|Hello, carlton607 . I found your bad writing contest entry "Annie" . Since you submitted to a bad writing contest, most of my suggestions will not surprise you.
Please remember, my review is only how I, as an individual, see your piece. Accept what you agree with, ignore that which you disagree with. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful, should you decide to revise your story.
Overall Impression: I applaud you on writing such a difficult-to-digest story. It is rife with poor spelling, grammatical errors, and illogical plot elements.
Characters: You have clearly shown that Annie is frail and something happened to her years ago that still haunts her, yet the reader doesn't know what it is.
Plot: The last sentence is not totally surprising.
Later that morning Annie died and Buster barked sadly at her. However, the logical link between story action and the conclusion is not offered, leaving me unsatisfied.
1 It's a worthwhile effort to read your story aloud, perhaps pretending you are telling it to your friends. Consider your opening paragraph.
It was a stormy and dark night and Annie screamed out loud. "Why?" screamed Annie? She was popular and she liked to knit socks in her spare time. Annie worried and was alone in her house. Do the words roll off your tongue? Would your friends be anxious for what you say next or would they be wondering about what you just said?
2 Meld information with action.
Buster knew that Annie needed help. He barked again when he heard a flash of thunder and Annie pulled the blankets over her face in a quick and scared way. Buster was a mix breed dog and he liked to play.The shift in the paragraph attention from Buster's and Annie's reaction to the storm to a flat description of Buster is jarring. You might want to consider integrating that description with the action. Perhaps this might trigger your thoughts
Buster, although a playful pet, knew that Annie needed help.
3 The paragraph below is wonderfully full of egregious constructions. Kudos.
The high winds caused Annie to fear a hurricane or a tornado. She was petrified like a peace of old wood. Her face froze in the heat under her covers and she sweat, but she remained calm in spite of what had happened in the past, a past she wanted to forget but she couldn't stop remembering. With those thoughts in her mind she drifted off into a pieceful slumber. The reversed placement of peace and pieceful delighted me. The ironic narration imagining her a piece of wood, which would not worried by wind was as pleasing as freezing her face with heat. Ending with a thought she couldn’t forget but which the reader isn't given works to frustrate the need for fictional completeness.
Diction, Typos, Spelling: ▼
Thank you for sharing your writing, carlton607 . I'll look for other illustrative entries you may post.