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Review of After The Ice  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A powerful, disturbing story. I had to read it a couple of times to really get it, but it was worth rereading.

What I liked most
I like the way you slip in the buddies and their "help", which only really makes sense later. You did a very good job of making the reader question exactly what was real and what was not, then tying the two together.

My general suggestions
It might be worth providing a footnote for those of us not well versed in the terms.

Conclusion
I started out with "Huh?", but ended up with "Wow!"


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Review of Rinku is Thirsty.  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A sweet walk back memory lane. Very enjoyable.

What I liked most
I liked the way you started the story in the here and now, and gradually the mist covered the scene as in a movie, and you remembered back... back... back...

My general suggestions
None, I like it the way it is.

Technical issues
I didn't see any problems. Well done!

Conclusion
This was a very pleasing and entertaining story. I liked it very much. Thanks for sharing!


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Review of HOWLING HALLOWEEN  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
An entertaining poem for Halloween.

What I liked most
Owls hoot, and night creatures call,
Witches beckoning one and all.

My general suggestions

Technical issues
You have " Itching fingers in the bowls dwell", but I think you meant "bowels".

The punctuation is a bit spotty, and at times it makes it hard to understand the intended meaning. For example, you have " Ghosts and Goblins sheer delight", which could be " Ghosts and Goblins' sheer delight", meaning that it was sheer delight for the Ghosts and Goblins, or it could be " Ghosts and Goblins - sheer delight", meaning that the Ghosts and Goblins were a sheer delight for the children.

Conclusion
I liked the poem and its vision of Halloween, but it could be made much better with a little "spit and polish".


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Review of Why I Love Autumn  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A warm and enthusiastic endorsement of Autumn.

What I liked most
I like that you use all the different sense to describe Autumn. It may have even been part of the assignment, but it is done well to bring Autumn alive.

My general suggestions
Be wary of adverbs. I am not against them in general, but they are a warning sign that your verb may be too non-specific or passive. For example, you have "they so excellently accomplish", and it seems as if the verb "accomplish" just felt too passive. Instead of adding the adverb, try a different, more active, verb.

In general, watch out for passive verbs. Your images are great and your varied scenes are wonderful; don't let passive verbs steal the thunder from your writing.

Technical issues
I didn't see any issues. Well done!

Conclusion
An essay about Autumn which makes me glad to feel the nip outside and puts the best possible face on the inevitable raking to be done. Write on!


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A whimsical and entertaining poem about Burmese Pythons in Florida.

What I liked most
I liked the half-scientific, half-chatty tone. Giving this poem a rhyme scheme was a good move, and made the poem flow were it might otherwise have dragged.

My general suggestions
While some of the rhymes were interesting and clever, (e.g., "voracious" and "tenacious"), some others were a little too simple (e.g., "pet" and "Get", or "kind" and "mind"). See if you can reach a little further out, as you did so well with ("are" and "Bizarre").

Conclusion
Fun and interesting. Thanks for sharing!


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Review of Just Hold Me Now  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A poem about love and passion.

What I liked most
This then is what I gave you,
My heart, so loudly beating
You, my dear, are so far,
But my gift to you, is nearing

This verse, to me, captures the emotion best.

My general suggestions
A free verse poem that rhymes too much or a traditional poem that rhymes too little? The fact that I am not sure, although I assume the former, bespeaks a problem. When I read a poem, I like to know what to expect, not on an intellectual level, but on a poetic level. The first couple of stanzas sound like they are rhyming on the odd lines, but that falls apart in the third and fourth stanzas and seems to pick back up in the last two. My poetic sense if confused, and I am so distracted by the odd rhythm that I wind up reading the poem several times before I can get past the issue and read the words. I'd suggest fewer rhymes, or more!

Conclusion
An enjoyable poem with some good substance, but perhaps too hastily written (as indicated by the "contest with a short sharp deadline" comment in the description.

By the way, I'm glad to run into you again. I hope all has been well since our Author's Spotlight. Write on!


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Review of Never forget...  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A very cool shape poem. Of course, it required a bit of knowledge of the book "The Watsons Go to Birmingham-1963", but you did a good job of making that clear in the description.

What I liked most
I thought the presentation was done well. It can be hard to be imaginative and clear in this sort of shape poem, but you did it well.

My general suggestions
It might make sense to put the apostrophe and comma on their own lines.

Conclusion
Fun and well done. Write on!


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A clever and entertaining poem about the trials and travails of a mother, her teenagers and their use of her stuff.

What I liked most
They ripped holes in my jeans and called it 'the style'.
The sleeves of my shirts lay there in a pile.

I laughed out loud at this.

My general suggestions
You come very close to a consistent syllable count, if not a consistent meter. While I am not sure it is worth changing the whole poem to be absolutely consistent, the places where you vary too much sound choppy. For example, "Gone were my hairbrush and make-up case" is nine syllables, where every line before is ten or more. Due both to its length and to the rhythm of the words, you could use "Gone were my hairbrush and my make-up case" both to make the line sound more in synch and to emphasize the word "my", which follows with your assertions of their taking your stuff.

Going to opposite extremes, the line "They apologize to me for fighting over a phone" is fourteen syllables, which feels way too long. Maybe you could try something like "They're sorry, they say, for hogging the phone", but play with it a bit.

Conclusion
I enjoyed your poem. Write on!


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A poem expressing admiration and affection for a loving father (but not your own).

What I liked most
A man who was faithful to God,
A husband who adored his wife,
A father who was good to his sons;
This Father's Day they'd honor his life.

My general suggestions
I am not sure what the significance of emphasizing the word "This", but it is distracting when read without that explanation.

I am also a little unsure about the "long to be with him above" sentiment. It is one thing to miss him, but might they rather he was down with them than that they were up with him?

Conclusion
A tribute to a man who sounds like he deserved it. Write on!


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A country song about a lost love.

What I liked most
I like the chorus best of all.

My general suggestions
Because obviously a country song about a lost love is already trending toward cliche, I think you might want to work a bit on the verses to add something new or different that still works with the theme, but takes the listener a bit by surprise. The difference between a "generic country song" and a special song that people remember is often just a couple of words or a thought that takes the mind in a different direction.

Conclusion
A nicely done country song, although it needs just a bit more oomph to live up to its potential.


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A triolet poem.

What I liked most
I like "ignites my mother-candle's flame".

My general suggestions
I think it is a good idea when using a form with which people might not be familiar to include either a brief explanation or a link to an explanation as a footnote. Otherwise, it is a bit hard to know what is your choice and what is part of the form.

Conclusion
A very pleasant poem about the joys our children bring to us just by calling our names.


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Review of Singing By Whales  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A free verse poem about humpback whales and their songs.

What I liked most
with its beautiful, but eerily haunting,
mystical, lyrical sounds-- the poet in me
wonders if this is not a song of lament,

My general suggestions
It is possible this should be posted as "prose" rather than "poetry", since it seems to fall somewhere in between. There are times, such as the snippet I included above, where the poetic styling overcomes the explanatory styling, but if you truly want this to be accepted as a poem, you would probably need to adjust parts to make it more lyrical. Someone could read this out loud to another person without the latter person even catching on it was a poem, I'm afraid.

Conclusion
An enjoyable read, if not exactly a poem. Whatever one might call it, it is well written. Write on!


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Review of Coloring Lesson  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A poem about life, reflected in a box of crayons and a circle.

What I liked most
I like the first stanza very much. I also like the way the images are tied together subtly, such as the "the sharpened edges of pain" which is tied to the later "too little left to sharpen", which refers to the crayons, but suggests the earlier sharp edges.

My general suggestions
While I like the box of crayons analogy, I am less enthused about the mixed images in the second and third stanzas. You could argue that the "pregnant memories" of the second stanza mirror the circle, but not well in my opinion. The third stanza is worse with the mixed analogy of the "Sands falling", which feels both cliched and inappropriate to the crayon analogy.

Conclusion
A well written poem, but one that could use a bit of fine tuning to bring out its full potential.


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Review of Hungry Soul ~  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
An acrostic etheree written for the Author's Spotlight.

What I liked most
I like your approach to a challenging combination of tasks. The word choice is pretty good, including "Sips betrayal's bitter brine", which is my favorite line.

Technical issues
This is an acrostic, not an anagram. An anagram is "a word, phrase, or sentence formed from another by rearranging its letters", which an acrostic is "a series of lines or verses in which the first, last, or other particular letters when taken in order spell out a word, phrase, etc."

Conclusion
Nicely done! Write on!


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Review of Ponderings...  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A contemplative poem about what hope and its necessity.

What I liked most
I really liked the echo of the first three stanzas, and how they followed a pattern which strengthened the message.

My general suggestions
In the third stanza, the wording seems off. You have

For what I hope to be...
Love...
Friendship...
Family...

but you don't "hope to be" those things. You either hope to have them, or you need words such as "Loving..." that one can be.

Technical issues
While I think you are justified in capitalizing "Past" in the line "The Past connot be changed", choosing to do so means you should probably capitalize the word "future" in the line "Or all hope for the future is lost" in the same stanza.

Conclusion
A nice poem that needs a bit of work to reach its full potential. Write on!


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Review of Letting Go  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A reflective poem about facing turmoil and finding tranquility.

What I liked most
I take a moment to reflect
upon the lake of emotions
I call my heart


My first reaction was that the image felt awkward, but as I re-read the poem a couple of times, it grew on me.

My general suggestions
I think the simile of the lake could be reinforced a bit more. You refer to it just once when mentioning the "crystal sheen", but I think with a slightly different word choice or the addition of a word or two, you could refer back again when you mention the "soft breeze" and tie together the lake and the breeze.

Technical issues
I saw no issues. Good job!

Conclusion
A nice poem with a gentle air. Write on!


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A lovely song, although I wish I could hear the tune.

What I liked most
I like the descriptiveness of "they rub elbows with the stars" and "Together we can chase moonbeams overhead". In general, the imagery works very well.

Conclusion
The lyrics are very nice. Write on!


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Review of Malice Intended  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A mystery solved, but not by those you might expect.

What I liked most
I liked the sentiments which distracted from the true intent, such as "This place could be managed much better in other hands".

My general suggestions
The setup was done, well, but the conclusion was fairly confusing. The bit about the radio didn't make a lot of sense, and the idea that what was left in her wastebasket seemed rather improbable. It also seemed difficult to believe that someone in her position would not know of such a standard rule as "the hotel’s policy not to clean the rooms when the guests were inside".

Conclusion
This was an interesting mysrey, and I liked the general course of the plot, but it seemed thin on character development, setting and action. I think it could be considerably livened if the characters were brought to life a bit more with traits that showed them as more than two dimensional.


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Review of DISCRETION  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
This is a poem where the message seems stronger than the delivery.

What I liked most
I like the way the initial two stanzas pose the questions, the middle two stanzas answer, or at least address, the questions, and the last stanza essentially asks God's help in implementing the answers.

My general suggestions
The rhymes seem forced. I'd step back from the meter and make the individual statements stronger, then revise the rhymes to suit. For example, you have

Why answer the call of hate?
Why heed mere gibberish?
Why use the pen or tongue when
The answer, silence, is?

The idea is good, but there is both a clearly missed opportunity and a very forced rhyme. By switching the verbs in the first two questions, you would get the better alliteration of "heed/hate", and then by switching the order, you get a far easier potential rhyme in "hate" than you had in "gibberish":

Why answer mere gibberish?
Why heed the call of hate?

Now, with one stronger line (and the other no weaker), and a better rhyme, you could alter the second part to something like:

Why use the pen or tongue when
calm silence beats debate?

This rhymes well, and also adds a subtle repeated sound with "beats debate". If you don't like that last part, you have a wide variety of rhyming choices for "hate".

In the second stanza, I'd suggesting that the "cozy wind", while not bad, could be a bit stronger with "warming wind", which both adds alliteration and a direct, as opposed to indirect, contrast with "winter". Now, if you were writing about the season, I would cheer for a variation like "cozy wind" which adds a little variety, but since the point is the argument about discretion, the less direct comparison weakens the argument.

Finally, it tends to be seen as weaker to rhyme two words that share the same root, as in your "forearmed" and "unarmed". It might be better to choose "harmed", which could probably be worked into this last stanza.

Conclusion
This is a strong message, but a little more effort could make it read better and strengthen its argument.


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Review of Ants  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
Short, but entertaining, poem about ants. A bit like Ogden Nash. I wandered into your port after you reviewed my "Sleepwalker" poem, and this is one of several I have enjoyed.

My general suggestions
The way I pronounce "irrelevant" doesn't begin to rhyme with "ant", but I almost think that makes the poem funnier.

I think I'd call it "The Ant", myself.

Conclusion
It is short, but I appreciate this sort of mild humor, so thank you for sharing. Write on!


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Review of Dead End  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A detective story about a pretty girl and others.

What I liked most
He believes the police will drop the case from lack of evidence, but with me as defense's private investigator, Marge will have the upper hand. I think, more than anything, I took this case for Marge's dreamy blue eyes and the sunlight flickering on her curls.

This is one of the moments in the story where the style works well and gives a sense of the character of the detective.

My general suggestions
Unfortunately, I think the first person present tense works really badly in the way this story is told. The use of present tense is usually aimed at adding immediacy, but the lack of details completely counteracts the goal. I think the intent is to sound like a reporter or a journal, but then it should absolutely be past tense.

Additionally, the lack of details makes the story feel way too sparse. For example, "Ronny wants to keep quiet about Daryl's bandannas since Marge can get in hot water, but I talk to the police if only to get Daryl out of my way. This could be an entire scene with a wealth of action, and instead it is jotted down like a note to oneself. But if it is a note, why present tense. Present tense demands a sense of scene that is almost completely missing.

Conclusion
I wanted to like this story, and it feels like it has a great potential plot, but it feels like an outline rather than an actual story.


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
This was fun and exciting. I think you should keep on writing this pirate story.

What I liked most
I like the way you show us a lot about Charlotte without having to tell us too much. Little things like the way she takes the news about her father reveal a lot about her character.

My general suggestions
Read the whole story, one line at a time, slowly. There are some rough spots which just sound like you were getting a lot of information down in a hurry and ran over yourself. For example, in "and she passed. A friend sent word to Tortuga so that it could be passed", the second use of the word "passed" used so close after the first seems like it should mean the same thing, but it doesn't, and it takes a moment to understand what the second "passed" refers back to. A moment is all it takes to lose a reader's flow.

Technical issues
As I mentioned, there are rough spots, but they are not mostly spelling or grammar. This is fairly clean from a purely technical point of view.

Conclusion
I like your story, and think it has a lot of promise. I'd love to read more.


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Review of I Wonder  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A short poem with a lot of poignancy.

What I liked most
I like the dance metaphor used, as it allows you to say so much while saying nothing more than "my dance card full".

Technical issues
Our time together was over;
my dance card full. -> Should be a comma rather than a semicolon (big clue: no verb in the second clause).

Now I live on wondering... -> Add a comma after "on".

Conclusion
This was very nicely done. It is a short piece, so even with only small technical errors, I have to mark it down a bit, but I liked it very much.


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Review of Parasite  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
An intense story about an unplanned child and an unprepared parent.

What I liked most
I like the flashbacks which show the two different perspectives on what happened and how things developed. I also liked that you did not fall into the trap of making either parent a monster, but had her recognize his strengths and vice-versa.

My general suggestions
I'd suggest a line between each paragraph, and perhaps italicizing the POV name, as it is a bit hard to read on-line without the extra line.

The parental response seems a bit harsh. There are probably plenty of parents who say this, but many relent and provide some assistance. On the other hand, there are few teenage parents who land in a situation as good as this couple's, with his getting a well paying job from the start. I know that my wife and I earned less than that for years, even with our first two kids, and we got married in the more traditional "graduate from college, get a job, have kids" mode.

Technical issues
I didn';t see any issues, but this was long enough that I didn't go through a careful line by line looking for punctuation, grammar and spelling. I relied instead on what jumped out at me.

Conclusion
Very interesting and well written story, albeit creepy in its own way, and terribly sad in another. Postpartum depression can be severe, and this scenario, or something like it,is probably not as unusual as I'd like to believe. Well done.


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Review of A Parent's Love  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
I had some difficulty reviewing your piece. There is an important message, but it gets a bit lost.

What I liked most
The sister had the pair he lacked
And took the monkey off her back.
Miles away she made a life:
Became a student and a wife.

My general suggestions
If you step back from the poem and look at the overall message, it seems to have a core problem. I think the problem comes through not knowing the bckground of the people involved well enough, so it may be easy to fix, but listen to this outline as it reads from the outside:

A brother and sister grow up together. He is coddled and cherished. She is ignored and verbally abused and grows up lonely. Because he is so cherished, he has no spine and switches from his overbearing mother to an overbearing wife. His sister, on the other hand, grows stronger through her experiences and does well in life. Moral: Cherish and coddle your children.

Can you see how that doesn't make sense? She got stronger through being ignored and abused, while he got weaker through being the favored one. Yet, you conclude by saying to treat your children the way he was. Of course, I don't think that is what you mean, but the poem seems to say that.

I also don't know how the original two lines relate to the rest of the story:

A parent’s love: unconditional
Adoption: the ultimate joy.

Again, I think you have powerful point, but it is obscured by our not knowing what you know about the situation (whether it is real or envisioned).

Technical issues
I didn't see any problems. Good Job!

Conclusion
I hope that you take the opportunity to clarify this poem a bit. It sounds like a wonderful message obscured or distorted somehow.


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