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Review of Underestimated  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am judging your poem as part of Round 19 of the Pond Poetry - ON HIATUS!  contest. I appreciate your sharing your work, and hope that this review can be of some use.


Round 19 Prompt: July

Round 19 Form: Monchielle
The Monchielle is a poem that consists of four five-line stanzas where the first line repeats in each verse. Each line within the stanzas consists of six syllables, and lines three and five rhyme.

The rhyme pattern is thus Abcdc Aefgf Ahiji Aklml.


Overall impression
A fun and inventive take on the prompt and the contest.

Technical adherence to form and prompt
You followed the form well, and choose and interesting and unique story. Your use of the prompt was a bit peripheral, but certainly acceptable.

What I liked most
I liked the way you told a story, rather than just describing a place or holiday. The scenario is described well, and you have a moral, which is fun to see. In a twist, your first line makes more and more sense as you progress. Well done!

My general suggestions and technical concerns
By the third stanza, you are starting to squeeze things a bit to meet the form, and they sound more stilted. For example, the following sounds forced:

And mounting on the fly
Said that, "I'll be careful
So you won't have to sigh."


It is also somewhat frowned on to repeat the rhyme (from the third and fifth lines) in multiple stanzas. If you choose to extend the form, you can say that they all rhyme, thus making an intentional pattern but if only some rhyme, it is considered sloppy.

Rating and Rationale
Your poem was well written and followed the form carefully, without sounding very choppy. I have awarded this four stars, and would encourage you to keep writing and stretching your skills. This shows a lot of promise. Best of luck in the contest!
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Review of Endeavor  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)
(suser:huntersmoon}, I am judging your poem as part of Round 18 of the Pond Poetry - ON HIATUS!  contest. I appreciate your sharing your work, and hope that this review can be of some use.


Round 18 Prompt: Quotation "Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer." ~Ted Williams

Round 18 Form: Tri-Fall
A Tri-Fall consists of three stanzas. Each stanza must have 6 lines. The rhyme pattern for each stanza is a/b/c/a/b/c, and the syllable count for each is 6/3/8/6/3/8. This form was created by Jan Turner. There usually isn't a whole lot of punctuation in a Tri-Fall, but can be included if it helps the poem as a whole.

Overall impression
I like this poem quite a bit. It stretches beyond the prompt to glean a bigger picture from the theme, which is good.

Technical adherence to form and prompt
The tri-fall has no meter requirement, but it does have a strict syllable count requirement and rhyme scheme. You have followed the syllable counts fairly well with one exception. By my count:

6/3/8/6/3/8
6/3/8/8/3/8 (two extra syllables on the fourth line)
6/3/8/6/3/8


Your rhymes are good, with only the pair "comfort/sport" a bit iffy. Your use of the prompt is clever and carried out well.


What I liked most
I like the last stanza, where you pull together the poem and make clear the connection to the Ted Williams quote.

My general suggestions and technical concerns
With a precise form like this, count and re-count, as it can be frustrating to realize later that you miscounted syllables and this missed the form by a bit.

Rating and Rationale
I gave thus four stars for its excellent theme and fairly close following of the form. I also felt the rhymes were good, and the word choices went beyond simply finding a rhyme to expressing higher ideas. Good job!
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Review of Baseball  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I am judging your poem as part of Round 18 of the Pond Poetry - ON HIATUS!  contest. I appreciate your sharing your work, and hope that this review can be of some use.


Round 18 Prompt: Quotation "Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer." ~Ted Williams

Round 18 Form: Tri-Fall
A Tri-Fall consists of three stanzas. Each stanza must have 6 lines. The rhyme pattern for each stanza is a/b/c/a/b/c, and the syllable count for each is 6/3/8/6/3/8. This form was created by Jan Turner. There usually isn't a whole lot of punctuation in a Tri-Fall, but can be included if it helps the poem as a whole.

Overall impression
A fun poem that seems to cry out to be just a bit more feisty and not so simple.

Technical adherence to form and prompt
The tri-fall has no meter requirements, but it does have a strict syllable count requirement and a rhyme scheme. Congratulations! You met the syllable count perfectly, which was a real challenge for some contestants. Your rhymes were also correct, although partly through being very simple rhymes, and by rhyming "ball/all" in the first stanza and "all/ball" in the second.

With the prompt, you did a bit less well. You certainly followed the prompt, but almost too carefully, not really bringing anything else in. Prompts should inspire you in some way, and while there are moments of inspiration, you could get a bit more wild and risky with the ideas.

What I liked most
The game is loved by all.
We sit in
hot, sweltering bleachers to see
a grown man hit a ball


I like the mild sarcasm implied by these two ideas together. I think you could do even more with this.

My general suggestions and technical concerns
It is a challenge to meet syllable requirements and rhyming requirements and still add color and life to a poem, but it can be done. See if you can come up with more lively rhymes with a bit more variety, perhaps continuing the slightly sarcastic tone I mentioned above.

Also, it seemed at the end of the poem as if you simply repeated the prompt, rather than being inspired by it. See if you can draw some bigger message or theme, or possibly demonstrate the idea rather than just restating it.

Rating and Rationale
I gave this three and a half stars because it has some very good ideas wrapped into it that promise even better things. While parts of the poem are somewhat forced (e.g., "buy big cars,
big houses, their wild oats are sown" is clever in concept, but feels very awkward as worded), the form was followed well and there is an entertaining tone you could probably expand on.
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Review of Waves  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
One of the oddest things about Writing.com is that the "newbies" are sometimes more talented than many of the veterans. It is always a surprise to run into a really wonderful bit of writing or a strong voice in a new member.

This is a very good poem. It has a couple of rough edges, and could be improved, but it has loads of promise and is worth the effort.

What I liked most
Obviously, you have experience with poetry, whether through reading or writing, and have both made your nods to the mythological and used lots of simile and metaphor. I particularly like some of the more quirky of these, such as my favorite lines:

The turquoise blue cordial
Kissed by the summer
Crashes on quiet
Like the beat of a drummer


where it feels like you show not only the comparison between the waves and the drummer, but the ever changing mix between the calm and the wild which is inherent in the ocean.

My general suggestions
There may be almost too many different metaphors, each stanza packed with multiple images. I can't quite decide whether this is an intentional attempt to mirror the wild and changing see, or just an overactive attempt to pack in every thought and not save any for the next poem.

On a more serious note, there are a few places where a little more polishing might make things work better, especially given that you could move toward a steady five beats per line rather than a mix of five or six with no set pattern. For example, you have:

Take me to a land
Of surging green swells,
Whitewater tinkling
Like the ringing of bells


The last line would be stronger if you removed the first word, to give you either:

Whitewater tinkling
The ringing of bells


In general, take a look at the first words of each line, and see how many are weak or joining words: The, That, Of, Like, Are. See if there are places where you can make the beginning of the line more catchy. For instance, let's look at one stanza:

They break like fine china
With white booming spray,
The ripples are sand dunes,
They’re dawn’s breaking day


I don't want to rewrite for you, but could you start with "Fragile fine china" as the first line, and somehow move the breaking to the beginning of the next line? I guess it would break the meter a bit, but take a look at that sort of transformation.


Technical issues
I didn't see any real problems. Good job!

Conclusion
This is a very good poem, with great imagery, that could use a bit of empowerment in its lines. I look forward to reading more of your work.


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Review of Backseat Driver  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
I had some difficulty with this poem, because I very much like parts, but the fundamental idea seems to have gotten lost (or perhaps just flew over my head). An ambitious attempt, since writing acrostic monorhyme is not easy, but with the title and theme missed somehow.

What I liked most
My favorite parts were that you attempted this at all, as it is an interesting and challenging format, and that you documented the format at the bottom, which always pleases me.

My general suggestions
As it says fairly well on Wikipedia, "A backseat driver is a vehicle passenger who is not controlling the vehicle and seems to be uncomfortable with the skills of the driver and/or wants to tutor the driver while the driver is at the wheel."

But your young fellow never talks during the entire poem, and at the end says something which may be accustatory, but has nothing to do with the mom's driving. The whole concept of backseat driving seems missed, which seems such a shame because the poem is interesting and fun. This is also a very hard thing to adjust in an acrostic.

Finally, this sort of poem works better if there is a consistent, or even fairly consistemt meter or syllable count, but these lines are all over the place.

My Rating and Rationale
I gave this a 3.5, because the writing was fun and clever, but the meaning of the poem didn't match the acrostic, and the lines were long and choppy. It is good, but could be much better.

Thanks for entering the Invalid Item . Please do not edit your poem until we are finished with the judging. Best of luck!


Official Gaggle of Guys Review
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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
An excellent and well written article about the careless regard for copyright on the Internet, and especially in mail forwards.

What I liked most
The title grabbed me from the side listing (although I am not even sure whether it was sponsored or a reviewer link).

The section of the article where you discuss the "crying eagle" image was particularly well done. This iconic image is so widely known, most readers could probably remember having seen it themselves, and yet few have probably ever followed through to discover where it originated and the person whose copyright is being violated.

My general suggestions
I am not sure whether the originator of the "eagle crying" image is shy and refused to have his/her name printed, but it seems unlikely as a professional graphic artist. I think the point of the article would be even better served if you had a name or two to put to your "anonymous".

Technical issues
I saw none. Good job!

Conclusion
I was very glad to see this link and read your article. I have never been a fan of mail forwards, and as a software developer, I am very concerned about the general sense of entitlement the public shows about intellectual property and creative works. This article does an excellent job of laying out the points in an engaging way. Thanks!


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Review of He Is Pleased  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A pleasing little poem combining the essence of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" with the spirituality which underlies the season.

What I liked most
I like the gentle tone, and especially:

While snow
Gently falls,
Inside.... people gather
And sing "Deck The Halls".


My general suggestions
I think this could easily be expanded a bit to encompass other parts of the season.

Technical issues
None that I saw. Good job!

Conclusion
It was a pleasure see your poem. Thanks for sharing!


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Review of ~ Secrecy  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance as part of a Just Because I Want To Premium package gifted to you by ~WhoMe???~ .
Review 5 of 5.


Overall impression
A palindrome poem which cycles back on itself.

What I liked most
You did a good job with a difficult form. I liked the "Silent lies" and "Lies silent" pair the best.

My general suggestions
The "Fro and to" is a bit awkward. Perhaps "back and forth" and "forth and back" would be better, but I'm not sure. That is the one pair that is not quite as even.

Technical issues
I see no problems.

Conclusion
A fun and interesting attempt at a Palindrome poem, a form with which I was not familiar, but whose name pretty much describes the form.


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Review of me and him  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A powerful poem about a daughter missing a father who left.

What I liked most
I like how you make the point that you have a father, he is just not there:

t's not like i don't have a father
because everyone does
it's just that mine is not with me
we don't live in the same house
we're not sharing the same dinner table
he doesn't send me to school everyday
he don't give me presents during my birthdays
he's just...
..not here


My general suggestions
It is hard to know exactly how to review such a poem. It is powerful and from the heart, so telling you to do this or that might violate the sense of the poem.

Conclusion
Keep on writing! You have a strong voice, and it was a pleasure to read your thoughts.


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Review of ~~The Cold Tide  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance as part of a Just Because I Want To Premium package gifted to you by ~WhoMe???~ .
Review 3 of 5.


Overall impression
A visually enticing poem in a difficult form, constructed fairly well.

What I liked most
I like the creepy tone and sense-stimulating language.

My general suggestions
Aside from the technical issues, not much.

Technical issues
seeing and reaping and reaching -> Do not really rhyme, and in this sort of form, perfect or close to perfect rhymes sound better.

Remorse can not hide. -> Should be "cannot"

Conclusion
This was fun to read. I've never tried that form, but it looks interesting.


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Review of Untitled  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A horror story without a title. I'd suggest "Lost in your eyes" or "Missing".

What I liked most
I like the way the scene in the basement unfolds. That is well handled.

My general suggestions
I like the way the story is told, but the last bit, which is critical, needs a bit of fleshing out. Also, I think this would be more effective is there were more of a visual impression of Julie early on. While you hop right into the action, which is good, a bit of thought about Julie would bring her to life, and thus later make the scene more poignant. You might even be able to get the reader to figure it out before Jasper does if you handle the hair and eyes carefully.

Conclusion
A good horror story (not my favorite genre, but I have read a few). Keep on writing, polishing and soliciting reviews, as that will help you with ways to improve the work even more. Write on!


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Review of Rockers  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A poem that seems to try to be "cool" but doesn't quite pull it off.

What I liked most
The poem starts off with a promising few lines:

I wanted to follow you out to that revel;
the night was still young,
at least for a rebel.


My general suggestions
Unfortunately, the lines that follow drift into an almost stream of consciousness that doesn't work well.

Conclusion
I'd really think about where you are going with this. It seems like you started with a good idea, then got lost in trying too hard to impress.


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Review of There Was a Boy  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
Boy meets girl, girl has designs on boy, boy finds God.

What I liked most
I like the rhythm of the piece, and especially the stanza:

There was a girl with a talent
pressing up against the boy
She spoke a lot but not to God
they failed to find real joy.


My general suggestions
Try a more consistent meter and more true rhymes. While it is not always necessary to have meter and rhymes, this piece reaches for them and falls a bit short.

Also, despite the moderately paced leadup, the last stanza just springs the boy talking to God on you with no warning. Perhaps another stanza before that could ease the transition.

Conclusion
Good effort, and with a little polish, this could be very good.

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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good poll. I was curious to see the results as well as to take it. You might want to add one option, which is "I pick from the list of most recently modified items" which is what I usually do and isn't really mentioned. I am intrigued that so many people pick by genre/type.
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Review of Insanely Happy  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A slightly insane poem about murderous insanity.

What I liked most
I like how you repeat the first and last lines, "I watch your funny face", which ties the poem together well.

I also really liked the humor in

I do not smile often,
But this I will admit,
Deserves a smile, maybe more,
As you gush a little bit.


That last line moved you from a 3 to 3.5.

My general suggestions
See if you can focus on each stanza to make it stand on its own better. Also, if you are going to make a poem that essentially tells a story or captures a sequence of thoughts or ideas, make sure each stanza carries that forward.

The stanza that seems to miss on both counts is the second to last:

They say pure joy and happiness,
Is thought to be very rare,
A sly smirk upon my face,
We've seen who likes a scare.


If you had followed the first two lines with something that built on the "pure joy" idea as a bit more of a clue into this person's mind, it would have been find, but as it is, the last line seems like little more than a rhyme squeezed in without real meaning. What does liking a scare have to do with "pure joy and happiness"?

Technical issues
In your description of the poem, you have "Poem describing someones death." and it should be "someone's" as it is possessive.

Conclusion
Welcome to Writing.com! It is good to have you here and get a chance to read your poetry. Don't be discouraged if it takes a bit to learn your way around and how to get the most out of this community. We try to be supportive (Write on!) but also constructive (writers need honest feedback to become better writers). I hope you can help us and we can help you, as this is a community of peers where everyone has something to offer.


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A powerful, disturbing yet irresistible, sketch of some of the beggars in India.

What I liked most
It was quite powerful how you wrote from the perspective of the individual beggars, yet called them by names such as Brokenback Finger Man. They became more real and more individual, while simultaneously more anonymous and generic. This worked very well to communicate the dual messages that these are real people, and that they are essentially forgotten as well.

Your language is wonderful. Lines such as "The days stretch out torturously: a chain with links of sleep, rotating around the crank of the rack that will stretch him beyond recognition." and "Dreaming of crumpets, they lick wet sambar out of the earth." make this a compelling read and lead to the relatively high rating I give this piece.

My general suggestions
The content rating should be higher, probably 13+, but at least ASR. As a moderator, I could change it, but I'd prefer to leave it to you to adjust.

Aside from this, I guess my only suggestion would be to expand on this, perhaps shifting to the perspective of one who walks by these people. Currently, this is only a sketch (as you properly identified it), but you are clearly capable of making it even more.

Technical issues
It was a bit disconcerting the way the lines were broken up. I think it would read better as proper paragraphs, rather than with a newline before almost every line.

Conclusion
It is a pleasure to have writers such as yourself join Writing.com. It can sometimes be a bit bewildering and intimidating at first, especially since there is such an eclectic mix of writers, some with little talent but much emotion, some with great talent and egos to match. I encourage you to stay around and see if you can separate the wheat from the chaff and get the best of what this site has to offer.


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Review of Guardian  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
An excellent and masterful entry in the 14 Days, 7 Prompts, 1 Story Contest . Each day, I looked forward to reading your entry almost as much as I looked forward to writing my own.

What I liked most
The way you showed Master Cho's patience and wisdom in each entry was very well done. There were hints as to how he would guard the city, but it was still a surprise when it came to battle, and another surprise afterwards.

My general suggestions
As much fun as it is reading this for the contest, I'd suggest making a clean copy without the bold or rules (you can link back to the original), as they are slightly distracting. I think the story will hold up well on its without reference to the contest.

Technical issues
None that I saw, although I wasn't reading closely for grammar or spelling or that sort of thing.

Conclusion
Well, if I were a judge... but I am a fully contestant, so I'll just say, Bravo!


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Review of Guitar/lover  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
An interesting poem about a guitar, and how it relates to a guitarist lover.

What I liked most
I like the premise of the poem, and it is clear that you have poured your passion into it.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
To start with, I'd suggest that you change the rating to 18+.

I have a bit of trouble reviewing a poem like this, because it clear contains a lot of your imagery and spirit. It just doesn't work very well as a poem. The idea is good, and you make some effort at imagining the connections between the lover and the guitar, but it just doesn't come off as very lyrical or poetic. You have worked quite hard, obviously, at choosing your words to denote both the lover and the guitar, and it is very clever, but it seems to have lost some of the beauty in getting to the cleverness. See if you can step back from the analogy and read this aloud as poetry, and I think you will find it is missing some rhythm or flow that would make it more poem and less clever.

Obviously, this is just my opinion, and others may feel differently. I am just trying to give you an honest assessment of the poem as I read it.

Conclusion
A fair poem that is striving to be a really good poem, but needs some polish and poeticism.


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Review of Sunrise!!  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A lovely poem for your true love. Nicely done.

What I liked most
I like that you have gone beyond simple comparisons to draw an emotional picture. I also like that you have some sense of structure, which shows up through and especially in the echoed lines "Of you", "Of your hair", and "Of your silky smile". My favorite lines:

The echo an enchanting mood
Gathering in the scented wisps
Of your hair.


Suggestions/Technical Issues
Not a lot to suggest, except to branch out even more into description and color. You have a hint of multiple senses, but I'd go even further and explore taste and smell as well as touch and sight and sound.


Conclusion
A very nice love poem. Write on!


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Review of Vanishing  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A nice haiku about floating away on the wind.

What I liked most
I like the words you chose, "waft away" and "Curls of smoke", which evoke a sense of adventure and action.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
This meets all the specifications for a haiku, and the spelling, etc. is good.

Conclusion
Nice effort. More of an American haiku as it is less contemplative and more active, but I like that. Write on!


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A very enjoyable read. Well done!

What I liked most
I like the premise that Wiken and his men study the situation and use brains rather than brawn to get ahead. In support of this, I love the sentence, "his stood in direct contrast with the highly successful Screaming Horde strategy favored by most marauders of the middle ages."

Suggestions/Technical Issues
They King is arrogant -> Should be either "Their King" or "The King".

I would suggest that you rethink the name, or else rethink the statement by the scout. Once the scout had made the report, backed up by the name of the King, it seemed fairly clear (to me at least) what Wizen would need to do. I think if you downplayed the arrogance just a bit in the scout's report, and perhaps even changed the king's name to something that sounded slightly less negative, it would work better. For example, if he were known as King Oliver the Omnipotent (which a king would gladly accept), and the scout said, "The King is very proud. He dresses fancy and is quick to anger. He imprisons any subject who questions his omnipotence.", the reader would still get the message at the end but it would be a bigger surprise, because you would have distracted the reader by suggesting what would happen to a subject, but not suggested what the same approach might instigate with an outsider.

Conclusion
A very good story. Excellent flash fiction!


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A sad poem about the loss of a dear sister.

What I liked most
If emotion were all that mattered in a poem, this would be a five star, easily. You communicate your loss and the wonder of your sister in all your words.

God must have wanted you by his side.
After all, you were the pride in everyone's eyes.


Suggestions/Technical Issues
The poem is not as good as the emotion it evokes, although it isn't bad. You might want to be consistent in choosing either to rhyme or not. Since you rhyme at the beginning, it feels odd that you don't maintain that throughout. There are also word choices that could be more compelling. For example, you have "your voice made a bad person turn good{/b", which is a wonderful sentiment, but can you come up with a more eloquent way of saying that?

Conclusion
A lovely poem about the loss of a sister and dear friend.


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Review of Pierrot  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A moody and dark story about a run down character and his eventual destiny.

What I liked most
I like the mood that was set, and the way the characters talk to each other. Those felt realistic.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
It is very hard to read parts of this because you miss a lot of indefinite articles, such as "a" and "the". For example, you have "in ordinary situation", and it should be "in an ordinary situation", and you have "the way to tobacco shop" and it should be "the way to the tobacco shop"

Conclusion
A fairly good story, marred by some serious technical issues, mostly with missing words and chopped sentences that are hard to read.


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Review of Flow  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A nice little poem about relationships.

What I liked most
I thought this had a pleasant feel to it, with rhymes that were generally thought out well and a good message.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
It is often good in a rhyming poem to have a somewhat consistent meter or cadence. A true meter would be something like da DUM da DUM da DUM, but even if you don't want to go that far in structuring the poem, try to make sure that your lines feel like they follow a pattern. For example:

Don't try to hold it back
or to keep it bound
Just let it go and enjoy the
treasures that can be found.


This is a nice verse, but look at the syllable counts: 6/5/8/6 It is often good to aim either for roughly regular counts (such as all about 6 syllables, for example) or alternating long short (such as 8/5/8/5). To make the first work with this stanza, you could just shorten the third line and have:

Don't try to hold it back
or to keep it bound
Just let go and enjoy
treasures that can be found.


This gives you a fairly consistent rhythm. It also, by chance, eliminates one of the three repeated uses of "it" in this stanza, and also avoids ending a line with "the", which is often a sign of a less-than-smooth verse.

Now, you could also change the second line if you liked, and both smooth it out and make it also 6 syllables:

Don't try to hold it back
or keep it tightly bound
Just let go and enjoy
treasures that can be found.


With this you have almost exactly the same verse as before, but with every line a consistent syllable count, no weak ending words an fewer repetitions. This is the sort of cleaning and honing which often makes a good poem into a much better one.

Conclusion
A good poem that could use a bit of polish, but has a good heart. Write on!


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.


Overall impression
A wonderfully captivating story, well written, purporting to show how sin entered humankind.

What I liked most
I thought the descriptions were great, especially of the scene with Eve and the snake. Very vivid, and all written in such a way as to make it hard to put down.

Suggestions/Technical Issues
I didn't see any issues, except for the somewhat overriding logical issue that if she were the mother of us all, why are only a few selected, and why do they need to be bitten? The logic seems to fall on its face at the last moment, but perhaps it doesn't matter in the end. It just doesn't quite make sense to me.

Conclusion
You are a very good writer, and I enjoy the flow and phrasing of your stories. This one seemed to have a logical flaw, but certainly no other serious flaws. I was a little unsure whether to give this a 4 or 4.5 star based on the logic issue, but decided the writing is the main thing and stuck with the 4.5.


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