This is a good narrative poem, easy to follow, even though you do not spell out all of the "chapters."
I like the rhyme scheme and meter...good job.
This is only a little thing, and may not indicate any change. There were two lines that I found a bit "strained"...as if you were "reaching" to keep the rhyme scheme: "Will never from me sway"; this might be "Will never ever sway".
The second one was "Calmly in my arms lay". I don't see a ready way to make it sound more natural and flowing.
Thanks for submitting your poem to "Inspirations" and good luck in the judging.
You have excellent descriptive ability...one of the marks of a good poet. I felt like I was in the room or outside, experiencing your Grandma.
You brought in all of the nostalgia and sweet memories without making it negative. You wrote about something you cared deeply about, and this is always a good idea.
This is a very good poem! It is fun, humorous and sort of wistful. You did a great job on the rhyme scheme. When you are rhyming you want to avoid "strained" words or phrases that were placed in the poem ONLY to achieve the rhyme...your words and phrases were natural and well chosen.
I would NOT fret over the meter! This is a bit of a casual poem, and it does not require that meter be consistent and balanced.
If you wanted to achieve a more balanced meter, you could take stanza four and do something like this:
And so she watched, day after day
The times her son went out to play.
He always talked to someone else
Although she only saw himself.
But see? It doesn't make it any better or more enjoyable.
Thank you for submitting your fine poem to "Inspirations."
Well done! This is a well written poem with strong meaning. I personally like your consistent rhyme scheme. The meter varies in places, but basically it is smooth.
You address a subject that many of your readers will identify with...a time when the inner light dims, for no apparent reason. And you resolve this issue with faith and courage.
Again, thanks for a very enjoyable read, and good luck in the judging.
Thank for for submitting your excellent poem to "Inspirations". Again you have written a thoughtful and intelligent piece.
I like that you reveal such insight into human nature, and the battle that goes on within man to "harness" "win" and "subdue".
It is also quite a feat that you keep the strict 7-6-7-6 format, without straining with your words to do so. This gives the poem an easy "gait" and readabilty.
Thank you for submitting your excellent poem to "Inspirations".
I like this a lot! It immediatley captured my attention and held it to the end. You ask important questions here, but you do not directly attack anyone.
There is also some wry humor that appeals to me: "They can 'abandon pursuit of all things evil', and then manipulate the truth."
I noticed one tiny typographical error. In the thrid stanza, first line, you said "How is that" and it should have been "how is it that."
Thanks for submitting your excellent poem to "Inspirations."
This is a poem of hope. I like the way you control the emotions from resigned desperation back to confident hope, and even proud of your well earned scars.
You also demonstrate the ability to control the rhyme and meter without appearing strained to do so. I like that.
My favorite line is:
"And my darkness turns to light
My heart lifts a veil."
"I'm not the whole person I want to be, but I am putting the pieces of me back, bit by bit.
I am learning to say NO. I was always afraid of offending someone"
You and I might be ancient kin. I have some good news for you...at 65, those pieces come together quite nicely!
You must have forgotten the most important part: "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." Or put in your own word: more intuitive; more discerning; more cagy; more determined, etc etc. Let's face it: the man upstairs created the female with a brain slightly advanced over the male. We're just little lambs who have gone astray...at the mercy of the more deadly females!
I believe that day is much closer than we realize...if Washington weren't afraid to TALK to Iran, then what is there that would be so hard to resolve.
If Washington could realize that bombing Iraq is only confirming what so many of those people already believe...we are a big fat evil place; if Washington could meet ANY nation with respect and honor, then your day would be much closer that we realize.
Thanks for a tremendous piece with deep significance.
THANK YOU for submitting this excellent piece to "Inspirations." You are one of the key reasons this little forum brings such joy to the creators and the judges!
This is hauntingly beautiful. It goes straight into my heart, and it finds a welcome place there.
Favorite line:
"there's respite from the noise parade,
stone silence where I lay."
"Respite"...here is a word I like, and don't see on a regular basis. Thanks for that.
My very favorite thing about your poem? You could easily be speaking of the moon herself. You could easily be speaking of a lover, real or imagined. In either case, the poem allows me the space and freedom to embrace it and enjoy it.
Again, thanks for a very fine "read" today, and good luck in the judging.
THANK YOU for submitting your excellent sonnet to "Inspirations."
When you write a sonnet, you have me at hello. What is it about a sonnet? I guess I like the rigid discipline of rhyme and meter. And it is NEVER a "mid-range" achievement to really DO the message with grace and beauty within the rigid parameters.
I'm saying MOST poets can do the rigid parameters. What makes it POETRY is when you can also express the thoughts with grace and beauty AS IF there were no parameters. This is your achievement here, my friend, and it is no small achievement.
I also like your solid, solid Christian stance. This is so much more powerful than trying to say to someone, "Jesus is the only way." (Of course, I have no idea if you are Christian...and I don't care...muslum, Buddhist, you name it...your message came through. (I only use "Christian" cuz that's my own personal history.)
Oh my...this is beautiful...this is beyond beautiful.
Magoo, you have a wonderful writing style. I like the skilled meter and rhyme scheme. I also like the fact that you didn't seem to "reach" or "strain" for the correct words to make it all balance so nicely. It is as if this all came perfectly naturally...regards to your muse!
THANK YOU for your most excellent entry into "Inspirations".
I don't give fives...notice your rating.
Your poem makes my spirit soar...can I say it more clearly? There is not a morsel here that fails to delight.
My favorite lines: "I breathed in the syrupy scent as her knotted hands struggled to hold the slippery fruit."
It is almost alliteration, but not quite...it is beautiful...'nough said.
The poem says nothing of the writer. Oh yes, it says one thing: this writer loves her grannie...no this writer understands "love for a grannie". So how could she possibly be anything short of lovely...even given the fact that she "Used2BWild".
Thank you for your very excellent entry into "Inspirations".
Your poem flows with grace and purpose. It is easy reading. It is inspiring without being depressing. It closes on a solid note of hope and family bonds, often seen in times of death...but only when the family has loved properly.
My favorite line:
"when lilting laughter often rang throughout this house in merriment"
Again, thanks for a very gratifying "read". Good luck in the judging.
Thank you for your entry in our contest, "Inspirations"!
You are a good writer...that is what you are. This is piece is light hearted and enjoyable. The words seem to dance over the page in controlled delight.
My favorite lines are:
"A world of the intrigue of bygone days"
and
I am entranced by the rustle of skirts."
The reader wouldn't know the ending, unless you had placed it in the byline of the poem.
THANK YOU for submitting this impressive poem to our contest.
Very powerful...very, very powerful.
Here is my favorite line: "Something flutters in your breast...unknown to you hope buys my death."
This speaks of an important principle in a person's death, when he has suffered extended illness: "permission to die", granted by his partner or key loved one.
You demonstrate very good poetic ability here. But far more than your poetic ability you demonstrate command of deep feelings and deep insight into life and death.
Again, your poem moved me from start to finish. Thanks again for an excellent read.
The closest I've ever been to your day was the "East bound traffic up on the interstate." But how often, how often I've peered wistfully down onto the water below and thought, "you Cajun guys ROCK".
I'm a couple hours north up into Mississippi, but I love New Orleans in my own special way!
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