Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing your short story on behalf of TGDI REVIEW GROUP. These are only my opinions. I am not a professional editor and can only suggest changes that I feel may improve your work. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.



I truly enjoyed reading this story. It held my interest from beginning to end. The plot is unique and there is a thread of suspense throughout.


TITLE: THE BURDEN The title fits the story very well. Although it is a simple title it sums up the tale.


THEME: A young woman inherits a necklace with a world shaping power.

GRAMMAR, SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION:There are some errors in these categories:

I note that you use the word "had" alot. It becomes redundant after a while. Try stating the sentences in such a way that "had" is not necessary. For instance:

After high school, she took off, hopping from town to town, trying to find answers. Her mother was a closed book, never speaking of her past or why she made them move so often. Every time Bran came to visit, they took off again.

I think that without the word 'had', the sentences become crisper, more immediate. I made this same error. It was pointed out to me by a thoughtful reviewer and I did see a definite improvement when I stopped using it so often.

" . . . she left footprints . . ."

I would opt for 'prints', here. Using 'footprints' confused me because footprints are not so deep, but snow to the calf is.

"The apartment was exactly how she remembered it: . . ."

The apartment was exactly as she remembered it . . .

"She eyed him, nervous."

Place a semi-colon after 'him'.

"Tell me about it."

Why is this line italicized? If she is thinking it, Albert won't hear her, if she is saying it, it would be a part of normal speech, unless she was shouting.

"Though his eyes were so strange. Besides, he could have taken the necklace at the hospital if he wanted it.”

Place an open quote before 'Besides,' and place it on its own line, so we can see the difference that now, Mariel is speaking and not thinking.

"For just a moment she his face sag with regret."

There seems to be a word missing, 'saw his face?'

"He finished a great beast, halfway between cat and crocodile."

I would say, 'He finished as a great beast . . .'


STRUCTURE:

" . . . barnacle growths that covered it."

I believe that barnacles only grow on articles that have been submerged in salt water. If there are truly barnacles on this medallion, and it was under salt water as in the sea, this could add another dimension to its story. If not, then another word should be chosen for the encrustation. However, if you stick with barnacles, then you should explain briefly how this heirloom became encrusted with barnacles.

" . . . didn’t trust me with any of this stuff."

This hints at more items than just the necklace, but they are never revealed. It would be advantageous to either add more articles or limit her statement to the necklace alone.

“The door was unlocked. Hey!” he shouted, as she swung at his head."

This seems kind of shakey. If the door were unlocked, why didn't Mariel notice it when she entered? I doubt whether it would have been left open if Mariel's mother was in the hospital dying. It begs an explanation. If Mariel came in and didn't lock the door behind her, then take away the impression that his young man was in the room before she came. Perhaps Mariel could hear the door open and jump to the offensive. There needs to be a clearer explanation here.

"That’s why I had to find you, or your father, that is. I saw his address in her notepad.”

If Mariel's mother was so upset as to keep the info about the necklace from her daughter, would she keep addresses of persons she was trying desperately to avoid? Perhaps you should add a bit of explanation as to why she kept the address of Albert's father.
I like your choice of names. They are as are mine, ones you don't hear often This adds a bit of spice to any story.

"Look, I’ve had enough of this. I’m sorry I wasted your time.” Mariel stood up."

I think this would be a stronger statement if Mariel said: Your wasting my time!
She really has no desire to be friendly to this young man and he would be looked on as a dangerous intruder.

"The tears turned to ice on her cheeks . . ."

Tears are comprised of saline (a salty substance). It would take tremendously low temps to make them freeze. I have seen this but, at the North Pole on explorers faces. I know that in the next paragraph you say the weather is crazy, but you should mention the unusual freeze as well. Does this fact have anything to do with the story? You may need to modify this.

"When he opened it, the rough growths and blemishes that covered it had been cleared away. He held it back out to her."

I would expect some sort of reaction to the change in the necklace from Mariel.

“Don’t believe him!” Albert shouted . . ."

They live in NYC and nobody locks their doors? I would re-think this.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: "How did you know my mother?” she asked, barely able to meet his eye. He’d been such a friend to her, and she was nothing but suspicious. “What I mean is, how did you become friends with her?”

Bran was quiet for a moment, and she could tell he was weighing his words. There was a secret, then.

“I have never been friends with your mother.”

The simple blatant honesty here lends refreshment after each of these men have "lied" to Mariel. They are both trying to play her, but Bran is more truthful and his feelings for Mariel come through.

“It’s powerful, and just like humanity, it isn’t entirely good.”

Wonderful summation on the powers in the amulet.


MY SUGGESTIONS: I would like to see more. The story's ending leads the reader to want the whole tale. If you are intending this to be a chapter in a longer version, you are very successful in hooking your reader and interesting them in the next chapter. If you do write more of this adventure, I would love to read the rest.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and posting for more reviews, it is the way we learn. Blessings, Bertie