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1,117 Public Reviews Given
1,118 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a review template that is only used for in depth reviews, usually those that are specifically requested. These will be as comprehensive as I can manage, including everything I have noticed in reading the piece. Most of my reviews, however, are more in the nature of reactions to the piece with brief notes on things I find particularly good and suggestions on dealing with any obvious flaws in the writing.
I'm good at...
Reviews of stuff I particularly like. If I think the writing is good and the ideas original and inventive, I will say so and become enthusiastic about it. I will point out flaws, particularly where I feel that they interfere with a positive reaction to the piece, but I will also offer suggestions for fixing such problems.
Favorite Genres
I have a broad spectrum of genres I'll review. It's easier for me to list the genres I won't touch.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, erotica, overly dark subjects without a good reason for existence.
Favorite Item Types
I'm unsure what is meant by this - I would have thought the genres sections covered this.
Least Favorite Item Types
See previous section.
I will not review...
Again, see the genres section that lists the genres I won't review.
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review of Come Again?  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ah, a fellow sufferer from alliteratitis (sudden and inexplicable outbreaks of alliteration). Fortunately these days, there are effective treatments that keep the condition under control - a stern face and the injunction that "we'll have less of that, if you please," I find very effective. Of course, this merely encourages my sense of mischief and I increase the frequency of the alliterate thing.

That was the first thing that struck me, understandably since most instances crop up in the early paragraphs. Thereafter, the tale settles down to a more purposeful demeanour. This structure makes me wonder whether the first paragraphs were written without clear intent of where the story was going to go (something that I do quite often, just to be writing something). The mood changes very noticeably from lighthearted and humourous to more serious intent at this point. I'm not saying that this is a fault - just that I noticed it.

In the end, it turns out to be a charming tale, full of goodwill and hope. The writing is full of sharp details that bring the tale to life and characters who are almost instantly recognisable from the protagonist's relation to them. It is well edited, too, there being no typos or errors discernible. Altogether, it's a most enjoyable piece.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
2023 Quill Nominee


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102
102
Review of Staged  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of Staged by strlcuckoo

Initial Impression:

Understood what it was about on the third reading. This is the main weakness of the piece - that it is hard to understand what's going on. Not everyone will read it three times to get the point.

Title:

I like one word titles but this one does not throw much light on the subject. It's okay to demand a little work from your readers but they need a bit more than this title gives if they're going to stick with it.

Content:

As it happens, motor racing is one of my interests. But I'm into F1 and it took a while before drag racing occurred to me. And, if I didn't get it reasonably quickly, I doubt those without similar interests are going to understand without more explanation. Don't exclude readers unnecessarily - you don't have to reach everyone but the more that click, the better.

I understand that you might wish to be less than obvious in subject reveal, but the poem needs a little more to be successful. As an instance, the insertion of the word motor at some point in the first stanza is going to at least guide the reader toward the world of cars. Then the quarter mile speaks all that's still required.

It's an interesting subject and one that I've pondered having a go at myself (writing about motor sport, not the actual doing of it - I'm a bit too old for it now). So I was particularly interested to read how you'd gone about it. Your approach is correct, once you've given a bit more of a hint about subject. But I think you need to inject a little ethanol into the fuel. Drag racing is enormously explosive and impressive in its reality and your language needs to reflect that if it's to be fully effective. The forces involved are huge and need impressive words to be described. Concentrate on the sounds, the sights, the flames and smoke, rather than their effect on yourself. Let the reader be affected by the words as though he were experiencing it himself.

It's not an easy thing to do. Think of how the arrival of a tornado is often likened to the passing of a freight train at full speed. Experience of a drag race is something similar to that, an overwhelming crescendo of sound and fury that should knock the viewer back on his heels. I think that the poem needs at least another verse to allow the full effect of the race and its sensations to be detailed. Yes, it takes only seconds to run the course, but what seconds they are!

Style:

You're grammatically correct and there are no errors for me to point out. But I do need to know how passionately you feel about the subject. It's not sufficient to tell me - you have to make me feel the same way. She didn't push you into the seat, she shoved you into it and tried to rip the steering wheel from your grip. Tell me what she did and let me imagine how that feels.

Flow/Pace:

All very ordered and constructed but it could do with a quickening of pace to echo the race you're describing. Pay a little less attention to the rhyme and rhythm and hit those big words and powerful notes to make the poem more like the race itself.

Suggestions:

I think you should try free verse. Forget the necessity of adhering to rules like rhyming and just write down the enormous experiences of the event. Afterwardss you can induce some order into the chaos of words and feelings. But never be afraid of offending a few grammar rules on the way!

Overall Impression:

There's nothing wrong with the poem. It breaks no rules and offends no sensitivities. But, considering its subject, it could be so much more. With a little more work you could rurn it into a snarling beast of a thing that frightens young ladies and sends their mothers into a faint.



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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
2023 Quill Nominee


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103
103
Review of The Umbrella  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I really like this. As a result, I'm not going to write a critique or review of it, but just share how much I enjoy it. And why (if I can manage that).

Part of the reason I love it so much is that it reminds me of me. Every now and then a story like this springs out of me unannounced and urgent to be born, a little thing that contains within itself all the reason it needs for being. It ignores all the rules about story and sets about its telling with perfect assurance and, ultimately, justifies its own self confidence. Who could not love a child so innocent yet bursting with promise?

The real beauty of such wild and irresponsible tales is that they have no need of the world outside of them. In this one, the umbrella pulls the reader along in its determined course, taking no notice of the reader's frantic appeals for reason and meaning, but quietly confident that it contains all the answers anyone will ever need. It sees no reason to explain itself in terms of the greater world beyond itself for the story is the reason for the story. All the meaning there ever was is in the gloriously self-contained story.

It does me good to see someone else writing a story of this type.

I must also confess that I have a recently discovered a soft spot for stories that gift inanimate objects with self awareness. And this umbrella is a headstrong and eloquent thing, perfectly happy to be enclosed in a self-perpetuating loop of repeated causality. How carelessly it accepts its destiny of eternal repetition!

So this is all about me, I'm afraid. Your story forces such an expression of relief and joy from me that I don't care about all the technical mumbo jumbo that I might be expected to produce in a more serious review. All that seems irrelevant when the story is so refreshingly full of itself. I can't offer any suggestions of how to make it better or errors to erase and correct - but I can make you feel a lot better about your courage and insight in deciding to write it. I'm bloody glad you did!


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104
104
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review of ZUK and ZUB - A Fable For Our Time, by foxtale .

Initial Impression:

I was pleased to see that the work is, as billed, "a fable for our time," as I have written a few of these myself. It's a fairly rare species these days and so good to discover that I'm not the only person trying to keep it alive. Old Aesop was a much underrated guy, in my opinion.

Title:

This introduces the two friends, Zuk and Zub, together with an explanation of the work itself. Unfortunately, I have my doubts as to name selection. Having the friends' names so similar to each other risks confusion for the reader. It makes things much easier if the names are different, thereby allowing instant identification throughout the text. I had to concentrate upon the names for the first half of the tale to be sure I was getting the right person in the right place. This eased about halfway through and the rest flowed much more easily as a result. Never give the reader an excuse to put the piece down, is my motto, and names are a an example of this. One of the reasons I never got deeply into Russian novels was the sheer incomprehensibility of the names used. They were too complicated to be memorised easily and I didn't bother.

This means that you would have to change the title of course, and you may be loth to do that. It's worth considering, however.

Content:

It's an amusing tale told with considerable humour and a clever solution to the problem presented. The sable and the ermine are indeed types of weasel, and so it's a valid hinge for the story to rely upon. You are very good, too, at describing the setting by incidental details introduced for a laugh but also giving an idea of the world in which the characters live. As regards humour, I'd have just one adverse comment - don't harp on their language being unable to deal with complex concepts. One joke in this vein is sufficient, I think. The reader will get the idea that these are not tremendously sophisticated creatures and the point doesn't need to be hammered. There is a lot of mixing of both sides of this coin anyway (interesting to see these cavemen inventing the idea of a senate thousands of years before the Greeks, for instance), so let's not offer the reader too many similar anomalies.

Style:

You have a delightful tongue-in-cheek style exactly suited to this type of tale. I can see the slight smile on your face as you write of this world and its inhabitants. It's the first requirement of good writing that we are in love with what we are writing about and you demonstrate the truth of this quite admirably. And no grammatical errors or typos for me to point out! It seems you can edit as well.

Flow/Pace:

The tale rolls along at a suitably jolly pace and never gets rushed or bogged down. What more could anyone ask?

Suggestions:

Well, I've made a couple and, to be honest, neither were absolutely earth-shattering. The story is fine as it stands and my comments are intended merely to polish it a little. Entirely your decision whether you take any note of them, of course.

Overall Impression:

I see the story has been published a couple of times already, and that it's been reviewed a few times as well. Which makes me wonder why you wanted my opinion on the matter too. Not that I'm unhappy to do it (ooh, double negative) as I'm always on the lookout for more gift points. But it's a well-crafted and produced story and I think you should have more confidence in it. In fact, you should be proud of having produced such excellent work. Write on, as they say in WDC!

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105
105
Review of The Vulture  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review of The Vulture by Dad

I'm glad that you mentioned in your covering letter how the story came to you. This is often the case with short stories and some of my best (in my opinion) have resulted from such experieces. Writers, perhaps more than anyone else, are deeply indebted to their unconscious minds.

Initial Impression:

I like the idea of using a turkey vulture as the second participant in the teleport. it's unusual and allows for a very different perspective on the final scene. At the same time, the explanation for the choice does telegraph the ending rather early. The chance of mixing participants' genetic information is something that occurs often enough in the Star Trek series for most people to be aware of it. To prevent the possibility of the reader guessing at the conclusion, it might be better to omit any mention of "mixing," and instead hint rather mysteriously at the dangers inherent in the experiment without naming them.

Otherwise, it's a tightly constructed and enjoyable story that does not rely too much on the series in which it is set. Always a good idea to avoid categorisation as fan fiction!

Title:

The story, as an old British advert describes its product, "does exactly what it says on the tin." So it's serviceable enough but I would suggest adding some detail to give it a little more originality and distinctiveness. And that could be done by the simple expredient of being more specific - The Turkey Vulture.

Content:

You tell the story well and it has plenty of interest to keep a reader enthralled. In the early paragraphs you skate rather closely to the dreaded "info dump" by a discussion of previous attempts between two characters who know perfectly well how they got where they are. This is always a problem, getting the reader up to speed with background information before the story can begin in earnest, but there are subtler ways of doing it. Try to achieve a more natural conversation by making the introduction of historical facts seem incidental, rather than the point of the thing. So, for instance, the fact of sending a rock at one stage can be made a joke of (it has humourous aspects already) and drop each snippet into the text at carefully separated moments, not as a continuous stream. This avoids the history lesson appearance of it all.

Dialogue in writing is an art that can be acquired. Most people can imagine a conversation in its natural flow and direction but that's not good enough for the written word. The real trick is to select what's important, cutting out the rest, yet leaving it as apparently quite natural and unforced a conversation. This is easier than it sounds, particularly since real dialogue is full of half spoken sentences, dashes up side streets, and umms and urrs. The real art is letting the occasional inconsequential phrase or thought through, to prevent it becoming more like an exerpt from a manual than a genuine conversation. The exchange about the selection of who goes on the trip could do with a little careful editing in this connection. It's okay as it is but would benefit from being just a little tighter.

The final revelation that the protagonist has been transported into the vulture's body is well constructed, with a certain amount of confusion picturing exactly the feelings of poor Alec as he becomes accustomed to his new existence. Nicely done.

Style:

You write well and make few errors of grammar or technique. Everything flows well and at a suitable pace. Nothing for me to carp at indeed.

Flow/Pace:

Already mentioned. No problems.

Suggestions:

Well, I've made a few but must stress that they are exactly that - suggestions. They are very much my opinion and you may feel that they are not appropriate to your story. That's the thing about reviews - we're all different and like different aspects of what we read. Never get discouraged by something a reviewer says. They're quite capable of being wrong and your control over what and how you write is always yours alone. Reviewers are trying to help, that's all.

Overall Impression:

Basically, I want to read more of your stuff. This little story is fine, it shows an ability to put together a good story and keep the reader interested. It's the Star Trek connection that gives me a slight worry. Your brain has demonstrated to you that it can conjure stories from events in your daily life. Never be tempted to wander off into fan fiction - your imagination will always be better than some aging TV series!



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106
106
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think it would be safe to say that most people alive today saw the movie of Oz before they read the book. This is what creates our general surprise at the poor quality of the writing of what is now regarded as a classic. It's one of those rare instances of the movie being better than the book.

But the book is not alone in its status of a classic in spite of the poor quality of its writing. In the case of Oz, the strange originality of its creator's imagination is what fascinates us and gives such fertile ground for a creative film producer to deliver a true classic of the movie industry. And it doesn't hurt that the book was written for children; they are a much less critical audience than adults and will forgive some awful examples of hackery for the sake of an imaginative and attractive world.

We should also remember that "the rules of good writing" are a fairly recent concoction created by those who don't have a classic to speak of. The plain fact is that the great authors wrote without any knowledge of "the rules" because they hadn't been invented yet. And their work is a clear demonstration that most of the rules can and should be ignored whenever they get in the way of truly good writing.

In the end, the lesson of Oz is that imagination is more important than adherence to any rules and that success and longevity can be just as much a matter of luck and timing as they can be of fine writing. As an example from the other side of the tracks, the two masterpieces of James Joyce, a writer universally worshipped in his time by other writers, Ulysses and Finnegan's Wake, were both technical tours de force and excruciatingly boring and unreadable.

It's a funny old world, isn't it?

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107
107
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
If I may say just a few words of awe and appreciation for this bountiful, vast and meticulously-run contest, it is evident from the outset that this is an extravaganza of effort and good planning by the designer, Schnujo, and her able assistants.

The rules have been so carefully considered and instituted that it is no wonder the contest finished without a serious hiccup or squeal of protest from a competitor. They are all presented clearly and colour-coded to ensure understanding by everyone. It is, indeed, an example that could be followed by anyone wanting to run a successful and well-regarded contest.

As for prizes, the spectacular generosity of Schnujo is well enough known but it still bears mentioning that this contest is the only one that bears comparison with the enormous prizes offered in the official WDC contests. Our (the contestants) cup do runneth over indeed.

I can only repeat how much I have enjoyed participating in the contest and how much I appreciate those who made it possible. The amount of work in creating and running the contest is so staggering that our reviewing efforts pale into insignificance beside them. It is no surprise to me that I can find absolutely no improvements to suggest - so no bolding for me to do in this review! See the habits you have instilled in me.

This contest, surely, is the crown in WDC's 23rd Birthday Celebrations.

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108
108
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
An uplifting piece, likening the dark depths of the sea to the lowest points of our own lives, with the heartening conclusion that, even in the darkest moments, there is beauty and goodness possible.

In this it succeeds very well - the piece is well written without errors and flows steadily and logically to its goal. The one doubt I have is that it does not describe how the descent into the abyss is made. That sort of depth is impossible with aqualungs so it must involve some sort of deep sea submersible. I think the question needs to be dealt with at the outset (just a quick description is all that's needed) to prevent any confusion arising in the reader's mind.

Apart from that, this is a fine piece and a most enjoyable read.

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109
109
Review of What's Behind Me?  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well, this is a bit of fun. You even had me laughing when the werewolf popped out from behind Steve to say, "No I'm not." It turned into a real party near the end and even had a couple of late guests.

I did find one little niggle that is going to take a few seconds to fix. Jessie starts out as Jesse before she settles for being Jessie (a far more suitable name, I think). Otherwise I find it to be a well written example of its genre (I prefer comedy horror to the real thing anyway), especially as it's genuinely funny. And that's really hard to do in print.

Altogether, it's a tight, well written comedy horror piece without serious error. You even put an acute accent on the E of cliché!

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110
110
Review of Another Joke?  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Interesting characters, interesting bar room, amusing story. Of course, I wonder what the punchline was going to be but there probably wasn't one at all. And it doesn't matter as much as I thought it would. The piece is interesting enough in its own right.

What does matter is that the reader's attention is held right up to the end and that means the writing was good. All that remains is presentation and here I see we have an outbreak of the dreaded Others disease. At the very least, you should put down Humour as one of the genres. There's no lie in that and you won't be giving anything away in it. Add a couple more even vaguely appropriate genres and you should increase your readership threefold. At least, theoretically.

Anyway, I enjoyed it and I'm the reviewer, so what I say goes!

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111
111
Review of Untitled  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I don't usually go for shape poems but this one attracted me for some reason. Perhaps it was its simplicity, its oriental economy with words. And you operate well within the tightly constraining restraints of the form.

The first word, "doll," sets the scene immediately, and the second, "dusty," adds all the touches needed for us to see what you're talking about. It's an old doll, perhaps discarded and uncovered now in an attic. Then "seams now split" confirms this impression, but it's a transition phrase leading beyond the doll itself. The next line, "buried dreamer" seems to speak of the owner of the doll, now passed on and, as the last line states, "sleeps."

To pack so much meaning in so few words is an art indeed. It's a beautiful poem as a result. My only suggestion would be that you title it "Doll" instead of "Untitled."

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112
112
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Well, what can you expect from a guy named Darien? Something going wrong there straight away.

But the story, must get to the story. This may be because I suffer from the same affliction, but I'm not sure the story qualifies as horror. It seems to me that horror starts slowly, from bright sunshine and blue skies, and gets steadily darker and more intense, until the denouement springs the true horror from its hiding place and all the screaming can begin. In this piece, you have the nightmare, followed so closely by its recurrence in reality that the rest of the story is somewhat of a letdown. Even Fern's composed control over the scene as Darien attempts to do away with her finally, makes it seem that all suspense has been drained from the tale. We know Penelope's waiting outside to rush in and save the day.

I can't help but feel it would have been better to dump Darien's first attempt and to use the space instead to make everything start closing in on Fern, with little hints and oddities making her wonder if the dream could possibly be true. Then, once she's stumbled on something that leaves no doubt, Darien can emerge as the serial killer he is and either succeed in his intent, or Fern can escape at the last moment (the first is more likely for horror).

What I've learned in this genre is that we cannot afford to be kind to our characters. As the old rhyme goes:

Be nasty to your little boy
And smack him when he sneezes
He only does it to annoy
Because he knows it teases.

There's nothing wrong with your writing, no errors, no awkward phrases, and the flow and pace are fine. It's just this business of saving the worst till last, that's the secret of horror (and I'm talking to myself as well in this). So don't be discouraged - the idea for this story was fine. It just needs a little adjustment and it's a winner.

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113
113
Review of Hamelin Towne  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A narrative poem! It's not often one finds one of those. And a sound tale to base it on, the Pied Piper being very well known and of reliably solid moral. But an observation concerning the title: adding an E to "town" does make it seem medieval, I grant you, but it's not strictly true. The added E is a British thing, whereas Hamelin's in Germany. Perhaps I'm being too picky!

Anyway, it's a fine poem that doesn't give up in the face of all the difficulties that can present themselves in this type of poem. Finding rhymes that make sense and don't look out of place, that's a real battle in this kind of thing. And you manage it admirably. The meter too is generally good ("Angelic Grace joins the race" - something not quite right there) and the number of stanzas written to give so many children names is just impressive.

Altogether, it's a triumph of the genre. Eat your heart out, Ancient Mariner!

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114
114
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A married couple are looking over an old house they're thinking of making their next aproject,when an srgument develops over whether it should be possible to move the mantle or not. The wife is against the man making further attempts to move it (perhaps having experience of previous misguided attempts at things that went very wrong), and eventually leaves him to it. The man succeeds in moving the mantle and finds a photo of a couple and a Christmas card dating from 1917. The wife returns and they learn a lesson for the future.

It's a simple tale told with flair and ability, holding the reader's attention throughout and leading to a heartwarming conclusion. The writing is generally excellent but I did find a couple of phrases that were a little awkward or incorrect grammatically. For instance, "her hair escaping her ponytail" makes it sound as if her hair was busily escaping while he watched it. Perhaps better to say, "her hair, escaped from her ponytail, curling and frizzing around her face..."

Later, you say, "The bulk of the remaining bits of paper were random scraps..." Strictly speaking, that should be "...are random scraps" because the verb refers to "the bulk." But I agree that both alternatives sound wrong because of all the plurals surrounding "was/were." It might be better to dodge the issue by saying something like, "All but one of the remaining scraps were..."

These are minor matters that would probably escape notice by most readers. The story is very well written, without any glaring errors and it is very well presented in style and flow. A most enjoyable read, indeed.

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115
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Review of Sisters  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Interesting format you've chosen. I expected a poem until I read your description - indicating, quite clearly, prose. So as prose I must read it.

It turns out to be an accurate summation of the relationship between sisters and, if I may make the point, all siblings. In sticking to the most essential elements of the relationship, the piece retains a universality that speaks to all those who have siblings. There's no need to go into great detail here since it's the more general observations that we all can relate to.

So the piece succeeds as a simple yet profound statement of the feeling uniting siblings as other groups can never be. It's a powerful piece indeed.

To return to the matter of form, I wonder if the piece would be as effective if it had been in a more usual form for prose. I suspect that it might miss the target in that case. The separation of each point into a distinct, centered paragraph makes it stand out as separately as true as it is in relation to all the other lines. Very thoughtful.

You have used only two of the allowed three genres under the heading. One more could be Emotional to pull in a few more readers.

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116
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Review of A Long Trip  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
If you invent a land, then it is yours to command! And here we have a story with that old fashioned thing, a moral, tacked on at the end. Nothing wrong in that - indeed, it's a pity we don't attend to such things more often. Much of the fare we're fed these days is the very opposite of moral.

But, to the story! It's a simple enough thing, with one character wanting to dream and the other wanting to sleep. A situation that finds its solution by satisfying both needs in dreaming while asleep. The writing is straightforward, dialogue is natural and unforced, and everything trundles along merrily to its conclusion. I can't fault it, although I might have chosen Fantasy instead of Experience as one of the three genres allowed in the header. Otherwise, I'm thinking that this actually happened and that might be a wrong tack entirely!

But it's an excellent little story that gets its point across most effectively.

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117
117
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I don't often review poetry but this one caught my eye as I was flicking through the pages of Read & Review. The sonorous, chantlike quality of it fascinated me. I've always thought that forms like the triolet are excuses to get a longer poem out of very few lines, but now I see that much depends on the quality of the lines and how they reveberate in the mind. This poem succeeds in holding interest where too many fail.

The length of the lines is important, each one holding a complete thought that appears fresh and immediate to the reader, while being bound to the other lines by rhymes that are completely natural, yet sing like a ribbon pulling everything together. And all this, using an old and well worn fairy tale as the basis for story. It's really a beautiful little piece.

The title gives away the meaning, of course. This is a modern fairy tale in which Cinderella has no need of supernatural help to win the prince and she is, indeed, in full control of events. My one doubt is in the last stanza. Does the triolet require that the last verse be exactly the same as the first? It seems to me to be too much of a good thing, a repetition that would be more effective if altered slightly, perhaps in the order of the lines. And my fear is that it reminds me of my earlier criticism of these "reusable line" forms.

It remains a fine poem, however. A truly remarkable demonstration of the form.

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Beholden


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Review of The Night Shift  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I like this and probably would even if I hadn't become somewhat of a connoisseur of flash fiction over the last year or so. It kinda breaks the rules a bit in that it doesn't keep the salient fact to itself until the last line, instead allowing the realisation to dawn gradually on the reader during the telling, but this works so well that it shows what rules are for - to be broken when necessary.

This gives a much gentler feeling to the whole piece - no rude awakenings or sudden surprises. In fact, that's entirely appropriate as the married couple come to a greater understanding of each other. To be honest, the only line that jars is the one required by the contest (as is so often the case - prompt setters can be so mundane at times). What we learn about the husband is that he's very understanding of his wife and for him to demand an explanation like that is just out of character.

Anyway, that's hardly your fault. The piece is well written, without flaw in grammar and technique and gets everything said within the word limit. I would suggest that you change Contest Entry as one your chosen genres for something more meaningful to the prospective reader, but that's about it.

Thanks for a most enjoyable read.

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this on several levels. It's an insight into that will o' the wisp, inspiration. And it's a tale of how a song came to be written. Plus, it's an uplifting tale, a story of hope in the meanest of situations. You tell it so well, we can almost hear the rhythm tapped out by the shoeshine boy. The reader feels as though he's been there and seen this - though how many of us have really seen a shoeshine boy in action?

Description is so important to this piece - yet not flowery, expansive lists of emotive words, but bald statements of fact, as though we sit with Johnny, taking in the glimpses of the scene as they occur. It's unobtrusive description like this that convey the essence of the story, much of it to do with sound and music as inspiration reaches Johnny as he watches. In these moments is creativity born.

It's a gem of a piece, one that I can't fault (although I would suggest that you pick a genre other than Other to attract more readers). Well done.

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Beholden


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Review of Friday Nights  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
You can write but you let yourself down when it comes to editing. There are too many mistakes to ignore in this beautiful little piece. I'll list them for you in a moment but first I must say how much I enjoyed reading this.

You allowed the story to reveal itself so naturally, especially when it is considered how odd were the phrases you had to include according to the contest requirements. It takes time for the reader to understand the full picture and what is going on, but understand he does, and the journey there is what is so enjoyable. It draws the reader into the action and holds him there. Quite masterfully and yet quietly done - an admirable technique.

So unassuming yet charming a story too. It's the way you have told it that gives it such power. A tiny gem that sparkles from the page.

And then there's the errors. It's the work of a moment to fix them but I really shouldn't have to list them like this.

"With breaths held the pair pinned a piece of paper" - Should be, "With breath held, the pair pinned a piece of paper"

Alaster is first spelt like that but then becomes Alister. You say he was "laying upside down' but you mean he was "lying upside down." Unless he was a chicken, of course. We only "lay down" when it's a thing we're putting down.

"hard luck looser" should be "hard luck loser." "Lose" means to misplace, "loose" is what your shirt might be.

There are other places that should really have commas, and the marble earns a capital letter in the final paragraph for some reason, but these are so minor that they're hardly worth mentioning. The others are the kind of things that distract a reader, however, and so they need to be dealt with. You should be catching them, not me.

It's such a pity to lessen the impact of so beautiful a piece with such minor niggles. I would suggest a spelling checker and, maybe, a grammar checker. They won't pick up the laying/lying and lose/loose errors, however. Those just have to be memorised.

Wonderful writing.

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I think this is a very clever piece of work. It is very short and intended only as an introduction to a much larger work, but in these few words you have established much of the basic world that the story is to be set in. And you have done this without resorting to a huge info dump that reads more like an encyclopedia entry than a story. No, you have conveyed the information within a little story of its own, an egg being transported by rushing water to another place where it can await rebirth.

What have we learned? That the occupant of the egg is a dragon and that a dragon needs a rider before it can be born beyond the egg. That this is a process that may take many years or even ages. Nowhere is this stated as a sort of biology lesson on dragons - you feed the reader little details and it's the reader who has to put them together to understand how it works. So much more fun and allowing the reader a sense of accomplishment and participation in the writing. It's the essence of good writing.

I am not sure where the Comedy mentioned as a genre comes in. Maybe I missed something but I didn't see anything to laugh at in the piece - it was all too delightful for that. Dark also looked a bit of a stretch to me. It might be better if you were to choose a different pair of genres that bear a little more relation to the piece - Mythology and Animal would be suitable, I think.

It's a minor point but sometimes it can be the silliest things that put a reader off reading at all. Best not to risk it!

Certainly the piece functions as an excellent introduction to the larger that is to follow. A quite magical piece of work that is a very enjoyable read.

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Review of coming home.  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like this. It's very powerful writing, with clear images plucked from vague memories, presented as felt without any attempt to prettify or embellish.

Strangely, the mud is the most enduring detail recalled. And so honestly described, reawakening in us all that terrible but wonderful feeling of soft mud oozing between the toes. Perhaps this, indeed, is the very essence of childhood.

Altogether it's an astounding combination of conflicting sights, sounds and experiences, with no regard for sequence or chronologically correct time, just produced as though dredged from the depths for us right here and now. It's a piece that speaks in words of a time barely remembered and a performance of itself in the haunting beauty of its descriptions.

This is a wonderful piece of writing and I can find nothing wrong in it. What a high standard you have set for yourself to continue to achieve for us.

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Review of Obsession  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
It would help if you had given a quick rundown of the contest's requirements. I've no doubt it shaped your entry to some extent at least, and this would give the prospective reader or reviewer some idea of what you were aiming at. As it is, I am left wondering just what the piece is supposed to be. And to describe it as Other doesn't help at all.

It matters, you see. If it's supposed to be a story, it doesn't work because it doesn't go anywhere. It might be a vignette, but a very unusual one since it is entirely taken up with the description of Jenna. And that's the only clue I'm given - it's certainly a full, detailed and vivid description of this imagined character. But do they have contests for descriptions? I've not seen one.

If they do, this piece would be a winner. You have a powerful ability to describe things, almost too powerful at times, when you tend to run away with your marvellous images and metaphors. You have a gift for painting things with original and striking images (I love "the giant yawn of the sky"). A problem may be that you know it - you have a tendency to go overboard with your descriptions, piling on one image after another until they get lost in a writhing mass of colour and light. The reader comes out confused and not really having a coherent view of what you were trying to communicate.

You need to be in control of what you want the reader to understand. Don't pour images over him, shoot them individually at him, giving time between each for them to be absorbed. Watch the grammar too - there are times when it gets lost and it becomes debatable what exactly you're talking about. An example is this: "a junked yellow mantrap clanking through an empty stretch on a muggy night, that’s been more like the outsides of a beer can – glistening with sweat, reflecting light of (off) its dark, slender fluid body..." What is being described here, the cab, Jenna or an experience? Wonderful, brilliant words, but descriptive of what? If the reader can't tell, they're wasted.

The thing is, you have a gift for description but it has to have a purpose. Aim it at getting across some aspect of Jenna, then make sure the essential points are being stated but no more. If you've heard a phrase before, cut it out - it's as good as a cliché. Do two descriptions fight or contradict each other? One of them has to go - choose the one that hits hardest.

Now, after all this work on Jenna, you have to do something with her. Having come to know Jenna to some extent, the reader is going to want a reason to have done so. Where's she going, what is about to happen, what story are we getting involved in? A glance at the genres you've listed in the header tells us nothing - we need to have some idea of where the piece is going and what we can expect from it. Don't avoid telling readers this - you'll lose some of them that way.

You have a fantastic talent. It's not often such access to bright and startling images is granted. Now you have to direct it, to give a purpose to the wonderful visions you create. Talent gives a headstart but no headstart lasts forever. Give me story!

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Review of Terabytes and Graphene by Wrath.of.Khan

Initial Impression:

You have said tha the piece is envisioned as a sort of Bladerunner 4949, and I definitely get that feeling from it. I was quite drawn into it from the beginning but then began to get a bit lost in the unexplained details introduced by the second woman (the one you call Not-Amber). Presuming that you will unravel these details in a later chapter, I ploughed on, but it's something you need to think about. Is it a good idea to throw so many unexplained factors at the reader so soon? I'll list them under a heading below and let you decide.

Title:

Fits with an unexplained detail in this first chapter. I know about terabytes but graphene has me groping. Sure, I could Google it, but would a prospective reader looking at titles? And don't get all tech-superior about it - chase away the tech-challenged and you're scaring off readers. So I think you need a more straightforward and catchy title.

Content:

No grammar errors or other writing whoopsies that I could find. You write well and know how to deal with dialogue and pace. Very sophisticated and knowledgeable style but, as mentioned earlier, you may be in danger of shooting yourself in the foot in this area. Let's look at those points where you ask the reader to bear with an unexplained detail.

"a woman saunters in and pixelates into whole" - a huge hint that this woman is not what she seems. A SF reader will know that all will become clear and will be prepared to wait. But you'll not get away with this forever.

"My system databases are so much bigger." - Obviously part of the mystery above but it doesn't help someone struggling to understand.

"An army of engineers couldn't optimize this..." - Optimise what?

"the pads of her fingertips fade into his skin." - She really isn't just a woman, is she? It's about here that I begin to lose patience.

"Question indicates the algorithm is working quite well." - Enough already! D'you see what I mean? You're building a huge backlog of questions that need answering if the reader is going to understand what's going on. The answer may be pretty simple but it needs to be given now - later will lose you readers.

The device on his temple - Even Not-Amber is mystified by this. And I can hardly blame her for walking out when he refuses to answer her question.

SF writers love this game of tantalising with weird facts that remain unexplained until later. It builds a sense of the strangeness of the future and SF readers are used to it. But you can't push it too far without losing the reader. At the very least, I think you should tell us in this chapter that Not-Amber is an android of some kind (that's my guess). Then the related facts can be filled in at another time.

Characters

You wanted to know whether there's enough building of character for the relationship between Krim and Not-Amber to be apparent and believable. I think they're both well drawn and I detect a certain romantic feeling in Not-Amber towards Krim. Presuming she's an android, thst would be highly unusual and would indicate that the algorithm is indeed working rather well - perhaps better than Krim intended (okay, so my guess extends beyond that she's an android but it's just a guess until you confirm it).

Style:

Nothing wrong here - in fact, I'll go so far as to compliment you on your ability to present a fascinating and gripping tale.

Flow/Pace:

Again, you have this one nailed down. Flows appropriately without hiccup.

Suggestions:

Hmm, I've made a few already, haven't I? They all boil down to one big one, however, and that should be easily mended.

Overall Impression:

You know how to create a story and write it in a coherent and attractive way. Think about how the reader will react to what you're writing and you should be a star. Thanks for a highly enjoyable read.

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Beholden


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Review of Nunsense  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
It's an interesting idea, possibly with the makings of a series - Calvin and the Time-Travelling Nun! I mean, there must be other ways to employ such an ability, beyond evicting the occasional demon.

You carry off the story well, keeping up the pace and providing plenty of vivid action, much of it amusing. Comedy is a difficult thing to do in print (belly laughs are few and far between) but you provided plenty of smiles. And all this without typos or obvious errors. Someone has been doing a good editing job!

I have one quibble. That "CAAAALLLVVVVIIINN" is unnecessary, I feel. Just capitalising each letter is enough to show that it's shouted (which kind of makes a nonsense of the statement that she whispered it, however loudly). Multiplying letters is cartoony and we can get the same effect by just adding an exclamation mark at the end. That's what they're for, after all.

Other than that, I can't fault it. You could draw in a few more readers by adding a genre to the two already chosen in the heading, but that's it. Well done!

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