Sounds like NY to me! Great job. The only thing I would suggest is dropping the comma's afetr all of the first lines. I don't think they are needed if it is to be read like a sentence. Also, you may want to add a comma or dash after "heavy snow is coming" - just a thought
Also, if you switch around the second and third stanza, you won't have the same rhyme scheme so close together (cold, told, sold, unfold) and it will still read well!
I'm a mom and appreciate this poem very much. It's very cute and true. Nice job! I wouldn't change anything except add some punctuation and 'clean' it up a bit.
I really enjoy the imagery in your poem and the way you use the senses to try to make the reader feel like they are there!
I do have some suggestions for improvement - and of course it is only my opinion, so please keep that in mind.
First, I would drop the word "already". If spring is near, it's ~not~ "already" here. I think it sets the poem up for a bit of confusion.
Maybe something like this would work?
"Life shines, weathers’ new cycle
is waiting straight ahead."
For the second stanza, I think another word starting with the letter "f" as in fragrance would work well and would add some alliteration, too
Also in the second stanza, you could try adding some more adjectives and taking out a couple of the "and" words.
In the third stanza, you use the word "new" twice and the word "feel" and/or "feelings" three times.
To add more depth, it check a thesaurus and replace a couple of the 'feel' words. I'd keep the first new and replace the second 'new' with something else.
also, in the third stanza, what are the feelings harnessing? Maybe you could mention that if you decide to change it up a bit...
IMHO, I'd keep the first two lies of the third stanza as is and fool around a little with the last two lines...
Here's my idea, plus puncuation:
With new zeal let’s inside feel,
(new?) warmth and tenderness.
Ideas are what make a man
as his dreams are harnessed!
LOL...this is just so funny and cute. You have a great imagination! I think you may want to double check how you're using the puncuation...but, other than that, it's just perfect. Great job!
This was a very touching story. I wish all speeders could read it so they could appreciate the hazards they are to people. I especially love the last line in your story, "Remember, cars are not the only things recalled by their maker." Brillant.
I noticed a couple of typos - no big deal...:
15th paragraph - "wondered why hadn't he asked for a driver's license?"
I'm not the best with puncuation but, I think there should either be a comma after "wondered" or the words "he" and "hadn't" should be switched around.
2nd paragraph - "He thought (he'd) let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard."
"He'd" needs to be added in.
Excellent writing. Thanks!
Take care,
Lynn
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