*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bobinusa
Review Requests: FULL
124 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I aim to be straight-forward. My reviews will focus on my reading experience, not the way I would write your story.
I'm good at...
Story logic and motivation are important to me. I enjoy word play and crisp dialog.
Favorite Genres
Short stories of interpersonal drama, comedy that comes from character, and science fiction are my particular favorites.
Least Favorite Genres
Horror and gore have to be really good to keep my interest.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and flash fiction
Least Favorite Item Types
Horror
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 ... Next
1
1
Review of Haven  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, BrokenPen . I found your story "Haven in my search for stories by persons who reviewed me and I hadn't returned the favor yet. Reading "Haven" was a pleasure.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you find useful and ignore what doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* Plot: An apocalypse has occurred, maybe two. Three people have arrived at the island, Haven, and hope to stay there, in relative safety.

My expectation was a complete short story with a significant obstacle that is overcome by the protagonist's efforts. Instead, for me, this piece reads like the solid opening scene of a longer work.

*Bullet* Characters: Joe and Zed have aspects that the reader can understand. In such a short piece, it's very hard to handle five characters counting Poll, Justan, and Faith.

*Bullet* Tension: There is too little doubt that the three newcomers will be welcomed. In the beginning instead of Poll saying they would be safe soon, you might considering having him say, they would never be accepted unless they had a skill of great value—or some such.

*Bullet* Climax: To this reader, the raw elements of potential disagreement between Zed and Joe (and the couple) exist and are resolved in the end; however, the characters aren't shown at cross purposes. For me, this made the resolution emotionally unsatisfying.

*Bullet*Mechanics:

*Bullet* Suggestions: The rovers, the chaos, and angering the sea all portend plot lines and inter-personal conflicts I'd enjoy reading.

*Bullet* Overall Impression: I very much enjoyed the feel of the changed world.

Thank you for sharing your story, BrokenPen . I look forward to more.

Ari Lox

PS This little essay "100 Feet in 1000 Years may interest you.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of The Semicolon  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Not a review, but an attaboy. Craft point well-made, with an well-chosen example.
3
3
Review of The Indian  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, Blimpreaper . I found your story "The Indian scrolling through your portfolio. The description caught my interest. I wondered about their detecting difference of opinion.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore what doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* Impression: I really liked the story. It pulled me along, got me thinking, and gave me a character to care about. {

*Bullet* Characters: When Al and the Indian arrive on the Shoot-and-Run scene, Senior Patrol Office Peterson doesn't acknowledge the Indian. He's disappeared to the reader. The comment "Shit! We gotta get this guy." could be worked into a good line for him.

*Bullet* Theme: Due process vs vigilante justice has been an important issue since the Wild West. This sentence What if this guy has a little accident during the field interview? resonates in these days of BLM protests.

*Bullet* Climax: Nice reversal, having Al fire the deadly shot.

*Bullet*Mechanics:

*Bullet* Suggestions: I would have liked the Indian to do something, early in the story, that showed why he was worth his partner calling him the best partner ever.

Thank you for sharing this solid detective story, Blimpreaper . Good luck in the contest.

Ari Lox





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, GhostFerno
Your "Loner Rehabilitation Program caught my eye in my search for a story as a return review of "Bully. My impressions of Chapter 1 are offered in the spirit of a constructive review. If my ideas help you, I'll be pleased. If they don't, ignore them.

*Bullet* Plot: The chapter introduced two characters and the situation, with the twist that Adrian was pulled in by the god who made a mistake.

*Bullet* Characters: Adrian was dull but believable. He hasn't shown initiative or spark yet. As a reader, I want to identify with or root for one character. Adrian seems the choice here, but he has yet to give me reason to do.
The entity who may be considered a god is mysterious. I want to discover more about they.

*Bullet* Mechanics:
I like the way the god's thoughts are transmitted to Adrian in square brackets.
You might want to reconsider 'memory lane' in the god's narration. That's a human phrase. Replacing it offers the opportunity to make the god's viewpoint unique and specific.Knowing that they won’t be able to get through to this human when his mind is currently going down memory lane
The word 'snot' seemed coarser than the other word choices.

*Bullet* Flow of story:
The paragraph containing this world has the unique property of having special particles is an infodump. In my opinion, you need to develop a reason for Adrian to need this information, then the info can arise organically. The point might be used to develop the story conflict.

*Bullet* Setting: I find the Chapter 1 situation too nebulous to respond strongly to. You might consider amplifying the '...' for both characters to highlight character traits they reveal in responding to their plight.

Overall Impression: You have shown the tip of an intricate world. You have yet to develop the character-driven conflict that would pull me in.

"Alien Sofa attempts to sketch an alien character in another manner.

Keep on writing, GhostFerno

Ari Lox

5
5
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Talky Tina .

After your nice review of my little story, "Bully", I wanted to return the favor. I found your article "Adventures In Caregiving in your portfolio. I enjoyed it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Please remember, a review is only how I, as an individual, see your anecdotes. Accept what you agree with, ignore that which you disagree with. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*BulletB* Overall Impression: I liked the feel and warmth of the stories working with people with challenges.

*BulletB* On some individual pieces:
"Nonverbal Communication" That inclusion and acceptance brought the surprise utterance, “AN ANGEL” was a nice payoff.

"Banned from Walmart" You got across the novel reality of limited understanding which led to Elmer’s faux pas. Good job.

"Russian Spies and Pancakes" Good story, but in my opinion the last sentence was anti-climatic and would be better dropped.

"Guardian of the Van" Nice reminder that everyone can contribute to solving the problems of daily living, if we give them a chance.

Talky Tina , I noticed your birthday bingo folder and thought you might enjoy my little
STATIC
Bingo Disaster  (E)
I never talk about the Bingo Disaster, yet it pops into my head often.
#2184699 by Ari Lox
.

Take care and keep on writing.
Ari Lox

6
6
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, David Layman .
I found your story "My name is George Beggs in the Please Review list. I recalled your strong characters and vivid scenes from an earlier Bridge story. That induced me to give this story a read. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* Plot: On the whole, good, clear sequence of events and well-motivated.
  The ending always seemed likely to me. You might consider more misdirection of the reader, perhaps Angela had an earlier fling with a posh businessman. Just a thought.

*Bullet* Setting: Is it real that a trustee can drive the garbage truck off-prison? For a lay reader like myself, a further bit of prison life which makes that reasonable would have helped my immersion in the story.

*Bullet* Characters: George and Jonesy had well-defined personalities for this short story. I really enjoyed George's stiffing the trustee's expectation near the end.
   Angela was vaguer. While I can see the reason to support suspense, George should have sharper, more concrete images of his wife's actions, even if his interpretations are wrong.

*Bullet*Mechanics:

*Bullet* Suggestions: I find MS Word's feature, Read Aloud, to be useful in revising. The real clinkers of mistakes are more easily heard than through silent reading. After working on my story to exhaustion, I find it hard to go back and read it, for weeks. Read Aloud bridges the gap.

*Bullet* Overall Impression: The firm placement into a prisoner's mindset is well done, with the caveats I noted above.

Thank you for sharing your story, David Layman . Keep on writing!

Ari Lox


P.S. You might enjoy a change of pace with a juvenile delinquent story. "Wilding on a Hard Day's Night or "Honor the Ghost

7
7
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, GhostFerno
I wanted to return the favor of your review. Following are some comments on the start of your novel "Loner Rehabilitation Program (Chps 4/?).

Let me start by mentioning my brother was only 15 months older than me, so I can relate to that relationship in your story. Although as Tolstoy wrote, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

Considering your comments after the story piece, I will be brief.

*Bullet* I am a short story writer. I prefer a focus and streamlining in a story to support specific reader takeaways. Since this is a novel start, I expect more discursive forays, but it was hard for me to understand the importance of bathroom difficulties and etiquite in support of a desired reader takeaway.

*Bullet* Punctuation linking dialog to speaker could use some work. I often had to stop and figure out who was talking. If the speaker is performing an act, the dialog is often well served by being in that same paragraph. If the dialog starts a new paragraph, it signals a shift from the previous paragraph.

*Bullet* Unusual syntax to convey non-verbal attitude arrested reading flow. E.g. “*Sigh* Why is Adrian such a good little detective?

*Bullet* Although sexual preference is an important story theme, Adrian waffles, but I’m more attracted to girls than boys!” You might want to consider making the choice more dramatic.

Thank you for your idea of our evolving world, GhostFerno .

Bob
Ari Lox


8
8
Review of Wanderlust  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Felix O'Melany ,
I dropped by your portfolio and read your poem, "Wanderlust. The title drew me in.

Poetry is not my forte, so consider my comments from that baseline. Although the poem was short, it was sufficiently intricate that I had to read slowly and carefully to catch its meanings.

My favorite line is the second part of the enjambment not to tie | Leashes to our necks or nooses to our minds. Both body and mind can wander—or not.

"Wanderlust" covers much more than the title alludes to. The opening two lines define life, while the final line deals with life's end.

You might consider this. The reference to Unleash Earth's passion and then nature's high, for me, worked against including mental wanderings within the poem's scope.

Thank you for sharing your poetry,Felix O'Melany .

Bob

PS. One time, at a coffee shop with a charming chanteuse performing, I got struck by the poetic muse. Perhaps
 
STATIC
Claire de Lune  (E)
Poem of Allure
#2184499 by Ari Lox
might interest you.


He has the facts, but not the phosphorescence of learning.
Emily Dickinson



9
9
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, classmate, Sumojo . I'd ask you what your doing, but I found your story "The walls dripped nightmares in the community newsfeed—3rd place in Choconut's in Wonderland "Second Time Around Contest . Congratulations!

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

I felt the dank gloom and foreboding evil through the store. Very effectively done.

Odd thing. When I read the year 2020 A.D. marks the end of over a century of wars all over the Earth. My first, fleeting impression was wars no longer occurred.

You might want to spell check. Typos in Committee, Millennium, and Wildebeest break the reader's march through the story world.

Nonetheless, an eerie read tied with daily events. Very engaging.

Thank you for sharing your story, Sumojo . Keep on writing!

Ari Lox

P.S. I don't have any story quite in "The walls dripped nightmares's vein, but my story "Honor the Ghost might intrigue.


10
10
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello, K.HBey . I visited your portfolio after you reviewed "Bully. I found your story "A controversial new medicine. The title and description caught my interest. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore what doesn't. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

I was able to follow the main flow of action in your story, though it required me to ignore violations of normal English prose. I wish I could read your story in your native tongue.

It is a nice comeuppance for the thief of Jasmine's work to suffer from the opposite of the intended effect.

There is a tremendous amount of activity in the short story for its length. To my way of thinking, too much happens too quickly to allow identification with Jasmine's plight.

I like utopian stories. Consider adding features to the amazing place that fit together in novel ways.

Thank you for sharing your story, K.HBey . Keep on writing!

Ari Lox





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of Grocery Day  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (4.5)
Funny story about sad reality.
You missed an 'isle' that should be 'aisle.'
We need humor. Thank you.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Samantha  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Lovina 🐕‍🦺 . I found your story "Samantha as a highlighted entry in your portfolio. I enjoyed reading it. I hope you find this feedback useful. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore the rest. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

I felt the dread Samantha experienced for her impending death, on the bogus charge of witchcraft. Nicely done.

After Mother told her the story, I greatly enjoyed the inversion of searching for A place where the notion of witchcraft does not destroy the intellect while Mother was actually a witch.

The wrap-up with Samantha wondering if Isabel feared bats was an appropriately dire turn.

You might consider a bat on the cell window in the opening scene. In that way, preparing the reader for the bat in Mother's tale. That startled me with its abrupt introduction.

*Bullet*Mechanics:

Good story. Good read. Thank you for sharing your story, Lovina 🐕‍🦺 . Keep on writing!

Ari Lox





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Moral Imperative  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, hikelangel. I found your story "Moral Imperative on the Science Fiction Contest Page. Congratulations on winning the February contest.

I enjoyed reading this smoothly flowing flash story with an important theme.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore what isn't. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

I admire the liquidity of your prose. It reads easily with a close relation between the words and the thoughts behind them. Although there are a couple of worldview items I'd quibble with, that in no way detracts from my pleasure with the clear dissection of the "Moral Imperative".

A little typo to fix up: White House, not white house.

This a well-constructed story that pulled me along. However, if you decide to touch it up, you might consider a wrap-up that's not maudlin but incorporates an aspect of the the dilemma.

Excellent story, HikerAngel . You already seem to be prolific, but I'll say it anyhow. Keep on writing!

Ari Lox

P.S. Since you like excursions into philosophic science fiction, "Alien Sofa might interest you.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Bruce. . I accepted your review request for "Red Moon. Book2. Chapter 4..

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Of course, this review is only how I see this chapter of your novel. Since I haven't read the earlier book or chapters, my take on the story reality may be skewed.

Accept what you is useful to you, ignore what isn't. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* Plot:
Significant time duration occurs in this chapter. It opens, just after Jane's rape. She receives no sympathy from her flatmate or Carol at the cafe. She returns home. Months later goes to a unwedded mother's home to give birth to a boy and puts him up for adoption. Shortly after returning home again, she irks her mother sufficiently that she's told to join the military and get out of the house.

I recite all those events to note that only 3000 words were available to convey them. That's not a specific criticism, but a means to indicate that much of the story is told by narration, denying the reader of experiencing the emotional duress that must be motivating Jane's choices. That restricts reader identification with the character.

*Bullet* Setting:
The mention of transistor radio nicely placed me in the story era.

*Bullet* Characters:
The clarity in the opening thinking Ray had been waiting down there, waiting for me, wanting to violate me again was strong. An understandable explanation for her actions.

When Rose says, Don't be silly, he's a nice bloke, I shared Jane's astonishment at her friend's attitude. I would have like an indication of how Jane could have become mixed up with someone so at odds with her own morals. Perhaps that was earlier in book 2. Referring to that, in some sort of flashback or narration, would have characterized Jane better for me.

The scene, soon-to-come in which her friend Carol is screwing the cook in the kitchen, further clouded, rather than clarified, Jane's character and wisdom.

Jane's mother when first mentioned isn't revealed as a step-mother, who favors her nature child over Jane. Since Jane feels this, it should be flavoring her thoughts even before she comes home.

When Jane says, Mum, please, please let me explain. I find it very hard to believe she doesn't yell out, "I was raped." In some way it it needs to be said or Jane needs to justify to herself not saying it.

*Bullet* Climax:
Again, since I've only read this one chapter, my opinion ignores information given in earlier chapters and those to follow.

The last line, wondering what was to become of me is the crucial question. Since it didn't come here, I suppose the next chapter will have her work through her options with their pluses and minuses.

Her narration, wondering what I ever done to make the woman hate me so much surprised me. I expected her to no longer be blind to her step-mother prejudice and to consider it a fact—not due to Jane's actions, but to her stepmother's shortcomings.

*Bullet*Mechanics:

*Bullet* Suggestions:
I thought Red Moon meant I would be reading sci-fi.

*Bullet* Overall Impression: An audacious attempt to examine the consequences of bad events and forced decisions.

Thank you for sharing your story, Bruce. . I look forward to more. Keep on writing!

Ari Lox

PS. I don't know if it's a coincidence, but my short story, "Shaky Hands covers a character's lifetime in a small amounts of words with much narrative summary. If you read others, I'd be interested in how it strikes you.





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (4.5)
amy-Has a great future ahead .
Thank you so much for the delightful essay on personification! The ties you point out make solid sense for story development (and poems which unfortunately occur rarely to me). I only wish it were longer.
My venture into personification, "Mr. Owl's Charity is in the Aesop's fables mode.
Your ideas give me some thoughts for future stories that are half-baked at this point.
Ari Lox



16
16
Review of Cheetah McGee  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, tpaulter . I found your story "Cheetah McGee in your portfolio. I enjoyed reading it and laugh whenever I think of the title, excellent humor.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* Characters:
The words flowed nicely; however, I had trouble deciding who was talking and who was listening. That didn't overly bother me until the end when it was revealed that one character was an alien masquerading as a human.

Because I enjoyed their discussion, I returned to the start. It seemed like the first sentence must be the human and the second paragraph the alien. I didn't try to trace it any further.

*Bullet* Theme:
I liked the battle point: intrinsically equally-valued humans versus pragmatically weighing each human by their contribution.

*Bullet* Climax:
When the alien declared, We need the earth's help if we are going to survive the story didn't resolve the crucial story question, which held until then. Somehow—more explicitly—the discussion over individual valuation must be related to individual species valuation, for a satisfactory story resolution.

*Bullet* Suggestions: If you decide to work on the story further, consider tagging the speakers.

Thank you for sharing your story, tpaulter . The philosophical issue the story grapples with is important and interesting. Keep on writing!

Ari Lox





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Averren , although this is an old story, I wanted to find something on your portfolio to comment on. BTW the hole in the rock picture is eye-catching.

I really enjoyed the immediacy of "... Of Sharp Edges and Pain." The integration of multiple senses slowly being understood kept it in the here-and-now.

The loopback ending worked for me as well as an electrical shock being the cause.

Thanks for posting the story and Keep on Writing.
Ari Lox



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of The Move  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, krichmond86 . I found your story "The Move on the review request page.

I enjoyed reading it. Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* Theme: The piece mentions an interesting aspect of many crossroad decisions. This spontaneous decision was probably one of the scariest things I’ve ever done but it was also the best thing I've ever done..

That is worthy of a story; however, I consider "The Move" a memoir. It presents the truth as it is interpreted by the narrator, rather than giving scenes that allow the reader to experience the emotions.

As a memoir, it's fine, but a story needs emotional engagement with the reader. That requires scenes where something of value is being struggled for.

The meaning in the 3rd paragraph the way things were going made it easy to say yes is not in sync with the idea that it was a scary thing. A charitable interpretation can make it so, but an author shouldn't expect readers to do that.

In the concluding paragraph, this idea I wasn’t the nicest when I first met my spouse begs for scenes. First to show the bad behavior and second to show how the new location softened personality.

By the way, {emdash} is the ML code that is useful as in "I was 20—young ..."

Thank you for sharing your story, krichmond86 . Keep on writing!

Ari Lox





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of Not In The Mood  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
willwilcox
This story gave me a good chuckle. The denseness of the husband is an irony to enjoy.
Nicely done.
Ari Lox


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, krichmond86 . I found this story "Sunrise Apartments in your portfolio. I enjoyed it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

The feel of the piece, the words and manner in which you described the action pulled me in. I felt and could recognize the grounding of truth.

The story is a narrative summary of scenes, nicely done; however, you might consider offering a stronger guide as to why the older brother changed as he did after the beatdown. Some would respond by becoming more violent. He didn't. Why?

Nice invocation of a growing up in a difficult barrio.

Thank you for sharing your story, krichmond86 . Keep on writing!

Ari Lox


PS This story's background will not seem alien to you despite being placed in an East Coast city fifty plus years ago.
"Wilding on a Hard Day's Night





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Jolanh . I found your story "The Secret Revealed by looking through your portfolio after seeing your nomination in Best New Portfolio (Quill 2019). It was an interesting read. I hope you find my feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* Plot: Entertaining verbal jousting between the husband and wife. I followed, teasing out the meaning I could. I started forming hypotheses like cheating. All those late nights at the office were late nights on the town.
Or dealing drugs. You put us in danger.
Eventually, it become clearer, between two choices, but where did the danger come from to the family since he was masked and in costume?

*Bullet* Characters: Matthew, Hexfist. It may surprise you to know this reader was not completely clear after reading the story more than twice was Hexfist an actual superhero or a costumed game playing role. I lean to actual superhero because Vierra has such fear and alarm at the discovery as well as Matthew's mantle has been in my family. However,It's been going on since I was eighteen seems like the secret was an act he chose and Vierra labeled his actions "late nights on the town."

When Vierra said, You know my history she alluded to facts I needed some sense of to understand her reaction and the dynamics of the argument.

*Bullet* Typos:
You might consider hyphenating the adjective in half chopped vegetables

*Bullet* Overall Impression And Rating:I really enjoyed your technique. You sucked me in—with statements meaningful to the participants, but to me, on the outside, I had to read on to discover the references. 4 stars

Thank you for sharing your story, Jolanh . Keep on writing!

Ari Lox





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review of 🏆Andrew  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, IceSkating SugarCube . I found your story "🏆Andrew paging through your portfolio. It's probably lazy of me to select story that already is a winner, but I wanted to read something well done. And "Andrew" was.

It's a satisfying, though sad reading.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any comment is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

"Andrew" reads very smoothly with the words in fine concert with the thoughts.

The choice of music and lyrics perfectly captured a sad, nostalgic yet not overly elegiac mood.

*Bullet* Suggestions:My immersion was tripped up when Our eyes held onto each other was shortly followed by Then I was jealous of that fan. Of course, the fan was her.

*Bullet* Overall Impression And Rating: Excellent story on an extremely difficult theme. 4 1/2 stars

Thank you for sharing your story, IceSkating SugarCube . Keep on writing!


Ari Lox


P.S. Death is dealt tangentially in another manner in "Honor the Ghost.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Baloney Bill . It's good to see a post from an old classmate.

That insignificant snowflakes can mass to real effect is a necessary reminder this election year.
Ari Lox


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Con . I found your story "It Wasn't a Good Idea in the newbie newsletter. I enjoyed your recreation of the chemistry lab memory.

I performed a similar, unsupervised experiment in chemistry lab, pouring water into concentrated sulfuric acid. My buddy's clothes got holes and his skin beneath burned.

I liked the tone. Starting with if I had to labour for a living, I'd starve to death before I reached voting age. to ending decided then and there that the excitement of scientific discovery could better be borne by spirits bolder than mine. A clear narrator attitude.

Oops, a tiny typo. "thee rooms"

*Bullet* Overall Impression And Rating: 4 1/2 stars

Thank you for sharing your story, Con . Keep on writing!


Ari Lox





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review of Catching Cold  
Review by Ari Lox
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Joto-Kai . I found your story "Catching Cold on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* My favorite aspects:
The story hints well at deeper motivations. There are many examples, but an early one Shawna's blue eyes saw too much. John looked down at the pedals, gripped the steering wheel, and shook his head. will suffice to make concrete what I mean. It's not explained how Shawna knew too much or what that it was she saw. A disquieting point is that since the story is from John's point-of-view, this narration must be John's assessment that Shawna's blue eyes saw too much. That's a lot of twists for the reader to take.

This sentence worked especially well, meaning and placement augmenting each other. Ahead of him, the road sign said, "Dead end."

He had no right, no right at all, to waste her time like that. This hint at to-be-revealed secret is excellent. I want to know why he thought he had no right to do something. I expect an answer by the end of the story.

*Bullet* Setting:
The story does not set up situations concretely enough. In the beginning, the reader reads Shawna nodded and stepped out, Poised to close the door The transition from alone in John's car to Shawna's presence is confusing. My first thought was that he had knocked on her door and she answered; however, the rest of the paragraph has its location at the car door.

Here A boy sat on his bike and looked down at him, face flat . Where did the boy come from? Also, "face flat" is an unclear description.

*Bullet* Characters:
Immediately after John almost ran into a man in the intersection, John turned to walk away. from his car. When someone does something contrary to normal reactions, it begs for an explanation. The story cracked an answer part way with "That's the point, isn't it? I don't know a good thing when I've got it." but that didn't directly address his reaction.

Excuse me while I get on a soapbox. There is an excellent writing technique to make stories sensible to readers. A physical stimulus (or motivating event) always precedes a character's response. In a story beginning as yours, a reader is prepared to wait for clearer links between external stimulus and personal reaction, but those links need to eventually be given.

As I step off the soapbox, allow me to mention Scene and Structure by Jack M. Bickham, publ. by Writer's Digest Co. as providing solid and meaningful examples of the technique.

*Bullet* Author's question
Did John really love Shawna? John seems to love Shawna (at emotional level) but not realize it (in consciousness).
After reading the story three times, my impression of John is a man in a mental/emotional crisis, of non-described origination.
In this story, Shawna has limited personality other than to love John. Carol was merely a pretty bauble that John distracted himself with.

*Bullet* Suggestions: Consider making settings more concrete. Present immediate actions in scenes as a series of Stimulus-Response units.

*Bullet* Overall Impression And Rating: I like the mysterious driving forces in John with a bit also seen in Shawna, but I didn't learn enough of their realities to satisfy my curiosity. 3 1/2 stars.

Thank you for sharing your story, Joto-Kai . Keep on writing!

Here's a story of mine, "Be Brave, about personal relationships in college. You might enjoy reading and perhaps provide feedback for a return review.

Bob

Ari Lox





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
65 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 3 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bobinusa