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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bleedingpaper
Review Requests: ON
22 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I focus mostly on my experience of your writing. If something seems like it could be more effective, or if something distracts from what I perceive to be the main point, I will let you know. Even if I love your work, I try to provide at least one constructive item.
Least Favorite Genres
Gore, horror
Favorite Item Types
Science fiction, fantasy, poetry
Least Favorite Item Types
Novels
I will not review...
Novels, unless they're really, really great.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by BariRandom
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Richard ~ ! I saw this story posted in the Dreamweaver Lounge.

My first impressions:
- I love your first sentence, "None of the Bear's friends came to his shop anymore, not since the sickness had taken him." I love that this is intriguing and sets up this illness and its effect on Bear right away. It fosters sympathy for Bear, insinuating his loneliness and isolation in illness.
- This is such a cute take on how Mr. and Mrs. Claus met. It's a creative take on their history before their roles as holiday icons.

Some things I noticed:
- In your dialogue, the sentence following the first line of speech is capitalized, even when the dialogue wasn't a complete sentence. The dialogue modifiers are also all actions "Sternly, "I said drink it," Pointing at the flagon...", rather than the typical "he said, pointing at the flagon." I don't think it's technically incorrect, I just haven't ever seen that before.
- I wasn't clear what was wrong with Mary that no one would ask for her hand because of her infirmity. Was this infirmity fixed by the old man? I know she has a limp, but is that genetic or contagious?

My favorite lines:
- "He made quick work of the repair, molding a tight iron ferrule at the staves foot."
- "Mistress began to frown from the hearth area, but a wave of Myrddin's hand glazed her eyes over."


I enjoyed reading! Thank you for posting :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of playing poker  
Review by BariRandom
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Hey there, Charlie Carrol ! I found your piece on the "please review" group page.

My overall Impressions:
- Because this is stream of consciousness writing, I understand that that results in very little structure, but even in this case I found myself confused for a lot of it. Who is the narrator? Who is "You"? How many characters are there, and what are their relationships?
- This piece has several poignant and meaningful lines, but I struggle to put it all into context.

My favorite lines:
- "Schrodinger's cat has always been stupid. Everyone knows it's dead."
- "Not everyone has to know your everything."


Some things I noticed:
- "I wouldn’t dare ask if you minded when I bit your ear or slapped you hard on the shoulder..." The tenses in this line are strange. This piece is in first person present tense, and "minded" is past tense. Make sure your tenses are consistent
- "It is self gratifying really, just jacking off with an audience when you tell me you will leave her and I agree."- I totally don't understand this line. What are you trying to say here? That intimate relationships with this person "you" is just like public masturbation? That this person is cheating on someone else?
- In paragraph 3 you introduce another "you" by stating "either of you." This is a little jarring, and quite confusing

Thanks for writing and posting, keep it up!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by BariRandom
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey there Journey to find my voice ! I saw your story had won the writers cramp contest from 3/24, so figured I'd check it out!

My overall impression of this story is that the mother is... abusive? evil? You leave that to the imagination of the reader, which I definitely enjoyed.

I like the way you built up the tension, it's a regular day, but something about it is foreboding, wrong, threatening. Like the sixth sense intuition even knows that this is a bad situation.

Some things I noticed for potential improvement below. These are just my own non-professional opinion, so take what you will, and leave the rest!

Your opening, "I had woken up to a bright sunny day," could be a bit more interesting. I'm a big believer in having an eye-catching first line, and a regular, bright sunny day, isn't particularly catchy. Maybe focus on the "miserable feeling" in the first sentence juxtaposed with the regular morning descriptions to make a more catchy beginning.

Some sentences didn't read well to me:
- Because I knew that I would be getting in trouble for the coffee ring that is now on the kitchen counter. - This is a sentence fragment
- You capitalize "Father" throughout the story, was that intentional?
- And, for me to be able to escape my mother's prison, I mean house. - Starting a sentence with "and" is usually not a good idea. Instead of a comma, try using an emdash "—"

Hope this helps, keep on writing! Great story!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Salamander Stew  
Review by BariRandom
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great story, Ari Lox ! Thank you so much for recommending it to me in your review of my work.

I really enjoyed this one. There's so much that you say with so few words. My favorite lines:
- He arose from a pleasant reverie aboard the starship, Polaris, happy to soon experience yet another world.- I can feel how relaxed he seems to be, on the brink of a new adventure
- A head full of the tracings of Alaric and a belly full of the finest salamander stew.- Alaric, known for the sacking of Rome. If he's tracing someone like Alaric, is this a red flag to the customs agent? Is he trying to bring down another great civilization, as Alaric did? Is this a threat?
- It was six revolutions of humankind's first planet - It's this line, among many others, that lead me to believe that Nambo isn't actually human.
- The Solar City customs agent stared smugly - At my first read I thought this was just the agent's attitude, but I'm wondering if he suspected Nambo based on some prejudice, especially since he referenced Alaric?
- the 6178th- Is this like Nambo the second? So there were 6178 in his family line? If that's the case, it means that the speed at which his species reproduces is extremely fast, or his family is extremely old and traditional.

There's a lot I'm left to wonder with such a short piece, which adds to the intrigue of the setting you've created and what kind of world it is.
Well done!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of Alien Sofa  
Review by BariRandom
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a really interesting concept. I love that he was prepping for his philosophy meeting and used his dream as inspiration for his revelation!

My main feedback for you is the way you describe the alien encounter is more "telling" than showing. This is a pretty terrifying thing to happen, and I read this as Edgar not being all too surprised by it. I want to get more into Edgar's head. What are his first impressions of the alien? What is he feeling? This is mostly just a frank narration of events.

Great job, keep writing!!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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6
Review of Disguise  
Review by BariRandom
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem is so short and sweet. Sweet in the sense that it's very effective, not that the idea is happy. I think it's really easy to relate to. Great job!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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7
Review of Kaleidoscope  
Review by BariRandom
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you so much for writing such a personal and deep poem. It definitely feels like a very dark theme.

The fourth stanza stands out as my favorite. It's relatable, and clear what you're trying to convey. The idea of not being able to trust people in real life is an unfortunate reality we all face, and we all wish in some way we had the control we have in our dream world.

My main feedback is to change the font. I'm not sure how it looks on your computer, but on mine, the text is very difficult to read because it's so thin and grey.

I don't really understand the first two stanzas. What is "them" referring to? What roles have been reversed? In the third stanza this seems to be the heart and mind, but it's not clear.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of Cute  
Review by BariRandom
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a great little flash fiction story! I have heard similar complaints from people with curly hair, so it's definitely relatable.

My comments are below. Feel free to take them or leave them. I'm no expert, just a girl with an opinion.

- Ending a story with a "I woke up from my dream" ending is usually pretty weak, though the way you used it I think it should be fine. It's mostly a bad idea when there's this really intense and dramatic conflict and the ending is "and I woke up everything is fine!" For yours, since it's the resolution that was the dream, I feel like it works.

- The sentence "It comes out more looking like you got it caught in something and it froze. Stiff" is difficult for me to picture. I feel like there's a better simile comparison to use here that can help paint a more clear picture. I personally have never gotten (or seen) hair stuck in something and frozen.

- The sentence "It doesn't even look on right" tripped me up a little. Your following sentences clarify that the hair looks like it's crooked on your head- "my face should have been where my right ear is." Maybe referencing a misplaced wig will help to concisely get this idea across.

- A few typos/grammatical suggestions-
         Paragraph 1: "I need help with my hair. Natural Naturally curly."
         Paragraph 3: "Unless your you're natural, (no comma) looks..."


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by BariRandom
Rated: E | (3.5)
I absolutely love the message behind this. It's definitely true that choosing to love over hate is the right way to go, and is necessary in so many ways. My thoughts are below, feel free to take them or leave them.

I think this writing would be more effective as a poem. You have this lovely repetition of "hate hurts," which seems like it would be the perfect ending to a poem stanza. It would also make it a little easier to read. At the very least, maybe adjust your font and spacing so it's easier to read the larger paragraphs.

I think you have a lot of great lines to exemplify just how much hate hurts. Some statements are more effective than others. I think it would be great if you could remove some of the weaker ones, and only leave the strong ones. There's a lot here, and since it all means the same thing in the end, it's easy for the reader's eyes to gloss over to "get to the point."

It would be great to have more examples of how love heals. Maybe even using the same statements you used to strongly define hate, but change them just so to where they apply to love. The line is thin, and using the same lines but slightly changed can exemplify that fact.

10
10
Review by BariRandom
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Alana Lenore !
Thank you so much for posting your work here for me to review and read. I found this piece through the "please review" page.

I think that the story you're describing could be very very interesting, but it would greatly depend on how the story is told. Because this little blurb has no information about the nuance or techniques you could/would use to build up tension and drama, the story by itself seems bland, but that doesn't mean that it would be so in its final draft. Life is dramatic, after all.

Are these people friends, or are they partners? I know you said they were friends in your last line "19 year friendship", but to me, the stakes would feel higher if they were partners. A lot of people in our society place a ton of weight in their romantic relationships, and not so much weight in their friendships. I don't think that's right, of course, but it's more relatable to want to go on the path to heal your inner child if you're losing your life partner rather than someone you've been friends with for a long time. That inner child journey is no joke.

Those are just my initial thoughts, take with it what you will. I will give a 3.5* rating for this one as I find this to be more of a discussion starter.

Good luck on the novel! I'd be interested to read any snippits related to this that you post in the future.

-Bari
11
11
Review of Space Lasers!  
Review by BariRandom
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I found this piece on the Sci-fi short story contest page as the February prompt.

I really enjoyed reading this. I even read it twice- the first time through I wasn't sure I was reading it correctly when it all ended up being about pizza, but on the second read through the foreshadowing really came through in all its hilarity. I felt this particularly in these lines:

- Our cause is as popular as it just: most people agree with us, in principle, but they just aren't willing to do what must be done.

- Too many idiots are influenced by the wrong kind of culture.


I also appreciate your attention to detail when it comes to the science of lasers. I haven't done much research on lasers, but your statements about it seem believable.

I liked the nod to star wars blasters (the red streaks traveling at 40 m/s), assuming I placed it correctly.

Great job :)
12
12
Review of Space Battle  
Review by BariRandom
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I found this piece while perusing the sci-fi short story competition.

This is quite the exciting space battle you've created here. The techniques used in the battle are very creative and unique.

My main critique for you would be to add more detail, or descriptor words, about what this scene looks like, and what it feels like for the admiral (or whatever character is currently experiencing it). Space battles are something that we haven't yet encountered as a species, and part of what makes them so interesting (in my opinion) is the very intense visual and physical effects. For example, this excerpt:


         "But then as the Admiral watched he saw with some shock the asteroid start to change shape. Mirrors started to radiate out from its side, unfolding at an incredible speed until there must have been a hundred miles of the reflective surface around the asteroid. The Admiral became uncomfortably aware that the sun was behind him and the mirrors were reflecting the sunlight to a single point 1 km in front of the asteroid and that the light was now focused into a single laser beam. The beam could be directed."

Some questions I have as a reader, trying to picture this in my head are:
- Are the mirrors growing outwards? Like a flower? Do they sparkle?
- Why are the mirrors spanning a hundred miles, but the focused laser distance is in km? (also, 1km seems reeeeeally small in terms of the 100 mile mirror array and the scale of space battles in general. This means the laser focal point is very close to the mirror array (and asteroid?) and thus likely wouldn't provide a lot of assistance if the missiles were to explode that close to the base)
- How is the beam directed? How is a beam formed? In my knowledge of mirrors and sunlight, there's one specific point where all the rays converge, rather than creating a beam.

I'm an engineer, so my engineer brain is really interested in these little nuance details. I know it may not be appropriate for such a short scene or story, but I really prefer to feel like I'm IN said space battle.

Great job, can't wait to read more. There was a hint that the admiral is immortal, hopefully that includes crashes such as this...

13
13
Review by BariRandom
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you so much for posting this poem! I REALLY really enjoyed reading it. Some of my favorite lines:
- "I took a trip to my grandparents property in the mountains today
Funny, I saw you in everything surrounding me"

- "So, along the stream, I’ve dug small graves
For every skeleton you gave me"


That second one gave my chills. So well done.

My only real feedback is that I feel like these three lines didn't quite fit with the rest of the poem. To me, this poem is about someone who is visiting a stream with a feeling of rebellious peace. As in, "all of the s*** you did, it doesn't matter, because I'm at peace where I am. I can let this go." These lines trip me up from that main thought:

"Yet I don’t feel haunted, this sacred area is still a dream
You once held power, you incited fear
Now even the deer can’t help but sneer"


That could just be because I don't really understand what they're supposed to mean, though. To me, a "dream" is something lovely and something we wish for, but does not exist. So to me a contradicts the narrator saying that they're not bothered by this person's past tyranny anymore. I also am not sure about the deer sneering- are they doing this to get this horrible person from the narrator's past out of this peaceful stream? If not, sneering deer doesn't sound like a peaceful setting to me.

Your work on this is awesome, and those three lines were barely an issue for me. I just always try to include some things to think about in my reviews. Great job :) Keep writing!!!

14
14
Review of Self Motivation  
Review by BariRandom
Rated: E | (1.5)
Hey there! Thank you so much for posting your thoughts on self motivation. I am one who definitely believes in its importance, and am glad you feel that way, too. I found this piece through the Random Review page.

My main suggestion to you is to work on your sentence structure. There are several grammatical errors throughout that really make it difficult to follow your narrative.

15
15
Review by BariRandom
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reading this poem definitely gave me chills.



At first the repetition seemed overdone, but in the last two lines it becomes obvious that this is from the perspective of the partner who has been desperately begging for decades for the subject to "wake up."



To me, this poem is about depression, and how time can slip by so so quickly when you're in the throws of it. It also expresses the hopelessness people around the sufferer feels in that they have to do it alone, and they don't know what they can do to help get them out of their illness.



My only suggestion would be to review the line "you don't have to sleep in today." I believe it's intended to inform the reader that the subject isn't sleeping in just because they want to, but because they're suffering from a tiredness that isn't cured by sleep. That said, I think there's a potentially more effective line to convey this idea, partly because I see sleeping in as something I 'get' to do rather than something I 'have' to do. The line something like "You've been sleeping for hours" or similar that conveys that the subject is more than sleep tired, but more clear.



Great job, thanks for writing it!
16
16
Review of Immortal  
Review by BariRandom
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thanks so much for writing this and sharing it! I found it on the "ask for a review" page.

At first, I wasn't sure about the dry, medicinal tone used, but I think in the end it's incredibly effective. Because Charles is so confident in medicine's ability to "keep up", it makes sense that he would narrate his life and medical struggles in a way that's detached and nonchalant. Something that I think would make it more effective is if after his pacemaker is installed, instead of him saying "I didn't think they could do it, but they did." saying that he dad think they could do it, just like after they installed the artificial kidney. The final paragraph makes it seem like his overall attitude is overconfidence in medical science, so his initial doubt seems out of character without more emphasis on his change of heart. In short, either keep him overconfident throughout the piece, or place more emphasis on his change in attitude.

Third to last paragraph there's a typo- "The cancerous polyps were removed successful, but..." should be successfully.

Great job! Keep writing :)
17
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Review by BariRandom
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Thanks so much for asking me to review your work. I enjoyed reading it, even though I have been out of the Yu Gi Oh! swing for lots of years now.

I'll start by saying it's important to me to read work that doesn't have abbreviations or internet slang such as "OK" and "Lol." To me, it feels immature and unprofessional, and I would never see it in a book (unless of course we were reading text messages between characters).

Another thing I noticed is that in the office scene, it's difficult to track who is who and where those characters are in the office, and what their relationships are. In polyamory it can get fuzzy with so many interrelations between characters, so you may want to include some more introductions about these as a way to orient the reader. The way the dialogue in this section is also causes a sense of confusion for me, because characters I didn't realize were standing in the group of people talking would suddenly start talking as if they appeared from nowhere. My recommendation to remedy this is to stay true to the POV you've chosen, 3rd person from Joan's perspective, and follow her around the room as she interacts with different characters.

As for Joan's characterization, she started out as being VERY nervous when Marc picked her up from the train, something that I think is too contrasting with her confidence and casualness when she offers to be a prostitute. Especially since this isn't something she routinely does, how can someone who's so nervous about going into an office to the point where she's shaking suddenly interact with this rude, aggressive man (Seto) with such confidence and whimsy?

Thanks again for posting!
18
18
Review by BariRandom
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I had such a good time reading this poem.
I really love how the tone starts off with a sense of almost despair. It doesn't matter where you are, a bad day in a city comes with so many inconveniences and aggravations that it's an "attack" on the senses. This is particularly true because of your use of the word "snarled", which was very effective.

The speed seems to pick up in the second verse- like an anxious and hopeless feeling person at the end of their rope, just listing alllll the things that are going wrong.

All of this tension is very cleverly released in the third verse, where you slow down, breathe, and take a minute to comfort yourself, and check you anxieties.

As someone who really resonates with the whole "one thing has gone wrong so all the things must be going wrong because apparently the world is out to get me" spiral of doom, I love this poems interruption of that cycle with an introduction of self soothing.

Very well done.
19
19
Review of Tammy  
Review by BariRandom
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hey there! I appreciate that you took the time to write out this little interaction between several characters regarding a brother being late to pick up his sister from school.

My main feedback for you is to make sure you don't write in just dialogue. Since there are no indications of who is speaking (as in, there's no ".... said Tammy" or "... asked so and so") it can be difficult to follow and know which line belongs to which character. When you write in pure dialogue, it's also difficult to "show" details about a story since you quite literally have to "tell" the reader everything.

Consider adding some details about how the characters are voicing their dialogue (exclaimed! asked! said incredulously! with an irritated tone!), and include some more information about the setting and relationships between characters. For example, the first section, it's unclear to me who the brother is talking to. Is this a girlfriend who's upset she doesn't get time with her boo because of his dumb sister?

The story arc also feels incomplete to me. There's no resolution other than the fact that he does pick up his sister, and that she wasn't freaking out as he originally thought. Will the mother be upset that they're bringing home a new cat? What does the cat even look like (great opportunity for some cute cat descriptions here)? Is the girlfriend still angry, despite the beach trip?

Keep writing, I had fun reading!
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