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Review Requests: OFF
229 Public Reviews Given
233 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have my own style- What I found Worked Well; What Technical concerns I found, such as grammar or spelling; Suggestions for improvement; and Overall impressions.
I'm good at...
My reviews are generally pretty thorough, and I love to read almost as much as I love to write. I feel it's an honor to be trusted to share my thoughts about other authors' work.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Mystery, Comedy, Sci-Fi and Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Gushy romance, though I love plot lines within other genres with love/ romantic themes, fan fiction.
Favorite Item Types
Flash fiction, short stories, poetry.
Least Favorite Item Types
I love books but can't spend the time right now. I can handle chapters though, but sometimes feel at a loss for context.
I will not review...
I haven't met a piece of work I won't review yet. There isn't much I haven't seen for myself, or read about.
Public Reviews
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26
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Review of Forever for You  
Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wonderfully youthful and cool. I mean you no insult when I say that the ending is a perfect image of an awkward youth who has just finished saying something intense and personal, but doesn't know quite how to put a period on the end. Which is what makes young adult males so endearing and disarming to young adult women:)

Looking back in my moderate age at the things in life which are most cherished, a metal flower from one who things you royal would be at the top of the list.



Nice work!

Beckyl
WDC Power Reviewer
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Review of First Moments  
Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, that is a really amazing job. I am blown away by your choices of adjectives and the strong, fluid style with which you write. I think this is a perfect depiction of exactly what it feels like to go through this experience. Funny when we look back, how the object of our endearment no longer seems as perfect or enticing as they do at that first meeting- of course making even your title absolutely awesome.

I cannot find anything to fuss about here, technically or otherwise.

Truly joyful read!

Beckyl
WDC Power Review
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Review of Preface  
Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Happy Anniversary! I hope this is just the first installment of a story in progress!

What worked well: This is promising to be a romantic tale with lots of action! For a preface, I think you kept a nice balance of the visual layout and historical context. I think it can be tough to draw the line between what you need to say in an intro and what you should save to be drawn out in more detailed ‘showing’ later.

I really like the last line! It’s a hook into the first chapter of what I’m sure will be a doozy of a book or short story.

Technical matters: “the times of wars and bloodshed.” Should say the time of wars or the times of war…

“Willing to starve themselves in a siege instead of facing King Neslund in battle. When he and his troops finally reached the castle, they were surprised to find the servants fleeing to the outlying farmlands.” The first sentence is sort of a fragment; I think these two sentences should be combined and separated by a comma.

“It was not just those that cleaned the floors…” I think it should be ‘them’ or ‘those people’ or another word for people. “Among the number…” should say among ‘their’ number. Why was the queen’s handmaid’s child so poorly clothed, if Calli was in such a time of prosperity?

Suggestions: The event you talk about involving the handmaid and her child seems to be too important and specific to glance over so quickly. This may be one of the
parts to your story that demands to be shown instead of told. I feel like you mean to convey something about the emotional toll taken on the girl and her uncertain future upbringing, but the few words given to it make it less powerful.

One other question - why would the new king want to destroy the trade routes and undermine the things making Calli successful? Maybe you explain it later, but it seems odd unless there is some reason he wants to just make people suffer 'at all costs'. I also wonder about what Gods he would answer to, given that some of the Gods seem to favor peace and prosperity. Super interesting concepts!

I wonder if you could end the preface after a couple of paragraphs and then dive into the action?

Please accept these thoughts as simple suggestions. Obviously, you know your story best and I just want to be helpful.

Happy Anniversary again, and keep on writing!
Beckyl
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Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love the vibe and the mirroring of the harsh/ weird observations we make after enduring a funeral. Great adjectives and I love the way you depicted change and transition throughout. My favorite was the 'stained glass shattering' line. I did get a bit lost about, "...travel the saddened home". I like the idea that a deer can raise it's antlered mind- you have an incredible mental vision!

Great work!

Beckyl
WDC Power Review
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Review of Desolate  
Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What worked well:
Nice work! I felt like I was running with them and rooting for the two of them. You created a bond between the reader and the characters in a short number of words so that I felt some outrage at the end for her behavior. I love that! You also have a cool way with words- I like the reference to the 'oxygen debt'.

Plot: I felt like I was dropped into the center of a movie already in progress, which was fine because the pace and characters were interesting. Such a huge and vast topic like an insidious virus that causes a society to flounder and turn on itself is a heck of an endeavor for so few words! Overall, your story was really fun to read.

Gentle suggestions: I would have liked to see Trace- not super specific, but enough to picture him throughout.
“My names Erin.” Needs and apostrophe. Also you are missing an indent a couple of lines later when Trace produces his large pistol.

Thanks so much for your great story!

Beckyl
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Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
OOOOOOH My Gosh, how maddening it must be to live there without that wondrous letter! This was really fun and interesting to read. You didn't go over the top with humor, which made it even better when you said something funny.

I think you mirrored the incompleteness and instability of having such a powerful vowel removed from your vocabulary, in the lines of your story. My favorite line was: "The Ruby Slippers, appearing magically and replacing my sneakers, hurt as we walked, but glinted brightly in the sun." A picture of things appearing ok on the surface but only being ''_k'.

Your replacement names for characters with o in their names were perfect.

The introductory paragraph was really well written. This was the one place in your story that put me right into the story - frightening for the light to fall away, coming back to reveal a skewed world.

Possible improvements: After the first paragraph, I felt more like I was reading some interesting things remembered by a character than I was in the middle of an adventure. It left me feeling a little lost at first because of the intense first line or two, but still very enjoyable. I think that much of my attention was focused on puzzling out the 'other names' and references to see if I could figure out who you were describing. I also focused on trying, (and failing), to catch you using the forbidden letter. I wonder, reflecting back, what it would have been like to try and keep that intensity throughout and just pick a particular original plot line to follow so that the reader is so caught up in the drama that they don't actually notice the missing letter.

Please take me opinions if they are helpful, and leave the ones that aren't. Thank you so much for the neat story!

Beckyl
WDC Power Reviewer

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Review of Special Child.  
Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, this is a welcome review for you from a WDC Power Reviewer! Glad you joined the group.

What worked well:
Wow, you are a skilled writer- hard to believe your age! You have a wonderful way of turning a phrase and using adjectives. Some of my favorite bits were: "...giggling children had been stirring a happy inspiration in her mind for some time."
"...tighten the tangle of their hands in reassurance..."
"Charlotte was addicted to the sound."

It seems like you have some experience around little ones and loving parents- your description of their interactions and worries as well as their joy is engaging for me as a reader. You brought me right to the park with your characters!

Your idea of the child having supernatural capabilities, paired with the usual parenting experiences is just wonderful.

Worries/ suggestions:
You reference early on that the parents are immortal- I'm wondering if that is a mistake. Only because it's followed by so much narrative about a normal day at the park. I think, as a reader, I was really wanting something unusual following that line. The way you have it, I think it might be a cool little twist in the last third of the story to just discover that these people are supernatural through curious worries of the parents, and finally the fledgling flight attempt.

Plot- This might need a little work. I have learned in the last several months on this site that colorful and even beautiful language is a great start, but a good story is what readers crave. I would suggest reading some of the newsletters that come out on WDC about Action/ Adventure or Fantasy writing.

Overall I think this is a really good story and I really enjoyed reading it! Thanks so much for sharing your craft and keep writing!!

Beckyl
WDC Power Reviewer

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Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm reviewing this item for a non-fiction raid. Another interesting poll! I wish I had more information about what the information will be used for; why the person/ people doing the poll is gathering this information. Would that influence readers' answers? Your last category- "favor more than one equally" is one I wonder about. Since it doesn't really describe and preferred discipline, would that data be useful or just thrown out?
I think polls are so interesting and can be done in so many ways! This is a good one.

My only suggestion might be to ask a scaling question for each discipline and break it out into a different question for each. That way you would capture more information for those who prefer some styles equally - which styles those kinds of people prefer. Do those writers tend toward the same 2 or more forms? Now you have me even more curious!

Thanks for your work!

Beckyl

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Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a review for a 'non-fiction' raid. I think this is a well-described, fun writing project/ game. I really like how the asterisk shows the way in helping to create chapters. There is a word in the introduction that I think might be a typo. You say at the end that this may contain "textual content" == I know you mentioned the disclaimer about the rating prior to that, so I can't tell if this is a pun or?? That's my only criticism, if that's even an error.

Thanks for what you do!

Beckyl

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Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I'm reviewing this for a 'Non-Fiction Power Raid". I like how you have posed the question, as well as the choices given. I think it's interesting the question has 'think' instead of 'feel'. The poll options seem to undo that emotional distancing through using the word 'should'. I'm intrigued by the poll and most curious about the purpose. It makes me wonder who is polling? What will they do with the data that is collected? In order to get an idea about those questions, we have to answer! Really cool idea, I'm guessing it might be pretty effective, given you are just polling a bunch of writers.

Beckyl

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Review of God’s Own Plate  
Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What worked well: So much worked well in this free-flowing piece with a unique perspective and consideration. It seems to reach the point of being preachy but then pulls back before actually going there. I tried to grab on to several lines to recall for this review to share my favorites, but got frustrated at losing count - you have an intriguing mind! The first lines that made me jump up and down (on the inside) were: "God’ greatest unintended gift Take it for what it is" and especially "A psychosomatic form of control" You are a wordsmith. One of the things I like most about language and poetry is the energy builds when there is an efficiency and concentration of meaning. Really good stuff. One other place I really liked were the two lines that begin with the word "Until.." This makes me, again, think of how energy builds within the rhythm of words.

Worries/ technical stuff: 15th line: God’ should be God's
God's own plate It certainly..." should be 'is' or 'it is'
"Stop being and hypocrites hypocrite" I puzzled over this line, not quite sure what you mean here.
"hell" should be capitalized throughout.

Opportunities/ suggestions: I wondered at the idea about God being a glutton? Seems like great way not to sound preachy and a word to really make the reader think. It also seems like it's sightly off the mark you are going for. Obviously, that's just how I'm reading it.
I don't know if this one is already published or if that is your hope, but I was thinking that it could use some editing through the first few and last half. What I mean is, I wonder what would happen if you played with taking out some lines just to see if you lose any meaning or strength. If the line or word doesn't contribute, do you need it?

Such a nice read! Thanks

Beckyl

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Review of FROZEN TEAR  
Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this poem in it's complexity of observation and odd emotion. It seems to say the speaker has subconscious regret and does not know his/ her own mind.

I like how many questions if makes me ask- is the 'torture real or perceived? Is it physical or relationship-based?

The only phrase I would change is "As though trying to gauge..."
It seems odd that the speaker would estimate his/her own intention there.

I notice the date on your poem from a few years ago, so I'm aware this may have been published or maybe you are done editing but those are my thoughts.

Thanks for sharing your words!

Beckyl
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Review of Good GIrl  
Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What worked well: This poem was very powerful in it's ability to evoke emotion. Your anger comes through in such a clear, strong way that I based my rating purely on how it made me feel to read it. Due to some technical issues, it did take me a couple of passes to gain a better understanding of some of the content but it was well worth it. I was most intrigued by the last two lines - is the speaker (you?) speaking to your father? Where did the baby come from and how do you feel about him? Really interesting work.

Worries: Several technical problems that I found- please take them as my effort to offer help. Disregard anything that doesn't fit for you!

"The one that made you her world
That you put to shame?" is one example where your punctuation is missing. I would suggest a comma after world and lose the capitalization on the following line. Also the 'that's should maybe be 'who' since you are referring to a person.
The first word in each line doesn't need to be capitalized unless it starts a new sentence.

Second stanza, "Of you children..." should be 'your children'.

Third stanza, "I though I did one day" should be 'thought'.

Fifth, should be 'shining' (without the extra 'n')

Opportunities/ suggestions: I'm feeling like there was a little more to be said in this poem. What comes through really clearly is a vibe that the father/ partner of the 'Good Girl' was perceived as the catalyst for the change in her. The line, "That you put to shame" jumps off the screen. My only suggestion about that would be to say more about the depth of grief and anger there.

Last suggestion - 'Do you ever see her any?' seems awkward in it's phrasing, just because of the words 'ever' and 'any'. What if you tried a different verb than see? Or maybe change the phrase that rhymes with this one.

Again, incredible work - if this isn't your own personal story I will be shocked. Please don't take the major liberties I took with editing ideas in a negative way. And for goodness sake, keep writing!!

Beckyl

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Review of Mother  
Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
What worked well: What a completely touching and beautiful message! I think it's every word a mother needs to hear - really nicely done. Especially reflecting back on the turmoil and drama of teen years caused by normal adolescent independence and testing. The references to quiet moments, thinking about the soothing impact of a mother's presence - really drew me in. My favorite part was "...the teardrops that then would flow." - What an efficient and poetic way to describe her as a catalyst for a safe and trusting release of sadness!

Small technical issues: a semi-colon instead of a comma after 'misbehaved'. The line "I smile for attention I often sought," I had a little trouble with. Are you saying the smile is present tense? Or should it be smiled?

Opportunities/ suggestions: I think some poetry can be improved by a paring down of content to what holds most meaning. For example, getting rid of 'and, a, on, the' - words that hold no actual message to the reader - can be more powerful and concentrated in the end.

Please consider my words as an effort to just be helpful and throw away whatever doesn't make sense for you!

Beckyl

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Review of When Fate Laughs  
Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
What worked well: Your description of the relationship cues and the main characters internal discussions over time regarding Daniella were well done. The paragraph following, which described his projection into the future about his evening, was equally well done and showed your ability to draw out a scene and ‘show’ instead of just tell your story. The end of this chapter refers to ‘dread’ and foreshadows something much more sinister than a night out with the boys. I like it!
Worries: I found the phrasing sort of choppy in places. The first few sentences stood out in that way. I don’t think you needed a period between “…all along.” And “But…”

The first paragraph uses a version of the word ‘excitement’ four times – seems like too much telling and not enough showing the reader.

You begin several sentences with the word ‘But’ and it isn’t really the best form. I thought about it throughout your work and found that, if I mentally deleted the ‘but’s, no meaning or quality of content was lost in any of the sentences.

The place where you lose me is the dialogue that starts with Trent talking. I felt like I was searching for the context – re-reading a few times and still not getting what was going on. I get that this is a small part of a novel, but the title of the chapter doesn’t fit with the content for me.

Technical suggestions: In the second paragraph, laid should be lay.

Opportunities: In the paragraph that begins with Shan rolling his eyes, the phrase: “…but even still,…” seems odd. You might consider making the message you want to get across about the sister/ brother relationship more concise. The reflection of the moving day was great – very familiar detail to anyone who’s been in a silent treatment power struggle! Given how good that part was, you might want to give it its own paragraph, aside from his thoughts about himself relating to the twins.
I wonder if you could lengthen the chapter or expand into what must come next – death or some sort of twist of fate? Or maybe tone down the chapter title a bit to match better?
If the sinister foreshadowing is going to lead to something really pathological, you might want to add more behavioral / emotional clues.

Nice work! I really hope my review has been helpful in some way – please throw out any ideas or observations that don’t fit for you.

Beckyl

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Review of Us  
Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Sounds familiar to my writer's mind. It doesn't evoke a ton of emotion for me but it did make me think.

Thank you,

Beckyl
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Review of Fire and Ice  
Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
What worked well: You pointed out the extremes and similarities between fire and ice well. Your statement about the beauty of the two elements was great.

Worries: I may just be confused but I'm not understanding the initials down the left side. I thought you meant Symbiotic, but I think the 'O' is missing. Also what I see throughout seems more like similarity and comparison than actual symbiosis where a relationship is beneficial or somehow dependent on both.
Did I have to look the word up to double check it's meaning? I'm not sayin'!

Suggestions: I wonder it it could work better to try to use a uniting theme or thread throughout this poem to make it a bit cleaner. And if that makes some sense to you, perhaps you could try to work around a theme that invokes emotion, such as your reference to passion at the beginning.

Thanks for your words!!

Beckyl

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Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think this work is lovely and the images you give are wonderful and happy. I love the voices you gave to the snowflakes and the way you gave feelings to all!
I didn't really find anything to give technical criticism about but I do have a couple of suggestions:

First is the reference to 'ice-sisters'. I wonder if it would sound better as icy sisters?

Next, I'm a little concerned with the change you made in the last stanza from the observation of everything happening to a narrative involving dialogue between you and the reader. It seems like it would be better to stay in the same voice right through to the end.

Last, I would just suggest that you make this beautiful story into a children's book. preschool and even early school-aged kids would just love a story like this with lovely pictures. I would buy it!
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Review of Restless  
Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow, memories were certainly stirred for me by this story. Such a sweet , wonderful image of a pitifully exhausted mom, not taking the little things for granted we love so much about our babies. Your skill in story telling is obvious - you make it look very easy. I love the way you share the sights and sounds to create an intimate setting like a little ones nursery.

I actually felt the relief at the end of dad coming in to save the day- and I remember so well being resentful, thinking dad was waiting till the job was almost done to start saving the day!

I apologize; I cannot find anything to offer critique about - nice job on the technical aspects!

Beckyl

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Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
First, let me apologize for not critiquing all four chapters. After reading the first two, I would like to make a deal with you to review the rest: Work on some of the technical issues I have listed below in the remaining three and I promise to do a thorough review on the story line and content.

What worked well: I think you have a creative mind and some really good ideas in your story.

CH 1
I think the character of a mother who has to manage daughters is a very endearing, admirable one, even without magic. Trying to raise daughters who are magical as well must be a challenge indeed!

CH 2
Sister talk is cool and to have a sister who can clear up acne is magnificent! The paragraphs describing Kyra trying her new spell is great. Your images are very descriptive and drew me in as a reader. NIce work! The tornado was also cool.

Worries:
CH 1
"Can we visit the runes of Tanara I've recently looked up the history of the place and I would really love to study the language written on the walls?" You need a period after 'place'. Start a new sentence at 'I would really..." The next sentence needs capitalization and punctuation.

'I replied as Kyra squealed, we finished our meditation and went to eat.' I think that you need more breaks in sentences like these. The concept and content is great but the flow suffers when you combine thoughts without punctuation.

'None of them where used...' spelling : should say 'were used.'

"Girls there is one thing we have to talk about before we go anywhere." I said
It should read: 'Girls, there is one thing we have to talk about before we go anywhere,' I said.

You just need to work on the punctuation throughout. I saw many un-capitalized 'I's and many sentences with no punctuation at the end. There shouldn't be any sentences that don't start with a capitalized word and end with some kind of punctuation.

"Always Kyra, never not practicing her magic, I really wish she would go out and meet people her age but it’s just not her." You have used a double negative here, which can be confusing and interrupt your flow. Try: 'Kyra, never failing to practice her magic, was not the kind of girl to go out and meet people her own age: it just wasn't her.'

CH 2

“What happened, there everywhere?” Spelling: they're everywhere.

“Thank you so much, actually the reason why I’m getting all glammed up is because I have a date later today.” I think that after having such help with those zits, the thanks deserves an ! Then start a new sentence with 'Actually, the reason..."

“And who has a problem(?), (Y)ou have to get your nose out of those books and have a night out.”

“Pass,(.) (H)ey let(')s go outside,(!) ive been reading on a spell I want to try. Should spell "I've"

I apologize for possibly overstepping with some of the re-writes, but I really like your story line and I want to be helpful with the technical issues I'm seeing.

Thank you for sharing your story and opening yourself up to constructive criticism, like all of your friends on this site!

Keep writing!

Beckyl

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Review of Crux  
Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What worked well: I love the imagery and darkness you take the reader to in this story. The dread seeps through well and you connected me to the killer's emotion so quickly it was incredible. It's like those suspense movies where you are shocked to realize you are hoping the bad guy doesn't get caught simply because you've been tricked into seeing through his eyes.

Worries: Only issues I had were the spelling of the word 'hiself' - I think you meant himself. I also felt like here and there you had a little too much detail, like "...the lighter colored wall next to the door." I'm betting you are a really visual person like me, and I tend to struggle with this myself. Some of your imagery is so excellent and critical to the story that you may want to sacrifice the less impactful details.

Suggestions: Consider paring down the first paragraph and getting rid of the metaphor of the snake. I would keep the light landing in the man's hand- it's incredible. Maybe make the part a little clearer where he picks up the 'white mass' and it gets saturated.

Great work! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!

Beckyl

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Review by Beckyl
Rated: E | (4.0)
What worked well: This prompt had energy! I really like the overall vibe of the poem which seems to be about class/ culture and value differences. I wonder about the ages of the people involved. I also like to review prior to knowing an author's gender. This may be one reason why some of the things I will list as 'worries' below are there, so please disregard anything I say that isn't helpful to you. I like the Fuzz with a buzz line but it seems the speaker in your poem does not- does he/she view it as rude or overly judgmental or clever? I really like the reference to pink baseball had Friday night drinks. You described an entire cultural experience of FAC experiences for young female professional cliques in just a few words- excellent.

Worries: This is where I felt a little less connected- "How you hated the brown bagged bellies
and the apathetic gazes of my world." -- is this a lunch in the park? I am not sure what it means. Why would the speaker's group of people appear apathetic? What specifically would generate hatred from ponytail girl like this?

Opportunities: I wonder what might happen if you added one more stanza to describe the speaker in as much detail as pony tail was described with. I'm also curious how much an added context of location might snap some of the more vague areas into clearer view.

Thanks for your good, creative mind!

Beckyl

WDC Power Reviewer
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Review of Law and Order  
Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was really fun! I can't believe how much back story and extreme political/ social change you put forth in such a short story. It seems to me that you trust your reader to pull from similar tales that are common knowledge to built the background for you so that you can simply play with these cool characters. I hope the captain makes it to retirement before that uptight Feinstein rats him out for rule bending!

Just one typo. Your technique is excellent overall and you are clearly an expert at dialogue.

"... instead a monitor like normal people..." instead of
T
Suggestion: The sentence beginning with "He took some solace..." I think you should stick with past tense throughout that paragraph. I think when you changed to "as good as it is..." it read in an odd way.

Why does Martinez have an 'e' on the end? Just curious.

Cool story!

Beckyl

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Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow- this is a completely engaging and enthralling story. I couldn't stop reading from beginning to end. You have the depth of wisdom about child-rearing and such great insight into the mind of a pre-adolescent boy. I thoroughly enjoyed it! I liked the pacing of the passage of time within the story. I also like they way you describe Jesse's love of his sister and his concern for her, despite her flaws.
One other thing I really enjoyed about this first chapter is the mother. It seems like she is experiencing a ton of hardship, however she is certainly dis-likeable in many ways- not noticing the boy's birthday?! Even in the 'olden days' people celebrated birthdays! Which is what makes it so significant for me. Her joy seems to have died with her husband. All she seems to have left is fear and regret to share. Such a good story!

Ok, so on to some critique. Obviously, if it doesn't make sense for you, feel free to ignore!

"She looked at the offered money and thought she didn't want to take it." Seems a little awkward -I wonder if it might flow better a different way. What if you said, 'She looked a the offered money and hesitated.' I think the rest would be implied since your following sentence says she's thinking of his needs.

"Watching him then Lillian thought again how much like his father he was growing," This sounds a little awkward to me also. You might consider adding some punctuation or rewording. This paragraph contains lovely little nuggets of detail for readers to know Jesse better. It does tend to stutter through though - maybe too many periods.

Thank you so much for the great read, and I will try to get back and make may way through the rest- I work full time and am trying to work on my book as well, so it may not be every day.

Beckyl



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of A Day on the Farm  
Review by Beckyl
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This was a neat little piece. It was listed as 'philosophy' so I'm guessing there may be a moral about judgement of others? It reminded me a little of the old Twilight Zone episode where the old guy wishes everyone else on the planet would disappear so he could read in peace, but then they do and he breaks his glasses. Your story was cuter! My only criticism is that it was very brief and since all the characters I got to know as a reader were beheaded, my connection to the story ended when they did. It seems like a sole survivor besides Skippy would help the 'moral' follow the reader a bit more.

Nice technical skill, no errors that I could see.
Thanks for sharing this and keep writing!

Beckyl
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