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401
401
Review of Hero  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
I liked this poem very much. It portrays a disaffected superhero in an unusual way.

My only problem with the poem is that the entire poem is in the present tense except the first two stanzas. It seems like they would be very easy to fix, just changing "played" to "plays", "spoke" to "speaks" and so forth.

The last two stanzas are my favorites, especially the last line. Very nice job! Write on!
402
402
Review of storm clouds  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Very intriguing poem. I know you wrote this a while ago, but I happened upon it while doing a scavenger hunt. I particularly like the line "thunder rolls across my mind" and the line right after it. This manages to convey a very powerful feeling. It even seems right to leave off the punctuation and capitalization, although I am not always in favor of that.

Write on!
403
403
Review of Grey  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very nice poem - I enjoyed it. I think that the fifth line needs a bit of work. You have:

1st line "..today"
3rd line "..day"
5th line "..day"
7th line "..gray"

and you really shouldn't use the same word for the different rhymes. You can get away with "today" and "day" once, and "dawn of day is very nice alliteration, so the 5th line is the best to change.

Nice writing. I enjoyed it. Write on!
404
404
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.5)
A great retelling of the Three Pigs. I very much enjoyed your characters, and the plot evolved fairly nicely. I had a little trouble with the scene in the third pig's house, as it was unclear why there seemed to be numerous female wolves and few other animals, and that seemed a might coincidendental, but I could be overthinking. Anyway, thanks for the story.

Write on!
405
405
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
Beautiful story/letter, and well written. I enjoyed it very much. There wer a few rough spots in technical terms, and it would be good to clean them up, because the letter is definitely good enough to make the best you can.

Where you have "make love, came out", it should be "come out".

Where you have "each other: as the", I think it would be better to skip the word "as", but that is a purely stylistic choice.

You should have a question mark at the end of "So we will have lots of money, a house, and kids."

Where you have "two adrenaline junkies terrified.", there should be a comma before "terrified" if I understand the sentence properly (and the fact that I am not sure emphasizes why you need it).

I was a little unclear in "my red hair that is always out of control." whether it was the red hair or Peggy that was always out of control. Perhaps you could use "my out of control red hair" if you meant the former.

Again, a wonderful letter and I'm glad to have read it. Let me know if you edit it more and I'd be happy to re-review and re-rate higher. Write on!
406
406
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very intriguing poem. I read it a couple of times, trying to figure out how I felt about it, and it grows on you. Nice job with the character development, given that it is all done through implication.

My favorite part is the last stanza, where it all comes together, in a way. The only technical issue I see is in the line "There is only the blank void I live from now on. which feels like it is missing a word. Maybe "live in" would be better, but I am not sure.
407
407
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hmm. I wonder if you read the politico blogs such as Dailykos.com, since this reads quite a bit like a lot of the comments there. While I sympathize with much of the basic intent, the bombast gets a little strong.

Anyway, stylistically, this poem feels a bit more like a forced march than a stroll in the park. I think you could tone down the rhetoric slightly, make the flow and poetry stronger and perhaps entice a larger audience. But perhaps that is just me.

Write on!
408
408
Review of complacent  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hmm. You writing is good and poetic, but the point of the poem is a little lost on me. I like the second stanza a good deal more than the first. Particularly, "reservation for temptation" sounds more clever than clear. I think the rest of the stanza would work if you had more emotion in that first line. I love internal rhyming in general, but I think it distracts and detracts from the meaning and flow in this poem.

See if you can rework the beginning, and I'd be happy to look at it again and re-rate.
409
409
Review of Clutter  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your poem is very touching. The dialogue, and thoughts, are used effectively. The characters come through quite well given the brevity of the poem. This is very good.

Unfortunately, it detracts from the poem to have the note at the top about italics, and the single quote method of denoting thoughts isn't great. Fortunately, if you read Invalid Item , you will see it is quite easy to create italics.

Your poem deserves to be seen as you intended! You write well, so write on!
410
410
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
This chapter reads pretty well. You seem to have a good feel for the ralationship between the brothers, and the interactions are realistic and believable. The dialogue is also good. Without knowing the rest of the story, it is hard to be sure about the plot, but the part shown here seems pretty good for teen comedy.

Write on!
411
411
Review of Synchronicity  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sitewide Care Review

I enjoyed this poem very much. I like the message, but more I like the form and flow. The way the fleeting and then stronger connections are emphasized in their separate stanza is well done. Nothing to complain about, and everything to like.

Good job. Write on!
412
412
Review of Baby I'm sorry  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (3.0)
Sitewide Care Review

This poem was moving and heartfelt. I enjoyed reading it and was touched. Nonetheless, it seems to suffer from a few issues. The rhythm seems to change between stanzas, which is disorienting, and there is a great lack of commas, but not a complete absence which might indicate a stylistic choice. That made it harder to read.

There is a typo in the line "Change ther person I know you will be." where the second word should be "the".

Your poetry is good, but needs some editing and should be slowly read aloud to get a feel for where the rhythm is off. I think this poem is worth the effort to make it even better.

Write on!
413
413
Review of The Writer's Lair  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Sitewide Care Review

I am not familiar with the Rondelay format. It looks similar to a Rondel format, but has a sound closer to the Raven format from Poe (I don't remember what format that is, although I suppose I could look it up).

In any case, given the format you specify, you did it perfectly, and with a very clever poem as well. I like it, and the flow and rhythm as well. Good writing!

Write on!
414
414
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Sitewide Care Review

Wow, that is quite a story. I am impressed. On the other hand, it was a bit confusing what caused so much damage to Jane. Given what it sounds like happened, you would think she would be either much less retrievable or less injured. That was the one part that could have used further gruesome elucidation, I think.

Write on!
415
415
Review of The Photograph  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Sitewide Care Review

Dadblasted! I wish I could write like this. I really enjoyed your story, and thought the old man's perspective was extremely well communicated. The setting at the old cabin, and later in the room, were communicated with just the right number of words, and enhanced by showing rather than telling. Wonderful!

Writing this good deserves to be perfect, so here are a few minor technical issues to correct:

There is a place you have "neigh on 100 years" where it should be "nigh".

You have "but this is my favorite, it was the first.", but in that context, the last comma should be either a semicolon or dash, not a comma.

In "not exactly wheelchair accessible being out in the middle", you should have a comma after "accessible"

Write on!
416
416
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sitewide Care Review

Challenging it may be, but this is a masterful effort. It would be a fairly good poem in any case, but it is nothing short of amazing given the constraints. Obviously, I can't critique the punctuation, but the flow and meter and everything are wonderful. My favorite line is:

"Anything Goes", from "True Love" to "Fish - Fashion?".

My only objection, and prepare yourself, as it is a big one, is that now you have my competitive juices running and I am likely to spend way, way too much time trying, almost certainly futilely, to top this. How could you?

Write on!
417
417
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (3.5)
Sitewide Care Review

I like this poem, with its light verses and even flow. The image works well with it as well. The language is just bout right for the content, and there is a lilting quality which matches the peewees themselves.

Unfortunately, it shares the fault of the earlier poem I read of yours, an oveabundance of "And"s.

A peewee family lives in a tree
That grows in the yard that belongs to me.
They've been there for years and now are quite tame
And they've taught me well how to play their game.


If you just leave off the "And", this reads and flows better. Try saying that whole stanza out loud, then try again with

A peewee family lives in a tree
That grows in the yard that belongs to me.
They've been there for years and now are quite tame.
They've taught me well how to play their game.


although the repeated "They've" should now be fixed. In ny case, the use of "And" at the tart of lines seems to be a habit, but it should be broken.

Next, there are a couple of lines that confused me:
#1: Pyjama clad Meg was waving her lance,
#2: For chicks. And next time, I think I'll dress first!

They confused me because I didn't realize your name was Meg, and while you normally speak in the first person in this poem, in this one case, you spoke in the third person. You either have to identify yourself or find another way to say this, such as "I, in my pyjamas, was waving my lance,".



So, the poem was fun and interesting, but with just a little more cleanup, it could be even better.

Write on!
418
418
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (3.5)
Sitewide Care Review

This poem is whimsical and entertaining. I enjoyed reading it very much. That said, as a reviewer, there are a few faults, one of which tends to run throughout, and all of which could be fairly easily rectified.

I'm so sick with the 'flu.

I'm not sure what you are trying to accomplish with the apostrophe, but you should get rid of it. Even if you think of "flu" as short for "influenza", this wouldn't be the way to abbreviate it, and people refer to "the flu" all the time.

(And my nose is cute too).

And you could think of ANYTHING else that would rhyme?

He gave me some pills,
And said, "Go home to bed.
"But first get these x-rays,
"And bring them back to be read".


Throughout the poem, one can find this odd reliance on starting lines with "And". The oddest thing is that in virtually every case, the line sounds better and fits the rhythm better if you just leave off the word. Try saying that whole stanza out loud, then try again with

He gave me some pills,
Said, "Go home to bed.
"But first get these x-rays,
"Bring them back to be read".


It reads and flows better. I found six places where you use "And" at the beginning of a line, and one case where you use "But", and in all but the last use of "And", I think it would be better to just leave it off and make no other changes. In every case, the poem then sounds better read out loud, as poems really out to be.

So, again, the poem was fun and well written, but with just a little more care, it could be so much better.

Write on!
419
419
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sitewide Care Review

Well written and poetic. I was impressed with how the raging wind is an actual character, and one you can discern from the dialogue. The setting is very clearly drawn as well. I could visualize the garden, yet the actual description is such that any other reader might visualize it equally well, yet differently.

My favorite visual cue is

trying to garden pompous
flowers in a stately fashion


and my favorite lines are

Otherwise, it's nothing more than prostrating
in front of a
saffron-clad mountaintop figure
who thinks he has all the answers
but cannot even speak.


Overall, I could find no faults and no issues. Very nice!

Write on!
420
420
Review of RETREAT  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sitewide Care Review

Very nice poem. I like the language and imagery, and the general flow. I think you rely a bit too heavily on the pseudo-contractions such as "defeat's" and "Solution's" and "abor's", which are okay on occasion, but when used frequently seem to detract from the readability. Other than that, a very well done piece.

Write on!
421
421
Review of How I Review  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sitewide Care Review

Very well described, and a very good system, it seems to me. I especially like that you separate out The Dialogue as a separate element, because it is a hard thing to get right and is one of the parts of a story that often loses the reader if it is wrong. The reader may forgive a flat character in the midst of a good plot, or even a weak setting, but the dialogue will jump out as "sounding wrong".

But here I go commenting on the content, when a review should get to the writing itself. Your writing is very clean, very concise (I'm a fan of Strunk & White's Elements of Style) and covers almost all the bases.

I say almost all, because there are two weaknesses I found in this article which might be improved on. The first weakness is that you give this great layout with all sorts of wonderful symbols, and even say "created the following format because I was using WritingML all over the place in my reviews anyway, and I'd started making mistakes.", but for the newbie such as myself, you don't suggest how to leverage your hard work to make us more productive. Is there a way to share all or part of that Word file you mention? This information is a glaring omission for a newcomer (and I'm interested in it myself, by the way). The second weakness is that you gloss over the whole question of ratings, merely showing where, but adding none of the wonderful why and how which you add to the rest of your sections. Even if that information is in a separate How I rate article, it should be linked to from here.

So, a very good guide that could be a bit better. Thanks for putting this together, and it really would be a help if there is a resource for pre-made styles rather than just learning all the WritingML ourselves. Write on!
422
422
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (3.5)
Sitewide Care Review

This was quite entertaining and whimsical. I did have a few issues with it, but I must inform you that I have never played a guitar, nor lost a guitar pick, in my life. Hence, these are writing issues...

You write "among them are thinker, philosopher", but it would sound better to leave out the "among them are" entirely, and you wouldn't lose any meaning.

I guess that "It would only seem natural that throwing all these attributes of mine into a blender, would be a cause for consternation, and I believe I would have to agree." is a humorous aside, but it distracts some from the flow of the essay, and keeps us away from the point - guitar picks!

You start one part "I'd like to entertain the notion that...", and I say, what's stopping you? Why not write this as "I think that" or at least "I like to think that" or "It's possible that" or, if you just can't stand the assertiveness, at least "I like the notion that...". Anything that is more active and less passive than (and I paraphrase) and if permitted I would like to possibly kind of sort of entertain the notion that perhaps, blah blah blah.

The conclusion is great! It almost justifies ignoring my second issue (about the blender), but not quite.

I do very much like your writing. This piece didn't seem as finished and polished as your article on BioBlocks, but was more interesting to read. Write on!
423
423
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sitewide Care Review

I liked your article. It was clear, compelling and well reasoned. It absolutely made me want to go back and check my Bio Block and see what I am projecting about myself. I'll try to get to that today.

Thanks for writing this. My only minor technical issue (you just knew I had to find one, didn't you?), is that you need to decide whether to refer to these as "Bio Blocks" or "BioBlocks" or "bioblocks", since you use all three (in your article, you description and your title, respectively).
424
424
Review of TALL TALE  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Sitewide Care Review

Your tall tale was very good and enjoyable. There were some technical issues which I have listed, and I also want to say generally that the first two paragraphs could be left off completely and not detract from the tall tale at all. They only made sense when reading the last line, but still were not necessary.

Anyway, on to the technical issues I noticed.

"and culminated into a" should be "and culminated in a"

"It had been an awkward week for me; the Lady could not hide her desires." would be better with a dash instead of a semicolon.

"At first I thought whale; then no this was something else." would be better as "At first I thought whale, then, no, this was something else." with the commas and not the semicolon.

In the paragraph starting with "I tighten the mainsail and expanded the jib", you slip into present tense after using past tense in previous paragraphs, then slip back into past tense by the end with "I secured the wheel". You have to stay with one tense. I'm betting you switched after writing one way, and just missed this part.

"It swallowed my fish that was as big as my arm." is a bit awkward and should be a pivotal point, not a pedestrian one, more like "The fish I had hooked was as big as my arm, but this thing swallowed it like it was a minnow." or something like that with more punch.

"what I had just seen, could not be true." should not have the comma before "could".

"Then it slowly dove, I watched it disappear." would be better with a dash instead of a comma.

"on shore wind" would be better as "on-shore wind", but "run-a-ground" should be "run aground".

"Before I went back to the wheel I grabbed my gun." should have a comma after "wheel".

"Come on Lads" should have a comma after "on".

Well, after all that, I still enjoyed the story a great deal. I just think you could make it great with a bit more revision, even if it did win a contest before. Write on, you do it well!
425
425
Review of Tell Me A Story  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Sitewide Care Review

This was a very enjoyable story within a story. I liked the tone and most of the work flowed well. There were a few parts that needed work, though:

"as the town grew, the forest shrank" sounds strange in a children's story, although it would sound fine in a story for older people. I would use something more like "as the town grew, the trees were cut down until the forest's edge was near the hut" or something like that. If you say "the forest shrank" in a kids story, they'll think it literally shrank.

"like roaches in an all-night diner" is completely inappropriate in a children's story.

"scanning the darkness" sounds a bit off. A small boy doesn't "scan", he "searched" perhaps.

"hoping it was his sister and not a monster." is wonderful, and really gets across a young boy's thinking.

"Well, you didn't have to smack my hand with that tuna, mister." doesn't sound like any kid I know, but certainly not any young boy. He might say "Well, you didn't have to throw it at me." or even "Well, you didn't have to throw that can at me." but would never use "smack" and would never stop to identify the contents of the can.

You mention the "summer of 1950" and I'd just advise avoiding a specific date if it really isn't necessary. In 1960 or even 1970, that would be funny, but in 2008 it sounds idiotic, and in 2030 it will sound worse. No matter when, it drags the reader into a specific reality which drags him or her away from a fairy tale other worldiness, which works best in children's stories. Just say "ten years ago"

You say "the cow began eating the tuna.". In a can? That doesn't sound believable. I'd pick a different food that a cow could eat and could still be thrown.

Anyway, you have the makings of a very good story, but I do think it needs tightening. It seems worth the effort to me, so let me know if you do make changes, although I know this was last modified a couple of years ago.
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