|Cool, I wrote one of these (for the same emotion and everyting) just recently and I can't help but compare the two, so humour me while I try to keep this objective.
Your Strengths: It seems that your piece excels in that it uses the emotion as the basis of a short story, its a single scene from a wider narrative as oppose to a single beat (for those who don't know beats are small events, decisions or movements that make up a scene). Because of this a reader gets a much deeper sense of the characters in this piece than my own. As a result your work makes the reader feel more for your work as they know the characters more. Alternatively one could argue that keeping the identites of the characters unknown means a potential reader can put themselves in that position and thus, emphasis more.
My Strengths: Based on what I've read I'm the more descriptive writer, this plays to my favour, especally when it comes to the whole "show don't tell" moto of the contest but again I leave very little context until the very end, and alot of my descriptions especally of the facial expressions) is far from a realistic depiction of remorse.
Your Weaknesses: Because you say more with you item you unwittedly give off more than the emotion remorse. Granted I did the same, but with the range of emotions you show here the focus, namely remorse can be lost behind the others e.g. the pride and fear. That being said its also true that some readers may find that this complements the main emotion, remorse. As I said I'm guilty of it too and so its a weakness that we both share if anything.
My Weaknesses: The final line. Unlike your story which is very much grounded in what could be an ordinary event, I go for the cheap shock factor that comes with using a sensitive topic like rape. If this was a fight, that was me punching you below the belt and while yes it may prove effective its not particularly honourable.
I'm not going to ask who's better, thats for the judges to decide, but do you agree with my analysis and what do you think of my own contest entry?