Thank you for sharing your story "The Fog [Chapter One]" [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s) There really wasn't an opening line, but the opening two paragraphs were good.
What I liked Most Violet watched as the tree's face melded back into it's trunk. She looked down at the leaf. It took her a while to realize that she had no idea what door he was talking about. Violet looked up in horror and watched helplessly as the tree was swallowed up by the thick fog. She was floating again. She put the leaf in her pocket,careful not to bend or tear it. Nice visual.
On a Personal Note This is a well written fantasy. So far it has a great plot line and believable dialogue. The dialogue was written well and carried the storyline well. Good job! Write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story "Untitled" [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s) Not really there.
What I liked Most Her beauty was what attracted men and what haunted her, after having me, she started using. I remember when I was five, I found those little pink and blue ecstasy pills that she mixed with her vitamins. I remembered crawling up to her and asking her what they were, the look in her eyes told me that I said the wrong thing. What a vivid picture here!
On a Personal Note This was my home, smack down in the middle of Beverley Hills, California. This was my home, smack down in the middle of BeverleyBeverly Hills, California. All your Beverly's are misspelled in the story.
With it's sun-kissed girls and guys with all their six-packs, but all isn't what they seem. With it'sits sun-kissed girls and guys with all their six-packs, but all isn't what they seem.
She couldn't even get past Yr 10 in High School in Ohio, She couldn't even get past Yr 10year ten in High School in Ohio, Always spell out numbers when referred to like this.
I thought that she was begging for forgiveness from the lord. I thought that she was begging for forgiveness from the lordLord.
Now you're going to ask about my dad, daddy was a rich executive at some fashion company which is why I suppose I've grown up with all the privileges of the wealthy and spoiled, but the one sacrifice was that he was never here. Now you're going to ask about my dad. Daddy was a rich executive at some fashion company which is why I suppose I've grown up with all the privileges of the wealthy, and spoiled, but the one sacrifice, was that he was never here.
The story is somewhat lethargic in speed and tone, which may be what you want to portray. If you are telling the story of a girl who is living a lazy life on the edge of existence who doesn't want to get out of her situation, this is the way to tell it. Like Eeyore, "okay... I'll get use to it..." If you want to get out, tell it like you are looking for a way to get out! I want out! I'm going to get out! I can get out! Or, if you enjoy the situation... tell it like you enjoy it, but don't lull the reader into a lethargic sleep for no reason.
There were many grammatic errors that need correcting; take care of those and you'll have a better story. Write On!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story "An Alabama Childhood" [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
What I liked Most "No one ... was named Clyde, except Andy Clyde, an old time actor, of course. No Clyde Waynes, Clyde Brandos, Clyde Redfords. " Ha~Ha~Ha~Ha~Ha~! Good, this was good...
On a Personal Note I loved this little story... I think I would've been tempted to put in more humor though. Like... "No Alabama Crimson Clyde umm... Tide Clydes," or "hanging over my head like the Clyde of Damacles" ahh... but this was your story and it was written well my brother... write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story "Empty Nest Solution" [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s) Great opening! Jerks the reader into the story... especially "empty nesting readers" and shoves them right through!
What I liked Most I came home to an empty house. I made the mistake of deciding to clean up the disaster she’d left behind in her flurry of last minute packing/discarding/keeping/tossing. Her room was absolute mayhem. Our youngest daughter just left home for college four weeks ago. My wife is still going through things and crying... I think it is hardest on moms, cutting the last chord, letting go the last time, to be alone with... ah-humm... HIM... the one she married thirty-five years ago... oh-mY--GOD...! ALONE WITH THE MAN THAT HELPED MAKE THESE CHILDREN ?!?!THIS PERSON THAT KNOWS WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY BEFORE I SAY IT ?ANSWERS QUESTIONS BEFORE I ASK THEM ?I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO TALK AGAIN !!
On a Personal Note Great story. You've hit the nail on the head. With the dog and everything... except my wife doesn't do "fur." If a critter has fur, feathers, shells, or etc... it isn't welcome in our house. She has put up with a parakeet for several years, (as long as she doesn't have to touch it) and they have got along fine. She thinks fish are okay, because they don't bark or rub up against you like cats do.
Again, great job on the story... Write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story "The Monster" [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s) Nice beginning... curiosity builds in the reader as he wonders what the little girl is afraid of.
What I liked Most Mommy started to walk out of the dining room with Mirabelle in her arms. She stopped when she heard Mirabelle whisper, “Jellybeans?” Tears filled Mirabelle’s eyes at the thought of losing her favorite candy. Now we're getting personal... losing jelly beans?
On a Personal Note This was a great little story with the plot woven well all the way through it. Nicely carried out. I loved it when Mirabelle... oops, I don't want to give away the story. Write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story "Untitled" [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s) Good beginning, soft entry for a soft story.
What I liked Most Then blondie caught my eyes, and winked. My mouth almost dropped open, but I managed, with some difficuly, to keep it shut. Nice visual...
On a Personal Note This was a nice little story... with an unfinished plot? You leave the reader hanging around a gaggle of swans and ducks? It simply must be finished! Write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story "Unreachable" [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s) Good opening, stunning and direct.
What I liked Most Yes, I know we’ve never kissed, or even dated. But I still love you. I love you more than anyone, even my wife-to-be. Sad... so sad...
On a Personal Note You've done a nice job here, especially considering the 500+ words you did it in. Pretty good descriptions which draw out emotion from the reader. The only thing that might have been better would have been the lack of using the curse word. I think the story would have been stronger without it. Write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story "Wings" [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s) The opening to this story is lacking. I truly don't know what I would do to improve it, however more than an "injustice" must occur. I've always believed that an opening to a short story should grab a reader and shove them into it without them knowing that they have been grabbed. This story takes about four paragraphs to get into, and there are a few grammatical errors the reader must get past to get there.
What I liked Most "I was allowed to visit Steffi in the institute, but I found it very distressing. Steffi was twitchy and nervous. She told me about the other people there, and how they scared her. It upset me so..." This moved me the most. It allowed the sisters to feel each other.
Grammatik Corrections Steffi trusted me with everything and she used to tell me about dream she kept having. Steffi trusted me with everything and she used to tell me about a dream she kept having.
The nest week I made an excuse to visit Steffi in her class. The nestnext week I made an excuse to visit Steffi in her class.
It wasn’t until after she had gone that I realised that she had has wings. It wasn’t until after she had gone that I realised that she had has wings.
On a Personal Note This was a great little story. As I said in the beginning, I had a little trouble getting into it, but once I did I enjoyed it. I'll say that I got into the story about the time that Dad confronted Carli about Steffi's gift.
One thing that would make this an easier read is paragraphing. It would be much better if the story were broken up into ideas, but more especially, broken up where the characters are talking back and forth to each other. I caught myself reading a few sentences over again trying to figure out who was talking or thinking in a few places; so this was cumbersome.
I take it you are from Australia or UK? I noticed the 'Kings Eng' spelling on a few of the words; I'm from Texas. Isn't the internet a great place for sharing your work? You never know who will read it, and for someone half way around the world to get to read it is neat, isn't it?
Anyway, I enjoyed your story, and with a little tweaking it will be a great story and I do hope you find what you want in writing. Write ON !
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story "Abuse, My short story" [18+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
The effects of abuse do fade over time if you let them. I speak from experience also. I don't know how old you are, or how much time has passed, but if you you will learn to fill your life with love and the people and friends around you it can happen. This way, there is no room for the old memories to fade back into their slot.
If you are still around people that are abusing others, you said that this brought these memories back, then you need to remove yourself from them immediately. This is something I had to do.
I talk to my mother and my two sisters less than once a year because of the pains they have caused me. I do not allow them into my life to cause more pain. Many times, even when they send me an e-mail, I delete it unread because of the subject line. This makes life easier, less painful, and more meaningful. There are no more nightmares, no more bad thoughts, and rarely do I even think of them and those situations. My life, and my own family is full of love, faith, and God, and we don't have time for them and their evil ways... Try it, it works... Write on!!!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story "The Cat's Meow" [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s) At first, I thought this was going to be just another cat story, but it turned out okay, as was this intro.
What I liked Most A rather large cat with beautiful, occult green eyes. Don't all cats have some type of occult eyes?
On a Personal Note As to cats... I can take them or leave them. They are, some of them, great pets. I grew up with cats in my home but don't have any now. There was a cat that grew up with me, a stray tabby, that began the string of cats at our household. (We didn't know anything about neutering in the 50's.) Anyway, she followed me around the house like a puppy, and slept on the foot of my bed at night. When I was in front of the TV watching Lucy, Lassie or My Friend Flica, she was in my lap. She was a great cat, but, the thing that bothered me about her was it seemed to me that she could look at me and know what I was thinking. And to talk like a teenager here, "that like freaked me out!" I suppose this is why I don't have cats now. Nice story... Write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story "Malice Intended" [ASR] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s) I think the opening could be much better. I had to read a quite few lines before I got into the story.
What I liked Most ” This place could be managed much better in other hands, I reflected. The first clue...
On a Personal Note Pretty nice slant to the story here! This was a cute way to have the "protagonist" be the bad guy. I was getting suspicious once she went out to talk to the gardener however. Why would anyone be that curious? I'm a cop, and I'm not THAT suspicious. Anyway thanks for a good read. Write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story "On Reviewing-Five Stars" [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s) Purty good I'd say.
What I liked Most Your use of the verknakular.
On a Personal Note You've got me pegged purty close to the quick too. I'm purty much in agreement that there ain't no purfec writers neither, an I'd also lik ta see a 4.99. But I thank that wood be purty hard ta do don't cha no. Write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story "The Climb" [ASR] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s) Excellent opener. Shoves the reader into the story.
What I liked Most “Oh, don’t worry…you won’t fall. The rope will hold you. I got it tied down below. You’ll just dangle there like the spider you are.” I got a chuckle out of this line... It is serious, but I thought it was funny too!
“George Meany! You get me down from here this instant!” I also loved this line... "George Meany!" Funny... too funny!
On a Personal Note What a shocking ending to the female! You'll hang him... What? Hahaha... Yes, I suppose Bob would be cooperative with a rope around his neck wouldn't he! This was great fun to read. Glad it was out in the open for me to read, I missed it when I was carousing around in your port the other day. Have a good day Bill, and Write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story "I've Got a Crush on You" [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s) Excellent first line! This grabs the reader a shoves them through the story.
What I liked Most But that look, that LOOK! I saw it in his eyes, didn't I? The tension you build is great! You keep the reader right inside your mind... excellent!
On a Personal Note Super short story... great delivery, good job! What else can I say? WRITE ON!!!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story "Something to Think About" [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
What I liked Most Heartfelt honesty when writing the piece.
On a Personal Note I agree almost completely with this little piece, up to the point where the child loses respect for his/her parent and starts abusing their "rights." They are still loved by the parents but sometimes the parent must put a foot down and sever a relationship until they come back around. It's hard, and hopefully never has to be done, but sometimes... Write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story "Dead End" [ASR] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s) Good opening, pushes the reader on.
On a Personal Note This is a good story, however I felt like it read choppy to me... like parts were cut off in the dialogue. This is only a personal opinion mind you, but I think it could be smoother. The story flowed well from a plot standpoint and was well presented. Write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story "In Search of Inspiration" [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s) Good opening... presents conflict and dilemma.
What I liked Most I was shocked to see standing beside the deer was a pigtailed, freckled face ten-year-old girl who still believed in a world without limitations. I enjoyed the rekindling of youth...
On a Personal Note This is a great story of returning youth and instilled enlightenment. I can't remember when I didn't love to spin a yarn or tale around a campfire, or with friends just standing around. We always said, "The first lier hasn't got a chance!" now I write fiction, and so do you... Write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your poem "My Favorite Color" [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
This is a great outlook on color and its realm of glory. It reminds me of a woman who asked a little boy what his favorite color was, and he said, "God's smile when I pray." What she had not known was the little boy was blind. This is great... Write on!
Be Blessed,
Michael
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your poem "I Wonder" [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s) This line is good. It brings up a point but does not lead us to the ending, leaving us as readers wanting to know where the poem is going.
What I liked Most So I said no, and shut the door,
choosing to save myself. This line makes me wonder what we actually choose to save ourselves from. Is it conflict, or actually loving someone enough to care?
On a Personal Note The ending took me by surprise, although I knew it could happen. The spinning cylinder was the actual surprise, the gamble of life. I suppose we all gamble a little don't we? When we get in our car to enter the highway, this is probably the largest daily gamble we take every single day. But we still do it. Especially those of us who live in major metropolitan cities like I do, it really is a chance every time we get into the car; it's another roll of the dice. And, we have our little spats and close the doors on our loved ones and go to work like everything will be just fine in a few hours. It is all a game isn't it? Life... spooky your poem... real spooky... Write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story "The First Freefall " [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s) Nice opener... could be a little better but they did push me through the story.
I Lyke Grammer In this section I point out a few grammar errors because it is necessary. After all it is the nature of the beast.
Everything I had sough to free myself from, had fallen away. Everything I had soughsought to free myself from, had fallen away.
On a Personal Note I too have been to the "Twilight Zone" I thought is was great! However, my wife will sit on the bench with you and wait while I ride with your friend... he-he... Nice story... Aerosmith's was great too! Write on...
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story "The Mission" [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s) Excellant! Great opening lines... you pushed me through the story with the opening.
I Lyke Grammer In this section I point out a few grammar errors because it is necessary. After all it is the nature of the beast.
A girl was kidnapped, which was an obvious violations of the treaty. A girl was kidnapped, which was an obvious violationsviolation of the treaty.
I took off towards the brothers. I took off towardstoward the brothers. I can never decide on this one either, however I believe toward is a singular movement. I went toward... we went toward... etc... Of course I may be wrong and both may be correct, I dunno...
As you say yourself, the grammar is a bit off, but the above are the only outstanding things that I saw. There are questionable commas (in or out) that we all bicker over but those are for the author to decide.
On a Personal Note I enjoyed reading this little piece of witchcraft fiction. It is the first time I've ever read anything about witchcraft where power is drained for some reason or another. Interesting concept. Write on brother!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your story Death of a Surrender with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Opening Line(s) Considering the subject matter, this could be a much better opening. She could be much more anxious while waiting for the door to be opened, or could be startled when the door was opened. Anything that would spear the reader into the story and keep them reading.
What I liked Most Then in mid-sentence, General Lee gasped and sat forward in his chair. I asked him if he was alright and watched him clutch at the left side of his chest. His left hand opened and closed several times, as if spasming.
Good scene, well balanced with the rest of the paragraph and well written.
On a Personal Note This is a wonderful try at changing a historical look at what might have happened if Lee had not signed the surrender. The fact is, the South was whipped and had little fight left in it at this point. I think the war was over whether or not it was signed, but this is a nice story, write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your poem Look Up to My Flag with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Theme(s) Hope
On a Personal Note Okay... I'm not a poet because I sometimes get tangled up in words... Umm I realize this poem has been around for five years so you probably aren't in the mood to change it, but like I said, I got tangled up in the words.
In the second line, I have a problem with a fragrance spreading peace... every flag I have ever smelled either smelled like mildew from being packed wet, or like paint from being packed new. I realize this is just a metaphor but without something for it to smell like this was all I could picture. So I think a word like an image spreading peace... would be much better.
Then in the third line, I also took notice with;
A show of mercy
its tenderness,
urging a presence of heart
and mind,...
It seemed to me that tenderness and mercy were backwards...
Its tenderness,
a show of mercy,
urging a presence of heart
and mind,...
Anyway this is a wonderful poem... write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your poem with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Theme(s) Love, Infatuation
I Lyke Grammer In this section I point out a few grammar errors because it is necessary. After all it is the nature of the beast. My heart swooned Line leaves tense... Should be My heart swoons
I'm so excited
So so blessed
So much I like
It is a crime First two lines leaves the initial verses tense, then returns to correct tense.
On a Personal Note One of the problems of poetry is the ability of the writer to complete the verse in the same tense it was begun in. This is the same problem that all writers have with short story's or even non-fiction. The tense must be correct or you lose perspective on the subject. This is a beautiful poem with a few bumps that need to be corrected, hang in there and Write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
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Thank you for sharing your poem with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.
Theme(s) Undying Infatuation, Crush, Possibly Love
What I liked Most The reason I no longer shrink into the background. This is someone who has pulled you out of yourself and caused you to be more open. I like that.
On a Personal Note In a previous line you said, You hold my heart. then two lines later you have a repetitive word, Just as you hold that guitar. Could this be better said leaving the word hold out... Just as you caress that guitar.
Further down the poem, you have another repetitive word with a double meaning; I show up to the shows this could be remedied with I'll be at all the shows, or I'll come to the shows etc... following with I'll lead in the cheers, and I'll stand alone...
The line My fears a minimal Was this a typo? Was it suppose to be My fears a minimum?
or My fears are minimal. I missed the meaning here.
This is a beautiful poem with a few bumps... I think you've done a great job... write on!
The Gospel BluesMan
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There really wasn't an opening line, but the opening two paragraphs were good.
