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This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
This is a very intriguing and insightful poem.
What I liked most
I really like the imagery as Superman, with its attendant highs and lows. It works very successfully to communicate a great deal in a few words.
My general suggestions
My only problem is in "The lows" section, when you say "I drink the other potion". While it echoes the first part, the next line does that better, and there is no "other potion" in the Superman imagery.
Technical issues
You have some tense issues in the second part. In the first part, it is all present tense, but in the second part it is a mixture. For example, I would change "Someone opened the..." to "Someone opens the..." to match the tense.
Conclusion
Very interesting poem. It may not be your usual style, but you have done well describing what it is to be a "bi-polar poetess". Write on!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I am reviewing this as part of a Simply Positive Challenge, which is how I wandered into your port.
As described, "Poetry snippets on the subject of love and relationship", these are three separate poems that feel like they are "in progress".
What I liked most Silken tresses
I am lost in the tree-bark locks dipping to your spider waist
Falling headfirst into brown eyes
I am lost in the capacity of your love.
My general suggestions
The first two snippts feel more complete. The third snippet is interesting, but a bit uneven. Actually, the first two stanzas generally workj for me, but the bit about the silver base lost me.
Technical issues
None that I could see.
Conclusion
It is a bit hard to know how to review a collection such as this, because I don't know where you plan to take it, what your goals are, etc. What I can see is interesting stuff, but, as you say, just snippets. I'd love top see more if you fill these out more.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A very clever story written to "the other woman" by the cheating guy.
What I liked most
I love the innuendo and double entendres. Well done! I also like imagining how Angela would feel reading this, even without the handy picture prompt. I also like the reference to "all the others".
My general suggestions
None that I can think of.
Technical issues
I couldn't find any issues. Good job!
Conclusion
This was clever and well constructed. I look forward to seeing what else you have written.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
An entertaining, informative and even quietly inspirational essay on hiking for the fun of it.
What I liked most
I really like the way you draw in the reader, especially a possibly reluctant non-hiker reader, by describign your own early feelings about hiking. This does well at calming any natural "I can't do it" feeling.
My general suggestions
There is a place where you say "The parks?" and then list them. It took me a minute to relate this back to the "visit all four parks" earlier in the paragraph. I'd suggest just making the either "The four parks?" or possibly "What are the four parks?"
Technical issues and kudzu, earlier -> It is hard to be sure how to punctuate this, but I'd get rid of the comma.
Conclusion
This is well written and fun. Thanks for sharing, and congratulations on getting it published.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
This story feels a bit like a sand castle on the beach. It was clearly meant to be an intriguing story wrapped around a puzzle, but the waves have come in and washed away many of the turrets, so there is mostly puzzle left.
What I liked most
I like the way the time is established via the message, so that we can place this close to the right time. This also possibly explains "the attacks".
I also really like the entire part about the "beach tree". You do an excellent job with both description and indirection.
My general suggestions
While it is fair to not tell the reader everything, it is possible to tell the reader too little. Without the synopis description, the final thing found would have been incomprehensible, and even with that clue, it is barely comprehensible. I assume that the timing is meant to indicate the issue with the mail around that time, but that is asking a lot of the reader. There also is too little follow through after the fact. I can imagine a lot of people scratching their heads, and while you might want people scratching their heads before and during a story, it is nice to give them some resolution and clarity at the end.
Technical issues
I didn't see any problems. This was very solid and well written.
Conclusion
Sometimes I stand on the beach and look at the remnants of the sandcastles and imagine what they might have been. I'm afraid, I may have to do the same with this story. Perhaps you could wait for low tide and rebuild it just a bit.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I enjoyed your essay very much.
What I liked most As Memorial Day approaches, I pray that each and every American will stop to consider the cost of the freedoms we still enjoy today. A huge price has been paid to have these freedoms!
Very nice sentiment, well presented.
My general suggestions
You use the phrase "the freedoms we still enjoy" twice in the same paragraph, and it would sound better to vary things some.
Technical issues cultural exposure that to this day, I will forever be thankful for -> This has a couple of different problems. There should be a comma after "that", but even then, you have "to this day", which means all the time up to and including the present, and "I will forever", which means all the time from now into the future. The two don't really even overlap, except possibly today. You could change this to "cultural exposure that to this day, I am thankful for" or "cultural exposure that I will forever be thankful for", but you should really change it somehow.
Even though the war was being fought far from where I was stationed, there were, however, local incidents -> In a similar way, the "Even though" and "however" serve the same purpose, and weaken the sentence a lot when both used. I would personally remove the "however", but you could also remove the "Even though" if you thought that sounded better.
dissidants -> Should be "dissidents".
we all continue to enjoy, would be a thing of the past -> The comma should be removed.
Conclusion
This was moving and authentic. It could use a bit of spit and polish to shine as brightly as it could.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A thought provoking poem about honor.
What I liked most
I liked the symetry of the opening and closing lines. I also especially liked the flow of:
For a handful of gold coins,
for an adulterous tryst,
for love of alcohol or drugs,
for a cowardly escape,
for failure to do one’s duty,
honor is forever thrown away
without a care, without regret.
My general suggestions
In the stanza starting "It’s an oddity among humans", it reads just a bit oddly. I think the issues is that you are trying to say (encapsulated) "It is odd that premise a, yet premise b", but the length of the stanza forced you to break this into two sentences. The problem is, the result is "It is odd that premise a", which it isn't particularly. I hope that what I mean is clear without my having to repeat too much of your poem, which people should read for themselves.
Technical issues
I see no problems at all. Excellent!
Conclusion
This is very well written and interesting. I am glad I had an opportunity to review it.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A beautiful story about a reassuring dream.
What I liked most She laughs and tells me that she and Hettie have been having the best time, the best she's ever had. She tells me they have been up to antics, that they have been children, little girls, up to lots of silliness and giggles.
A beautiful view of Heaven.
Technical issues
I didn't see any issues.
Conclusion
This was quite lovely. Thank you for sharing.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A powerful poem of longing and despair ending up with a promise of hope.
What I liked most So the frustrating disappointment begins to set in
It is the alcohol rambling, stammering to defend
Very powerful, although I also really like:
Please put and end to my anguish filled sorrow
And we will live to see a million tomorrows
My general suggestions
Technical issues That with stability stolen, I left unable to bend -> Should be "I'm left".
So baby, please -> Add another comma after "So".
red. swollen eyes -> Period should be removed, or possibly replaced with a comma.
Yet, no where I get as calmly I peer -> Should be "nowhere".
Right now if you chose are here for the taking -> Add commas after "now" and "chose", and change "chose" into "choose" while you are at it.
Conclusion
This was very nicely written. Having lived with the ravages of alchoholism (my mother), I know it can be a terrible disease that robs you of many things. I am glad to see it has not robbed you of hope.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
An interesting, somber poem about death and burial.
What I liked most To a place where one finds eternal rest,
or waits for it's cruel decay.
My general suggestions
While it may not be an exact translation, I think the name "Death Bed" would work as a name.
Technical issues for it's cruel decay -> Should be "its".
Conclusion
Poetic and solemn piece of poetry. I like it.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A pleasant story about a time when the weather actually cooperated on request.
What I liked most This time I went outside, looking up at the perfectly blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. "Nah, it's not going to rain." -> I liike the back and forth feeling evoked here.
Technical issues my mothers house -> Should be "mother's".
Today was her birthday. -> It sounds slightly awkward to say "Today was", since "today" sounds like the present and "was" is past tense. I'd suggest just making this "It was her birthday."
When that chore was finished I -> Add a comma after "finished".
rains coming -> Should be "rain's" as a contraction of "rain is". Conclusion
This was a nice little inspirational story. Was God on this person's side? You decide.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A poignant story about a itinerant laborer who just wants to work, but can't survive without it.
What I liked most
I like the way you start with the "good life" as this person knows it, working hard all day under a blazing sun. Then, you show why it was the good life compared to not having the work to do.
My general suggestions
I am not sure the term "strip center" is common enough. I assume you mean something like "strip shopping center", but the term seems confusing.
Technical issues
I don't see any issues. Good job!
Conclusion
I liked this story quite a bit. It was well told and touching, and more than a bit sad. I wish that it were not so real.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
Well written and well described, but seems to just stop at the end.
What I liked most
I like the way you develop the main character's personality, showing us bits about how he responds to people and giving us a feel for him.
My general suggestions
There are places in the story where it feels like you could easily show more and tell less. As an example, "moving so fast it was unbelievable" seems a little weak. How about comparing it to something really fast rather than just saying it is really fast.
I have to say, the latter part where Bill says "According to the legend, once a man has killed ‘his’ shape shifter, he doesn’t have to face one ever again" feels unbelievable. As far as these men are concerned, these are real creatures attacking them. How likely are they to believe that these creatures will mystically know not to attack a person who has killed one of their kind before. It changes it from a story with a real world feel and a slight mystery (are these really shape shifters? are they real?) to a full fledged magical story, and it doesn't make the transition well. I'd skip that part entirely.
Technical issues Just got moved in time for spring planting. -> This is missing a word, or is constructed wrong in some way. The phrase "just moved in" and the phrase "in time" seem to share the word "in". You could make this "Just arrived in time" or "Just got moved in before spring planting" or something like that.
Conclusion
There is a lot done well in this story, and a lot of good build up, but if it is really a story and not a chapter, it shouldn't stop so abruptly.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I liked the story very much. It kept my attention and moved along crisply.
What I liked most “Look, stupid, you see me driving here! You know it’s against the law to use a cell phone while you’re driving.”
I laughed out loud at this.
My general suggestions
There are a couple of lines where it feels like you are shifting slightly to Alberto's POV from Jorge's. For example, "Alberto watched the taillights in front as Jorge maneuvered around the hairpin turns. It is not clear that it is Alberto's point of view, but it felt like it was, so it fel like a point of view switch when it was Jorge's POV again. I think you could tweak it slightly to avoid that.
Technical issues Within a few days Charles contracted -> Add a comma after "days".
Finally he stabilized and slowly began to heal. -> This sentence comes directly after “If we don’t stop this thing,” one doctor said glumly, “that arm’s going to have to come off.”, which tends to indicate that the doctor stabilized, rather than Charles.
Drop your weapons! Get out of the car!” Their leader ordered. -> The word "Their" should not be capitalized.
Conclusion
This was well written and entertaining. Nice job!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A short assignment done very well, with a clever twist at the end.
What I liked most My options were clear here. I could grab the fork and stab myself in the eye, creating a diversion. - This part was great. I laughed out loud at this first option.
My mother would pass the potatoes and tell me how I should have a smaller portion as my hips weren’t getting any smaller. -> Brilliant characterization, and funny as well.
My general suggestions
For a short piece written to an assigned "prompt", this was done well. If you wanted it to be a stand-alone story, without the explanation at the top, you would need more build up.
From a formatting point of view, I usually set off the explanation of prompt or assignment by putting it in italics (using {i}This will be in italics{/i} will give you This will be in italics) or a different color (using {c:green}This will be in green{/c} will give you This will be in green).
placed perhaps a somewhat evil -> I'd skip the "perhaps".
Technical issues were secure my love life -> I think a comma would be appropriate after "secure".
dashing young man George -> Add a comma after "man".
Conclusion
This was clever and entertaining. I was glad I got a chance to read and review it. Write on!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A simple, but powerful, poem about abuse.
What I liked most
I like the very ending. It is well put. I also like the emphasis on regaining something non-physical, your ability and desire to dream.
My general suggestions
I am not sure why you use the phrase "biological brother", since that would normally be assumed if it were not stated. I am not saying it is bad, just a little odd.
Technical issues
I didn't see any problems. Good job!
Conclusion
I am never quite sure how to rate or review an item that speaks to such a horrific experience in a person's life. I try to review it as pure writing, but that isn't alwasy enough. I am sorry for your pain.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A nice job on your first love poem.
What I liked most
There is a love,
above all others
I hold dear.
Whose name
if you come close,
I'll whisper clear.
This starts just wonderfully.
My general suggestions for still you're far away -> Sounds a bit awkward. How about "for you're still far away" instead?
Technical issues here is a love
above all others
I hold true. -> Add a comma after "others".
Conclusion
This was nicely done. It is not a major work, or anything, but it is a nice little love poem. Good work!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A cute little poem talking about why we are here using Genre categories.
What I liked most For
Winners we all are, when we Fashion thoughts that
Drive us to do Inspirational things, only then
Can we grow. Learn.
My general suggestions
While I appreciate the sentiment, the poetry seems a bit strained. One reason is the bolded words, which are distracting, but even the lines by themselves don't flow in a few spots.
Technical issues
You use punctuation in some place, but not others where it might help. For example:
Although
Words are my Career, it's in my Nature
Daily Contests just might be the Death of me, but
Constant Self-help will improve my Writing.
My guess is that a period belongs after "Nature", but even then, the sentence doesn't quite make sense. It would be better as "Although Words are my Career, it's in my Nature to write" since "Words" is not a verb. Either that, or you could have "Although Words are my Career, they're in my Nature as well" or something like that.
Conclusion
This is fun, but could use a little more work to make it really great. Write on!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
This is an entertaining flash fiction story about meeting her husband and having a son.
What I liked most “Made in Japan with American Parts, Produced in Germany” -. This definitely made me smile once I understood.
My general suggestions
If it weren't flash fiction and meant to be short, I'd expand a bit on the time after dinner and before re-signing for her third tour. Just a bit, mind you, but inquiring minds want to know why she didn't take the job at the gaming company.
From a more specific programmer point of view, it seems a bit inconsistent that she was assigned "to recover the missing data" and later posted "the last of the code", since data recovery is not usually a programming job, and even if it entailed some programming, finishing the code would just be the start of recovering the data. I'd suggest that at 3AM, she check that all the data is back and the system is functional, or something that make4s sense after data recovery.
Technical issues on line -> Should be "on-line".
not so idiot -> I'd change it to "not-so-idiot".
Conclusion
This was fun, if a little light, the way flash fiction often is. Well done.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
The poem is very nice, both in terms of flow and sentiment. It is a bit bogged down by the images on the page, which make it a bit hard to even find out where it starts.
What I liked most
I liked all of it.
My general suggestions
Remove the initial images, or at least the second two, to allow the poem to show.
Technical issues Forever friends you will always be -> Add a comma after "friends".
It is a bit nitpicky, but ellipses usually use three periods.
Conclusion
This was nicely written and sweet. Make sure it can be found. Write on!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I am not normally a big fan of free verse poetry (preferring forms and rhymes and all), but your poem is everything poetry should be - emotion packed into well chosen words, expressing ideas and sentiments better than long paragraphs could.
What I liked most
I liked all of it. Perhaps the most poignant is:
Soothed by her purring
you close your eyes
but his pain-filled face
comes immediately into view
and your eyes snap open.
My general suggestions
I have none. This is beatutiful and beautifully executed as well.
Technical issues
None that I could find.
Conclusion
You have done an excellent job both showing the scene and using the cat as a reflection of life going on. I was touched and feel for your mother.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A sweet story about a small boy coming face to face with one of the finite signs of life, and learning a way to deal with it.
What I liked most a serious two-year-old cheek-to-cheek consultation -> Lovely.
My general suggestions The sight of tulips every year, brings to mind this moment in my life. -> This reads oddly. I think it would be better as "Every year, the sight of tulips brings to mind this moment in my life."
Technical issues next to the baby and I -> You are the objects of the verb, so it should be "next to the baby and me" or "next to us".
Conclusion
I enjoyed your story and the endearing peek into a young child's way of thinking. Enjoy the tulips.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
This is an entertaining and informative story introducing a newbie to WDC.
What I liked most A lady in purple waders with a fly rod thrown over her shoulder and a tackle box in hand was standing in the doorway.
It could have been anyone, but how can you resist a lady in purple waders. It fully describes the quirkiness people can demonstrate here, if they wish.
My general suggestions
There are a couple of really critical ideas missing. The two I would focus on for newbies aside from what you have are reviewing and contests. Even without going into great depth, those are areas that draw people in beyond just posting their own stuff. Most newbies seem to eventually stumble into the contests, but not all start reviewing right away, and it is good to be in it from the beginning, in my opinion.
Technical issues said, http://www.writing.com all visitors welcome -> There should be a comma before "all".
Conclusion
I enjoyed your story and its whimsical approach to introducing WDC.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
An interesting poem which attempts to use different senses and comparisons than one normally would to demonstrate the important of the U.S. flag.
What I liked most It cascades
from each pole,
Juxtaposed after the phrase "this earth spinning", this becomes a clever play on the Earth and its North and South pole, and the flag poles from which the flag flies.
My general suggestions
I had trouble with some of the comparisons, because they didn't seem to have any particular reason for being other than "being poetic" or using different sense. The whole first stanza sounds good until you try to figure out what it means:
Hoping the hard rock
will imitate intentions
sounds cool, but it isn't really supported. The second stanza makes more sense, except the "fragrance spreading peace", which seems added just to refer to another sense.
Technical issues
No issues. Nice and clean!
Conclusion
Some poems are better and better the more you read them. Unfortunately, this poem doesn't either stand up well under scrutiny or grow on you due to an overall sense. It feels a little superficial, which seems completely contrary to the point it is trying to make.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
You've done a good job setting the scene and showing the characters.
What I liked most
I liked the distraction of the window fogging up as a cover for the difficulty in their communication at first.
My general suggestions
While I like the sentiment, I have to say that in this day and age, a male grabbing and hugging a female he doesn't know out in a desolate parking lot as described here is more likely to bring a faceful of Mace than a welcome buzz. There are ways to have them connect without this sort of personal invasion of space, and while I understand you mean it in good spirit, I think many readers might react badly. Just take a look at that part and see if you can have him communicate the same warmth and connection without an involuntary bear hug.
Technical issues Do you blast the window with heat or cold if it's fogging on the inside -> This should end in a question mark. Additionally, you might want to put it in italics, as that is a good way to mark internal dialogue. Just start with {i} and end with {/i} to get the italics.
Conclusion
I liked the way you described and showed (without just telling) about the characters. As I mentioned, I think the personal contact is a fatal flaw, so I will mark down for that, but I'd be happy to re-review and re-rate if you decide to alter the story to make that part less invasive. Obviously, that is your choice, as this is your story. My opinion is just an opinion.
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