|What worked well: In general, you had a pretty interesting story line, and a sweet love story. I like the gentl, kind way that Luke talks to Kyra.
Worries: Normally, opposite genders are not allowed to be mentors. I'm wondering if there is an opportunity for some back-story here - why is Luke special? Is there a reason the teacher might want him to become a mentor for this particular student?
Technical suggestions: I have shared quite a lot of technical observation, and I hope it's what you were looking for. My intent is to be helpful, and I hope that you disregard anything that doesn't make sense or doesn't fit for your style.
The beginning seems to need some lead in - where are the characters, the teacher and Luke, when the conversation happens? Why are both of them so hostile? Educators tend to explain things a bit more carefully before demanding a student does something, like working with other students as a helper or tutor.
"I sat through the training, most of the time I tuned out and listened to my music, although this was much better than doing maths!" (Is this meant to be plural?)
"Luke! Take your headphones out of your ear! Did you hear what I just said. (?)" shouted Mrs Maris.
"I'm Kyra, I'm in year 11, and what year are you in?"She said. (Need some spaces between sentences. Also the comma after 11 should be a period, if phrased like this.)
I wondered why she was here if she had no problems, maybe I just needed to become friends with her, and get to know her first before she told me her problems. It was an awkward first session, since she seemed quiet and reserved, but that meant less work for me to do. (This is a good paragraph, both informative and concise with just the right amount of self-reflection.)
No reply. As I thought (need a comma) mum was doing overtime, (this comma is not needed) at the hospital where she works as a nurse. She hates her job, since she gets treats badly, and the pay is terrible, for the amount of work she does. I've been trying to look for a job to help her pay the bills. I have an interview next week for the Apple store, which I was looking forward to. You have a couple of tense conflicts in this paragraph. (You’re writing this in the first person, and at times it sounds as if you are writing in the present tense. However, you often switch to past tense. Consider this for the last two sentences: ‘I’d been trying to look for a job to help her pay the bills. I had an interview scheduled for the following week at the Apple store, which I had been looking forward to.')
I was dreading our next mentoring session since I knew she was not going to tell me anything today, so I came prepared. (I’m unclear about what this means- ‘since I knew she was not going to tell me anything today.)
I was so confused! This girl had no problems at all, she was pretty, intelligent and happy. I didn't see why she needed mentoring. I decided to go see her form teacher, to enquire about the type of person she was. (inquire?)
Had to re-read through here- you left me wondering what happened with the rest of the mentoring session and who ‘Sir’ was.
"Hi, Sir I was just wondering what type of person, Kyra Fischer is?" I said.
"Why are you interested in her?" He replied. 'Who is speaking? I never got to learn who 'He' is.'
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE GIRLS TOILETS LUKE, GET OUT!" said, Sophie, my ex. "IS THAT MY NECKLACE ON THE FLOOR?"
I think the all-capital sentences are more than needed. I think the content of your writing should convey your meaning – try to describe the physical appearance, motions, emotions of your characters. For example, Sophie could have a shocked expression, throw her hands up and demand to know why her necklace is on the floor. Then you wouldn't even need to point out that she is the ‘ex’.
"Would you ever speak to me if you saw me in before this?" (‘..saw me in.. ‘ seems to be missing a word?)
She lifted up her sleeve to revel several cuts on her wrist. I don't know how, but I found myself with my arms wrapped around her body, it wasn't out of pity just to show her I was there for her. (Can you share what we would be hearing/ feeling if we were in the room watching this scene? Seems like a very powerful moment)
"Everything is fine, really my foster parents love me allot, they buy me nice things, it's just I don't feel like they're my parent's (need a period)they keep trying to buy my love, when all they need to do is give me a hug, take care of me when I'm ill, but that's not the reason for this..."
I really wanted to ask what happened to her parents, but felt that was too pressurising. (I’m not sure about your spelling here, and I think you need to end with a period.)
The paragraph that begins with 'I took her to a field...' was my favorite, by far. You used lovely descriptors, and I felt I could really see the actions of your characters. Nicely done!
"You're different to all the other girls." I think you mean ‘than’ instead of ‘to’.
Thank you for requesting this review, I know I gave you a ton of feedback, and I hope it is what you were looking for.
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