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622 Public Reviews Given
968 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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126
126
Review of "Laura"  
Review by Brian
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You certainly are a natural at writing. I have enjoyed every piece of yours that I have read.

Thanks for pointing me to this one. I'm amazed at how you spin a tale and make a point.

You have lots to say and you say it well.

I'm sure I will read more of your material.

Keep it up.

Brian
127
127
Review by Brian
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like this as an intro. I find it a bit vague, but that may be your intention.


Here are a few comments - mainly observations. Nothing major.


Anything worth having is worth fighting for. Anything worth fighting for is going to hurt sometimes. How can we truly understand happiness without the pain? I would put commas in each of these sentences to slow it down and create emphasis.

Learning that I caused that blindness and had no one to blame for it other than myself was one of those moments when you find yourself at a crossroads I find myself stumbling through this sentence. I don't have any specifics, but it confused me. Maybe just too long with no breaks.

Too many "its" in the last paragraph Three sentences begin with "it". Does the last one refer to the wolf?

Looks like a good start. I will try to get to the first chapter. You have created some suspense, but at this point it is unclear where it is heading.

Keep at it.

Brian
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128
Review by Brian
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there.

I have been reading the various parts and chapters. You are certainly putting in a lot of productive effort. I'm impressed.

I don't see much value in me editing for punctuation and grammar. You can probably do as well on that as I can. When you are ready to publish this, you need to get a pro go through it.

I'm not really into this genre, but I certainly can appreciate what you have been able to accomplish. I am interested to see how it all shapes up in book format. Let me know when you get it to that stage. If you do publish, I will definitely add this to my bookshelf.

Good luck and keep at it.

Brian
129
129
Review of The Ferry  
Review by Brian
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a touching story - well told.

My comments:

<loudly apathetically slowly simply > I think that adverbs should be minimized.

<It was a beautiful sight to behold, the clear blue waters rippling and waving outside, the gray and white clouds over the horizon that seemed to support the blue sky above with seagulls that seemed to dance in midair as if something was
beneath such a shallow ocean floor. >
Excellent descriptions.

Keep writing.

Brian
130
130
Review by Brian
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a neat list. Obviously you were sucessful, or you wouldn't post this.

I quit almost 25 years ago - it was the second time. I quit once for 2 years - that was easy, but just as easy to return. The second time was tougher.

One thing I came to realize was that if you really want to quit, any of the hundreds of methods will work.

If you really don't want to quit, no method will work.

Congratulations.

Brian
131
131
Review of "He Knows"  
Review by Brian
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
How do you keep coming up with these stories? Your mind must be going all the time.

I was intrigued with how you developed the story and suspense so quickly. I looked in anticipation for the ending and then stopped - puzzled. What did she write? I kept racking my brain to try to figure it out. I finally gave up in frustration when I saw the title.

Well done - again.

Brian
132
132
Review of Fat Bridget  
Review by Brian
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a creative little tale. You have certainly filled the page with descriptive words.

I am weak on providing description - some reviewers are bold enough to tell me that. I'm not sure what the right balance is.

I would look at this story, and say there is too much description relative to the story content, but that is just an opinion, not a criticism.

Regardless, I like this story - good luck in the contest.

Brian
133
133
Review of imperfect life  
Review by Brian
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Good effort.

I might be mistaken, but I think that English might be your second language. If so, that shouldn't hold you back from writing. It might be a good idea to post short stories like this and ask for feedback. There are also some good classes available on this site.

Here are a couple of examples of what I am referring to:

Madonna should be capitalized.
The days did not ends well >> could read "the day did not end well"

Keep up the effort. It will be worth it.

Brian
134
134
Review of Blinded!  
Review by Brian
Rated: E | (4.0)

This is a cute story.

Here are a couple of minor observations - my opinions only.

<I was very nervous> "very"tends to be a weak modifier. I would eliminate.
< I knocked on my keister > I think you are missing "was knocked"
<My extremely protective> I try to avoid adverbs and use stronger verbs.
I think some of the longer sentences need some commas to separate the phrases.

I really liked the line about the panties.

Good luck in the contest - keep writing.
135
135
Review by Brian
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I don't ususally like self destruction stories - too depressing. I prefer fun uplifting accounts.

But I am always drawn to your writing. You do such a great job with your descriptions and word choice. You really put the feeling in the scene.

I feel like I am reading "Mike Hammer" in this piece.

Well done as always - I will keep reading, as long as you keep writing.

Brian
136
136
Review of Eternally Yours  
Review by Brian
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a creative story - interesting twist.

This style reads like one of the old detective novels.

As a short story, it moves along very quickly - maybe too quickly. This might be better as a longer piece. There is lots of room to stretch it out and add some details.

Well done - keep it up.

Brian
137
137
Review of The Prince  
Review by Brian
Rated: E | (4.0)

Great story - very creative

One small observation:

<I’ve told them a thousand times, but my parents never listen. I have absolutely no intention of even looking for a wife, never mind getting married any time soon.> You start out in the present tense, but then change to the past tense. You might want to revisit the opening line.

Well done - keep writing.

Brian
138
138
Review of The Knockout  
Review by Brian
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review from Brian

Thanks for pointing me in this direction. I enjoyed the read. I have already read and commented on “The Blooper” from before.

I really like the colloquial style in “The Knockout”. It feels like a “Rocky” type story. You insert lots of useful descriptions.

It is hard to find constructive comments in your writing – it holds together so well. So the following comments are a result of considerable digging – so they may not be of much value.

You wrote:

To give us time to edit and distribute it, we need the interview tape back here by one

my comment:

I realize that this is dialogue, but you may want to change your time reference for consistency sake. Later on in the story you refer to 12:35, so you may want to show this as 1:00.

You wrote:

“Astrodomain”

my comment:

I am not familiar with the Astrodome, so I assume this is the correct representation of some location in the facility.

You wrote:

"Champ aint talkin' to no more white people today!"

my comment:

Need an apostrophe in “ain’t”


My favorite line “The Pit and the Organic Pendulum,”
Excellent story. You have the makings of a book about “The Sports Announcer/reporter”


Great job - keep writing.

Brian
139
139
Review of The Little Jockey  
Review by Brian
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a wonderful story. You did a great job of building the suspense until the final suprise ending.

You are very good at providing enthusiastic descriptions. I like your choice of words.

Sorry, I couldn't find any constructive comments for you.

Good luck in your contest - keep writing.

Brian
140
140
Review by Brian
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a great little account. I assume you are assembling a bunch of these for a children's book.

I can see the picture of the little girl with her imaginary princess outfit, right under or over the words on the page.

Good luck on this venture - I think it's a wonderful idea.

Brian
141
141
Review of A Halloween Story  
Review by Brian
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review from Brian
Very powerful story.
Great descriptions. I like your choice of words.

You wrote:
the clink of glass against each other

my comment:

maybe change to plural "glasses"
You wrote:
His mother stumbled through the room and he squeezed his eyes shut>

my comment:

I'm not sure if "and" is the right connector - maybe "as"?
You wrote:
He opened his eyes a bit

my comment:

"a bit" tends to be weak

You wrote:
say kiddo?”, her words

my comment:

I don't think the comma is necessary

---

Well done - keep writing


Brian
142
142
Review of Time War  
Review by Brian
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Creative story - looks like the start of something.

I spotted a couple of things you might want to look at.

<trees volintly > spelling "violiently"
<Lst year > typo "last"
<where they ussaly have > spelling "usually"

Keep it up - This could be a good story.

Brian
143
143
Review of Tokey's Boat  
Review by Brian
Rated: E | (4.5)
These personal accounts are great to document. I know you have looked at a couple of mine. I now have about 300 writtent stories like this. Many are about my dad. They will be great keepsakes for the kids and grandkids.

Keep writing them, they're great.

Brian
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144
Review by Brian
Rated: E | (3.5)

Looks like a good start. I'm glad you put "to be continued" or I would wonder.

Small observation:
<changed the way i live today?> Capitalize "I"

Good luck with getting this finished. I'm looking forward to reading the rest.

Keep writing
Brian
145
145
Review by Brian
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting story.

I see a problem in verb tense. You shift back and forth between present tense and past tense. I find it a bit confusing, although you may have a logical progression in mind. Anyway, just a thought - re-read it and see what you think.

Keep writing.

Brian
146
146
Review by Brian
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Isnt' this the cutest little story. What a play into the prompt for the day.

You've obviously done some writing before. It's hard to find any flaws.

<Johnny ambled to the playground > "ambled" I like creative verb choice. Most people would have defaulted to "walked slowly"

Well done - keep writing and good luck in the contest.

Brian
147
147
Review of The Wedding Ring  
Review by Brian
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Well written and touching account.

I like the ironic twist - Hopefully the judge will see it that way too.

One minor observation:
I'm not sure you need to repeat this phrase twice.
<His mouth was full of debris and blood>
< His mouth was full of debris, saliva, and blood.>

Good luck in the contest.

Keep writing
Brian
148
148
Review of Nightmares  
Review by Brian
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Review from Brian

You have done a good job of describing the scene and providing the reader with a "feeling".

Couple of comments:

You wrote:dwn her spine


I suggest:
Do you mean "down her spine "


You wrote:not can she hide for long.


I suggest:
Do you mean "nor can she hide... "


Good job, keep writing

Brian
149
149
Review by Brian
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is certainly a thorough account. Thanks for writing and posting. I think I will bookmark it and go through it carefully.

I have been doing lots of reviewing. It forces me to read other's work and the reviewing helps me with my own writing. My reviews are a bit random, so hopefully this advice will help me improve my reviews and thus my writing.

Brian
150
150
Review by Brian
Rated: E | (4.0)
Poetry is not my favorite genre, but I do enjoy the light and humorous ones. This reads more like a story. Very enjoyable.

The last character in the poem looks like an "l" when maybe you want "!". Not sure though.

Great job. Keep at it.

Brian
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