This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A powerful poem about a disturbing subject. I thought you handled it well.
What I liked most Where the blameless have been laid
To rest, by an aimless bullet,
Very poetic. Of course, as you know, I am a sucker for internal rhyming.
My general suggestions
None. I like the format and rhymes and flow. Good job!
Technical issues In the violence of the age. -> Possibly you could use "our age" instead, as this comes off as slightly repetitious.
inncessantly -> Should be "incessantly".
Conclusion
Good poem! Welcome to Writing.com, and congraulations on your first piece posted.
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A very sweet little poem. I enjoyed it very much.
What I liked most
I am getting closer to the age where I could be a grandparent (with a 21 year old daughter), and I just appreciated the sentiment of the poem. It also flowed very nicely, and I liked the gentle rhyming.
My general suggestions
None. Just fine the way it is.
Technical issues
I didn't see any technical issues with tense, spelling or grammar. Good job!
Conclusion
I was so glad to find your poem on the Review Request page. I'll be sure to look for more of your work in the future. Write on, and congratulations!
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A fascinating and unique story. I enjoyed it very much.
What I liked most
My favorite parts were about Backward Wilbur. Very clever, indeed. I also like the way you keep switching direction, so assumptions fly out the window.
My general suggestions
I have none in particular.
Technical issues
I did not see any technical issues. Good work.
Conclusion
I am very glad to have seen your story on the Review Request page. It was a real treat.
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
Have you written any more of this? It is gripping, and I want to read more.
What I liked most
Suggestions but she showed no sign of slowing down. -> This feels oddly impersonal or out of the point of view. Who is watching to say that ? It would be better in her point of view as something like "but she knew she couldn't slow down."
coursed from her throat -> Purely subjective, but I think "coursed through her" would be better.
Technical issues
None. Well written.
Conclusion
An enjoyable prologue that makes me want to read me - fully meeting the goals of a prologue. Good job.
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I enjoyed your writing, and the way you describe your "calming down" place.
What I liked most
I liked the imagery you used, but my absolute favorite, which I would love to steal (imitation being the sincerest form of flattery, right?), is "irritated a little more, like an intermittent sniff in a silent library".
My general suggestions
None in particular. It works well as is.
Technical issues in my face did unclench a little -> Should be "unclenched".
while my inners -> It is possible that this is a cultural difference, but I've never seen this usage. I would change this to "insides" or perhaps "innards".
relax. The yoga effect -> This is purely a judgement call, so take it for what it's worth, but I'd use "relax - the yoga effect".
At some point I became aware -> Add a comma after "point".
Conclusion
I really like the way you write. You have an easy flow to your wording, with phrases such as "the bridge, home and him". I'll be sure to look into your other work. Thanks for sharing.
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
An interesting and unique viewpoint made this a fun poem to read.
What I liked most Hire the hounds and the scoundrels
For the hints and the secret-way-in's
My general suggestions
The second stanza could use a little more to balance out the first, not because they have to be the same length, but because it feels a bit abrupt in transition. I was also a bit confused by the line "The wonder and your stars cease to impress ", which I didn't quite understand, but which came at a critical point to understand.
Technical issues
I didn't see any. God job.
Conclusion
I'm really glad you posted this on the Review Request page. It is such an interesting twist. Thanks for sharing!
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
It is an interesting poem. I seemed to lose the thread a couple of times, but perhaps it was just me.
What I liked most That young ladies hug and fuss over-
As if I were their grandpa and
Couldnt get excited... but I do.
My general suggestions
The stanza beginning "I want to be that old man, ... Who is missed by all," just seems to need some work. It isn't quite clear what the thought process is, to me at least.
Technical issues Couldnt get excited -> Should be "Couldn't".
I didn't see any other punctuation or grammatical issues.
Conclusion
There are things I like in the poem, but it doesn't quite speak to me. I like how it starts, and where it seems to be going, but the verse I mention above loses me. Still, there is enough here that it seems well worth the effort.
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
Your poem is both passionate and intense. It is most definitely not a sonnet, but given that it doesn't need to be a sonnet for the contest, I'd just make it a poem in abab rhyme scheme, with a closing couplet. Almost the same as a sonnet, but without the special requirements.
Just to clarify, when I say it is not a sonnet, there are two reasons. The first is that the meter is not iambic pentameter. Iambic pentameter goes:
da DUM da DUM da DUm da DUM da DUM
which is referred to as five metric feet (each da DUM) in iambic, which refers to the second sound being accented. Your poem does not consistently have ten syllables, and it certainly doesn't have the accent on the right syllables. I must repeat, this does not matter unless you call the poem a sonnet. Just call it a poem and leave out the name.
The second reason, just for the sake of explanation, is that a sonnet needs to have separate verses, and particularly a closing couplet that stands alone. Your poem runs from verse to verse inside a sentence, which can work, but not in a sonnet.
What I liked most Razorblades cut deep ... into my mind's eye. -> Gruesome, but very effective.
Scarlet screams rips ... ribs -> Similarly awful, but good.
My general suggestions
Just as I say above, remove the term sonnet from the description so you don't have to worry about the stringent requirements.
Technical issues
None. It seems just fine, aside from the sonnet issue.
Conclusion
You have a knack for writing disturbing, gruesome prose. Good luck with the contest, and write on!
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
Wow! That was a great deal of fun to read. I don't know exactly whether it was supposed to be fun, but it certainly was.
What I liked most
It is hard to pick from it all, but I've gotta go with "Minions of Satan, wretchedly feign the farce". The last three lines are really good too, but I'll let others come and read for themselves.
My general suggestions
None. It works for what it is.
Technical issues
You have a few technical issues, but not many.
Powers reins ensnared -> Should add apostrophe to make it "Power's".
Greed let's you -> Depending on what you mean, this should either be "Greed lets you" or "Greed, let you".
wisdom cans't be seen -> Should be "can't".
Conclusion
A grim vision, that is certain. Write on!
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
Your story is innovative and unique, and I enjoyed reading it very much. Unfortunately, it is marred somewhat by a number of spelling mistakes, which should be cleaned up so that others can enjoy your work as much as it deserves.
What I liked most
I liked the way the revelation about what was happening to the main character unfolded. I also liked the reactions to his predicament, which were very authentic.
My general suggestions
Mostly, just some careful editing. The story is laid out well.
Technical issues
There are some punctuation issues, but I have concentrated on spelling, as those are the most distracting.
over power -> Should be "overpower".
The institute was excepting of him -> Should be "accepting".
he gated a slow pace -> I'm not sure what this is meant to be.
The boy could not be disswayed. -> I think you mean "dissuaded", but I am not certain.
He complemented the meal -> Should be "complimented".
Conclusion
You have written a very good story, and with some editing and careful tightening, I think it could be a real gem. Write on!
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
Wow! A very beautiful and sad story.
What I liked most
I liked the way she handled his revelation, which must have been hard to hear.
My general suggestions
I don't really have any.
Technical issues
I didn't see any spelling or grammar issues. Good job.
Conclusion
I discovered this story as a reviewer item, and while I can see that you have not modified it in a while, I am certainly glad I did find it. The characters are very real, and the pathos is intense. Thank you for sharing this.
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I enjoyed your poem. It expressed a wonderful sentiment in a charming way without getting maudlin.
What I liked most
What if we could redo everything
Try all over again.
Erase all the past mistakes
With a scrubber and
Start all over again on a clean slate
I liked the imagery and the way this flowed.
My general suggestions
The end of the first stanza, Another plateau of ... Beauty and joy. seemed out of synch with the rest of the stanza and the early tone. The tone before and after that are much more abstract, saying basically "what if we could have another chance", and those two lines seem to jump into an answer. While the vision may be good, it just interrupts the poem somehow.
Technical issues I'd single-handedly created. -> This should probably be "I've", since it is conditional rather than just past tense.
Conclusion
A very pleasing read, well thought out images, and a nice sentiment. Good job!
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
You really do love this grim stuff, don't you? A well written poem, albeit gruesome.
What I liked most
I just can't decide whether to shiver or laugh at "I feel maggots kiss me tenderly. Their cool lust touches my flesh.", but I like the imagery.
My general suggestions
I have no suggestions. It is what it is, and quite eloquent at that.
Technical issues
I see no technical problems with this, although I am not sure whether there is a specific format, so I didn't check for that. Good job!
Conclusion
You certainly know how to evoke the creepy crawlies. I'm not sure I'd like to meet you in a dark alley, but I enjoy reading your slightly warped sense of horror. Write on!
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I was very intrigued by your story. It was well developed, and held my attention to the end. I wanted to know more about these people.
What I liked most
The symbolism of the cards was good. I also liked the description of the doctor's office.
My general suggestions
You switched the crush's name from Tracy in the first half to Stacy in the second half. That should be fixed.
I was a little surprised by his connection with Dr. Moore. I think I get the implication, but am not sure.
I thought we could have found out a bit more about Michael. His character is not as well developed as it might have been.
Technical issues
I didn't see any issues, although I did not do a very close review. Spelling errors tend to jump out at me, and I didn't see any. Punctuation errors tend to take more careful review, which I did not do.
Conclusion
I thought your story was well written and compelling. There were parts that dragged a little, but mostly I found it quite good. Good work!
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
An interesting poem, although it seems incorrectly described by the description. There is every intimation that this may not be so brief a romance.
What I liked most She appraises me for a long time
And an interest begins to form in her face and
Her body language.
With the perfect and natural hint of romance,
I like the way you describe the interest growing.
My general suggestions
It may or may not be intentional, but there is something a bit clinical about parts of the poem that seems out of tune with the subject. You refer to "A night of intimate passion", but slightly later on you say "I discuss sexual intimacy further", which seems quite out of step with the heat of the moment. You might discuss retiring back to your place or hopping in the back see or even invite the young lady to come up and see your etchings, but if you were to "discuss sexual intimacy further", it seems guaranteed to forestall any possibility of it actually happening.
Similarly, earlier in the poem, you have "A long, forty-minute wait is compounded by sexual inclinations
And a growing desire for her gorgeous figure and delicate aroma.", and the two lines seem almost completely removed from each other. The first part sounds too clinical while the second part sounds realistic and passionate.
Technical issues
I don't see any issues. Good work.
Conclusion
I generally like the poem, but it feels like you could do much better with a little looser touch, a little more emotion instead of description. There just seems to be a disconnect between the "immense joy" you say you feel and the "tone of the relationship set". I think you could breathe a little more life into this, as is shown by the best parts, including the lines I included above.
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I liked the poem, but it felt liked it needed more. The concept is good, the imagery and simile are good, but it feels like it has more to say that you haven't quite said yet.
What I liked most The bright yellow and orange-
chalk scribbled ground.
This is both poetic and shows the petty nature of the landlord.
My general suggestions
Make it longer. Fill it out some. Obviously, a poem doesn't have to be long to be effective, but yours feels like it has more that isn't being said. I'd add another stanza.
Technical issues
I did not see any technical issues. Good work.
Conclusion
As I said, I think there could be more to this, but it is still a good poem. I hope you do expand it, and would like to read it if you do, but obviously, it is your work and your judgment is the most important.
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A thoroughly enjoyable story. I loved the series of events and how she kept so cheerful for so long, until it was too much.
What I liked most
I loved the careful way she walked with her juice. It brought back many memories of when my daughter (now 21) was that age, often with similar results.
My general suggestions
I have nothing to suggest. Simply wonderful.
Technical issues
I don't see any issues at all with spelling, tense, grammar or point of view.
Conclusion
Wow! What a wonderful, delightful story. You have a gift.
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A very interesting and unique bit of writing. I'm impressed.
What I liked most
My favoriet part of the piece was the wonderful way you brought in Leon and the flowers.
My general suggestions
First off, make sure to remove the Contest genre, as this should only be in Contest Entry. Other than that, I'm not sure what I could suggest.
Technical issues
I didn't see any technical issues, aside from a few missing commas that didn't effect the read much.
Conclusion
The writing starts a bit slow, leading in a different direction than where it goes eventually. I can quite decide how I feel about that, but I really liked the piece by the end, so I guess it worked. Again, a very unique story.
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
This poem was well constructed and tackles a difficult subject with grace. I think it stumbles just a bit at the very end.
What I liked most
I very much liked the way you used the dance to communicate the budding relationship. It flowed nicely from the girl's dreams and to her eventual nightmare.
My general suggestions
The last two stanzas don't seem to flow as well as the others. It is unclear (possibly intentionally) whether the man is starting an affair with the "As new dance begins", but it seems confusing and distracting from the domestic violence part. The first line of the last stanza feels forced, although I can't think of a good replacement off the top of my head.
Technical issues
You have "Cant", which should be "Can't".
I did not notice any other spelling, grammar or tense issues.
Conclusion
You've written a powerful poem, and despite small issues, I think you should feel quite proud of it.
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I like the emotion and spirit behind your poem. The rhythm is a bit choppy for my taste, but I do tend to like traditional rhyming poetry more than free verse. It also feels like there could be some more vibrant word choice.
What I liked most
I liked the refrain quite a bit. Very catchy, almost like lyrics rather than a poem.
My general suggestions
I'd work a bit on the final lines of your non-refrain stanzas. They are very different lengths, and some feel too long. For example, where you have "But I'll keep standing up. Just you wait and see.", it feels like you could have "But I'll keep standing, just wait and see." and have it shorter and flow better.
I'd also try to find some more active, descriptive phrases, as the poem drags a bit without more vivid images.
Technical issues
The only issues are minor punctuation issues, such as using "wont" instead of "won't" or "theres" when it should be "there's".
Conclusion
You have made a good start on this poem, but I think with a bit more time and effort, you could make it more powerful. I'd like to have a chance to re-review and re-rate it higher if you do work more on it.
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This is an excellent summary, and I especially appreciated the many helpful links. It really helps to have one place to look for all of this information, so I am planning on making this article a favorite so I can get back to it easily.
My one suggestion is that I think you could have given a bit more attention to templates, which I find really help structure your review and remind you of issues to deal with.
One minor technical issue I have with your article is that you use "alot" frequently where you should use "a lot". It may not bother others, but I find it distracting and thought you should know.
Now I am off to explore some more of the wonderful links you provide. I enjoy reviewing a great deal, but it helps to have ideas how to make the experience beneficial to both the reviewee and reviewer. Thanks, and write on!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I enjoyed your poem. I really like the flow, and how you capture the two steps forward, one step back of a potential breakup.
What I liked most
My favorite part of the poem was near the end with the "leave you, love you, leave you" repeated element. Very effective.
My general suggestions
I have no general suggestions. The piece was well done.
Technical issues
You have "be absent", and I think it would both be more correct and sound better to have "are absent", but use your judgement on that, as you may well feel it sounds better as is.
Conclusion
You've written a good poem here. Thanks for sharing, and welcome to Writing.com. I've included a few gift points as encouragement for you to keep on writing.
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port Ben Langhinrichs and review any of my work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I only hope that I am ever able to write as well in a second language as you. You have done a fine job.
What I liked most
My favorite part of the poem was the first stanza, especially the concept of the horse riding backwards, but I liked all of it.
My general suggestions
I don't have any suggestions.
Technical issues
You have "Two lost souls didn't live up to become one", which doesn't quite make sense to me. I think you could just remove the word "up" and make it better.
I did not notice any other spelling, grammar or tense issues.
They say that 'turnabout is fair play', so please feel welcome to visit my port and review any of my work.
I think you have done quite well with this. The setting is very well described throughout, the characters feel real and the action carries one along. There is very little dialogue, so that can't be judged yet, but all the elements are in good shape. Similarly, I didn't see any spelling, grammar or tense issues. Good work.
Now, with that out of the way, I have to say that I very much enjoyed the writing, but the subject worries me slightly. As a reader, I am not sure what is coming next, which at a low level is very good and at a high level is less good. If this were Stephen King, I'd know that this girl was going to go to hell and back. Since I don't like to read what is termed "torture porn", my radar goes up. Now, if this were Dick Francis or a number of other writers, I'd know that things would get dicey, but the girl would essentially be alright. She likely wouldn't get raped brutally.
I say all this to communicate that, while it seems unfair, you might need something to encourage me to read on with a sense of safety for me, if not safety for your main character. It need not even be a change in the story, which is well done, but in the description or something. The most encouraging signs are that the story is categorized for Young Adult and that the attacker doesn't either actually either cut or molest her. But if I feel betrayed later, then I'll be very upset.
So, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and keep reading, as it is most excellent writing. I just thought you might like the perspective of a potential reader.
I sent along a few gift points to encourage you. Write on!
Very nicely done. I like the sentiment, the appearance and the flow of your poem. You have one small spelling error ("your sure to lose should be "you're"), but the poem works quite well in my opinion.
I'll have to take a look at your other poems. Write on!
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