|Hi. You asked me to review Loner Rehabilitation Program, so here I go.
The summary is good. However, I don’t understand what ‘isekai’ is, so saying ‘isekai basically’ is confusing for this reason and changes the idea of the narrator to a flippant character? I’d recommend just deleting ‘(isekai basically)’.
I haven’t read much work with a summary at the beginning before. Are you using it like a blurb? In my opinion it’s not needed as what you say there should be in the plot/story. If you want a summary for yourself, you could keep it in a separate document.
Could you just say Prologue: The Happy Loner? Instead of writing Chapter 0.
‘ “Adrian! It’s time to wake up!”
Seeing her son still sleeping peacefully, Mrs. Walker looked around the room and carefully grabbed something from the dirty pile of clothes.'
In the extract above, you do not need ‘Seeing her son still sleeping peacefully’ because due to the opening dialogue you’ve already told the readers that Adrian is asleep. It’s a good opening to a chapter, but I’d recommend focusing on keeping your writing sharp.
The interaction between Adrian and his parents, and Adrian being compared to ‘baggage’ is good writing and quite humourous and witty. Focusing on the detail though, how strong is Mrs Walker to drag her son around the house? Apparently, she’s strong enough to leave ‘bruises’, so this is actually child abuse. I’m presuming her task was to wake Adrian but after doing that her reaction of shouting, screaming, fighting, and dragging seems extreme. It seems a bit too violent to later suggest a loving family that Adrian will miss.
These characters are well developed, and all seem different and interesting. The father’s lazy approach to life is a particularly amusing parallel to his wife’s active parenting style. However, at this stage I dislike both Adrian and Mrs Walker.
‘” Why is our family not photogenic? No matter how many retakes we had, our pictures keep looking like a family that’s always constipated…”'
I love, love this line! Very funny, and great recall to the description previously given for Mr Walker’s coffee cup. The interaction between Mrs and Mr Walker once Adrian’s left is great and endears me towards these 2 characters.
I’m liking it more as I read on. The scenes between Adrian and Lawrence are amazing. Adrian sneaking on his parents’ conversation is also good.
Laura Diffendall seems like an interesting character to explore.
Lawrence being constipated is a funny scene, but tighten it up a bit and make it shorter as it seems to go on a little longer than necessary.
Lawrence finding out about Adrian’s bisexuality is a brilliant scene and it’s the highlight of the story for me.
Do you need paragraphs discussing how Adrian desperately needs to pee? There’s been a lot of references to constipation and urination in the story!
‘She gets home at around 6 AM, but as exhausted as she was, she still made breakfast and woke up Adrian.’ – If she does this and seems kind, then why was she incredibly angry at the beginning of the story? Her anger also seemed like a regular occurrence too. Even if Adrian thinks she has a few hours sleep beforehand, he still comes off as ungrateful and lazy for not being able to set an alarm or make breakfast for his tired mother occasionally.
Thank you for the author’s note. Everything I say in my review is just my opinion, so feel free to disregard anything. I also focus more on suggestions when I’ve been requested a review as I find that’s what people want more than compliments.
Section: Chapter 1
‘After tripping, Adrian could not keep his balance and fell into the small pond backwards.’
A small example of keeping a tighter rein on the plot and sharper writing is, in the sentence above, removing ‘Adrian could not keep his balance and fell’ because as a reader I’m assuming if he tripped he couldn’t keep his balance.
My new favourite part is the introduction of the new character and Soluvia. It’s some great writing with interesting plot points introduced as well as the comedy of the character summoning Adrian by mistake. The story really begins here for me, so I know you want to introduce characters and family dynamics in the prologue but if you wanted to remove unnecessary detail I’d focus on making the prologue a lot sharper. For instance, Laura, if you're not going to mention her again she appears as a distraction from the plot.
It gets sad when the god realised he’s ruined Adrian’s life and Adrian cries. Could you experiment with changing the personality of the god? Perhaps he doesn’t have the same degree of emotions as a human? Maybe he doesn’t feel guilty? Maybe he’s too focused on his mission to care?
Section: Chapter 2
If clumsiness if a part of Adrian’s personality, is there another way to show the reader this without saying that he ‘almost lost his balance’ again? Beware of too much repetition.
Him suffering from short term memory loss is an interesting addition. But, how did his parents, school or brother not note this before in the prologue? I’d suggest if this is going to have a major impact on the story to introduce it sooner in a more natural way or if it doesn’t have much of an impact to cut it. Also, if it is important, I’d suggest doing a lot of research on memory and memory loss.
‘“Σ(▼□▼ﾒ) Wait, you can hear me?”’
Why is there symbols? Can Adrian see the symbols? What do they mean?
Having stats and the system is good and a great way of adding in exposition to the story. I’ve noted that it’s starting to seem a lot more like the recent Jumanji movies and like Adrian has just been transported into a game world.
Section: Chapter 3
More stats and description cards are good. Good moving forward of the plot. Mental links and prospect of being able to choose a companion all seem like they could cause interesting developments later on.
There's a lot of potential here and with some redrafting to make the writing sharper with a bigger focus on plot I'd raise my star rating. When writing, consider the questions:
1. What does this add to the plot?
2. How would a reader take this?
3. Does this scene add to character development or plot?
4. Could I say this in a more concise or interesting way?
Thank you for requesting a review from me. If you have any questions about my review feel free to send an email.