This poem reflects the need for protection not only from the world outside, but from the world within us that can be just as hurtful. It is effective in the way that it makes a person reflect on the need for peace. I would suggest that you decide whether you want this poem to rhyme or be a blank verse, one that does not rhyme. An author can say a great deal in a short piece and that is why I love poetry. In the first stanza the word "asylum" is used one time and is alternated with "safety" in the second line. This gives the word "asylum" more strength and creates your opening impact. Thereafter, l feel that the word "asylum" is used too often and the middle of the poem loses it's impact. I would suggest using alternative words as you did in the first stanza, such as: succor, peace, shelter.
One other factor is your length of line. Especially in blank verse, the rythym is dependent on syllables. In the first line you have eight and also in the second, but then in the third and fourth you break into 5 syllables. Think of your poem as a sort of song. If you analyze the line of a song from verse to verse and clap the syllables out you will notice that from verse to verse they repeat the beat pattern. I do this often with my own verse and I find it effective to clap out the beat of my poem to keep the rythym true.
I enjoyed reading this poem. Brevity is important to me, unless you are writing a saga and you have conveyed a strong emotion with just a few words and four verses. I would love to see a re-write of this. One way that you could keep the third and fourth stanzas with the syllable construction they already have would be to add one more verse using the beat that occurs in the first and second stanza.
Remember, this is your work and you can take all my suggestions, some of them or none. I would love to see you keep writing, remember "practice makes perfect.
Hopeful, I really think this is good. A bit too many words and, at times your sentence structure gets a little twisted, but overall it is filled with so much feeling that those things mean little and are fixable. I suggest you re-read this, knock out some of the extra words and watch your spelling. I would love to see you work on this and re-post. The Title is what attracted me and I see the theme carried through in this piece. I enjoyed this aand look forward to reading a re-write. If you seriously want to re-write this, I will do some editing for you. Let me know.
This has very clear imagery. I can see the night sky and a child's head tilted back looking up at the stars. The calming reflection in the end that the night is your friend is comforting, like a bedtime story.
I find nothing wrong with the rhyme or rythm of these verses. I think they'd be good in a card, they say things that it may be difficult to say in person. I could see them given to someone whom you wanted to make-up with. They certainly express emotions that reflect the idea. Post some more.
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