Burning Thoughts's (bobinusa) Reviews

Burning Thoughts

Review Requests: OFF

169 Public Reviews Given

169 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I aim to be straight-forward. My reviews will focus on my reading experience, not the way I would write your story.

I'm good at...

Story logic and motivation are important to me. I enjoy word play and crisp dialog.

Favorite Genres

Short stories of interpersonal drama, comedy that comes from character, and science fiction are my particular favorites.

Least Favorite Genres

Horror and gore have to be really good to keep my interest.

Favorite Item Types

Short stories and flash fiction

Least Favorite Item Types

Horror

26

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#4555695

Review of My name is George Beggs

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, David Layman

.
I found your story "My name is George Beggs"

in the Please Review list. I recalled your strong characters and vivid scenes from an earlier Bridge story. That induced me to give this story a read. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: On the whole, good, clear sequence of events and well-motivated.
The ending always seemed likely to me. You might consider more misdirection of the reader, perhaps Angela had an earlier fling with a posh businessman. Just a thought.

Setting: Is it real that a trustee can drive the garbage truck off-prison? For a lay reader like myself, a further bit of prison life which makes that reasonable would have helped my immersion in the story.

Characters: George and Jonesy had well-defined personalities for this short story. I really enjoyed George's stiffing the trustee's expectation near the end.
Angela was vaguer. While I can see the reason to support suspense, George should have sharper, more concrete images of his wife's actions, even if his interpretations are wrong.

Mechanics: ▼

Suggestions: I find MS Word's feature, Read Aloud, to be useful in revising. The real clinkers of mistakes are more easily heard than through silent reading. After working on my story to exhaustion, I find it hard to go back and read it, for weeks. Read Aloud bridges the gap.

Overall Impression: The firm placement into a prisoner's mindset is well done, with the caveats I noted above.

Thank you for sharing your story, David Layman

. Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts

P.S. You might enjoy a change of pace with a juvenile delinquent story. "Invalid Item"

or "Invalid Item"

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#4551809

Review of Loner Rehabilitation Program (Chps 4/?)

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi, GhostFerno

I wanted to return the favor of your review. Following are some comments on the start of your novel "Loner Rehabilitation Program (Chps 4/?)"

.

Let me start by mentioning my brother was only 15 months older than me, so I can relate to that relationship in your story. Although as Tolstoy wrote, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

Considering your comments after the story piece, I will be brief.

I am a short story writer. I prefer a focus and streamlining in a story to support specific reader takeaways. Since this is a novel start, I expect more discursive forays, but it was hard for me to understand the importance of bathroom difficulties and etiquite in support of a desired reader takeaway.

Punctuation linking dialog to speaker could use some work. I often had to stop and figure out who was talking. If the speaker is performing an act, the dialog is often well served by being in that same paragraph. If the dialog starts a new paragraph, it signals a shift from the previous paragraph.

Unusual syntax to convey non-verbal attitude arrested reading flow. E.g. “*Sigh* Why is Adrian such a good little detective?

Although sexual preference is an important story theme, Adrian waffles, but I’m more attracted to girls than boys!” You might want to consider making the choice more dramatic.

Thank you for your idea of our evolving world, GhostFerno

.

Bob
Burning Thoughts

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#4548641

Review of Wanderlust

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, Felix O'Melany

,
I dropped by your portfolio and read your poem, "Wanderlust"

. The title drew me in.

Poetry is not my forte, so consider my comments from that baseline. Although the poem was short, it was sufficiently intricate that I had to read slowly and carefully to catch its meanings.

My favorite line is the second part of the enjambment not to tie | Leashes to our necks or nooses to our minds. Both body and mind can wander—or not.

"Wanderlust" covers much more than the title alludes to. The opening two lines define life, while the final line deals with life's end.

You might consider this. The reference to Unleash Earth's passion and then nature's high, for me, worked against including mental wanderings within the poem's scope.

Thank you for sharing your poetry,Felix O'Melany

.

Bob

PS. One time, at a coffee shop with a charming chanteuse performing, I got struck by the poetic muse. Perhaps

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#2184499 by Not Available.

might interest you.

He has the facts, but not the phosphorescence of learning.
Emily Dickinson

Burning Thoughts

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#4538471

Review of Grocery Day

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Funny story about sad reality.
You missed an 'isle' that should be 'aisle.'
We need humor. Thank you.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4538170

Review of Moral Imperative

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, hikelangel. I found your story "Moral Imperative"

on the Science Fiction Contest Page. Congratulations on winning the February contest.

I enjoyed reading this smoothly flowing flash story with an important theme.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore what isn't. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

I admire the liquidity of your prose. It reads easily with a close relation between the words and the thoughts behind them. Although there are a couple of worldview items I'd quibble with, that in no way detracts from my pleasure with the clear dissection of the "Moral Imperative".

A little typo to fix up: White House, not white house.

This a well-constructed story that pulled me along. However, if you decide to touch it up, you might consider a wrap-up that's not maudlin but incorporates an aspect of the the dilemma.

Excellent story, HikerAngel

. You already seem to be prolific, but I'll say it anyhow. Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts

P.S. Since you like excursions into philosophic science fiction, "Invalid Item"

might interest you.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4537177

Review of ...Of Sharp Edges and Pain

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Averren

, although this is an old story, I wanted to find something on your portfolio to comment on. BTW the hole in the rock picture is eye-catching.

I really enjoyed the immediacy of "... Of Sharp Edges and Pain." The integration of multiple senses slowly being understood kept it in the here-and-now.

The loopback ending worked for me as well as an electrical shock being the cause.

Thanks for posting the story and Keep on Writing.
Burning Thoughts

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4534072

Review of Not In The Mood

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

willwilcox
This story gave me a good chuckle. The denseness of the husband is an irony to enjoy.
Nicely done.
Burning Thoughts

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4533999

Review of Sunrise Apartments

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, krichmond86

. I found this story "Sunrise Apartments"

in your portfolio. I enjoyed it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

The feel of the piece, the words and manner in which you described the action pulled me in. I felt and could recognize the grounding of truth.

The story is a narrative summary of scenes, nicely done; however, you might consider offering a stronger guide as to why the older brother changed as he did after the beatdown. Some would respond by becoming more violent. He didn't. Why?

Nice invocation of a growing up in a difficult barrio.

Thank you for sharing your story, krichmond86

. Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts

PS This story's background will not seem alien to you despite being placed in an East Coast city fifty plus years ago.
"Invalid Item"

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#4531394

Review of 🏆Andrew

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, IceSkatingSugarCube

. I found your story "🏆Andrew"

paging through your portfolio. It's probably lazy of me to select story that already is a winner, but I wanted to read something well done. And "Andrew" was.

It's a satisfying, though sad reading.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any comment is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

"Andrew" reads very smoothly with the words in fine concert with the thoughts.

The choice of music and lyrics perfectly captured a sad, nostalgic yet not overly elegiac mood.

Suggestions:My immersion was tripped up when Our eyes held onto each other was shortly followed by Then I was jealous of that fan. Of course, the fan was her.

Overall Impression And Rating: Excellent story on an extremely difficult theme. 4 1/2 stars

Thank you for sharing your story, IceSkatingSugarCube

. Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts

P.S. Death is dealt tangentially in another manner in "Invalid Item"

.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4526432

Review of It Wasn't a Good Idea

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, Con

. I found your story "It Wasn't a Good Idea"

in the newbie newsletter. I enjoyed your recreation of the chemistry lab memory.

I performed a similar, unsupervised experiment in chemistry lab, pouring water into concentrated sulfuric acid. My buddy's clothes got holes and his skin beneath burned.

I liked the tone. Starting with if I had to labour for a living, I'd starve to death before I reached voting age. to ending decided then and there that the excitement of scientific discovery could better be borne by spirits bolder than mine. A clear narrator attitude.

Oops, a tiny typo. "thee rooms"

Overall Impression And Rating: 4 1/2 stars

Thank you for sharing your story, Con

. Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4522220

Review of Catching Cold

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello, Joto-Kai

. I found your story "Catching Cold"

on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

My favorite aspects:
The story hints well at deeper motivations. There are many examples, but an early one Shawna's blue eyes saw too much. John looked down at the pedals, gripped the steering wheel, and shook his head. will suffice to make concrete what I mean. It's not explained how Shawna knew too much or what that it was she saw. A disquieting point is that since the story is from John's point-of-view, this narration must be John's assessment that Shawna's blue eyes saw too much. That's a lot of twists for the reader to take.

This sentence worked especially well, meaning and placement augmenting each other. Ahead of him, the road sign said, "Dead end."

He had no right, no right at all, to waste her time like that. This hint at to-be-revealed secret is excellent. I want to know why he thought he had no right to do something. I expect an answer by the end of the story.

Setting:
The story does not set up situations concretely enough. In the beginning, the reader reads Shawna nodded and stepped out, Poised to close the door The transition from alone in John's car to Shawna's presence is confusing. My first thought was that he had knocked on her door and she answered; however, the rest of the paragraph has its location at the car door.

Here A boy sat on his bike and looked down at him, face flat . Where did the boy come from? Also, "face flat" is an unclear description.

Characters:
Immediately after John almost ran into a man in the intersection, John turned to walk away. from his car. When someone does something contrary to normal reactions, it begs for an explanation. The story cracked an answer part way with "That's the point, isn't it? I don't know a good thing when I've got it." but that didn't directly address his reaction.

Excuse me while I get on a soapbox. There is an excellent writing technique to make stories sensible to readers. A physical stimulus (or motivating event) always precedes a character's response. In a story beginning as yours, a reader is prepared to wait for clearer links between external stimulus and personal reaction, but those links need to eventually be given.

As I step off the soapbox, allow me to mention Scene and Structure by Jack M. Bickham, publ. by Writer's Digest Co. as providing solid and meaningful examples of the technique.

Author's question
Did John really love Shawna? John seems to love Shawna (at emotional level) but not realize it (in consciousness).
After reading the story three times, my impression of John is a man in a mental/emotional crisis, of non-described origination.
In this story, Shawna has limited personality other than to love John. Carol was merely a pretty bauble that John distracted himself with.

Suggestions: Consider making settings more concrete. Present immediate actions in scenes as a series of Stimulus-Response units.

Overall Impression And Rating: I like the mysterious driving forces in John with a bit also seen in Shawna, but I didn't learn enough of their realities to satisfy my curiosity. 3 1/2 stars.

Thank you for sharing your story, Joto-Kai

. Keep on writing!

Here's a story of mine, "Invalid Item"

, about personal relationships in college. You might enjoy reading and perhaps provide feedback for a return review.

Bob

Burning Thoughts

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#4520997

Review of Foresight

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hello, again Myles Abroad

. I found your story "Foresight"

on the review request page. I enjoyed it and hope you find this feedback useful. Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

My Favorite Phrases:
This paints a concrete aspect of story setting. two feral dogs

It ain't snowed in twenty years. Specific and evocative, although it leads to thoughts of global warming, which is not a specific thread in this flash story.

Am I going nuts? That expressed what I was wondering about her, which can be a good theme for a character and story.
Blackshirt patrols Nice hinting at the shape of future society.

IMO the theme of the story could be nicely tied to this line in the story. hot water, sweetened with a pinch of sugar from our meagre rations. An indulgence

Plot: Too much is going for such a short story. IMO A flash fiction story can only handle one major thread properly. Each thread requires building it into the story setting.

"Foresight" had dreams foretelling the future, a somewhat nebulous future society in the process of breaking down, a nuclear family with a serious fracture, and the very structure of society shaken by Yellowstone erupting.

The following narration confused me. Is Dee describing herself or her husband after the first comma and in the second sentence? It took a strong man to handle me, stubborn and volatile he'd say. Gifted, I'd say.

Late in "Foresight" Mac says, our ration of ten gallons a month. That's a good clue about the society, but this reader needs to feel very early in the story the parameters of the world/society, so this late bit fits in rather than defines.

The giant green hornets were a nice touch, suggesting strange mutations, perhaps from science run amok (also reminds this reader of The Hunger Games's tracker jackers).

Spelling, Typos: It confused me that you use British spellings (neighbourhood, rumours, meagre) but place the story in America (without tagging the characters as UK expatriates).

Overall Impression And Rating: Nice try, but overly ambitious for flash fiction length. 3 1/2 stars.
Thank you for sharing your story, Myles Abroad

. If you expand it, let me know.

Bob

Burning Thoughts

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4520889

Review of Deconstruction of the Human Psyche

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Interesting essay, ktraya

, dealing with psychological issues most people care about.

a confusing jungle of holes and shoddy pieces made of even smaller ones nicely stated and evocative.

Most simply leave these messes alone but that doesn't mean they don't have a Theory of the Mind (as it's know) but they have a simplified picture of the puzzle.

You might find my explanation of the path from external reality to internal worldview

worth a glance. Mental Construction, the web site, also deals with the development of the age through the eons (reflexes, below conscious, to conscious) as well as the important mental steps in a person's progress to adulthood.

Sorry for the large paragraph not about your essay, but we have a similar interest.

I hope you further elaborate your deconstruction ideas with concrete examples.
Bob
Burning Thoughts

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#4518670

Review of Family Christmas

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hello, Sumojo

. I found your story "Family Christmas "

looking through your portfolio. I enjoyed reading it. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful. Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help.

The story reads smoothly. Who can't relate to such a collage of misfortunes?!

I was intrigued and surprised by the line They are the same people who disliked each other over thirty or forty years ago when they were kids. That is contrary to my memory where the past is rosier.

The sub-theme of family presumption that Gramdma would do everything didn't have a role in the climax.

A tiny typo occurred with a doubled two in "two two teenage children."

Suggestions: For my taste, the story question—is family spending Christmas together a good idea?— is not given a sufficiently clear treatment by the narrator. Does she want it to continue and is willing to accept the chaos and contention since it fosters familial memories? Or shorter time at a place where Grandma isn't responsible for everything? Or some other complex feeling? Just ignoring things and continuing as is—is too thin a resolution.

Overall Impression And Rating: The story has potential, but the takeaway is not developed. 3 1/2 stars

This is a shorter review that the 2000+ characters the Rockin' Reviewers want. However, since you didn't have any reviews yet, I hope this length works for you, .

Thank you for sharing your story.

Bob
Burning Thoughts

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4517344

Review of Chewy,s Story

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hello, wishful

. I found this story "Chewy,s Story"

in your portfolio, where I looked after you reviewed my story. I enjoyed the story and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

POV: You give us Chewy as the lead character and 1st person narrator. I felt some of the confusion and limitations of his knowledge. The story-ending phrase my forever family was very pleasing.
Question: The story blurb mentions Chewy is a pitbull and the town sees pitballs as dangerous. I didn't see that developed in "Chewy's Story."
Mechanics: ▼
Suggestions:You might consider making more concessions to your readers by adapting Chewy's narration to a simplified but consistent English style.

Overall Impression And Rating: Good starting idea. 3 stars

Thank you for sharing your story, wishful

. Keep on writing!

Bob
Burning Thoughts

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4516122

Review of Numerical Quantities Overlap Integrals

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello, bob county

. After you reviewed "Invalid Item"

, I searched your portfolio and found "Numerical Quantities Overlap Integrals"

. The mathematical title piqued my interest. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: Good, clear action of the decision process of selecting a new employee.

Setting: Not much detail, but sufficient to carry the story.

Characters: Of course, the applicant is the pivotal character. His appearance and lack of superficial charm is crucial and establishes the quandary of the reflection.

Theme: The schism between religious views and current society is nicely delivered.

Mechanics: ▼
Suggestions: It's important to realize that mechanical mistakes distract readers from your message.

Thank you for sharing your insight,fuzzy43. Keep on writing!

Bob
Burning Thoughts

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4516024

Review of Winged friends

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, Mina~

. I found your story "Winged friends"

, also about birds, in your portfolio and thought it a fitting subject for a return review. I enjoyed the story and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

This is a delightful little story. The wrap-up—freedom can mean staying with the ones you love—is a nice, warm message.

Suggestions:
I found this fragment a tad confusing. the yellow bird was trying to open the cage and manage to break free. Then all of a sudden a crow grabbed the poor bird in its beak
The meaning is fairly clear but the progress from trying to succeeding to being grabbed is fuzzy. A simple fix—the yellow bird was trying to open the cage. It managed to break free. etc.

Thank you for sharing the lovely story, Mina~

. I'll be telling it to Zoe, my granddaughter, when she arrives for the holidays.

Bob
Burning Thoughts

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#4511593

Review of Knowing

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, Myles Abroad

. I found your story "Knowing"

on review requests. I like flash fiction and contemporary relationships. I hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: Woman is shopping for her significant other and herself, yet she ends up with more than she expected.

Setting: Supermarket setting is breezily drawn. It's adequate to the action as long as the reader can keep up.

Characters: Ellen's character emerges from her actions and narrative observations. Just a thought, in this reader's opinion, That blond ignoramus's long, shapely legs slipped out of character with 'long, shapely legs.' Her antagonism would bend it to 'unnatural' or 'undeserved long, shapely legs' or some such negative twist.

Climax: I loved she way she gradually put together the peach smell in time to ram Harry's car into the little red BMG.

Mechanics: ▼

Suggestions:Although you may find it mostly another story, how did Ellen and Harry get to this loggerheads?

Overall Impression And Rating:Enjoyable rush. 4.5 stars

Thank you for sharing your story, Myles Abroad

. Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts

Here's a flash of mine "Invalid Item"

not far from the "Knowing" theme which you might enjoy reading and provide feedback for in a return review.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4510306

Review of It's Classified

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, QueenNormaJeanGreeneggs&vegham

. Although it's been a couple of weeks since you reviewed "Invalid Item"

, I've finally gotten around to returning the favor. From your flash fiction folder, I read your piece "It's Classified"

and hope you find the feedback useful.

Please remember, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: Obstinate clerk who turns out to be a robot.
Characters: Nice touch, having the clerk move things left to right (mindlessly) on the desk.
Climax: Pulling the plug was mainly satisfying, although anachronistic, way to firmly reveal the robot.
Mechanics: Flowed well and seamlessly.

Suggestions: Although the story is succinct, it doesn't build. I wish there were an increase reveal of the clerk's robotic characteristics as the back-and-forth continues. The clerk could start with a generic name, then adding a descriptor like "seated erect" or "unsmiling." I’ve been instructed was a good touch.
Overall Impression And Rating: Read smoothly. 4.0 stars

Thank you for sharing your story, QueenNormaJeanGreeneggs&vegham

. Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts

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#4509340

Review of " Don't Force Your Ideology On Us"

Review by Burning Thoughts

Rated: 13+

| (2.5)

Hello, writerchuck

. I found your old essay " " Don't Force Your Ideology On Us""

when I looked for items to return the favor of your review of "Invalid Item"

. Poetry I enjoy but can't comment on with authority. I often read older economic essays so that I can compare not just their ideas, but also the accuracy of their projections. I enjoyed reading your essay and hope you find this feedback useful.

Please remember, a review is only how I, as an individual, see your essay along three dimensions—expression of your idea, justification of argument, and ability to convince a skeptic. Accept what you agree with, ignore that which you disagree with. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

Overall Impression: Your dissatisfaction with the current education system is clearly shown. Unfortunately, labels such as Progressive Liberal; far left President; misleading textbooks; political correctness carry your argument rather than concrete occurrences which the reader could use to assess the magnitude of the problem. Thus, readers who do not already agree with you are not persuaded by your passion on the issue.

Thesis: Getting back to values that made America great is a thesis no one will argue with. Truth-based history is another concept that almost everyone would agree is a laudable goal. However, exactly what those values are and how to achieve them are the details that are argued over.

Style: Using words and labels without concrete examples or references to back up the assertions result in your argument not convincing. Examples: Sexual education is graphically taught to kids as early as six and seven years of age. and Most of our union teachers have bought the far left ideology of their professors, and agree with it to the core.

Persuasive Power: With non-specifics but clear negative interpretations and projections of "far left progressive" teaching, only your opinion comes across, not a reasoned argument that can stand logical scrutiny.
Our children are being encouraged not to discuss what they learn in the classroom with their parents. Justification for this claim is necessary. It is not common knowledge.
Do you not see the irony of your essay's title? Any and everyone could make that claim. I agree with your intention to make schools support teaching the American Dream.

Suggestions: Add specifics that support your claims. For instance, American Dream as stated by James Truslow Adams “… life should be better and richer and fuller for everyone, with opportunity for each according to ability or achievement regardless of social class or circumstances of birth.”

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, writerchuck

. Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts

PS Social Contract, Crime, and Opportunity

is an essay with a perspective that deals with a tangent of your essay's topic.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4499199

Review of Rain

Review by Burning Thoughts

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, 🌕 HuntersMoon

. I found your story "Rain"

when I was searching for sci fi stories. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: You raised the question—how the aliens on this dry would describe water?— successfully. I wanted to find out how. I've read your story three or four times in the past month. It gets more pleasing with time.

Setting: The summary stated Aridus is crisscrossed with a series of underground caverns making them a prime target for understanding the planet and its aliens. It seemed unbelievable near the end to read None of the surveys had explored the caverns.

Characters: Jim Hawkins's name put me in a Robert Louis Stevenson frame of mine.

Suggestions: It bothered me, on each read, that there no description of the aliens. Although Lisa had met with them the reader doesn't know if they are metallic, crystalline, or bipedal with water inside their skin.
It would be intriguing to to see the early dispute of the term "men" tied to the story resolution; otherwise, it is a dangling thread.

Overall Impression And Rating: The final word "Rain" was led up to in very satisfying manner. 4 Stars.

Thank you for sharing your story, 🌕 HuntersMoon

. Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts

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#4495717

Review of The shelter

Review by Burning Thoughts

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello, Sumojo

. I found your story "The shelter"

on your portfolio. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Please remember, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: Sam proving to himself and others that he's brave by spending the night alone in the hideout provides a solid story line.

Setting: Children finding an empty or abandoned space and claiming it for their secret playhouse is something many readers can relate to, although a bomb shelter offers a special cachet. Smoking stolen cigarettes confirms the illicit nature that their clubhouse provides.

Characters:
You say that Alice as a leader. Perhaps you had this in mind, but stating Sam and Brian continued fighting when she told them to break apart, forced her to ratchet up the pressure with "My mum told me somebody died down here.” would show it.

Climax: Sam's bravery was trumped in the end with no integration into Sam's character or world. See my suggestions further down.

Mechanics: ▼
Suggestions: I would have liked some final reflection by Sam on how his self-image is modified by the discovery of the impossible photograph.
You might consider making the card game early on some stakes, allowing you to show character attitude, exposing a reason the girls were not playing, and deepening the beyond normal limits of their environs.

Overall Impression And Rating:Nice romp through a childish lark with an surprising result. Some hint of impact of the supernatural is needed for my taste. 4 stars

Thank you for sharing the unusual story, Sumojo

. I look for more of your stories!

Burning Thoughts

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

48

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14 days may be credited.

#4495683

Review of An Ordinary Day in June

Review by Burning Thoughts

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hello, Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

. From your email, the first short story, "An Ordinary Day in June"

sang out for me. I enjoyed it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Please remember, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

Style: I enjoy the smooth flow of words and ideas in the story. Then you doubled that by using some dialect with solecisms of natural speech. All very well done. A few favorites:
  "Ain't got nothin' better to do."
   Still and all. That transported me to a dinner at a friend's house with collard greens and black-eyed peas. His mother would bridge conversations with such a phrase.
  I like the casual insight of His tone showed he weren't interested and was just makin' talk.

Setting: Well described and moved to Oklahoma. I wondered if you have a special reader which enjoys the place names. Also I must admit, the rhythms of Bobbie Gentry's lyrics had me weighing every name change.

Characters: The narrator has a coarse manner and sees the world in coarse terms. That is not a total turn-off, but she didn't have likability factors to compensate.
  She had no dreams you get burned often enough, and you stop carin', no aspirations, no special empathy for others.
  This reader found it hard to root for her and experience emotion at the end. Debra Winger in An Officer and a Gentleman comes to mind with a similar status in life, but presented more sympathetically.

Diction: These two phrases were eminently readable, but didn't serve to work for my understanding of character or theme.
  Lucky for us we's saved. Praise the Lord. This is so close to self-mockery that it muddied my understanding of her character.
  It's hard to credit the character of a woman who would think of and to herself 'Sides, Poppa hated painted whores.

Overall Impression And Rating: I enjoy very much the silky glide of words, both in dialog and of the narration in this story; however, the unsympathetic narrator and the steady emotional valence restricted my involvement in story.

Thank you for sharing your story, Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

. I'm going to wander around your portfolio for more recent story.
Bob

Burning Thoughts

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49

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#4494532

Review of The Examined Life

Review by Burning Thoughts

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hello, Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

. I found your story "The Examined Life"

on a search request for sci fi short stories. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot:The story pulled me right in. Oliver was just a computer program, it never hurt to be polite revealed it was near-term sci fi what-if with a psychological dimension. Following with a Kindle mention and concern over terrorist propaganda cemented that presumption.
  That the action of her off-scene mother precipitating the climax (not Clifford or Oliver or herself) in my opinion weakened the unity of the story. Constance's mother's impact on her daughter's quest for security no matter the cost was not developed.
  On p. 6, the Guardsman presence in their civilian compound surprised me. An early foreshadowing would establish that future world feature.
Characters:When Constance said, sex doesn't matter to me, Clifford that gave a clear insight into her and by implication to him. Well done.
  A good show of her OCD aspect with stacking them in careful alignment.
  Nice touch in character and theme development, that Constance felt compelled by her mother's letter to utter, Intimacy is over-blown
Theme:If you give up freedom for security, you might be giving up more than you expected and more than you want.
Mechanics: ▼
Suggestions:The removal of passions from bodily existence
leads to broken relationships is a strong secondary theme. My interest was piqued but not satisfied at the end.
  Constance's refusal to meet Clifford at the hotel obviates imo the plot points revolving about their marriage difficulties from contributing to the climax. The main theme (cost of security) and the second theme (cost of removing physical contact) could be tied together but weren't. The story veers near with the narration on Lady Chatterley's Lover, but Constance doesn't bridge the gap. She only notices the gap.
Overall Impression And Rating: I gave the story 4 stars. The craft and diction were very fine; however, in my view the focus and logic of the story could use tightening.

Thank you for sharing your provocative story, Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

. Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts

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Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

, my flash story "Invalid Item"

may interest you.

50

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14 days may be credited.

#4491127

Review of The Most Beautiful Sound on Mars

Review by Burning Thoughts

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hello, Linn Browning

. I found your story "The Most Beautiful Sound on Mars"

while searching for science fiction short stories. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Please remember, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what is useful to you. Ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: The fear of separation that lovers anticipate at a long separation makes a fine force for drawing readers in.

Style: The scientific touches were nice, as have a communications chip implanted in your skull.
  Another nice phrase was wanted that illusion of freedom.
  I liked this description, chewed the firm, silky white around a yolk perfectly cooked without a hint of greenish dryness. I would have liked that specificity, in Trevor showing delight in his wife's laugh.

Setting: Since Mars was in the title, when the second sentence started The Early morning sunlight it flitted through my mind that perhaps civilization had made life on Mars as ordinary as on Earth, but the story soon set me in place on Earth.

Characters: When Bee blindly shoved the peeled egg at my face, I read it as rude and negatively aggressive.
  I liked the Is it useful to you? question to develop them further, Jeremy Bentham style.

Suggestions: You might consider having Bee laugh in the opening, perhaps to coax Trevor into eating the egg, to show the lure of her laugh to him. Also perhaps mention her name in their early dialog, so the reader is prepared when he thinks Bee and Honeybee.
  I doubted some of the story logic. Surely, an important, difficult, and expensive mission would have the astronauts preparing for the launch on their last day on Earth, not on shore leave.
  Also, it baffled me that Bee would hold back that she planned to join him in fifteen months.

Overall Impression And Rating: It has potential. Altering the time frame plus recognizing that astronauts have signed away their right to negotiate last minute flight changes would be useful changes. 3 Stars

Thank you for sharing your story, Linn Browning

. Keep on writing!

Here's a very brief sci fi story "Invalid Item"

of mine which you might enjoy reading and perhaps provide feedback for in a return review.
Bob

Burning Thoughts

of the Rockin' Reviewers

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