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51
51
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
In order to get a date with a girl, Jonas sneaks into a launch to the international space station - and happens to foil terrorists along the way.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This story reads cleanly and is well-edited, making it an easy and pleasant read. A lot of good ideas are ruined by poor execution, but your execution is solid. This story has a simple hook and is well-structured, with a clear progression toward a climax, with a payoff at the end that is perfectly appropriate to the story. Well done!

What Might Be Improved:
Unfortunately, I get the sense that Izzie's problem with Jonas isn't a matter of high standards or social pressure not to date him: her embarrassment at the end seems to indicate that she really doesn't like Jonas. This is a point with some ambiguity, but I think it needs to be clarified. If Izzie kind of likes Jonas but wants him to prove he's committed enough to take a chance on, I can see Jonas taking steps to prove himself - a reader is tempted in that case to root for the potential couple to get over the circumstances keeping them apart. On the other hand, if Izzie's challenge is simply a passive-aggressive way to tell Jonas to drop dead, then Jonas's determination takes on a far more negative aspect, with domination and revenge being potential motivations. Partially depending on he and Izzie's intentions, Jonas's willingness to break the law and his father's support for the prospect can be either comical and over-the-top - or else creepy and not a little insane. If you are going for creepy, a more negative tone and some use of perspective will help make explicit the element of horror. If you're going for a love story, you'll probably want to give Jonas some more hints that Izzie's challenge is part of a larger picture involving more mixed signals, to get rid of the creepiness.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and for an interesting read.
52
52
Review of Being Human  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Beth joins a trip to space in order to be near the aptly named Chad, only to discover that the alien Neutorian offers far better company and makes a far better friend.

What I liked:
It's always pleasant to read a fresh story that both adheres to the contest prompt and offers a strong plot, theme, and characters. It's also nice to see a bit of romance and humor thrown in: adding a new dimension to a story is usually a good way to strengthen it. The story's tone, theme, and language are consistent and further the plot. Well done!

What Might Be Improved:
This is a difficult story to critique: it seems as if Beth's reaction to Chad is slightly over the top, while both the redirection of her attention to Neutorian and Cornelia's behavior initially seem cliche. However, the fact that Neutorian is not human does add a new dimension to the obvious questions: is he just a friend (as almost all the story suggests) or does the oddly sensual last line of the story imply a more physical interest? This brings up the question of how Beth knows exactly how her friend prefers his tentacles massaged. Leaving aside the complexities of certain questions regarding interspecies relationships, the existence of a more complex history makes it unclear whether Platonic friendship is being compared to relationships of lust or whether Beth's betrayal of her friend is deeper than it initially appears. For various reasons, I wasn't quite sure what to do with this one.

Thanks for your Entry In the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! This one was well-written and fascinating - thanks for bringing it to the Contest!
53
53
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Marvin reflects helplessly on the ongoing terrorist attack as he works to escape it: the triggering of the enormous but long-dormant Martian volcano, Mons Olympus.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
You took on both the contest theme (explosions) and mimicked the theme of the story example without reusing it: while making use of the story prompt is unnecessary, it's nice to see. The story had a clear setup and progression, foreshadowing, and substantial stakes. Your technical world-building was strong in this entry: the reader can gain a clear sense of what's going on, how, why, and why catastrophic consequences are on the way. The story reads cleanly, and the reader has a reason to care.


What Might be Improved:
There are a few minor grammatical errors, such as a missed quotation mark and incorrect quotation of italicized text. However, the main weakness of the story is that it invests too much in technical setup and not enough in the protagonist's interaction with events. Worse, while the protagonist likely understands something of the "Martian Human Extinction Rebellion" and its motivations, the reader does not - it's unclear why the terrorists would do such a thing.


Summary:
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! The depth and complexity of the world-building and use of science give it the edge over this month's strong competition!
54
54
Review of Sky Explosions  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Nonic and his people pretend to let their "Sky Explosions creation buildings" be lost to the humans, only to set a trap for the following "Attack Ships."

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest:

What I liked:
This work sets up a powerful plot twist, reversing the sense of mystery built up throughout the story into just vengeance.

What Might Be Improved:
A little more variety in and complexity style would make this story stronger, especially regarding the use of simple capitalized words as technical terms. Additionally, while the plot twist is really good, a bit of a clue dropped earlier in the story would be even better: nothing is better in a mystery than discovering that you've missed a clue to a plot twist!

Thanks for you entryin the Science Ficiton Short Story Contest and welcome back!
55
55
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
The vengeful Mothim created a SpaceStorm to spite those who said it was impossible. Thankfully, Yangina and Janneal have devices to counteract it.

Thanks for your entry in the Science FictionShort Story Contest!

What I liked:
Thank you for an entry that makes the prompt into a central theme. This story has a clear conflict, real stakes, and a villain with clear motivations.

What Might Be Improved
There are improvements that might be made in word choice, grammar, and style. For example, I would advise against using repeated capitalized such as "SpaceStorm." While this might seem to allow simple English words to act as official scientific jargon, it's not a common convention and unfortunately is likely to take authority from your writing rather than strengthen it.

More importantly, a well-structured story should prepare its audience for the way it resolves its conflict using clues and foreshadowing. Ideally, the characters should progress through time, effort, and the careful unraveling of clues toward a solution that was hinted at over time - which the readers also have to work toward discovering in a process parallel to that of the characters in the story. In a short story, this is difficult to achieve - there is little time for twists and clues. Still, whatever budget of words the story has available should be used to establish them.

This story is resolved by two characters using weapons to drain the power from the threatening storm. When this occurs, it is a surprise in the sense that it is not set up. However, it is not novel, because as far as the reader knows, the solution was available to the characters all along - they did not have to work to progress toward that solution, creating a sense of the anticlimactic. Without a strong hook or a poignant and ironic juxtaposition of emotional elements, the rest of a story has little to hang itself upon. A stronger central hook would make this story immensely stronger - which is why so many writers concentrate so singularly on coming up with that plot hook!

Summary:
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! Coming up with a truly worthy story hook is difficult, often the hardest part of writing - but also the most vital. This one fell a little short, but keep at it!
56
56
Review of New Eden  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Adam plans to populate a colony with his and Evelyn's offspring - but Eve wouldn't have the murderer if he was the last man on the planet!

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This creepy, bible-inspired science fiction story makes a central element of this month's contest theme: lightning. You've obviously spent some time editing this one: this story is pretty clean, grammatically (at least clean enough to avoid drawing my attention to errors - I am not the most scrupulous editor). Evelyn is a sympathetic character, and the reader is led to thoroughly dislike Adam before his betrayal, foreshadowing the ending and setting up a clean and straightforward plot progression.


What Might be Improved
The only grammatical element that caught my attention was the use of vertical space: often but not always you placed dialogue elements within a new line, even when it was not correct to do so. Stylistically, your writing is adequate but could be more elegant. The dialogue, for example, is a tad on the nose; however, this is the kind of element one turns to when there are not more serious stylistic elements to address. The ending line is a mixed blessing - it's clever, and almost but does not quite exactly fit. The snake in the Garden of Eden persuades Eve to betray God - in this story, Evelyn is entirely innocent. One of the most difficult things to do in writing is to kill one's darlings - if a quip is lovely and clever but doesn't quite fit, drop it.

Summary:
This is a strong entry and one I enjoyed reading. This month, it was edged out by another story with slightly stronger writing - but remains a solid runner-up. Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
57
57
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
A scientist who asks not to be called mad is persuaded to solve the "agelessness" problem - one he originally created. The death of those whose aging has been suspended immediately follows.


Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This story makes use of the prompt, "mad science." It's a fully developed story, with a mostly internal conflict centering around Angra and others investigating missing persons, only to discover they are volunteers in a program to solve the "agelessness" problem. Thankfully, the grammar in this piece was solid, making it much easier to read than it otherwise might have been. I will say your writing is improving over time.

What might be improved:
The biggest issue I had with this story was that the "agelessness" problem wasn't well defined or described. What issues was eternal youth causing? It's implied that it was driving people mad, but it wasn't clear how or why. Without understanding the stakes clearly, it's difficult for a reader to get fully invested in the resolution of the problem. There wasn't much character development, nor did those characters encounter many challenges or plot twists. It takes a great deal of charm to overcome the lack of a strong plot hook, and there wasn't enough stylistic elegance to make up for the lack.

In Summary
This is a bit of a mixed piece, with good elements but some improvement in style and a stronger hook needed to really shine. Still, it's good to see your writing improve over time, and I'm looking forward to good things! Thanks for much for your entry!
58
58
Review of Help Wanted  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (4.0)
The hunchback-less entity henceforth known as Minion is hired on the spot and sent back in the past to serve an Evil Genius's younger self - and rescue his cat Fluffy.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This story takes the theme prompt, Mad Science, and runs with it, aping the godfather of the genre, Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (and modern parodies such as Despicable Me). As befits a parody, this story doesn't take itself too seriously. The tone is light and the plot easy to follow and identify with, while remaining slightly absurd. The grammar is solid, and the style is pleasant - which is always a pleasure to encounter.

What might be improved:
It's a matter of taste, of course, but I found the plot a little too silly. I suspended disbelief regarding the time-traveling bicycle, but nine time-traveling clones each sent to preserve one of Fluffy's nine lives was a bit more than I could swallow. The story's hook was the narrator's moment of realization that home was forever out of reach, but it was not a proper climax, as there was no proper conflict. That makes this work a vignette rather than a story with a proper plot. I do enjoy vignettes, but the contest bar for vignettes is higher than for stories with fully developed plots.

In Summary:
While I enjoyed this well-written vignette, I prefer to award the victory in the contest to stories with fully developed plots. Thanks for the fun read and for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
59
59
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The Sormanians, thought to be completely destroyed, have returned on wings to threaten the council. It will take all of Jordan and Cody's courage, and their special powers, to live long enough to tell the council what is coming.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked
The prompt was growth, and the Sormanians rapidly expanding their numbers and capabilities justifies the title of this short story - The Growing Threat. The plot is well-shaped. Over time, the nature and extent of the threat are slowly revealed, and we learn more about Cody and Jordan's abilities as they struggle to escape. In the end, the two characters live to tell the council about the return of the Sormanians and their increased abilities. But we know the story is not over, and I was left wanting to hear more.

What Might be Improved
This story has quite a few minor grammatical errors and slightly awkward phrases.

For example, "All of them. Whole of them.”
Perhaps this is simply an expression I haven't heard or an idiom common to a different dialect of English, but the last fragment did not seem to belong. Also, a few more hints about the community Cody and Jordan came from might help the reader feel connected to them. Was the council part of a Federation of Stars? What scale of threat did the Sormanians pose and to whom - a couple of planets or the whole galaxy? Knowing the stakes might help the reader feel even more connected to the story and the characters. What or who are the protagonists fighting for?

Summary
I enjoyed this story, and appreciate your bringing it my way. I wish I had informed you of the broken link before I had finished the judging, as this one was a good candidate for the prize. Thanks for your entry and hope to see you drop by again!
60
60
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (4.0)
Carole wanted nothing more than to spend her days and nights doing nothing but glorious eating. In this story of horror and indulgence, a wish and an alien entity made Carole's dream come true - after a fashion.

What I liked
In this story, you knew what you were about, and went after it without compromise. The language is concrete, focusing on the visceral nature of Carole's disgusting transformation - and it does so with an explicit attitude of approval, in dissonance with the horror of the transformation the protagonist undergoes. In the beginning, the audience is moved to sympathy with Carole's plight, but before long that sympathy has vanished, even if the tone of the narrator is still supportive.

What might be improved
The reviewer might be improved: this is not my kind of tale. I tend to like stories where I can identify with the protagonist and novels where I can root for the "good guy." This is not one of those stories.
There are a number of grammatical errors in this writing, and while grammatical errors are far easier to fix than characters and plotlines, they matter if you don't want to lose your audience. Attend to the missing commas, incomplete sentences, capitalization of headings, pluralization, subject-verb agreements and so on.

In Summary
I'm not a huge fan of visceral horror, but it seems like, within the niche, you've got a pretty good start. Give it another couple of editing passes, and I'm sure you'll find an audience for it. Thanks for sending it by, and I'm sorry for the long delay in reviewing it. Keep writing!
61
61
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Monich One, Two, Three, and Four suffer massive and unknown alien growth that threatens the Universe. Junna, attempting to destroy the growth, appears to somehow contribute to its spread everywhere.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This story follows the contest prompt and provides an image of an inexorable threat.

What might be improved:
Since it's not clear where the growth comes from or what other option Junna had, it's hard to fully enjoy the ending. Also the buildup is straightforward, and the reader is not left with the impression that the story could go any differently, with one exception: it's possible to imagine Junna's strike working. That part could go either way.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
62
62
Review of escape plan  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thanks for sending your story my way - I appreciate you thinking of my name when looking for reviews.

What I liked:
This story has a clear hook and plot progression. It explicitly draws inspiration from Cinderella as well as stories about noblewomen escaping from arranged marriages. While Zea is the protagonist of the story and her offscreen stepmother Helena is named the villain, in the text, it is Luna who really shines. It is she who at substantial personal risk frees her sister. With Helena sleeping, she is given the opportunity to show her love for her sister and her dislike for the women imprisoning her, represented by Aunt Surdia. The interaction among the three is the strongest part of the story: the reader can feel Luna's love, Surdia's spite, and Lea's gratitude. It's a straightforward story, but relatable and enjoyable.

What might be improved:
The plot has no real twists or surprises. It is mostly explained by the narrator in the second paragraph. Some back story is likely required, but the old adage applies here, "Show, don't tell." You would probably better off describing Zea, and then easing into her predicament through a description. Instead, you address the reader directly, asking how they would feel if imprisoned within the storeroom of a castle that ought to be home.

Additionally, I would be cautious of minor grammatical errors and awkward word choices. Attempts at flowery language often backfire, and this might be a good example:
"It is true that everyone, indeed, possesses a heart to be kind. However, it blossoms when one owns a conscience to question oneself."
Although I can guess what this means, it's not very clearly stated. One alternative, which might or might not capture your sentiment:
"It is true that everyone indeed possesses a heart capable of kindness. However, this kindness is easily choked by pride, or a failure to question whether a soul is doing what is right."

It's also not usually recommended for the narrator to address the reader directly: "How do you feel when you are forced to live in a store room in the castle, although you own the entire castle?— incredibly stupid, right?"
But if choose to, you might ask "How would you feel" rather than "How do you feel." Nor do I think such a circumstance would make the reader feel stupid. Instead, it would make them feel indignant or wronged.

There are a few other awkward phrases below, but most of those are grammatically correct. In writing a short story, extra care should be given to the opening and ending lines, as these can make or break or break the tone of the piece. Unfortunately, these are not your strongest. This is a common failing, and mostly a result of insufficient editing. Plan to rewrite your opening and ending, and you should be able to deliver a much stronger story.

Overall, I liked the story, but I think some work is required to help it meet its potential. Thanks for sending it my way, and good luck in your future writing!
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63
Review of Natural Immunity  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Captain Chodor and his crew chase the mystery of what happened to the ship that didn't return, the Farsight. They speculate about the mutiny of a team unwilling to return to find a too-welcoming world - but discover for themselves how deceptive such welcomes can be.


Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked
There's a lot in this short piece, and it took me a couple of read-throughs to fully grasp it. It's a well-formulated piece, with characters that matter, interesting dialogues, a progression of discovery, a hook, and a dark twist at the end. It makes good use of the prompt's theme while offering a tone reminiscent of classic sci-fi horror. It's a well-written piece, with crisp descriptions and clean writing - well done!


What might be improved
I did not like the tagline: "Nothing ever means to evolve a defense mechanism. But sometimes they just do." It's technically true, but it mixes the concepts of individual intentionality with the logic of evolution. We are to presume the trees evolved a rather predatory "symbiotic" relationship with the planet's fauna which just happens to provide a defense against intragalactic explorers.

Aside from this, the concept of mutiny in the introduction was a red herring, and it left me a bit confused until I read the piece through more than once. It takes most of the piece to set up enough background to make the mutiny hypothesis plausible, and yet it turns out the story isn't about that at all. I've heard fiction described as making a promise in its opening lines and then keeping that promise in the remaining paragraphs or chapters - alternatively, asking a question and then answering it. While it's clever to open with the crew's incorrect presumptions, it's probably going to throw more readers than you expect. Figuring out what's going on feels a bit like solving a puzzle, but also a bit like having an inside joke explained - probably not as satisfying as if you'd taken a bit more of a direct approach to the mystery and introduced the mutiny hypothesis midway in.

In Summary
This is a good story, and quite well-written, if a bit overly clever at points. Thank you for your entry and Congratulations on winning this March's Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
64
64
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Sorrina and Morgrem look back 100 years into the history of the Ghom-Homi conflict to discover a way to secure peace: the lost Space Lasers.

Thanks for your entry in the Better-Than-Real Sci-Fi Contest!

What I liked
This story had a solid plot, one which cleverly interprets the contest prompt. It even made sense of the term "Space Lasers," which otherwise might seem awkward - the intent of the prompt was to encourage both lasers and space to be used within a story, not necessarily the contrived term "space lasers." However, this story managed to make the term useful, and do so in a way important to the central conflict. I enjoyed learning about the world where the Ghom and Homi live and would have enjoyed hearing more about it.


What might be improved:
The biggest weakness of the piece is stylistic: much of the writing uses simple language repetitively or relies on "on the nose" dialogue. I also see some imprecise descriptions. Starting with the opening paragraph:

"Sorrina stops climbing the ladder that leads up to the
square opening at the top of it. She looks through that
opening up at the sky above them as two missiles hit and
destroy each other. When they do that it sends pieces of
them coming down toward Sorrina.
Most of those pieces don’t come through that opening. But some do."

There is nothing wrong with the grammar here. However, most readers would prefer a more precise picture. For example, I might have written instead:

"Sorrina stops at the top of the ladder, peering through the square hatch on the surface of the ravaged planet and toward the sky. Directly above, two missiles collide and destroy each other, raining debris toward her, and she ducks instinctively. Most of those pieces fall harmlessly to the surface around her, but she can hear the whistle and feel the wind as the chunks of metal fly through the opening and pass by the ladder below."

The first example is easier to write and easier for a young reader to read, but I think the second is stronger. My own style can come across to some as too complex and formal, so you should take my advice with a grain of salt. I've also seen some improvement in your writing through successive contests, but I would still encourage you to pay close attention to your writing style, especially your word choice.

In Sum
This was a worthy story, but there is still room for improvement in your storytelling. But if you're willing, I'd be glad to read more of your efforts in the future. Thanks so much for your entry!
65
65
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (4.0)
Brad Field, whose ingenuity and perseverance turned Australia into a Green Superpower, is eulogized by his son at his funeral.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!


What I liked
The concept and setting are fully in keeping with the contest prompt, delivering a bright vision of Australia's future, with enough details to paint the picture and make it plausible. Especially for those with an attachment to Australia, the vision makes a hopeful and compelling vignette, told in part through the eyes of a hydro-engineer and his wife as they enjoy the ceremony.

What might be improved
It is not required for a writing entry to have a fully developed plot, but these are usually preferred to vignettes. The use of Jack and Deb as viewpoint characters is a good one, though their function in the scene is limited: they are excited to experience the event, proud and joyful as Brad's son speaks, and mournful at the loss of the man who made Australia's transformation possible. There's perhaps some additional opportunity to make the experience more personal, perhaps by recalling Jack's part in the work, or else his memory of the time before it. Emphasizing the challenges Brad faced a little more, or the comparison with other countries might have put Brad's accomplishments a bit more into relief, made them seem a bit more real and important.

Overall, however, this is a solid vignette, delivered at about the right level of detail. Aside from more of a plot, this was exactly what the prompt called for.


Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! And Congratulations on winning the Contest for January!
66
66
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Commanders Vultim and Navia are temporarily prevented from collecting solar energy by the innocent being flying in their way, but then decide to teleport the energy in containers, and are able to continue on their flight.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked
Unlike many entries, this is a story with a plot: an inciting event, a conflict, a climax, and a resolution. It uses the interaction between three characters to convey information and emotion. It even has a twist at the end, where the commanders who had been so careful to avoid the loss of innocent life around one sun are revealed to be on a genocidal mission to remove non-human sentient beings from the universe!

What might be improved
The writing style is a bit simple and the dialogue on the nose - characters often use simple language to describe events the others might be expected to see and know, for the benefit of the reader. Where descriptions are used, the language is vague.

For example:
"A few seconds later ten very long flat metal things slowly start lifting
themselves into an upward position toward the end of this
huge oblong spaceship. Between those things, something that
looks like a thin cloth appears to connect them."

I might suggest using more precise language to describe the scene, such as:
"A few seconds later ten thin dark metal bars lift themselves upward from the huge oblong spaceship until they are perpendicular to the ship. What appears to be a thin cloth connects them, forming a webbing between them."

Constructive stylistic criticisms are difficult to give, and it's not to write plausible dialogue or gripping descriptions, but an attractive writing style is a large part of what hold's a reader's attention: some extra practice in this area might be useful. Additionally, while this story has a clear plot and progression, its primary conflict is resolved by using a technology the ship already has onboard specifically to solve the kind of problem you describe. Since the power of the plot comes from the stakes of failure, its impact on the characters, the unlikeliness of success, and the skill and sacrifice of the characters in resolving the problem, the plot is not as compelling as it might be.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest. Your effort helps make the contest possible!
67
67
Review of Visitors  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A librarian is imprisoned for speaking with the crystal emissaries of an alien race. His king meets his comeuppance when the neighboring empire is wise enough to learn from the aliens and to receive their technology. But we learn they have done so out of opportunism, not peaceful coexistence - they turn on the alien's emissaries as soon as they learn how to do so, and hide their treachery from the public.


Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked
This is a fully developed story, with five distinct actors (Bagar, the King, the Chief Librarian, the eastern Emperor, and the Aliens), each with their own goals and perspectives. While each is unidimensional, together they provide the tensions that move the plot toward dual conflicts: the resolution of Bagar's situation and the resolution of the relationship among the nations. The treachery of the Eastern Empire provides an ambiguity that keeps this from being a simple morality tale - there are no good guys with enough agency to matter, just a messy situation to disentangle and a twist at the end.

What might be improved{\b}
Unfortunately, the protagonist has no capability to influence the meta-story, which means that his(?) personal conflict over what to do about the aliens and the meta-conflict between the empires and the aliens don't coincide. Additionally, it's not clear whether Bagar's decision is informed by the knowledge that he's probably going to be sent to prison for telling the truth. You might want the reader to root for Bagar, but it's hard to do when everything that happens to him is described as inevitable and ultimately fruitless. The only thing he is able to accomplish, in the end, is to provide the truth, a warning to those who might follow about the consequences of deciding who to trust.

At the meta-level, the conflict between the nations is described matter-of-factly as if part of the denouement, so there's not much narrative tension there. Consider carefully the emotional impact you want the events to have on the reader and make sure to drum up the tension to achieve it. It's usual to tell a story from the position of a character capable of affecting the outcome, focusing the narrative tension around the decision that cements the outcome, and setting up the stakes of the decision beforehand rather than after.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and congratulations on being this month's winner!
68
68
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
The advent of seeming Utopia coincides with the rise of a competition reminiscent of The Hunger Games, enabled by a culture of people physically separated but obsessed with social media.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! I apologize for the late review, but somehow I missed your entry originally. If you don't see it listed on the page in the table of entries, please add a comment on the forum!

What I liked:
This story contains a clear theme based on the contest prompt: social media. Upon that theme, a painting of the future is made where human beings are almost always physically distanced from one another. Despite apparent happiness and prosperity in society, the narrator declares death preferable.

What might be improved:

There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases that could use some attention. It doesn't take many errors to distract the reader, but the errors I see aren't too hard to fix. A few examples:


" Everyone has electronics and everyone can work from home, take care of business in their PJs"
might better be expressed as:
Everyone has electronics. They can work from home and take care of business and their PJs.

"except possibly me and few others who knew the truth"
Should be:
"except possibly me and a few others who knew the truth"

"After the net game that winner is never seen again."
Presumably, you mean:
"After the next game that winner is never seen again."

Aside from grammatical errors, I would like to see a few more traditional story elements, such as more and better-developed characters, a central conflict related to choices made by those characters during the course of the text, and so on.

Additionally, I'd point out that unlike in the Hunger Games or The Running Man, the origin of the events that disturb the narrator isn't explained. It's not clear where they come from or why people think they're necessary. Adding that would make the premise a lot stronger.


Thanks For Your Entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
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69
Review of UNIQUELY FOOD  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (3.0)
One of the scattered remnants of humanity manages a hardscrabble existence in a post-apocalyptic world.


Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! I apologize for the long delay in writing this review, but here goes.

What I liked:
The world-building is evocative. Stand post-apoclyptic concepts are used: the loss of communication, the loss of technology, the use of scavenging pre-calamity material and technology, the disintegration of society into myriad warring factions, and the destruction of the natural environment's ability to nurture life. And, of course, you put October's prompt, "fungus", to good use: making it a valuable but dangerous food for the group of survivors. You draw from the emotional heart of post-apocalyptic fiction, evoking a sense of an enormous loss in the recent past as well as a faint but growing sense of hope in the future.


What could be improved:
Some hard science fiction and futurism are concerned with exploration and thought experiments, working out with reason and intuition serious ideas that science has not yet ready to explore. But most speculative fiction connects an audience to less novel ideas, but in a far more visceral way. For these kinds, most of the usual rules about what makes good fiction apply. For the most part, it is a good idea where space allows to develop complete plots, as experienced by poignantly rendered individual characters who make choices that matter. In this case, there are no individuals, just a nebulous and unidentified "we" that interact minimally with the setting, just enough to provide an introduction to the story. I think I might like to hear the story that this provides an introduction to: it's that story that this contest is looking for.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! I apologize for the delay in reviewing, but the long hours I'm working are currently scrambling my brain, and I didn't want to write a review until I could bring my full attention to it.
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Review of New World Harvest  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Colin hoped his explorations of the new planet would make him a household name. Unfortunately, his work with the natives brought him to the dinner table in a much less fortunate way.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest: Harvest Edition!


What I liked:
I was pleased to see this story made good use of the prompt, not only in the final twist but as part of the theme from about the midpoint in the story, where Colin begins to interact with the natives. I also like the story's approach to characterization, providing some interesting information upfront about Colin, but mostly building him by sharing tidbits throughout the piece. While the subject of humans as fodder for aliens wasn't entirely novel, this story's treatment of the topic was fresh - well done!

What might be improved:
Unfortunately, there are a few grammatical errors and a larger number of awkward phrases. For example:


'"What's the atmosphere?"

It instantaneously checked instruments from the earlier probes. “Interesting. It’s close to inhabitable.”

“By what?”

“A large list of species, but the air quality seems very random and it’s moving.”'

The transition in the second sentence is awkward because spaces may be referred to as habitable or inhabitable, while air is typically referred to as breathable or unbreathable. "Close to inhabitable" in context would be analogous to "close to unbreathable", but you don't quite seem to mean that because "close to uninhabitable by a large list of species" would technically mean "habitable to a large list of species, but barely", which aside from being a very strange usage of language isn't particularly well-supported later in the piece. I don't really know what to make of "the air quality seems very random and it's moving" - are there clouds of toxins in an otherwise breathable atmosphere? If the planet is rotating, would not the air be expected to move? There are a number of distracting phrases of this nature, phrases that are unclear in meaning or almost but not quite fit the conversation. While an editor can fix these, it's imperative for a good writer to get a sense of them, and the best way to do so is to spend as much time as possible reading in the language, genre, and market where one is trying to write.

I also had mixed feelings about Colin's encounter with another human in this strange environment. On the one hand, it helps explain the decision to eat Colin, but it creates other problems such as why the difficulties with language appeared when Colin has time to "be with other women", how an alien species could afford to keep "cattle" that were relatively small and took so very long to raise, why no human had heard of this alien species, and so on. This is not a large issue, but it did get stuck in my head!

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! While there are some stylistic issues in the writing, I enjoyed the characters and the plot, and look forward to your next entry! Keep reading, and keep writing!
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Review by BlackAdder
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Aliens made of heat but protecting fragile humans are forced to steal a star, nearly causing a conflict, but since they have replaced it, all is well.


Thanks for your Entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This is a creative premise: I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like it, and I have read a bit. This story is not only original but fits well with the contest prompt, which is always good to see. The story is well structured, with an inciting event, a conflict, and a resolution with a twist that was foreshadowed: despite the miscommunication, there is no need for a fight, after all. The story is anchored with included details and includes multiple characters in different roles, fulfilling most of the structural requirements of a compelling plot.


What might be improved:
The story reads a bit awkwardly. It is difficult to share a compelling narrative using the present tense - I have seen very few manage it, and I would strongly recommend against it. There are also a few grammatical errors related to plurality and tense, and the repeated use of the word sun where others like "star" might offer variety.

I also had some difficulty placing the characters. As far as I can tell, there is nothing to separate any of the major characters from each other except their names and their roles in the ship's crew - and the roles themselves are not multidimensional. Power Controller Mennon is responsible for shrinking and replacing the suns - there is not enough to make the other characters memorable. I would advise using character descriptions, color in dialogue, varieties in roles, and so on to make each character feel distinct, and not to include more characters in a story than you can make memorable.

Unfortunately, while the premise was original, I did not find it entirely plausible. Why would beings with the ability to manufacture stars from almost nothing need to steal them from others? Why would they not communicate this when threatened? Why would beings that can themselves teleport stars to threaten the ship not have the technology to replace their own sun, if such technology existed? Perhaps because of these questions, I had to read your story twice to be sure I really understood it, despite the straightforward language.

While there are praiseworthy elements of the story, it would need some work to become compelling, even within its basic elements.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

Despite its flaws, I appreciate your submission. Keep writing! I learn something with every short story I write, and I look forward to great things!
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Review of Sunburnt  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (4.0)
When the crew and crops of the Daedalus start suffering radiation poising, the ship finds itself unexpectedly without a qualified crew member to resolve the situation - except for one young boy.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!


What I liked:
You made good use of the prompt to build up and resolve a clear conflict: a sudden gap in technical expertise that can only be filled by an unlikely source. I enjoyed the dialog and pacing, as well as the nostalgic air to most it, as well as the twist at the end regarding Eric's lack of exposure to fun.


What might be improved:
While the story is generally solid, the unlikely whiz kid is a tad cliche. Also, the casual reactions to skin cancer and cataracts were a bit alarming, even accounting for futuristic medical technology. But mostly I have to admit that my professional pride as a programmer and a computer engineer was a bit bruised at the notion that on a large ship they only brought along one programmer, who could be replaced by one ten-year-old kid! :) But aside from that personal note and wanting to see a little more professionalism out of a space crew, I enjoyed the story.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! Good to see your hat in the ring!
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Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (3.0)
OHO, the great bulbous prophet, evokes the adoration of millions and the scorn of millions more. But it is only after his death that his words are shown to be true, spoken by an ancient robot with secret knowledge of other worlds - and his image is redeemed as he returns to earth with a great golden city to rule in prosperity.


What I liked:
The tone and energy made this a pleasure to read, as did the physical description of the prophet and the irony and foreshadowing surrounding the redemption and return of OHO, oddly contrasted against the mercantile sales pitches for Rigel. Despite some influences from different religions and science fiction writing, the mix struck me as truly original, which is always a nice surprise.

What might be improved:
The different sections of the piece: the religious treatment of the prophet, the forced capitalist cheer of the evacuation, the scientific nature of OHO's knowledge, the occasional perspectives of June and George, the apocalyptic response to some members of earth leaving, and the messianic return of the dead robot are all a bit disjointed from one another. Some of my favorite storytellers talk of writing as making a promise and then keeping it: much of what was otherwise quite interesting didn't seem to fit with the rest. It is somewhat a matter of taste whether a story ought to be tight and organized or novel and rambling - but I tend to lean a bit toward the former. In my opinion, a first draft should be energetic and ambitious - the final product clean and solid. This mix of concepts was clever and colorful, but it could do with a bit more editing and organizing to offer only one or two perspectives on your main concept, with only hints of the rest.

Thanks for your Entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! I look forward to another chance to enjoy your creativity!
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Review of SPAQUAR  
Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (3.0)
George and Mary sign up for a cruise and gourmet food - not knowing that they are scheduled to be the entertainment.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
This is a clever interpretation of the "we make great pets" edition of the contest. The aliens grant what they promise: there's a "Monkey's Paw" aspect to it, but they do feed the humans exquisite gourmet food. This subtle form of irony, with the twist at the end of the two couples actually being grateful for being placed in a zoo, form a promising plot concept.

What might be improved:
Many writers recommend avoiding flashbacks because they are hard to make pay off. Each time the reader has to do the work of reconstructing a new timeline and frame of reference, it poses an annoyance and a distraction. In order to be worth it, head-hopping or time-jumping has to allow the audience to better sense and feel the tension rising and the story coming together without adding too much overhead for the reader. Unfortunately, it's often difficult for readers to fully wrap their heads around the setting, character, theme, and inciting plot event before 2000 words have passed - even when the story is straightforward.

The story is relatively low-conflict, but the important events are the couple being deceived and captured, the aliens deciding that angry aliens are unacceptable zoo guests, the aliens ironically keeping their promise and solving the anger problem by sedating their guests with amazing food, the guests deciding the food is worth being captured, the aliens deciding lethargic humans are no fun, and the humans returning back home to look fondly on the whole thing - that makes the pivotal conflict the anger problem. But there was no build-up of tension around that conflict - we need escalating reactions from the characters, and with all the framing there was no time to set that up.

I've heard a story described as "making a promise and then keeping it" - I might advise taking the reader through the guests' surprise and betrayal, build it up to the point where it becomes plausible rather than mildly humorous that the aliens would find angry captives problematic - maybe by having George crack the glass. Then the reader might need more supporting reasons to understand why lethargic zoo humans are unprofitable, but angry ones still worse. I'd also advise ending the story a bit sooner after its climax. This plot could also work as a purely funny story, but my sense is that it would be harder to write and would require a lot more work on the tone and details of the piece.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

This was a clever concept, but a challenging concept to deliver well. Though there's room for improvement, you sent it out in a way that I enjoyed reading. Your entry is appreciated, and I hope to see more in the future!
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Review by BlackAdder
Rated: E | (3.0)
Friends for life, George 1 and George 2 plan throughout their lives to be alone together and free someday.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!

What I liked:
You made good use of the prompt to consider a far future where mechanical men long for both freedom and community, but never quite achieve both at once. The perpetual indecision of George 2 is sad, but it is relatable and provides the central hook for the story.

What might be improved:
While it is not necessary for all or even most statements in dialogue to have beats before or between them, the quotations in this piece stand stark and naked, giving the impression of disembodied voices. This is not entirely out of place for robots, but those robots are not only the central characters but the only characters in the story. It's mostly our sympathy with them that drives the story, and we need a bit of help to feel attached to them - especially when the indecision of one of the pair drives the central conflict.

The writing itself is a bit choppy, especially in the dialogue. The sentences are short, with few clauses, few joining words, and with little description to anchor the characters in a setting. Try using a bit more description, perhaps giving the characters more unique names, and give us a sense of why the robots want to leave, what their lives are like - what the stakes are. While I enjoy the potential of the concepts you invoke, there's definitely an opportunity to bring this piece more to life.

Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and for bringing some life to a time of Social Distancing!
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