Beholden's (beholden) Reviews

Review Requests: ON

1,106 Public Reviews Given

1,107 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I have a review template that is only used for in depth reviews, usually those that are specifically requested. These will be as comprehensive as I can manage, including everything I have noticed in reading the piece. Most of my reviews, however, are more in the nature of reactions to the piece with brief notes on things I find particularly good and suggestions on dealing with any obvious flaws in the writing.

I'm good at...

Reviews of stuff I particularly like. If I think the writing is good and the ideas original and inventive, I will say so and become enthusiastic about it. I will point out flaws, particularly where I feel that they interfere with a positive reaction to the piece, but I will also offer suggestions for fixing such problems.

Favorite Genres

I have a broad spectrum of genres I'll review. It's easier for me to list the genres I won't touch.

Least Favorite Genres

Romance, erotica, overly dark subjects without a good reason for existence.

Favorite Item Types

I'm unsure what is meant by this - I would have thought the genres sections covered this.

Least Favorite Item Types

See previous section.

I will not review...

Again, see the genres section that lists the genres I won't review.

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#4747081

Review of The Private Detectives WC 295

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of The Private Detectives by jackiesmuse

This one actually made me laugh out loud. It was the discussion about hearing a noise or thinking one heard a noise that did it. Which is very close to the beginning and has an important role in setting the tone for the whole piece. You really must add Comedy to the list of genres - substitute it for Contest Entry (nobody searches for that one).

I also loved the names. They, too, prepare one for the comedy in the piece. And that's the real strength of the whole thing - it is united into a powerful tour de force of the Comedy genre, everything serving that aim and building to a fitting denouement at the end.

Once again, you should edit those genres.

As a Mystery or Crime/Gasngster, I'm not quite so sure. The source of the "noise" was soon revealed and we never did learn what gave our two detectives the idea of searching the house. It may have been a connection to the Mob but we aren't told that. Not that it matters for the story, but I guess it does for the genre.

In summary, it's a delightful example of the best in flash fiction, instantly establishing its characters, placing them in a slightly ridiculous situation, and then tying everything up neatly in the end with a flamboyant bow. Excellent work and I won't even mention the occasional misplaced quotation mark.

Review by

Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

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#4746905

Review of Checkmate

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Checkmate by Josh T. Alto

This is quite a strange little tale. At several points it leaves the reader wondering how the narrator knows all this, since no one casn possibly have witnessed the action. But that's common to most stories - it just stands out a little more in this one as it speaks so much of what was going on in Mrs Richards' head. The reader accepts it all for the sake of the story.

I like the construction of the piece a great deal. The way the facts are announced with newspaper report precision at the start, then the witness account of finding the doors locked and knocking not answered, it follows very smoothly and logically. It's a bit of as jump from there into Mrs Richards' thoughts as she plays chess with her dead husband, but it's not an impossible jump for most readers, I would guess. And the piece is so well written that I'm enjoying it for that alone.

Perhaps the most mystifying aspect of the sstory is the mellowing of Mr Richards in death. Far from being his once violent self, it seems he has become a rather more thoughtful ghost and deflects much of Mrs Richards' criticism as a result. This may seen a slight anomaly in view of his previous ominous predictions of what awaits her in death.

There were a couple of minor flaws that I'll list here:

"Mr. Morgan shouted at him “Come on Buster, let her sleep!”, but he did not leave the door and kept barking." Sounds at first that it was Mr Richards who did not leave the door. Saved by the barking but it's too late to prevent that little hiccup.

"in one of their quarrel before he died" Should be "quarrels".

Otherwise it's a charming story, well written and most enjoyable. Well done.

Review by

Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

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#4746825

Review of Foretold

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Foretold by Purple is House Florent

This is an interesting little tale that overcomes its rather ordinary setting to become quite gripping in the telling. Unfortunately, the introductory passage is rather confusing. It's clear that it's the text of a message, it being in italics, but some of it shouldn't be ("The text message from his mom read."). It takes a while to sort out what should be message and what is explanation of the message. This is distracting to the reader and puts the piece at a disadvantage right from the start.

It does get better, however. The story proceeds from there to a description of working in the store and tying things up at the end of the day. Then he's out on the road, nearly hit by a car as he gets on to the main road and then picks up a crazy driver a bit later in his journey. There's a minor collision which serves tp illustrate the wisdom of Danny's mom's earlier warning to him and finally arrival back home.

Which is fine, as far as it goes. The description is enough to communicate Danny's fear in his encounter with the bad driver but some of the tension is lost because the text is scattered with minor errors. I'll list them so that you can fix them if you wish.

"...sliding his hands across his jeans to the excess raindrops off." Missing word.

"...He slammed on the brakes, his heart slammed in his chest..." Too much slamming - it's distracting. Better to choose another word for the second instance.

"...deal with this crazy drive..." I think you meant "driver."

"...flicked on his turn signal, hit the break..." "break" should be "brake." I know this one's a typo because you've spelt it correctly throughot the rest of the text.

So that's the story, really. Don't spoil a potentially good story with poor editing. Your writing's much better than that. It's not the most scary story in the world (I would hesitate to call it horror) but it's certainly entertaining and dramatic. Tighten up the minor errors and you'll earn a lot more five star reviews.

Review by

Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4746803

Review of Identicals

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Identicals by J.R. PETE

I rather like this story. It has a bare, unadorned feel that is quite in keeping with its subject, a conversation between computers in binary code. The whole tale is told through the terse messages passed between the computers, placing the reader squarely in that environment and mimicking the cold, calculating world of the machine.

It has some problems, however. The introduction of pure binary code is off-putting to most readers, I should imagine. Just the coded names is enough to establish the different feel to the world, leaving the first two lines unnecessary.

The conversation is hard to follow at times too. That's not a major fault since we can hardly expect to understand everything when computers are talking, but the less technologically enthusiastic among us may decide that it's too much for them. And our job is not just to hook readers - it's to hang on to them as well.

It's very hard to judge the writing style as a result of it being merely a record of computer thought. We would expect that to be dry, concerned only with fact, and empty of emotion. So again, it's a good evocation of the situation but not exactly attractive to the reader. The story is just about good enough to overcome this however. And did I detect a little emotion in the voice of the traitor computer on being discovered?
Perhaps that was only my own feelings getting in the way

In the end, it's a great idea, difficult to pull off effectively, and I think you have made a very good job of it. Well done!.

Review by

Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4746795

Review of The Last Train Ticket

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of The Last Train Ticket by James Vogner

Beautiful descriptions in this one. The story is very simple, being the tale of an old man's thoughts and experiences as he rides the train through familar territory for the last time. As a snapshot of the old man in the hours of a last, nostalgic journey, it is very effective, evoking pictures and memories in the mind of the reader that echo in the mind with a nostalgia experienced only through the words.

Whether this is enough to justify the piece as a story is a matter for debate. There is no real conflict, for instance, and no resolution possible therefore. That's not a problem for me, since I despise all these laws and rules that people make in an attempt to define everything in the act of writing, but for some it will be. In my opinion, it's a fine piece of descriptive writing and has its place as such.

I did notice one error (the word is "dynamite," not "dynomite") but am not going to quibble over a single letter. The point is that this is a fine piece of work, excellent in its descriptive power and ability to communicate emotion, that lacks slightly in the matter of story. I say that not because of the "rules," but because it needs more plot if it is to fully engage the reader.

Quite impressive, even so.

Review by

Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4746790

Review of The Last Train Ticket

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of The Last Train Ticket by Genipher

I really like this. It did stir a distant memory of something similar I read long ago but, as they say, there's nothing new under the sun. And we're all borrowing from each other all the time, whether we're aware of it or not. That's how literature is built.

The point is that this is inventive and imaginative, well written and constructed without errors or typos. The imagined world is delivered not through info dump, but by little details fed into the text at various times, thereby avoiding long explanations but telling the readers as much as they need to know. And it all holds together, especially as any difficulties are dealt with in Tangent's thoughts.

That's an impressively solid base for a short story and the drama does not disappoint.
A charming, long distance romance, apparently impossible to fulfill, is made suddenly within reach by an unexpected announcement from the powers that be. And Tangent is given what she craves, a chance to make her dreams come true. It really is a lovely little story, expertly delivered. On such mundane things as a train ticket, wonderful tales can be constructed.

I have no hesitation in rating it at five stars. Great work!

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Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

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#4746564

Review of From a Different Angle WC 280

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

An interesting approach, this story. It's not often that the narrator knows less about what's happening than the reader. The device works, in spite of it feeling wrong somehow.

I think it's that the reader becomes drawn into the story and needs to tell the narrator to wake up to what his partner has done. And when we feel that kind of thing, the story has succeeded! It's perhaps the effective way in which the narrator's surprise and puzzlement is conveyed that wins the reader over. We, too, are quite surprised by Arnie's overreaction to such a small thing, so we understand Stan's consternation completely. And that puts us on Stan's side immediately.

When we realise that Stan just doesn't get it in spite of all the evidence, we want to put him out of his misery by telling him where the money disappeared to. And yet we can't - this is fiction, after all. You can't be more involved than that! And it's involvement that makes this little story so powerful. It's so well done in so few words.

To sum up then, you've written a little gem of flash fiction that drags the reader in and doesn't let go until the very last word. The writing is very easy, a quiet, conversational style well suited to this day and age. There are a couple of clichés in there, but that's how we talk and it's really Stan who's speaking. I like it very much.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
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#4746284

Review of The long night

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of The Long Night by Sumojo

I guess there are happy endings and happy endings. And this is certainly one of them. I did wonder about the wisdom of choosing Death as one of the genres. It does give away the ending. And that's a shame because the piece is well written and focuses on an aspect of life that hovers constantly in the minds of old folks - the fear of falling and breaking a hip or something. We do need to talk about those things.

There are a couple of technical issues that I noticed. Nothing serious but you may wish to fix them. The formatting seems somewhat indecisive. The second paragraph is indented, none of the others are. And some of the paragraphs are separated by two returns, others by one. This gives an odd, asymmetric look to the piece.

If you run your eyes down the left margin, you'll see that most of the paragraphs start with the word "She." This can be a distraction to the reader and it's best avoided by changing the word order or the word itself in some cases. It's particularly difficult in this piece because it's very solidly about the sole protagonist. What would help is to use her name some of the time instead of the constant use of "she."

Other than those minor quibbles, it's a good story, well written and turns what some would regard as a sad ending into a good one. Well done!

Review by
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Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

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#4746057

Review of You Were Warned!

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of You Were Warned! by Odessa Molinari

Hmm, didn't see that coming. I was expecting it to be Harry or Joe that was the killer. Very inventive to make it a heart attack.

So the essential element of surprise is there. And that means you won the battle. It's a very effective little story told extremely well. Just one tiny quibble to make, together with a thought on continuity (in the movie sense).

Your two instances of coding at the end don't work because you used HTML rather than WdC's resident WritingML. It might be worth converting them so that members can get the full effect.

A message in steam on the mirror - nifty idea but there's a practical problem. It's true that such a message will dissipate as the steam disappears. But it will reappear when the room fills with steam again. Admittedly not as clearly, but still legible. As it happens, I don't think it matters a lot, since the police could easily say that you wrote it yourself. So this is an observation, not a criticism.

Your writying style is very direct and uncomplicated. This was so easy to read and the initial idea so good that the the story just couldn't fail. There wasn't even a typo for me to point at! A most impressive piece indeed.

Review by
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Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

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#4745822

Review of The Black Fur Coat

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of The Black Fur Coat by Shika/Noah

This is an interesting creature. I've never read a story that telegraphs its ending almost immediately upon opening but remains gripping right until the finish. Yet that's exactly what this does. It is quite fascinating how it piles on the clues as the protagonist gets more feline every day. The slow transformation draws one on as if mesmerised, and the final denouement is a masterpiece of intimate description. It's exactly like Bolero, the classical music piece that starts so quietly and repeats its theme again and again while getting louder until its magnificent crescendo at the end.

And that's just the story. Your descriptive powers are quite amazing, too. It is so refreshing to read completely new ways of looking at the world and the metaphors you create are vivid and unusual. Yes, there's a formatting error here and a misspelling there, but these are nothing when compared to the spell you weave. I'm going to offer you some advice in the hope that you'll develop into a hugely powerful writer. First of all, don't get a swollen head at what I'm saying - it's obvious that you're just starting out and have a lot to learn. And then practise, practise, practise - write every day, even if it's just a tiny piece or thought, and keep going. Don't take too much notice of people who say that you have to write in a particular way - don't ruin the gift with too many straitjacket rules. Keep writing from your heart and the practice will develop your technique.

The two errors I mentioned are as follows:

The fourth and fifth paragraphs need to be separated with one more Return.

The past tense of "slink" is "slunk," not "slunked."

And that's it. Both errors are so tiny that they don't affect my rating - it's a five star maximum in my opinion. Finally, one more bit of advice - keep writing!

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Beholden

for

"Game of Thrones"

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#4745450

Review of A Healing Day for Rhea

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of A Healing Day for Rhea by Maryann - House Martell

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

And so to the story. A charming little tale of a civilisation on Neptune (unusual choice) and a schoolteacher mom's rescue of a wayward daughter. The combination of modern understanding and imagination is quite seamless and does not stretch belief. Although the denouement is a little too easily achieved and predictable, the care spent in constructing the earlier parts of the story makes up for this. Indeed, the readers are so much on the side of Rhea by the end that they don't want there to be any hiccups in the rescue of the child.

The story is divided into three sections, an introduction, a middle, and a brief final section. To some extent, the length of each section reflects the importance placed in each one. And the final section could use a bit more attention, perhaps in extending the search for Miranda's horse, thereby increasing the suspense in waiting to see that Miranda is healed. Apart from that, I find the story to be enjoyable and very interesting in its evocation of the evolved society on Neptune. I particularly liked the account of Earth and Mars history leading ultimately to their merging with the Neptunians.

A fine little tale for both adults and children.

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Beholden

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"Game of Thrones"

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#4745412

Review of Mutiny

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Mutiny by Anni Pon

This is both clever and impressive. A clever idea to liken the experience to an entire crew arguing over the set of the ship, and impressive in keeping the metaphor consistent throughout. And I absolutely love this:

First-mate Right Eye lied,
"I've seen too much, what's left?"

It's so appropriate and made delicious by the fact he lied.

There are reasons to quibble, I grant you. The rhymes break down occasionally and more attention needs to be given to meter, if the poem is to be read smoothly. But the whole thing is such fun that I can forgive anything. If we think of it as free verse that mutinies with rhyme sometimes, then it's perfectly acceptable. So much is done with poetry these days that the basic structure and consistency of vision is more than enough to carry it through.

In the end, it's how effective is the poem that matters. And this one is an absolute mindblast. The idea is brilliant and its performance quite stunning. I was going to give it four stars thanks to the lumpy meter but, on thinking about it, I admit that it's a personal attachment to meter that is influencing me in this. So it deserves five stars for a wonderful, exhilarating tour de force of vision. Truly enjoyable.

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Beholden

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"Game of Thrones"

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#4745109

Review of Mother's Day Tulips

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Mother's Day Tulips by Legerdemain

What a wonderful memory to be recalled by a particular object for the rest of your life. And how wise the memory in its choice of tiny detail to be preserved for later years.

This is an account of an experience of a child's fresh and unexpected view on something we find quite ordinary. It reminds me of my oldest son saying, at the age of about two and watching his first raindrops falling from a cloud, "The sky is crying." I've heard it said by others since then but it was quite an insightful observation for so young a child.

Your son's take on a dying tulip was indeed special in that it demonstrates the human ability to link two seemingly disparate events together in a similarity unnoticed by adults. It certainly took me by surprise, and I had to be reminded of the balloons before seeing that the use of the word "popped" was entirely appropriate. There is something magnificent in the fact that the event created an annual homage to tulips in your mind. Your son will always be avauilable to you as the little boy he once was as a result.

Perhaps we all have similar experiences to serve as a consolation in later life when the kids are grown and gone.

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Beholden

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"Game of Thrones"

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#4745102

Review of Recurring Nightmare

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Recurring Nightmare by Legerdemain

This dream would be scary enough were it on its own but, if it's been going on for twenty-five years, I find that a bit worrying. Does it relate to any deep-seated fears or worries, I wonder? Perhaps you don't like driving at night, or read somewhere about a large deer coming through the windscreen in collisions. Seems a bit obvious, though. Yet there must be a cause.

Anyway, it's a fine piece of descriptive writing, adjectives perhaps slightly overdone in the first paragraph. There's a certain feeling of expectation created by the mentions of looking out for the beacons at the side of the road that will indicate - what? We're not told so we begin to expect them, too, if only to find out what they mean. Even when we see them, you give no hint of what is waiting for us until it has pounced. If it were my dream, I reckon it would be a shapeless shadow, unnamed and unknowable, rather than a deer. I suppose the deer is rather more frightening in that it could really happen.

Come to think of it, your dream is uncommonly real and well defined, with none of the more usual unlikely events or sudden, inexplicable changes of surroundings. But I don't suppose that is significant.

In summary, it's a powerful description of a dream that must be quite harrowing to endure, especially repeatedly. There ought to be a way to write to the dream factory and ask for a change of program!

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Beholden

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"Game of Thrones"

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#4745084

Review of Without Him

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Without Him by Sophy

This kind of review is so hard to do - it feels wrong to comment upon another's deepest feelings. But this poem is so effective in communicating grief that I have to try.

It's beautiful and yet sad, moving and sobering. It makes the reader feel helpless in their inability to do anything to help. So simple are the words and yet how direct and heartfelt. The italicising of the mother's words in the opening to each stanza is so effective in setting the scene. In these simple words a lifetime is present, made full by the words that follow.

Looking just at the italicised lines, we realise that the poem progresses, first as a description of the man's illness and lost strength, then to consideration of the wife's grief and despair. It's a distilling into the essence of a marriage after fifty-three years.

The action that intercedes between the italicised lines is about the love that still cares to the last moments. We do not know what the years have contained but we feel privileged to witness the dying moments of such a bond. It's hard to read, let alone review.

But beautiful, still beautiful in its way. A truly powerful piece.

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"Game of Thrones"

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#4745061

Review of A Jump in Time

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of A Jump in Time by Sophy

I remember this prompt for the Cramp! Wrote something for it myself, that's why. Yours is a very interesting take on it, however. Very smooth and logical combination of some very unrelated but required words and phrases.

In total, the tale is entertaining and imaginative. There were a couple of points that I found slightly irritating, but they're so minor that they don't spoil my enjoyment of the piece. In case you want to change them, here they are:

"Look if this is some kind of joke?" Doesn't quite make sense (although maybe the parrot did actually say it). But it needs, at the very least, a comma after "Look." Then the rest of the sentence seems to need either a consequence threatened if it does turn out to be a joke, or an ellipsis to indicate the sentence was not completed. Or it's a typo and you meant to say ""Look, is this some kind of joke?"

The parrot keeps starting his sentences with "Look." It is, of course, entirely possible that this is a habit of his but, either way, it becomes a slight irritation. I'd change some of the instances to avoid the repetition.

And that's it. An amusing tale of great imagination. I'm awarding five stars because both quibbles are very minor and, to a certain extent at least, matters of personal taste. Well done on the win, by the way!

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#4745046

Review of Upbeat

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Upbeat by Adherennium Dr of Phoolishness

Playing the phool again I see, Doctor. A thing that looks easy but has its difficulties in truth. And this little ditty is no exception to that rule - it seems light-hearted and silly, but there's a lot of work in achieving that impression.

Those rhymes, for instance, are close to genius. There's nothing forced or inappropriate, each one conforms to the theme and adds to it. I love that you found noisy words like rat-tat-tat and lad-de-dah to fit so precisely with the main thrust of the poem. More than anthing else, they're the point!

But everything assists in this common aim to please and amuse. It's nonsense, yes, but also makes a strange sort of announcement of confidence. You want upbeat? Well here's upbeat for you!

Then there's the matter of rhythm and flow, the consideration that so often spoils our attempts at this kind of thing. And you prove well capable of carrying it off in this poem. The rhythm is clear and uninterrupted, the flow steady from beginning to end.
And the claim about pace at the end of it true too.

In summary it's a tour de force of comic verse, an apparently easy construction that holds the reader from beginning to end. Well done indeed!

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#4744428

Review of The Dance

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of The Dance by KingsSideCastle

I love this, both for its use of language and for its honesty. It's a little trip into the memories raised by a song, culminating in the account of a dance so realistically recounted that we can all hark back to similar times in our memories. The language used is a little higher than we use in daily speech, being precise in its choice of words and sentence construction. It results in an effortless flow that is, quite frankly, beautiful.

There is a single minor flaw that I must point out, however. You list a few experiences and then write this phrase: "...the latter was always something..." Strictly speaking, it should be "the last" as "the latter" is only used when there are two options available. It's probably not going to be noticed by the vast majority of readers, but I mention it in case you decide to change it.

The honesty in the piece is what donates its real charm. There is no attempt to dramatise the account of the dance, it being told just as it was, a fairly ordinary and a bit awkward an occurrence that, for some reason, the memory has decided to recall with perfect clarity in reponse to the song. The reader is transported back immediately to their own experience of a first dance and the piece becomes that much more real as a result.

This is truly an exquisite little jewel of the writing art and I must thank you for the experience.

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#4743335

Review of Magic Eyes

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Magic Eyes by LightinMind

H.G. Wells wrote a story entitled The Country of the Blind, to point out that in the country of the blind, far from being the king, the one-eyed man would be persecuted as insane. I had to mention that to admit that I don't agree with your premise to this story.

But that's hardly relevant to my review. The fact is that I find the story to be well written, if a little belief-stretching in a few coincidences. The actual technical aspects are sound and the story flows well and at a good pace. Clearly, you write well and have the imagination to produce interesting and entertaining pieces. It does seem a little odd for an American be talking so coolly of monarchy, given that their natural attitude towards kings is disapproval. Understandably, given their history. But that is easy to pass over since the story has an an air of myth and fairy tale about it.

Since you've mentioned Political as one of your genres, I should mention that it's an area where angels fear to tread. There's nothing worse than the story intended to have innocent intentions but containing obvious political preferences and biases. People hate underhand attempts to indoctrinate them. Not that I'm saying your story does this but to advise against going there. It never works.

So it's a very enjoyable story, slightly marred for me by the debatable nature of its premise. And I'm just an old dinosaur in the end.

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#4743118

Review of The Jacket

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of The Jacket by spidey

Absolutely delicious ending! It's a perfect crescendo to a piece that starts slowly, gradually increases in pace and is rattling along nicely toward the end. And then that final sentence puts a last blood-curdling lid on it. It's excellent.

I must admit that I wasn't convinced at first. The pace is really slow to begin with and then we're confronted with a shopping expedition (not my idea of fun). But this turns quite quickly into an intriguing try-on session with a leather jacket. The reader sits up and takes a lot more notice. Just how nasty can this jacket get? one asks. The answer is, a lot. The incident with the protestors is a bit contrived but I suppose it could happen. We had to find out more about the jacket and this was as good a way as any.

And so the final phone call. By that time, the reader feels pretty much the same about the girlfriend as does Sam. There he is, just about to get rid of the thing and GF phones. Well, that's just asking for it, isn't it?

It's a fun story that makes a lot out of not very promising material (The Amityville Jacket!) and ends by being well above the common run of horror story. Brilliantly done and so well written too.

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#4743010

Review of The Xeric Conspiracy

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of The Xeric Conspiracy by JACE - House Targaryen

I think this one's going to be quite hard for me to do. The writing is fine, no technical problems, typos, or errors of judgement, flow or pace. It's quite believable, in fact, and enjoyable as a result. Why shouldn't the guy be writing a memoir of his struggles, after all? The problem is that it leaves me with not a lot to say except "well done."

My solution is to look at the content, the actual premise driving the piece. And that I don't find so agreeable. This was written in 2009, a time when environmental concerns were already beginning to affect governments and force them to think about the future. In the present situation, where that tendency has become a tide on which we seem to be riding to the opposite of the future envisaged in this piece, it seems unlikely, to say the least, that growing things wll be illegal.

Which is not to condemn the piece for getting it wrong (apparently), but does make it more difficult to believe and feel sympathy for the narrator. I feel like telling him not to worry, we'll have it sorted (another unlikely story - I'm just as pessimistic about it as you are but in a different way).

So that's my opinion - but it shouldn't affect and doesn't affect my assessment of the writing skills involved. No problems there, I'm happy to say!

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#4742999

Review of Unholy Happy Hour

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Unholy Happy Hour by GERVIC 🐉 House Targaryen

I feel slightly cheated. Halfway, through, I was convinced that you'd had the rather brilliant idea of fleshing out an old joke with more detail, only to find at the end that you were winging it and there was no joke at all. And yet there was (and I think it was on me). The whole thing is the joke and I have been led up the garden path by the nose. Excellently done, indeed.

The point is that you know how to write. You pitch the tale very accurately at its target audience and the slightly over-the-top descriptions are the main part of this. At the same time, you allow us to get to know the characters rather more than we do in the usual jokey tale. It's a most amusing and impressive in performance.

There is one slight flaw in the piece, however, and that is all to do with time. You deal with each character in the order in which they enter the bar. It goes clown (he is already there when the priest enters), priest, and cowboy ("Then... in swaggered a cowboy.) But then, in the cowboy's POV, we get this: "First walked in a priest." It made me do a double take and go back to check the order. Doesn't figure.

It's not enough to spoil a thoroughly enjoyable little story, however. Five stars from me.

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#4742993

Review of Night of the Fireflies

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Review of Night of the Fireflies by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

What a delightful little tale. Not outstandingly imaginative but it's for children, and we wouldn't want to shock them with too much innovation, would we?

I was particularly interested in how you pitched the language since that's an important aspect of writing for children. Things like complexity of language used and the likelihood of certain words being understood. I found you to be extremely good at this aspect - nothing much to carp at anywhere. I did wonder briefly at "gossamer" but, on consideration, decided that they're going to meet it at some stage in children's literature (which is the one place you can guarantee it appearing) so it gets a nod.

The writing is very good without serious errors or typos. I have just a few comments and quibbles, however.

"...closed the flaps shut..." Redundant. One can hardly close them open.

"slinked" The past tense of "slink" is "slunk."

"...no distinction between the male of female genders." Typo.

I've been picky about these because we have to set a good example before the children. Not good to give them wrong ideas.

Your writing and voice is so attractive that I'm not going to deduct half a star from my rating for the quibbles. I'm aware that it's written for the current contest and under extreme pressure. As such it's remarkably free of error. And a quite beautiful piece, too.

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#4742870

Review of The One Who Stayed

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Different and very funny. I had to slow up and sort out my strawberry shortcakes a couple of times but that wasn't too serious. Essentially, it's a glorious romp through the evil designs of a mind with one obsessive intention that drives everything. The denouement wasn't expected but very sweet and the story completed with a large and colourful bow.

The writing is exactly suited to the subject. It's direct and full of, well, I suppose I must say hate, but that really sets the atmosphere. A strange world that must exist somewhere, filled with nasty little characters I hope never to meet. Thank goodness it's only satire.

It's a masterful piece in the end, an excellent example of its genre and I am only mildly troubled by the problem I had in working out the meaning in those strawberry shortcakes. Maybe I'm just too literal at times. Anyway, it's not enough of a flaw to deny you half of a star - I'll give you five for a truly excellent piece and a brilliant response to the prompt.

Well done indeed!

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Beholden
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#4742346

Review of A Cherished Gift

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

I was not aware of the Plato quote that sparks this tale. Thank you for writing the vehicle that brought it to my attention, if only because it was by virtue of a Bard's Hall contest that I didn't see. Seems fairly obvious that it's the origin of the "better half" saying.

You have also produced a very fine response to the prompt. It's a deeply moving account of a critical time in your life and its ultimate resolution, in the shape of your wife, is described with accuracy and perfect timing. It's really hard to fault the piece in any way and I think you should congratulate yourself, not only on your literary skills, but also on the honesty that allowed you to speak of such personal matters.

I have two quibbles, however. The first is a very minor thing, the second more worrying in that it brings the reader to a sudden halt as he tries to sort things out.

"We share everything possible about our childhoods..." This sudden switch to the present is quite distracting. It's obviously not intended and is a common typo in missing the D off the end of "share."

"There was a significant setback for you..." Another sudden switch, this time apparently deliberate in that it's repeated later in the text. You abandon the reader to address your wife, without reason or introduction. My immediate reaction was to think, "No, there wasn't!" And then I realised you were talking to the lady, not me. I had to scan the text quickly to make sure you hadn't been talking to her all along. It was totally disruptive and you shouldn't do that.

Very easy to fix, however (just change "you" to "her" or "she," wherever appropriate). It pains me to deny half a star from so beautiful a piece but I have to do it - it's not ready for publication until you mend the problem. But I am still grateful for having read the story - thank you.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
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