Dear 123996 ;
Thank you for sharing your story "The War Nobody Sees" [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s)
There's a War going on today,
Good opening... This would get my attention to make me want to read the remainder of your story... but this should be the complete sentence... It should read... There's a War going on today.
What I liked Most
You'll speak your mind about the war in Iraq but do you care about the war just around the block?
Great quote. Mostly true. Most people are against the war in Iraq, and will say so, but they don't have an answer on stopping the war. The same people cannot even see the war "just around the block" until their car is burglarized, or until they are personally held at gunpoint.
On a Personal Note
There's a War going on today, and I feel that if I don't say this no one will.
Okay, there is a problem with this sentence... What is it that you feel no one will say,There's a War going on today? or Its messed up jacked up and nobody notices.
First off... you've already said that there's a War going on today, and second, I don't know what "Its messed up jacked up and nobody notices." even means. What is "Its"? The War? Everyone notices the war!
People are getting killed you can throw them in jail, kill them yourself or do what you've been doing and look the other way. You think you'll never be able to stop it, it has been going on since the beinning of time. At least try who knows it may work it may not but at least give it a shot.
People are getting killed you can throw them in jail, kill them yourself, or do what you've been doing and look the other way. You think you'll never be able to stop it, it has been going on since the beginning of time. At least try, who knows, it may work, it may not, but at least give it a shot.
You don't have to be 18 to die in this wor.
You don't have to be 18 eighteen to die in this wor war.
If nobody stops it how many people will be drafted into this war?
If nobody stops it, how many people will be drafted into this war?
The last time I checked, the US has an all volunteer Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps, and National Guard. No one has been drafted since 1970.
How many parents have to lose they their kids?
How many little kids have to walk in there big brothers and sisters footsteps?
How many little kids have to walk in there their big brothers and sisters footsteps?
The story you have written here is definitely a controversial one. It strikes many chords in society, and would gain many readers. You do need to break up the paragraph into sections to make it more reader friendly. Once you have made one point, start a new paragraph for the next point. Also you need to make sure what you are writing is truth, or you will not be read. Your statement about the draft is not true, so everyone reading you, would get to that statement and simply turn the page and quit reading. You are learning well and coming along in your writing skills... Write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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