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Review Requests: ON
1,095 Public Reviews Given
1,096 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a review template that is only used for in depth reviews, usually those that are specifically requested. These will be as comprehensive as I can manage, including everything I have noticed in reading the piece. Most of my reviews, however, are more in the nature of reactions to the piece with brief notes on things I find particularly good and suggestions on dealing with any obvious flaws in the writing.
I'm good at...
Reviews of stuff I particularly like. If I think the writing is good and the ideas original and inventive, I will say so and become enthusiastic about it. I will point out flaws, particularly where I feel that they interfere with a positive reaction to the piece, but I will also offer suggestions for fixing such problems.
Favorite Genres
I have a broad spectrum of genres I'll review. It's easier for me to list the genres I won't touch.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, erotica, overly dark subjects without a good reason for existence.
Favorite Item Types
I'm unsure what is meant by this - I would have thought the genres sections covered this.
Least Favorite Item Types
See previous section.
I will not review...
Again, see the genres section that lists the genres I won't review.
Public Reviews
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126
126
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
In the book Catch 22, there's a character by the name of Major. He is an elder brother so is called Major Major. In the Air Force he is promoted, inevitably, to the rank of Major, meaning that he becomes Major Major Major. So it's an old joke but yours is more subtle - the clever combination that is Captain Hauptmann being evident only to those in the know.

Your story is no Catch 22 and never intended to be, but it holds its head up high as a flawlessly written tale of a romance interrupted, lost, and then saved. I found it to be an excellent read, unpretentious, straightforward but heartwarming and, ultimately, proving that there's nothing wrong with happy endings.

If there is a criticism of it to be made, I think it must be that it is a bit squeaky clean. To a certain extent, it holds the reader a little distance from the tale, avoiding a close involvement with what is, at times, an extremely active and boisterous history of a man who is a Christian, yes, but no milksop. To be truly involving, the story should bring us in closer to Noah's time in the special forces and the fight that caused the death of his comrades. Only in this way can his brief skirmish with the bouncers and crooks in the brothel become entirely believable in its outcome.

I know it's being a bit picky, but a reviewer's job is partly to suggest possible improvements to the story, and that's all I can think of. Whether you decide to act on my advice is entirely up to you, of course. And, whatever you decide, it's a thoroughly enjoyable read. Thank you.

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Beholden


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127
127
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Yes, but what did the number mean?

Sorry, couldn't resist it. The tale drew me in, tantalised me with a number and then held it close to its chest, refusing to say any more. I think that's going to be the reaction of anyone who reads this. Is that a bad thing? I'm unsure but it's not the kind of thing I would attempt without having a good answer to the question. You've built up so much expectation that it's best to have some sort of denouement, good or bad, that gives completion to the reader.

So what could the answer be? It might be a Swiss bank account number and be the key to a drawer that holds Pandora's box, just waiting for someone to find it and draw all the world's ills back to it. It could be Dr Watson's telephone number in heaven and he has the script of Sherlock Holmes' last case ready for you to publish. It has a chance of being the co-ordinates of a black hole that is about to swallow the earth and spit it out in a new universe. All that matters is that you have an answer, no matter how ridiculous it is.

I've spent far too long in pondering the possibilities in this. The story as written is entertaining, well written and fun. And now I'm wondering whether it was a good idea to bring in the number at all. It's a good enough tale with the 23rd note alone and some less earth-shattering reason for its being spun to give the story a bite at the end. The number raises too many hopes, I think.

As regards presentation, it would be an idea to drop Contest Entry and Other from the genre section in the header. Neither of them are likely subjects for search on the net and they don't bring in any readers as a result. Replace them with something like Mystery and Fantasy, for instance, and you'll pull in more readers.

Great little story - needs an ending.

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128
128
Review of The Wallet  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A story with a happy ending! And I thought chivalry was dead. I've just come from a tale that ended in cannibalism so it's doubly a relief to me.

It's a quiet, comforting tale until the discovery that the wallet's a bit lighter than it should be. Beware handsome strangers in ten-gallon hats! But all turns out well, thanks to the waitress having so similar a history as Victoria's.

To be honest, I think the story needs a little more pzazz to really make the charts. Note that there's very little dislogue in the tale - while not essential, a bit more dialogue could draw the reader into the tale and make the ending more of a relief. Take our friend, the trucker, for instance. We hardly know him and it's not much of a surprise when he turns out to be a pickpocket. Give us more of their conversation in the diner and perhaps even spice it up a bit by allowing Victoria to become a bit enamoured of him through their chat. Then it becomes quite a shock that he stoops so low as to steal her remaining cash.

There were also two minor quibbles I noticed as I was reading. You say "The sun was up for hours when she woke." This makes me wonder how she knew the sun had so much to do. I would express it by saying "The sun had been up for hours when she woke."

And then there's this: "Returning to her bright blue Subaru..." She's been in the car for hours and only now do we learn that it's a bright blue Subaru (ooh, a rhyme). It doesn't really matter at this stage, especially as Victoria is in a panic about her lost cash. It's the kind of detail that needs to be mentioned at the beginning of the journey, if at all.

You write very well with very few errors of grammar or expression, establishing a pleasant flow throughout the journey, and including just sufficient description to give us a sense of place. With a little polishing, this could be an excellent example of tight and expressive writing.

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129
129
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
It's an odd mixture, you know. Starts as a school prank, a way to meet girls and have an easy time. Morphs suddenly into a recipe for Refrigerator Blackberry Pie, then ends sudenly as a horror story. Does it work? Well, I think I have to say no - not quite.

I can accept the sudden recipe - it's in line with the main subject, at least. But the element of horror is so alien to the rest of the tale that it oversteps into farce. It's too ridiculous to be believed. With a bit more preparation, a gradual building of sinister hints and foretastes (if I dare use the word in this context), it could be a nasty and decidedly scary end to the tale. It could be the whole point that brings the tale to life, ironically. But, as it is, I think it fails.

My advice would also be to drop the recipe. Although it follows the theme, it's really inappropriate in the context of the story. It also detracts from any effect that the soup surprise that follows might have. Really, you have at least two pieces here that would be happier on their own.

Which is a shame, because you have considerable descriptive skills and tell a rollicking good story until the recipe intrudes. There are also several minor grammatical and spelling errors in the text but these are easily mended by the use of a decent spelling and grammar checker. They won't catch everything but will certainly produce an acceptable result.

You have a distinctive voice and this gives an advantage when speaking of the things you know. There is real authority in telling tales of the people and places you have experience of. I suspect this tale was born in some prank envisaged in your school days. That is the right way to go.

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Beholden


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130
Review of Ambushed  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


And a happy anniversary from me too!

I've always maintained that Zane Grey was one of the greats of American literature. And there's no shame in following in those footsteps. You tell a fine tale, sir, and a most enjoyable one to boot.

It's a well told story, with few errors of grammar, many of those that do occur actually adding to the authenticity of the tale as the dialect of reported speech begins to meld into the narrative. I've picked out a few minor quibbles that you might want to attend to, but the story remains very good, just as it is.

Like myself, you have a slight tendency to cram too much information into a single sentence. I understand completely how you want the reader to see what is happening, but it can get a bit overpowering at times. Here's an example:

"He spurred the horse through unusually thick broom weed urging him toward a small stand of Mesquite at the base of another Texas mountain a half mile away to the northwest." Are all those facts really vital to the plot? Does the precise location of the mountain matter? Sometimes, for the sake of the reader's patience, we have to keep back some info and trust to the reader's ability to imagine things for himself.

Then there's this that I don't quite understand:

"...he worried with removing pain of the bouncing arrow." I think I know what you're getting at but it's not clear. Perhaps something like "he worked at removing the pain of the bouncing arrow." would work better. In the next sentence you repeat the word "pain," always a bit distracting for the reader. There are plenty of synonyms that could be used instead.

In the following sentence, there's some info that doesn't appear to make sense:

"...Indian woman who had evidently nurtured his wounds, and was protecting him, but was also concerned about the safety of his men." It's Hoot who is thinking this so why would he suppose that the woman had concern for his men? How could she even know about them and, even if she did know somehow, how would Hoot know that? It needs sorting out, I think.

Finally, there's a minor niggle in that "along side" should be "alongside."

In spite of these minor quibbles, the story is very enjoyable and reads well. It's been a pleasure to review it.

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Beholden


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131
131
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


And a happy anniversary from me, too.

Hah, you had me going there for a while. It wasn't until I noticed you'd classified this as fiction that I stopped asking silly questions. Which must tell us something about the believability of the piece, its fascination for the unwary reader, and my gullibility.

I can't deny it's a brilliant idea for a new way to write fiction, to create a story within what appears to be a scientific report. The explosion of questions it encourages continues to expand into my head, even though I know now it's fiction. If only it were true!

Of course, even with my limited scientific knowledge, I have a suggestion as to how the find could have been created. But that hardly matters now. What does matter is that I'm supposed to give my opinion on the literary value of the piece. I've aleady mentioned that I think it's a brilliant idea for getting across a truly different story. So much for the guy who said there are only seven stories in the world (or how many he presumed to guess at). The sad thing is that it can only be done once, unless you want to become known as the guy who writes scientific spoofs. Which, now I think about it, could provide a pretty healthy living. The possibilities for comedy are astounding.

As to the quality of your writing, I see no problems there. You certainly had me fooled for a while. Your presentation is fine, with only a suggestion of a white lie in the claim to Research as a genre. This could easily be fixed by a change to Comedy - which I think the piece has, in effect.

The thing is, how many people consider the details in the heading before reading the piece? I can see the idea of gold in coprolites cropping up all over the internet in no time. You could even start a whole new form of gold rush with people demanding to know where your coprolite was found.

But I allow my imagination to charge off into the realms of fantasy. The plain fact is that you've written a gem of a story in this, I can find no flaws in it, and must award five stars as a result. Excellently done!

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Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
132
132
Review of Punta Mala  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ah, resolution by deflation - very clever. D'you know, I love this story, even though I saw the surprise ending coming a mile off. The rest of the tale is so strong and the writing so good that it really doesn't matter. And this wonderful character is going to get the death he wishes for sooner or later - he's that set on it. Although it's a neat little story in itself, this is just an episode in a much larger story.

Not that I would insist on you continuing it. You have done all that's necesaary, creating the character and his determination and all the possibilities to come, just so the reader can fall in love with them. Now it's up to the reader to make whatever ending he will. Wonderful stuff.

For the sake of the contest I'm involved in, I do have to offer suggestions for improvement. That's gonna be difficult considering how good it is, but I'll have a go. One picky little thing I noticed on the way through was this:

You have a tendency to be unsure when joining words together. For instance, you write "heart-rate" whereas it should be "heart rate," and "over-head" when "overhead is correct, "along side" is "alongside." Whenever I hit even a slight doubt with such things, I give 'em a quick check by entering them in Google. Just enter them in the search bar and Google will tell you what's right.

In the heading, you've chosen the genres Contest Entry and Other, neither of which are likely to bring in readers searching under particular genre headings. Choose three options in a meaningful way and you'll increase your potential readership considerably.

And that's all I can find. Thanks for a wonderful read of an entertaining and amusing tale.

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Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
133
133
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


And a happy anniversary from me too!

This is a powerful poem, whether your first attempt at free verse or not. I've not delved into your rhymed poetry at all but, on this showing, you really need to keep giving the free stuff a look-in. Of course, it was written over ten years ago so, for all I know, you may have written many more since. But I thought, just in case, you needed to be told that your talent definitely extends to free verse.

There are some pointers I can give you, if you're inclined to take my humble advice. It's a common mistake for new free versers to use ultra-short lines but it's a mistake. They're distracting for the reader, giving a sort of strobe effect to both the words and the meaning. This poem, for instance, would be easily and instantly improved if you were to combine much of it into longer lines, grouping thoughts, ideas, phrases, rather than single words. Just as an example, the last stanza can be rendered as follows:

"Nothing is lonelier than
goodbyes never said."

Of course, it's only my opinion and you're free to do what you think best.

Then there's the matter of the thin line between obscurity and being understood. Since we're writing poetry and endeavouring to put down in words things that are almost impossible to communicate, it's inevitable that there are times when we become obscure. But we should beware the temptation to hide the most sensitive parts of our being behind obscurity. It takes courage to be open about matters that are painful but in these are the finest poems of all. A lifetime is barely enough to break through all our defences but every step forward makes us the better poet.

This poem walks the narrow line I've described. There are moments that I don't fully understand but only you can know whether they're hidden through fear or can be opened to view. It's a hard choice.

I see that you modified this poem as recently as 2022. That makes me wonder what you changed at that time! But poems are living things, growing with us, so it's natural that we should tinker away, seeking perfection.

Finally, I have to mention your name. How wonderfully impressive and writerly it is. With a name like that, you're surely destined for greatness. So much better than the likes of me, who has to struggle along with a pseudonym like Beholden, all the while pondering on possible pen names.

And thanks for a wonderful read!

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Beholden


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134
134
Review of The Silent Night  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


And a happy anniversary from me too!

I found this story by avoiding the many horse tales promised in your bio. Not really a fan of horses. But this is an excellent piece, well written and quite gripping. You describe the scene very clearly, the three friends fooling drunkenly on a raft and the lights of the party on shore. There's a hint of trouble brewing, however, as the antics on the raft get more daring. All handled expertly by you.

The final comeuppance of the revels is quite shocking, in spite of the growing sense of unease, and this justifies your selection of HorrorScary as a genre. In fact, it had me wondering whether it went too far. Would a shark really be so hungry as to take two victims in so short a time? It seems awfully aggressive for a creature that tends to err on the side of caution when choosing its prey. But I suppose, if Steven Spielberg can get away with Jaws, you're entitled to the same leeway. It makes for such a scary adversary, too!

There were some points that I think could be improved. You have a slight tendency to pile on the details to the point of superfluity. I've picked a few instances as examples:

"we were able to carry on anyway we so desired without anyone judging us or telling us what to do" - it's really stating the same thing three times over.

"all I can recall now are bits of my friend's scuffed elbows and knees flashing and bending in the starlight" as opposed to a later statement that "It was so dark we couldn't tell where the ocean ended" - kinda hard to believe that it was that dark but you could see that your friend's elbows and knees were scuffed.

"to be invisible to all those we left behind under the lights on shore" - you've told us enough already about the party for it to be sufficient to say "...invisible to all those on shore."

"were out about 100 feet from shore" and, later "the shore, only 100 yards away" - I think it should be one or the other.

Finally, I'm not sure that the word "sinisterly" exists. Might be better to pick another word or rephrase the sentence.

These are all easily mended points and you may well disagree with me. It's my opinion that they are distracting to a reader and the piece would be that much better without them. It remains a strong and gripping piece, however. Well done!

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Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
135
135
Review of The Note...  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


And happy anniversary from me too!

This is an amusing little tale with a happy outcome, especially for the character, June. It's full of innocent fun and the possibility of disaster - which is what makes the ending such a relief, of course. A most enjoyable read, in fact.

Part of my job as a reviewer is to offer suggestions for improvement of the piece and I have a few. For instance, you do have a tendency toward long sentences with little relief for the reader. The worst offender is this: "June turned her head in the direction her friend pointed, and when she found him, Johnny, the most popular boy in 5th grade was staring at her with a huge smile on his face, and she blushed, and everyone giggled." This would be far better if broken down as follows: "June turned her head in the direction her friend pointed. Johnny, the most popular boy in 5th grade, was staring at her with a huge smile on his face. She blushed and everyone giggled." Note that I've removed "and when she found him" as it's unnecessary.

Be sparing with that word "and" - it gets you in too much trouble. In the following case, it makes you start giving out chuckles as if they were candy: "...looked and found June and then gave a small chuckle to his friend." Much easier and smoother to say, "He found June and chuckled."

The first sentence in the fourth paragraph is another marathon and needs to be divided into more manageable sentences. You can see that your main problem is knowing when to end a sentence. I would suggest that you limit yourself to just one "and" in any sentence, thereby forcing any more information to go into a subsequent sentence.

Finally, a word about presentation. I see you used only two of the three options for genre and they were Contest Entry and Other. Neither tells a prospective reader anything about the story. If you're trying to attract readers, make sure that you give three meaningful answers to the genre question, even if it's not easy to think of a third that applies. All genres pull in readers searching for stories of that type and you will broaden your readership by giving such details.

As I said in the beginning, you have a delightful tale in this and, with just a little editing, it can be so much better. Don't be deterred and keep writing!

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Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
136
136
Review of You  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This shows a lot of potential. I like its direct approach, its confession of ignorance of the cause of feeling, and the need to feel more. It's so familiar and common to us all, I should imagine.

It is a little bit wordy, however, meaning that it tends to use two words where one would do and sometimes repeats itself. The first stanza is perfect and should be left alone - it says what it has to say without artifice and is a powerful and moving statement as a result. In the second stanza, the words "but just as" are not really necessary - the meaning is communicated faster and even more urgently if you just say, "Quick to come, quick to leave." And I think the repeat of the word "leave" later in the stanza is slightly distracting for the reader. Perhaps better to say "go" the second time.

In the third stanza, you don't need the word "like." "Your touch is electricity" is more powerful and immediate. Then there's a typo - "Corsing" should be "Coursing."

The last two lines are a bit long and clumsy. Try to be more direct in what you say and don't worry too much about grammar. For instance, you could change them like this:

"Suddenly feeling the summer heat all over

I'm too scared of this feeling."

These are suggestions and I'm not expecting that you would change the poem unless you feel strongly that I am right. It's more that they're given to show how you can make your writing tighter and more efficient, getting right to the heart of the matter, rather than circling around it. Your poem remains very emotive and affecting for the reader. I've not seen many more honest and truthful renderings of young love.

Oh, I meant to say, too, that you can pull in more readers to your items if you use all three of the genres allowed. Even if you have to stretch things a little on the third choice, you'll reach people searching for more genres and it won't matter how accurate you are once they start reading.

Beautiful little poem and I congratulate you on it.

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Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
137
137
Review of The P is Silent  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


And a happy anniversary from me too.

The P is Silent is a delightful tale of a young girl who saw a pterodactyl one day. Her struggle to find someone to come with her to photograph it forms the majority of the story that follows. The interaction between the girl and those who are reluctant to accompany her is recounted with great understanding and observation, resulting in a tale that holds the reader spellbound right the way through until the end. And the end, when it comes, is both pleasing and heart-warming. Although she's had such a fight to be believed, her brother's faith in her makes it all worthwhile.

You have told the story so well and entertained me greatly, so that it seems churlish to point out weaknesses now. But I have to find a few suggestions for improvement if I'm to meet the requirements of the contest I'm currently involved in. So here's a few minor things that you could fix in a few moments.

You could make the font a bit larger. Older people (and there are plenty of them in WDC - me for instance) often find it difficult to read small font sizes and you want to be sure of gaining as big an audience as possible. Make it easy for them to read your piece.

In the same connection, if you were to drop Contest Entry as one of your genres (it's not something that people search for, after all), you could add another genre that, while still relevant to the piece, would interest more people looking for something to read.

Finally, there is the matter of "laying," a subject that I hate to bring up because I know that it's often used in local dialects in the way you have done. The plain fact is that, in standard English, you should say "figured it was lying on the ground," not "laying." We can lie down but we have to lay an object down.

It's a wonderful story that might be marginally improved by the adjustments recommended by me. I had to work hard to find them, however - your writing is generally quite flawless.

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Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
138
138
Review of Just Visiting  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


And from me too!

You're good at these Just Dialogue things, aren't you? I've read a few now and they're all very natural, unforced, and tell some surprisingly complex stories. Such as this one. It's very clever. I admit I began to suspect that Nathan was a ghost quite early on, but it really doesn't matter. The real surprise was in the mother's relationship to Nathan and you kept that until the last line. Excellent timing.

Everything flows very smoothly and the characters react just as we imagine they would. The result is a story that rolls out before us like a red carpet, inviting us to travel further in. It really is expertly done.

But you present me with a problem. I am using these reviews for other contests as well, and for one I'm required to make suggestions for improvement to the piece being reviewed. And you leave me with nothing to say. It's not a big deal to me because I still review the piece with my honest opinion but the fact remains, I'm missing out on points here!

Which is my way of saying how wonderful is this story. I really cannot find anything even slightly wrong with it. You even filled in all genre options and gave the piece an accurate title. Nothing for me to be picky about at all... *Sad*

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Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
139
139
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hmm, a lot of screaming in this one. Well, I can't say I wasn't warned and you certainly delivered. It's a fine tale of horror, very capably delivered. I haven't read such a blood-curdling story in a while.

You write well and clearly, not allowing the reader to wander from the point. In this way the story progresses efficiently, step by step, towards the scene of ultimate confrontation. There is perhaps a surfeit of adverbs and adjectives in this build-up, but nothing that a careful trimming won't mend.

One thought that did occur to me early on was the age of Beth. She is described as "my little sister," which gave me the image of a girl aged somewhere between eight and sixteen, but subsequent events force my guess beyond these limits. I would hazard the opinion now that she is "little" in age but not size. Could you avoid this by stating that she is the younger sister?

Finally, I found a typo! Here it is: "...on her knees before a amber pool..." A quick insertion of an "n" required there, methinks.

And that's about it, really. I can't say it's enjoyable from a personal point of view, horror not being my taste (although I seem to write a lot of it in WDC). But it's clearly an excellent representative of the genre and I applaud you, sir. Oh, and happy anniversary, of course!

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Beholden


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140
140
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a little gem of a story in the style of a folktale. It is told with simple but powerful directness, with the action aided by description as vivid as a Japanese painting. When I began reading, I thought I might have trouble keeping track of the names but, after the first flush, there were no more additions and I experienced no problems in this area.

The great strength of the piece is its description, brief, carefully worded sentences that bring the reader into the scene with immediacy and clarity. The seasons, in particular, are kept track of in this way and are woven into the fabric of the story as a result. The whole impression is of a beautiful tale told with simple but accurate words.

There are a few minor flaws in the telling, however. At times the language strays from the logical path to leave the reader unsure of what is meant. For example, in the fifth paragraph, this occurs: "Twice a day they passed the ruined temple..." It is not clear who "they" are, since Karou and Taori have parted and Karou is supposedly with the marquis. This needs to be clarified.

Towards the end of the tale, we come across this statement: "...he laid on the altar the charred bone a self-immolating suicide." This is confusing and needs to be either "he lay on the altar, a charred bone of a self-immolating suicide" or "he laid on the altar the charred bone of a self-immolating suicide." The word "laid" can be either the past tense of the verb "to lie," meaning to lie down, or the past tense of the subtly different verb "to lay," which means either "to put down" or has something to do with eggs and is usually done by chickens. So Kaori either lay down on the altar or he put a charred bone on the altar. Both actions are impossible in reality for, to be charred, he must already be dead, but I'll allow the artistic licence required. But which action is meant should be sorted out.

Earlier in the same paragraph, this phrase occurs: "...laying not on the altar..." It should be, "...lying not on the altar..."

Finally, there is a worrying shift of POV (point of view) in paragraph six. Suddenly we are viewing things through the marquis' eyes. This continues for long enough for the reader to feel sympathy for his plight (being ugly and married to a woman who clearly does not care for him). It interferes with our view of Kaori and Tarou and causes us to withdraw our sympathies slightly. It may be better just to report the marquis' actions without explaining them.

I've spent some time on these minor issues but only because they are subtle and difficult to explain. In fact, they detract little from the beauty of this story and the excellence of its telling. It's just that fixing them would make the piece that tiny bit better.

It's a wonderful tale, regardless.

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Beholden


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Review of Burning issue  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Sue. Happy WDC Anniversary! To celebrate, I thought I'd do this little review of your short story, Burning Issue. Great title, by the way.

It was for a contest that I wrote a piece for as well, so I was already familiar with the picture prompt. Your story is an excellent extrapolation from that starting point, having lots of colour, atmosphere, a detailed knowledge of the look of the Parisian setting at the time, and clever use of its characters, together with a carefully thought out plot. And I love the way you held back the info that Edouarde is actually Manet until close to the end! That was a delicious surprise nugget for me. Toulouse is not so easy to hide, of course.

The story is very well written but does contain a few niggles, however. All are easily fixed, so I will mention them here. The first thing that struck me was the irregular spacing between paragraphs. Sometimes you put a space between paragraphs and sometimes you don't. I thought this must be an anomaly caused by the difference between word processors, but it happens too often to be that. I think you are trying to establish a two-tier paragraph system in which the spaced paragraphs move the story on more than the ones that stay together. It doesn't work for me, as I think it spoils the presentation of the work and is easily construed as an error. My advice would be to get rid of the Returns within the paragraphs without spaces, leaving the text with only spaced paragraphs.

There are a few instances where sentences have been constructed incorrectly or in such a way that they can be misinterpreted. These are the ones that struck me:

"The stench from the Parisian sewers were obnoxious" - "stench" is singular.
"George cleared his throat, which turned into a series of hacking coughs..." - quite a feat!
"if not forgotten, had at least settled down and his name no longer headlines in the London Times" - needs to be "...his name WAS no longer..."

Finally, there's an error induced, ironically, by editing: "Both Edouarde and George were both determined to pursue Genevieve’s love." - One of those "both"s has to go.

It's a fine story and you tell it well, Sue. Too fine to be spoiled by such minor niggles but I, being a perfectionist, would quickly hide them! Most enjoyable reading.

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Beholden


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Review of Malls next step  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I chose this one to review because it's a vignette and actually labelled as such. Not often I get one of those, especially one that knows what it is!

Essentially, the piece is about a lady who knows a secret and contemplates speaking it to a certain someone to obtain a desired result. The content of the secret is never revealed, nor is the nature of the character concerned; even the name of the lady is unknown (unless "Duchess" is her nickname rather than her title). All we are told is that the Duchess relishes the thought of telling the secret.

It is little enough on which to build a story but this is both a sample and a vignette - so it's sufficient. Where I feel slightly short-changed is in the dearth of description of her surroundings. I think a vignette needs to concentrate more on description than plot and this piece cries out for it. For instance, "the suns dappled rays peppered brightness upon her" has interest beyond the typo of the sun having lost its apostrophe, but how did it become dappled? I must presume that there are branches and foliage above her but why am I not told about them? It's a perfect intro to describe the scene but it doesn't happen - a few more words would set the lady in place and we could more easily imagine the picture.

The rest of the vignette is concerned only with the lady's thoughts on the telling of the secret. It would work better if we were given at least a vague idea of the secret's content, but we aren't. Unless, of course, I'm too literal-minded to understand from the clues what it's all about. I would guess that I'm not alone in this.

So the essence of what I'm saying is that the piece needs a little more. Some background painting to brighten it up, and a little more info to hold the reader's interest. It's not bad but it could be better. Then you could add a couple more genres under the relevant tab and you'd pull in a few more readers.

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Review of Dance with me  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is an unusual subject, surprisingly brave in today's climate, and a very effective twist in the unexpected object of the narrator's love. It's cleverly constructed with one minor flaw in timing that I will mention later - I'm doing the good stuff first!

The story is quite powerful. It's highly original in conception and the build up is handled well, with suitable expressions of thwarted love and determination to do better. The writing is good but suffers from the modern disease of short sentences, one per point until it becomes a machine gun burst of little bullets aimed at the reader. Yes, we're told to keep our sentences short and that's only bad advice because it doesn't mention the need to throw in longer ones. Too many brief, abrupt statements and it begins to sound like a list. Vary the length and create an interesting mix of approaches and you'll keep the reader interested. It's contrast with longer sentences that give short sentences their power.

I have saud that you handle the build up well, but it stops too soon. The hand falling off is too much of a clue and it should be kept from the reader as long as possible. I guessed the reality as soon as that darned hand fell off. It's a great detail but keep it for the last paragraph (together with anything else that gives the game away) if at all possible. You have one killer punch and if you use it too early, the story will stagger around until it finally hits the canvas. You want to save that blow for the end and then knock the reader clear out of the ring.

Sorry, got a bit carried away with my own metaphor there. One remaining suggestion is that you create a habit of including a word count either at the beginning or the end of everything you write. This not only tells a potential reader or reviewer how long it is (thereby allowing him to assess whether he has the time to do it), but also ensures that you pay attention to any word count limitation set by any contest it might be written for. It saves you time in deciding whether a previously written piece is suitable for a contest that accepts old pieces.

In conclusion, you have written a great little story of considerable verve and humour. Think about fixing those few niggles that I mentioned, however.

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
It's very good, quite gripping in fact. The writing is fine, without serious flaw, and the story hooks the reader from the outset. It never lets go until the end. An excellent bit of writing and, if a continuation is planned (or even a prequel to give some reason to the killing of MacDonald), it would be even better.

There are a few things that gave me pause, however. And a pause interrupts the flow for the reader, which is only good if it's intended. The first was the sudden appearance of a bow from... Where? Keeley "found" it but what was it doing there and why was it conveniently loaded with an arrow? Maybe MacDonald sold bows (and arrows) but, if so, you need to say so. Otherwise the reader stops to wonder. Otherwise I think you're going to have to give Keeley some other means to do away with the storekeeper.

Then there's the matter of the window exploding outwards. Actual explosions would do that but not a fire, I think. Surely a fire would lower the pressure in a room since it consumes oxygen? Maybe I'm wrong but the point is that I stopped to ponder the point and some other readers might too. Research would settle the matter but it might be easier just have the fire set off an explosion by reaching some dynamite stocked for the purpose of mining. Nobody's going to argue with an explosion forcing a window to shatter outwards!

Finally, I'm not sure that the townsfolk wouldn't work out the cause of McDonald's death. Even though the fire would probably consume the arrow sticking into him, the wound might still be discernible to an autopsy. The arrowhead would certainly survive and would probably be dug out as well. So Keeley's escape might not be so easy after all. Maybe you should allow her to catch the train so she gets away immediately.

So there we have it - a cracking good story, slightly marred by a few doubts in the technical details. The writing is certainly good enough for these minor quibbles to be fixed.

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Fascinating poem. I don't know the folktale of the Mistletoe Bride, so I'm coming to this uninfluenced. At the same time, I may make awful mistakes in interpretation. Bear with me.

The first thing I notice is the wording - it's very beautiful, the words chosen carefully and rhyme not allowed to deflect from the correct choice. That was the second thing I noticed, the rhymes and near-rhymes. This avoids the clanging awkwardness of words forced together, not for accuracy, but because they happen to sound the same. Brave, adventurous and the right way to go.

Then there's the language. It's a wonderful mix of modern and past-poetic (if I can coin a phrase). Consider this, for instance:

"My voice frail with age. She will ne'er heed.
The last berry runs to dust in my hand."

The first line flirts deliciously with the past, clear-eyed description of "frail with age" piling on to the traditional "ne'er." And then the bald modern statement, "running to dust," the contrast demanding that we pay attention. And so appropriate, the poem dealing with the present discovery of a reminder of a past that changed lives forever.

I read the thing aloud, interested in the meter and the meaning, and now the full glory of the poem strikes me. The meter's steady beat, coupled with the step-by-step unfolding of the tale, leads us on from vivid image to sparkling vision and ultimate understanding. I sorta get it - the Mistletoe Bride.

Ideally, I would love to deal with each line in turn, considering its meanings and the effect it creates, but this a quest I'm on, a matter of piling on reviews to earn as much as I can, and I cannot spare the time. I'm even supposed to offer ways to improve the piece and that seems impossible now. I'll have a dig and see if I can muster a few quibbles in a moment, although I doubt it.

The plain fact is that this is a beautiful, atmospheric and soaring poem and there's no way I can improve it.

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is delightful. I've had some success with inanimate objects myself, and even written a poem of praise of their faithfulness, but nothing as all-encompassing as this. The names, so mysterious in your description of the piece, come to life and understanding one by one as we traipse (the only word for the way this beautiful piece flows to our minds) through Mrs. Frufrubottom's day. I love it.

To be honest, I can find no flaw in it and this doesn't help my quest at all. I'm supposed to offer suggestions for improvement to fill the requirements of the particular contest I'm involved in, but I can think of nothing. The darn thing is perfect. I can't even point at areas in the presentation that can be tweaked. In the end, I'm going to have to do this one as contest-unrelated, since there's no way I'm passing it by without applause.

May I congratulate you on an excellent piece of work?

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Ah, if only the world was that simple. Seriously, I think that's about the only weakness in the story. I really cannot see a whole town deciding to shop in the more expensive stores through loyalty to the local businesses. Some would, yes, and that's why limited drives such as Buy American exist. But never enough to beat the big guys. And this is what leaves your story without enough conflict to really grip the reader. Everything seems far too easy.

How to fix it? I think, to do that, you're going to have to cut back on the reader learning so much about Jolene. It's relevant that she's been a marine and seen corruption in the Middle East - this gives her enough motivation to sort things out when she gets home. But the meeting with local businesses is too long and doesn't tell us a lot. It doesn't matter who the owners of the small businesses are - it's sufficient to know that they're in danger of going under. So we can trim a lot as we build to the battle with the Biggies.

And that should give you some room to make the struggle closely fought and more engaging as a result. Just a suggestion.

You're also very light on details of how the local populace is persuaded to join the campaign. It needs a little work to outline the strategy, I think.

Apart from these points, you write well, with no errors that I could mention and a grasp of how to keep the story flowing along. The one remaining quibble I have is your choice of Contest Entry as one of the three genres allowed. No one searches for contest entries so you need to pick something else that relates to the story's subject and that can draw readers in.

It's good to see someone noticing the problems confronting small businesses these days. One more voice raised in good sense!

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Review of Countdown  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Clever. I like things that end with them flying up their own fundaments. There's a sort of circular symmetry about them.

But you are certainly right about being careful with the inner dialogue business. The No Dialogue Contest would have been a lot easier if they hadn't added that little humdinger. And I say that even if I was a bit of a "Karl, the class know-every-damn-thing-about-every-damn-subject" at school.

And now I'm supposed to offer a few suggestions for improving the darn thing. Which ain't easy, seeing as it's written in the voice of the poor kid suffering the exam in the first place. No point in picking on any grammatical errors, therefore - it's his authentic voice you'll counter. And you know your stuff so it's all entirely appropriate to its subject (and amusing too, which is the intent, of course).

But there's the font size to consider. To help all the old fart WdC members like me, a slightly larger font wouldn't go amiss. Always consider the reader, he said with finger wagging in condemnation. And you've dared to choose only one genre, apart from Other, which is the same as nothing at all. Get those readers in by adding a couple of genres that are connected, no matter how loosely. They will come.

My last is deliciously picky, but I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel here. Your description of the piece should start with a capital letter! I need three suggestions and , by jiminy, I'll find 'em. :D

Thanks for posting about this piece - you made my job of finding the next one to review very easy. And don't forget to keep on writing!

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Review of Farewell  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is an excellent bit of writing. I love the language and the tone that fits exactly with the voice of a player retiring after all those years. Simple, straight, no-nonsense stuff - very authentic. The dialogue, too, is believable, having that authentic tone of people who know each other well.

The game itself is handled very well. I know nothing of baseball and the terms used, but it was all understandable, even so. The one thing I couldn't work out was a "change-up" but I don't think it mattered - I got the gist. Describing a sport without losing the reader in over-explanation or technical jargon isn't easy but you do it well. I don't think I could do a similar job with cricket!

What I do worry about is the description of the piece as a short story. My understanding of the term is that a story should have a twist, a denouement at the end, which this tale lacks. I don't think it's massively important but it would be better described as a vignette. That way, no one can complain that they were misled when looking for a story.

I also note that one of your announced genres is "Other." This doesn't pull in readers since it tells them nothing about the piece. Better to increase your potential readership by choosing a third genre (Cultural perhaps), no matter how tenuous the connection. Once people start reading, they don't really care what genre it is as long as they're captivated.

As a suggestion only, you could introduce a little more punch into the last line by changing it to something like, "Tomorrow I'm going to sleep for a week." It has a bit more expression than the existing statement.

As I say, however, it's a fine piece of writing. Well done.

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Review of Friends  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
It's a simple story but it works very well. The reason is the dialogue. It flows naturally and is never forced or unlikely. You bring the reluctance of the boy to life, showing how he approaches the subject of the backpack with care, not wanting to annoy his sister. And she is impatient, at first, gradually coming to the understanding that her brother is serious this time. It was fortunate that the problem was so easily fixed, mainly thanks to the reasonableness of the men.

The brother/sister relationship is totally believable, thanks to the conversation between them. It's obvious that you have experience of this! So it's a well-told tale but there are weaknesses in the presentation. You have used only one of the three options for genre, and even that one is Contest Entry, which tells a potential reader nothing about the subject of the story. If you were to choose three genres for this section, you would broaden its appeal greatly. I would suggest Family, Drama and Relationships as fitting the story well.

Similarly, the description of the piece says nothing about it apart from the fact that it's short. Something like "A girl realises that her little brother needs her help" would be better. It sums up the story without giving anything away.

Finally, I'm not sure about the title. Yes, the two become friends ultimately, but for most of the tale they are stuck in a typically adversorial relationship of brother and sister. A title that hints at the conflict in the story may be more appropriate and gather more readers.

All of my suggestions have been concerned with presentation. The story really deserves a bit more hype to increase its readership. Once people start reading, they'll be hooked!

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