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51
51
Review of Lonely Road  
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


Dear ℰ𝒯𝒞... ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Lonely Road [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          This is a well thought out poem/song about life and death. This is possibly a part of the Alcohol awareness program that is put on at High Schools by Hospitals - Police Departments - and Emergency Medical Technicians, if it is it should have won a prize. Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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52
52
Review of Cristie  
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear Elizabeth ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Cristie [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Good... could be better but I don't have any suggestions.

What I liked Most
*Note*          She was stunningly beautiful. Her strawberry-blonde hair waved down to the small of her back; light brown eyes managed to project herself in a light, flirty way. She wasn’t one of those women who were so tanned that they were different shades of orange, but she wasn’t an albino either. The sun always managed to bring out brown tints in her hair, teasing the men that watched her more.
Nice descriptive section... You've managed to let me see the mother without describing her. Great job!

On a Personal Note
*Note*          There are a few things that can be discussed. Most of them little. Grammatically, you need to spell out numbers ten, eight, fifteen, etc... when less than 100. It really is a burden to read, and is a slip up to the readers eye when reading 10, or 15. I don't know how this is in Oxford English however.

All in all keep writing, this was a great story... I wanted to read more... Write On!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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53
53
Review of Sometimes  
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)


Dear Found ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Sometimes [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          I filled the edless abyss
I filled the edless endless abyss
If you've filled it, let's at least spell correctly... haha...

*Note*          Nice rant... can I join in? Write on!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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54
54
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear T.J. Wrathe ;

Thank you for sharing your poem "A Lovers Ramblings [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Your touch sets me a blaze
Your touch sets me a blaze ablaze


*Note*          The only error I saw is the one above... I am pretty sure that ablaze is one word. The poem is nicely written, almost erotic. Words are used well. Be Blessed, and Write On!!



The Gospel BluesMan
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55
55
Review of Wolven: Prologue  
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear S.H. Hicks ;

Thank you for sharing your prologue "Wolven: Prologue [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Nice opening... It might be better if you started with the second line... "There was no mercy, no pity, no compassion left within them his eyes, only the desire to kill. Then follow with the first line, A fire burned behind his eyes them that seemed would be the equivalent to a thousand raging forest fires.
To me... this is a better opening, grabbing the reader quicker into the "kill" zone and putting them into the story, and would read like this... "There was no mercy, no pity, no compassion left within his eyes, only the desire to kill. A fire burned behind them that seemed would be the equivalent to a thousand raging forest fires."
Of course, you could put the "killing fire" in to keep your thought process going forward with the rest of the paragraph.

What I liked Most
*Note*          The only regret that stung him now, on what he was sure was the precipice of death, was not being able to say goodbye.
I like this because it was the first real statement that gave humanistic value to the beast. It gives us hope...

On a Personal Note
*Note*          (and they were quite a few of them)
(and they there were quite a few of them)


*Note*          He understood that he would fight, fight for everything he has every cared for in this lifetime.
He understood that he would fight, fight for everything he has had every ever cared for in this lifetime.


*Note*           His hands dug into the hard earth as he focused this fire, and looked up
His hands dug into the hard earth as he focused on this fire, and looked up...


*Note*          His hands dug into the hard earth as he focused this fire, and looked up into the eyes of the man who was so intent on killing him tonight, that he could not see any other outcome. But it was this outcome that Logan must fight for. Despite all the broken bones he felt sting with pain as he slowly tried to stand upon them, and even more pain when a Wolven who stood behind him kicked him back down on the harsh cold ground.
These two sentences need work... there are three or four sentences in here... and they need to be split up or shortened for content.


*Note*          This is a very interesting sci-fi story which has me going... I caught myself wanting to read on with nothing else to read. Pretty good job even with the grammatical problems. I'll have to give you a good mark for content... Write On!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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56
56
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear Harry ;

Thank you for sharing your story "The Canine's Howling At The Moon [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Nice beginning... leaving us all in disgrace. Good way to keep us reading!

What I liked Most
*Note*          Other angels, despairing of Man’s paradise lost and
his life of perfection now replaced with one full of fears,
hardship, and pain, joined the first angel in the crying.
This is my favorite idea in the poetic verse, although I think it needed more work to come out smoother... Something is not just right...

On a Personal Note
*Note*          This is a great metaphoric idea of how the canine got their howl, and pretty well put into words. I do think it needed a little more work toward the third verse to be smoother, although I don't have any suggestions. The last two sets of line are excellent. Write on!


The Gospel BluesMan
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57
57
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


Dear Sophy ;

Thank you for sharing your poem "The Day My Father Died [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          The poem, though storylike in character, leads the reader down a trail of nature and beauty. This is what I enjoy about writing. We can take someone somewhere they have never been and let them experience our emotions. Great job... Write On!


The Gospel BluesMan
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58
58
Review of Kidnapped  
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)


Dear Jessica ;

Thank you for sharing your poem "Kidnapped [18+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Goodness, what a sad subject. But I think you have nailed it... So sad... Write on!


The Gospel BluesMan
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59
59
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)


Dear 123996 ;

Thank you for sharing your story "The War Nobody Sees [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          There's a War going on today,
Good opening... This would get my attention to make me want to read the remainder of your story... but this should be the complete sentence... It should read... There's a War going on today.

What I liked Most
*Note*          You'll speak your mind about the war in Iraq but do you care about the war just around the block?
Great quote. Mostly true. Most people are against the war in Iraq, and will say so, but they don't have an answer on stopping the war. The same people cannot even see the war "just around the block" until their car is burglarized, or until they are personally held at gunpoint.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          There's a War going on today, and I feel that if I don't say this no one will.
Okay, there is a problem with this sentence... What is it that you feel no one will say,There's a War going on today? or Its messed up jacked up and nobody notices.
First off... you've already said that there's a War going on today, and second, I don't know what "Its messed up jacked up and nobody notices." even means. What is "Its"? The War? Everyone notices the war!

*Note*          People are getting killed you can throw them in jail, kill them yourself or do what you've been doing and look the other way. You think you'll never be able to stop it, it has been going on since the beinning of time. At least try who knows it may work it may not but at least give it a shot.
People are getting killed you can throw them in jail, kill them yourself, or do what you've been doing and look the other way. You think you'll never be able to stop it, it has been going on since the beginning of time. At least try, who knows, it may work, it may not, but at least give it a shot.

*Note*          You don't have to be 18 to die in this wor.
You don't have to be 18 eighteen to die in this wor war.

*Note*          If nobody stops it how many people will be drafted into this war?
If nobody stops it, how many people will be drafted into this war?
The last time I checked, the US has an all volunteer Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps, and National Guard. No one has been drafted since 1970.

*Note*          How many parents have to lose they their kids?

*Note*          How many little kids have to walk in there big brothers and sisters footsteps?
How many little kids have to walk in there their big brothers and sisters footsteps?


*Note*          The story you have written here is definitely a controversial one. It strikes many chords in society, and would gain many readers. You do need to break up the paragraph into sections to make it more reader friendly. Once you have made one point, start a new paragraph for the next point. Also you need to make sure what you are writing is truth, or you will not be read. Your statement about the draft is not true, so everyone reading you, would get to that statement and simply turn the page and quit reading. You are learning well and coming along in your writing skills... Write on!


The Gospel BluesMan
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60
60
Review of You Bleed Me Dry  
Review by Bluesman
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)


Dear Venturing into writing :) ;

Thank you for sharing your poem "You Bleed Me Dry [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Isn't this the way the human element normally handles this situation? When we are shunned, we look at the situation and wonder what WE did wrong to cause the breakup. Time and again it is the change of the OTHER person, who found someone else, or is exploring someone else, or got too close and was getting scared. JUST BE FRIENDS? What do they think you are in the first place. You are really good friends until all of the hoopla they are laying on you... no... I think if things couldn't stay the same, they would simply have to break off completely.

The poem was written pretty well, non rhyming, non rhythmic style. You definitely got your point across. Be Blessed and Write ON!


The Gospel BluesMan
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61
61
Review of A Day in My Life  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear writehanded~on hiatus ;

Thank you for sharing your story "A Day in My Life [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

What I liked Most
*Note*          You KNOW what I liked the most don't you!!!
But the best thing now is it's my
Turn to just embarrass him!
Yes... do it baby, every day! go man, go!

On a Personal Note
*Note*          There was nothing so satisfying as embarassing my son in front of his friends. The fun of it? He thought we were embarrassing because we were poor, broke, hicks... because all of his friends parents lived in big houses and had swimming pools in their back yards, and were members of the country clubs. I don't think he has come out of this thinking quite yet, but maybe soon.

WRITE ON!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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62
62
Review of Scrap Metal  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


Dear Hyperiongate ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Scrap Metal [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Pretty good opening... I kept reading anyway, there might be a better way to have done it but I don't have any suggestions.

What I liked Most
*Note*          That was where it ran into Thelma, the dearly departed’s better half. The shotgun blast made quick work of the orb.
Tee Hee... silly little orb!

On a Personal Note
*Note*          This is a pretty well written little short... To get all the details in 300 words is rough, (I'm a victim of this) but it will surely make you a better writer.
You might have done better if you had stayed in order with the storyline. The first was pretty unusual for me, and it added to your wording to make it come out right, but... all in all this was good... Write on!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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63
63
Review of Tanya  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (4.0)


Dear Sarah~goodbye writing.com ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Tanya [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          This opening was a little weak, however fit the short story well. I would expect this type of opening to be somewhere in the middle of a book, where the reader was already hooked on the story.

What I liked Most
*Note*          Every second appeared to drizzle with illuminous rainbows and flame itself up more powerful than blue waves of fire.
This is a pretty powerful sentence. The only thing wrong with it are the words appeared and itself which weakens the statement.
It would be stronger like this... Every second drizzled with illuminous rainbows and flamed up more powerful than blue waves of fire.


On a Personal Note
*Note*          There are a few other places where sentences are weakened by similar words...
"The intensity of his gaze seemed to burn a hole in Tanya's eyes." The intensity of his gaze burned a hole in Tanya's eyes.
"He didn't seem to notice, however, ""He didn't notice, however, "
Everything in the world seemed to freeze Everything in the world froze
That heavenly beauty of those features seemed too much for a mere human. That heavenly beauty of those features were too much for a mere human.
All of these "seeming" instances in a piece weaken your prose and cause room for misunderstanding in a readers mind. If something doesn't "seem" right to a character, it's okay, but we don't write it that way. We actually write it to show that the character "knows" something isn't right. This puts the reader "in the ball game" and thinking on the same level as the character.

I really like the story, and how it unfolded the meeting between the two... it however is not quite finished... so Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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64
64
Review of Down the well  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (3.0)


Dear Cinch ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Down the well [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Although complex, a pretty good first line for a story about baby. I kept reading anyway.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Possibly entering a 100-word contest? The main problem I see is statements awry... Dark swamps... then ... our heroine spies it too late and tumbles over cliff’s edge, tumbling rapidly. and yet Baby cannot possibly climb further: the sweet child begins falling.
I submit, that the sentence Tree roots poking from dusty dirt saves her life as hands, feet, even hair grabs at sticks. wasn't sufficient to show that baby was climbing... Where are the swamps? Did she ever enter them?

Enough said... This was a relatively good 100-word project, it simply needs order. Your descriptions are done well but also have underlying problems. Think it through again and give it a good rewrite! It'll be much better... Write On!!!



The Gospel BluesMan
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65
65
Review by Bluesman
Rated: ASR | (5.0)


Dear Shaara ;

Thank you for sharing your poem "The Vampire and the Wolves [ASR] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Whooo... this one is an oldie! I enjoyed the thought that the vampires blood couldn't be taken by the wolf... Keen interpretation... Write on!


The Gospel BluesMan
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66
66
Review of The Scream  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: ASR | (5.0)


Dear Legerdemain ;

Thank you for sharing your prose "The Scream [ASR] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.


On a Personal Note
*Note*           What can I say Leger... you've said it all... Wow, nice piece!
Write on!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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67
67
Review of Forbidden  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


Dear Coujoskia ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Forbidden [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Good!

What I liked Most
*Note*           Beads of sweat trickled down his face, obscuring his sight and stinging his eyes. His lungs burned with every labored breath. He dared not stop, for it was only a few more yards to the portal zone.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Great work. Nice feeling of action and suspense. Keep up the good work... Write On!


The Gospel BluesMan
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68
68
Review of Forever God  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (3.5)


Dear Kate ;

Thank you for sharing your song "Forever God [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

What I liked
*Note*          Rhythmically there should be no problems. I don't know if you've already put this to music or not, (some musicians write the verse first then add music-I write the music then add the verse) but there are two lines I would swap in the second verse, I don't know if this would work musically or not if you already have this set in music but here is how I think the second verse should go--
Your version
Come into me
Live in my heart
Forever God
Stay in my temple
Making me Holy
Reigning in Love
My way
Come into me
Forever God
Live in my heart
Reigning in Love
Stay in my temple
Making me Holy
It seems to be that Making me Holy is more important than Love, so from my Theological background the Holy part should be the last line!

On a Personal Note
*Note*          


The Gospel BluesMan
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69
Review of Darkness  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: ASR | (3.5)


Dear Belest ;

Thank you for sharing your poem "Darkness [ASR] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          This little ode does reveal some pain doesn't it. I think it reads well, however the second verse is a little cumbersome. In fact, I think the entire poem would be better, without the second verse as it is written.

For one thing, when you think of shouting, generally it is in a good realm; shout for joy, when she saw him she shouted with excitement, etc... So, at least for the second verse shout probably isn't the word you are looking for. Screamed, bellowed, roared, screeched are a few words that come to mind that would be more suited to the tone that you need for the verse at hand. So you might want to play with these words and the second verse to see what you can come up with... Write On!


The Gospel BluesMan
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70
70
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (4.0)


Dear ruwth ;

Thank you for sharing your story "What does being a Christian mean to me? [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

What I liked Most
*Note*          My relationship with God through His Son Jesus Christ is the MOST IMPORTANT thing in my life.


On a Personal Note
*Note*          I have hid His Word in my heart that I...
I have hid hidden His Word in my heart that I...

*Note*          At times as I say that, I am certain that have felt like Peter probably did when...
At times as I say that, I am certain that I have felt like Peter probably did when...


*Note*          This is a well written document on your beliefs, however, I couldn't help but think...what is she holding back? And, while I believe every word you wrote, they seemed empty because there wasn't a personal experience included. There wasn't a reason that you "KNOW" He "loves" you, or why in your life it has made a difference to "choose the narrow road." So... in my opinion, (which isn't much you understand) we readers need something here to bite into. What caused you to make this choice? Why is life so full of rainbows on the narrow road, and has it always been easy? Fill in the gaps with this story you have written to let us know you are happy in Christ, but the first part of the story hasn't yet been told. Be Blessed... and Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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71
71
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (4.0)


Dear Fairport ;

Thank you for sharing your poem "The Gardener, the whisper and the seed [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

What I liked Most
*Note*          And the Moral of the Story is...
I just love story/poems with a moral!

On a Personal Note
*Note*          The paragraphs beginning;
         The grandest by the riverside...
         And look, the thorns that wind so low...
should begin with an opening quotation mark to remind the reader that the whisper is still talking~~then ending with the closed quotation mark as you did.

*Note*          Each breath became a harden task
Did you mean? Each breath became a harder task or Each breath became a hardened task


*Note*          This is a great writing with a MORAL! Yea! Good Job... I think you have done a splendid job. Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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72
72
Review of Kayla  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (5.0)


Dear Sophy ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Kayla [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Who can argue with the loyalty and faithfulness of a dog? I can't. Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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73
73
Review of April Summer  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: ASR | (5.0)


Dear Harry ;

Thank you for sharing your poem "April Summer [ASR] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Good... kept me wanting to read more.

What I liked Most
*Note*          I pass a black bird sitting on
the branch of a small tree, his wings raised
half-way and his beak open gasping for air.
He looks as hot as I am beginning to feel.
He shouldn’t dress in solid black on such
a hot day!


On a Personal Note
*Note*          Hot enough for you?
Oh my gawd!!! Is an Apes leg hairy? Does a Beaver have teeth? Does a Rooster ... That guy needs to move back to North Dakota where they measure snow fall in yards! What a cuckoo clock... This was a neat poem, keep up the good work! Write on!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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74
74
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (5.0)


Dear Kristen Eva ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Bobbles and Doo-Dads [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Excellent! Sweet little poem you done here. Good job! You've really come up with something that will fit the bill here, I think this will win the contest, (and I'm not the judge.)
Be blessed and Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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75
75
Review of The Ripple Effect  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (4.0)


Dear FWOF ;

Thank you for sharing your story "The Ripple Effect [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

What I liked Most
*Note*          Honesty of the heart.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          My wife had went through a divorce several years ago.
My wife had went gone through a divorce several years ago.


*Note*          I commend you for placing such a memoir into your portfolio as your first. It does go much further than you explained, because you actually have two stones thrown into the same pond causing ripples against each other (yours and his thrown at different times) and some of them have reached other objects in the pond and started back to clash again.

Life never gets easier, even without those stones. My wife and I have been married thirty six years and satan is throwing stones in where we don't have any. So do not ponder and worry over your stones. Praise God that you have the wherewithal to turn them over to Him. Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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