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1,044 Public Reviews Given
1,045 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a review template that is only used for in depth reviews, usually those that are specifically requested. These will be as comprehensive as I can manage, including everything I have noticed in reading the piece. Most of my reviews, however, are more in the nature of reactions to the piece with brief notes on things I find particularly good and suggestions on dealing with any obvious flaws in the writing.
I'm good at...
Reviews of stuff I particularly like. If I think the writing is good and the ideas original and inventive, I will say so and become enthusiastic about it. I will point out flaws, particularly where I feel that they interfere with a positive reaction to the piece, but I will also offer suggestions for fixing such problems.
Favorite Genres
I have a broad spectrum of genres I'll review. It's easier for me to list the genres I won't touch.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, erotica, overly dark subjects without a good reason for existence.
Favorite Item Types
I'm unsure what is meant by this - I would have thought the genres sections covered this.
Least Favorite Item Types
See previous section.
I will not review...
Again, see the genres section that lists the genres I won't review.
Public Reviews
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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Obviously a club for old men! That's why I let Chrome remember my passwords for me.

But, to the story. Yes, it is a story since it tells a tale and has a bit of a kick in the ending. We get some hint of the characters involved through their words and the situation quickly becomes clear. It is, in fact, a narrative joke and can't be told any other way.

Although I like the tale very much, I do have a quibble with the title. It gives the game away right from the beginning. Since it proclaims "I Forgot the Password," it gives the game away before we reach the end and the narrator's admission that "he forgot it too." Admittedly, only the very alert are going to pick up on this (I didn't and so got the full impact of the joke), but those few that notice miss out on a laugh. It might be better to change the title to The Password, for instance.

The same goes for your description of the story. Best to be a bit coy about where it's really going.

One more tiny niggle is this: "..." Not sure what this is supposed to represent. Presuming that the piece is an entry for the Dialogue Only Contest, I would guess that it indicates silence. So I understand your dilemma. But the young have a word that would do - it's "Nuhuh," indicating a refusal to answer. It may not be exactly what you want but I think it's more commonly understood in meaning in this context than an ellipsis.

Finally, about the genres heading. Never say Contest Entry - better to explain that in a note at the end, rather than waste a third opportunity to pull in more readers searching for a particular genre. Community would be a possibility, for instance. Heck I stretch things as far as they can go when ensuring that I hit three genres.

Great little tale, Paul. Did it win?


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Review of The Last Date  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hmm, your little twist at the end has taken the ground from beneath one of my suggestions for improvement. I was going to say that we needed to hear what Sophia was saying as you examined the quilt but I see now why you kept very quiet on that score. Is leaving the detail of the narrator's deafness until the last moment a legitimate way to achieve an ironic twist in the tale? I pondered a while on this and decided that it is, but it's a bit risky in that it relies on the reader hanging on through the long exposition on the quilt's details to reach the final words. To be quite honest, I'd shorten the time spent on the quilt to avoid losing the attention of the reader.

This point is reinforced by a thought that occurred to me as I was reading. The narrator was spending so much time looking at the quilt that I wondered how he was able to continue driving. Another reason to shorten this section, I think.

I think, also, that you need to mention Sophia's apparent age. The possibility that she was carrying a child in the quilt led me to suppose Sophia was quite young. So it came as a surprise that she had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Suddenly, I had to adjust my view of her as aged and her wandering the streets in her condition becomes that much more understandable. I don't think the story would suffer if you allowed us to see her as elderly right from the beginning.

Apart from these points, the story is strong and catches the reader's attention right from the start. You write well and with fine descriptions that build both story and pace. I particularly like the quiet atmosphere you create - there is no panic or tumult in the protagonist's actions, just careful concern and a decisive ability to get things done.

To place a cherry on what is a very competent cake, I would suggest that you increase the font size a little. I am old and I can still read the fine print you have chosen but it takes some concentration. Remember that some of your audience may not have very good eyesight.

In the end, it's an enjoyable tale with a couple of surprises hiding within!


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128
Review of Listen  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good advice and a cracking little poem. I particularly like the fact that you have kept the meter precise, although I must point out that it's a close run thing with the line "as they soar over land." It's only my opinion but I think it's slightly dodgy. The really strange thing is that, if you change the last two words to the word "overland" (quite legitimate in meaning but forcing a slightly different pronunciation), the meter fits better. You might want to change it - it's up to you.

The rhyming, too, is excellent, fitting perfectly with the rhythm and meaning of the poem and never appearing awkward or forced. It's an effective statement that saves its most powerful message for the very last. I actually like the device of adding an extra line beyond meter and rhyme to hammer home the point. It's an encouraging glimpse of the willingness to go outside boundaries when necessary.

A minor point is the word "lightening." In context, you mean "lightning," the electrical discharge from a storm cloud, whereas "lightening" means "getting brighter." Just requires a very quick edit.

Finally, I'd advise you to use all three available options under the Genres heading. Your poem is about more than Romance/Love, after all, and Other is quite meaningless. Add a couple of genres and you extend the poem's reach to search engines, Quill nominations and people looking within a greater range of genres.

In conclusion, I find this to be a simple but profound poem that is a joy to read. Well done!


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Review of DRAGONFLY  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A pleasant little poem that carries the reader gently from one thought to the next and ends with a more serious thought. I like especially that you included a note regarding the actual dragonfly at the bottom of the page. This yields a third aspect to the poem - it's educational as well as everything else!

A lot of thought has gone into what is apparently a very simple poem. The rhymes are natural and unforced, the rhythm and pace easy on the tongue. Even that last, rather longer line fits neatly into the flow of the poem.

I'm supposed to make a suggestion for improvement but the only thing I can come up with is this: at first I thought the picture of a butterfly above your name was the bug the poem refers to. I thought it was a Halloween pennant dragonfly butterfly, referred to as a dragonfly for brevity's sake. It was only later that I realised that you were really talking about a dragonfly. So it might be an idea to change your sig, if only for the sake of this poem. It might avoid possible confusion.

It's a great poem, however!


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130
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Okay, you caught me with that one - really didn't see it coming! Interesting story with a brilliant punchline.

Well written too. It keeps trundling along at a merry pace, nothing wildly outrageous but, equally, not without interest. You're very good at these domestic dramas, Sue, and it's not a common talent. I'm hopeless at that kind of thing and I don't know many who manage it well.

I'm supposed to make a suggestion for improvement so I'll mention the following little niggle. This is the relevant sentence: "No one, I went on the bus,” Mable said, as if she hadn’t been able to catch a bus for several years, owing to her growing fragility and diminishing memory." I know what you mean but I've read the thing several times over and I don't think it means what we think. As it stands, it means that Mable said the words in a manner resulting from her inability to take a bus ride for several years. The intent is that we understand that it's the narrator who knows that she can't take a bus, but it's too easily misunderstood and can result in confusion. It might be better to simplify it by saying something like, "'No one, I went on the bus.' I knew she hadn't been able to catch a bus for years etc."

It's a minor quibble, I know, but it allows me to meet the requirements of this exercise. Great little story anyway and a good laugh at the end!


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131
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very imaginative, well told story. I like the idea of time travel being induced by the employment of something from the time being travelled to. As though the protagonist was being pulled there by the desire of the object to return to its own time.

You make a great job of conveying the confusion of the sea captain in the sudden change in his circumstances. Your writing is well suited to the tale, with a light touch and not too much concern with the boring details of the mechanism behind the jump. Nicely judged balance between explanation and entertainment.

The first paragraph is a little worrying as subject to an outbreak of first person disease. All those sentences beginning with "I." It's hard to see how this can be avoided but often the remedy is to resort to our tendency to abbreviate. So you could write "Voices and shuffling feet" instead of "I hear voices and shuffling feet." A little thought and some of those "I" sentences could be altered to avoid the excessive repetition.

And that's about it. An entertaining tale indeed.


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Review of The note  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is quite moving. I didn't look at the description before I started reading, so I was unsure whether it was fiction or not. It makes a slight difference in that, if it's fiction it shows a considerable wealth of experience and wisdom in being able to imagine being in such a position.

Which is my way of saying that I'm impressed with the quality of your writing. You achieve exactly the right balance between bare facts and deep emotion, without wandering off into overstated and flowery expressions of feeling. Full explanations are not given, just those few vivid details that allow the reader to share in the experience.

The conversational tone is part of the effectiveness of your style. It bares the soul of the narrator in a voice that is totally believable and real. Masterfully done. Even the occasional grammatical error is a part of this - it's how we speak, after all. For instance, I could quibble about "Me and the kids will be by to see you..." by correcting it to "I and the kids will be by..." (just remove "the kids" and you'll see what I mean) but that would interfere with the authenticity of the piece.

I'm supposed to make suggestions for improvement but all I can think of is the pause the following gave me: "I’ve been going to church. Yeah, you’ve heard me right, I said church." Yes, it's the kind of thing we say in real life but, in this case, it jarred a little. The second sentence is unnecessary in text. It's like adding a PS to an email, when it would be easy just to insert into the body of the letter. In print we don't have to admit that we forgot to mention something. And we all know that so well that it looks a bit forced when we see it.

But that's a tiny quibble and hardly detracts from what is a very powerful, emotive piece. It certainly won't stop me from giving it five stars.


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133
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
When I first came across this story, I did not read it, deciding that there was little point in reviewing something written by a machine. This second time, however, curiosity got the better of me and I read through the story.

It turns out to be simple but not obviously bad or error-ridden. And I realise now that much depends on what you input into the machine. How bare a skeleton did you provide, in other words? At a guess, I would say that you gave it a few words and told it to weave a story around them. In which case, it has supplied a fairly standard and uncomplicated plot with an obvious moral - power corrupts. It may be that it takes a human to devise the truly devious and original plot that makes for a great story.

At least, I hope so, or we writers are all doomed. That invention of the devil will work 24 hours a day without pay or vacations. We can't compete with that.

So, ultimately, my advice would have to be: Don't mess with those things!


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134
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Well, you can write, that's obvious. The story's a bit weak in that it needs an ending a bit more punchy. The finding of Uncle Fred was just a bit too easy and it fails to balance out the rest of the story. If you're working to a word limit, you could take out the basket ball/boiler stuff (which doesn't keep the story going) and make the ending a bit longer with the appearance of Fred a bit more of a surprise.

Other than that, the only problem is the frequency of niggling little errors and typos. Snow balls become snowballs halfway through (it's "snowballs"), cannon balls should be cannonballs. Don't use abbreviations like 15" - write it in words (fifteen minutes, in this case). That way, there's no possibility for misunderstanding. When I read that the kids ran into Fred 3" from the entrance to the pipes, my mind saw it as three inches. The abbreviation is the same for both minutes and inches, depending on the context. And it's only Americans who measure distance in the time it takes to travel. Don't alienate readers through abbreviations like this that can cause confusion - write it in full every time.

I know you're writing this for young adults and they may well not even notice such small niggles. But it doesn't pay to irritate the occasional unexpected reader. Always try to expand your audience and never pander.

Sorry to be so picky but it needed saying.


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Review of Shard  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a story that shows considerable promise in the writing. You have built tension very capably, supplying slivers of terror in vivid details that make the protagonist's terror very real to the reader. The tension builds steadily throughout the piece as we learn what is happening gradually by the addition of information as and when it's needed, rather than in a paragraph or two at the beginning. When the tension explodes into action as the daughter tries to escape, you succeed in carrying the reader with you in her mad dash for freedom.

A major problem is that the story has no end - it just stops, leaving the reader hanging. You need to bring it a definite close by her getting away or failing at the last. It's not really enough to let the reader assume that driving her foot into the man's chin is sufficient to put him out of action. Let us at least see him laid out cold on the ground and, perhaps, the mother and father hurrying to their daughter's aid.

There are a few things you could do to increase the effect of the language used. You say the men are "planning" - it would be that much more sinister if they were "plotting."Later, you write that "His strides sounded like the hooves of a charging bull just inches behind her." This strikes me as being slightly over the top. How many readers are likely to know what a charging bull sounds like? I don't and I suspect very few do. Try to keep the similes and adjectives within the bounds of reason - overstating risks introducing disbelief into the reader's mind.

It's an excellent description of how a young girl would feel in the event, however. Give it a clearer ending and it will earn that final star, I'm sure. Great title, by the way.

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136
136
Review of Part One  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A western tale - how pleasant a change from the usual run. And a nicely managed one, with clear and arresting descriptions, fascinating characters and a delightful atmosphere to the whole thing. I would quibble only with your identification of it as a short story. It seems to lack the purpose and denouement necessary for it to earn such a description. Maybe I'm missing the point but I see it as an enormously competent and vivid vignette.

The title is presumably the explanation. If it is intended as Part One of something larger, it may be advisable to make this rather more evident - perhaps a note at the end or beginning. As an opening chapter or section, it is excellent, a delicious taste that entices the reader and prepares him for the feast to follow. The Welsh name is, of course, absolute genius in the context of a western. How better to draw the reader in with instant curiosity and need to learn more?

I love the pace of the thing. Like its main character, Gwynne ap Nuada, it takes its time, never hurrying and with a determined tread draws the reader on unresisting. And such a wonderful picture it paints. The tone, too, is delightful.

All in all, it's hard to fault this piece, apart from the initial confusion over its intent. Certainly, it's a fine first chapter, if that is what it's meant to be.


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Adherennium not so foolish fellow. I see you've been hiding your light under a clown's mask. Not that there's anything wrong with a poet having some fun but it is only fair that he get some recognition for the serious work he does as well.

This is an excellent poem, a veritable tour de force of evocative language painting a picture that is filled in gradually, like a painter asking his audience, "Can you see what it is yet?" How skilfully it speaks of the assembled horde impatient to be let loose upon the morning breeze, to seek its various fortunes in the open world. I see these errant wanderers as the tiny helicopters of the dandelion, brave and stalwart emissaries of the gardener's hated foe, but that may just be my own admiration for these hardy, cheerful plants. The mention of clocks does seem to confirm my suspicion, however. My memory speaks vaguely of some use of dandelion seedheads as timepieces when blown by a child's breath. A delightful reference, if intended.

In the end, it does not matter - the poem is a wonderful exposition of windborn seeds. But you've set yourself a high standard at this early stage of the challenge, young Adherennium. Be certain that I, at least, will expect much of your later efforts. More power to your arm, good sir!


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Review of A Dog's Christmas  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Be careful what you proclaim! I, too, declared in my early WDC days that I was not a poet, only to end up writing more poetry than prose. My only excuse is that I could not possibly have foreseen the explosion of poetry that was about to burst forth from my addled old brain.

And here you are, telling us you're no poet. On the evidence of this poem, you could well be mistaken. It's a jaunty little ditty that does exactly what it sets out to do. The meter is occasionally a bit lumpy, but no worse than I see all the time in WDC and that I've been guilty of myself. And, considering that this is a comic poem, that's entirely forgiven by all but the harshest of critics.

So, to answer your question, there's nothing wrong with your sense of humour. Indeed, when we consider how difficult it is to make anyone smile, let alone laugh, through the medium of print, you have a special gift in this area. If I can zero in on one example of this, let's have a look at these two lines:

Gracie's the boxer with a slim, youthful middle
And Tut's a Chihuahua who's louder but little.


Such a perfect description of a boxer's concave middle section (you're lucky I know my dog breeds) coupled with the fact that tiny dogs tend to be a lot louder than big ones, yes, it's funny. But the real punch is in the rhyme. "Middle" and "little" are what are called "near-rhymes" and these are beautifully placed to acentuate the humour of the whole sentence. Near-rhymes are always funnier (and more creative) than true rhymes. It doesn't matter whether you were aware of this when you wrote it; it's talent that knows instinctively what's right and what's not.

Since we've embarked on the detail, let's have a brief look at meter here. The first stanza is flawless in this regard but there's a hiccup in the second. Read it aloud and you'll see what I mean - that last line is not quite right. Try adding the word "had" (to make it "Had entered our house") and the problem is fixed; now the whole thing flows along naturally without the reader having to adjust.

In my early days in WDC, I thought this had to do with number of syllables per line. But it doesn't. You can have lines of multiple syllables that will combine happily with quite short lines. It's about beat, yes, but there's more to it than that. Beats come with stress and stress can do some surprising things at times. Read about the various poetic forms and you'll see lines divided nicely into regular beat/stress words and non-beat words, one after the other. But read a real poem aloud and you'll realise that it isn't always so. The really good poets can set you up so that you read what's coming in the intended rhythm, even though it may not follow the announced form and prescription.

But this is all getting a little technical. Suffice it to say is that, to check on the poem's rhythm and meter, read it aloud. Be hard on yourself and don't start a line again if it proves not able to fit the meter in the expected way. There is always a way to fix this kind of problem, even if you have to change every word and its order to do it.

Then there's the matter of which meter to choose. Your choice of The night before Christmas upon which to base your poem's meter was a good one. The meter sets the tone and that well known poem has just the right sort of jaunty, smiling rhythm that your subject needs. So your framework is excellent and the execution is well above beginner standard.

I want to point out a couple of points that were excellent, either for a poetic reason or a humourous one. I love this, for instance:

Laying toenail whispers

This is so eye-catching but is solved almost immediately by remembering the sound of canine (and, presumably, mouselike) scrabbling of claws on a hard, polished floor. Both poetic and funny. Then there's this echo:

Scratching and sliding she shot past the tree

Ah, the number of times I've watched dogs overshooting in their exuberance on a shiny floor. This is the kind of thing that brings memories to the reader's mind and makes the poem that much more of an immersive experience.

Overall, it's an effective narrative poem that achieves its object with panache and skill. Even the rhymes are great, in spite of your denial! With just a little more attention to rhythm, this is a very good poem. A pleasure to read and left me smiling.


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Review of Vision of Love  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This poem is much clearer than the first one I reviewed for you. It is so much more accessible as a result and displayes several aspects that allow the reader to identify with the writer. It's a good, solid and yet still ethereal poem, rooted in reality but also reaching far beyond that.

The first stanza is good, solid stuff, with its killin' time and sippin' a beer. Clearly no-nonsense and regarding life with a seasoned eye. There's just a hint of things apart from ordinary life, however, as the music draws our thoughts to the image of a girl. This becomes real in the second stanza as you meet the lady in question and love blossoms. It's all sound, reasonable stuff that anyone can understand.

And then the third stanza becomes a refrain, hinting at something beyond the norm. Unconditional love is not common and we are given notice that there is more to this than meets the eye. Now the fourth takes us on a journey, a voyage on the waters of imagination where monsters lurk veneath the waves. You manage the transition very well so that the reader goes with the flow, prepared to risk the uncertainty now apparent in the tale. It's not obvious that we have moved from reality to another world but the suspicion is there. Here, too, we find there is danger in this world as the narrator struggles with his baser feelings. He feels unworthy of the love he has found.

In the next stanza the girl rescues him and he is reborn into a new life that is so much better than he has known before. As it becomes clear that this is a spiritual thing, the girl fades from the scene but remains in the narrator's heart forever. Unconditional love is not forgotten.

It's a very effective poem that gives the reader an experience of the journey undertaken by the poet. As he is led through the emotions and sights that lift the narrator, the reader gains some insight into things that might have been only dimly grasped before. The poem introduces the reader to hope and perseverance, matters that go beyond the rational facts and figures of daily life. Altogether, it's a vivid rendering of a life-changing experience that the poet has been through.

Do I have any suggestions for improvement? That's a difficult one. My own poetry tends to be much less mystic and ethereal in tone and subject but there's no way I would want to influence you in that regard. You have things to say and should say them in the way that suits them and yourself best. I think you're on the right path for yourself now and will only get better as you continue writing.

Well done!


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I've known people who send out these family news letters at Christmas time. It's heartening to read that my reaction to them is echoed by at least one other human being. Your poem is a marvellous expression of our feelings regarding those perfect people who send out such things. We are not alone!

The rhyming scheme chosen is perfect for the subject matter - abcb is not too strenuous and, when coupled with a jaunty meter like the one you used, the effect is lighthearted and down to earth. So it's easy to write and easy to read and we all end up with smiles on our faces. You've made the world a better place!

Wonderful stuff - keep writing.


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for entry "A Solstice Gnome
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Neat. In the tidy sense. Meaning that each fact is there for a reason, even down to the sunlight and garden gnome. I like it, although I will admit to wondering about the circumstances of the partially burnt driver's ID turning up in Lola's apartment. There's a story in that alone.

As to whether Mandy participated in the demise of the runaway couple or the whole thing was a dream, I take it that the choice is mine. And I say she dunnit.

It's a most entertaining tale written with panache (hah, bet you don't get that everyday!) and humour. The gnome character is a fine creation too. There's just one little quibble I have.

It's that first sentence. About Mandy's chin trembling. That can go one of two ways. Either emotion has so gripped her that her chin is trembling with the effort not to cry, or her chubbiness is such that certain parts of her tend to wobble with her every movement. I quite fancy the second interpretation, especially as it might go some way to explaining Sam's infidelity. But I think it needs a bit of clarification if the reader is not to rush ahead with the wrong idea.

But I love the piece, whatever the answer to that partiucular point might be. Most enjoyable.


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I don't get it - what is the point of making all the characters animals? Apparently, they look like animals but behave exactly like humans. I decided that it must be some sort of animal rights thing and I kept going in the hope of finding the answer eventually. But it seemed there was no answer.

Maybe all the kids were dressed up as animals, although it seems a bit of a coincidence that they all should enjoy that sort of thing. Or perhaps it's written for children, although there's no mention of that in the list of genres.

The point is that, if you're going to have these animals driving around and going to homeless animal shelters, there should be a reason for such scenario. Otherwise it's just a distraction that leaves the reader ignoring the story as he searches for meaning in the piece.

As regards the writing, there is little wrong with that - you can write. In fact, the dialogue makes it clear that you understand how children's minds work. The story is a bit didactic, and predictable as a result, but that can be fixed by having Sarah put up much more of a fight for Molly, maybe even keeping the doll, in fact. She can be suitably repentant in the car on the way home. It introduces a little more spice into the piece with some unpredictability too.

But I think you should tell us about the animals right from the beginning. Don't let it be a question in the reader's mind as they read their way through the story.


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Another tale of vengeance! You handle these dark tales very capably and I must presume that horror is your preferred genre. Which is fine - I dabble a little in that area myself, although it's not really my preference.

This particular tale is well told with no flaws or errors that I noticed. You have a very strong ability with language and your writing is tight, effective in attaining its aim without unnecessary frills or attempts to be clever. It's straightforward, knows where it's going and gets there without fuss. Your skills in description are also excellent. Really, you leave me with little to say beyond applause. Always the problem with writers who know their stuff.

If I have a problem at all with the story, it's in the break between the man's story and the lady's. I know you put in an extra return between the relevant paragraphs but, even so, it took me a few moments to realise what was going on. It might be an idea to insert some sort of design between the paragraphs to make the break more obvious.

Other than that, I can't fault it. Keep writing!


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Review of Respect  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Not sure I know enough to comment on this one. Is there some sort of Irish or Scottish tradition that the gift of a ring is a proposal of marriage? Or is there some other significance in the gift? Otherwise it's a sort of taunting, "I killed your father" statement.

It must surely be a weakness in the story to leave this matter unsettled. Fun for the writer but not for the reader, in other words. And that has to count against the piece.

Which is a pity since it's well constructed and presented, with excellent atmosphere building. All it needs is another paragraph in which the reason for the delivery of the ring is explained. Or even several paragraphs, to make this into a much longer story than may have been envisaged originally. Personally and if presented with this beginning, I'd have the lady rush outside to harangue the Scot, much to his annoyance. His subsequent threat of killing her could then be thwarted by the fortuitous return from the pub of her brothers, who promptly beat the living daylights out of the feller.

Ah, but that's just me. As it is, it's a tale without a tail. Ably told but disppointing in the end. But you have considerable writing ability and should keep at it.


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Funnily enough, this one is much closer to Grimms' Fairy Tales than the Disney versions. Those children's stories from the dark forests of northern Europe were pretty bloodthirsty in the originals. Basically, this tale turns the story of Hansel and Gretel on its head, with the kids being the villains and the old lady the innocent victim. Its theme is vengeance and the comeuppance of the children is justified by their previous persecution of the old lady.

The writing is very capable and the descriptions quite vivid. This makes the final denouement a bit horrific and disqualifies the story as suitable for children. But it would certainly entertain those with a taste for the darker genres of literature.

My only gripe would be that it's a bit predictable. Presuming that the Writer's Cramp prompt for which it was written involved a reversing of well known tales, this is inevitable. Once you're told to write the opposite of something, the result is bound to follow naturally.

So it's not my cup of tea but ably constructed and presented. Keep writing, is my advice!


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Review of Memories  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is an interesting scenario. What were the circumstances that brought about the death of Christmas for the children in the story? It doesn't matter for the purposes of the story, of course, but the mystery does supply a more serious and warning note to the reader. Is there a chance that Christmas might be forgotten and disappear from the calendar in the future? It's not beyond the bounds of possibility - it's been banned in more than one country in the past.

The story itself is more hopeful. The older people begin to share their memories of Christmases past and, in the morning, the children are regaled with their stories. There seems no reason why the holiday cannot be resurrected through such action.

So it's a happy tale in the end, though a dark background lurks in what brought them to this pass. The writing is competent and without fault and the scene is set with very few words, as is required in flash fiction. Deceptively simple, there's a lot of thought gone into this.


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Review of Plot Survey  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I know so little of the financial world that I am clearly not entitled to have an opinion. But it sounds just about plausible to me. My only doubt is that there would be enough time involved in the float to complete the pump and dump side of things. It would have to be a huge amount of money involved to instigate a stock rise as swift as envisaged. Presumably, you've done a fair amount of research on the thing, however, and the thing is at least theoretically possible.

Other than my uninformed doubt as regards timing, I think it's a great idea. I don't have any interest in the investment world so I don't think I'd buy the book (or whatever is planned) but that's just me. There are plenty of people around who'd love it, I'm sure. In the end, if you've done enough research to see that the scheme is possible, you really ought to give the writing of it (and not the thing itself) a bash.


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of Vincent The Blue-Eyed Dragon by Sandyw1

Initial Impression:

The tale makes me think of that breathless enthusiasm of the narrator determined that every tiny detail of the story be told and understood. The pace is almost frantic and the reader given little time to savour one event before the next is hurrying him onward. The story itself has some strengths but needs a fair amount of trimming before it will appeal to its intended audience.

Title:

Fairly standard stuff for the genre, the title could use some injection of interest. The dragon's name, for instance, needs to be a little more intriguing than the ordinary-sounding Vincent. Take Tolkien's dragon, Smaug - now there's a name that has the feeling of something out of the ordinary, an otherworldly creature indeed, all suggested by this name that promotes discussion over its pronunciation. Personally, the fact that the dragon's eyes are blue just irritates me, but you may be right in that children will probably like the fact. It might be a better idea to avoid all this in the title anyway, and select something that hints at the adventure instead. A suggestion might be A Dragon Rescue - it hints at a tale beyond the usual.

Content:

A valid enough story in danger of disappearing in a wealth of detail. The dialogue in particular is laden with unnecessary and irrelevant steps toward a fairly simple goal. The reader doesn't need to have every step in the unfolding story detailed for him. Much can be inferred without recording every word spoken by the protagonists. This is fairly important because the story is rather longer than it needs to be for the intended audience. 3,500 words is a lot for young children.

So t needs to be edited by deleting what isn't entirely necessary for understanding what's going on. You could also avoid the back and forth machine gun fire of short statements in dialogue by allowing protagonists to say more than one fact in each utterance. It's easy to get lost in these long bursts of exchanged comments so that the reader no longer knows who is saying what. Keep it simple and allow action to intervene more often in the conversation.

When writing for children, there is only one subject that allows for great detail and that is food. Kids will delight in long lists of delicious foods at a banquet, for instance, but anything else leaves them cold. They don't care about the weather, how beautiful a thing is or how magnificent the castle - they just want to know what happens. Characters may speak but forget the flowery introductions and go straight to the point. It's story they want.

Style:

I've said enough about limiting the detail you include but there is also the matter of dialect. The use of an imagined medieval dialect is tempting but you have to know your stuff if it's to be done effectively. You do better than most in that you have some grasp of the use of thy, thee and thine, but you're way off when attempting verb endings. Just because we once said "hath" instead of "has" doesn't mean that it's correct to add TH to other verbs. The safest bet is to use verbs exactly as we do today. That, at least, avoids the complex laws governing such word endings.

Flow/Pace:

Rattles along and needs some reining in. The determination to include every tiny fact or action results in a quickfire storm of statements that force the pace yet do not actually move the story along at anything more than a pretty slow plod. Judicious cutting of extraneous detail will work wonders here. Leave a few details in, however - the ones that illuminate through intense observation. Sometimes it's the vivid or unusual details that provide more description than a paragraph of details piled on each other.

Suggestions:

As usual, I've run out of suggestions by the time I reach this heading. Let's take them as given.

Favourite line or part:

"Thou mayest (arrgghh no - he would just say "may") call me Kevin." He's worked hard at his medievalese - let's give him a name that suggests it too. Hubert's a good one that we still use occasionally today. And Hal is even better.

Overall Impression:

With some judicious editing, this could be a fine tale to enthrall children. I've been fairly brutal with my criticism but nothing I've said is too difficult to fix. It's much easier to reduce a piece in length than it is to add to it and that, essentially, is what this story needs. So don't be discouraged - it's only my opinion in the end. Keep writing!



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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Fascinating. But also slightly annoying that I cannot share in the joke, not having read The Bridges of Madison County (nor seen the movie, for that matter). I would probably have attempted to read it in the normal course of events anyway but, now that you've sparked my interest, I don't see how I would be able to avoid it if it came my way. And that, probably, was at least partially your intention in writing this - that others too would be drawn into reading the book.

But I know what you mean about the guy's style. There are some writers whose style I find so irritating that I cannot finish a book written by them. It's not always that their style is amateurish - sometimes it can be a choice of words frequently used or some other personal habit that puts me off.

You have written a wonderful account of a strong friendship in this. The relaxed and gentle style draws the reader in from the start and we are soon deeply involved in the story as it quickens in pace and tension. It really is a masterful piece and something to be proud of. Most enjoyable.


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, it's well written. No errors or typos that I can see. But I'm not sure how to react to it. My first feeling was that it was evil (yes that word really did go through my mind). And then I thought, "You can't say that." Followed by, "Why not? I'm an old fart and that kind of thing is expected of me." And then I thought that it's meant light-heartedly, not to be taken seriously at all. It might even be fiction, although it reads like a memory of adolescent mischief.

Finally, I decided that it is fiction and the writing so good that it deceives us into thinking it's a real memory. And that, surely, is what story-telling is supposed to be - so effective that we get lost in the world it creates.

If that makes me a gullible old fool, then so be it. But at least I don't have to be all morally superior about it. There is even a possibility that I got up to the same kind of thing when I was a kid.

In the end, it's an entertaining story that has the added benefit of a moral buried in it somewhere. Keep writing.


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