Although I don't read poetry, usually, you title caught me.
Reading this reminds me of when I was watching my six month old grandson for the first time. He presented me with a full diaper while I had him in a mall.
Nice story - filled with great descriptions. Overall well written.
A couple of editorial comments:
last tine as streaks - Do you mean "time"? She lent into him - I don't think "lent" is the right word - mabye "leaned"? “How will that be alright?” - I think you need some punctuation between "be" and "alright", maybe a comma, maybe another question mark. Looking um she - "up"?
I can see why this was a winner. This is a great story. Sounds spooky, but mom can fix anything.
I'm browsing around some of the experienced authors, looking for style ideas.
One item hit me in this piece:
There was a really big man - I would consider "really" to be a weak modifier. This sentence seems like it could be uttered by a child, but it seems out of place within it's context. Just curious as to your thoughts.
You have certainly packed this story with lots of descriptive language. Either you worked hard at it, or you are a natural.
I couldn't find much in the way of constructive criticism.
Something interesting; something pure. - If this sentence is part of the previous thoughts, it may need a question mark at the end
I always look at overuse of adverbs, but you haven't done much of that. "madly" was the only one I could find that might be eliminated, but I think it fits OK.
Personal experiences can make the best stories. I have written lots of personal experiences. Now I have to work on making them sound interesting. You have done a great job here, of making this an interesting and compelling account. The epilogue is a great addition.
Good luck in your contest entry - I enjoyed the story.
Brijmohan broke down, crying silently. - adverbs (silently) tend to weaken writng. I try to avoid them and look for a stronger verb if possible. eg "sobbing"
other adverbs "gleefully", "playfully" "regularly"
despite her immobility on account of her old age. - not incorrect grammatically, but I would reword "due to her old age" - just a preference.
These are precious stories to get documented. Keep writing - I think its worth it.
Great story - keeps you in suspense right to the end. Takes a bit of thought to digest what happened.
A couple of small editorial comments:
I stood up quickly I would omit the adverb and use a stronger verb - eg "I jumped up", or "I darted" - there are a few other places you could look to omit adverbs eg "gently"
a little too fast I would avoid use "little", it tends to be a weak modifier.
This is a cute account. I like the tone of self deprecating humour in it.
It sounds like me and my writing. I talk to anyone who will listen. Most of them do so politely without yawning, but I think I know, I am mainly talking to myself.
This looks like it is the start of a longer piece. If so, it's a great start - really builds the suspense and gives the reader reason to read on.
Here are a couple of small observations - just my opionions.
slowly safely reluctantly I would try to eliminate the adverbs and find stronger verbs, just like you did with "shrunk" "scurried"
It was him and I knew he was looking for me I would put a comma after "him" just to slow it down and help build the suspense. There are a few other sentences that could use commas.
It was Heath that found meWhy not just simplify and say "Heath found me."?
She young,I think you are missing a verb here. "she was young"?
This is a great piece of advice. I have heard this "show don't tell" many times before. But you do a good job of providings an array of specific examples. I continually need to be reminded of this, as I am bad for lapsing into telling instead of showing.
This is a well written story that makes you feel good. I really like your descriptions.
I am a bit confused with the verb tense. Much of the second half is written in the present tense, but I feel it occasionally drifts to past tense.
"In the midst of my rant, I failed to notice that "
" She said to me. "
Great ending. Keep writing.
Brian
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