SpaceFaction goes on a low-quality interview show, telling the truth about his experience with aliens.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
This is a neat concept and a departure from your usual plot patterns - I enjoyed it. Your dialogue style is stronger in an interview format. The idea that most aliens couldn't sense a human is a cute touch.
What Might Be Improved:
Whenever writing a story, try to consider what the emotional payoff is supposed to be: what is a reader looking for in your story and what are you promising them? In a Maury Povich-style format, what you are suggesting you will offer is sensation and humor. That is, you suggest you will offer revelations about the real lives of aliens that have only been guessed about, in the style of one-liners from the movie "Men In Black". You give some of these: tying together the Bermuda Triangle, Atlantis, and SG-1 was a good choice - but given limited space, more such revelations might strengthen the story better than some of SpaceFaction's time spent defending himself.
On the other hand, the reader has no sense of how SpaceFaction has managed his travel or why aliens and humans might not recognize one another, which makes the story seem less plausible - however, this might be difficult to address briefly. I do see some typos, but mostly I think this story suffers from trying to accomplish a lot in a short space, and it may need some difficult editing to refine exactly what you want to keep as well as make the closing dialogue a little more elegant.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
Exotic beings of pure energy encounter a human-occupied rocket orbiting the planet earth, and both human and alien beings marvel at nature's odd and beautiful phenomena.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
The concept of humans and aliens failing to recognize one another has been popularized by Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Carl Sagan, and a number of science fiction authors, but this is a fresh take on the theme. You mix scientific characterizations in with evocative (and appropriate) technobabble to describe the aliens themselves, giving the exotic beings a concrete feel: the alien descriptions are delightful. Both the humans and the aliens derive a sense of wonder from the encounter, though Carl seems wistful and almost disappointed at what the experience wasn't - the reader will take cues from these emotional reactions.
What Might Be Improved:
The contest allows 2000 words, just enough to flesh out the encounter a little more, especially from the human side. One sentence doesn't quite seem to do the experience justice.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and congratulations on being November's Winner!
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
This story speaks to the seductive nature of technology, which often gives us what we want rather than what we need. The main character reacts to the sudden interruption of network technology by solar flare by emphasizing human hope and love. The description of mental and moral atrophy enabled by technology is really good here, and this dystopian vision seems like one plausible interpretation of real technological trends.
What Might Be Improved:
I found the physicality of the avatar descriptions a bit prurient, a bit blunt. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing - I do see this kind of style in a lot of writing online, but I tend to prefer indirect descriptions of such things. I'm probably just old and prudish, but I think it only fair to say it's not quite to my taste. One might complain that so much of the action here is internal, but that seems appropriate to what you want to share here. Aside from editing for elegance, there's little here I feel moved to criticize - well done!
Thanks again for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and Congratulations on your victory in this month's contest!
Thanks for you entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
This story is upbeat and easy to read, answers the story prompt, and speaks to typical ideas about machine intelligence.
What might be improved
This is a bit short, and breezes quickly to the conclusion. AI is already doing some impressive things - I think many readers will be very surprised to learn what is easy and hard for current AI. Try googling "AI art generation," for example!
Thanks for telling the folks at BlackAdder's Cantina about your Grand Am! It doesn't quite match the theme of the contest, but it was a pleasant little bit and fun to read. I don't see any major problems with it, but a little more of a plot or progression that uses up more of the 2000-word budget and more of a tie-in to the contest theme would make it a stronger entry.
But I really do appreciate you bringing your ride by!
Thanks for bringing your story by BlackAdder's Cantina!
What I liked:
You've got the beginnings of a good revenge story, and you focus on the experiential aspects of it, what it's like to be an immortal shapeshifter who is not at all innocent - except of the very specific crimes they're being tortured for.
What Might be Improved:
Your wording and use of pronouns need more editing and practice. This paragraph in some ways very good:
"The shaking and shivering didn’t last very long. About a minute or two before it suddenly stopped. It took me another few minutes to recover from it. If what I call recover is the right word. After all, I didn’t recover from it completely. Each time that had happened, it had taken me longer to calm down from it."
I can gather what you're trying to describe, and you're drawing attention to the right aspects of the experience. But the wording is subtly jarring as if it might be translated from another language or dialect where it's quite elegant. It's very difficult to give feedback on such things: all I can say is to make time to read, read, read! And then write for the same audience who would enjoy what you read.
Aside from that, the twist at the end is not well supported: it's not clear why the prisoner is able to escape at the end but not before, which weakens the sense of progression and robs the story of its climax.
A NewsFinder who is totally not Gallanta Bavan (at least not today) solves a murder mystery while preparing for a heist.
Thanks for bringing your story to BlackAdder's Cantina!
What I liked:
You have the bones of a good plot here and the style you're reaching for is a good one with which to tell it. That is, you appear to try to use short, choppy sentences from a supremely confident narrator as a means of drawing the reader in, and I think this is a good choice.
What might be improved:
Unfortunately, the word choice, sentence structure, use of pronouns, a few grammatical errors, and the lack of description of the setting make this story difficult to read or visualize.
If could offer one piece of advice about the writing, it would be this: it is better to describe matters explicitly than implicitly through pronouns. For example:
"That isn’t what I’m doing there, though. I’m going there to see something that I would like to take if I can do it. I know that I can’t. but that doesn’t mean that I can’t take a look at it."
Could be:
"I'm not here to cover the Empire's latest conquests, though. No, there's a certain item that has caught my eye and is begging for a new owner: me. Taking it would be impossible, of course. Absolutely impossible. But nothing piques my curiosity like the impossible."
My advice is to take one of your stories and subject it to multiple edits, improving the description each time. You may find yourself amazed at what you can bring out of your writing if you focus on improving one thing at a time! This kind of effort is one of the things subjecting one of us lesser mortals from a Patrick Rothfuss (and, unfortunately, keeps him from finishing his books).
Thanks again for the entry, and good luck in your future writing!
The narrator arranges to not just meet but join the crew of the famous Black Jack.
Thanks for your foray into BlackAdder's Cantina!
What I liked:
This is an original story with a creative plot, and you employ multiple devices (word choice, tone, pacing, attempts at using a pirate dialect) to build engagement with the audience and add energy to your storytelling.
What Might Be Improved:
1. This story doesn't quite follow the prompt: "Tell us about your encounters with the Law."
2. In the short span of 2000 words, you have Black Jack tell a shorter version of his story before launching into the longer one. This somewhat steals the thunder of the longer piece and gives up efficiency.
3. The frame story about staging a fight to meet the pirate is also a bit wordy. This story has a number of layers, each of them colorful but thin.
4. Black Jack's narrative about the mutiny of the ship is really the core of the story. Unfortunately, it's the part of story with the weakest pacing and dramatic buildup. It badly needs to progress towards a dramatic climax and resolve it, though that is difficult to do with a frame tale.
5. Overall, I think this is a great first draft, but my advice when planning and editing a story is to do fewer things more thoroughly
Thanks for your entry in the BlackAdder's Cantina! Hope to see you later for another round!
Gallanta Bavan is a rogue and smuggler made good, now helping the Law.
Thanks for dropping by BlackAdder's Cantina!
What I liked:
You correctly followed the prompt and came up with a plausible and interesting story about the smuggler from Kallim.
What Might be Improved:
Your writing continues to improve, but there's still room to grow. I suggest focusing on the minute details of the writing craft: character description, scene description, word choice, story structure, and so on. Jumping around between the character's abilities as an expat from Kallim, his capture, and one of his new missions doesn't quite allow you to do any of them justice within the word limit.
Thanks for swinging by the Cantina and sharing your story!
The narrator and Caruba risk their lives to escape Harn and make new lives.
Thanks for your foray in the BlackAdder's Cantina!
What I liked:
You chose a first-person smuggling story, after the example given. This is a full story with few grammatical error, with a solid story structure and clear progression passing from beginning to end. It paints the story of a hardscrabble future where smuggling makes sense, and where the main character can take part in lawbreaking while remaining a sympathetic character. You involve 4 characters with their own roles, and their goals are important to the plot.
What Might Be Improved:
1. The prompt asked you to "Tell us about your encounters with the Law." As in the example story, the main character is a smuggler who breaks the law... but does not actually "encounter the Law."
2. Your story involves 4 characters and minimal dialogue or character interaction. Each character is one dimensional and only your main character is dynamic.
3. All of your paragraphs are short, with short sentences. A little more length and variation in length might make your paragraphs flow better: your writing here is a little choppy
4. I've have been accused of "white room syndrome," offering too little description. This seems to be acceptable in some published genre science fiction and is difficult to add in stories this short, but might help improve your writing.
5. You share two subplots: the narrator's escape and path to self-sufficiency as well as revenge for Caruba's fate. It's difficult to fit both cleanly in the length limit and also do justice to the necessary story-telling. I'm not certain you made the right choice between them.
Thanks for stopping by BlackAdder's Cantina: this round of drink's is yours!
Schmel's dastardly schemes deserve a good double-cross, and Jarf is willing to deliver - in the name of his own evil conquest.
What I liked:
This was clever, creative, and nasty - a guilty pleasure, so to speak. Written with a sensuous flourish.
What Might be Improved:
I think you hit what you aimed for, here. I'm not usually a big fan of rooting for the bad guys, and the revenge was quite straightforward. I suppose I was looking for something a little more cerebral for the contest win - but this story does well what it intends.
What I liked:
You clearly have put some thought into the world and economy that makes Love Trips valuable.
What Might Be Improved:
I can't say I really connected with this story. I didn't quite get what was supposed to be the hook, so I was a bit lost here. That made this one a bit hard to rate.
Thanks again for Your Entry into the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
A people from the planet Madion return to their home to find humans living on a devastated planet.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
This is a creative take on the contest prompt. Those returning to their planet have an opportunity to judge humans harshly for their invasion and for the fate of their planet, but instead discover the humans are innocent and find they can be good neighbors.
What Might Be Improved:
The writing in this piece is a bit awkward: the dialogue is a bit on the nose, and it's difficult to keep track of who the characters are and what is unique about them, and where the action is taking place. Also, while it's grammatically correct to write a story in the present tense, there's a reason it's seldom done: it tends not to read as well as a story written in the past tense. The difficulty I had in visualizing and placing the characters was compounded by the changes in perspective and timing. This is a good and creative concept, but the story-telling is a bit rocky. Telling stories is a very difficult art - one I have not come close to mastering. Keep up the good practice!
Thanks again for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
Enoch returns to Earth after thousands of years (fifty years in subjective time) to discover an Earth that had mostly recovered, though its people were diminished, after the Great Flood.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
The idea of people returning to Earth after a great disaster thousands of years ago is a good one, just the kind the Science Fiction Short Story Contest was fishing for! Attention was paid to resolve a young earth creationist narrative with a millennia-spanning science fiction story. Using dialogue between Enoch and his crew members to move the plot is a good device to create the illusion of progression in a vignette where no actions are taken: the implicit irony of juxtaposing the travelers' perspectives with those familiar to the audience (mostly earthlings) and reconciling it with a biblical narrative seems to provide the thrust of the piece.
What Might Be Improved:
This story is mostly an information dump about Earth's history as interpreted by people who left Earth thousands of years ago: it's difficult to make a truly poignant work of a backstory, however interesting its concept. Neither Enoch nor his shipmates are well-developed characters but simply narrators for history. The summaries they provided one another seemed a bit on the nose given the wonder of discovering long-lost brethren on one's ancestral planet. I found it strange that Enoch and his crew had the technology to travel between stars as well as possessing superior translation and computation capabilities, but did not plan for the time dilation effect associated with relativistic speeds.
As I am being reminded in reviews of my own work, good short stories are typically built out of the perspectives offered by well-developed characters and the conflicts they endure. The creative concepts you employ could be the backdrop for a compelling narrative Enoch experiences.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
Diance and Windim crash into the ice planet of SaTuon, and are left for dead with limited supplies. That's when the situation begins to worsen...
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
The ice planet SaTuon is a worthy exploration of this month's prompt, Ice. The slow discovery of the depth of the expedition's troubles is a classic source of conflict for a science fiction story, and the twist at the end adds to it.
What Might Be Improved:
I won't repeat my stylistic critique from previous entries, but most of the concerns I raise in those are evident here. While the progression and stakes of the story is clear, the ending is not. The way this particular cliff-hanger is presented also undermines the central conflict somewhat: the reader's hopes for the sake of the ship are not raised very high - their situation seems like it might be a lost cause, but it's not entirely clear yet that no solution is possible, leaving the story feeling somewhat unfinished.
Thanks for your entry in this month's Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and congratulations on winning this month's prize!
Moore visits his Russian colleague to see how the country has so suddenly leapfrogged Canada's efforts, only to discover Russia's AIs aren't as artificial as they appear.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
This story posed a creative answer to the question of the future of AI: one in which human minds continue to eclipse their creations. It touches on the questions of what it means to be intelligent and what it means to be human, placing the unraveling of the question at the center of the story's conflict. While the worldbuilding is solid, the story is immersive: it tells in real-time how Moore discovers what he's competing with through wry narrative and sarcastic dialogue.
What Might Be Improved:
This is a story built on unraveling a mystery. The puzzle is resolved with a single twist, and then the story ends, mostly without consequence. A lack of stakes weakens the hook in an otherwise promising story.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! And Congratulations on winning November's Contest!
Malicant lays a trap for the Metal Individuals that seek to destroy the last free community on Hastan: his Fhalint.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
The plot here is simple, solid, and straightforward, with irony punctuating the conflict: Metal Individuals pretending to be Young Ones are lulled into believing they have penetrated the Fhalint, but Malicant is two steps ahead of them. The plot is a solid response to the contest prompt, providing a bittersweet element of hope in an otherwise dystopian future. The piece is grammatically solid and the pacing is appropriate for the length of the story.
What Might Be Improved
The dialogue here is on the nose, Capitalization is used in lieu of imaginative jargon or clever descriptions, and most of the characterization and conflict are provided by the worldbuilding: this story comes close to being an information dump. Work on those elements of effective writing and your stories will have some oomph behind them!
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest - looking forward to reading your next entry!
Solomon discovers that a secret class of human beings, not the Singularity, run the world - a false God that he comes to regret serving.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
The World-building in "Solomon's Country" is clever and detailed, placing a twist on the modern fear of and reverence for the Singularity. In the future world Solomon inhabits, the Singularity never arrives: AI continues to lack the flexibility, creativity, and adaptability of humans. This does not prevent an unscrupulous upper class from building a dystopia based on the fiction of AI overlords, leading to a eugenic society reminiscent of Aldous Huxley's fevered dreams. The dialogue and descriptions are clear and readable. This takes a serious crack at a challenging contest prompt.
What Might Be Improved:
The worldbuilding in this piece is taking on the role of setting, plot, character, and conflict: that is, the story is an information dump, Solomon's faith experience notwithstanding. The twist at the end is a little confusing too: Solomon's epiphany is left vague. If Solomon experiences a revelation of God, his actions make sense because the world has betrayed that God. However, in the absence of specifics, it very much sounds as if Solomon has imagined or invented a Higher Power rather than discovering one: belief in it comes across as rather less noble or even sane under those conditions. It's possible as an author to make a religious experience seem ambiguous and yet powerful, but only by describing it in far more concrete and immersive terms. There are some good elements here, but it seems the attempt at worldbuilding has eclipsed the story.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! While this is not my favorite of your stories, you have some interesting work here and I'm looking forward to your next story!
Lash learns that multiple colonies have disappeared, and he is invited to join the investigation team.
What I liked:
The world-building is strong with this one, and missing colonies (separated by enough time lag that no information is possible for sending an expedition) is a great hook. Your writing is grammatically and stylistically clean, making this an easy read, and you've followed the prompt. Well done!
What might be improved:
The opening is a bit dry. While a longer story can sometimes get away with the kind of information dump about Lash's past, I have discovered that modern writers can seldom afford to assume the reader will buy the book (and therefore commit to it) before reading the first chapter or two. Without more reason to identify with Lash or his situation, the reader is likely to find the initial amount of information not specifically related to the moment off-putting. An introduction that dropped Lash's backstory and re-factored the rest around a second emotional hook (possibly something to do with Lash's relationship or similar experiences) would be briefer and more compelling, giving more chance to set up a mini-conflict that foreshadows the action to come. Whatever style a story opens with, that's what a reader will expect for the rest.
I've written expositions that look a lot like this, and like your content here I thought mine was interesting. Unfortunately, in my case, I wrote the whole book before discovering why readers were reluctant to read past the second chapter!
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest and I'm looking forward to reading your next story!
After a strange event in her youth, Shkiana lives her life in fear of storms. But after a crash strands her on Konnus, she discovers hints of a deeper mystery.
What I liked:
This is a well-developed story that properly executes the story's prompt, with its final sentences leaving me guessing as to the nature of the story to come. The grammar is good, the progression is good, and the protagonist is an interesting character. Well done!
What be improved:
It is a convention of English writing before the early 20th century or so to use capitalization as a way to emphasize words. This, however, is not done in modern English. The first word in a sentence is capitalized and proper nouns (the names of people, countries, cities, etc.) are capitalized. Words like researchers are not capitalized. You could argue that "The Gathering Storm" should be capitalized because it is a proper noun, the official name of a unique event. But generally, it is not correct to capitalize nouns for emphasis or to make them sound more official. You have submitted at least half a dozen stories where you do this. Please do not - this separates your stories from every other one that I have read that was written in the past century, and not in a positive way!
Additionally, it is good practice to vary your word choice, especially within dialog. Much of your writing can be described as "on the nose." Please consider reading up on how to avoid this error. Your stories are creative - if you can overcome this limitation, they will become several times more compelling. Consider investing in the skills described here: https://screencraft.org/2018/12/30/how-to-avoid-wr...
With these caveats, your story best fit the criteria described by the prompt, introducing a problem and teasing the reader into wanting to know more. Congratulations, you are the Winer of the September SCience Fiction Short Story Contest!
Teryl is split between the responsibilities of his new position as a station security chief and those as a husband. Trying vainly to fulfill both, he winds up fulfilling neither - and paying the price.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
This is is an original scenario carefully crafted for the contest prompt to fit within the length constraints. Teryl's laconic personality is depicted with sufficient clarity and plausibility to make for uncomfortable reading: fitting, as it constitutes the motivating tragic flaw. This story has a clear conflict, a sense of progression, and clear character roles. Within the constraints of space, this is a skillful execution of a powerful concept. Well done!
What might be improved:
The contest prompt included two elements. The first was "the gathering storm," where the storm could be either physical or metaphorical. The second element, following up on the concept of the metaphorical storm, was that the story pose a lead-in into something larger: "Fully developed plots are allowed, but this month the contest goes to the one who leaves me wanting to know more!"
This plot feels complete. While I could imagine this story being the first chapter in a larger book about the challenges faced by a colony on Tremulous 3, there is no foreshadowing of that kind of thing - this story does not, by itself, leave me wanting more. For that reason and that reason alone, I don't feel comfortable making this story the contest winner, though it is otherwise the best story.
That said, I will admit cringing a bit at Teryl and Jenneth's relationship. While I like this piece (and like it more after multiple readings), I don't always connect with a story where I'm tempted to dislike all the characters! This is perhaps better understood as a flaw in the reader and not the story, but I share the observation in the hope that you find it useful.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest and for a great story!
In order to save the lives of their crewmates, Po and Illuan volunteer to implement a plan just crazy enough to work - only to discover they have signed on for a suicide mission.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked
I see a clear, well-organized plot and a likable but roguish protagonist. You've built a world with enough detail to make it feel real and fluid enough dialogue to make the characters credible. The opening scene describing the danger to the pirate ship is a strong one, setting up the stakes and the conflict. You also adhered to the prompt, setting up the "gathering storm" - and not quite resolving it. Well Done!
What Might Be Improved
There are a few awkward phrases scattered about (a reader will notice those at the beginning and end more easily). For example:
"I took it and started the built-in booster, together."
You might want to think about applying the word "we" in this sentence since a single person cannot do anything together. I know you're referring to Po and Illuan, but it's best to make your grammatical references consistent with that.
"The Red Star, my home for past one year, was on wish-list now."
I'm not familiar with this use of the idiom. Usually, an item on wish-list is out of reach temporarily, but not permanently. And it's strange to think that someone who chose piracy is likely to give their life for a ship and crew they've only known for a year - and invite a close friend to do the same. If, for example, the planet about to be bombarded were inhabited, the stakes would be entirely different.
Statements like this downplay the danger, contradicting previous sentences:
“No,” Zur almost screamed. “You won’t be able to return… the captain doesn’t approve of it.”
"If we don’t return, you are in command until captain decides otherwise. It was good to have you as a friend.”"
This last sentence also is missing the word "the" before the word captain. These are not serious flaws, or difficult to fix, but they are distracting.
Overall, this is a strong entry, but some editing of the plot and grammar would make it much stronger.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! Sorry for the tardy review and thanks for coming back with a story!
When Anna is a personal witness to a natural disaster of epic proportions, she is forced to turn to an old flame - one who years ago turned his back on the environmental causes she had given her life to.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
You include a well-developed plot with characters that have distinct motivations and interact believably based on those motivations. With many stories of rekindled romance, either it's difficult to credit that the lovers had good reasons to break up or else that those reasons might be resolved - you successfully managed both aspects. You were able to incorporate the contest plot element, "The Gathering Storm" in a creative way. Additionally, you incorporated multiple scientific elements into your story in a way that resolved both the main plot and the character subplot with an ironic twist. Well done!
What Might Be Improved
While I've never heard of such a thing, the idea that underwater volcanoes could affect storm generation is plausible, even if the particulars seem exaggerated. It did more than strain my sense of credibility that the described event could cause winds reaching the speed of sound - an underwater supervolcano could cover much of the earth in ash, destroy sea life over vast swaths of the ocean, cool the earth, and unleash Tsunamis that could destroy cities and bury island nations. But probably not generate earth-killing storms. The idea that an underwater nuclear explosion would solve even the problem with the storm rather than worsen it is even harder to swallow. On the other hand, movies have been made of less-probable scenarios. I mostly prefer harder science fiction, ala The Expanse, but that is a matter of taste.
Another complaint relating to taste is in response to the following: "Anna flew into his arms suddenly feeling very feminine and vulnerable and grateful to see him take charge." This seems a cliche unlikely to land well outside of certain subgenres, and so I would advise to show and not tell Anna's internal motivations.
Finally, while I enjoyed the story, I had intended for the winning entry for this month's contest to be with the best lead-in into a larger story - this entry is properly self-contained. I had also intended the "Gathering Storm" to be more metaphorical than literal, but every contestant went with the latter interpretation, and in hindsight, I cannot blame any of them.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Contest and an enjoyable read!
After a chase on foot, Lieutenant Campbell finds herself on a strange spaceship and in the line of fire - loving every minute of it.
What I liked:
Campbell was clearly on an adventure, and takes the reader along. The story has and conflict and physical action, but is mostly driven by the protagonist's discoveries and sense of wonder. This works - the reader definitely feels as if taken for a ride!
What Might be Improved
There are a few grammatical errors scattered throughout the piece. For example, there's one in the opening paragraph (these are always easier to notice): "And I’d covered a quarter of a mile in split of a second." Unfortunately, this sentence is not just incorrect, but confusing: how did that happen?
Additionally, while the story had a strong sense of discovery, there are some writing techniques that could increase the sense of tension. Theoretically, the climax should be in the section where Campbell and the Captain are holding off multiple spaceships with hand lasers, a generous gesture of unity and commitment to an alien the protagonist barely knows. Unfortunately, I didn't feel the sense of tension this section might have created. It wasn't clear who the enemies were, why they were fighting, or that there was a real likelihood Campbell might die or suffer permanent injury. This would have been a great section to emphasize, perhaps by playing up Campbell's fears, perhaps by emphasizing the stakes of the conflict, and perhaps by using the gritty details of the fight to anchor the reader's attention on its reality. Instead, it's easy to feel this is just one more surreal moment in Campbell's whirlwind day. You've got a nice structure here - flesh it out!
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! I apologize for the very late review, but it's good to see you back!
The galaxy traveling sleepers awaken too soon and awaken alone.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked
This is a solid concept in line with the plot: travelers heading for a distant star are forced to cut their trip short and face at best an uncertain future - if they survive the violence that appears to be coming their way.
What Might Be Improved
Most of the weaknesses of this story are stylistic. From the on-the-nose naming of the "Frozen In Time Tube" and "SpaceRocks" to the somewhat wooden narrative and dialogue, there is an opportunity to improve the storytelling. You can vary the word choice a bit, use more complicated sentences, or have the characters talk past each other and show more emotional range. However, the basic concept, conflict, and progression of the story are solid and the grammar is good - making this a pretty decent read in most respects.
Thanks for your entry yin the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! I enjoyed the story and it's nice to see your writing improve over time!
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