Great Story,
This little story is well written and perfect for children in the age range you have chosen. I know my little first grader would have enjoyed it. Are you going to publish it? If so, do you have someone to do the artwork? It is a great story...
Hello Mick,
Good story, pretty well researched and to the point. We in America are over nourished and FAT. Me included. I think some of the problem is the way we are treated medically for ailments we have. My doctor doesn't treat my illness, he treats the symptoms for my illness. He really doesn't care what is wrong with me. Internal medicine is a farce! On three of my medications one of the side effects is... yep you guessed it... "weight gain." Now I am ninety pounds overweight and have high blood pressure! Oh, now back to your story, sorry... I got off line there.
The only problems I see are grammatical, in that you tend to put your periods etc... outside of parenthesis... these always go inside. And, you are using way to many slashes et.al. fruits/vegetables during the story. It is much more pleasing to the eye of the reader to just say fruits or vegetables. Other than this good job! Write on!
Hello,
Thank you for allowing me to read your story. I enjoyed reading it throughout.
Jumping through time with you in the tale was a bit bumpy. It took doing a couple of times to realize what was happening. The statement you used: It had been a very long time since he had felt such fear. Could work, however simply space between the paragraphs didn't do it for me. Maybe a dashed line to break up the time changes? Or, He thought back twenty years to high school... You decide...
I like the way your paragraphs are indented. It makes them easily read and picked up. Good job!
You did a good job of using animal instinct to move the dog around.
All in all a good story. Keep up the good work and Write On!
You have painted a sweet picture of you and your mom hunting for bottles. It is great that you have such a wonderful memory to share. Thank you for sharing it with us at WDC. I am going to try to give you some help without ruining your perfect memory.
The first thing that I noticed is that you have chosen to write dialect in two voices, the 3rd, and 1st person. This is extremely difficult to do correctly and much harder to read at times. I personally would change this, but it is your story.
The second thing is that your paragraphing makes it difficult to keep up with what is happening. Things need to be spaced out so we can see different events in the story.
Now let's take part of a paragraph and disect it to see how this could help...
One day mom asked me "Patty would you like to go bottle hunting with me?"
I replied " Sounds like fun.Let's go. But where?"Her answer was "The trash piles around the neighborhood is a good place to start." Maybe it would be better like this;
One day mom asked if I would like to go bottle hunting, I thought it sounded like fun but I had no clue where to go. Her idea was to look around the neighborhood in the trash piles.
The third person is my way of handling things but is not the only way. You are the author, you need to decide. I think you have a nice story, keep on writing, and be blessed.
Whew... what a ride! Thank you for taking me on this emotional roller coaster but boy is it a downer. It really drops at the end and it is a quick drop too. I didn't expect this ending, it was a real shocker but that is how life really is, shocking for sure. You have written a wonderful story about life here and so realistic.
The dialect was almost perfect, I think maybe the boyfriend should have at least uttered a sound or cleared his throat, but that is all I can see that could improve.
Char,
This was an unbelievable story... extremely well written throughout. Well planned from beginning to end. I found myself enveloped in the story feeling the characters emotions.
Hello,
Once again this is a compelling story. Well thought out and well written. It has the same problems as Horoscope in that unfamiliarity with language and sentence structure and capitalization etc...
It is still so well written that emotion comes into play and keeps the reader reading however, so hang in there and keep on writing!
Hello Cliona, You have written a nice story here with good friction, but you do have grammar problems.
I enjoyed the story, and it kept me reading most of the time although I did have trouble with pronunciation of the names in my feeble skull at times. Being American, I applied nicknames to each of the long names, which made reading much easier for me.
I did notice that capitalization of proper names are missed throughout the piece including the country of India a couple of times. This is a big grammatic bad, and takes away from your points terribly.
It is appears that English is a second language to you, and considering this, this paper is very well written. Keep up the good work, Write On!
Hello again Ash, this is a really good recolection of the events of Julia's memory of the family's history.
It is written well, and I thought that you had misspelled the word brooch but to my surprise you had not! I thought that it was spelled with an "e" on the end but I was wrong; there I go thinking again.
Anyway, back to your story; one of the things I think that is important that you have left out of this story is how the brooch was found, and how she now has it back in her possession. This would give her more reason to do what she did in the end of the story.
Thank you for the priviledge of reading this piece. It was definately dark, as you intended and written pretty well.
The main problem I had with the piece was understanding the "who and why" of it. Why was the person ugly except for the smile, etc... also why was the story written? Was this person simply a love slave? or was this person one of the people in the photos? Is this a person, or a vampire, or a female or what? There really isnt' enough description to tell, almost but not quite.
Congratulations on creating a unique story. It has been the wish of physicians and scientists for ages to find the fountain of youth.
I enjoyed the thought process of this, now young, physician who existed in this story. His thoughts however are created at times with many run on paragraphs. I think the same story could be told in half the words.
Wow...
What wonderful memories you have brought to life here on paper, and what wonderful insight. We all have regrets of things we did not do with our siblings when we had the chance...
This is a sweet story of love in its purest form. It is well written with a few typos though none that are too obvious. I think that you have done an excellant job at carrying a romance from infantcy through to adulthood, although I wish romance could once form without premarital sex, it appears that it never does in written form any longer.
"...cherry crib with the blankets Beth had crotched for him." crotcheted?
"Beth hung on to a tree close to edge." close to the edge?
There was also a problem I had noticed with the word "then" that I could not find when I went back... Good work... Write On!
Thank you for the opportunity of reading your story. I enjoyed the subject, and was kept at interest throughout from beginning to end. I was especially drawn to the smooth handling of dialect within the story, it seems to have been handled with great ease.
The only weakness I could find was maybe one between the building of tension of the Gargoth creature and the humans. Maybe the tension wasn't to be felt yet, but I didn't feel anything being built up as of the ending of this chapter or text. Merely the presense of the creature was felt but no tension.
I did think that Gargoth was a great name for a creature of the magnatude described so far, but further description would be necessary for a true acessment.
I enjoyed your story right up to the ending. Such a sad choice to have a little girl commit murder, but a cruel world we live in.
I found only a couple of small errors, typos if you will, one near the end you say "Charity, you mother wants you, " I believe you intended for this to be "YOUR mother wants you...
In another place I thought I saw another of the same You/Your problem but when I went back I couldn't find it.
This story is well planned and written from beginning to end. It kept me wanting to read the next line...
This is pretty good but lacking. This is a paper on what the scripture means to you... It would be better if you could break it down as to what it would mean to everyone who reads it.
Example:
Road Runner / Coyote to me is:
2 Corin 1:9
we had the sentence of death (ACME BOMBS) so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead;
That coyote just keeps on ticking after those bombs explode, so someone is watching over him, ya know?
This is a very sweet story of love given and taken away. I think you have done a good job with plot and flow and you kept me wanting to read from beginning to end.
Good Job!
I'm not sure the word virginal works in the sentence, "His voice and knowledge of romantic poetry lit a flame in her virginal heart." Maybe just plain virgin would be fine. Virginal was somewhat distracting from the storyline to me.
Somewhere along about paragraph 28 or 29 there is a spelling problem "Their" is spelled Theie.
I also found it odd for this story to be rated 13+ (because of content I'm sure) and have such simple sentence structure. The sentence stucture seemed to have been written with the younger audience in mind.
With all that said I truly enjoyed the read. Keep up the good work and write on!
I enjoyed your story about Ben. He had a great day going until that new car smell messed up his mind!
I like action in stories, however in your first five sentences you begin with actions ending in -ing. This was almost a turn off for me. Try to mix it up a bit. Beginning a sentence with action is good, but maybe not every sentence.
Thanks for a look at what it means to have a father that wants to share lifes outdoor experiences with his son.
I enjoyed the way the dream flowed from the beginning of the fishing trip until the end when "the boy" woke up to take his own son fishing.
One thing that diddistract me was the number of times (16) the term "the boy" was used for the young man in the story. I think it would read easier using the standard he, his... descriptions once it is established that the story is about "the boy." This is what most readers are accustomed to reading, and it keeps them in a comfortable zone.
Write On! I would like to see more work on life experiences with the outdoors, especially those between you and your son.
Applause! What a wonderful story. My emotions flowed freely as you walked me through this love you have for your father as he has grown with you through life. The sad part of life is that (hopefully if God gives us such a long life with our children) our children will feel the same emotion about us, and feel the sadness of our passing youth.
Great story! I know absolutely nothing about rugby, but I do know it's a sport that it too rough for this 54 year old!
I enjoyed the way the plot thickened as the injuries the birds inflicted played a part in the psyche of the players willingness to continue. The captain, proving his position on the team was not a quitter and plowed on!
Execelent descriptive elements... I felt like I was chasing turkeys, and was glad I wasn't! Keep up the good writing...
Be Blessed,
Michael
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Jumping through time with you in the tale was a bit bumpy. It took doing a couple of times to realize what was happening. The statement you used: 
I like the way your paragraphs are indented. It makes them easily read and picked up. Good job!
The first thing that I noticed is that you have chosen to write dialect in two voices, the 3rd, and 1st person. This is extremely difficult to do correctly and much harder to read at times. I personally would change this, but it is your story.
I found only a couple of small errors, typos if you will, one near the end you say 
One thing that diddistract me was the number of times (16) the term "the boy" was used for the young man in the story. I think it would read easier using the standard he, his... descriptions once it is established that the story is about "the boy." This is what most readers are accustomed to reading, and it keeps them in a comfortable zone.
Write On! I would like to see more work on life experiences with the outdoors, especially those between you and your son.