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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bobinusa
Review Requests: FULL
115 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I aim to be straight-forward. My reviews will focus on my reading experience, not the way I would write your story.
I'm good at...
Story logic and motivation are important to me. I enjoy word play and crisp dialog.
Favorite Genres
Short stories of interpersonal drama, comedy that comes from character, and science fiction are my particular favorites.
Least Favorite Genres
Horror and gore have to be really good to keep my interest.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and flash fiction
Least Favorite Item Types
Horror
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 ... Next
1
1
Review of Wanderlust  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Felix O'Melany ,
I dropped by your portfolio and read your poem, "Wanderlust. The title drew me in.

Poetry is not my forte, so consider my comments from that baseline. Although the poem was short, it was sufficiently intricate that I had to read slowly and carefully to catch its meanings.

My favorite line is the second part of the enjambment not to tie | Leashes to our necks or nooses to our minds. Both body and mind can wander—or not.

"Wanderlust" covers much more than the title alludes to. The opening two lines define life, while the final line deals with life's end.

You might consider this. The reference to Unleash Earth's passion and then nature's high, for me, worked against including mental wanderings within the poem's scope.

Thank you for sharing your poetry,Felix O'Melany .

Bob

PS. One time, at a coffee shop with a charming chanteuse performing, I got struck by the poetic muse. Perhaps
 
STATIC
Claire de Lune  (E)
Poem of Allure
#2184499 by Ari Lox
might interest you.


He has the facts, but not the phosphorescence of learning.
Emily Dickinson



2
2
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, classmate, Sumojo . I'd ask you what your doing, but I found your story "The walls dripped nightmares in the community newsfeed—3rd place in Choconut's in Wonderland "Second Time Around Contest . Congratulations!

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

I felt the dank gloom and foreboding evil through the store. Very effectively done.

Odd thing. When I read the year 2020 A.D. marks the end of over a century of wars all over the Earth. My first, fleeting impression was wars no longer occurred.

You might want to spell check. Typos in Committee, Millennium, and Wildebeest break the reader's march through the story world.

Nonetheless, an eerie read tied with daily events. Very engaging.

Thank you for sharing your story, Sumojo . Keep on writing!

Ari Lox

P.S. I don't have any story quite in "The walls dripped nightmares's vein, but my story "Honor the Ghost might intrigue.


3
3
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello, K.HBey . I visited your portfolio after you reviewed "Bully. I found your story "A controversial new medicine. The title and description caught my interest. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore what doesn't. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

I was able to follow the main flow of action in your story, though it required me to ignore violations of normal English prose. I wish I could read your story in your native tongue.

It is a nice comeuppance for the thief of Jasmine's work to suffer from the opposite of the intended effect.

There is a tremendous amount of activity in the short story for its length. To my way of thinking, too much happens too quickly to allow identification with Jasmine's plight.

I like utopian stories. Consider adding features to the amazing place that fit together in novel ways.

Thank you for sharing your story, K.HBey . Keep on writing!

Ari Lox





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4
4
Review of Grocery Day  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (4.5)
Funny story about sad reality.
You missed an 'isle' that should be 'aisle.'
We need humor. Thank you.


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5
5
Review of Samantha  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Lovina 🐕‍🦺 . I found your story "Samantha as a highlighted entry in your portfolio. I enjoyed reading it. I hope you find this feedback useful. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore the rest. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

I felt the dread Samantha experienced for her impending death, on the bogus charge of witchcraft. Nicely done.

After Mother told her the story, I greatly enjoyed the inversion of searching for A place where the notion of witchcraft does not destroy the intellect while Mother was actually a witch.

The wrap-up with Samantha wondering if Isabel feared bats was an appropriately dire turn.

You might consider a bat on the cell window in the opening scene. In that way, preparing the reader for the bat in Mother's tale. That startled me with its abrupt introduction.

*Bullet*Mechanics:

Good story. Good read. Thank you for sharing your story, Lovina 🐕‍🦺 . Keep on writing!

Ari Lox





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6
6
Review of Moral Imperative  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, hikelangel. I found your story "Moral Imperative on the Science Fiction Contest Page. Congratulations on winning the February contest.

I enjoyed reading this smoothly flowing flash story with an important theme.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore what isn't. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

I admire the liquidity of your prose. It reads easily with a close relation between the words and the thoughts behind them. Although there are a couple of worldview items I'd quibble with, that in no way detracts from my pleasure with the clear dissection of the "Moral Imperative".

A little typo to fix up: White House, not white house.

This a well-constructed story that pulled me along. However, if you decide to touch it up, you might consider a wrap-up that's not maudlin but incorporates an aspect of the the dilemma.

Excellent story, HikerAngel . You already seem to be prolific, but I'll say it anyhow. Keep on writing!

Ari Lox

P.S. Since you like excursions into philosophic science fiction, "Alien Sofa might interest you.




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7
7
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Bruce. . I accepted your review request for "Red Moon. Book2. Chapter 4..

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Of course, this review is only how I see this chapter of your novel. Since I haven't read the earlier book or chapters, my take on the story reality may be skewed.

Accept what you is useful to you, ignore what isn't. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* Plot:
Significant time duration occurs in this chapter. It opens, just after Jane's rape. She receives no sympathy from her flatmate or Carol at the cafe. She returns home. Months later goes to a unwedded mother's home to give birth to a boy and puts him up for adoption. Shortly after returning home again, she irks her mother sufficiently that she's told to join the military and get out of the house.

I recite all those events to note that only 3000 words were available to convey them. That's not a specific criticism, but a means to indicate that much of the story is told by narration, denying the reader of experiencing the emotional duress that must be motivating Jane's choices. That restricts reader identification with the character.

*Bullet* Setting:
The mention of transistor radio nicely placed me in the story era.

*Bullet* Characters:
The clarity in the opening thinking Ray had been waiting down there, waiting for me, wanting to violate me again was strong. An understandable explanation for her actions.

When Rose says, Don't be silly, he's a nice bloke, I shared Jane's astonishment at her friend's attitude. I would have like an indication of how Jane could have become mixed up with someone so at odds with her own morals. Perhaps that was earlier in book 2. Referring to that, in some sort of flashback or narration, would have characterized Jane better for me.

The scene, soon-to-come in which her friend Carol is screwing the cook in the kitchen, further clouded, rather than clarified, Jane's character and wisdom.

Jane's mother when first mentioned isn't revealed as a step-mother, who favors her nature child over Jane. Since Jane feels this, it should be flavoring her thoughts even before she comes home.

When Jane says, Mum, please, please let me explain. I find it very hard to believe she doesn't yell out, "I was raped." In some way it it needs to be said or Jane needs to justify to herself not saying it.

*Bullet* Climax:
Again, since I've only read this one chapter, my opinion ignores information given in earlier chapters and those to follow.

The last line, wondering what was to become of me is the crucial question. Since it didn't come here, I suppose the next chapter will have her work through her options with their pluses and minuses.

Her narration, wondering what I ever done to make the woman hate me so much surprised me. I expected her to no longer be blind to her step-mother prejudice and to consider it a fact—not due to Jane's actions, but to her stepmother's shortcomings.

*Bullet*Mechanics:

*Bullet* Suggestions:
I thought Red Moon meant I would be reading sci-fi.

*Bullet* Overall Impression: An audacious attempt to examine the consequences of bad events and forced decisions.

Thank you for sharing your story, Bruce. . I look forward to more. Keep on writing!

Ari Lox

PS. I don't know if it's a coincidence, but my short story, "Shaky Hands covers a character's lifetime in a small amounts of words with much narrative summary. If you read others, I'd be interested in how it strikes you.





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8
8
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (4.5)
amy-Has a great future ahead .
Thank you so much for the delightful essay on personification! The ties you point out make solid sense for story development (and poems which unfortunately occur rarely to me). I only wish it were longer.
My venture into personification, "Mr. Owl's Charity is in the Aesop's fables mode.
Your ideas give me some thoughts for future stories that are half-baked at this point.
Ari Lox



9
9
Review of Cheetah McGee  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, tpaulter . I found your story "Cheetah McGee in your portfolio. I enjoyed reading it and laugh whenever I think of the title, excellent humor.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* Characters:
The words flowed nicely; however, I had trouble deciding who was talking and who was listening. That didn't overly bother me until the end when it was revealed that one character was an alien masquerading as a human.

Because I enjoyed their discussion, I returned to the start. It seemed like the first sentence must be the human and the second paragraph the alien. I didn't try to trace it any further.

*Bullet* Theme:
I liked the battle point: intrinsically equally-valued humans versus pragmatically weighing each human by their contribution.

*Bullet* Climax:
When the alien declared, We need the earth's help if we are going to survive the story didn't resolve the crucial story question, which held until then. Somehow—more explicitly—the discussion over individual valuation must be related to individual species valuation, for a satisfactory story resolution.

*Bullet* Suggestions: If you decide to work on the story further, consider tagging the speakers.

Thank you for sharing your story, tpaulter . The philosophical issue the story grapples with is important and interesting. Keep on writing!

Ari Lox





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10
10
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Averren , although this is an old story, I wanted to find something on your portfolio to comment on. BTW the hole in the rock picture is eye-catching.

I really enjoyed the immediacy of "... Of Sharp Edges and Pain." The integration of multiple senses slowly being understood kept it in the here-and-now.

The loopback ending worked for me as well as an electrical shock being the cause.

Thanks for posting the story and Keep on Writing.
Ari Lox



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11
11
Review of The Move  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, krichmond86 . I found your story "The Move on the review request page.

I enjoyed reading it. Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* Theme: The piece mentions an interesting aspect of many crossroad decisions. This spontaneous decision was probably one of the scariest things I’ve ever done but it was also the best thing I've ever done..

That is worthy of a story; however, I consider "The Move" a memoir. It presents the truth as it is interpreted by the narrator, rather than giving scenes that allow the reader to experience the emotions.

As a memoir, it's fine, but a story needs emotional engagement with the reader. That requires scenes where something of value is being struggled for.

The meaning in the 3rd paragraph the way things were going made it easy to say yes is not in sync with the idea that it was a scary thing. A charitable interpretation can make it so, but an author shouldn't expect readers to do that.

In the concluding paragraph, this idea I wasn’t the nicest when I first met my spouse begs for scenes. First to show the bad behavior and second to show how the new location softened personality.

By the way, {emdash} is the ML code that is useful as in "I was 20—young ..."

Thank you for sharing your story, krichmond86 . Keep on writing!

Ari Lox





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12
12
Review of Not In The Mood  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
W.D.Wilcox
This story gave me a good chuckle. The denseness of the husband is an irony to enjoy.
Nicely done.
Ari Lox


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13
13
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, dragonwoman .

A nice, warm Valentine story and yet nostalgic. Reads smoothly as well.

I'm sure it's just my taste, but I thought the next-to-the-last paragraph was the proper end, with perhaps a clause—on her way to dinner with the kids.

Thanks for posting the story. It warmed the cockles of this old heart.
Ari Lox


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14
14
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, krichmond86 . I found this story "Sunrise Apartments in your portfolio. I enjoyed it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

The feel of the piece, the words and manner in which you described the action pulled me in. I felt and could recognize the grounding of truth.

The story is a narrative summary of scenes, nicely done; however, you might consider offering a stronger guide as to why the older brother changed as he did after the beatdown. Some would respond by becoming more violent. He didn't. Why?

Nice invocation of a growing up in a difficult barrio.

Thank you for sharing your story, krichmond86 . Keep on writing!

Ari Lox


PS This story's background will not seem alien to you despite being placed in an East Coast city fifty plus years ago.
"Wilding in the Time of the Beatles





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15
15
Review of Snow Warning  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, hullabaloo22 . I found your story "Snow Warning in your portfolio which the Quill nominations lead me to. I scrolled through for short stories, which is my interest. I enjoyed reading it.

You captured well and humorously the chaos, empty shelves, and loss of civility that can accompany the prediction of a large snowstorm.

That all was for naught was a pleasing, chastising finish.

*Bullet* Suggestions: You might consider changing The first flake of snow begins to fall to something like "The first bit of precipitation begins to fall"

*Bullet* Overall Impression And Rating: Good, light piece. 4 stars

Thank you for sharing your story, hullabaloo22 . Keep on writing!

Ari Lox

P.S. "Bingo Disaster is a lighthearted story of mine which you might enjoy.




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16
16
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Jolanh . I found your story "The Secret Revealed by looking through your portfolio after seeing your nomination in Best New Portfolio (Quill 2019). It was an interesting read. I hope you find my feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* Plot: Entertaining verbal jousting between the husband and wife. I followed, teasing out the meaning I could. I started forming hypotheses like cheating. All those late nights at the office were late nights on the town.
Or dealing drugs. You put us in danger.
Eventually, it become clearer, between two choices, but where did the danger come from to the family since he was masked and in costume?

*Bullet* Characters: Matthew, Hexfist. It may surprise you to know this reader was not completely clear after reading the story more than twice was Hexfist an actual superhero or a costumed game playing role. I lean to actual superhero because Vierra has such fear and alarm at the discovery as well as Matthew's mantle has been in my family. However,It's been going on since I was eighteen seems like the secret was an act he chose and Vierra labeled his actions "late nights on the town."

When Vierra said, You know my history she alluded to facts I needed some sense of to understand her reaction and the dynamics of the argument.

*Bullet* Typos:
You might consider hyphenating the adjective in half chopped vegetables

*Bullet* Overall Impression And Rating:I really enjoyed your technique. You sucked me in—with statements meaningful to the participants, but to me, on the outside, I had to read on to discover the references. 4 stars

Thank you for sharing your story, Jolanh . Keep on writing!

Ari Lox





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17
17
Review of 🏆Andrew  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, IceSkating SugarCube . I found your story "🏆Andrew paging through your portfolio. It's probably lazy of me to select story that already is a winner, but I wanted to read something well done. And "Andrew" was.

It's a satisfying, though sad reading.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any comment is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

"Andrew" reads very smoothly with the words in fine concert with the thoughts.

The choice of music and lyrics perfectly captured a sad, nostalgic yet not overly elegiac mood.

*Bullet* Suggestions:My immersion was tripped up when Our eyes held onto each other was shortly followed by Then I was jealous of that fan. Of course, the fan was her.

*Bullet* Overall Impression And Rating: Excellent story on an extremely difficult theme. 4 1/2 stars

Thank you for sharing your story, IceSkating SugarCube . Keep on writing!


Ari Lox


P.S. Death is dealt tangentially in another manner in "Honor the Ghost.



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18
18
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Blithe Bill . It's good to see a post from an old classmate.

That insignificant snowflakes can mass to real effect is a necessary reminder this election year.
Ari Lox


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Con . I found your story "It Wasn't a Good Idea in the newbie newsletter. I enjoyed your recreation of the chemistry lab memory.

I performed a similar, unsupervised experiment in chemistry lab, pouring water into concentrated sulfuric acid. My buddy's clothes got holes and his skin beneath burned.

I liked the tone. Starting with if I had to labour for a living, I'd starve to death before I reached voting age. to ending decided then and there that the excitement of scientific discovery could better be borne by spirits bolder than mine. A clear narrator attitude.

Oops, a tiny typo. "thee rooms"

*Bullet* Overall Impression And Rating: 4 1/2 stars

Thank you for sharing your story, Con . Keep on writing!


Ari Lox





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review of Catching Cold  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Joto-Kai . I found your story "Catching Cold on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* My favorite aspects:
The story hints well at deeper motivations. There are many examples, but an early one Shawna's blue eyes saw too much. John looked down at the pedals, gripped the steering wheel, and shook his head. will suffice to make concrete what I mean. It's not explained how Shawna knew too much or what that it was she saw. A disquieting point is that since the story is from John's point-of-view, this narration must be John's assessment that Shawna's blue eyes saw too much. That's a lot of twists for the reader to take.

This sentence worked especially well, meaning and placement augmenting each other. Ahead of him, the road sign said, "Dead end."

He had no right, no right at all, to waste her time like that. This hint at to-be-revealed secret is excellent. I want to know why he thought he had no right to do something. I expect an answer by the end of the story.

*Bullet* Setting:
The story does not set up situations concretely enough. In the beginning, the reader reads Shawna nodded and stepped out, Poised to close the door The transition from alone in John's car to Shawna's presence is confusing. My first thought was that he had knocked on her door and she answered; however, the rest of the paragraph has its location at the car door.

Here A boy sat on his bike and looked down at him, face flat . Where did the boy come from? Also, "face flat" is an unclear description.

*Bullet* Characters:
Immediately after John almost ran into a man in the intersection, John turned to walk away. from his car. When someone does something contrary to normal reactions, it begs for an explanation. The story cracked an answer part way with "That's the point, isn't it? I don't know a good thing when I've got it." but that didn't directly address his reaction.

Excuse me while I get on a soapbox. There is an excellent writing technique to make stories sensible to readers. A physical stimulus (or motivating event) always precedes a character's response. In a story beginning as yours, a reader is prepared to wait for clearer links between external stimulus and personal reaction, but those links need to eventually be given.

As I step off the soapbox, allow me to mention Scene and Structure by Jack M. Bickham, publ. by Writer's Digest Co. as providing solid and meaningful examples of the technique.

*Bullet* Author's question
Did John really love Shawna? John seems to love Shawna (at emotional level) but not realize it (in consciousness).
After reading the story three times, my impression of John is a man in a mental/emotional crisis, of non-described origination.
In this story, Shawna has limited personality other than to love John. Carol was merely a pretty bauble that John distracted himself with.

*Bullet* Suggestions: Consider making settings more concrete. Present immediate actions in scenes as a series of Stimulus-Response units.

*Bullet* Overall Impression And Rating: I like the mysterious driving forces in John with a bit also seen in Shawna, but I didn't learn enough of their realities to satisfy my curiosity. 3 1/2 stars.

Thank you for sharing your story, Joto-Kai . Keep on writing!

Here's a story of mine, "Be Brave, about personal relationships in college. You might enjoy reading and perhaps provide feedback for a return review.

Bob

Ari Lox





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21
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Review of Foresight  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, again Myles Abroad . I found your story "Foresight on the review request page. I enjoyed it and hope you find this feedback useful. Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* My Favorite Phrases:
This paints a concrete aspect of story setting. two feral dogs

It ain't snowed in twenty years. Specific and evocative, although it leads to thoughts of global warming, which is not a specific thread in this flash story.

Am I going nuts? That expressed what I was wondering about her, which can be a good theme for a character and story.
Blackshirt patrols Nice hinting at the shape of future society.

IMO the theme of the story could be nicely tied to this line in the story. hot water, sweetened with a pinch of sugar from our meagre rations. An indulgence

*Bullet* Plot: Too much is going for such a short story. IMO A flash fiction story can only handle one major thread properly. Each thread requires building it into the story setting.

"Foresight" had dreams foretelling the future, a somewhat nebulous future society in the process of breaking down, a nuclear family with a serious fracture, and the very structure of society shaken by Yellowstone erupting.

The following narration confused me. Is Dee describing herself or her husband after the first comma and in the second sentence? It took a strong man to handle me, stubborn and volatile he'd say. Gifted, I'd say.

Late in "Foresight" Mac says, our ration of ten gallons a month. That's a good clue about the society, but this reader needs to feel very early in the story the parameters of the world/society, so this late bit fits in rather than defines.

The giant green hornets were a nice touch, suggesting strange mutations, perhaps from science run amok (also reminds this reader of The Hunger Games's tracker jackers).

*Bullet* Spelling, Typos: It confused me that you use British spellings (neighbourhood, rumours, meagre) but place the story in America (without tagging the characters as UK expatriates).

*Bullet* Overall Impression And Rating: Nice try, but overly ambitious for flash fiction length. 3 1/2 stars.
Thank you for sharing your story, Myles Abroad . If you expand it, let me know.

Bob

Ari Lox





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22
22
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting essay, ktraya , dealing with psychological issues most people care about.

a confusing jungle of holes and shoddy pieces made of even smaller ones nicely stated and evocative.

Most simply leave these messes alone but that doesn't mean they don't have a Theory of the Mind (as it's know) but they have a simplified picture of the puzzle.

You might find my explanation of the path from external reality to internal worldview   worth a glance. Mental Construction, the web site, also deals with the development of the age through the eons (reflexes, below conscious, to conscious) as well as the important mental steps in a person's progress to adulthood.

Sorry for the large paragraph not about your essay, but we have a similar interest.

I hope you further elaborate your deconstruction ideas with concrete examples.
Bob
Ari Lox

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23
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Sumojo . I found your story "Family Christmas looking through your portfolio. I enjoyed reading it. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful. Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help.

The story reads smoothly. Who can't relate to such a collage of misfortunes?!

I was intrigued and surprised by the line They are the same people who disliked each other over thirty or forty years ago when they were kids. That is contrary to my memory where the past is rosier.

The sub-theme of family presumption that Gramdma would do everything didn't have a role in the climax.

A tiny typo occurred with a doubled two in "two two teenage children."

*Bullet* Suggestions: For my taste, the story question—is family spending Christmas together a good idea?— is not given a sufficiently clear treatment by the narrator. Does she want it to continue and is willing to accept the chaos and contention since it fosters familial memories? Or shorter time at a place where Grandma isn't responsible for everything? Or some other complex feeling? Just ignoring things and continuing as is—is too thin a resolution.

*Bullet* Overall Impression And Rating: The story has potential, but the takeaway is not developed. 3 1/2 stars

This is a shorter review that the 2000+ characters the Rockin' Reviewers want. However, since you didn't have any reviews yet, I hope this length works for you, .

Thank you for sharing your story.

Bob
Ari Lox





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24
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Review of The End  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Somik Bandopadhyay . I saw your piece on the recently posted page. I found it a good read. Quickly moving in a discernible direction, although the last sentence didn't quite mark a resolution to the problem, but a resignation. Was that your intention?

BTW in American English, " ... to rectify myself" is an odd usage. Also "She tells" more typically would be "She says".

Thanks for another view of an end of a relationship. Keep it up. Ari Lox


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25
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Review of Chewy,s Story  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, wishful . I found this story "Chewy,s Story in your portfolio, where I looked after you reviewed my story. I enjoyed the story and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* POV: You give us Chewy as the lead character and 1st person narrator. I felt some of the confusion and limitations of his knowledge. The story-ending phrase my forever family was very pleasing.
*Bullet* Question: The story blurb mentions Chewy is a pitbull and the town sees pitballs as dangerous. I didn't see that developed in "Chewy's Story."
*Bullet*Mechanics:
*Bullet* Suggestions:You might consider making more concessions to your readers by adapting Chewy's narration to a simplified but consistent English style.

*Bullet* Overall Impression And Rating: Good starting idea. 3 stars

Thank you for sharing your story, wishful . Keep on writing!

Bob
Ari Lox





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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