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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/blackwell
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21 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The Darkest Night  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
***This review is not intended to be bring offense, and is only meant to provide solid means of improvement and encouragement to you as a writer.

*Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5*

*NoteB* Personal Thoughts:
I can tell that you are a novice writer and are still learning your way around short stories, descriptions, characters, and the millions of other little things that come into play when it comes to literature. It can be messy and confusing and the last thing I want to do with this review is shred any hope or aspiration you have as a writer. I see you have the potential of developing your craft and offer much more complex and interesting stories.

My personal view on this short story is that it is no short story. It's a flash scene that leaves me wondering what the heck is going on. It leaves too many questions for the reader to ask, and you- the author- are obligated to answer those questions.

*NoteB* Plot:
My personal view on this short story is that it is no short story. It's a flash scene that leaves me wondering what the heck is going on. It leaves too many questions for the reader to ask, and you- the author- are obligated to answer those questions.

I can see the fact that the boyfriend intended to ask Amber to marry him. But you flash over to him freaking out at a nurse and Amber's mother and boom Amber's dead. No explanation as to what happened, how she ended up this way, nada. You need to tie the two scenes together with more answers. The best way to do this is to imagine yourself as the reader. What would you want to know? What information do you need to connect with the story and to find it interesting enough to read all the way through?

*NoteB* Structure:
This short story was poorly structured both grammatically and due to making it a "long-story-short" effect. Don't be afraid to dive into it and explore the characters and the experiences. Express those experiences to the reader so that they too can make the connections.

*NoteB* Characters:
Your lack of description and going more in-depth into their relationship as a couple made it impossible for me to feel any kind of connection to the characters. I felt no empathy or heartache for either character going through such a tragic experience, and the reason I felt nothing is because you failed to build those dimensions into the story. But that is quite all right because you have got the bones of the story down, and now you can start to add the meat, so to speak.

*NoteB* Narration:
As you will see below in my category of Grammar and Technicalities, I have pointed a number of errors in how you write your dialogue between the characters. As this story is mostly based on character dialogue, it is important for you to do it properly and to build enough detail and connections through the dialogue.

*NoteB* Originality:
I can't really say whether it's an original concept or not because it is just too short for me to know. Right now, from what I read, this is what I would read in a quick flip through a book while shopping for a novel. It does not offer much to grab my interest.

*NoteB* Grammar/Technicalities:

"Well spit it out sweetheart." Smiling at him after she spoke.

Smiling at him after she spoke is an incomplete sentence. She smiled at him after she spoke, would be the correct way to write it. However, you also have the option of phrasing it this way, which personally I feel provides a better flow:

"Well spit it out, sweetheart," she said as she smiled at him.

The reason for this is because everyone understands that when a sentence is in quotations, it suggests that it is dialogue amongst the characters. To say she spoke, or he asked, after having put a question mark or a statement in quotations is redundant and grammatically in correct.

Also, even when you are using pet names such as "sweetheart," or if you are even saying the man's name "John," you always put a comma at the end of your sentence, just prior to the person's name or term of endearment as one might say. *Smile*

*Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5*


"No, it's okay I can wait till tomorrow to ask you." He said with a smile.


Here is another example of what I am talking about. He said with a smile. That is still an incomplete sentence. It doesn't relay to what he said or why he was saying it with a smile. The best way to format it is like this:

"No. It's okay. I can wait 'till tomorrow to ask you," he said with a smile.

Do you see a difference in the way I phrased it? When a character says "no" or "it's okay," those are statements that should end with periods. It's all right to have more than one period in use when you are having your characters speak. Unless you intend to use the proper word "until," the correct way to write it would be with a apostrophe or ' (i.e., 'till tomorrow).

*Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5*



"Where is Amber!" he yelled
"Sir calm down please and are you related to her?" she asked
"No I'm not." he answered


Why are the periods? When a sentence comes to an end, a period or some form of punctuation is required to tell us that the sentence has come to an end. A comma after "Sir," a comma after "No," and most importantly you do not use an exclamation mark if you are telling the reader that he's yelling a question that pertains to where Amber is. So it could be seen as:

"Where is Amber?"

or

"Where is Amber," he yelled.


Both formats are correct and over all run off the tongue a little more smoothly, don't you think?

*Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5*


He followed her to the room that she was in and he stopped at the door way stunned. Looking at the bed, he saw the girl of his dreams laying lifelessly on the bed. Amber's mom pulled him closer and told him that she was only expected to live a few more hours.


When you use the term "laying lifelessly," you are implying that Amber is already dead. I would suggest changing that word as in the following sentence you declare she is not dead... yet.

***Side note
Take the few errors I pointed out, and scan over your story again for similar errors in punctuation, grammar, and dialogue development. The best way to learn from one's mistakes or misinformation is by being able to correct them on their own.

Please keep me informed on any changes and updates you make to your story as I truly do believe that you have the ability to make it more than what it currently is. I am truly sorry if my feedback has offended you in anyway, and I hope that you are able to take it constructively and use it to your benefit. Once I have seen updates on your story, I will be sure to change my rating and provide more feedback. *Smile*

*Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5* ~ *Vignette5*

I hope my feedback helps you on your road to success.
- Blackwell
2
2
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found that very entertaining!
3
3
Review of The Deliverer  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is much better! It is easier on the eyes and has a great flow. As always, there is still room for improvement, but it is 100% better than where it was at the last time I read it. I hope my feedback helped and keep writing. *Smile*
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