This is a start to a good comedy. But it needs a lot of editing. One thing confused me- in the description you say she's gotten good grades up untill 'now'- maybe you should elaborate in the story. I liked the way the character of the mom- her unexpected arrivals keep putting an odd spin on it. The ending left me a little unsettled, and it didn't really feel like the story had ever really been ended in a satisfying way. You might want to cut back on the fainting, too- it's funny, but only a few times. I know it needs to be dramatic, but I think you might be overdoing it.
By the way, how old is Kinimo? She takes SAT and stuff, but goes on playdates? Her character seemed really young to me...is that all part of the joke? That she acts so young?
I liked it, but there are just so many holes and things that could be inproved. I know you'll be able improve it, just keep on writing!
You say it's flawed and silly in the introduction- it's really better then you think it is! If you've written better pieces then this, I'd really like to read them.
Occasionaly the story's a little wordy, like when you're talking about the nurse: "she rasped, her voice grating on my ears like sandpaper..." and "...a sour aroma powerful enough to wilt flowers..." A couple of these descriptions are good, but if say what you want to say in fewer words (like just saying that the nurse rasped) it would really improve the story.
I like the way you have death pictured as a mother figure, and the way you illude to death several times wihtout having the main character actually think: I'm going to die, but rather, they sense it in the air.
This is a good start too an interesting character, with a past and a personality. Right now though, it's very repetitive and some of the details slow it down. For example, you say she's rebuilding her life at least three or four times. Have you ever heard the expression "show don't tell"? Maybe if you opened it up with her playing with her cat or talking on the phone, adding in the details would sound more natural. It would also be a way to see how her character interacts with others.
This definately needs a lot of editing, but will evolve into a good story and character if you keep working on it!
This is very well written. I especially appreciate the way you have them argue so realistically, just like a real couple would if they were angry at one another. I really got to know the characters and understand the conflict in a short amount of time. You switch from past to present tense pretty quickly though, and I still can't figure out whether the whole thing was a flashback or you just made a mistake.
Yes, it did work. You've created a very dark story. I like you set up the mood and hold it from the beginning to the very end, with flowing, yet descpritive, sentances. I also like how we can feel for Paton, even though he obviously did something wrong. I'm a little confused, though. What exactly IS Paton, who turned Bryony into what he is? Is it supposed to remain a mystery?
I love the way you use flashbacks in this story, moving back and forth from what happened to Kathy last night and where she was afterwords. I didn't really understand what happens that the end, though. Did she die, or just pass out, or is she just remembering what happened last night? Maybe you should make that more clear.
You've got some nice imagry going on in here. I've had that feeling before, at parties where my friends have left and such. It IS hard to understand what you're getting at, though. The first three lines are the only ones that are clear about how you're feeling. I advise that you just add a line or two, discribing what exactly how you feel, which is that you're lonely. Otherwise, I really like it.
I really enjoyed this story. It's descriptive without being wordy, and it's good great characters and mystery. I had trouble determining whether the piliot was a boy or girl for a while, though. You might want to make that point more clear. I'll be waiting for the next installment!
This is really well written, with beatuiful imagry and intruging description to make people interested in the story. I didn't understand the last part, though. What do you mean about the dolls and the splintered flame? Very poetic, but I'm awfully slow about these things.
This story is incredible. Once I started reading it, I immeadiately grew attached to the main character. She's so realistically portrayed in this story of loss and a life that went wrong. Again, I love this story so much: it drew me in and kept me wanting to find out what happens. Write on! I'll be checking your portfolio out later.
This is so sweet, and filled with wonderful imagry. In the beginning, you rhymed, and in the end, you didn't. Despite this inconsistancy, it flowed almost perfectly.
I especially like the last part, where you write: "when you complete a person...you can never take that little piece of you back. it shall remain there forever." It really makes me think about the beautiful relationship between two people who love each other.
This is a really sad story, beatifully writtnen. I really got to know the narrator. The way you introduced it, (talking about summer) is clever too, because, again, it led us into the main characters feelings. All the little details, like yogurt and your favorite season, bring the story together. Thanks for a good read.
Before I tell you how much I loved your letter, I gotta tell you the little part that I think could be better: it's a little repetive. The letter is very long, which is good, but it's hard to read when you say the same thing over and over again (though I know that you're stressing a very important point.
Now the good part!!
What you wrote is so true, and it makes me sad that there are people who don't feel that way. I'm happy to know that their are people who are looking for peace and religion in other ways then with violence. There are so many terrorists all over the world who think they're doing good: in Israel, Iraq, Afganistan, Britain, even here in the US, and all over the world where the press doesn't go.
Hopefully, a terrorist who has been brainwashed into bombing a building will read this. More likely, you'll be spreading the message that there is no God where there is hate, and you can only find God in love.
This is such an amazing story. The charachters are very realistic, and we learn so much about them in a very short time. I could see the mountains, the unicorn, and the characters so clearly in my head, even though you didn't write paragraphs of description. I also like how it starts off with a lot of suspense, without saying what really happened for a while.
There's one thing that bugs me a little though: the way the men talk to each other. Sometimes, but not always, they talk about thier "true feelings" or describe what happened so fully and accurately that it feels like their lines were planned. This could just be me, because most of their conversation sounds totally normal, with a lot of cussing and hesitation typical of men like that.
I really loved this story, and it's better then almost any fantasy short story I've ever read, what with the excellent writing and the captivating story. Good job!
This is a very sweet story, with a lot of good description about the orphanage. The main character, Jeremy, is very belivable. He acts like a kid his age, and has his own hobbies and priorities that make him who his is. Another thing I like about the story is that we don't know the ending, but have to guess. I think he gets adopted, but that's just me. To anybody else it could be either sad or happy, depending on how they look at it: sad about his past and or future, or happy that he's going to the place where he belongs.
I enjoyed reading this short story. It's very sweet, and the plot has many twists and turns. However, the charachters didn't seem very realistic to me. Maybe if they were a little deeper then they are now, it would improve the story. Sometimes their actions can be a little meladramatic. It's a good story though, that's very well written.
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