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This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I am truly torn about this script. On the one hand, it is articulate and smart and written very well. On the other hand, I don't think it would work as a play, due both to the number of characters and the staging.
What I liked most
I love the linked phrasing as the characters go through their particular issues. Reminded me of Stephen Sondheim, which is a big compliment in my mind.
My general suggestions
There are fifteen named characters, and more unnamed characters (counting not only the people you have on stage, but also the husbands/wives/boyfriends/kids you explicitly name). That is a heck of a lot for a script with about 100 sentences of dialogue. I am not sure how the audience will begin to keep track.
Technical issues
I saw none. Good work!
Conclusion
As I said, this is smart and well written. I like the message, I like the pacing, and I like the believable characters. I just think there are too many characters and too much complexity. The stage would be crowded even with minimalist props to indicate place. Even with notes in front of me, I had trouble separating the guy who had lost his job from the one who was losing his house. I'm afraid you have to pare this down if you would really like to see it performed. If you just want it read, it is probably just on the near edge of understandable. Nonetheless, you write very well, and I appreciate that. So, as I said, I am torn, and that is reflected in my rating.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
You certainly have the knack for telling a good ghost story.
What I liked most
I liked description and set up, especially in the early part where you talk about how "her tears were fogging her vision". Your language is vivid and interesting.
I thought the ending was clever, although not completely unexpected by that point.
My general suggestions
As with all stories of this sort, I want to shout at the characters "How could you be so stupid!", but the fact that I feel like shouting at them does say something about your skill.
I also had a bit of trouble with the believability of the person listening to the ghost story again. If your brother were involved, could you just sit there and quibble about it? It seems a bit of a contrived plot device, and I think could have been done better.
Technical issues
I didn't see any problems at all. Good job!
Conclusion
A well written and accomplished ghost story. I'm marking it down a bit for places where my credulity was stretched, but I will be sure to watch for your ghost/scary stories in the future, as you have a real talent for it.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
This is a nice poem, with a lovely sentiment, but it could be tightened up some, as the technical issues weigh it down.
My general suggestions
Mostly, just spend some time thinking about each description. For example:
the colors of heaven are vibrantly sheer -> OK, it rhymes, and it does mirror the "river of life is so crystal clear, but does it actually mean anything? Vibrantly transparent? I don't get it.
Technical issues I see majestic beauty all around,
his grand design leaves one astound.
I am a stickler for not using bad grammar to rhyme except in extraordinary circumstances. This is not one, as you could easily rewrite this
I see majestic beauty all around,
his grand design must one astound.
which would be grammatically correct and say almost the same thing.
the masters face -> Should be "the master's face".
to those who are weary eternities near. -> Should be "to those who are weary, eternity's near."
Heavens splendor -> Should be "Heaven's splendor".
through this angels eyes -> Should be "through this angel's eyes".
Conclusion
I think your poem is a good start, but needs some "fit and polish", both for technical issues and for some areas where meaning feels its has been sacrificed to sentiment. I'm sure you can do it! If you do have a chance to clean this up. let me know and I'd be happy to re-review and re-rate. Also, if you need some specific ideas of how to make this stronger, let me know and I'd be glad to help.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I liked this story very much. It had all the makings of an old fashioned horror tale, which are often much different that many of the modern horror stories. The ending was most satisfactory.
What I liked most
I liked the plot itself, and also the whole scene where the Banshee appears. I also love the disclaimer at the top which reassures us that these happenings were "verified by several reliable sources". That definitely made me smile.
My general suggestions
It feels like there could be a bit more transition between the very early part of the story, where you say "One thing that Charlie did not pinch pennies on was his wife Elsa", and a bit later where you have the dialogue between them where he says "I remember how you once loved me, Elsa. Or at least you said you did." It just gives a mixed message. It might help to either include some foreshadowing that the relationship was not going well earlier, or change the first to say something that sounds less voluntary than the first line above, which sounds more like he is willing to spend anything on her.
Technical issues
I didn't see any technical issues at all. Good job!
Conclusion
This was a well written and entertaining story in the moralistic horror tradition. Excellent! I have marked it down slightly due to the comments mentioned above under "My general suggestions", but only slightly, as this is very well done.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
Wow! This is quite a story, both in the plot and the telling. At first, it reminded me strongly of The Fog Horn by Ray Bradbury (google it if you don't know it - I found a copy online right away), but then it shifted in a totally unique way.
What I liked most
I liked how I never quite got my bearings, but enjoyed every minute slipping down the slippery slope to the next idea. Often, I think it is important to be clear what a story is "about", but here the ground keeps shifting, and it carried me through each step, partly because each time there had been just enough foreshadowing to have the shift make sense, even if it had not been enough to clue you in. You are quite a writer.
My general suggestions
The only wrong note in the whole story, and it was very minor was "used for excreting waste", which, while accurate, was distracting because one associates excretion with other body parts. I know what you are trying to say, but think about whether there isn't another way to say it.
Technical issues
None that I could find. Good job!
Conclusion
This was a really good read. It took on topics I wouldn't touch, but with grace and care, and it used foreshadowing in ways I wish I could show my high school English teacher, as he could never get across why the technique was important. I'll end where I started - Wow!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I enjoyed your story, and thought it well written.
What I liked most
I liked the way you used the song to weave in parts of the story. That worked quite well.
My general suggestions
Given the critical nature of the song, I think you need to work on it a bit. In particular, the lines "Two against the Land." and "And so, what could I say?" both seem weak given that the guy is supposed to make his living writing songs.
Also, although this seems minor, at the end when you write "In his mind he saw the flashing neon of Charlie’s Lounge", it felt like the specificity of the name "Charlie’s Lounge" was supposed to mean something. Later, I decided it wasn't, and you just meant the latest joint you were playing, so I think you should say "In his mind he saw the flashing neon of the latest bar in the latest town" or something like that that reflects the essential unimportance of this particular place.
Technical issues
I didn't see any problems. Good job.
Conclusion
I like the story, and think you have a good thing going, but I think a bit more polish on the song would help. Otherwise, good job!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
This sounds like an intriguing start to a story, with an unexpected goal near the end of what you have. It is pretty rough in terms of capitalization and such matters which tend to annoy readers, but quite well done in terms of description and the beginning of a character sketch.
What I liked most
I like the premise, and I also like the way you set the scene, with good descriptions such as "a fine mist slinking in with the morning air".
My general suggestions
The biggest suggestion is that you use capitalization and formatting correctly, as it is very distracting to have a story where it doesn't feel like the author cared enough to make it look its best. Showing you care makes it more likely that I will care.
I also suggest that you decide whether this is a story or a chapter or something else. Knowing which it is would make a difference in how it is read. If it is a story, it needs to be completed, but if it is a chapter, it ends pretty well, leaving the me ready to read more.
Technical issues
Capitalization is the biggest issue. Just capitalize what is supposed to be capitalized.
The other big issue is tense shifting. For example, in the beginning "i awoke that morning" is past tense, "the gardens ... were moist" is past tense, but "i peek quietly" is present tense, as are all the sentences until we get down to "It was still there", which is past tense again. You need to make everything present or everything past, but not a mixture.
the glass doors to the back gardens is open -> Should be "are" to match the plural "doors".
I bring it up, through the dirt, it glistens in the early morning light. -> You either need to make it a semicolon after the word "dirt", or a period and a new sentence.
cristened -> It should be "christened".
It was quite more romantic that way -> The word "quite" is wrong here. You could replace it with "quite a bit" or "much", but it would probably be best to just remove it, leaving "It was more romantic that way".
Conclusion
It sounds like you have a good premise and a good beginning to the story. Now, just clean it up a bit, make sure it is formatted, punctuated and capitalized correct, and fill out the ending, and you will have something fine. Write on!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
Wow! I am not much for the religiously oriented writing which often proliferates here, but this is especially well done.
What I liked most
There were several really good touches. I liked how you gave a fair bit of detail leading up to how she and her husband met, and then went on "But he persevered, and they were married the August after she graduated. Sometimes you just have to know when to leave it to the imagination.
I also really liked the way you give a feel for their life in lines such as "Over the next year the couple froze during the winter months and melted during the summer". Another delightfully understated description that still gives us all we need.
My general suggestions
I had a bit of trouble with the section where yopu describe her on the balance beam. There are two issues I see. The first is that the simile used seemed out of place. While "like satin sheets blowing in the breeze on a clothesline on a warm Spring day" is a lovely image, the point of view at this moment seems to be Jason's, and similes tend to work best if they are something the POV might conceivably think. Which raises the other issue, which is POV switch. The rest of the story is from her point of view, but this clearly seems to be his POV, and I think it is distracting. With just a small amount of tweaking, we could describe her reaction to his gazing, but the view switch isn't right.
One other minor nitpick is "One thing the Army taught the brave lad was confidence". Again, a great comment in general, but dscribing him as a "brave lad" in this context seems off, and too much like a child for what is coming. Perhaps you could use something like "One thing the Army taught him was the confident to know when to take a chance".
Technical issues
I didn't see any problems, aside from the POV switch mentioned before. Good job!
Conclusion
This is a great story, which I enjoyed very much. Thanks for sharing it, and your writing. I have taken off a bit for the POV switch, but not too much because it was outweighed by so much else done right.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I very much enjoyed your "writing credo". You have done an excellent job describing your personal motivation, and bring alive the sensation and sustenance it provides. Excellent!
What I liked most It seems that after just a mere ten minutes of letting my thoughts on the day or even just random babbling escape, my body relaxes and my super powers of mom return in full force.
Well spoken!
My general suggestions
None that I can think of, except perhaps you could write more about the students you teach and how your loving of writing does inspire them. That may be for a different piece though - I am just curious.
Technical issues
I didn't asee any problems. Good job!
Conclusion
This is well written and constructed, and shows us clearly how you feel about writing, and what it means to you. Write on!
Oh yes, and if I might make a suggestion, take a look at my "Variations - 'The Road Not Taken'" . You don't have to review it or anything, but this project that I took on for the sake of learning different poetic styles and formats has proven immensely popular, and not least among teens. The Road Not Taken is already very well liked among teens, and having your students use the theme to write their own variations, emulating a certain poet or songwriter, for example, might be an interesting activity. Just a thought.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
This was an interesting and different twist on teenage angst. I tend to think of teenage girls who look in the mirror and see somebody fat and unattractive when they are neither. I wouldn't have thought of the other side, feeling attractive but not being sure you are right and worrying that everybody is just taking pity on you.
What I liked most
My favorite line was "Whoever did the scheduling and made girls’ athletics after lunch should seriously at least spend a short time in purgatory", but my favorite aspect was the many ways Delia found to convince herself that people were just lying to her. It was sad and hard to read (having a 21 year old daughter and two teenage boys can get you all maudlin over almost anything), but well done.
My general suggestions the spot of freckles off my nose -> I think this would sound better without the "spot of", but that is just one opinion.
Technical issues My hair is shiny though I wish -> I'd add a comma after "shiny".
curiosity of what other people see -> Should be "curiosity about".
Relieved I rush to hug her -> Add a comma after "Relieved".
As I rush to the bus stop I see my friends -> Add a comma after "stop".
Tarron my bff forever -> Add a comma after "Tarron". Also, I wonder if you should use b.f.f., not because teens would, but because it might make it a bit clear to older folks (cough, me, cough) that you meant it as "best friends forever", which took me a minute to figure out.
Conclusion
Very nicely written. It ended a bit abruptly, which I am sure is just my desire for a happy ending. Otherwise, my only general complaint is that it seemed less and less believable that she would have such a basically postive opinion of her looks and still think everybody must be lying to her, especially since everybody does seem to be nice to her. I wonder if you couldn't add a hint about some reason why she might have these feelings (although, perhaps that was what Ms. Fina's comments were meant to do). I'm just not sure. Still, aside from that vague disquiet, it was very well constructed. Write on!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A lovely story, well told.
What I liked most Though it wasn’t a Lifetime movie event, it brought feelings of sadness, loneliness, and failure. -> This is a very clever way of describing the event in a way that shows us more than tells us.
My general suggestions
The transition just after that line (the "Lifetime movie") to discussion of Valentine's day feels a little off. The paragraph just doesn't feel quite as smooth. One suggestion is that instead of saying "Valentine’s Day has never been a celebrated holiday in my life", which deflates the impact of the story to some extent, you try something more like "I've never enjoyed Valentine’s Day as much as other holidays". That leaves open the chance this this will change, which is stregthened further by your next sentence which explains why you haven't. It also makes more realistic your sentence in the next paragraph, "I practically waltzed to the beautifully decorated table", which seems unlikely if this is a holiday you don't celebrate. Anyway, just a thought.
One more thing in that paragraph. You have "to see a Valentine setting", and I didn't quite know what you meant. Perhaps you could say something like "to see Valentine's decorations" or something that clarifies what you mean.
Technical issues
I don't see any problems in grammar, tense or spelling. Kudos to the middle school teacher!
Conclusion
This was very nicely done. With only a bit more work on that one paragraph, I think it would be practically perfect. Write on!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I liked this story a great deal. It veered back and forth between light and airy and then dark and creepy in a way that very entertaining, even if it took me aback a couple of times.
What I liked most
I liked many things, but my favorite line was "is this my subliminal savings account number?" I very much like the clever conjectures about what the significance of the exact figure was, but I didn't see the eventual resolution coming. Nicely done!
My general suggestions
None. I liked the whole thing.
Technical issues
I didn't see any technical problems. Good job!
Conclusion
As usual with your work, I liked the story and enjoyed the writing. Write on!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I happened on your poem in the Comedy section, and I must say I was quite amused. This is very entertaining.
What I liked most When I’m so angry I could burst,
You really shouldn't fear the worst,
I also liked the "mane course" reference.
My general suggestions
My only problem with the poem is that it doesn't have a relatively consistent syllable count. While that may seem picky, comic verse is usually even more enjoyable if it has a consistent meter. As an example, you have
Though I state I’m so hungry I'd eat a horse,
Chances are good there won’t be a mane course.
and you could make it anapestic
I say I'm so hungry that I'd eat a horse,
But chances are good it won't be the mane course.
or possibly pare it down to 8 syllables
I'm so hungry I'd eat a horse,
It won't really be the mane course.
Technical issues
None that I could find. Good job!
Conclusion
As I said, a very enjoyable and entertaining poem. I really do think you could make it more rhythmic, so I'll mark it down a bit, but otherwise a very good find. Thanks for sharing!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I enjoyed this story a great deal. I think you have done an excellent job of capturing the essence of the "common sense borne of innocence".
What I liked most
I liked the way Taylor's views reflect what he would have heard from his mother filtered through what a child would understand.
My general suggestions
I am not quite sure about the part starting "It was like so many stories I'd heard before", as it sounds like the news about the father was news, and surely he would know this about his daughter and husband. On the other hand, he has his reporter hat on ,so maybe he is trying to act the part. As I said, I am just not quite sure.
Technical issues
I couldn't find any errors at all. Good job!
Conclusion
This was a well written and pleasing story. It touched on some of the more serious sides of life, but brought us back to the gentle wonders of "Butterfly kisses and Baby Bear hugs", and the importance they play in life as well.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
This is a wonderful biographical story of your winters in Maine. Having grown up in upstate New York, I dealt with many similar winters, and your story brought back fond memories.
What I liked most
My favorite paragraph is the one starting "Looking back on this time in my life", but generally, I like the description of chopping wood and its ramifications. That also brought back fond, yet tired, memories of chopping lots and lots of wood (in Nova Scotia, rather than upstate New York).
My general suggestions Oh yeah, we measured 34 -> The "Oh yeah" sounds a bit out of place here. It usually means "I almost forgot to tell you", which doesn't make sense given what it follows, or alternatively, "Hurray", which might make sense, but is still distracting here. I'd take it out.
at a time in our small Maine town -> Probably not technically an error, but it might sound better to say "on" rather than "in" in this context.
Technical issues
You have "Christmas's", but it should be "Christmases". Granted, I had to look it up myself to be absolutely sure.
You know, that job didn't look too bad this time. -> There is something wrong with the tense, but I am not quite sure what. I am not entirely sure whether you mean it now doesn't look too bad or after your break didn't look too bad.
Conclusion
You had a few minor issues, but a heartwarming story which was well written and just the right length. Write on!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I thought this was quite well done. I must say, I was a little afraid as it started that it would be too sappy, but the emotion is handled tastefully, and the moment at the end feels real. Good job!
What I liked most
I like how the song comes back to him gently on the wind.
My general suggestions
It might be a good idea to establish his name a bit earlier. It helps to establish a character in one's head with a name attached. The way it is introduced is fine, but it comes two thirds of the way through the story, and I think you could have had one of the parents use it earlier, which would also have made them a bit more solid characters.
Technical issues
None that I saw. It is difficult to use present tense and not slip up a bit, but I didn't see any problems.
Conclusion
This was nicely done. It is not my favorite genre, but I appreciated the sentiment and the way it was told, and the end was quite lovely. Well done!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
This is a valuable message, but not necessarily presented in the best way possible.
What I liked most I gave ground until I had no where to go but the street. Finally, I put my small grocery bag and the L.A. Weekly down and told him I wasn't backing down any more. I could feel the adrenaline throbbing throughout my body.
This felt the most real to me in the story. I could picture myself standing there.
My general suggestions
Do not leave the title in all capitals.
Your post is marked for 18+, and I would strongly suggest you remove the affected "You (a seven letter word that begins with a capital "A")" and "beat the living (a four letter word that begins with S and rhymes with HIT) out of me", as they sound juvenile. If we know what the word referred to is, it is no less offensive referred to than simply used, and it stops the story dead in its tracks.
standing before a storefront, they were separated by about 15 feet. -> This would sound better tightened up to be "standing before a storefront, separated by about 15 feet."
I don't write this letter to glorify myself, only the action. -> If you have to say it, you have recognized the problem yourself. Instead of saying it, fix it. This letter does indeed come off as self serving.
You refer to "The tearful thank you of the wife" after the fact as justification, but I can't find where that supposedly happened in the story.
Technical issues
There are a number of commas missing and you use multiple dashes where a single one would suffice. Otherwise, I don't see any problems.
Conclusion
I think this is a valuable message and the scene is described well, but the telling of it leaves me a bit cold. I think you could tighten it up and make it read better - as evidenced in other works of yours I have reviewed, "Invalid Item" and "THE WRITERS PLY THEIR TRADE" . I like your writing, but this is just too sprawling and preachy.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
This is a warm and wonderful story of a much loved pet, and how he will live forever in your heart. It is also a sad tale of a pet who has come to the end of his life.
What I liked most
I like how you describe his reading your moods. As a cat person, I have not experienced that, but I have known many people who describe it in terms somewhat this way, and you communicate it very well.
My general suggestions
None that I can think of.
Technical issues I was traumatized, and thinking that -> Should be "thought".
The only other issue I see is a bit of a problem with commas. While these do not harm the story greatly, I'll point out some of the places I found so that if you like, you can fix them up.
One day[comma] while taking one of his hyperactive tears through the yard[comma] he knocked me flat on my back.
but I always forgot the words[comma] so I just
If I was sad[comma] he would listen[change comma to semicolon] if I was happy[comma] he would play
Hey there[comma] Killer
Conclusion
This was truly well done. Despite the few technical errors above, you have written a beautiful and moving tribute to your beloved dog. Thank you for sharing your experience with all of us.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
This is a poignant and sad poem that feels like it could be even more powerful with a bit of work.
What I liked most
I liked the ending very much. How much we would like to communicate to our children to save them from making mistakes or feeling pain.
My general suggestions
The only issues with this are some cleanup issues.
Technical issues
You use both "daddy’s girl" and "Daddy’s girl", and while either is acceptable, you should stick to just one form as otherwise it looks bad.
"Why does she allow his wife to kick her?" -> I am not sure whether this should be Why does he, which would make more sense. If not, it is a bit awkward to use both "she" and "her" in the same line to mean different females (first daughter and then wife).
Conclusion
I liked the poem and the sentiment, but it felt a bit rushed and a bit short. Still, the ending compelled me to give it a slightly higher rating than I otherwise would have.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
This is a pleasant poem, but it feels like it could be more. As I say below, this may be due to contest constraints, but I can only judge based on what I see here.
What I liked most At the mouth of the Hudson
Her outstretched hand
Holds up the torch
For freedom she stands
I liked this stanza. I also liked the repetition of the first and last stanzas, tieing the poem together.
My general suggestions
When writing for a contest, it helps considerably to let the reader know if there are any special constraints in terms of prompt, format, line count or whatever might change the perception of the piece. Absent that information, the work can often not be judged very fairly.
Assuming there were no constraints, I would strongly suggest working on a consistent meter, as it helps this sort of poem feel more "intentional". The differing lengths and not exact rhymes make the poem feel a little rushed. In addition, there does not feel like a sequence to the poem. The reference to the "Black Tom Explosion" is highly specific and mixed with other references that are highly general. Perhaps a semi-chronological sequence of events in the statue's history would help make a coherent sequence, which could still be tied together by the opening and closing stanzas.
Technical issues
I do not see any particular issues. Good job!
Conclusion
As I said, I liked the poem, but it felt too short and too rushed. A bit more work on a consistent meter and exact rhymes, along with some coherence given by a sequence of events, or some other sequence, would make this much stronger. As always, these are my opinions, so take them for what helps and leave them for what does not.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
This is a warm and wonderful family story, and I can certainly see why you would take it on as your own.
What I liked most
Having grown up south of Buffalo, New York, I loved the whole description of how weather is dealt with. Very true! I also liked the coziness of the house and how there was "a lot of whispering and laughter long into the night. You certainly know how to paint a picture of family togetherness.
My general suggestions
There were a couple of places where the word choice could have been a bit better.
You have "In fact, they plan their events and they plan on the weather being bad." and I would have gone with something more like "Instead, they plan their events and then plan on the weather being bad." because the repeated "they" and because it adds more of a sense of sequence.
You have "she threw together an old pumpkin bread recipe she always had" and I would probably change the "always" to "already", as it seems to better make the point that this was an existing recipe, and because it sounds less awkward.
Technical issues
I don't see anything. Good job!
Conclusion
This was lovely, and I am glad to have come across it as part of the Simply Positive review forum. Thanks for sharing this, and I look forward to see what else you may have written.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I enjoyed the chapter, and think it has a lot of promise. There are some issues that would be worth addressing.
What I liked most
I love the idea of naming the orphans after storybook characters. That was a clever touch. I also really liked the scene where she sees the table and wonders why the attractive woman sitting there isn't besieged by frat boys. Rather than jumping straight into the table, you lead us into it the way she was led into it. Good job!
My general suggestions
This is a bit hard to describe, but you need to mix up your sentence structure a bit. Look at the first three paragraphs of your chapter. There are twenty four sentences, and ten of those sentences start with the word "She". "She shifted", "She didn’t know", "She had been excited", "She was ready", "She wanted", " She had", "She wanted", "She wanted" (again), "She refused" and so on. It gets hard to follow, and this is just the part of your chapter that you need to reach out and grab people. It feels like you could replace the first two paragraphs with "Amy walked from table to table at the job fair, with nothing to show for it but a few pens with logos."
Technical issues none to happy with her -> Should be "too".
No one knows why, and that included herself. -> Should be "knew" to match the tense around it.
It was in two day, -> Should be "days".
Conclusion
You have a good plot, a good character and a generally good story line. As is frequently the case, your first few paragraphs could practically be skipped. You also have some tightening to do with regards to repetitive sentences. It should not take too much effort to focus on the sentences and make them a bit more varied. I am marking this a little low in hopes that you will clean it up and let me know, as I'd love to come back and rate it higher and give it a better review. Write on!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
I found this poem very touching. The sentiments and feelings came across well.
What I liked most
I liked the way you repeated, almost as a refrain, "I guess they’re just mine now" and "I guess this is just yours now". It was a very effective way to show the separation, but also the disbelief that it is over. Nicely done.
My general suggestions
The formatting is a little awkward, although I am not quite sure how you could handle it better. There are many lines which trailing into the next just a bit, and it looks odd.
Technical issues
You switch tenses some between past and present. I'd normally count that more against the poem, but it almost feels right in this poem which mingles the past and the present.
Conclusion
I liked this, but more than that, it moved me, which I didn't expect. This is not my sort of poetry, really, both because it is free verse and because it is about breakups, and I've never gone through one (and after 24 years of marriage, I hope I never do). Nonetheless, I thought it was very effective how you went backwards to the coffee shop.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
Very entertaining. I enjoyed your poem.
What I liked most I swear my cycle might have skipped
when she tested her Javascript.
LOL.
Issues and suggestions
While entertaining, there are a few... bugs, shall we say. One is due to pronounciation: "cache rhymes with "dash" - the word you are think of is "cachet". Others are due to a mixture of tenses: I found (past) I can't seem (present) She never raises (present) She even made (past) But I knew (past) I hope she comes (present)
If these were necessary to make the poem flow, it might be one thing, but most could be avoided with only slight alteration, by switching "raises" to "raised", for example.
Conclusion
Again, I like the spirit and enthusiasm of the poem, and I think the ending is great, but I have to mark this lower due to the technical issues. I'd be happy to re-rate if you clean up the issues.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
This is a beautiful and moving story. I loved reading it. Unfortunately, it has a host of technical issues which make it harder to read than it should be. I will idebtify as many as I can to help you make this story as wonderful as it deserves.
What I liked most
I loved that the daughter was so strong even while she was weak. She learned all about her ailments and kept the doctors on track. That was very real.
My general suggestions
Get a good editor. I mean this seriously, as you write very well, but have a lot of technical issues, and a good editor (or perhaps I mean proofreader, as I am not sure who does what) could help considerably.
Technical issues requests that name -> Should be "requested" to match tense.
she has had enough of that -> Should be either "she had had or, since that can sound awkward, "she'd had", but this must match the past tense.
Noni has been treading -> Should be "Noni had beento match the past tense.
They are speaking a foreign -> Should be "They were".
her condition then her specialists -> Should be "than".
I cannot catalog every issue, but there are a number of additional tense switches.
Conclusion
This is a wonderful, heartfelt story that deserves to shine. Your writing is intense and real, but you need to find someone who can help you polish the diamond in the rough. I wish I could be that person, but I simply don't have enough time. But please, do not get discouraged. Write on!
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