Very well written and compelling. You have left many things to the reader to figure out. I'm sure that was intentional.
There were too many unanswered questions. Was this figurative or literal? Was it the father/husband (being) or perhaps the family pet? What actually was the "Blade"? (tangible item or just a feeling).
I'm not sure I like the moralizing in the last statement.
All that being said, I really enjoyed it.
I want to improve my style. I write factual accounts with limited feelings and minimal description. I find some ideas for my improvement in your story.
This is an absolute stunner. Time travel is my favorite fiction topic. Your piece started out the same as most, with a lot of similar redundant themes. I wasn't ready for what happened next. I started to ask some "why" type questions feeling you hadn't thoroughly though things through. (eg, why would a father send his son on such a risky mission?) Then piece by piece it all starts falling in place - like age limit for drinking. Leaving things hanging a bit loose a the end was reminiscent of Alfred Hitchcock. Well done!
I am a novice writer. I am mainly doing nonfiction items about my life. But I would love to write some fiction as well. I keep thinking of time travel as a venue, but everything I come up with has already been done. Yours is very creative.
Although everything seems to be grammatically correct there seems to be some style issues that are contrary to what I have been reading about writing style. For example “I gingerly went down the stairs”
My reading indicates avoiding adverbs in favor of the right verb. But remember, I am a rookie so I’m not sure if that matters.
Is this part of a larger work? It is interesting as far as it goes, however it leaves me a bit wanting. I really like your word choice and sentence structure. You have made an uninteresting topic more interesting to read. There is a subtle shift from the perspective of the maid to the artist and his model. The ending feels more like the artists view rather than the maid. Is this intentional?
Obervations and questions from a raw rookie writer.
I am writing personal and family stories from my life. My main purpose is to leave something for my grandchildren. I wish my parents and grandparents had done something similar.
When I read your story, it contains a lot of different events in one. I have chosen to break mine down into discrete independent stories. I haven't figured a way of combining and connecting yet.
I am curious about your objective and intentions with your writing. It appears to be different from mine.
The associated pictures are a nice touch. I think I will try to incorporate pictures into my stories.
I am writing about personal stories as well. My main purpose is to leave a record for my grandchildren. I wished my father and grandfather had done the same for me.
Your story gives a calm and peaceful picture. However I'm not sure it gives any incite into your life. But I'm not sure if that is what you intended.
It doesn't really leave me with any knowledge of what really happened here. It doesn't really reveal your culture. You made an attempt to compare to US/UK culture, but it really doesn't draw any difference. As a matter of fact, some people might take offence at the statement "But in India, people are more sensitive." It implies a "better" way.
I would be interested in the purpose of your writing.
I am not really into poetry, but your thoughts here really hit home for me. I have been living abroad for almost 7 years. I get the same experience that you do everytime I am in contact with people from home. I have been looking at ways to put it into words (prose), but your poetry seems to capture my thoughts better than I could write it. I would be interested to see if the same thoughts could be conveyed through prose. Well done.
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