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1
1
Review of Memoirs  
for entry "The Gift" 
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)


Dear ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Memoirs"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          I really enjoyed this first paragraph, however, for my taste it seems it could be shorter to get to the point of; "Petie was mine for eight years, or more truthfully, I was his." I actually read through the paragraph twice before I realized that the point was the above sentence.

What I liked Most
*Note*          When Mommy said I could open the box, she showed me how to extend my index finger in front of Petie’s feet, and he hopped right on.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          I was really taken back to "my fifties" as you wrote about Petie. My grandparents had a parakeet also named MAC. Mac would greet me every time I visited their house. "HELLO MIKE" What I never realized, until after Mac's demise, was he was actually saying "Hello Mac" which is what he heard each time the front door was opened by my grandparents. He was a cool bird too, and I remember him well also.


The Gospel BluesMan
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review of I'll Wait for Dad  
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear Bikerider ;

Thank you for sharing your story "I'll Wait for Dad"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Seeing my son’s excitement as he watched for his father’s car to turn onto our street, I marveled at his resolve.
         You might make this more interesting by including what his resolve is about. Seeing my son’s excitement as he watched for his father’s car to turn onto our street, I marveled at his resolve to resist opening his Christmas gifts.



I lyke Grammer... Don't yew?
*Note*          I realize that most of us just write these memoirs down to get the story down on paper... "especially we retired police officers" however our grammar is important...

         “It’ll be Christmas when you wake up,” he said. “You don’t have to wait for me.” Then he left to begin his shift at midnight

         “It’ll be Christmas when you wake up,” he said. “You don’t have to wait for me.” Then he left to begin his shift at midnight.


What I liked Most
*Note*          The friendship between Son and Father is super great in this story. It was much like the friendship that I had with my son when he was young. He once thought I hung the moon but something has come between us that I have never figured out and he has moved away from me spiritually. He's 32 now and I don't think he's coming back but I still pray that he will.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Taking off his duty belt, he hung it on the top shelf of the hall closet...
         In my own eyes I know exactly what you are saying here, however I wonder how many people actually know what a "Duty Belt" is. My wife has been married to me for all 39 years of my time in police work and she would not know what it is. To her it is simply a "gun belt," which is what we call it where we are even though it contains all the other necessary items needed for duty. So, personally I think this line should be left out entirely or explained.



The Gospel BluesMan
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3
3
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (4.0)


Dear Butch50 ;

Thank you for sharing your story "The Drill Sergeant"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          I ran across a sound recording the other day of troops marching to cadence called by a Drill Instructor that had a good voice, and it brought up an old memory of a cold wet miserable muddy day in the early 1970’s.

This is a pretty good opener... it serves as two purposes, one - it gives the reader an idea what he is going to be reading about, and two - it doesn't give the reader an idea of the plot of the story. This does bring up a bit of a problem, if the reader isn't interested in the the first sentence, you've lost them. So think of a way you can suck the reader into the story before you tell them you are listening to a recording. In the first place most everyone knows what a cadence is, so you might start out like this...

"I don't know but I've been told, I don't know but I've been told
Infantry is made of gold, Infantry is made of gold
Sound off, Sound off
One two, One two
Bring it on down, One two three four one two... three-four."
The cadence woke me from a deep sleep. The sound of Drill Sergeant Gooch and his reverberant bass voice echoed in my mind...


What I liked Most
*Note*          Something mysterious and deep happened to us as a group then, there was a new connection between each of us...
We not only double timed the last two miles while singing cadence, but we begged Gooch to keep on going, so he took us all the way around the perimeter of the parade ground singing and double timing and everyone was in perfect step; making that shup shup shup shup sound soldiers make when double timing and it was CRISP, and we didn't want to stop, we didn't ever want to stop. We had reached some kind of shared totally insane plateau that elevated us above the physical torment we were in. We still felt the pain, we hadn't gone numb, but we didn't care about the pain anymore because we had somehow gone past that point. There was a kind of bond in what we were sharing.

The only thing I would change in this is to take out the "kind of" in the last sentence I've left quoted here. This weakens the paragraph... this 'WAS' a bond...

I Lyke Grammer Slips
*Note*          So Sgt. Gooch moves out to the side of the ragged column and starts singing cadence in that huge sweet deep bass voice that God only passes out once in a thousand years;
So Sgt. Gooch moved out to the side of the ragged column and started singing cadence in that huge sweet deep bass voice that God only passes out once in a thousand years;

AIT is not defined... I was never military so I am unfamiliar with it's meaning, so all of these type of acronyms needs to be defined.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          This is a great story that needs to be told and is mostly told well. I read through the story because military things tend to interest me but my wife would have passed you by with that beginning:

Think about the words that will grab a reader in the throat and jerk a them into your story and the techniques you can use to to this;
Think about how you can ... grab their emotions? grab their morals? or grab their logic? All else doesn't matter when you are leading into a short story. Be blessed and write on!


The Gospel BluesMan
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4
4
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


Dear Winnie Kay ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Typographical Terror"  [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Opening is good... It leaves the reader suspecting nothing from a story that ends in exciting action and is captivating. I'm wondering however if there is some way that perhaps you could draw in the reader more however. It is a long descriptive sentence that is somewhat laid back... I kept on reading but I'm not sure everyone would...? Could something be said here that would grab the readers attention?

What I liked Most
*Note*          She went back to the computer, head tilted, listening for the slightest sound in the dark outside her apartment. All was quiet. Alice settled back in her chair and scanned the previous messages to see where they left off. “What’s this? . . . WHAT . . . “ She stared at the words typed across the screen:

Nice shocking discovery to the protagonist... "maybe she'd made a mistake"

On a Personal Note
*Note*          I didn't see grammatical errors in the piece... and I really liked the way the short story ended... surprises like that make a good story for me! Great job... Be Blessed, and Write On!


The Gospel BluesMan
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5
5
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.0)


Dear misterwicked ;

Thank you for sharing your story "14/7/1 contest entry chapter 1"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Good but could be better.

What I liked Most
*Note*          A confusing emotion at the simple sight of an unrecognized woman running toward him.


On a Personal Note
*Note*          I enjoyed your story and the plot that is unfolding. I am however confused as to what is happening in places. What is the purpose of the "all caps?" They didn't seem to be pointing anything out important in the chapter.

Also I find that with the other language used in the chapter the word "flotsam" was out of place. It stood out and said "here I am look at me, I don't belong here." But... you do have a good plot forming here... be blessed and Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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6
6
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)


Dear chinesegirllovesrice ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Broken: The Summer (Prologue)"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          The opening could be much stronger...

What I liked Most
*Note*          My abdominal pains became really severe and my boyfriend was no longer there to hold me. The love of my life had become my Kryptonite; he slowly started to weaken me.


On a Personal Note
*Note*          This was a nice story... It has good writing and description in it and you've done a good job. However I've lost the reason behind why it was written...

Okay, his friend is sick... you got so upset that you got sick... you both got upset at each other ... he moved out... ??? Are you still sick? Did you take over his friends cancer? What's going on here? The story stopped but we the readers are still out here...???

Fix this for us, okay? Be Blessed and Write on!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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7
7
Review of Desire's Goodbye  
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)


Dear Summer Day ;

Thank you for sharing your poem "Desire's Goodbye"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Wow! Such a lot of lines strung together! But it made sense somehow. I'm not sure what type of poetry this would be classified as, but it was okay! You said what you wanted to, you got the burden off of your chest, and now you can fly! I hope. There are a couple of problems with it... I think?

Towards the end... wouldn't you maybe Cower inside before you Fear the paths end? I think those two lines might want to trade places. And also the next two lines might trade places... I think I would be hiding inside myself before I left with a kiss... because don't you think the kiss would be sort of hollow?

Hey, I'm not trying to write your poem... just thinking out loud... Be Blessed and Write On!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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8
8
Review of Take Off  
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


Dear DJ Young ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Take Off"  [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Pretty good... It kept me reading but I think it could be better. Maybe you could reword the second line and put it first, and reword the first line and put it second. Then you could grab the reader and throw them into the story.

What I liked Most
*Note*          Without thinking, I took a swig. Whatever I was drinking, It tasted delicious. "What is this?" I asked. "It is simply earl gray tea with a hint of honey." Immediately, I started to feel calm and relaxed. "You look awful tired, I think you could use some sleep."


On a Personal Note
*Note*          You did a good job of building tension with dialog. Your plot and dialog work together well to bring the reader to the edge of their seat a keep them wondering what is going to happen next. I think this story could be expanded into a chapter, and then a book, with a back story as to why the man was so scared of the flight.

As far as the chapter goes, you could take him into a dream into the past (calm) or the future (danger) and let him experience something physically impossible that might save his life at a later time. Just thinking you understand... sorry... be blessed and Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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9
9
Review of The Great Game  
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear chesschamp_1 ;

Thank you for sharing your story "The Great Game"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Pretty good... I kept on reading anyway.

What I liked Most
*Note*          I could smell victory. Belle and Tony were under me searching, never looking up and I knew Jonah was off somewhere obvious to look for where I wouldn't be. Belle called out into the woods, “Amy come on! We give up! Please, please come out!”


On a Personal Note
*Note*          Cute story... what fun it would be to be teenagers again. Oops, I just dated myself. Nice job with the story... Write on!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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10
10
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)


Dear Kris Z Fish ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Dialouge 500 - Troubled Relationship"  [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Good beginning...

What I liked Most
*Note*          I dont even know what to do anymore. You work at the envelope factory for godsake! And four times out of the week your always late coming home and you always come up with the same excuse. I am not stupid ZACH!"


On a Personal Note
*Note*          Why cant can't you just sit down


*Note*          I love you dont don't you know that?


*Note*           I dont don't but you did you slept with another


*Note*          i I think its it's over between us and I just


*Note*          There are also multiple exclamation points at the end of sentences, and multiple question marks. These don't do anything to add or subtract from the subject matter of the writing. Generally they mean that you have too many expressions in the writing in the first place. There is also an "Im" in there which should be "I'm" and a few other missed errors. Basically the dialogue is good without all of the errors.

Hang in there you have a great talent for dialogue... be blessed and Write On!

The Gospel BluesMan
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11
11
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)


Dear Sleuth Sarah ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Choaking On Christ"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Nice opening for this story.

What I liked Most
*Note*          Thank to the gunk in my throat, the wafer attached it’s self to the back of my throat and wouldn’t go down. My eyes bulged with silent panic and lack of oxygen as I tried repeatedly to swallow.


On a Personal Note
*Note*          The wafer vibrated when I’d breath breathe in causing me to choke again!


This was an enjoyable story... who can't take communion anymore? I'd guess that your husband has you on restricted communion chores unless you chew your wafer? Of course... if you'd chewed your wafer that day, you might be pushing up daises today? Ahem... anyway be blessed and Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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12
12
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)


Dear Nicki_Mist ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Our Walk Through The Autumn Woods"  [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          The opening could be better if you thought of something exciting that happened to tease the reader with.

What I liked Most
*Note*          Their tongues could almost taste the icy cold in the air.
You've given us more than just picture words here. Now we can feel the scene also.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          You could improve your story by using paragraphs where the subjects change. This would improve readability for your readers and would make it easier for you to read over to edit also.
This is a good story... Be Blessed and Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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13
13
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)


Dear Rhumour ;

Thank you for sharing your poem "2010 - A Year for Peace & Goodwill?"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          This was a nice fortune for the future. I don't know that we really have a hope for a "peaceful seed" however... be blessed and write on!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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14
14
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)


Dear Lexi ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Discussion In My Coffee"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Excellent Beginning! Grabbed me and shoved me into the story... Great!

What I liked Most
*Note*          How could Mama be dead? I saw her just this morning.
This is the perfect childlike thought...

On a Personal Note
*Note*          The only thing I would change about the story is the spacing... I think I would put more space between the lines as things change, here's an example.

As I played, I got so caught up in it that I didn't see Daddy come up behind me.

“What you doing, Anna Marie?” Daddy asked.

“Making coffee.” I answered. Daddy winced as if I said some very bad word.

“Honey, your Mama's gone. You don't have to make coffee.” Daddy said.

“I know I don't have to but I want to.” I answered.

“But, honey, don't it hurt?” he asked.


This distance makes the reading easier and lets the reader know that the person speaking is changing. Just a thought. Be blessed and Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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15
15
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear Morgan Adam Internet Problems! ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Alain, Knight Ex Libris"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Nice beginning for a children's story I suppose.

What I liked Most
*Note*          They shook their heads sadly, for they feared they would never see Alain again, and they regretted the loss of so young a knight to such a foolish quest.


On a Personal Note
*Note*          This was an intriguing story for children... unfortunately I found myself wanting in on more of the battle. I wanted to hear the swords clash against shields and hear their grunts as they swung their heavy blades. I realize however that all the children need is what you gave... You have a great skill, be blessed and write on!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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16
16
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear K.B. Johnson ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Keep Your Eyes Peeled"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Nice opening... you kept me reading!

What I liked Most
*Note*          The absolute best part of the story... The hawk turned his head; the intense golden eyes locked with my own,


On a Personal Note
*Note*          This was a very nice memoir of yourself and your father. Its graphic points of life as related to the hawk are well written. You have a super skill, please keep it up... Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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17
17
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with Native First Peoples Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


Dear Jay's debut novel is out now! ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Not Exactly Helen of Troy"  [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Excellent opener... what male reader wouldn't read on after a Marilyn comment?

What I liked Most
*Note*          I see my smile distorted in the reflective surface of the foil, but I don't see who's standing behind me. Someone else pushes against the same balloon, sending it aloft in front of me.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Great little short story! I enjoyed the dialogue argument going on between the protagonist and himself about the girl... what else could be better. You painted a grand story about the girl until she stepped in... Super job... Write on!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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18
18
Review of Angel  
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)


Dear WhirlwindX ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Angel"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          I'm glad you were brave enough to think you were the one to stand up for her... I was too shy... This is a great poem, nice job WhirlwindX Be blessed, and Write On!!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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19
19
Review of Winter Moments  
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)


Dear keystomykarma ;

Thank you for sharing your poem "Winter Moments"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          This is a sweet poem... I particularly like

and the comfort
of a kitten's purr
lend company
to its still moments.

It's not without problems however... a "peaceful quiet" is a double positive... it bothers me when I read it... I would change this somehow. The rest of the poem is great. Be blessed and Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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20
20
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)


Dear OneFrighteningLittleMonster123 ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Breathe (Chapter 1 and Synopsis)"  [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

What I liked Most
*Note*          She found herself getting lost in the bright flashes of the lightening and the frightening crash of each clap of thunder. The rain was starting to flood the street slightly.


On a Personal Note
*Note*          things were well worth her wile.
things were well worth her while.


*Note*           little street towards her quite little job.
little street towards her quite quiet little job.


*Note*          This was a great little beginning to a story... the descriptions went well and gave me sort of a sense of being there. The intro to the story was wordy however, I felt that you could've said the same thing in a much shorter space. There was another misspelling that I couldn't find on return, but I did enjoy the piece... Be blessed and Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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21
21
Review of Shattered Tears  
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)


Dear Amy James ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Shattered Tears"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Pretty nice beginning... it kept me reading.

What I liked Most
*Note*          Suddenly, a warm whisper came past her ear and made her freeze in time. A tear dripped down her face as she blinked.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          This is a nice story about a sad lady who has lost her love. However, there is no clue to why the tears are flowing until the letter. I may be wrong, but for me the story would begin much better if it started something like this.

She sat glaring at the pond as memories of the crash played through her mind. Snowflakes were falling as the wind blew across the frozen surface. Trees glistened with white branches and encircled the scenery. Her softly curled chocolate brown hair fell upon her shoulders while her brown eyes sparkled with frozen tears across her face...

*Note*          There are also places for more than one paragraph in the top part of the story. Especially at the whisper. This breakup would make reading the story easier.

*Note*          Nice story! Be blessed, and Write on!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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22
22
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear Felicity Faith ;

Thank you for sharing your blog "A Day In My Life "  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          I found this interesting... I've never eaten "weetbix" and I'd like to know what those are!

What I liked Most
*Note*          Then after a forenoon, noon, and afternoon I did nothing to waste my time talking about except eat lunch... and read a book by George MacDonald.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          I must say this was a hoot to read! If you don't know what that means, we in Texas say something is a hoot when we got a good laugh! You may not have meant it to be funny, however, reading the oxford, or hearing the oxford always gives a Texan a laugh. And to hear about Peter and his toenails... ha ha ha! This was a great time. I was bothered by a few of the spellings of words like "bord" but I don't know if that is a slang spelling or oxford spelling, so I just took it all in stride. What can I say...
Jolly good time! Be Blessed and Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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23
23
Review of Least Favorite  
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)


Dear Jinx Charmer ;

Thank you for sharing your poem "Least Favorite"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

What I liked Most
*Note*          i wish and pray every day

On a Personal Note
*Note*          I sit and stare for they seem as no body's there
It seems to me that since you are referring to your parents lack of seeing you that you should make this line more personal, maybe something like this...
I sit and stare for they seem as no-one's there

*Note*          i wish and pray every day
I wish and pray every day


*Note*          that someone can wake up from this nightmare
That someone I can wake up from this nightmare


*Note*          my sisters and brothers running like crazy as i sit there unfazed but the lack of care
My sisters and brothers running like crazy as I sit there unfazed, but the lack of care


*Note*          for i am my parents least favorite
For I am the least favorite


*Note*          These would be my suggestions for you to make the poem more personal. Your treatment of the remainder of the poem was pretty direct. You have a gift... use it... Be Blessed and Write On!!!
*Note*          


The Gospel BluesMan
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24
24
Review of Me and My shadow  
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


Dear .x.Lonely girl.x. ;

Thank you for sharing your poem "Me and My shadow"  [18+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

What I liked Most
*Note*          Never one to cry
         her tears are from within


On a Personal Note
*Note*          When to everyone shes invisible...
When to everyone she's invisible...


*Note*          Shes just a lonely lonely girl
She's just a lonely lonely girl


*Note*          She wont quit
She won't quit


*Note*          Ha. you can rely on knowone
Ha. you can rely on knowone no-one
know doesn't work for people... only to know something etc...

*Note*           Theres only you and your shadow
There's only you and your shadow


*Note*          This is a wonderful poem written straight forward for even people like me (who is not a poet) to understand. I only saw the small flaws which are noted above. (The apostrophes are necessary...) Please, Be blessed and Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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25
25
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (5.0)


Dear luvtoread95 ;

Thank you for sharing your prose "Swing for the stars"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          This piece of prose brings to light all of our childhood dreams. I once had dreams that when I retired I would do this or that, and now that I've retired I'm too old to get this or that going. I should have done it when I was young. This hits home... Be blessed and Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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