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This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A horror story without a title. I'd suggest "Lost in your eyes" or "Missing".
What I liked most
I like the way the scene in the basement unfolds. That is well handled.
My general suggestions
I like the way the story is told, but the last bit, which is critical, needs a bit of fleshing out. Also, I think this would be more effective is there were more of a visual impression of Julie early on. While you hop right into the action, which is good, a bit of thought about Julie would bring her to life, and thus later make the scene more poignant. You might even be able to get the reader to figure it out before Jasper does if you handle the hair and eyes carefully.
Conclusion
A good horror story (not my favorite genre, but I have read a few). Keep on writing, polishing and soliciting reviews, as that will help you with ways to improve the work even more. Write on!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
Boy meets girl, girl has designs on boy, boy finds God.
What I liked most
I like the rhythm of the piece, and especially the stanza:
There was a girl with a talent
pressing up against the boy
She spoke a lot but not to God
they failed to find real joy.
My general suggestions
Try a more consistent meter and more true rhymes. While it is not always necessary to have meter and rhymes, this piece reaches for them and falls a bit short.
Also, despite the moderately paced leadup, the last stanza just springs the boy talking to God on you with no warning. Perhaps another stanza before that could ease the transition.
Conclusion
Good effort, and with a little polish, this could be very good.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A slightly insane poem about murderous insanity.
What I liked most
I like how you repeat the first and last lines, "I watch your funny face", which ties the poem together well.
I also really liked the humor in
I do not smile often,
But this I will admit,
Deserves a smile, maybe more,
As you gush a little bit.
That last line moved you from a 3 to 3.5.
My general suggestions
See if you can focus on each stanza to make it stand on its own better. Also, if you are going to make a poem that essentially tells a story or captures a sequence of thoughts or ideas, make sure each stanza carries that forward.
The stanza that seems to miss on both counts is the second to last:
They say pure joy and happiness,
Is thought to be very rare,
A sly smirk upon my face,
We've seen who likes a scare.
If you had followed the first two lines with something that built on the "pure joy" idea as a bit more of a clue into this person's mind, it would have been find, but as it is, the last line seems like little more than a rhyme squeezed in without real meaning. What does liking a scare have to do with "pure joy and happiness"?
Technical issues
In your description of the poem, you have "Poem describing someones death." and it should be "someone's" as it is possessive.
Conclusion
Welcome to Writing.com! It is good to have you here and get a chance to read your poetry. Don't be discouraged if it takes a bit to learn your way around and how to get the most out of this community. We try to be supportive (Write on!) but also constructive (writers need honest feedback to become better writers). I hope you can help us and we can help you, as this is a community of peers where everyone has something to offer.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A powerful, disturbing yet irresistible, sketch of some of the beggars in India.
What I liked most
It was quite powerful how you wrote from the perspective of the individual beggars, yet called them by names such as Brokenback Finger Man. They became more real and more individual, while simultaneously more anonymous and generic. This worked very well to communicate the dual messages that these are real people, and that they are essentially forgotten as well.
Your language is wonderful. Lines such as "The days stretch out torturously: a chain with links of sleep, rotating around the crank of the rack that will stretch him beyond recognition." and "Dreaming of crumpets, they lick wet sambar out of the earth." make this a compelling read and lead to the relatively high rating I give this piece.
My general suggestions
The content rating should be higher, probably 13+, but at least ASR. As a moderator, I could change it, but I'd prefer to leave it to you to adjust.
Aside from this, I guess my only suggestion would be to expand on this, perhaps shifting to the perspective of one who walks by these people. Currently, this is only a sketch (as you properly identified it), but you are clearly capable of making it even more.
Technical issues
It was a bit disconcerting the way the lines were broken up. I think it would read better as proper paragraphs, rather than with a newline before almost every line.
Conclusion
It is a pleasure to have writers such as yourself join Writing.com. It can sometimes be a bit bewildering and intimidating at first, especially since there is such an eclectic mix of writers, some with little talent but much emotion, some with great talent and egos to match. I encourage you to stay around and see if you can separate the wheat from the chaff and get the best of what this site has to offer.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
An excellent and masterful entry in the 14 Days, 7 Prompts, 1 Story Contest. Each day, I looked forward to reading your entry almost as much as I looked forward to writing my own.
What I liked most
The way you showed Master Cho's patience and wisdom in each entry was very well done. There were hints as to how he would guard the city, but it was still a surprise when it came to battle, and another surprise afterwards.
My general suggestions
As much fun as it is reading this for the contest, I'd suggest making a clean copy without the bold or rules (you can link back to the original), as they are slightly distracting. I think the story will hold up well on its without reference to the contest.
Technical issues
None that I saw, although I wasn't reading closely for grammar or spelling or that sort of thing.
Conclusion
Well, if I were a judge... but I am a fully contestant, so I'll just say, Bravo!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
An interesting poem about a guitar, and how it relates to a guitarist lover.
What I liked most
I like the premise of the poem, and it is clear that you have poured your passion into it.
Suggestions/Technical Issues
To start with, I'd suggest that you change the rating to 18+.
I have a bit of trouble reviewing a poem like this, because it clear contains a lot of your imagery and spirit. It just doesn't work very well as a poem. The idea is good, and you make some effort at imagining the connections between the lover and the guitar, but it just doesn't come off as very lyrical or poetic. You have worked quite hard, obviously, at choosing your words to denote both the lover and the guitar, and it is very clever, but it seems to have lost some of the beauty in getting to the cleverness. See if you can step back from the analogy and read this aloud as poetry, and I think you will find it is missing some rhythm or flow that would make it more poem and less clever.
Obviously, this is just my opinion, and others may feel differently. I am just trying to give you an honest assessment of the poem as I read it.
Conclusion
A fair poem that is striving to be a really good poem, but needs some polish and poeticism.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A lovely poem for your true love. Nicely done.
What I liked most
I like that you have gone beyond simple comparisons to draw an emotional picture. I also like that you have some sense of structure, which shows up through and especially in the echoed lines "Of you", "Of your hair", and "Of your silky smile". My favorite lines:
The echo an enchanting mood
Gathering in the scented wisps
Of your hair.
Suggestions/Technical Issues
Not a lot to suggest, except to branch out even more into description and color. You have a hint of multiple senses, but I'd go even further and explore taste and smell as well as touch and sight and sound.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A nice haiku about floating away on the wind.
What I liked most
I like the words you chose, "waft away" and "Curls of smoke", which evoke a sense of adventure and action.
Suggestions/Technical Issues
This meets all the specifications for a haiku, and the spelling, etc. is good.
Conclusion
Nice effort. More of an American haiku as it is less contemplative and more active, but I like that. Write on!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A very enjoyable read. Well done!
What I liked most
I like the premise that Wiken and his men study the situation and use brains rather than brawn to get ahead. In support of this, I love the sentence, "his stood in direct contrast with the highly successful Screaming Horde strategy favored by most marauders of the middle ages."
Suggestions/Technical Issues They King is arrogant -> Should be either "Their King" or "The King".
I would suggest that you rethink the name, or else rethink the statement by the scout. Once the scout had made the report, backed up by the name of the King, it seemed fairly clear (to me at least) what Wizen would need to do. I think if you downplayed the arrogance just a bit in the scout's report, and perhaps even changed the king's name to something that sounded slightly less negative, it would work better. For example, if he were known as King Oliver the Omnipotent (which a king would gladly accept), and the scout said, "The King is very proud. He dresses fancy and is quick to anger. He imprisons any subject who questions his omnipotence.", the reader would still get the message at the end but it would be a bigger surprise, because you would have distracted the reader by suggesting what would happen to a subject, but not suggested what the same approach might instigate with an outsider.
Conclusion
A very good story. Excellent flash fiction!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A sad poem about the loss of a dear sister.
What I liked most
If emotion were all that mattered in a poem, this would be a five star, easily. You communicate your loss and the wonder of your sister in all your words.
God must have wanted you by his side.
After all, you were the pride in everyone's eyes.
Suggestions/Technical Issues
The poem is not as good as the emotion it evokes, although it isn't bad. You might want to be consistent in choosing either to rhyme or not. Since you rhyme at the beginning, it feels odd that you don't maintain that throughout. There are also word choices that could be more compelling. For example, you have "your voice made a bad person turn good{/b", which is a wonderful sentiment, but can you come up with a more eloquent way of saying that?
Conclusion
A lovely poem about the loss of a sister and dear friend.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A moody and dark story about a run down character and his eventual destiny.
What I liked most
I like the mood that was set, and the way the characters talk to each other. Those felt realistic.
Suggestions/Technical Issues
It is very hard to read parts of this because you miss a lot of indefinite articles, such as "a" and "the". For example, you have "in ordinary situation", and it should be "in an ordinary situation", and you have "the way to tobacco shop" and it should be "the way to the tobacco shop"
Conclusion
A fairly good story, marred by some serious technical issues, mostly with missing words and chopped sentences that are hard to read.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A nice little poem about relationships.
What I liked most
I thought this had a pleasant feel to it, with rhymes that were generally thought out well and a good message.
Suggestions/Technical Issues
It is often good in a rhyming poem to have a somewhat consistent meter or cadence. A true meter would be something like da DUM da DUM da DUM, but even if you don't want to go that far in structuring the poem, try to make sure that your lines feel like they follow a pattern. For example:
Don't try to hold it back
or to keep it bound
Just let it go and enjoy the
treasures that can be found.
This is a nice verse, but look at the syllable counts: 6/5/8/6 It is often good to aim either for roughly regular counts (such as all about 6 syllables, for example) or alternating long short (such as 8/5/8/5). To make the first work with this stanza, you could just shorten the third line and have:
Don't try to hold it back
or to keep it bound
Just let go and enjoy
treasures that can be found.
This gives you a fairly consistent rhythm. It also, by chance, eliminates one of the three repeated uses of "it" in this stanza, and also avoids ending a line with "the", which is often a sign of a less-than-smooth verse.
Now, you could also change the second line if you liked, and both smooth it out and make it also 6 syllables:
Don't try to hold it back
or keep it tightly bound
Just let go and enjoy
treasures that can be found.
With this you have almost exactly the same verse as before, but with every line a consistent syllable count, no weak ending words an fewer repetitions. This is the sort of cleaning and honing which often makes a good poem into a much better one.
Conclusion
A good poem that could use a bit of polish, but has a good heart. Write on!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A wonderfully captivating story, well written, purporting to show how sin entered humankind.
What I liked most
I thought the descriptions were great, especially of the scene with Eve and the snake. Very vivid, and all written in such a way as to make it hard to put down.
Suggestions/Technical Issues
I didn't see any issues, except for the somewhat overriding logical issue that if she were the mother of us all, why are only a few selected, and why do they need to be bitten? The logic seems to fall on its face at the last moment, but perhaps it doesn't matter in the end. It just doesn't quite make sense to me.
Conclusion
You are a very good writer, and I enjoy the flow and phrasing of your stories. This one seemed to have a logical flaw, but certainly no other serious flaws. I was a little unsure whether to give this a 4 or 4.5 star based on the logic issue, but decided the writing is the main thing and stuck with the 4.5.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
Excellent story with an unpredictable ending. Very well done.
What I liked most
I like the way Mat questions the Brothers and gradually comes to believe in their faith. This is well handled and believable. Also, his waiting is well described.
Suggestions/Technical Issues
I didn't see any issues. Your pacing and foreshadowing were excellent, leading one on in one way while explicitly setting up another.
Conclusion
This is a great story. I look forward to reading more of your work. Welcome to Writing.com!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A clever and interesting story (or first chapter, since it seems to be continued) about a ghost who returns to her Earthly love.
What I liked most
I like the entertaining patter between Marli and Kerk, especially about the muffins. I also thought the way she died was hysterical, and probably would cause more than 15 minutes of fame.
Suggestions/Technical Issues
I didn't see any real issues.
Conclusion
This is very entertaining, and I am eager to see what happens next. You have done a good job of arousing at least this reader's curiosity. Good job!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A well written and powerful non-fiction story about a man on death row, how he got there, and what he suffered once he was there.
What I liked most
Your writing is graphic and intense, and makes it easy to imagine some of the horrible scenes.
Suggestions/Technical Issues the Pharmacist was feisty -> There are a few places where you capitalize the occupation like this, and it really should be lower case, "the pharmacist".
He received a death sentence to be carried out in five years -> This doesn't sound right. Did they ever give a death sentence that explicitly stated someone had to wait five years, or did it just take five years to get through the system? Your sentence implies the former, but I think the latter more likely.
He was sorry for what he had done. Without the drugs, he was a nice guy. If you got in trouble there, punishment was confinement in a metal box, unable to stand, in the blinding Louisiana sun. -> The juxtaposition here is confusing. It starts by sounding as if he was a nice guy when not on drugs, then makes it sound as if he was a nice guy because the punishment for not being a nice guy was so harsh. The sentences just seem to contradict each other's points.
Aside from these points, I have to say that the underlying premise seems to be that drugs make people do bad things, so the drugs should be blamed rather than the people. While this has some truth to it, it seems far too simplistic to describe the real world, where many things (alcohol, drugs, abuse, neglect) could be used to excuse all sorts of crimes.
Conclusion
A powerful and intense story that brings up some of the true horrors of both the penal system in general, and the death penalty in particular.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A humorous tale of a tree, a cat, a man and his downfall.
What I liked most
I like the whimsical tone, and the sardonic wit. My favorite part is probably "Learn to say no to your wife in 15 days or less. Money back guarantee." I can't imagine any company in the world that would guarantee that, and if they did, they'd likely be bankrupt in a month.
Suggestions/Technical Issues I also think I broke my let -> Should be "leg".
to grow a backbone against her -> This doesn't sound right, although I am not exactly sure what would fix it. How can you grow a backbone against somebody? It feels like a mixed metaphor.
way too many lat night TV commercials -> Should be "late".
It’s been at least an hour now. Maybe I should consider yelling for help. -> This seemed a little off to me. Even if you'd hit your head, you have a leg twisted badly and it must hurt like anything. Would you wait an hour to call for help?
You switch tenses between past (e.g., "I was working", "I slipped", "I tried to guess") and present (e.g., "It’s been", "I’m getting", "I really don’t want") and back to past (e.g., "She rolled", "I sighed"). These should all be in the past or the present, not switching back and forth.
Conclusion
I like your tale, but it needs a bit of cleanup. It is entertaining though - keep on writing!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A sonnet expressing loss.
What I liked most
I like the way you use the imagery of the birds, air, breeze and all to express the spirit flying away. This helps tie the poem together.
Suggestions/Technical Issues proud to great the dawn -> Should be "greet".
The meter is a bit choppy. Most lines are true iambic pentameter, while a few are not so true. Your first four lines are good, then we get:
to express feelings circling round my head -> It is very difficult for the reader to stress the first syllable on "express", so the meter is thrown off there.
The next four lines are good, but then we get:
for comfort. Solace will not appear. Life -> This is just a hodgepodge, with no way to even force the iambic meter.
The another good line, then
We wake to find nothing’s left but strife. -> The "nothing" messes things up here.
The rest are OK.
Aside from the meter, you use enjambment, the breaking of complete thoughts between lines, fairly well, but it can be a bit distracting. Try to only use that technique when a line is meant to change an idea suddenly, or when you need to keep the reader going.
Conclusion
This is a good sonnet that could use a little polishing to be excellent. I enjoyed reading this, although I am sorry for your loss. Write on!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A curiously moving poem about looking back.
What I liked most
This is a truly wonderful poem in many ways. I love the back and forth between different times and episodes, such as:
I was a waitress in some college bar
where jocks and drunks flew through windows,
and somebody was stabbed one night in '75.
Wonderful stuff. Mostly, I just love the sense of remorse shown, and the refusal to feel remorse over the effort made.
Suggestions/Technical Issues
None to make, really.
Conclusion
I must admit, I'm sure I'll have to re-read thus a few times to really get it all, if I ever really can. I'm not usually a free verse fan, but you do this very well.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A sonnet (by name) about wisdom and folly.
What I liked most
I like the words and message of the poem.
Suggestions/Technical Issues
The name, the rhyme scheme and the syllable count all suggest that this is a Shakespearean sonnet, but the meter is way off. As I know that you like to work with your poems to make them as strong as possible, let me make suggestions. I am only going to work with the first stanza and one or two other lines, but if you would like, I'd be happy to go through the rest of the poem line by line.
No I shall not allow myself to be
Lured by fools to an unseemly duel.
Of my words and thoughts they are not worthy
For whom intelligence is too cruel.
The first line is in correct iambic pentameter, which is good, but it starts quite weakly. Try to avoid starting with words such as "So" and "No" and "And" and "But" which are just filler sounds to keep the meter. Instead, rewrite the line to make it more powerful and direct, perhaps as something like:
I shall not let my temper rise in rage
The second line isn't iambic at all (it looks like DUM da DUM da da da DUM da DUM da) and so needs to be shifted a syllable and ended with a stress. There is also a very weak emphasis on the word "an", which should usually not take such a focus. We could perhaps alter it to both shift the syllables and change the weaker "an" to something at least slightly stronger that also adds a play between "some" and "seem".
Beseeched by fools to some unseemly bout.
Of my words and thoughts they are not worthy
The third line is a meter-less mess (it looks like da da DUM da DUM DUM da da DUM da when it should be da DUM da DUM da DUm da DUM da DUM, and also now won't rhyme with the modified first line I added, so how about:
My words and thoughts ought never to engage
The fourth line is also badly metered, and ends off stress (it looks like da DUM da DUM da da da da DUM da). I don't have a perfect fit for your meaning, but perhaps:
With those for whom such wisdom is in doubt.
Thus, your original:
No I shall not allow myself to be
Lured by fools to an unseemly duel.
Of my words and thoughts they are not worthy
For whom intelligence is too cruel.
My modification:
I shall not let my temper rise in rage
Beseeched by fools to some unseemly bout.
My words and thoughts ought never to engage
With those for whom such wisdom is in doubt.
I am not sure whether it is better, but at least it is in iambic pentameter.
Conclusion
This poem has excellent qualities, but has serious issues with its iambic pentameter, and thus does not qualify as a sonnet (unless and until it is fixed). I hope my suggestions help in some regard, as I greatly admire your poetic sentiments.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A call to duty to inspire us all.
What I liked most
I like the message, and that you tried to use rhyming.
Suggestions/Technical Issues
The rhymes in this poem are sometimes near-rhymes, sometimes non-rhymes, and sometimes simply obvious rhymes that show little creativity. It is important when rhyming to not fall into the "rhyme for rhyme's sake". An example of that would be:
But a call to duty will make things right,
And bring poor folks a day so bright!
See if you can find meaningful statements that still rhyme. It will take a bit more work, but make for a more compelling poem.
Conclusion
A poem with a strong message, but which could use some additional effort to bring out its potential.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A great set of cNotes, with a unique theme and flair.
What I liked most
I like several of these, but my favorites are Do you have a bee? and Sour Bee. It is funny, I had barely ever used or encountered a cNote until I became one of the leaders of the JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM CLOSED 4NOW and have needed cNotes to fill packages. I stumbled on yours and am looking for chances to use these, as they are fun and different.
Suggestions/Technical Issues
Nothing to suggest really. These are lots of fun.
Conclusion
I'd love to see more of these. Create on!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
Sometimes a change of heart comes a little late in life.
What I liked most
I like the scene in the grocery store, where he is trying to figure out what the heck to buy. While I am male and do most of the grocery shopping for my family, I am quite familiar with men who may never have shopped fort food alone in their lives. This felt very realistic.
Suggestions/Technical Issues
The story falls a little flat when he gets home and they go on the picnic. Wouldn't she be a bit surprised? Wouldn't it make her wonder what was going on? It just feels like you skip over a crucial part.
Conclusion
A good story which might need to be filled out a bit in the middle.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
An excellent scary story.
What I liked most
I thought the concept of the possible virus was clever, as it allowed you to introduce various characters, any of whom might turn out to be the villain. I also liked how the school psychologist explained the apperance of the images away, which felt very authentic.
Suggestions/Technical Issues
I did guess what was going on before the end, mostly due to the "bad guy" being a little too casual and glib about the reported images. In the circumstances, you would have expected a slightly more started reaction, so suspicion was raised early (obviously, I am trying to be oblique so others read this for themselves).
Conclusion
This was well done and scary. Like a lot of good horror, the ending manages to be both a bit funny and a bit scary. Good job!
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
An entertaining poem that might be offensive to some people with strong Christian beliefs, but fun for those who don't mind a bit of fun poked at religious stories.
What I liked most
I like the sense of humor displayed, especially in the "gotcha" the sone describes.
My general suggestions
Parody is tricky, as it is hard to get the right balance of obvious vs. obnoxious vs. enlightening. I think you did well in some places, but the last line needs a bit of work, as do some of the earlier ones that try to be funny without really following the plot. For example, "As heaven seems strict and dull" may or may not seem true to some, but there is nothing in the poem to lead him to say that, so it is just snarky.
Conclusion
This is good, but could be even better with some care and polish.
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