have this problem too, but often times you can get away without using a comma. Sometimes it's even better to break the sentence down into more than one. I suggest taking another look through your third and fourth paragraphs, specifically. Overall, a hysterical tale that needs a little technical polishing. Thank you so much for sharing this!


My Rating
*Star**Star**Star*


Simply Positive Reviewers signature.
Image #1063253 over display limit. -?-
19
19
Review by Miranda Foix
Rated: E | (4.0)
Eric,

A very interesting article, especially for one written at 2am. *Wink*

There are a few minor grammar and punctuation issues, but nothing overtly distracting. One major issue that you should look into is redundancy. You reference science refuting the religions as naive and primitive in multiple paragraphs without really adding anything new to this thought.

I love your chocolate chip cookie example! This is a very clever way to explain this concept in a way that everyone can wrap their minds around.

My only other major criticism is that I do not believe your argument proves that science has proven the existence of a higher power. I believe that your article is an excellent argument for the existence of a higher being, but the sad fact remains that it doesn't actually prove anything. It's really just a very interesting way at looking at the science v. religion debate.

I think your paper could be strengthened by a bit of polishing, and by getting rid of all references to proving anything. I think if you point out that this logic provides a possible explanation then you will have a much stronger argument.

Overall, a very interesting piece that can easily be made stronger. Nicely done!

Peace,

Dragon Believer
20
20
Review by Miranda Foix
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Specific Lines

- Title: should be "Dying..." not "Dieing..."

- "...what the age is; young..." - should be "...what the age is: young..."

- "What and the hell..." - should be "What in the hell..."

- "Love who you are! Are you kidding me? What a terrible message." - Do you mean this the way it sounds? That people shouldn't be happy with who they are? o_O

- "I guess I grew up clinging to a higher standard." ... "Being overweight doesn't make someone a bad person nor does it make them sub standard as human beings." - I think you just contradicted yourself here.

- "...a non existent will power to make oneself healthy." - what about people with health conditions, like thyroid problems, that make it almost impossible to lose weight? To prove your argument, you must examine all the facts.

- "...literally robing individuals..." - Should be "...robbing..."

- "I've read somewhere where this is the first generation of American's "not" expected to outlive the past generation." - Should be "I've read somewhere that... of Americans (no apostrophe)..." Also, you should provide a citation for where you read this. It's a big claim to make and needs to be supported for your argument to have any validity.

- "Due in fact to poor diet and lack of exercise." - fragment

- "Sorry but one hour a day of exercise... to maintain a healthy body, healthy mind." - Should be "Sorry, but... healthy body and (a healthy) mind." Again, this information should have a reference or citation.

- "...now 3 out of 4 have a weight issue." - reference/citation?

- "Its not rocket science..." - should be "It's not..."

- "...subsisting off of..." - should be "...subsisting on..."

- "Look it up if you don't believe it." - I'd prefer if there were references and citations in the text of where this information can be found.

- "...heres why." - should be "...here's why."

- "Why so?" - should be "Why?" or "How so?"

- "When left to mother natures true process..." - should be "... Mother Nature's..."

- "Its that simple." - should be "It's that simple."

- "American's wake up..." - you're addressing Americans here, so it should be "Americans, wake up..."

Overall Thoughts

You have a strong voice that come through in the writing, which is very important. It is clear that you feel passionately about this topic, and that shows in your writing. Good job!

There are quite a few grammatical errors that should be addressed to improve the readability of the piece. It's difficult to keep my mind focused on your argument when I keep stumbling over grammar issues.

Your argument has a lot of interesting points, but they are not as convincing without proof. People will be more inclined to listen if you can provide solid facts to back up your arguments.

-You say that 3 out of 4 kids today are overweight. I don't necessarily disagree, but where did you read this information? Was it a study in the New England Journal of Medicine (convincing!) or an Editorial in Cosmo (less convincing)?

-You say we're the first generation not expected to outlive the previous one. That's a very compelling point, but give me some data to back this up.

Also, be careful about lumping obese Americans into the "overeating and lazy" category. There are some people who suffer from thyroid issues and other medical problems that make losing weight all but impossible. I know this is not everyone, but it is something to take into consideration.

Lastly, you may want to add a section about companies and organizations that are working to fight obesity in America. There are groups like Weight Watchers, there are healthy workplace initiative sprouting up all over the nation. All is not lost!

Oh, and because you use the word "hell," this item should not be rated "E," but rather should have a rating of at least "ASR" (I think, though a moderator would be better suited to clarify this point).

Overall, your writing is strong, but could be stronger with some grammatical editing, and your arguments are strong, but could be stronger with some appropriate references.

My Rating
*Star**Star**Star*

Peace,

Dragon Believer
21
21
Review of Damaged  
Review by Miranda Foix
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
My friend, it has been a long time!

Specific Lines

- "...she automatically accuse him of cheating on her..." - Should be accused

- "...and teach me things and to help me learn." - Don't need the "to."

- "Yeah, like an 8 year old is going to know anything about packing a nutritious lunch or making it." - Could just be making or packing a nutritious lunch.

- "...nasty things Belinda had done to him and I." - Should be "him and me."

- "Belinda instigated of all of the fights." - Delete the extra "of"

- "...friends' houses'..." - Don't need the apostrophe after "houses."

- "...and they took off in her car... we were stranded overnight." - So they took you with them?

- "One day, my Belinda..." - delete the "my"

- "If mom had been watching her like she should've been..." - this is the first time (of two) you refer to her as "mom." Typos?

- "The officer came up to my grandmothers house..." - should be "grandmother's house"

- "...into my grandmothers custody." - apostrophe in "grandmother's"

- "...recapture some of my youth back..." redundant-- don't need the "back"

- "Maybe its her punishment..." - need an apostrophe in "it's"

Overall Thoughts

- Gemini, extremely emotional and truly from the heart. It's terrible that you were put through something like this, and there is no doubt at all that this story captures all of the emotion of dealing with a person so terrible.

- Keep an eye on your punctuation. You use commas in a lot of places you don't need them, making run-on sentences where you could just have two or even three smaller sentences.

- Your voice is strong and comes through loud and clear in this piece. I'm very impressed.

My Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar* due to the grammatical and punctuation errors. If you edit it for these issues, I will be happy to review it again. This is a strong piece that can be made even stronger with some attention to these areas.

Peace out,

A sig for when I run around reviewing.

22
22
Review by Miranda Foix
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Exclaim*Specific Lines

*Idea* The very last lines really resonated with me: "Now in plain sight / Do not let them touch you / The ever changing / The confused / Phantom on Pinkerton and Pinkerton." I'm not sure what it was about this one exactly that struck me, but I really enjoyed it.


*Exclaim*Overall Thoughts

Imagery
*Idea* Very nice overall. You leave enough open in the beginning to cause me to want to read more, but then you answer all the questions by the end.

*Idea* Your descriptions of phantoms are excellent! You avoid the cliches that are so easy to use and overuse. Great job!

Emotion
*Idea* To be honest, I'm not sure what emotion this poem left me with, but I enjoyed it. It made me want to reread it, to get a better sense of what you were talking about in the beginning.

As A Whole
*Idea* I like what you've done here. The piece flows nicely and has a good pace. I enjoyed the slight sense of confusion and then resolution at the end.

*Idea* This is a very nice poem. Great job!


My Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Reviewed by:

*Snow3*Dragon Believer*Snow3*

A sig for when I run around reviewing.

23
23
Review of The Little Voice  
Review by Miranda Foix
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Exclaim*Specific Lines

spelling errors in red
grammatical errors in green
my suggestions in light blue

*Idea* "'But it wasn’t me.' Jamie explained..." - Should be "'...wasn't me,' Jamie explained..."

*Idea* "Inside all children there is a little voice that tells them what to do, most (Should be a period.) of the time it is not the right thing though. Jamie was no exception. An energetic 8-year-old (insert a comma here) she was always up to trouble and every time she blamed her invisible friend (Another comma here) Bilbo for what she was accused of."

*Idea* "...and it was more difficult to persuade them that it is okay to do these things." - You should try to keep the same tense here, either past or present. *Smile*

*Idea* "Bilbo preferred the sky blue pencils; they tasted like chamomile and spearmint to the tiny mischief elf." - Hehehe! I like the idea that he eats colored pencils. Very cute!

*Idea* "With perfect precision he aimed towards the girls ear." - You want the possessive here which would be "the girl's ear."

*Idea* "These small voices that tells you..." - Should be "...that tell you..."


*Exclaim*Overall Thoughts

Plot

*Idea* The idea of this story is very cute. I like the idea of some little elf causing trouble like this. If you wanted to, you could include one or two other instances of Bilbo's troublemaking, just to emphasize the types of things he does.

Characters

*Idea* I think adding a few more bits of troublemaking on Bilbo's part could add a lot of characterization for all three of the characters. But for so short a story, your characters are very well defined. Good job!

As A Whole

*Idea* You have many very short sentences, especially in the sixth paragraph. In general this is not a bad thing, especially for a children's story, but if you are going to include many short sentences, you should try to vary the way they begin a little more. ^_^

*Idea* Keep an eye on your use of commas. You seem to use them a lot when a semicolon or a period might be better. It all depends on the length of the stop you need. And don't forget that you need commas when you have a list of descriptions, like "with her big, innocent, puppy dog eyes."

*Idea* Overall I think this is a very cute idea for a story. It's great for children, but I think you just need to do a bit of work with the grammar and punctuation. You're off to a great start here!

My Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


Reviewed by:
*Snow3*Dragon Believer*Snow3*

I'm a member of Scribbler's Fantasy Writing Group, and proud of it!

23 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bardgoddess