I like this! I like the rhyme scheme. At first I was distracted by your switching the pattern between the first and second stanzas; but then you did the same throughout the piece, so I’m thinking it was on purpose.
“watching bleakly changing shores” sets the tone of the entire poem This works well for me.
“I see you wander now alone
as yet I watch; forever cold.” Very poignant. You make me feel the feelings you are experiencing. I like that in a poem.
This is good. Your word pictures are vivid. You effectively take me there. I can hear the “plunk” of pebbles hitting the still surface. I like the way you transition from the tranquil scene to the realm of the heart. “Cold, cold stones within a heartbeat”
I’m thinking you may need a period after “pebbles” and then capitalize “Breaks”. To me one thought ends there and another begins. You may have intended it otherwise.
One tiny correction: you have an extra “e” in quicksilver (e) r.
Hello my Friend!
Once more you grace us with a lovely poem, with just the right touch of nostalgia. Giving the sun a personality also works for me. This is basically a light-hearted piece, but it also carries some pretty deep thought.
This might be a small error:
“It then softly itself:”
Should it be something like:
“It softly says to itself:”
My favorite lines:
“Snowcapped mountains give it the
Solace its work has won.”
This poem is a total DELIGHT! Your writing style is relaxed and pleasing to read. I love your perfect rhyme scheme...and you didn't once sacrifice meaning or create an awkward formation in order to achieve the rhyme. That alone is an accomplishment.
Your vivid word pictures absolutely took me there! The undertone of humor was excellent. Your idea was clever and pleasing.
Thanks for submitting your poem to “Inspirations”! I’m sorry to be a bit slow in reviewing this piece for you. (We’ll blame it on some vision difficulties.)
You have written a very significant piece, fraught with the feelings, the commitments, the agony and the loss of some of our fighting men. This is a message that should be heard far and wide.
Thanks for submitting your poem to “Inspirations”! I’m sorry to be a bit slow in reviewing this piece for you. (We’ll blame it on some vision difficulties.)
This is a FUN POEM! It is easy reading, light hearted narrative. I like the rhyme scheme and the “sing song” feel of the piece. It is appropriate for the message.
I think most of your readers will relate. I certainly do. Sometimes I wanted to “punch my family clan in the nose”. But at other times I realized they were worth far more than silver and gold.
Thanks for submitting your poem to “Inspirations”! I’m sorry to be a bit slow in reviewing this piece for you. (We’ll blame it on some vision difficulties.)
I have read this piece several times. It is compelling. It has the knell of urgency, and the desperation of blind belief. I asked myself why in the world the people kept faith when their leader was obviously not worthy of it. And yet this very situation exists in many “corners” of our world.
The picture is painted early in the poem:
“asked the wearied people of a frustrated nation, their patience worth a fortune.”
Thanks for submitting your poem to “Inspirations”! I’m sorry to be a bit slow in reviewing this piece for you. (We’ll blame it on some vision difficulties.)
I found this poem to be a total delight to read! Your writing style is light and yet direct. You have a real gift of descriptive expression. Your rhyme scheme is not rigid, yet it creates a certain warm charm for me.
You had me from your opening words:
“We did not see what you saw,
but we will make for you
from the love you gave in awe
a world less askew.”
If we could ALL approach life this way, the world would indeed be less askew.
Thanks for submitting your poem to “Inspirations”! I’m sorry to be a bit slow in reviewing this piece for you. (We’ll blame it on some vision difficulties.)
Your poem is rich with lofty concepts and aspirations. You caused me to look beyond the “norms” of life to view life from a higher plain. Thank you for that.
I like expressions like “Stainless steel and double edged trilogy blessed with courage”.
and
“Gregarious in its choice of power lent to a knight worthy of its sacred essence”
Hello my friend. I expect you can read this more clearly than most of US can. What a powerful testimony to all of use whose lives you have touched with your gentle, poetic hand. I have seldom read a more appropriate piece.
My favorite:
“the words of wisdom ripple through the
leafless branches, dispensing
upon me a stable heart.”
This makes me want to travel! I’m guessing that this poem is based on an actual trip, rather than one conjured in your imagination.
At any rate you stimulated my imagination with all the sights and sounds of faraway places. I especially like your closing thoughts that the group was no longer strangers to each other. I think we all should respect the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part. This poem gives credibility to this idea.
This is WONDERFUL! I guess the concept of iambic heptameter has never entered my mind. To me it has a very charming “lilt”. Something in the form seems to capture my interest and my pleasure. From the early lines I got the feeling that I was going to love this…and I was not disappointed.
I love the richness of the ancient gods, and their careless conduct that allowed “two ships to pass in the night” without acknowledgement.
And I love the closing thought: even without the (expected) cooperation from the gods, there is still possibility, as expressed in the final line: “Unless we meet again, just passing strangers on the bus.”
Thank you for this Ben! It was a total pleasure for me to read.
I like this! It is filled with sentiment and nostalgia. It takes me back to fond childhood memories. I definitely remember Soap Box Derby. Your writing style is easy and casual, very appropriate for the content. My favorite line is:
“Winking shadows of that past now buoy me.” This line begs the question, “What buoys me now?” It is a question well worth asking. By the way...the picture alone is worth a thousand words!
This is incredibly beautiful. It has a haunting feeling to me, as if the fate of badgers (and men) is beyond our ability to affect or control. Your descriptive word pictures give a richness to the whole piece.
I’m way over my head on this next comment. If this were placed in paragraph form it would be prose…gifted prose, but still prose. In reviewing a poem of this type, I’m always at a loss to identify what is poetry and what is prose…where is the dividing line?
My recommendation is SUBMIT IT!!! It is a work of considerable skill and richness.
WELL done! Don't let any "nay sayers" tell you you're not a poet. This little poem is rich with description. It TAKES me there!
When I began writing poetry a couple of years ago (seriously) I had a habit of writing it and posting it...one fatal swoop. In time I have learned to rough out a poem, then let it "brood" in my spirit for at least two days and nights, dropping back in to look it and think about it again. Without fail, I see imporvements and new ideas.
Wow! This just FILLED me with bitter sweet tears. My wife is in the latter stages of Alzheimer’s Disease. Functionally she has “left the building”.
What a gift this poem is to others who have been there. The repetition of “My mother said” gives the poem an assuring cadence. I could read it with a certain comfort and reassurance. You do not get too “syrupy” sentimental. This poem does honor to both your mother and your father.
THANK you for this delightful poem! I love your descriptive language and Slice” of Americana. Your word pictures simply take me there. You bring back many sweet memories when my children were young. You have a very warm and appealing style.
Thank you for pointing me to this one. It is outstanding! I enjoyed it a lot.
You have given full vent to pain and discouragement here. I haven’t seen it done better in quite a while. I really love the lines:
“Pain swaddled me like a Mistress of Darkness”
and
“She unfurled her frigid cloak”
You have chosen quite a few words “off the beaten path.” This gives the poem richness.
Most of all I like the message. The writer is the absolute grip of pain and bitterness. Yet in time he finds solace in the very experience and the solitude.
Thank you for submitting your fine poem to “Inspirations”. We love to see a new face around here.
You have written a pleasing lament. I totally identify with it, being 67. It is light hearted and at the same time it speaks to a very real and serious subject.
My favorite line:
“I've buffed all the dullness
I've tried to refine”
One small typo: you put an extre “e” in “lustrous.”
Thanks for again gracing “Inspirations” with your totally inspiring poem.
Ben, I never come to a poem of yours without that little tingle of anticipation, saying, “This is probably going to be good.” This poem does not disappoint! I love the style, I love the beauty and I love the message. You have the courage and character to “own” your own deeds, good and bad. You have the expectant hope that it will be well with your soul when you “cross over”. By the way, I can assure you that it will!
Thank you for submitting your excellent poem to “Inspirations”.
At first I just read this and loved every word. Then I read it again, pondering your good fortune in having a grandfather like that. (My dad was like that…just like that.) So you hit a vein of fondness in me right from the start.
Then I took a closer look. Your rhyme scheme is subtle and so natural that I wasn’t even aware of it. That took some poetic skill.
One tiny correction: the last line of stanza one has the quotation mark. I don’t believe you intended it to.
It’s so good to bump into you here again! Thanks for submitting this outstanding poem to “Inspirations”.
It was in the third stanza that I realized this is about more than a tree…it’s about life; all of life. And what an excellent metaphor!
Your descriptive phrases and word pictures give a sense of richness to this piece. I like the life lessons too. “standing alone, unwilling to bend
in the face of the storms” “undermined
by flaws and defects” “a purpose deeply carved into its base” “even so challenged it won't submit.” And “Its roots are deeply sunk in the ground.”
It is so nice to bump into you again here. Thanks for submitting your poem to “Inspirations”.
First of all I find it admirable to write to ALL the prompts! This took some time and creativity. You have done it well, with no awkward formations.
The poem is very moving. I can feel the feelings and taste the bitterness of drought. You skillfully paint a picture of helplessness and hopelessness and desperation:
“Powerless to change our destiny.”
It would be fine to read this as a nature piece only. But in the last stanza I get a feeling that this about LIFE, not just rain. And you acknowledge that the “ebb and flow” is necessary…not just those good days with ample rain.
Thanks for “showing up” again in “Inspirations”! We had a huge number of entries this time, so I began reviewing a few at a time in order to finish by early September. Some have been pretty good, some above average. But each time I open a poem I’m hoping for a “Home run hitter”. Your poem is number 13. I knew there was a possibility for my wishes when I saw your name.
You’ve done it again! This poem is a true home run! Your poem moved me deeply. It asked a lot of the questions I ask myself. And it does so in a richness of description and word pictures. I especially like:
“before my fate is cast”
“a reckless drive,
through a dark and bitter land?”
And
“a wall of cold dark shale.”
You establish a good, readable cadence and carry it all the way through, with awkward formations to make it work.
Thanks for this one! Bob
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